5 Reasons Why it’s Critical That You Leave Your Narcissistic Partner

I often hear from my readers about how they can’t seem to sever the ties and leave their Narcissistic partner.  They’re still holding onto hope that the nightmare will end and the love they’ve been holding out for will become a reality; the intimate encounters are good; the Narcissist contributes to the community/is religious; the Narcissist is making an effort to make them jealous, so they must still care…the list goes on.

How do you get the Narcissist out of your head, stop obsessing, and stop ruminating?  It comes through understanding that the Narcissist does not see you as an individual.  You are only in their life as a disposable resource.  All the words of love and promises are lies.  Here, I list the top 5 reasons why you need to make the commitment to yourself to leave the toxic relationship and begin your path to recovery.

1) The Narc has/is destroying the very makeup of what makes you…you.  Your strengths of confidence, business savvy, intelligence, warmth, caring, and belief in yourself, your values…all in danger of oblivion.  Look at yourself today compared to the person you were before meeting the Narc.  Is there even an inkling of that former person left?  Have you gone against everything that ever meant anything to you?  Have your friends, family, and children been included in the Narc’s twisted games?

The reality is that one day you will begin to loathe yourself for allowing this person to take away your sense of self, subject your loved ones to his/her poison, and allowing them to kill happy memories that you could have made with the people who matter to you the most.  You will realize you were dealing with an imposter and that you enabled him/her to continue their destruction while stealing precious moments that you can never get back.

2) Staying in a toxic relationship subtracts years from your life.  Do you know what happens when you are in a state of constant stress and your body is in perpetual fight-or-flight mode?  The effects include damage to your body, mood, and behavior.  Stress damages your DNA, making you sick both physically and mentally, and can subtract up to eight years or more from your life span depending on your genetic predispositions.  Your body’s systems fall out of sync,  which in turn ages you prematurely.  When your DNA becomes damaged, your body has a higher risk of developing cancer and other life-shortening illnesses.

Do you have children?  Do you want to be around when they graduate from college?  Don’t you want to enjoy what life you have left?

Staying with a Narcissist will not enable you to do those things.  If you do make it to your child’s graduation, you’ll probably hobble in on a cane or worse, in a wheelchair wearing an adult diaper and a stent from the quadruple bypass you had.

3) If you have children, there will come a point where you won’t be able to hide the toxic traits of your relationship.  You will eventually lose strength, due to depression and feelings of hopelessness, and hiding the toxicity will become next to impossible.

Do you argue, shout, and/or cry in front of your children when the Narc is around?  What do you think happens during this time of your child’s development when they witness their parent(s) doing these things?  Aside from the emotional outbursts, does the Narc do mean things to your children, such as make fake promises to them; take their money that they find lying around; make jabs at their appearance; pump your child/children for information when you’re not around; include your child/children in their sick mind games?

If you can’t leave the Narcissist for your own benefit, then do it for the sake of your children.  They are helpless in this situation and they depend on you to protect them from harm.  Don’t give your children a bad start to their own ideas of what’s normal in a marriage/relationship.  They are building their belief systems now.  Make sure they have a solid foundation by leaving as soon as possible.

4) Many victims of Narcissistic Abuse go on to commit suicide.  I have read sad accounts of this happening, many times.  It happened because they finally gave in to the belief that their situation was inescapable.  Avoid this by going No Contact.  Don’t give them even a small crack to wedge themselves back into your world.  Delete all their attempts at communication such as emails and texts.  Block them from your phone and email.  Once they know you are ignoring them, they may try having their family or friends to contact you.  Don’t fall for it…cut ALL ties with the Narcissist.  I’m talking Full Metal Jacket…you are on a mission, don’t let the enemy get to you.

If you have children with your Narc, document everything.  Write in journals, keep an ongoing Word document, keep phone records, back up your text messages, see if you have any friends or family willing to testify if you go to court.  Give your Narc the times they can call and stick to those times.  Of course, this might be different if your child is in the care of the Narc, such as their court-ordered visitation.  I always keep myself open to calls during these times.  If my Ex tries to open up a conversation about anything not related to our son, I hang up.

No Contact is important because it contributes to cutting the emotional ties.  Don’t give yourself the chance to hear their voice.  After a while, you’ll feel yourself getting back to normal, little by little, day by day.  On the other hand, if you give in to them, you’ve wasted another day of your life.

5) You open yourself up to STDs and other illnesses.  Yep, that’s right.  Narcissists are notorious for cheating.  As such, you put yourself at great risk of contracting various forms of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.  I know it’s hard to accept, because most likely you’ve been monogamous all along, but not the Narc.  Don’t project your values of a committed relationship onto them because it will leave you in a constant state of confusion and frustration.

If your partner is a Narcissist and you want children in your future, the best thing to do is stop fornicating with a serial cheater.  There are diseases out there that will literally destroy your reproductive system.  Not to mention that you could contract something like herpes, where you’d be obligated to inform any future lovers you have of your disease.   

All of these scenarios have long-term, far-reaching consequences.  Forget about that fairy tale romance with your Narcissistic partner, unless your idea of a fairy tale is likened to that of The Little Mermaid, who was eventually found washed up on shore…


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  1. Shaz

    I had an operation on my knee last year and whilst recovering one day, a few days after the operation, I was sat on the bed with my leg stretched out and husband walked in and ‘accidentally ‘ kicked my foot on the operated knee side, which made me bend my leg, something I was not supposed to do, and which made me screech in pain. My husbands response, “well you shouldn’t have had your leg in the way” left me reeling. He was totally unconcerned and really couldn’t care less. He didn’t even try to comfort me or show any remorse.

    During my recovery other things happened. I hit an all time low. I ended up in hospital after mixing anxiety pills with alcohol during an awful argument. I really wasn’t trying to commit suicide I just wanted him to stop and to get some sleep and for the pain to stop. I was still in a leg brace at that time. I had passed out and he called the ambulance. When I came round there were guards who asked me if I wanted to see my husband and totally disoriented as I was I said no. Unknown to me at the time, he had my phone, and read my messages to a friend. He also messaged my phone saying he didn’t know what was going on but he had been refused permission to see me and wanted me to see that he had been trying to call and message me even though he had my phone ie he confirmed that I’m messaging you this whilst I am holding your phone.

    It would be some weeks before he finally fessed up that he had read my phone and only whilst he was driving and during another awful argument where he told me I needed to make my mind up whether I was staying or going. At which point he admitted that he’d read my messages. Thing about it was that if he’d read all the messages then he would have read the message prior to me saying I was going to move him out back to his empty house because I was sick of him threatening to leave me!

    Anyway, as part of the release process from hospital I had to see a psychologist who was amazing.

    Weeks later I went to a Counsellor and through what I told her and then her explaining what was going on I started to read about narcissistics. What a rude awakening. The awfulness that what I had been dealing with for the past seven years was intentional was mind numbing. The reality is sickening because in my process of learning about narcissism was the dawning of all those little events, the every single time I thought it was me, the total lack of empathy on any level, the deliberate gas lighting right before we went to his mothers so that I was upset etc in order that he can play out his “remember all those times, I’m telling you she was a nut job”‘, ie for when we finally split up.

    I did tests online because I questioned if it was me that had a problem, was I the narcissist.

    I could go on.

    Dealing with a narcissistic person ultimately destroys you. It creeps up on you so subtly. It totally messes with your mind. It makes you question everything about who you are. Once in your mind even the process of investigating it to try and get clarity and validation that it’s not you plays on your mind. You feel deceitful because without real life validation then it could all just be in your mind, I mean, they are such a nice person to everyone outside that perhaps you are too over sensitive or think too much. The problem is that the trauma of abuse causes brain fog, once the mist starts to lift then you start recalling events and seeing them for what they are. So awful.

    I’m still in the stages of “is he” “it’s me” etc. I know ultimately there is only one way out.

    Narcissism is hell.

  2. Christine

    Absolutely leave a narcissist. I did, and eventually married a much better man (and am finally enjoying a healthy relationship with mutual respect and admiration). When I was with the narcissist, my true self started shrinking–both physically and emotionally. I lost a lot of weight from the stress and went from thin to emaciated–people started worrying that I was ill or had an eating disorder (went down to about 95 pounds and my bones started to ache). My friends also noticed how I wasn’t my usual self and was just on edge all the time. When I left, it was like walking out of prison. It’s only after leaving that you can be free to develop a much better life for yourself.

  3. Donna

    Upon much research and studying my brother and I now know my mother is a narcissist, finally after years of knowing something was very wrong with her and living in a world of emotional torment we have validation. Things are so much clearer, behaviors explained, the damage left behind from these tornados are something we are trying to heal from. Here is the tricky situation, not realizing the extent of her illness, we let her move into our house years ago, now after being that close we really got to see and experience the depth of this evil influence that consumes the home and all the energy in it. How do we remove her? We had a talk about this a few months ago warning we would have to sell the house and move if she didn’t get help, first she got mad and threatened us with elder abuse charges, saying she would claim that to fight us. When she thought about it, then she went nice and agreed to therapy which we all know at this point does not work on narcissist, it only bought time for awhile and then actually she got worse. We are prisoners in our own home, any advice?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Donna,

      You probably want to consult with an attorney who knows the laws of your state. If she receives mail there, she is considered a resident and there is a long process involved in having her ‘evicted’, so to speak.

  4. beverly

    i have went no contact but my narc of 8 years, he made a fake fb page and accussed me of having sex in his house(while he was in the other room) and has video of it..lol, i know i never did that and it seems he is just trying to make me talk since i have been quite since 2 months and i never spy on him, he gets nothing at all from me.

  5. Pingback: Accepting the Necessity to Detach from the Narcissist - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  6. Julia

    I have been in a very toxic relationship with a narcissist for about 2 years now. I always knew something was very off before I moved to Denver a year ago to be with this man, but I so badly wanted to make this fantasy work. I have never been in a relationship where everything I say gets turned against me, if I load the dishwasher wrong he losses his shit. He stands over me while I’m cooking to make sure I’m measuring correctly. I feel the worst type of anxiety I have ever felt. And feel my sanity is going down hill. He threatens to break up with me for things he does wrong, he is never wrong!! I’m always crazy or doing something that warrants verbal attacks. There’s always a reason he won’t marry me. Or I’m not good enough. Yet he will switch and be kind and loving and so giving that u almost yarn for that. No compassion if I’m crying he’s mocking me. And calls me weak! I moved my life here to be with this man . And I don’t know how to leave but my whole entire body is starting to ache from this abuse. And it’s the worst feeling I have ever came across in my life

    1. Adrienne Harnas

      I thank you for your writing all this, YOU are helping me, I am in the same situation you are in, please get out. I have I’m on day 3 away. Even on a great day (after love making after being broke up, with loving moments within less than an hour the anger and rage and a total personality change hits. I am fearful, I have severe anxiety, I have lost myself, depressed, brain Fog, lost my self confidence. doubting my judgment. I am letting the truth out. I will succeed in this nightmare. I have my own home, I blocked him from Facebook, messenger and blocked his number in my phone, (but he has a cell emulator) and calls from anonymous numbers. and emails. Please keep posting . These stories and experiences saving lives and may be saving mine right now.

  7. Josephine Brown

    I was married to a narcissist for 9 years and we own property together. How to leave a narcissist whom I own property with? I don’t have a problem with no-contact, but how to I finalize things so that I don’t have to see or hear from him again?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Josephine,

      The best way I’ve handled this is to contact an attorney and let them handle everything, including making all contact so that you don’t have to.

  8. Aleshia Griffis

    I am currently 13 weeks pregnant by my narcissistic boyfriend. He has cheated on me numerous times and has been physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. He has been hostile towards my son for something that was an ACCIDENT(house caught fire). Now my son no longer wants anything to do with him. I moved back to my home state which is 2 hours from where he lives. I want to end this relationship and believe it’s in the best interests of my unborn child that he/she doesn’t have contact with him. I’m afraid as to what he’ll do if I cut off contact with him.

  9. Nikki

    I’m so hurt i feel like crap i wasted eight years had three kids all by the narc I’m only 29 and he left me for someone else we we’re on n off and he always came back now he told me and had me and our kids under the impression we we’re working things out and he is with the new girl. I’m so hurt i had forced myself to stop answering his calls or texts he still calls texts and leaves voicemails and he has been very abusive in the past. He was known to pop up at my house he is moving on but i can’t. He can get really violent my family don’t wanna deal with me i lost all my friends. I feel so alone what does she has that I don’t.

  10. Larry T

    This is my third occasion to have a friendship and/or relationship with a narc. I’ll never do it again. The last one left me devastated emotionally and possibly ruined financially.

    It’s unbelievable how nice they seem at first and then reveal their real character, They truly are not wired to care about who they hurt as long as they get want. The first one called me at three in the morning to threaten me over seven dollars. The second one tried to set me up to get into a fight and the third has treated me worse than any woman I’ve ever known.

    Please take it from me and the rest of us: Don’t get involved with them.

  11. Tracy Kimbrough

    I just realized TODAY that I’m married to a narcissist. This is a second marriage for me and a first for him at 45 years old. I knew there were issues early in our courtship and I left him several times. I wish now that I had stayed gone because I wouldn’t have wasted 2 1/2,years of my life wondering what’s wrong with me. The straw that broke the camels back was when I came home from work a few nights ago and found him IN A STATE with a porn video paused on his cell phone. He has become angry, defensive, lack of affection etc and he blames this on a pending law suit with work comp.Yesterday was the first time in our 16 month marriage that I threatened to leave. He was pretty unemotional about that too although he said he didn’t want me to go. I started reading about narcissism and realized there’s NO hope. I can’t win. This life is empty and I’ve lost myself in trying to please a man who can’t be pleased. I’m making preparations to leave now.

    1. Confussed

      I’m married to a narcissist. It’s just getting unbearable. He lies with no conscience at all, and he really believes what he is saying. It’s a very sad situation. And what makes it so bad; when he’s caught in a lie, he just continues too lie without missing a beat; like I’m the crazy one. Everything I hear or see is a figment of my imagination. I truly do love him, but it’s getting harder with each passing day.

  12. wonderful article!!!!! Yes they drain you then THYRE off gtng a car, clothes, haircut etc…. they just kp gnng&were
    starting over piece by piece, literally.
    the hardest part for me is my progression is slower. I have graduated MA program. I’ve daily worked on myself. since he financially tapped me out , just now getting my hair done, pedicures, repleneshing my wardrobe, not even close to a new car but baby steps…
    I feel evryones madness, disbelief, shock, emptiness like were in another planet, its deep…
    just remember this is a lesson, never again!!!!! You see we feel, they don’t! They are hollow, they never land, its rinse&repeat!!!!! They don’t change, just adjust to the supply for THEIR needs!!!!!!
    THYRE not happy, THYRE not in love
    its CONSTANTLY. abt them!!!!!
    The grass is never greener on the other side, but to a NARC yes! They are miserable, insecure, insrcure an deep down are full of envy, they have nothing&believe me they know it, THYRE like a leaf blowing in the wind….
    The key is getting them OUTA you’re system, that a conscious effort!!!!!
    Wasted my time energy emotion money for 7yrs ex bf NARC…. I’m mad at me thats why N/C only way, period…..
    No matter what you say ,do, don’t say, don’t do it makes NO difference…
    NARCS stay in thheir comfort zone, always will, always….
    Stay off SM(we knw what THYRE doing, same) N/C a must…..
    This is a ife changer, were rebuilding US!!!!
    Good days&baaaad of course, were human they’re Not!!!!!
    All that sparkles doesn’t shine, fact…
    Strength, Self-RESPECT, Courage to all!!!
    an people who hvnt bn thru this don’t get it, THYRE not just a***s, THYRE evil with no remorse or soul……

    1. Jade

      Currently day one leaving my narc I feel like a zombie can’t even walk to the shops how did I get here how do I escape 🙁

      1. Kim Saeed

        It is a journey, that’s for sure. There will be pain in the beginning, but try to work through it. Consider it day one of your new life and keep reminding yourself by saying out loud, ‘These feelings won’t last forever. I am healing.’ I’d highly recommend a No Contact schedule to keep you on track. Wishing you all the very best <3

  13. Tennillle

    Can anyone our there suggest resources for parenting with a narcissist? I understand no contact is the best solution, but it’s not an option under these circumstances. Thank you!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Tennillle, I do have an article or two about co-parenting with the narcissist. Try typing those terms in the search bar over to the right of the web page. I’d give you the links, but I’m replying from my phone while on the road:)

      1. Tana

        I have been married to a Narc for 26 years and I have totally lost my self and reason.
        I now know what I am dealing with and I am not the crazy one.
        Kids are now 21 and 18 and they grew up with this as well. I am making a way to leave after our first grandbaby is born.
        I need to live and feel joy.

  14. lOVE MY LIFE


  15. aya

    I am going thru divorce with a narc.After being alone for 3 years I have gotten to the point where I felt ready to try a new relationship.It floors me to find out that my new found friend is also a narc.Since I’ve been reading everything I can find that deals with the subject.What I want to know is why do I keep falling for these people.Advise please.AYA

  16. Anonymous

    I am in a great deal of emotional pain. I am married to and have a large family with a man whom I believe is a Narcissist. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD as well as major depression after taking an overdose from the abuse by him. Physical as well as verbal and emotional. I gained so much weight trying to cope. I’m trying to find a way out of this hell on Earth. I’m gonna get out of this someway somehow.

  17. HappyGoLucky

    I spent the last year of my life with a man I discovered was a narcissist and it was absolutely grueling. His xwife has completely ceased all contact with him as well as his teenaged daughter. That should have been enough for me to realize there was a serious issue here. This man never acknowledged any of my traits outside of looking nice standing next to him. He never even asked what my level of education was, my religious faith or whether I had ever Married before! He was so incredibly vain that he would take random photographs of himself in public and had his gym clothes tailored. We were in a fantasyland relationship yet regardless of the incredible time we were having he cheated in a matter of months maybe even sooner. He became verbally abusive and I became a different woman I no longer liked. The signs are there from the very beginning; listen to your instincts and never give such a man one single day of your life.

  18. Tara Davenport

    Hi my name is Tara. I live in Memphis.
    All of my life I been emotional and verbal abuse by my parents and brothers. I can remember my brothers being my first bullies as a child and the baby the only girl they would belittle me call me crazy girl get away no one want to play with you. As a child I was put in special Education my brothers would call me special ed, special ed, crazy girl. I would cry and tell my mother she would tell me you are a lie, stop I don’t believe you and if I can’t heal it then its not true. I work my way out of special ed and the only child to get a highschool diploma and went to college my second year I had to withdrawal because I need help with my books no job family would not help me to complete my degree I will go back and get my degree soon. Now I am a diabetic I am trying to take back my life and freedom. God have bless me any many ways i got a highschool diploma, my second year in college I will go back and complete my degree, I have my diabetes in control no meds and losing weight. I am still looking for a job,car,my own place to live. I pray everyday that God with bless me with a job and a career. I hope one day I can put my story out here on TV or A book. I will call my book special Ed or being normal living in a dysfunctional family.

  19. Redd

    I m 43 years old with two sons. I have been in a relationship with a man who fits this description to the letter. Since I met him, I have lost everything. Jobs, money, cars, he has drained me emotionally, financially and physically. I used to be rather successful with a nice home and a cute car. He has sucked away my sense of self worth, I have very little confidence left. I feel ugly and semi-crazy myself! I was physically fit and active. I am now 40lbs heavier and get winded going down the block. I have been cut off from friends and activities that I used to enjoy. I do everything for him and no matter how well I do them, there is ALWAYS something to criticize. I could cure cancer and he would find something that wasn’t done correctly. I have taken out loan after loan on his behalf as he was unemployed for quite some time. I paid utilities on his house AND mine. I am now living with a friend and my sons and I are down to living out of one room in her house. He and had opened a business together and boy was that a huge mistake. He needed this he said. It would be a dream fulfilled. I put up all the capital for it and he used it as a party joint and man cave. Drugs, booze picking up women… he then walked away squeaky clean with nothing on his credit and I am 50K in the hole. He has cleaned me out. I lost my home and car to this little venture… and still I stayed.. He cheats, ogles other women in front of me… and still I have stayed. He would give me just enough to keep me hanging on. He is handsome, charming, intelligent, witty and completely insane. My feelings, my time, my life have no real value to him. You could have the flu and he would guilt you into going to the store for him. He knows my money is tight but spends it like it is nothing. His temper is legendary. My life has become an unending nightmare.
    His son committed suicide several years ago. I truly understand that that is the most horrible thing anyone could ever go through but for him, it has become a weapon. It is convenient for him so he can bludgeon me with guilt when I become upset over his behavior. I don’t mean to sound harsh but he uses that to his advantage in ANY argument we have or any situation that isn’t satisfactory to him. No matter what may be bothering me, he always has that in his pocket to slap me with. It disgusts me sometimes how he uses it.
    I see all of these things going on, but I have been a bit like a boiling frog. Before I knew what was happening, I was “in love” with him. Its like a sick addiction. I keep hoping that if I GIVE more that he will love me the right way. I know in my heart that it will never happen… I’m so very tired.
    I want to walk away, but another problem I have is I am close to his kids from a previous relationship. I hate cutting them off but there would be no way to maintain contact with them without him.
    I’m sorry to have droned on, but I have never let any of this out.

  20. broken man

    I left my wife in December after she told me that she resented my two girls from a previous marriage and didn’t want them at our house or to around them if i didn’t stop work have a new baby with her and be a full time dad. I couldn’t walk out on my children and my Narc wife took everything and this was the only time i said no to her so i thought if i walk out i would show her that i am serious. After 20 days of NC i got in touch to see if she had calmed and thought about what she said only to be told to leave her alone she had moved on and not to contact her. i did another 19-20 days NC then emailed her only to be told i was interrupting her and her new partner in bed and to fuck off. I am now sat deciding to go on or not and right at this moment and time i doubt i will see the light of tomorrow morning. I can’t face whats happening i can’t cope with it and am alone 18 hours a day with no one and nothing in my life. I am a contractor in iraq and can’t see doctors or take any medication. it has come to the point today where i think it is better to give her my life and maybe then she will see i loved her and it was very real for me i am so broken i can’t breath properly any more. Has any one felt this and gotten past it and moved on to better things or no

  21. courtney

    Thank you for the comment. We are well havnt heard anything from N in a long time. We are scheduled for grand jury via him catching the house on fire in march. I still find myself thinking if I had just went back things would have been different. My daughter has night terrors and often brings up the fire. Shes 2! What will make her forget about him and the terrible things she has witnessed? I don’t want her to ever know or see that kinda pain and negativity again and it was careless of me as her mother to keep putting her in the situation to see him like that. I still prominently remember the good things about N and the live he “portrayed” to us. But I refuse to be someone’s property. How do I move past this. It breaks my heart everyday that I allowed him to do these things for so long.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I used to be angry with myself, too, Courtney. I had to get to a point where I forgave myself for staying in the relationship. It took a while, but I did finally get there. Regarding your little girl, you may want to consider putting her into therapy (if you haven’t already).

      Know that things would never have been different. Psychopaths cannot turn off their pathology…meaning, if he hadn’t caught your house on fire, it would have been something else. Also know that the “good things” were mostly an act. If they show us how they truly are, we would have no problems leaving them very quickly. They find out what our tender spots are and exploit them in order to keep us tied to them. That’s the whole aim of psychological manipulation, to alter our perception…and they do it very well.

  22. someone

    I am 24 years old been with my husband for about 5 years now have two kids & a step-son with him. We have are good & bad times, but there are times when I wonder if he even loves me. Because he can be controlling it all started after are children. He won’t let me talk to my brother or sisters or anyone from my family, but my mother when I do he gets very anger about it he just deals with my mom cause he knows I wont let him tell me I can’t talk to her. He hates my family and wont let’s me or my kids have nothing to do with them. I not allowed around friends or family the only people I’m allowed around are him & his family. He really don’t even won’t me around his family that much. Yes my family &him had words in the past, but he can not forgive and forget. He will not let me leave are house unless its with him or his parents. He has to know what I am doing & were I’m at all times or who I have talk to. When he comes home he has to look through are phone to see who has call & who I have call. If a friends number is on there I haft to listen to him bitch or yell. He will not let me wear make-up or dress up or were certain clothes its all childess to him. He does not give me money at all him might by me a few things once in awhile,but hardly every. When we go out he belittles me by putting me down in front of people at times. At home he cause me names as dumb ass or stupid in front of are children. Which they are 3 and 1 and has learn to repeat. He let’s his son boss me around and treat me bad at times. My kids and I stay in are house and don’t talk to noone, but him or his mom and my mom. My kids can’t play with friends or have cousin over or go to there house.when we do try to talk about our marriage its always if you don’t like it leave. But it seems though we have are good times to like he does take us out to eat and will watch movies at home, but usally something he likes on TV, but we both make choice about what to watch. But it also comes to the point he does care for are protection. We already had someone try to break in are home once and he acts if the locks on the door are safe enough even though someone could break the glass and we have notting to defend are self with. Also he says if my child gets hurt or sick I am to call 911 before asking a family member to take us to the hospital which is hard when u have two and can’t drive he except me to ask are landlord to drive us instead of a close family member. He tells me to leave when we argue if I don’t like what he says. I no this is not a good relationship, but I guess I so in love with him and feel that he will someday change that I don’t won’t to live him, I guess I’m afraid to stand up b/c don’t want my babies to see us fight or not have there daddy in there life. I guess I’m afraid to lose him b/c I do love him with all my heart and he is there for me at times and does act like he cares for me a lot, but in a controlling matter. . I no its not a good relationship I watch my mom go through it with my dad seen all the pain she was in and all of us kids. She finally got out and now she see it happing to me.I know its not a good relationship b/c I look at it as would I want my daughters to live my life and I know deep down in my heart its no and that I deserve better and that I won’t my kids to be with a man who loves them treats them great, and cares for them and supports them in life and will always treat them with respect and be loytal and good to them when they get older not someone who controlls there ever move. I been hurt by way to manyvpeople way to many times. That’s one reason why I think I wish someday he’ll change and why I stay around. B/c he does seem good to my kids he plays with them and loves are babies, but doesnt seem to want to help much when come taking care of them.he provides for them and I which I’m thankful for . But don’t bath, feed, change any of that or help watch them much unless I make him. He also always wants me to do things for him like I’m a slave, but notting in return. A lot of people say I’m a lost cause, but I just don’t see myself ready to let go yet, I listen to what people say and think hard on them. Its just my heart is still there and I hope for change, but soon my eyes will open up and I make my choice, but for now I find my self , confused, lost, and unsure of what I should do. Maybe someday I figure out what I desereve and no he is not abuseing, just hurts me emotinaly which is wrong to, but it take time and my family don’t understand it takes time to decide what to do and when to let go and do what I need to do.the time will come in either he will change or I will no longer be able to take it anymore and let go and move on with life for myself and my girl. But it takes time & no one can say its easy. But if anyone wants to talk to me and help me through I will listen, but remember it takes time its not easy and it makes it harder with babies in the picture and I just hoping for a change some how or some were in are marriage b/c 5 years is to long to throw away, but I not giving up yet I try to give it all I got try talking until there is no more trying and at least when it comes to the In of are marriage I know I try my hardest to keep it togeter.

  23. Anonymous

    Hi, things I notice- is that when they offer information in the negative of -‘my ex became a drug addict’, or ‘my ex tried to kill himself/herself -what an idiot’- the lack of empathy shows the speaker’s self absorption. And often the lack of skills in relating. Your fate may be the same–run away, No matter how healthy or experienced you are- living in a waste area, you will still be affected.Run away-it is not giving up, it is in fact standing strong.

  24. Anonymous

    What do you do whe you have a house together and your parents live nearby and he knows where and is also violent and vindictive and has been physically violent and threatened to hurt me and my family as well as take my child away if I ever leave and I’ve never documented anything and I don’t want him to get any custody because I’m so very sure he would hurt our child just to get at me if I left . Yet he left me once and I kick myself that I begged for him back. And after he came back I found all the texts on his phone from the other girls which he blamed me on and said I forced him to go elsewhere

    1. Kim Saeed

      Anon, I would definitely begin documenting, as well as try to locate any emails or text messages of a threatening nature. Visit your local domestic violence center and get a case started. All you have to do is tell them you fear for your safety, and especially that of your child. In addition to offering you ways to exit the relationship, they might be able to help you with transitional housing, as well as possibly give you a court advocate who can help you prepare for any court proceedings that might arise.

      If you are afraid of him hurting you and your child, you definitely need to get away from him and find safety. In addition to the above, here is a link to an exit plan to help you start getting prepared: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/543

  25. Helen

    this is a little scary for me. I’ve been dating a self confessed Narc for 7 months. I’ve noticed that he want us to do things his way. I’m confused I stumbled on this big chance and yet I think it’s sign.

  26. I have been with a man for four years. I had realised he had some strange ways but he always gave me a reason for his behaviour. He was always overly tidy as he had been in service. He threw my things away because they looked like they had had it. He changed the furniture round because it worked better his way. He slept on my side of th bed because he couldn’t sleep on the other side and the list goes on and on.

    Nine months ago he decided that although he was living in my house under the pretence of selling his while I covered the bills he would keep his house so I suggested he moved back there. He didn’t and we got to my birthday. The punishment was that he didn’t take time to be with me and spent the day with his family instead. On his return I had packed all his stuff up ready for him to take. He wasn’t happy.

    We arranged that he could spend a couple of nights at mine and I a couple of nights at his. I began to realise he was snooping in my handbag, on my phone and my computer so I ensured I never left anything personal in my bag and my phone and computer were password protected. This is when his temper emerged.

    I was advised not to erase any messages that we sent one another as when I confided in a professional they suggested he could be a narcassist as many of his other traits points in that direction from self absorption, centre of attention, jealousy etc etc.

    It has taken time and I have really tried everything but nothing worked to end this relationship and then an opportunity arose. His friend told me he thought I was ‘out of order’ for something I had done. I was surprised because it never happened and I explained the real scenario. This was in front of my partner. Other things then emerged all of which were twists of the truth making me look extremely neurotic. All of them lies.

    When we were on our own again the temper raged and I was extremely frightened and glad when he finally left. Over the next few days there was no contact. Finally we spoke and he told me everything was my fault, I drained his energy, I spoiled things for him and he also referred to things that had happened in the past at last I saw the point of keeping the messages. I not only knew what he was saying to be rubbish I actually had the proof in the messages so knew I was not going nuts.

    He ended the relationship and I apologetically agreed expressing my concern that I had been such a drain on him and I would no longer contact him. I then breathed a huge sigh of relief.

    Going on to my social media I noticed that many friends were missing, strangely all of his family. I can but assume it wasn’t only his work friends he had been telling lies to but also his family and they had all deleted me. No big deal.

    Then I sat and read the messages we had sent one another. I looked at all the photos and videos and I came across a photo of his Divorce petition which he had asked me to look at when we first met. He told me the reason for his divorce was made up and what actually happened was he had an affair six years earlier and his wife could never forgive him.

    I read the petition and my blood ran cold. He would go down her handbag, question her on everything, keep control of all spending even though she had her own income, keep tabs on her if she went out, opened all her post and refused to allow her to have any form of life outside of him.

    I had read that he could simply be possessive and not narcassistic. That if he was possessive and viewed me as a complete crackpot of whom he could take no more then he wouldn’t give a damn and would move on. If he was a narcassist then he could be viewing me as a codependent. I fit the bill, I’m successful, intelligent, solvent, attractive and was confident although that has taken a beating.

    I further read the narcassist would throw me away and when good and ready draw me back in. Sure enough he contacted me. I ignored it and then got a flurry of messages and calls which I ignored. Then he sent me a message asking for details of my children so I responded not giving him details merely saying I hadn’t seen the messages and he begun flirting. I ignored it.

    Today I decided to see if he would react to me having a good time and he sure did. I now have one extremely angry narcassist and no idea how to handle it.

  27. A very concerned mom needs help

    My daughter is a beautiful fun loving person. 2yrs ago she met a boy and fell in love for the first time. She is 26 yrs old, was always outgoing and was always so much fun. After reading most of these posts I now know her boyfriend has NPD. He loves himself and no one else, he constantly looks at himself in the mirror. He lies about who he is and things he did as a kid. Says he was picked for the NHL but it fell apart when he hurt himself. Every party he picks fights if no one is making him the centre of attention. He lies to her about other women, has been caught by her and denies he was with another women.
    In the past 2 yrs I have seen her slip away. She has lost all her friends, all of our family cannot stand him and last year he was band from coming to my house. He pick fights with anyone who pays attention to my daughter and not him. He was not invited to our sons wedding , and will not be allowed at my nieces upcoming wedding as she does not want his drama. My daughter and my niece were best friends before him.
    Recently I discovered he has NPD we have tried to tell our daughter but she will not here of it. She barely talks to us because of him isolating her from our family and her friends. I need to help her understand who he is and what her life will be like if she stays with him…. PLEASE HELP!!!! What can I do to make her see the light on the man she is living with? … Signed very concerned mom

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Concerned Mom,

      Sadly, targets of narcissistic abuse often have to come to the realization themselves that their partner is disordered and the relationship is toxic. They usually have to get to a point of choosing to leave on their own.

      I wish I had better news, but that’s usually the way it has to play out…

    2. Lynn

      It has to be difficult to watch your daughter go through this but she must come to the realization herself. He may be making her feel as if he’s the only one who truly loves her. It will be tough but continue to show your love for her. He’s “winning” with isolating her by being left out of activities but it is very understandable to not want drama. Maybe you can still have family gatherings that you include them in and show her love while not responding to his drama. She needs to know she’s loved by her family. The narcissist won’t like this at all.

  28. salman zahid

    hello everyone, my wife is a narcissist, we have been married for last 1.5 year and have a small 4 month old cute daughter..my wife has always been twisting my words, and lying on my face and telling her family that i hit her, in reality she is always making me suffer, starts from her abusive language to physical attack, and i resist then she lies and twist everything against me. she have tricked her family, my family, but now since we are married for so long, everyone has seen her real face, she is evil from inside, her whole family is narcissist, i suppose. i am sure that her mother is big narcissist and this terrible NPD is inherited by her. now the point is that i m lucky that i know very her real face in my early year of marriage, i am only 26 and she is 22. Its easy to run away from her, though she has threaten me a billion times that she will get me killed, and cursing all my family and she think because of my family we are having problems, but i know her she do it every other day and say sorry and then repeat the same and have no regrets at all. she thinks that its her right and she deserve the special treatment, she has insulted my many times, in 1 and half year she has not made a single friend here where i live and she think everyone is envious to her, cuz she think she is very beautiful and needs constant admiration, she has cheated me twice in marriage but i forgave her. now we have a baby, and i love her, she is very dear to me. We had a fight a week ago at her place while she was visiting her mother. she made this plan to make me angry by insulting and hurting ego, even call my mother in front of me and scolded her like she was mother in very bad way. i couldn’t bear that so i wanted to leave immediately she stopped me, came in front of me that i won’t let u go that i pushed her with force to get her out of way and left. Later i got to know that she claimed i have attacked her with a rod. so i have decided to go for NO Contact policy. We haven’t talked since that. she never called and i never call and never will. only i want to know what should i do with my daughter, i Love her. I know she will be affected by her mom, she will not leave our daughter, she loves her a lot. If i try to take her by force or by Law then she won’t spare me, she will try to get me damage to me or my family. I am scared too, she belongs to a family, landlord and has wild killing history. her mother killed her first husband and 2nd husband left her and run, i never met him. all my wife told me that her dad was not a good man etc etc. i m worried for my daughter, please help what should i do to save her, if i say in court that she is a narcissist then she ll take it personally and her family will react. i don’t want that either. she has a very fragile self esteem. And 1 other option that i forget everything and start new life and forget that i have a daughter, but its not easy for me. its like i know i am sending my child to hell from my own hands. I feel coward and low life that i could not stand for my daughter. if my daughter stays with her mother all she ll know in her life that my father was a miserable man, this is what she will tell her and make her hate me. HELP!

  29. Anonymous

    I have been married for 8 years now, and we have a 2 year old. My husband has most of traits of narcissistic person, and I have only recently realized how damaging his behavior is for me all these years, and only wish I had realized before I had my baby. I am pondering separation/divorce for my long term health and well-being. However I am worried that my partner will seek half custody of our child. I am afraid to leave my child with him even 50% of the time reading all the ill-effects narcissistic people have on the kids. I can’t figure out if rather than separating and leaving my son to fend off for himself when he is with his father, is it better that I stay in this marriage so I can protect my child when my husband gets manipulative/abusive. It feels sad and helpless to think about the situation, and really no way out unless my husband grants me full custody. I really cannot guess what his response would be if I suggest separation. He has never gotten down to physical abuse yet, but I cannot gauge what turn the monster might take if it comes to divorce. Any suggestions on what is the best way to protect my child?

    1. Kim Saeed


      Custody would kind of depend on overall circumstances such as whether your husband job-hops, has any criminal records, has ever abandoned you and your child, and other possibly incriminating facts. Other things that might work in your favor is if you can show any irresponsibility on his part, if you can prove you are more involved in your child’s life (dr.’s appointments, school functions, dental visits, etc). Judges are typically not prone to ripping a young child away from their mother, especially if she has been the one most involved in the child’s life.

  30. I was “seeing” someone for about two years. By seeing I mean, we were having sex, with no commitments. I wanted one so very bad. Even though we were never in a real relationship, I started noticing some odd behaviors. I noticed that he would twist my words and what I was trying to say. In my heart and head, I knew he was twisting my words, but for some reason, I had no idea how to express what I was thinking. I wasn’t even sure if what I was thinking was right. He made me feel like I was crazy, he called me all kinds of names, put me down, ignore me, he was so harsh with me. Sometimes he would take the smallest thing and make into a fight. Not a fist fight. I found myself afraid to do or say things in fear of his reaction. Whatever he wanted, I was always willing to do. If there was something I wanted, he would ignore it. He was always asking if I’m cheating…I then found out he was engaged. When I said something to him about it, he made it seem like I was the one who did something wrong.
    Before I heard anything about this Narc stuff…I got to the point where I kept telling myself this is so toxic for me. He is killing me. My self-esteem was already low and with him, it seemed to have gone pass rock bottom. I felt so empty with him but afraid to be without him at the same time. I have gone with out contacting him for about a month. At first, it was so hard I didn’t think I could breathe. I kept asking God “what is this hold he has on me? One day someone posted traits of a Narc. I said that’s it. That is my problem. It was never me…I’m not crazy, dumb, stupid and all the other stuff he called me. Yes I do need help in some areas (rough childhood). But I am. To be honest, if I wasn’t raped or grew up the way I did, I doubt I would be in this mess. The good thing is, i’m out, not I’m putting myself together again, with the help of God….well, He is doing all the work in me….I’m so glad I came across this site.

    Thank you

  31. Anonymous

    I did not realize until this week that my husband might be a narcisist. We have been married seven years and together 15. He was married when we started seeing each othrr. He had to have me and eventually divorced his wife 4 years later. Fours years after that we got married. He wanted me but didnt want to let his ex go either. My children have gotten into trouble since they were teenagers. He hates them and now I barely see them. I have two grandchildren and he doesnt want them around either. I lefthim this year because he constantly cheats….he had to have me back. I went back and a month later things went back to the same. I never get anything as far as presents on any occassion. We live in his house because I sold mine. We signed an agreement that nothing would keep everything separate. If he dies I would be on the street and he thinks that is the way it should be. He is so self absorbed and has no empathy whatsoever. I am to the point that I cant stand him but dont know how to leave him. I am not even allowed to have my own checking account and I make really good money.

  32. Courtney

    Okay so I have never actually admitted to what my N has completely done to me and my daughter we were high school sweethearts anytime i was with someone else I would always come back to him no-matter what. He was always a trouble maker and as a rebellious teen I loved that about him. But there comes a time in your life that you realize the fun is no fun anymore and the constant trouble and legal issues just is not worth the hassle anymore. Anyway, I went to college and he popped up in my life again and we instantly just were “Us” again. We were back together for around 8 months when we got pregnant with our beautiful blessing of a daughter. Whom is the most important thing in my life. As soon as we found out I was pregnant he began to put large amounts of Vitamin C in drinks of mine to make me miscarry. Tried to convince me to get an abortion on numerous occasions. When I was around 5 months along we got into a heated argument- BTW he is manic bi-polar and has major I AM KING syndrome. He pushed me down a flight of stairs and I began to bleed quiet a bit so i went to the emergency room everything was fine with the baby and he was not there when i returned did not come back for a little over a week. After that occurrence things were fine for awhile until I found out he had been doing Methamphetamine. And he had brought it into my house I flushed it when i found it and told him to get out. Did not speak to him for around 2 months. Working his Narcissistic ways, he managed to weasel his way back in and stay until the baby was born. Refused to be in the delivery room when she was born and was nowhere to be found for two days after she was born.
    He came we attempted to work on things they were fine until our daughter was 6 months old. He was drinking and got mad bc apparently I had disrespected him and he went outside and slashed two of my tires so i could not drive to work. Let me add that this man has not worked 1 day in his entire life at the age of 24!!!!!So I was the only income living in Nashville Tn. Not making but $10.00/hr the struggle was difficult. The next day i had stayed with my parents at their home about an hour away he showed up that night me and our daughter being the only people in the home at the time He showed up drunk, drugged and angry and kicked in my mothers television and choked me to the ground I scratched and pulled and punched but his strength was just too overbearing I finally began to see gray and my hearing starting to sound like I was in an airplane right before your ears pop. I remembered a self defense technique and rammed my palm upward at the bridge of his nose. I managed to break his nose in fear for my life and my child. He got up and left the house with no word for days. He left my 6 month old child crying on the floor as he attempted to “Prove his dominance” by choking me to the point of hysteria. The next morning I had bruises surrounding my neck and clavicle and arms. I kept going back. He went to jail for awhile for other Legal Issues and we he got back he promised the world that everything was gonna be great we were going be a family again. All I ever wanted was to be the family he wanted. He got out of jail when she was 1 so about 6 months later after the last incident. Everything was fine we moved he began to drink heavily and with open arms the abusive behavior began again. From mentally breaking me down where I did not want to get out of bed in the morning to purposely breaking things so i would go buy a new. Then he hit me the first time slammed my head against the corner of the counter-top I received a 2nd degree concussion and had to have 14 stitches to the temple of my head. I was terrified of him I am still terrified of him. he went to jail again for legal issues bc he cant keep his sticky fingers to himself bc he is too lazy to get a job he would rather take from people that have to work for their shit. He was gone for two months when he got back we began to talk and took awhile to get back to the foundation we had years ago to be able to trust him again. Through our whole relationship he constantly had this over possessive cockiness about him. I was not able to talk to men other than him if he wanted to do something with my car it was threaten my life or the engine in my vehicle or let him go drunk driving he wrecked 2 of my cars and smashed the window out once In 4 years I have had 8 slashed tires 2 broken house windows 3 tvs broken 2 cell phones destroyed beyond recognition. And so much more. Finally we were back together for about 4 months and it was our family day we took our daughter now 1 1/2 yrs old to the park to play and for a walk in the woods(We lived in the country) Not much to do. around 6 I told him me and our daughter needed to head home to get dinner started and wash clothes for the next day. (We were not living together at this time.) He began to get so angry and continued to tell me that if i left he would follow me home and shoot my mother in the head. I calmly went inside to give him enough time to calm down and I would attempt to leave at a later time when he had cooled himself down. He came in waving a pistol around saying if I got in the car he would blow my throat out( EXACT WORDS!!!!) His grandmother intervened and he broke her cell phone when she attempted to call police he forced me and my daughter into the vehicle with a gun pointed at the nape of my neck. we left unwillingly with him he calmed and realized his grandmother had called the law on him after around 2 hours of driving to avoid repercussion I told him I needed to drop him off and he did not need to be putting me and his daughter in his legal and mental issues. I dropped him off I instantly went back to his grandma’s house where there were over 10 police waiting Every cop in two counties was looking for him. He was arrested the next day not knowing where the gun was. He was bonded out within 24 hours. No contact-via Order of Protection was filed against him in mine and my daughters protection. A month later he followed me home from work to her daycare where he ran me into a ditch with her in the backseat I was able to maneuver the vehicle back onto the road and drive as fast as I could before he got out of his car. I called 911 and went strait to my mothers house which was the closest at the time. I waited for police filed report—-on on on. He went to jail is still in jail going on 6 months now and has just threatened my new boyfriend saying he will kill him for taking his “Property” away for stealing his family and moving in on his territory”??????!!!! What should I do? I have finally distanced myself from this psychotic behavior and found me and my daughter a beautiful home and stable environment. We are great without him?!!! Why would I want that back in my life? What should I do about his behavior and aggression I am worried for our safety when he gets out in a short amount of time. My current bf should not have to deal with this nonsense either.

    1. K


      I have had similar experiences
      (multiple chokings/ abuse/facing your eminent death ) and that must be why your post captured my attention; not in a good way. Please know I have never felt a push to reply- as I do now. As an outsider.. with no alterior motive, no other information than what you shared, I knew your “story” was going to progressively worsen! My inner voice was screaming, ” HE’s GOING TO KILL HER”! Courtney, he will; and your beautiful daughter because he knows he can’t ever ” have” your mind, body, soul, or love again. HE CAN’T EVER BE GIVEN ANOTHER CHANCE- PLEASE SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY BY STANDING STRONG, UNITED, AND FIGHT TO KEEP HIM FAR AWAY! DO NOT HESITATE – HE’S COUNTING ON IT!

      1. courtney

        Oh within a week of him getting out of jail he set my house on fire because I wouldn’t speak to him.

        1. Kim Saeed

          Grief! Did you report him? I hope the damage wasn’t too much!

      2. Courtney

        I found out yesterday that he is wanting visitation and his name on her birth certificate. I have soubt legal representation to fight him on this. From what the paperwork says he thinks that it is in the best interest of my daughter for him to be in her life. I find myself constantly thinking I cant do this anymore. The only thing keeping me strong is my daughter and the fact that she has to see this happening and the things she has seen him do to me is awful and that carries a heavy burden. At this point after the fire he is being charged with 2x 1st degree attempted murder, agg arson, stalking and harrassment. Please someone give me light on this situation and tell me no judge in their right mind will give him visitation with her. There is no telling what he will do. He could run off with her and I would never see her again.

  33. ellen

    I have lived with a narcissist for 15 years. Only in the last 3 years have i made the discovery that i married the devil. The look of hate that comes from him makes me wonder if an evil spirit takes over when he flies into one of his rages. Abusive on all levels. I’ve had plenty of bruises and broken bones.And how well he sells it to the world that i am the abusive one. I recently spent four days on the cardiac unit and had a heart catherization. I am 44 and yes i smoke. I guess that could be the sole cause but i have to tell you the toll of living with man has affected my health. It’s a constant stress session. When he drives it’s a F@#$% nightmare. Tailgating, screaming at other drivers over petty things. You can see the imprint of my fingernails on the dashboard. When i drive he’s always pointing where i should go, when i already know. God forbid if i don’t move fast enough at a green light. My children see his pathology but what can they do? They don’t want him coming after them as he does me.I have inheritance money coming. His “dark passenger” has been on his best behavior. He moved out of our room last christmas and now he’s slowly moving back, saying things like”we can fix the house up” and on and on. Of course he tells everyone i kicked him out. I can only imagine what he tells the women or men he’s been screwing. He hates women. There are no boundaries. I am just a cow he married to have his offspring. Who knows how many others he’s had sex with. It sickens me to think he’s exposed me to std”s. He’s well aware that i have seen him without his mask. I know what he is. God has shown me the truth. I am cunning as a serpent and gentle as a dove. When i exit he won’t see it coming. He did not create this life nor will he destroy it. It’s mine god gave it to me. Anyone who tries to throw that “but divorce is a sin”” crap at you has not and could not grasp the insidious, diabolical and purely evil agenda of this kind of person.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Ellen, I’m sorry for what you’ve endured…yet glad that you plan to leave and aren’t falling for the “divorce is a sin” trap. The fact is, when we stay with an abuser, we are enabling their sin. God doesn’t want us to enable sin. So, when you’ve tried to make the marriage work, but get nothing but emotional (and/or physical) abuse in return, God will totally understand your decision to leave. (A previous pastor said this to me, so I consider his advice to be sound).

      1. Ellen

        Hi Kim. I think it’s important to have sites like this. It’s called a personality disorder but i believe there is a spiritual dictation going on as well. I’ve never seen anyone react so violently to god’s word.If i even mention scripture his face contorts as if something else has taken over.This abuse is sneaky and deliberate.I believe the devil uses the ones closest to us. How else would he reach you? And the ones he uses of course don’t know that they are being influenced this way. I’m on a journey back to myself. The one thing i loved most was the first thing that was ripped away from me. Laughter. I didn’t lose it, it was stolen from me.I want others on this site to know it is the hope for happiness that keeps us alive. when you know the truth it will set you free from the bad intentions of others.Little baby steps, one day at a time.

  34. Anonymous

    Thank you all for letting me know, I’m not alone. This is taking over my life. I have been married to this demon for seven years now and short of the physical abuse (might as well be, at least those wounds heal) I’ve gone and am going through all of the above. One think I don’t think I saw was the way they rage and create havoc and then minutes, hours, days later act like nothing happened. Literally, like nothing happened. So, I’m stuck reeling and he has moved on, like I’m the one who has a personality disorder. So many times, I been told, I’m too sensitive, take myself too serious, can’t get over things… I saw that the silent treatment doesn’t work because he just keeps picking, picking, picking until I finally fight back myself. When I start raising my voice, he calms down and tells me to look at myself, look at my behavior, turns it around on me. When that happens, he usually calms down… In his words, “you’re no better than me”. Is he right?!?! Have I crossed over and am now the same as him? Of course not, but he sure can make me feel like I am. Fight or flight is not working, standing up for myself is not working, nothing is working. He tells me, this is marriage and I don’t get marriage and I think marriage supposed to be a fairy tale; that’s not true. What I do know is THIS is NOT what marriage is supposed to be and if it is, I don’t want it! So, all that being said… do others experience the crazy-making that they do, the rants and rages and then they act like NOTHING happened? Also, is it possible to act as if everything is normal (normal, that’s a laugh) while secretly planning your escape? Oh, with the caveat of staying sane while doing it? Thanks for your time and any advice you can provide.

    1. Ellen

      Dear anonymous. Your entry sounds like a broken record of my life. Seven years you’ve been with this man? You are lucky to have made this discovery so early on.15 years of my life literally wasted, almost destroyed.Yes the “BAITING” happens all the time, of course so my kids can hear.Quietly he digs and picks until finally i explode then he says loudly”what are you yelling at me for? I just asked a question!” Always making it look like YOU are the one instigating the fights. My kids will ask “Why are you always making him mad?” It’s insidious During one of his rages he came up behind me (didn;t see it coming) threw me into a wall and broke my foot. Then told my kids “your drunk mother tripped and broke her foot”.And oh yes, he will skin me alive with his words and behavior then 5 minutes later act like nothing even happened.You said a key word when you said “act” as if everything is normal. Since they live in the world of make believe one thing i have learned is to do the same. I make believe that i don’t know he’s cheated on me god knows how many times. I don’t react to the blatant lies and temper tantrums of this over grown 3 year old. You could have an 8 by 10 colored glossy with circles and arrows pointing out his indiscretions, busted stone cold caught in his lies and he would still deny it and turn it around on you that your paranoid.He will accuse you of the very thing he’s guilty off. Projection.Sadly when you said “i do” he didn’t. I can’t tell you how angry and humiliated i felt when i woke up from his nightmare. The only way to protect your sanity is to understand his insanity.Yes there is a way to navigate while your sailing to calmer waters. Take care of yourself FIRST. They will try to kill the very thing that is beautiful about you. Because it’s beautiful.I don’t know what you believe but god gave you your life.He knew you before he formed you in the wound.You were not put on this earth to be destroyed by ANYONE. The self rightous will tell you that divorce is a sin. But what about getting the crap beat out of you everyday emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually? Yes god can change anyone. But he has a free will.And as long as he feels entitled to be an emotional vampire, a predator, destroying everyone in his path you have every right to protect youself from ones like these. Hard to believe isn’t it? Where did they come from? Like their souls have been hijacked by the devil.He may not be a demon but it’s not so hard to believe that one is dictating him. Hold on to yourself girl and know unfortunately your not alone.best wishes, ellen

  35. Lynn

    I have been married to my husband for 23 years. I’ve gone through many of the same situations that the other women have- verbal/emotional abuse, threats, infidelity. I finally got up the nerve to leave 3 months ago and found an apartment with our youngest child who will be turning 18 soon. At the time that I left I didn’t know anything about narcissism. I just knew that I was codependent (I grew up an only child of an alcoholic single mother and never knew my dad.) and that I needed to regain my self esteem and live in a safe environment. I started out with no contact but a minister friend of ours that he contacted called me to arrange a counseling session for us. I agreed. After this session I allowed him to continue to talk to me. I had a lot of mixed feelings about divorce and breaking up my family as a Christian woman. I also allowed others (all mutual friends he has contacted) to condemn me for leaving my home and I was even told that he has changed and that everyday of my marriage couldn’t have been all bad. I have felt very alone in this because of course he has isolated me for so many years that I have no friends or family to talk to. I only have my children who actually have been absolutely ok about me leaving. I find myself now wishing that I had not talked to him or anyone else that he contacted because although we still live apart he still controls my thoughts and emotions. I started out really expressing how I felt but I now find myself going along with whatever he says not to cause friction again. He calls me all day. if I don’t answer right away he texts me constantly. He gives me cards every time he sees me. When he gives me money it is only in a way to show that he wants to take care of me now- things he NEVER did before like gas money, hair salon, spa treatments, clothes…… I had never seen this side of him in all the 23 years that we were married so at first I thought I would give him a chance but I’ve never lost that uneasy feeling enough to go back. There have been little incidences that have shown me that he hasn’t changed his character. I feel really stupid for not filing for divorce right away and being strong enough to not look back. I’m worried about taking care of our child who is in the last year of high school but will be 18 soon and going off to college next year. My husband has always held back finances to also control me.

  36. Maggie

    Just to say that this website is great and has already been so inspiring to me! All the above points are true however 2,4 and 5 ring most true to my situation. I initiated divorce proceedings against my Narc at the beginning of this year but almost 9 months in I’m STILL struggling to break free despite him now being over the other side of the world. It’s really tough breaking the cycle, but going back to the article I believe I’m proof of some of these things! I have definitely noticed a marked improvement in both my physical and mental health since at least removing myself from the every day emotional roller coaster / circus that was my marriage. I’m no longer so depressed or anxious / obsessive about minor things, I sleep a lot better and some medical complaints that I’ve been struggling with for literally years have pretty much just vanished! It’s amazing how quickly the body and mind can begin to recover, you just need to give them a chance. My husband used to say to me that I was “choosing” to be unhappy in the marriage and that I was “choosing” to be depressed/sick etc. I see now that that was kind of true as I let my boundaries be pushed and pushed and chose to stay in the relationship despite it being a miserable one. However I’m proof that it’s never too late to choose a better way and rescue yourself from all the above and more! Stay strong people 🙂

  37. After 47 yrs I have found out my husband has been living a double life for 30yrs with another woman we met at 15 we are now 62

  38. Anne

    I have a 6 month old with a narcissist. we were together over 2 years. the relationship was full of lies, cheating, hidden fetish, and him turning things around on me and humiliating and alienating me. I found him on multiple dating sites and he had a different excuse every time (we were fighting a lot, you made me mad , I was just looking for friends, I didn’t even remember I was on there, haven’t been on that site at all, I only made it because I knew you would stalk me). It gets old really fast and the lies became more ridiculous. He abused me verbally and physically, put me down so much and became a lazy bum. I worked while pregnant and he sat home playing video games and cheating on me.

    He has a lot of friends and his friends are on his side, even thought his lies are so obvious. like his car got repossessed and he has told his friends it got stolen. he is a drunk as well, 3 DUIs and breaks the law when it’s convenient to him.

    the abuse never ended, he would hurt me and then say he didn’t do anything to me. When i defended myself, he would say I abused him. He’s a master manipulator and tries to get sympathy out of everybody. Our daughter is caught in the middle. I kicked him out after he for physical with me and with my dad. He began lying and telling people he left on his own. He had been telling me he wasn’t going to help with the baby. When I exposed that to people, he lied and said I was keeping her from him. He filed for joint custody and lives 6 hours away driving. He didn’t want to pay child support. Then he said he only wanted her 1 week each month, then he said I was a great mom and baby is better off with me because he does not want to do all of the work and give up his life for her. he has sent no money and had to be begged to send small things. so, while I take care of baby, he’s still on dating sites and lies about being on them. he spends money on random women and not much on his child. I let him see our baby, we have. I orders, it was because I was being nice and he tried to kidnap her and also put his hands on me. He lied to his dad about what happened when I had been kind to him all week. you cannot trust narcissists, they will turn everything around on you and lie their butts off. they are actors and their family and friends are supporting actors and audience members. They are enablers. My goal is to keep my daughter far away from him and his family. I tried and I see he is a violent and selfish lying person. I will be filing a restraining order. He lowered my self esteem and made me think everything was my fault and that I was crazy. I suffer from depression and he used that to say I was crazy when he was the reason I was so sad all of the time. I just wish he would go away. I can’t believe I loved him and a part of me still does. I am going no contact and the restraining order should cement it.

  39. Sarah

    Hi there everyone its been soooo great to read your posts although I am sorry you have all had so much pain in your lives. I’m very new to all of this and I’m somewhat overwhelmed to be realising the full extent of what 22years of being with a narcissistic person has done to me. I like yourselves have so many things I could tell you about that happened to me during my relationship but what I would dearly like help and advice with is how to deal with how I’m feeling now. I left my relationship over a year ago now and I have been receiving pshcodynamic counselling for 3 years but due to being isolated from may family members and friends for so long, I now am very much on my own and I am really struggling with just getting by in everyday life. Because I don’t trust anyone I don’t feel I can explain to anyone that I feel like a freak because I suffer with agoraphobia and I don’t feel I can relate to anyone with whom I come into contact with because they all seem so ‘normal’ and I don’t. I know now that I can never go back (even though i’ve left 3 times before) but I’m just really struggling with life in general. I don’t work (i’m officially retired due to ill health at the age of 41 due to an accident he caused which has left me with multiple physical problems, contant pain and depression which I now have to take constant morphine for plus numerous other meds and the laughable thing is he denies any of it was his fault!!!) so I have an enormous amount of time on my hands which I know I need to fill but its like ive got some kind of concrete block infront of me that I just cant get past. I was doing quite well but then I found out he is in another relationship with a girl that used to be my best friend (which he’s probably done on purpose to try to wind me up or make me jealous so i realise i need to take him back and its set me right back to square one 🙁 I really sympathise with each and everyone of you readers and I would really really appreciate any help and advice you can give me as I feel like i’m just about treading water but I’m not sure how long I can keep this up for. II’m also paranoid that he will somehow get to read my post but i’m going out on a limb because i don’t know what else to do. Many thanks in advance.

  40. lovedancer

    I have just discovered this site and am relieved to find some support. I broke up with N not even three weeks ago- tried no contact but gave in to his contacting me. Now he’s off with someone new and though I am not jealous because I know I’m not missing anything, I am going through all the mixed, powerful emotions of missing him/hating him, enjoying my space/feeling the emptiness without him, and worst of all, wanting to get revenge on him because I am so angry the more I realize the reality of how much he did lie to me. I realize that every time I suspected something was off, my intuition was correct- it was off. Many times we went through so much ridiculousness with him “proving” my suspicions were wrong, but now I know there is probably much more I had no idea was going on. So I have the desire to f%^&* him up and derail him, and though I have too much pride to actually do anything drastic, the feelings are frighteningly powerful and eat away at me.

  41. alex ALEXENDRIA

    I was IN A relationship with an arrogant self centered man for 4 year and had no idea of the kind of man i was living with. What am about to write now, is not a mistake its something am proud of cos i will never stand to see some irresponsible man rise my child. Until now i use to say i am the strongest woman on earth i mean no matter what a man throws at my face in a relationship i will always not let it affect me. Well i was wrong when you have a child with that man every thing he does that is not in your interest hurt you so bad that it feels like your heart is bleeding not cos of you something but mostly because of your child. The name i’m using here is a fictional name cos i don’t want anybody talking about me. Mike and i,were together for four years and we had a child a son together but we weren’t married. Our relationship was just as fun as it usually is in the dating stage i mean we went dates we text all night he call me on the phone just to tell me i love you. It was the best moment of my life aside from the birth of my son and he was right there with me in the labor room when i put to birth he never left my side i mean my life was a fairy tale with the happily ever after theme. When i look back now i ask myself why?Why did he go through all that trouble when really he didn’t love me as he use to say. It was hard for me cos he went from being perfect to being ruthless he made sure i knew he was cheating on me with another b**ch and went i was tried to go away with my son, he threatening to take him away for me that i came with nothing and and also leaving with nothing . I wish i can put this in film to make it more clear for you guy i mean he made me pass through hell. And he was really going to take my son from me cos he was wealthy and the law was on his side cos i had nothing to offer my son i mean i work three job and hardly had time for myself he used that against and i was losing cos i could not even afford a lawyer. Everything was spinning out of hand. All i had with me was the hate and pain in my heart i would stay up all night crying my eyes out cos i had nothing to do. But like they say a desperate woman is a dangerous one. In my quest for help on how to make the scum bag stay away form me and my son i contacted a spell casted i found online i have seen a couple of good remark about him and some most highly recommended him as the best in spell casting. Like i say am proud of what i did if wanting to be with your son by all mean necessary is crazy then i am crazy to have contacted Mutton Osun the spell caster. It made me calm when mutton osun told me he can help me and that he was not going to charge me but how ever he asked me to get the materials we use for the spell and i also paid for the delivery of the parcel he sent me with instruction of how to make the spell effective. Just weeks after i did what he asked me Mike dropped all the case and left the country with his new b**ch i didn’t really care cos i had my baby that is alright for me though i love him i don’t want a monster as a husband or a father of my child so i let him go. I highly recommend you contact Mutton Osun for help if you need any on his email godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com

  42. Antoinette C.

    Antoinette C.
    After reading some of the comments here I had to respond. I have been married to a Narc for 25 years!! Yes, 25 years. I couldn’t defined what exactly his problem was until a friend of mine texted me to look up the definition of a narcissist. I had never heard of this type of person until then. I looked up the definition and it described my husband in every way.

    My husband is a pastor and it has been a living hell living with this man and attending church with him. His behavior is that of a blood sucker that literally sucks the life out of you. One minute he is sweet the next minute he starts an argument over nothing.

    I believe he is cheating on me. There are several no shows for church services and he gives no explanation to where he was. Several people have left our church because of his bipolar behavior. I really can’t take it anymore. Christian woman have been taught to stay in the marriage and work things out, but it is beyond that. I really want to leave this marriage and move far away from him. There is no love for this man. I don’t even want to be around him. 2 things that keep me staying here 1. My children who are now grown, 2. The ministry. I feel so guilty leaving the people in the church that I have built relationships with them, but I am so depressed and stressed out.

    He has sniffed the life out of me. I can’t stand him. I wish he would just leave me so that I wouldn’t have to deal with his craziness. I know that he would try to fight me if I left. My kids don’t want to be around him because he wants to control them. Please help me!!! I want out of this marriage!!!! He’s a pathological liar. He lies about everything. I want out, but don’t know how to leave. Thanks for listening! Toni C.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Toni, would you be able to make it on your own if you left? If so, I can help you with going No Contact and moving forward. Life is too short to spend it stuck in a miserable marriage/relationship.

  43. ruby

    I have been involved with my narcissist husband for 4 years. I cut contact with him just a few days ago. During our brief relationship and marraige he cheated on me with his ex but convinced me that he was my soul mate and he loved me more than anything in the world. I was lured in by our deeply romantic and passionate times and his extravagant romantic gestures. He proposed and I married him despite my family worrying that he was too controlling. Our marraige has been a nightmare and I have nearly lost who I am. He has ridiculous uncontrollable jealousy and rages, he has called me a whore and worse if I visit friends or go out with family, and trusts noone.I have spent the last few years desperately trying to understand why and how he could be like this. He tells me I never put him first, that I abuse him, that I don’t respect him. He wants wants wants and nothing is ever good enough, including me now, I believe. He was bankrupt when I married him so I supported him financially for the next year.. We did ivf twice, I put 15000 on a credit card in my name, believing that we were a team and would pay it off together. He then got a good job. While I was doing the ivf abroad, he freaked out and went crazy because my phone was off for 2 hours. He ordered me to be in my hotel room by 10 and follow all his other demands, or he would tell the clinic to kill our embryos. He phoned me for the next few days, raging at me while I sobbed on the floor. When I came home he continued to be a tyrant and controlled me by withholding money. I then found out he had been on a dating site and was a complete wreck. I kicked him out but he convinced me to give him another chance-‘ I was his reason for breathing’. He continued to completely abuse my emotions – once screaming at me for 3 hours because I had not bought eggs for the weekend and that meant’ I didn’t love him’. In April, I had surgery and was sick for a while. I became very dependent emotionally and physically on him. He left me 2 weeks after I got out of hospital, just disappeared for 3 weeks. Despite saying he wanted a divorce, he has continued to see me and be extremely cruel in his behaviour because I initially begged him to come back. He told me our shared debt was all mine, and he wouldnt pay a penny and still I couldnt tell him to get out of my life. Until I read about this disorder and realised that my awful marraige wasnt actually my fault. I have blocked facebook (when he put he was single and interested for women)but am still getting text messages and emails (nice ones now of course) which I have not replied to. I know I need to block them too.

  44. Rebecca D.

    This is great information and very helpful. I am a very logical successful person and got involved with a fellow co-worker about 18 months ago. He was married but was in the process of moving out and divorcing …so he said. Later I found out he moved out and filed for divorce specifically because of our relationship. Apparently everything was fine at home and it was out of the blue, and that was not the story that I got. He torridly went after me and very quickly I was deeply in love with someone that I felt was my soulmate. My friends, my family, and all the co workers knew about our relationship and he was very public about how much he loved me and couldnt wait to marry me. Over the last 120 days we had been planning an international assignment for work together. Suddenly about a month ago after committing to the new job and shopping for wedding rings, he called with his wife ( still not fully divorced) and basically said I have to go home, I have to be here, I cant do this anymore, my wife caught me with yet another woman here….I am not the man that you think I am. I am tearing up the divorce papers and going home. The wife yells at me such…..Im left holding the bag at work, wioth family, and friends…and he was cheating on me too…..Over the last month, the wife, and the girlfriend have contacted me…and I have found out that he did the exact same thing to his college girlfriend 2 years before meeting me. This is clearly NPD behavior after reading what seems like 10 million articles on this and talking with professionals. What I dont understand is the other girlfriend and why in the hell would someone go that far at work and risk our jobs in a company where we are very high up and visible? Its just ludicrous. Lastly- the wife is taking him back yet again….now after knowing he was not only invovled with 1 but two women at one time…..She needs to just move on, but thats not my problem at this point. I am taking the international job and getting out of here for a few years, but any advice on how to help logically understand any of this and try to start healing would be helpful…..I have good days and bad, but he took over my brain and still exists there …….Some days it feels like i will never forget or forgive.

    After all of this the coward has not even had a conversation with me..Condescending emails and communication from the wife. Who does he think he is? JERK a total sick JERK.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Rebecca, thank you for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      Unfortunately, there is never any logical sense to be made out of our experiences with Narcissists. The only logic is to embrace that it’s completely illogical. It took me almost two years, but I finally understood that my Ex never really loved me. That explained why his actions never matched his words (false promises, hoovering when I threatened to leave, claiming I was the only one he ever really loved).

      You will need to make a conscious, consistent effort to occupy your mind with other things, especially your healing. And to answer your question, “Who does he think he is”? He thinks he’s the center of the universe. They all do. We matter not (in their minds).

  45. Argaret

    I am married to a narcissist and lived with him for 32 years. He cheated on me big time every few years and God knows how many times in between. I was always in denial because of my co-dependency. We had a lot of children and I thought I should stay because of them. When he betrayed me with my best friend I knew I had to leave him. But I did not feel strong enough. I decided to leave in one year during which time I would become stronger and make a plan. I went to a Christian 12 step recovery program. By the end of the year I was ready. I moved out with the youngest two children. I went back to university and started working. For the sake of the children we stayed friends and had dinners and outings as a family. A transformed narcissist told me I should break all ties with him as being dependent on him in any way gives him power. I found this hard to do but now thankfully his behaviour has forced me to. He went overseas refusing to tell me what he was doing. A month later one of the children told me he had a girl living with him. He imported an Asian woman half his age. I found this intolerable as our children have contact with him. I reacted very strongly which surprised me as I thought I was over him. However it brought back all the shame. He used to cheat behind my back but now he can do it to my face. I’m finally realising how toxic this relationship was to me. I was sick most of the winter every winter for the last 20 yrs. Since moving out I’ve hardly had a day sick. My counsellor helped me know how to get my power back. I had given it to him. God has given me my dream job, I have a lot of people I can go to for support and my kids are great. They help me to know the time with him wasn’t wasted.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Argaret, thank you so much for visiting and for sharing your story. I’m so glad you’re one of the lucky few who found a good counselor and that you’re thriving now. Blessings to you…

  46. barbara

    It’s been 4-1/2 years of nightmare for me. I thought I had found the most perfect man. Everything was fantastic – but his behavior was weird. 1-1/2 years later I found out through snooping that the “friends” he had were affairs. He was a serial cheater. But, he had been in therapy by this time so I gave it another go. I was devastated. His behavior became violent the more therapy he had. I don’t believe he really wanted to change. Our fights were legendary and always my fault. He ignored my son like he didn’t exist. Then he lost his job and was out of work for 9 months. I always complained about the internet as he’d be on it 12-14 hours a day blogging, reading and commenting on sites, etc. Finally he got a job and went to KY. He became evasive. I snooped and found out he was on the cheating path again. Called him and told him not to come home. I packed all his things and put them in a storage container, changed the locks. It has been very painful to leave but I know with each day it gets better. I go to therapy to make sure I heal so I don’t ever attract an asshole like this again.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks for sharing that, Barbara. I’m sorry you had to go through it, but it sounds like you made the best decision for you and your son by severing the ties. Kudos.

      1. Anonymous

        What an amazing insightful place to be. He is a serial liar, alcoholic, drug taker and very sick man.
        I am finally about to exit. So scared yet very excited. I have 2 sons from a former marriage 7 & 8….4 months after giving birth to our son I caught at a strip club for 5 hours in drugs and that wasn’t enough he then cheated with a Transgender prostitute…..he told me she had better boobs than I did. He lies about porn and sites he visits online..He is violent, verbally abusive, tells me I am a fat c$&t and that my legs are horrible. I am a former model and at 36 still look great and slim.
        He tells me the next woman will be younger and better looking. I have been so ashamed that that I have a second failed marriage I have stuck in there but I have been bitten me on the face , threatened, told me I am a bad mother , terrible with money, loser , I have no friends. He often says he’s such a handsome man.
        I am appalled I have stayed this long. I am packing every cupboard quietly each day and go to my parents tomorrow. I have a great job and income. I am leaving for my sons.

        1. Kim Saeed

          Anon, I’m so happy you’ve decided to make the break.

          I hope you don’t believe the cruel things he’s said to you over the years, though from personal experience I’d venture to say you do to some degree. Please check out my healing tools and start with listening to guided meditations if you haven’t already. Aim to listen to one every night at bedtime. They will help you get your confidence back if done consistently.

          Best of luck on your new life <3

  47. Rebecca Gregory

    I know you all problely dontwant to hear this but honestly you can control narc because its a selfish disorder of course but think hard god didn’t give it to you< you chose it but by giving your heart mind and soul to god we are able to control those issues. the devil loves to play on your weeknesses and and convinces you you are that way and that is that. no your not god doesn't make you that way and surely don't want you to choose that path its just people are selfish and they just don't want to change< especially if they hv to give up some of their desires.remember satan plays with your mind don't be weak and fall for it because you just don't want to live for god admit that and that's your answer to the cure…. come on fix the problem I know it worksthere was a time a s a teen I was dealing with some of that im sure but as a women being in so much counciling and meds didn't work. till I decided to go back to jesus Christ and ask for the cure now I put others before myself and I married a wonderful man who is normal and puts people first also; it works for us. when I find myself being tempted by satan to be selfish I ask god for help and I rebuke satan there I find myself again and god gives me the ability to control my old issues. stop giving satan credit for making you think you will always be that way that's a lie and don't fall for it .if your willing to share your problem with others why not share with jesus he already knows anyway and he just wants you to let go and let god….. I know your life will be amazing and the results will give you peace and happiness.and simple ten comments will show you what your not suppose to do .or you just cant handle rules and morals and valules? stop making excuses narc is your choice .
    self control isn't hard if you let go and let god… what do you have to loose? but you have a lot to gain.stop being so spoiled and self consumed that's only satan and its your own fault for not taking the real medicine jesus Christ………………..

    1. Melanie

      I believe with all my heart Jesus is the cure and Satan is the ultimate narcissist! The Bible has warned us that in the last days we would see this happening and it clearly is all around us! We need to be on our knees praying all the time about this. Narcissists are being born from broken marriages and our children are shutting down and becoming numb and dead inside because of it. Satan is having a field day and must be stopped ASAP! God be with us all.

  48. Sonya Jones

    Hi Kim, I’m in such early days. This is only day 7 of no contact. I have had so many ups and downs this week, but since I’ve started reading your posts a couple of days ago, it’s like having my daily bible reading. That’s how important I see it. I am very affected by my ex narc. He portrays himself as a laid back, charming wolf in sheeps clothing. But a few years ago, he let his mask drop, for 3 days, he raged around like a bull. I was left in my room with our newborn, with every thong (flip flop) jammed under my door trying to keep him out. He just shoved it open.. He would waltz in and start degrading me and yelling, then started taking things that I treasured.. this happened on again off again for 3 days.. He would drop his atomic bomb and then storm out.. Then he would barge back into my room when he had fresh abuse for me.. I was utterly guttered.. I remember saying, OK, OK, YOUVE HURT ME AND DESTROYED ME AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, NOW JUST STOP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.. He replied, NO WAY, I WILL NEVER STOP HURTING YOU. I cannot remember much about what happened after that, but obviously I took him back.. I need to remember these things.. Cos that was a time when I thought, THIS ISNT EVEN HUMAN!! On the 4th day of NO CONTACT. He started ringing my home phone, which his number is blocked, but if he turns his mobile onto private, it skips the block! Or if he calls from a public phone box. I cut my SIM card up on my mobile ph and just got a new number, so that’s all good. He works away for 4 wks and home for 1 week. So far he’s been away working, but he is due back in 1 week on Monday.. This is the time I fear. Although, when he was calling and leaving heart felt msgs on my home ph on day 4, I emailed him and told him, that his life will be cut short for what he has done to me.. I took the bible in hand and sed that, anyone who touches Gods annointed, will lose their life.. I think he genuinely believed me, short term anyway, as he hasn’t made any attempt to contact me. If he does come to my home, I shall get a restraining order.. But the abuse is very hard to prove especially when it’s so cleverly hidden from everyone around me. When our daughter was just a baby, my ex would offer to take her in the shower with him.. I was wrapped as it meant a lot less work setting up the baby bath etc.. But after a while I would notice him emerging with different stages of arrousal.. That was horrific.. Then between the ages of 1 and 2 she was acting out sexually in front of friends and family.. I even caught her about to bend over in front of him when they were bathing together.. I got her out immediately and never let them bathe together again. They do so much horrific stuff under the radar.. And I only can pray and keep reading your articles to empower me to stay strong.. Although every day when I initially wake up, the first thing I do is check to sed if he has emailed me.. And have to admit my sad feeling when he has not.. Us Empaths are loving to our own detriment.. And if any of you who may read this, are God fearing Christians, I ask if you would add me to your Prayer list.. I LOVE YOU KIM, YOU ARE BEING USED BY GOD TO BE A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS.. TO BE A SAFE PLACE FOR US LOVERS TO FALL. I just hope and pray that one day I might meet another Empathy person to live out my days with.. I find myself doubtfull as I reckon the ratio of Narcs far outweigh the number of Empaths.. PLEASE GOD, BRING ME MY BOAZ! I had a prophetic word from a minister friend of my Dad, and he knew nothing of my relationship and he prophesied how I’ve always seen myself as one of the ugly Sisters ( Cinderella) but that God was bringing me forth, not as an Ugly Sister, but as CINDERELLA. He said, he saw me on my future wedding day and how I looked in the mirror and how I saw myself for the first time as Cinderella! So I claim Gods promise right now that He is getting my BOAZ ready… And all you gorgeous Empaths, you can also believe for your Boaz.. Some light at the end of the tunnel.. Thankyou for reading my story. Sorry that it’s a little all over the place, I don’t have a friend in the world to talk of any of this, I lost my best friend when she had an affair with my former husband and childhood sweetheart 10 yrs ago. And because every one of my family, even my kids, are disordered, I have to keep to myself. I live with my elderly Narc parents as I’ve been bed ridden with Lymes Disease for the past 8 yrs and cannot look after myself or my daughter. I just wonder how much of my illness has been contributed by my string of Narcs in my life… Time will tell.. COME ON MY BOAZ, COME AND RESCUE ME FROM THE FIREY DRAGON!! Lol xxxxxxxxxxx

  49. Jer

    I’ve been with a narcississt for five years now and just recently did my own research on his behaviors to get clarity. I’ve always been so confused as to why he does the things he does and after reading so many articles on narcissism, it is so clear to me. Narcissists don’t have the capability to maintain a healty relationship. I’m preparing my exit plan and moving forward with my life, beginning with moving out and initiating a child custody hearing with a lawyer. I feel so empowered after realizing that this Man is sick and destorted, and leaving and working on improving my self esteem is the only way to heal and progress. I am super worried about him becoming desperate or in a rage and doing something harmful to myself or my kids during my leaving so I am planning on moving my things while he’s at work. I regret wasting 5 years on this monster but I have learned everything I need to know about myself in the process, both good and bad. God is amazing. When you give your worries to him e will enlighten you and make a path for a better future. I hope all of you going through the same thing rely on your support systems and remember that we all deserve o be happy and respected.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Jer, thank you for sharing your story. I, too, relied on God through my own ordeal with a Narcissist.

      Just FYI, you may be able to have a police officer go with you to your residence as you move if you are afraid of your partner becoming abusive. Just call the courthouse and find out what the process is (if you are afraid for your safety and that of your children, it may be necessary to file a protective order).

      Best of luck going forward!

  50. Pingback: When You Let the Narcissist Back Into Your Life | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  51. Anonymous

    I ended with my narc in April 2014. I had no idea that he was planning a vacation with another woman he met on the internet. I think he was using her to help pay for the expenses. He asked me several months ago if I wanted to go and and I said no i guess he had to find someone. I got an email from him telling me he had been out of the country three weeks ago at which time I did not reply. Since then, I have gotten a few text messages from him with words that made me know that he wanted me to respond. I did reply back one time telling him about my trip to San Juan, PR —- he did not reply back because I feel it was about me and not him. This is the third time I have been discared and him returning — its mostly in the Spring/Summer with him returning in the Fall, but not this time. I usually stayed in contact during those times, but realized that this is not good for me. Now I am in No Contact —– I am in the anger/hate stage and have been reading a lot about this disorder. I realize now that he is sick. The last time he came back he told me that “God sent him back to me”, lol So I guess it was God that took him away I initially told him that I could not do this with him anyway and please return my house key. He hung up the phone on me with that request and I did not hear from him for three weeks That request was totally ignored. I gave up on trying to get it back . I feel myself getting stronger every day. Journaling helps!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Anonymous, thank you for sharing. I’m glad to know you have been strong and won’t be allowing this guy back into your life. You may, however, want to consider getting the locks changed on your house. It never hurts to be prepared when it comes to these people!

  52. Dawn

    I’ve been with a narc man for 4 years myself and he has cheated on me with prostitutes and anyone he can find to pay attention to him. I am a beautiful woman, so I’ve been told anyway, and in great shape, we had a great sex life and thought we would be married one day, then after I busted him with his whores he keeps telling me how sorry he is and will do anything, offering me the world and is SO convincing but deep down he’s a sick man who needs help, I also caught him on all the dating sites while being with me and he even put my sons on the site to look like he’s a good man as he had no children of his own. He also rages very badly at me and almost hits me if I ask him anything about infidelity. He’s a very good looking man who is very successful and my sons called him dad, very sad! He’s destroyed my life for the last four years and I haven’t been strong enough to cut all communication but after reading tonight I have found strength to know I’m not alone and need to do the hard work to find peace and move forward with my life. Thank you!!!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Dawn, thank you for sharing. You are indeed not alone. No Contact is the hardest thing for victims to implement because it’s very similar to detoxing from drugs due to the psychological and biochemical factors involved. In spite of the scathing evidence that these people are highly toxic, they keep us under a spell which is very hard to break…

      Best of luck moving forward. You can do this!

  53. cosetta

    I am currently in a toxic relationship and hoping to be free. I am glad I have this information.

    Its a god send

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks for stopping by, Cosetta, and I’m glad you found something useful here 🙂

  54. Cindy

    I FEEL CRAZY!!! I stop contact with my husband, MY N, I see ALL the signs, I read him all over these articles! I am torn between just giving in and getting away! We have been married almost 32 years. The stories are ALL the same! ALL Of them! He is a sad person, inside! He has a long, history of mental, emotional and physical abuse. He doesn’t understand, there IS something wrong with him! I knew he was bi-polar, took ME 10 yrs. to figure that one out! and never knew what Narcissistic really meant. He and I talked a few days ago. He told me how “Hot” I have always been to him, yadda, yadda! These guys are sick and twisted beyond any reason! He wanted to talk about sex and his job, Or the things I needed to do for “HIM.” Nothing about what I wanted or needed. Nothing about what would make ME HAPPY! Our kids are all grown now. Last one is fixing to start college. Do I “See” IF our relationship can get better? I read somewhere that if you’ve been married along time and your marriage is on the rocks, you should give it a year to try and repair it. I just don’t know what the “RIGHT” thing IS!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Cindy, that’s a hard decision to make. I do want to point out, though, that the “give it a year’ advice is usually based on a typical marriage where perhaps partners have grown apart, are frustrated and lonely, maybe there was some infidelity…I really don’t believe this particular piece of advice covers relationships with disordered people with NPD or BPD.

      Regarding your partner’s bi-polar, it’s just as difficult, if not more so, than being with a Narcissist. If your partner has shown you all this time that your needs are unimportant, and you have been unhappy, manipulated, put-down, etc. with no indication that things will change, my personal opinion is to at least begin exploring the option of separation/divorce. Only…in the case of disordered people, you’d have to implement full No Contact because otherwise you’d still be under the influence and unable to truly experience any sort of freedom or healing.

      Hope that helps.

    2. Sila

      I have been through same as you, married to same type for 36 years and kids are grown and married. I tolerated me went through revolving door over and over “for the kids sake” only to realize it messed them up too. Now with grandkids, I have realized and have decided to get a divorce. I finally after just looking this all up have realized I am not crazy! He is trying to make me think I am crazy and all these experiences from others have opened my eyes and enlightened me. it is so painful to feel so angry for allowing my life to have been wasted on him but I know I will leave and be happy finally. It is very hard and depressing but I can see why I could not understand it all- I was expecting the impossible. The emotional and all kinds of abuse have been unimaginable but I thank you for this overwhelming and powerful information. I know I will need counseling because I feel so damaged but strong at the same time. My children are very supportive and I choose to be a happy grandma to my grandchildren. I feel so scared at times that I will never be worthy of love which is what he has made me feel like, but alone is better than with Bad Company! I don’t care if I am broke or have to work till I am dead-can’t be as bad as how he makes me feel. You need to leave. Don’t give him one more year of your life! You will regret it!

  55. Anonymous

    I am so focused on hating my ex for what he has done to me, for all the abuse, lies and humiliation, that I can’t stop obsessing. I want him to try to contact me, just so I can choose not to answer. I want him to try and lure me back, just so he can get a taste of his own medicine this time around. Before knowing what he was, I decided I couldn’t put up with his behaviour anymore, and left him a letter telling him “I am tired of your God-complex and I don’t care how many people you know or if you’re the president of the country – you will never again tell me to shut up”. It pissed him off. A great deal. But he was smart. He pretended not to be too upset and waited for the moment to strike… He lured me back into his trap and made me think I had been crazy for writing those words. He even told me I had a bit of “Dr Jeckyll/ Mr Hide” inside – me! He totally messed up my brain (I still didn’t know about Ns) But he was willing to forgive my words… he was his old self. And I was still in love. He told me about his plans for our future together. He knew how badly I wanted a family, so he spoke a lot of marriage. I invested emotionally again. Until one day this woman calls me. She was engaged to be married to my narc. He gave her my number, must have told her I was some crazy ex stalker (I say this because when I met him he made me believe he had an ex stalking him) and I could hear him in the background barely containing his laughter while she was on the phone with me. So now I am obsessed with him, with thoughts of hurting him, filled with bitterness and negativity. He is not in my life anymore yet he is still ruining it! His laugh keeps coming back to my mind when I am trying to work, and more than once I’ve answered back rudely to some innocent colleague. I know I must let go, yet I feel so humiliated I can’t. I am more worried about getting back than I am about getting well. I know this means he wins because he is still the centre, my priority, not me. But it’s been many months now and every time I hear something about how happy he is I go back to square one. What can I do and when will this stop?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Anon, it’s normal to feel varying levels of anger and resentment. However, if it’s been months and you feel as angry as when the relationship first ended, you might want to consider seeing a therapist to help you through this phase.

      What he did to you was juvenile and you feel it took away your dignity. What’s helped me in the past is to write everything down in a letter, but don’t send it to your Ex. Bury it or place it into a rushing river. Guided meditations and EFT will also help greatly. You can find lots of those on YouTube. In the meantime, make an appointment with a counselor who can help you transmute and release the anger.

  56. imfree

    For all those people who are struggling with an abusive relationship, or have chosen to leave, or have been discarded. Sometimes it’s incredibly painful to find yourself again. I had a friend send me this song today. Sing this song to yourself 🙂 It’s never too late to make the make the right decision for you, to stay true to yourself, to stay strong, to love yourself… to find beauty in this life.

  57. Emily F

    Thank you for this… wish I had had access to this kind of information a few years ago. 5 years on and I am still recovering from the effects of one of one bad relationship. Must say, I am much happier these days. 🙂 It’s crazy when I think of those times… I cannot believe it was me!! bleh…

    1. Kim Saeed

      I can relate, Emily. I’m glad you’re happier these days.

      Have you ever done any work on healing your Inner Child? This is often very helpful for people who’ve been through emotionally abusive relationships…

  58. I learned the hard way that I had to cut off all contact with my verbally abusive, interfering ex. She almost torpedoed my new marriage. Finally my wife put her foot down. That put an end to the years-long split living arrangement for our teenage sons, which was the focal point of all the conflict. The older one is now away at college, and the younger one lives with us full-time, by his own choice. He makes his own arrangements to go visit his mother from time to time. I am enjoying the peace and quiet, and lack of drama.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Lee, I can totally relate. My Ex tried his best to do the same with my new marriage. So much so, that I was forced to get a restraining order.

      I am glad that things have settled down for you, and also that your children seem to be less influenced by your Ex due to college and the current living arrangement. I’m sure the peace and quiet is enjoyed by all 🙂

      1. Hi Kim,

        Thank you.

        Just to be fair, my ex is rather mild on the narc scale compared to what you and other DV survivors have experienced. Mostly, she was just brought up spoiled. Her parents never disciplined her. They imprinted upon her the idea that she was the golden girl who could do no wrong. Unfortunately, she never woke up to the fact that the world does not revolve around her, and that many of her words and actions do, in fact, hurt others deeply. I would be interested to know how many narcs are the result of parents who spoiled them and didn’t discipline them.

        Still, the basic narc patterns are the same, even if she was a relatively mild version. I was married to her for over twenty years. I had convinced myself that she was the one for me. I have only myself to blame for pursuing her and tying myself firmly to her. If she had not run off with someone else when my roaring midlife crisis hit, my world started falling apart, and our household income suffered as a result, I might never have disentangled myself from her. In a perverse way, her infidelity ultimately became a blessing to me–as destructive and painful as it was in itself–simply because it got her out of my life and forced me to let go of her in my mind and heart. At that point, the scales fell off my eyes. I realized with a jolt just how badly mistaken I had been all those years. Without justifying her years of verbal abuse and jerking me around or her eventual infidelity, I do take responsibility for my own part in that mess of a relationship.

        I did have to get my youngest away from her. The negative messages she was giving him about himself were causing him to start to get into trouble at school. In terms of personality, of my three children he’s probably the most like me. And since his mother couldn’t get at me anymore, she was projecting her anger and disrespect for me onto him. It was a long struggle to get him out of her house. That struggle was ultimately won by my son himself recognizing how his mother’s influence was affecting him, and making the choice to move in full-time with my wife and me when that choice was forced upon him by circumstances. By that time he was old enough, and firm enough about it in his own mind, that there wasn’t much his mother could do about it. I’d been working toward it for a year or two. My wife struck the final blow when she finally got so fed up with all of the interference from the other household that she threw down the gauntlet, forcing a change.

        It was not pleasant. But it was worth it. Now my son is doing well. He has a good, full, and productive life. He says he is the happiest he’s ever been.

        That’s a lot more than I intended to write. Thanks for listening. And for anyone who’s made it this far, it’s another story showing that it is worth the struggle!

      2. A P.S. to my last:
        I did have to threaten to get a restraining order before my ex and her husband finally left us alone. I was calm, and quite specific about the type of restraining order I would take out on them if there were one more incident of interference: a harassment prevention restraining order (in MA), which I had researched beforehand. I might have have had trouble actually getting one against them. I suspect the judge would not think it was serious enough, since there was no threat of bodily harm. It was mostly unwanted incursions into our yard to leave and take various things that she felt entitled to leave or take. However, the threat of a specific restraining order, backed with procedural details, seemed to have an effect on my ex and her husband–especially since I let them know that I was documenting their incidents of interference in our lives. (Yes, her boyfriend/husband actively participated in the interference.)

    2. Anonymous

      Is anyone afraid to post on this that the husband might realize that its the wife posting? Just asking. I want to say so much but am too afraid. I snuck out and went to a “safe place” 2 months ago.

      1. Kim Saeed

        Anon, if you have a shared computer, it’s possible. Narcs often place spyware on shared computers so they can check out their partner’s internet activity, but it sounds that you’re no longer in the home. If you’d like to reach out, you might consider setting up a new email account, using a friend’s computer or library computer, and emailing me at letmereach at yahoo dot com…To answer your question, you show up as anonymous here, and your internet address will not appear on the public page.

      2. Hi Anon,
        Kim already gave you a great, practical reply. In addition, I would simply say to use your own best judgment and understanding of the situation in deciding what to do. No one else is in your shoes. Though there are common patterns in the behavior of narcs and abusers, each situation is also unique. After you’ve lined up any help and gotten any advice you may need, the decision of how to proceed has to be your own based on your experience and knowledge of your particular situation. The more knowledge and power you take into your own hands, the more effectively you’ll be able to act in order to protect yourself and any others who may be affected. Just know that there are people rooting for you to achieve a safe exit so that you can move on with a new and better life!

  59. Julie

    Thank you for this article. I’ve been reading so much about it to keep my head on straight. I’ve known my husband for four years – been married only two. He is cheated on me repeatedly, including starting an affair a month after we married that I didn’t find out about until right before our wedding reception – we had eloped. I filed for divorce the next day but got talked right back into “starting over,” which meant moving me five hours away from my friends and family where I’m isolated. A leopard doesn’t change his spots. He left his email open and I found that he contacted a couple through craigslist personal ads. Swears he never went to meet them but why should I believe anything that man says? It’s pathetic that I had to put a parental filter on MY computer so he can’t sign up for dating sites. Every time I’ve confronted him about anything, he rages, throwing things and screaming in my face. Now, I’ve learned to just listen to his bullshit and nod my head and not confront him about anything because he twists it around to be my fault or denies it completely when it’s all there in black and white. He lies about everything. I am now making my plan carefully to get far, far away from him. I can’t believe when I look back at everything that I put up with all of this for so long. There were so many red flags at the beginning but like everyone, you want to believe that people are generally good and soulful. By the time I learned there was a name for this disorder, it was too late. I blamed myself for all of our failures. Thank you again for having this website. It really is a source of strength when I feel like I can’t do this, but all he’s ever done is ruin every holiday, birthday, special event because it takes the attention away from him. It’s sick. I can’t wait to be able to celebrate holidays “normally” again with my family and actually have money for MYSELF. He spends all of mine because he’s on disability when he really doesn’t need to be.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Julie, thank you for reaching out. I know how difficult it is for you right now because it seems our stories are very similar. My Ex always had a knack for ruining every single special occasion and vacations, too. Not only that, he called me a whore on the day of my dear grandmother’s funeral because I was wearing makeup. I’ve often wished I could go back and get revenge for things like that, but revenge would only bring me down to his level.

      I am glad to know you are planning your escape and also very happy to know my website has been helpful to you. Comments such as yours are what give me the fuel to keep going because my destiny is to help people who’ve gone through or going through the same abuse I endured. Raising awareness is so important.

      And yes, the holidays and occasions away from them are great, especially with the extra money 🙂 Please feel free to reach out at any time.

      1. Julie

        Hi Kim,
        Thanks for responding! Could you tell me what your final straw was and how you were finally able to break away? I know everyone’s different. I guess now that I’m more aware of all of the manipulative tools/tricks he uses, I’m not as easily softened. Thank you again for taking the time to write!

    2. Julie

      I agree with Kim that it is good news that you are planning your escape. Please keep two things in mind. It is important to a narcissist that they win. If they believe that the split was their idea, they will be happier letting you go.

      The second thing is that you can make the split “his idea” by determining your role in his life and stopping that function. i.e. if you keep house and make the meals. Do this less and less. (vs stopping suddenly because that will cause conflict). Or, if you praise him stop giving him positive feed back. If he picks a fight, see it for what it is and just let it slide off. This will mean that his needs are not being met and he will find someone else to meet them and leave you. Let him go…

      1. Julie

        Thank you so much, Wendy – Very, very helpful advice! I am scared. He’s a former marine and has never hit me but his yelling and temper scare me enough. My problem with him all the time is his crying – which I am very aware is a manipulative tool that he uses – emotional blackmail. Everything that has gone wrong in his life is his fault and he takes no accountability for any of it. I can’t save him and I’ve given him lots of tools to try to run his own business, etc., but all he wants to do is play Xbox all day. He’s only in his early ’40s and he acts like he’s retired. I know he’s tired of me pulling away from his affection/advances as well as not giving out money freely. He’s trying extra hard to be nice because he knows something is up. I am trying my best to pretend. Like someone said it’s almost like they have a sixth sense that you’re going to leave them. Thank you again for responding. Everyone’s comments are really inspiring. It helps to know I’m not alone!

        1. If you think that he might get violent. Ignore my suggestion and leave right away! Good Luck we’re all here if you need us.

  60. Pingback: Dear Kim…Why Can’t I Leave Him? | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  61. Pingback: How to Leave a Narcissistic Husband | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  62. beth

    Been with a N for 5yrs now. Once a fully self sufficient individual, now living a day to day nitemare. Many times I have made large moves to leave, only to finally give in to his calls and the cycle starts anew. My health physically and mentally deteriorating, I have another plan to escape. Fully determined to be the women I once was. I don’t deserve this madness. Amazing that my body doesn’t have the physical pain it does when we were together. For now I am no contact. Thank god for income tax. The day after it arrives I am putting 1200 miles (again) between us. The physical and mental abuse I have endured is frightening when I am able to actually place myself in another persons spot and look at what I have become. He trained me well to tippy toe around him. Nothing like trying to leave in front of him, ‘to show him ‘ only to be beaten so badly I couldn’t even get up off the floor for slipping in my own blood then him literally locking me inside the house with dead bolts and no way of escape even when he was gone. But I am so out of here now!

    1. Kim Saeed

      I know it’s hard when you realize the life you had planned with someone you loved comes crashing down. The things he did to you are the actions of a coward and a bully.

      It may be hard to believe, but when we’ve hit rock bottom…not only on the physical plane, but also on the soul plane, we almost always experience a transformation. You are at the beginning of a new life which includes spiritual growth and self-love. If you can embrace it, you will experience joy and happiness like you’ve never known. The first step is No Contact, which you’ve done. I’m also glad to know you will move away because that will likely prevent any chance of his coming back to turn on the charm. You will need to go through the stages of acceptance about what happened, but there is a gift in the curse.

      Hugs, Kim…

  63. Pingback: Accepting the Necessity to Detach | Kim Saeed's Let Me Reach

  64. The no contact rule is crucial. My ex-boyfriend is begging to have some face to face time but I have refused. I know he will just try to guilt me back into the relationship so that I can be his “nothing” again.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Gracielynne, I must have gone through that a few hundred times. No Contact is the only way because they know us inside and out and know exactly what to say so that we open the door wide to let them back in.

      1. Yea, the thing that really sickens me is that now he says He thinks that God is talking to him. He never heard from God when I was dating him and although I appreciate that he is asking forgiveness for how he treated me it isn’t God that wakes someone up at 3 am in the morning – that is the devil. I have spammed him though from my email and have returned some of his letters back to him and he doesn’t know my phone number. So I am putting up an immense obstacle in his way.

        1. Kim Saeed

          Believe it or not, my Ex said the same thing a few times along the way.

          You’re doing great! Never give up 🙂

          1. Thanks, it is sometimes hard because there was many good memories in the relationship just not enough to “give up everything to be his nothing.”

          2. Kim Saeed

            I know…I hear that a lot, and I also experienced it myself. I think it’s partly because they learn us so well and know exactly what to say and do to keep us hooked. But, when we really dissect the reality of it, the good to bad ratio is more like 1:10. For every good memory, there are 10 bad ones.

          3. No kidding. That may be why I have to dig so deep for the good memories. They are there though and I take comfort in that. 4.5 years is way too damn long to stay with someone who creates only bad memories. Although I will say that I was married for 12 to a man who was a master at forming horrible memories and he is still trying to do so in my life as my ex of 16 years. Damn him.

  65. I have really appreciated your two latest posts. The comment about a narcissist perfectly describes my two primary love relationships and also my relationship with my narcissistic mother.

    1. Kim Saeed

      It seems perhaps you are attracting them because you have a Narcissist as a mother…the reason for this vary, but when one has a narcissistic parent, they become so conditioned to being someone’s extension, they subconsciously put out vibes that attract more narcissists. Also, we sometimes tend to attract partners that remind us in some way of our parents. We have unresolved childhood issues that we want to resolve through the new partner, only it never works out that way.

      For myself, I had deep self-esteem issues to work through. That’s why I attracted and kept a Narc in my life for far too long…

      1. Yes, I can understand that. I am currently reading the book “Will I ever be good enough?” which is assisting me with my recovery from my mother.

  66. Pingback: When You Let the Narcissist Back Into Your Life | Kim Raya's Let Me Reach

  67. Pingback: Owning a Cat Can Help You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse | Kim Raya's Let Me Reach

  68. Adding to number 3. Your children not only can become hurt by the narcissist, they may believe that you are the one that is “wrong” and emulate the narcissistic behaviours. (unfortunately, I learned this one first hand).

    1. K.R.

      I can sadly testify that my narc husband is so completly deranged that he has actually envolved my son and daughter who were helping him sneak lovers into our family home, male and female, and more horrifying yet was catching him in sexual contact with both our children and it was clearly concentual.There is no greater betrayal than this, and its my fault for not divorcing him when I was 24. My son is definately his fathers creation, though I desperately hope my daughter has not turned into a narcissist and that when I get away from him she can tell me why and how he seduced her to his depravity. Cheating doesn’t come close to describing my spouses sexcapades. He used mobile and web “hook-up” sites. He was also screwing the neighbors on either side of our home… NOTHING and NO ONE is off limits or out of reach for them. He did these things with me in the very next room, while I has cooking, doing laundry, or just using the toilet… just that quick and easy. Just so you know, I was/am very attractive, was asked twice in my 20’s to pose for playboy and again @ 36 , after 4 children even and I still don’t look 40, so looks have no hold on narcs. Furthermore I have an extremely high sexdrive, I’d like it 3 times a day, so he’s had sex almost everyday of our 20 yrs together, including other female friends… so he can’t claim he’s ever been deprived. It breaks my heart to the core of my soul when he looks in my eyes and says “I love U!” B/c depsite all the evil things he’s done, even breaking my bones… he’s still so handsome, that I don’t want to see the cruel brutal beast he is. I am going completely off grid and moving out of state asap and I won’t ever look back!

      1. K.R. I’m so sorry that you have experienced this. Run, run away as fast as you can. My heart goes out to you.

    2. diana71111

      Mine do. they think he is right, and I am all messed up. I look it, I seem so emotion, and afraid, stressed.. of-course they believe it is me that has the problem. and in a way, it is. the problem is how to get away. Then rebuild my emotions. If I can.

      1. I have just found out after 47yrs togeather we met at 15 and are now 62 that my husband has been leading a double life with another woman for 30yrs I’m in a terrible state of shock and he is still saying it is not true the violence and abuse when I confronted him was un believable he even locked all the doors and took the keys and the car key but when he was asleep I used my spare keys which he did not know about to escape at 5am I travelled 300 miles to my daughters I am panicking and can’t get the thought of him and this woman out of my head our whole life has been a sham I really don’t know how ir if I will get over this hurt

  69. navigator1965

    Wise and candid advice. It actually hurt a little bit to read this, as I sensed some pain coming from you. Hopefully I was imagining it.

    1. Kim Raya

      That’s very kind of you…I moved past the pain a while ago, but I have some readers, as well as a good friend, who are engaged their own battles with Narcissistic partners. Although, I may still harbor some resentment for the lost years…

      It’s my hope that by throwing out these scenarios, most of which I endured, it will help others snap out of the trance and make the courageous decision to just leave.

      Always nice to hear from you.

      1. navigator1965

        It is very much a mutual pleasure. Let’s be certain to stay in touch.

      2. Anonymous

        Thank you for you information. I recently found out what I’m dealing with. If I could only get past the intense pain. He left yesterday. I feel like I can’t breathe and I want to throw up.

        1. Kim Saeed


          I can relate to that feeling. If you haven’t already, you may want to consider some of the healing tools and meditations I have here on the site. I’d recommend starting with the meditations, especially the ones on self-esteem and releasing attachments.

          Wishing you the best <3

    2. Kristi

      Hi navigator 1965. This is all very true and I have felt this way before. I once wrote and taped to a bedroom wall about if I don’t leave I will end up dead. I sensed this. Of course the undue stress of it all makes sense too. This is no way to live at all. I didn’t know any better for a while until I started codependence anonymous. I still am not sure if he literally has NPD, but I do know he has BPD and shows his angry side 95% of the time. I mean it has been severe. I asked him all of the time if he had a conscience because of the way he has been and didn’t seem sorry at all or like it bothered him. His isn’t to the point of making sure there isn’t a hair out of place or vain. It goes deeper than that. All of his anger is my fault. He has belittled me, thrown chairs, threatened to punch me threw things at me and etc. He has emotional abused me, bullies me, intimidates me and he still does all of this even when I’m sick and I need his help. It’s awful. I am scared to death of having this mess too. I don’t want to be that way. On another page when you said that only a shell of what I used to be will be left of me is so true. I have lost myself and don’t know how to get me back. I filed for a divorce after 5 years of marriage and am going to get a place soon. It feels good to finally have some freedom. He displayed this NPD and it makes sense to me that he would have it, but I don’t like to diagnose anyone because I’m not in this field. I just know that you can’t change these people. I’ve asked him to but he doesn’t want to and he thinks he is justified. He even punishes me when I get angry. I yell, yes but he goes off the chain in an extreme violent rage that is so not normal. I tried, I gave it my all. There is nothing left. Nothing here anyway. I’m so ready to move forward and I hope I can find support, and new friends. Thanks.

    3. Margaret

      Am living with a narcisst. we have 3 little kids and I want to leave but its not easy.

      1. Kim Saeed

        You’re absolutely right…it’s not easy. But, I hope somehow you might find a way. Typically, when children grow up with a Narcissistic parent, they will either become Narcissists themselves, or codependent.

        Best wishes for you and your children.

    4. Marion

      How does one simultaneously quit the literal drug they’re addicted to, while running like hell from the messed up addiction to a relationship with a Narc?

      My God. It’s like, now I know why I have been so doggedly self-medicating all this time!

      I feel utterly hopeless. I -don’t- have the strength, you guys!

      1. becky716

        Hi Marion,

        You DO have the strength. I felt the same way you did in July. After a tumultuous 10-year marriage (he stalked me as a brand new widow back then), I found he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. I left. He then took the affair to the next level (kissing and some physical contact is what he finally admitted to – she’s married with children). He has tried to get me back ever since. I didn’t think I had the strength to file for divorce but I did. I SOBBED through it but I did it and I will tell you I felt a sense of relief after having done it. I have been on a bit of a roller coaster since but filing gave ME power back. I got a job that I love and am slowly rebuilding my life.

        I am so grateful for sites like this that make me understand what I’ve been dealing with all this time. As it stated here, I bear no resemblance to the strong, confident woman I used to be. But I am slowly regaining that confidence. Surround yourself with people who know and love you for you and who, most importantly, have your back. My N husband has NEVER had mine.

        I just keep thinking about all the horrible things he says about me to myself and others and think, “Do I really want that in my life? Is that how I want to be treated by my husband?” The answer is No.

        Also, the years of his becoming enraged at me over ANYTHING and leaving and coming back when he felt like it. And I was always so forgiving because I wanted our life to be what I thought it could be not what it actually was.

        It’s not easy but I feel free to watch TV – which he hated and berated me for it, listen to music – not just the insipid jazz he liked, and just live my life (not being held in silence for hours because it comforted him). It’s pretty sick when you take an objective look back.

        I have left before but this is the first time I really feel the resolve necessary to leave for good. I wish you luck and the strength to do what you need to do for you.

      2. someone

        My husband controls me, he keeps my children and I stuck in our home without seeing or talking to no one. I’m not allowed to talk to any of my family, but my mom and when I do it always comes to a Hugh fight. I have no contact with friends or family b/c I see its not worth the pain & fighting and I don’t want my children to hear the fighting. I don’t stand up for what I want b/c don’t won’t to deal with the hurt or pain of fighting or the though of I might lose him. I don’t won’t to see my kids without there dad in there life or for them to hate me for leaving him. But I see that I’m in a bad marriage, but can’t seem to find away out or ready to get out. I’m not allow to were make-up or certain clothes. He checks everything I do or who I talk to. I see myself hafting to lie behind his back to not cause problems. I can not drive or work. I can not ask my family to take my kids or I to the hospital it has to be someone in his family or him. I can’t talk to Dr. Without him butting in. I don’t get no help with are kids, he provides for them and all, but does not take care of them like change, feed or things as such as that.I can’t leave my house unless its with him or his parents. I know that its not a good relationship so many people has told me to get out that I’m a lost cause. Talk bad about him, but I seem to not care what others say,even though I know there right. He isn’t always that way he says he loves me and we have are good times, but he never seems to listen to me its always his way or Noway…he does have a bad attidue. He tells me if I don’t like it to leave, but I’m scared to leave I scared to lose him, even though sometimes I think that might be best. I dont know am I a lost cause, will I put up with what he does forever, just b/c I think he change or hope he will. I’m 24 I got my whole life ahead of me, but am I going to let it slip by b/c I am hoping someone real does love me and will change to a better person. What do I do I’m lost confused, scared, unsure.

    5. To late

      Im 29 now, my ex narc left us ( 2 children )
      Ive lost myself.

      1. lOVE MY LIFE


      1. Jewels

        Nice video, but the next one in my case she’s a narc too ! I know the bitch personally.

    6. Carole

      I agree it really hurt, but its the truth. I am now homeless living in a Women’s Refuge, not in contact with my Mum and Dad, my son and i are starting to build our relationship again, talk about soul destroying, but trying to think that its better to have loved and lost than to live with a Narcissist for the rest of your life.

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