Blind Authority

I’ve read several books about Narcissism (obtained at the library and big name bookstores) that were written by various psychologists and people with PhDs.  None of the books I’ve read by these people would seem to help those suffering from Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.  This is sad, because these books are often the ones that victims turn to in order to make sense of the madness, myself included.

Inside these books, the reader is encouraged to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, how their loved one developed it, and figure out ways to live with the Narc.  They further suggest different methods of catching the Narc unawares in order to convince them to go into counseling.  Just by suggesting to the Narcissist that it’s not their fault they act the way they do, that it might be neurological, or because they were treated badly as a child, the reader can prance down a yellow brick road, hand-in-hand with their abuser, and live happily ever after in a forest.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Time and again, the books go on about the same ole signs of Narcissism.  You know the ones… believing that one is better than others; fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness; exaggerating one’s achievements or talents; expecting constant praise and admiration; believing that one is special and acting accordingly…blah, blah, blah.

Come on.  Let’s look at the real signs and leave the boring, non-descript academia behind, shall we?  People who are trying to make sense of the Clockwork Orange relationship they fell victim to aren’t going to be helped by any of these generic, dollar-store descriptions.   The people who wrote these books have obviously never been a victim of Narcissism.

I’d love to see a doctor or psychologist come out with a book that shows Narcissism for what it really is.  I’m not impressed by authors who spin off boring research from their psych books or “medical” websites.  That would be the equivalent of me publishing a book about constructing a warship.  Sure, I could learn about it, but would I relay what I learned in the same way as a person who has actually built one?  No.

How about some real-life scenarios about Narcissists, doc?  Like… calls wife a trashy whore but love-bombs her the next day; disappears for a few days for revenge when confronted with a lie or if wife doesn’t “listen”; steals or funnels money at every opportunity; has friends and acquaintances he has fooled for years; goes through wife’s personal belongings on a daily basis; lies upon opening mouth; feels he is king over everyone; fails to hold down steady employment while pretending to conduct family matters; avoids familial responsibilities at all cost, including those of his own offspring; never celebrates others’ birthdays or any special occasions; etc., etc.

There are some very good books out there by survivors who have self-published or gone through small publishing houses, but I wish these treasures could get to those who need it most, instead of the drivel that’s most accessible out there in book land.

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  1. navigator1965


    I watched mine narcissist fool two “therapists” with Masters degrees in Social Work, which is in part why I do not consider social work a legitimate academic and professional discipline.

    My experience was that I had to self-edit my manuscript at least a dozen times. Each time I recognized a layer of anger, and in working it out of the text, I seemed to work it out of myself. In my case it was also exacerbated by persons assisting my ex-wife in the separation and divorce, but it sound as if you ex was worse than mine.

    Maybe it will be the same for you. It’s been helpful, therapeutic, and cathartic.

    1. Kim Raya

      Thank you for sharing that. I have found writing to be therapeutic already, and I’m just on the first draft of my book. The more I learn through research and interaction with other people who’ve been through the same thing, the more pieces of myself I get back. As if once my book is whole, I will be back to whole myself…

  2. mypeachymia

    I agree with the frustration of learning as much one can on the Narc by the sources out there. I would read things I already knew, like the signs and behaviors, and at the end it would leave me saying, “yes, but what do I DO?”. There is very little out there that offers advice about how to deal with it. I hope that couldn’t be because no one has yet found a healthy way of dealing with it and keeping your identity? Identifying that there is something wrong is easy once you get to the point of researching it, duh.

    I too, convinced my ex to go therapy with me a few times during our long marriage. the problem is when the Narc combines his/her behavior with pathological lying. Therapy only works when you are honest. He would go into our therapy sessions and act like everything was fine. I would look at him like he was crazy, and then I would try to explain the problems that were going on and it would make me like the aggressive one.

    It never lasted very long either. He would almost change just enough to wiggle out of counseling and then just go back to the behaviors, then I could’t get him back in. I suggested gently over the years that he go on his own, just to deal with understanding why he did the things he did that he wasn’t happy with and to get over his rough childhood. I didn’t even suggest that he go to deal with what I believed at the time to be Narcissism (not having a name for it at the time). He didn’t and doesn’t, believe in therapy. He says things like, “I know YOU need that kind of stuff” or “don’t try to give me your psychology talk”. So getting someone like that in therapy, good luck.

    1. Kim Raya

      Thanks for your input. I literally just commented to another reader about this very thing. I convinced my Ex to go into therapy once during our 8-yr marriage. It ended up with him fooling the therapist while smiling mockingly at me the whole time. The kicker is that I informed the counselor of the situation before bringing my Ex along. Yep. They are not going to me honest about anything, and as you said, try to make it look as if YOU are the one that needs help. Although it’s true, we DO need help after being abused by them…

      That’s why it really galls me that so many of the books out there keep yammering on about therapy for the Narc and giving the false hope that the marriage or family unit has hope of recovery.

  3. How about you write a book that speaks to the research that you are doing and your personal struggles with this… Or have you already thought of that! 🙂

    Many people need/want to read it.

    1. Kim Raya

      Actually, I am 🙂 I’m still on the first draft, though….but thanks for your kind comment!

  4. It’s daunting trying to get a handle on NPD and its implications. I felt clueless when I started. I’m starting to get a clue now, but I’m still very uncertain about how to proceed.

    I feel like a bad person for looking into this, like I’m stirring up the past and making mountains out of mole hills. Just having a clear vision of a path (‘get out’ vs. ‘yes, you CAN make life with a Narc work!’) would be really great. It seems there are those out there trying to provide that vision, which I truly appreciate. It will just take time and lots of research, I guess, for the path to become clear.

    1. Kim Raya

      I have been where you are. I felt I was stirring up the past and making a big deal out of it all. Mainly because 1) that’s what he always said and, 2) because of cognitive dissonance. That’s when we simultaneously hold contrasting beliefs about something. I knew in my soul that what he was doing was wrong but I loved him and wanted to make it work, so my subconscious overrode my knowledge that our marriage was toxic in order to make it appear like a marriage with normal challenges. Only, the challenges weren’t normal by any spec of the definition.

      You’ve probably read about projection, where they project their feelings and actions onto us. (i.e., calling you a liar, cheater, conniving, evil, etc.) We do the same thing. We project our fundamental feelings about ourselves onto them and insist they are kind, loving, honest, and compassionate. Surely all humans are, right?

      There are many books out there that give the impression that if you can get your Narcissistic partner into counseling that there is hope. I wish I could say I’ve read an account of where that successfully happened, but out of all the material I’ve read, I’ve yet to come across a success story. Here’s why:

      The Narcissist doesn’t think they are in the wrong. No matter how you present the possibility of counseling, they will end up humiliating you, instead. In fact, in my experience my bringing up counseling only led to some of the worst character attacks. I did get him into counseling one time during our entire 8-yr marriage. He manipulated the therapist, although I’d explained to the therapist beforehand what was going on. It was very unsettling to sit through the session knowing my husband was fooling a professional. He smiled mockingly at me the whole time…he was duping the counselor and enjoying the whole thing.

      I suppose there is a chance of making it work if one is willing to give up their identity in order to let the Narcissist be who they are. Some of the books I’ve read have suggested this. In my experience and from victim testimonies, this seems like the only workable solution. However, if there are children involved, I would think long and hard about the long-term consequences.

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