After the Discard: The Other Woman

Being discarded by a Narcissist is one of the most painful experiences victims endure…well, after the heart-wrenching devalue phase.  It’s like icing on an insidious, poisonous cake for which only Narcissists hold the recipe.

The Discard

After being discarded, you believe it’s your fault.  You obsess over whether you could have done things differently.  You languish over your abuser, brooding over whether there’s a chance to win him back and prove your worth.

That’s precisely what he wants.

You see, while he was preening the new supply behind your back, he was busy telling you (and everyone within a 50-mile radius) everything that’s wrong with you and your place in the demise of the relationship.  He wants you to believe you are the one who drove him into the arms of another woman.  And that’s what victims believe.  Every time.

Narcissists need you to think the problems in the relationship are solely your fault, and it’s no different during the break up.  Remember how he became particularly nasty at the end, leaving you in a heaping mess on the floor in the fetal position?  That was to guarantee he held no accountability while making arrangements to move in with the new supply.  Meanwhile you take the burden of the situation on your shoulders.

As painful as it is, there is a blueprint for what happened.  Your abuser brainwashed you from the beginning.  He hooked you in by sweeping you off your feet.  Once you were completely under his spell, he began to chip away at your confidence, independence, and self-image.  He masterminded a way to make you completely dependent upon his approval while destroying any support you had on the outside.

And since the relationship was doomed from the start, it was crucial for him to make you believe it was your fault when the relationship came to an end.

The New Woman

After being unceremoniously kicked to the curb, you discover your partner is living a magical fairy tale with an attractive, happy-go-lucky new partner.

Appearances can be deceiving.

You might think she’s prettier, or has a better body.   It’s tortuous, especially after being conditioned by your abuser to think you’re worthless and unattractive.  That he has a new partner in less than a week only intensifies these feelings.  But it has nothing to do with the new woman.  And it has nothing to do with you.  It’s all about him and the fact that he’s a predatory manipulator.

He didn’t choose her because of her looks, nor because of “love”.  He chose her because he cannot survive alone, and she was the first one to fit the bill of new supply.  While he was in the final phase of discarding you, he was conditioning her.  Any observations you make regarding her looks, body, car, etc., are coincidental.  Remember, he doesn’t see what you see when you look at her.  The only thing he sees is MEAL TICKET.

Think of it this way.  If you go to a nice buffet dinner, you expect a variety of choice that includes several items you prefer.  You’re not going to choose the dried out, discolored dish on the left that everyone keeps passing over.  You are going to pick the steaming, fresh dish that not only tastes good, but will be available in ample supply until you’re full.

That’s the mindset of the Narcissist when he chooses his new target.  Just as you eventually tire of the buffet and decide you’ve had enough, the Narcissist will do the same with his new supply because either he gets bored, or the dish is no longer the same because some of the ingredients are missing. Consequently, he will eventually devalue and discard her, too.

If you’ve been discarded, you should use it to your advantage and ensure he can’t get you back under his spell.  Many individuals in this position allow the Narcissist back in and end up being the “Other Woman”.  Yep, regardless of the fact he has a new girl in his life, these predators usually keep their former partners as side-supply because they get bored at some point.  Don’t allow him to use you this way.  He made the choice to leave you.  Don’t give him the chance to have his cake and eat it, too.

I would love to hear your comments about this post, and I would also appreciate it very much if you pass this information on to help spread awareness.

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  1. Cindy

    I am currently going through this. I left my ex-narcissit before he could discard me because I saw it coming. I also saw him grooming his now girlfriend for a couple of months prior, hence, why we argued like animals the last three months of our relationship. He cheated me another time a couple of years prior and I took him back. Since I’ve left him I found out about the other women he flirted with while he was with me. Logically I know he’s trash and I’m better off. Mind you this is all still fresh for me that’s why it’s hard to see that he will do this to her. They are actually good for each other. They do have a lot of the same things in common including their lack of empathy. She is nothing like me and I mean nothing. We are complete opposites that’s why I think it will work for him this time. I struggle with not wishing them unhappiness because I know I’m really putting that energy onto me not them. I want to wish them well, feel indifference and move on and be happy and successful by my own definition. It’s just hard ☹

  2. lissa

    something very funny and disturbing as happened to me two days ago, my bf of three years has been in another relationhip with a woman in london for over a year. in his quest to try and make me believe he is not with her anymore he let me message her and made things worse because the woman called me and we both came to find out what game he was playing us. he has been furious with me and insulted me and lashed out that he doesnt want to be with me anymore because he got exposed to his london lady. what exactly will be going on in his mind?do you think he will come back?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Lissa,

      I would not recommend continuing a relationship with him. I cannot say for sure if he will come back, but he’s already proven himself to be a liar, cheater, and emotionally abusive. Of course he is angry, because he’s no longer able to have his cake and eat it, too.

      If you are interested in sealing him out of your life, then you should change your cell phone number, your email address, and block him from your social media accounts.


  3. Mariana

    I wish I had read this a couple of years ago… when I first saw an awkwar behavior with a specific girl on facebook, i asked him who she was or what was the story there… he somehow knew i was suspicious and made me wait two hours until he could finally “gave me his precious time” to talk, then I aked, And his response was “really that was what you wanted to ask me?? you should be worried about what happens inside of me, not around me” because he was destroyed by his ex who left him and sent him the divorce papers… yes now i get the whole picture…He trained me to be alert of facebook to get to know where he was or what was he doing, i never understood why he got so upset if i sent him a whatsapp saying hi and didnt know he was in a meeting busy… now i know that he wanted me to be there all the time and actually see all the other possible supplies , so i would either loose my head and give him a reason to leave me or avoid that step and i would eventually leave him and him again be the victim. I even remember he even asked me once “don’t you ever get tired??” And i was like “about what?” pff I feel so stupid. He is the devil himself..
    Thank you so much Kim for being a light in my path <3

    1. Kim Saeed

      I’m so happy to know my articles help you, Mariana. What you’ve just described is painfully common. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I can relate to how you feel. I think many of us experience some version of this. It’s all to create suspicion and insecurity so they can call us crazy and insecure, which eventually enhances the trauma bond. Crazy stuff, but true.

      Glad you’re out and hope you’re healing 🙂


      1. Mariana

        I am definitely out and healing, although life throws at me little exams almost every day, like last week that I unfortunately saw a picture of him at the gym on Instagram, where another girl (different from the one described above) wrote: “you are always so handsome my love!” … I lost my mind and felt as if I went back to step 1 in a second crying like a baby. Because back in september he denied and swore on his life that there was nothing going on with her, when I saw a message from her on his mobile, and then again in december (christmas day actually). He denied it again, saying she was looking after him, that he didn’t give a damn for her, and tried to change the topic attacking me saying that “he didn’t doubt that i could have other options too, but that I had no idea of how many girls were after him while I was doing a coaching program, and that if he couldn’t be fully opened with me that I was a blessing in his life, how could I think that he could be with that silly immature girl chasing him, or with anyone else…” He screwed my christmas, probably forever… And although I know he is not my curse anymore and that eventually he will bust her as he does with every human in his life, it still hurts. The positive thing I got from last week is that I can still feel and care, I am an empath and I care about life, I am alive! And btw I already blocked him from all the places I forgot I had him as a contact. It was hard, but is done now.

        Is it normal to wish him the worse things in life???
        I can’t imagine where I would be now without your work and great help, really…

  4. Every word is true I sit here trying to regain myself but I lived throw everything say over and over again knowing that it will always be that way. The biggest thing to get threw is self forgiveness the hardest to do I am still trying before he calls again, wasted the best years of my life for nothing. The worse part is wanting to forget and living threw every mistake every minute of everyday for the rest of what I now call a life.
    What you get is broken dreams, broken promises, and their broken word. don’t believe a word that comes from their mouths not a word is ever true.

  5. Freeya

    You know after the complete realization that I was dealing with a Narc, I recall my grandmother telling me after meeting him. That’s a dangerous man he is going to ruin you! and the rest is history!
    Wow…I have been on Quora for about three months now and it helps me cope with the truth for Im still under his spell however I followed the link over to this blog and Im very Grateful, for it provides next steps where as stated some blogs or resources can be very misleading.
    My Narc is half my age and we have two son 7&1 he exited a divorce into our world of CHAOS.
    however it amazes me and further warns me that I better take heed, because his ex-wife of 12 years who remarried 6 months after divorcing him still aids him and is his side supply and when I found out I was SHOCKED! surprised at how she could be so stupid, but now with better understanding of his possession over her that Im heading for deep sea death by emotional murder. You name I have gone through it with this man he is 56, and I 31. Im at a choice point and I ask for an universal prayer that Im one protected that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Two that I no longer act on impulse but action and to develop that plan B in to taking steps to secure myself and family. I have been through hell, I lost my faith and my mind I did a lot of work to be able to deliver this message, meaning spiritual work and reflection I believed in going to war for this man at all cost even my my children at times. I trust in the higher power but one thing is true and for certain there is not real pivotal moment for a Narc.
    I have afflicted as much pain on him as he has on me but one day I said to myself Freeya if you kill this man he still wins for he will still have power and control over your mind even in his death, that’s when I knew this wasn’t a war that could ever be won nor should it be fought and that mindset didn’t change over night, but it made me more cautious and aware of my reactions. I tell myself that if I didn’t have children I would go down in history fighting for a love that didn’t truly exist. Because the feeling is that Id never give up on this idea of Love with this man, however I do have 3 remarkable sons and I want to enjoy the blessings they are and gifts they all came bearing.
    So at this choice point I choose me! I threw all his every item that he owned in this house into the back woods after the last betrayal which is why I’m taking the time to write this entry because, I’m better informed and prepared this time to take the high road and stop this non-sense. I get it and it took a resurrection of my brain to accept it but I did that too.
    I wish to be Free so then Im Free…
    Thank you so very kindly for Reaching me on this day I followed a trail to get to this moment, and the sense is that I have arrived to a place where Im OK. and just OK.
    For the record for any woman that just so happen to read this and know somebody who know my Narc newest and or old/current supply Beware of Keith Moore he is armed and dangerous with a quick ruin of supply for myself and his ex-wife have been good ol faithful for years now competing for a Love that is no where for a friend that is unreliable and an enemy that is for ever present. I apologize for the hurt and shame I may have caused her by way of participation but I really hope she does the work to Free herself as well. Prayers go up Blessings come down.

  6. Joyce bledsoe

    Does the abuse affect the short term memory, I was married to a narcissist for 22 years recently divorced he discarded me a year ago and my short-term memory is just terrible is this one of the side effects thank you.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Joyce,

      Yes, long-term narcissistic abuse can and does cause cognitive decline in some people. I’ve worked with academics who can no longer read books because of the damage done to their brains due to chronic emotional abuse. I’ve written about this a few times on the blog.

      The good news is, some or most of it can be corrected due to something called neuroplasticity.

      Wishing you the best!


  7. Carol

    Yes it is Elizabeth it’s like your heart is ripped out but I’m now 16 months FREE and each day gets a teeny bit better!

  8. Carol

    I so agree my dear I put up with my Narc for 5 more agonizing years after he really started the silent treatment. I couldn’t figure out why he was so cold to me in the bedroom, I tacked it up to age, as I was in menopause but that simply wasn’t the case. Then one day he just decided to discard me after 24 years together, it was brutal but I’m determined I’m moving on and I’m better for it!?

  9. Carol

    Omg I’m so sorry that is horrible I thought my situation was bad but he never hit me I think he was always afraid of leaving bruises. These types of men are psychopaths.

  10. My Narc was sleeping with his daughter’s mother. But this wasn’t his first time cheating. When I found the last one it was worse than the other times. I had my suspicions, but he would just say I was delusional and jealous and there was nothing going on between them. Then the proof smacked me in the face. There were the messages between them. So I confronted him (again) but this time he punched me in the face and threw me down some stairs. This all happened in front of the daughter (6 years old by the way) I had him arrested, changed the locks, and changed my phone number. Then I immediately found out he moved in with her when he was released from jail. He plead guilty, but got a year probation. This whole situation devastated me, hell I’m still devastated. The just happened in March. I’m in therapy and I try to keep my mind occupied. It’s hard. I still think about him a lot.

  11. Anonymous

    You’re never too old to start over. You’re breathing, you have LIFE, and every day is a new beginning.

    Carol, I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. My heart goes out to you ❤️

    So glad I found this site. From my own experience, coming out of a 3-1/2-year relationship with the classic narc, they love the silent treatment, they are notorious for belittling you, and after a fight with no contact from them, their modus operandi is to contact you again like nothing ever happened. If you try to bring it up with them and say that “we need to talk things through,” they’ll put the “talk” off and say they had a bad day or “now isn’t a good time to discuss it.”

    I am so glad I’m finally free of my emotional abuse. I can’t believe I let that man steal so many years of my life.

    Ladies who are struggling with leaving, you CAN do it! You are extremely precious and lovely human beings. Evil is attracted to a flame just like a moth, but what you are experiencing is that flame action in slow, excruciating motion. Let your light/flame continue to shine, and don’t let them extinguish it.

  12. Carol

    Kari please don’t think like that i have started dating again at age: 50 and there are some terrific men out there that do love andcare. Just because we ran into ONE stupid Narc doesn’t mean we are doomed!

  13. Carol

    Agreed I just turned 50 and we were 10 years from retirement it’s all GONE! Financial and emotional mess!

  14. Carol

    Agreed Kim he’s a Narc. Mine didn’t start to show the real red flags until about 5 years ago. Our sex life was non existent and I tried to work with him on repairing the damage but he wasn’t interested. I noticed he was constantly hiding texts, 53 year old man it was like a teenager in heat. Then my daughter got on his cell one evening and confirmed everything!

  15. Carol

    Omg 6 hookers??? These types of men are insane I know mine had a terrible childhood his mother is a TOXIC Narc also but I didn’t know when I married him! My dad warned me something was amiss but did I listen? Nope

  16. Carol

    Yes he’s a Narc and so not fall for that bullshit. A man who cares and loves you is not sneaking around

  17. Nicci

    This has literally just happened to me. I had enough, told him over the phone I was ending it. At first he seemed angry (I could hear it in his voice) then he said “No your right”. I had caught him with another woman so I was not going to beg for him back.
    He returned overseas, so I came home to pack my stuff and discovered her hair in our bed and in the bathroom, wine glasses in the dishwasher, But he obviously used a different credit card to purchase the alcohol. Why some deception and leaving me to find obvious clues?
    II had just spoken to him before he boarded his flight and he said he was not interested in a serious relationship yet she has flown interstate to our home twice now (that I know of).

  18. Gina

    My husband walked out after 25+ years marriage, miffed that his birthday wasn’t celebrated with enough fanfare. Of course, the problems ran much deeper than that, or I wouldn’t be commenting here! He had threatened to leave for years, and that was the excuse he chose to give. He didn’t find the other woman for a while, though I know he had chased plenty of women throughout our marriage, it just took a while to settle on the one who would back him up in his determination to destroy me and my reputation and willing to work also on trying to turn the children against me (hasn’t worked so far). She is as narcissistic as him (incredible, I know), and now they report her as saying most of the nasty things about me, and only once in a while him (when she happens to not be around he has to do his own dirty work). They had lived in the same house for a long time, putting on a show of living in separate rooms (both claim to be religious) when the children are there on visitation. The divorce is slow in being finalized (he refused to sign papers for months) which he blames on me (as he does everything), so I guess they got impatient and the story is went a got married out of country so they can now “legitimately” sleep in the same room when they children are there, not that they didn’t before when the children weren’t visiting. Of course, that makes him a bigamist, and the second marriage is considered void, but in their warped thinking it works. The police can’t do anything because I have no paperwork, and because we are getting divorced anyways, don’t think it would be worth their time even if I did have proof of the second marriage. The children don’t understand how someone can break the law and get away with it, and that frustrates me, too. And don’t get me started on how he can win over church, friends, the court. It feels like the narcissist can get away with anything. Anyone else have their ex do this?

  19. Carol

    Rosie NO please don’t give up you are a beautiful woman don’t let that loser destroy you rise above him and show him your the better person

  20. Carol

    Agreed Elizabeth it’s brutal especially with children involved but I like and respect myself and I will be damned if I’m putting up with a cheater!

  21. Carol

    Yup I know exactly I took the SOB out for a 50th B day dinner and he never even thanked me. We were always taught by mom to thank for any gifts big or small. Then when we got back to the house he had this attitude I was angry as well as I had already been through one affair with him and we had tried to move forward. I said to him I will no longer tolerate anymore cheating in this marriage I have been faithful 24 years. After I gave him that ultimatum all hell broke loose. The mask came off, the devaluing and full on nasty discard! Like our marriage never existed!

  22. Carol

    I know exactly how you feel it’s horrible. I’m divorced now one year and getting my life back slowly. My ex husband was a malignant Narc, lies constantly, his on his cell phone! I would hear the texts coming through between 1:00 and 3:00 am and ask him to please tell his work buddies that’s too late for texting. Well did I get a surprise when my daughter got on his phone one evening after dinner and reported to me, mom he’s not texting other guys!?

  23. I’ve been dating this guy for three years. He has always told me he doesn’t want to commit yet, I wasn’t able to see other people. After two years, he told me he wanted to be committed. after two months, HIS OWN SON told me that he has been lying to me and cheating on me. He continues to lie about where he is and tells me I’m exhausting and like a stale marriage when I question him. He went back to I love you so much BUT….. I want my freedom. If you just let me do what I want, I’ll always come back to you. I have never been so disgusted and hurt. So, I think he is a narc. Do you? I know in any case, I need to do NO CONTACT. Again, his own son told me block him and that I deserve better. I feel like a fool.

  24. cadavera

    I was in an off and on again relationship with a narc for 15 years. Finally figured out what he was. I have a friend who became a FWB recently and I’ve questioned whether or not he’s diagnosable NPD or just ha some traits since he’s not mean or cruel, unless pushed by me. I have BPD and I know we’re attractive to these types and vice versa. He has a gf and has said a few things that reminded me of my ex narc. We’re no longer FWB and still talking but I think he’s grooming a new source of supply. I reminded him of his gf since he said he started feeling guilty about sleeping with me. I knew it was temporary anyway although I wanted to be the one to end it just to prove to myself that I could but he beat me to it. Anyway, he tells me that he was invited to a St Paddy’s Day party by a woman who is interested in him but he’s not interested in back. I find that he’s interested in every woman though or so it seems and I don’t know if he’s a sex addict like he claims, serial dater, or narc. I decided to cut contact way down because why do I need someone like him in my life? He doesn’t fit the criteria completely and I certainly don’t want to assign that label if I’m wrong. I know I have some narc traits too so I don’t know if I’m just expecting everyone whom I’m attracted to to be one.

  25. Carol

    Don’t feel foolish I also reacted badly at first but I have learned from my mistakes. The psychopath moved his new supply into my home a week after my discard she knew he was married that just encouraged her more. Complete SLUT off a dating site! They are nothing more than supply to be used as you were until they are tired of his bullshit!

    1. Stephanie

      I’m so sorry. I just filed 3-27 and he lived at Motel6 where they had their rendezvous for almost 2 weeks before he got an apartment. I was smart enough to take him off credit the day I found her phone number, remove him from car titles, removed half our money out all the accounts a few days before I filed, and made sure I filed so that he had to leave the house, pay the bills, and not have anyone around our 1 year old. I’m 43 and the girl was 29, married with 2 kids, bipolar, and convicted of domestic assault although she always said it was her husband. I am resolute that girl not be around my child. He’s fighting me as in their 80 plus emails that they planned on being together which I not only found but turned into a PDF and shared. I just forced their hand. I sent the emails to her husband and ended up paying for his attorney to get the goods on her. I am TERRIFIED that the bitch not only gets my husband but will have my child too. She can keep his dumb ass. She’s after his money. I’m ex wife#3 he’s done this to. #1 has his other 2 kids and he set up a notary account in her name to forge #2’s signature on their divorce papers (she’s out of the country). If it comes down to that girl being able to see the kids, we are putting him in jail for the felony of that plus #2 has insurance fraud (multiple). All that is great for revenge and keeping the kids safe from a psycho but now I’m dealing with the fact that he not only cheated a second time but has now admitted to 6 hookers and is “So in love” with this girl. I am having a hard time realizing the last 5 years of my life was a lie and I am going to have to raise a baby with him for another 17 years when my other two kids are 22 and 19 and he’s the one who convinced me to have the baby after finding out I was pregnant. I hate him more than I can say and I can’t wait for her psycho ass to break a beer bottle over his head like she did her husband. She is pure trash and an actual child of a hooker. DISGUSTING!!

  26. Debbie

    I am aware that he had narc tendencies. My ex husband was a narc and I have done a complete study on the disorder for years. Nothing with him ever completely surprized me til now
    He left me for someone else but we weren’t haven’t any problems but he did say one thing to me before he left. He is southern. I am from NY. He made a general remark about NY, it was mean and he said it like everyone around him confirms it. It became personal. He lied about how he was leaving too. Until I realized it was a lie. I’m hurt as if someone broke up with me but I’m not in the floor in a pile of ash. I could be but illl be ok.
    Great article. I should have heeded my own advice and left st the first sign. Debbie

  27. Carol

    My Narc is malignant and the discard brutal it nearly destroyed me but now a year later I love my kids so much I fight tooth and nail everyday. He moved into my house with the new woman and changed all the door locks a week after my discard!

  28. what if ur not sire he had new supply but 99% think so not sure he delibereltyl drove u away or just focused on “new one” i reacted violently screaming im leaving at 4 am he got griossed out said go leave never come back no sex b4 like ur gone already except responds kiss hugs nite butcbecame abusive when u were unhappy or questioned u exploded he said “ ur idea to leave so its your idea” now how do u no contact if u didnt leave early to do NO contact all this would of been avoided NO recovery i looked like fool and said i luved u and u act like ur seeinn someone … i feel foolish causexno validation.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Rose,

      This all sounds suspiciously narcissistic. This relationship is obviously very toxic for you. Hope you can find a way to leave.

      Kim XoXo

  29. Kari Crowe

    My narc process was not exactly the same…And I would like to see more written on this. My x narc was smart, clever. Mine never really discarded or got nasty. He just kept on cheating and finding new supply. He basically had a group of women…5-6 that he circulated through, but two of us were the primary because we lived closer to him….depending upon where he traveled. It all worked in harmony for him, until the most inquisitive and suspecting girlfriend (me) started investigating. When I found out about all of the affairs, he definitely tried to hurt my reputation and point the finger at me. But he never discarded or was mean outwardly. He wanted to keep us all. The story is still the same…we were all a meal ticket. He has no emotion, but he had us all believing that we were so special to him. But one of the reasons we stayed with him so long was because the good times were fun and he never was mean or abusive….he was just a liar. I would like to see more articles on this type of predator, because they are almost worse, because they are successful in business, look great, bestow gifts, and are not mean.

    1. Carol

      Mine is HORRENDOUS, nasty, vindictive, down right cruel and uses our kids as a weapon.

    2. Anoynomus

      Does his name start with a “S”? Charming, but a liar. Helpful, kind, thoughtful, but a liar and a cheater. Predator 100%.

    3. Becca

      OMG! Kari!!! This is my Ex Narc! I struggle with thinking because he is not mean and abusive he is not a narc. He keeps all his “girls” and “loves” all of them.

  30. winky

    I’m so happy I found this blog. My husband, age 76, left me after 23 years of marriage, saying he hadn’t been happy for 10 years and wanted to “be alone”. He left, moved all of his belongings into what he called “storage” (later found it was girlfriend’s house), and traveled around the world with her leaving me a helpless mess for 3 months at age 65. He came back for a month, went to marriage therapy and workshop, then left me again for his girlfriend’s home down the street. It’s been devastating to say the least, both emotionally and financially. His girlfriend is an obsessive facebooker, complete with her “model-like” posing and also severely bulimic (know this from her ex-husband), but also has lots of money — she seems the narcissist herself and is obsessed that he will return to me. My husband still says he thinks of me every day and thinks about returning; then when I write him an email his girlfriend reads it and gets upset. The only remedy is no contact since he will try to hug and kiss me if I see him. Who knew life could be this devastating at such a late age? Just a warning to all of you out there in a pretend relationship — get out since it’s not real at all. Narcissists will say and do anything to keep their image intact; it is evil incarnate what they do to those they pretend to love.

    1. Kari Crowe

      In response, I am so sorry about your asshole husband. You said something that really resonates. WHy do people act so careless and heartless at a time in our lives when we are supposed to really be caring for each other as we age. I never married and it could be a blessing, but the thought of entering my 60’s in the dating pool is so bleak. Seems like men at this age have way more issues…way more narcs….and its depressing. If love is going to find me…it will, but I am not going out of my way because it seems like men over 50 are a bunch of assholes.

      1. Rosie

        Kari Crowe – I know how you feel! I am 58, never married, and after the toxic relationship with the ex have no energy or hope for ever finding love. I have given up, and I know that’s not good, but would rather be by myself than with the wrong person. I never thought my life would turn out like it has, but at least we are free from the ex. .

    2. Alexandra

      That is so unfair to happen at your stage of life. I’m 62 and currently in a ‘relationship’ with a narc. I hope you come out the other side with hope for the future. So even at 76 men are misbehaving. I thought my ex was bad at 65.

  31. Anonymous

    That’s exactly what I did; after 5 1/2 years came the discard, then he came back two months later and I believed he still loved me. He kept telling me she meant nothing and he was going to leave her so we could be together again. He was seeing both of us; I didn’t know of course and eventually we got caught. He asked me to lie for him to her saying we were just friends; I ended it with a letter to her telling her the truth and 6 weeks later he married her. So I’m still picking up the pieces of his destruction and hoping for a brighter, true, and mutually loving future relationship.

  32. Sad Lady

    I cannot believe how well this describes someone who is in my life!! He was my boss at work. He made it his business to find out all about my personal life – and when he found out it was less than perfect – I have been in a relationship with a man who is married to and living with his wife for 25 years and who has been promising to leave her for me all this time – she is also in a relationship with someone else – he (my boss) pretended to be all concerned and supportive – professing serious dislike for my partner and telling me I deserved so much better. He then proceeded to bombard me with texts, including a nude photo – and then left. 4 days later, he turned up at a meeting, even though he had officially ‘left’ and followed me home – and we ended up in bed. I really, really, really thought that he loved me – and was the ‘better’ that I deserved. Not so! After the initial sex, he gave me the cold treatment – he did not contact me – and the first time I saw him in a meeting after that, he ensured that he arrived late and left early to avoid me. This was a side to him that I had not experienced before. I felt really, really hurt – devastated in fact, that I had stayed waiting and faithful to my partner for over 20 years – and had thrown it all away. He (the Narc ex-boss) began to message me again and arranged to meet up – so I thought there was still hope. I realised also that he was sexually violent – he would text me late at night with the most unnerving fantasies of strangulation and drowning – and would always hold me to the wall by my throat during sex, pull me to the ground by my hair and hit me. He was in a relationship with someone during this time – but often complained that she did not trust him, was too clingy etc. and that he spent times during their relationship when he never said anything. I never dared to contact him – and was always grateful when he lowered himself to contact me. Then he met with me and asked if we could just be friends. I was so upset that I ended all contact with him. Then a few months later he texted me to apologise and say that he had made the wrong decision. In the early hours of one morning he claimed that I had always wanted him – and that now he owned me and controlled me and said that I was his. He left his partner and moved away, but still kept in touch via text. He gave me some money – and helped me out recently when I became a victim of a crime. He had moved away – but a fortnight ago was back in town. He asked me to meet up with him – and I was so grateful to him, I ended up back in bed with him again. I am just so grateful that someone is taking notice of me – I can’t help myself. I realise he has probably got a new partner somewhere else – I’ve not dared to ask – but just can’t help myself. I realise from the articles on this site that I am just a ‘supply’ in a ‘queue’ – but I can’t ignore him. Deep down I am hoping that he ‘loves’ me – and that we can be together one day – but now I’ve read everything on here, I don’t think that will ever happen.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Sad Lady,

      I am sorry for your experience with this individual. You have shared enough here that I can confidently say that this man is deeply disturbed and nothing good will ever come from being in a relationship with him. He may even possess some psychopathic tendencies. For your own good, you should block him from communicating with you and find another place of employment.

      Wishing you all the best.


  33. Anonymous

    My serial cheating NPD ex has tried to get back with ne as the “other woman” using flattery And charm and telling me how much me misses me and loves me. He discarded me just before Christmas, didn’t say anything, just vanished one day.I was left devastated and traumatized. He’s done it six times to me already but I really trusted he meant it and that he wanted me as he kept saying. He cropped up in another woman’s profile fb pic all smiling and loved up, on Christmas day.. no explanation to his girlfriend (me)…
    I’ve never felt so broken or worthless. I found out this woman thought she was in a relationship with him since July 31st. And she still thinks she is as I never told her! I went into shock and all her friends and family liked her post completely unaware.

    He got back in contact in the new year. Perhaps thinking I didn’t know? Maybe it was intentional. Who knows. I hit the roof as he then asked to meet up like nothing had happened, completely nonchalant about his actions. It left me I even more upset, frustrated and confused! This man I trusted and considered my best friend had been deceiving me and the level of deception rather than the psysical aspect of cheating. I’m soul destroyed. I was so depressed I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and I was despondent to the rest of the world for months. And he comes back like he’d just popped out to the shops or something? No explanation!! I ended up with all the stress and upset going on in my head and silent crying for many months I had a nervous breakdown, intensified by the fact he was contacting making demands calling me a bitch for ignoring his “hoovering” attempts. Always leaving me messages and I would sit there missing him, confused, refusing to respond to him as it filled me with extreme anxiety, dread even at getting a message as it would trigger my depression worse as he would gaslight me and always be accusing of me not caring about him, talking to me with contempt and demanding I do him sexual favours, the man could manipulate me in the past and I think I suffered cognitive dissonance and PTSD. I lost the man I loved I ignored so many attempts of his to Hoover as it always made me so sad, more sad as he never tried to ammend he worded everything with an adgenda to use me. I’d cry seeing a message from him saying he loved me. He’d conned my mind into loving him and he knew this and his reasons to contact were for shallow meaningless ones, just to see where I was up to, did I seem hurt? Has she moved on? Got a boyfriend? If I tell her can we have a threesome or that I want to watch her have sex with another man when she wants me, will she lose it? Will that bother her for a reaction? How dare she not reply

    1. Carol

      I know exactly my ex husband I had no idea he was a Narc. The mask started to slip one year after we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and the discard was BRUTAL!

  34. This describes my 7.5 years with what I thought was a friend from the past. He was a demon from the past. Every line of what you wrote above matches his actions and words verbatim. I had no idea it was a syndrome and that it was this systematic. At the discard I was seeing a counselor because my chronically ill son has taken such a toll on me. It was that counselor that told me I was with a narcissist and that I could never speak to him ever again. I had no idea!! Once I started doing the research, it was on point, word for word, including the timeline of abuse. These people are demons, run as far away as you can from their evil essence. And thank the heavens if you were discarded!

  35. Carol

    This is amazing Kim you just described my discard to a “T” that’s exactly what happened to me now nearly a year ago! He even tries to control our children while screwing this latest slut in our Family home, it’s so filthy! We had to get Child and Family services involved and supervised visits because my 9 year old son at the time was so upset! This piece of garbage has still not taken one ounce of responsibilty in nearly a year!

  36. Dr Blabby

    I have been married to a narc almost 6 yrs – dated 5 yrs before that. I knew exactly what he was as I was a daughter of a narc. Not a good excuse to be treated badly but it is what I knew and thought I could handle it. He also has some very good qualities. I have been in the familiar “cycle” more times than i can count. The last time – he found my “replacement” and was grooming her behind my back while telling me he loved me every day. I don’t take any of this, personally – he needs supply. Either we accept what they are, or we go. I am a really independent woman – too old to start over- and I know exactly how he works. NEVER shows good judgment , loves chaos, drama, and likes to blame me ( Not happening). Would I recommend this life for everyone? Absolutely not. But everyone out there who is trying to understand what is happening to them.. think of them as predatory rattlesnakes. Do NOT think of them as normal, functioning, human beings. They aren’t. They don’t think like us. They are like drug addicts – they need their SUPPLY. That could be sex, attention, money, respectability, trophy wife, etc. etc. If you decide to stay – SET BOUNDARIES and KEEP THEM. These narcs will push you as hard as they can. Stay strong. Narcissists are NOT for the weak hearted. If you can get what you want – and they get what they want.. you can manage. Forget love. Forget honesty. Forget trust. Just take care of you. Hugz.

    1. Carol

      Omg you are 200% describing my husband we are legally separated but divorce cannot be finalized until Feb. 2018 in Canada it’s one year after you first apply! This man is so disgusting how did I not see this sooner? Married 21 years, common law for three knew him well or I thought I did. We were the best of friends didn’t rush into anything and I never even got pregnant until 6 years into the marriage. Please explain what happened how did I not see this?

    2. Jill Nelson

      Thank you….I don’t think I could ever be as strong as you are…but thank you – you have given me a new perspective on this type of person…You are strong and deserve some form of peace of mind, happiness and security at the end of all this……Go well

  37. Carol

    This article describes my life to a tee! My narcissist ex dumped me after 21 years of married, beautiful house and two great kids so depressing but I’m trying to remain strong!?

  38. Sandy

    That’s exactly what happened to me. We were together for 7 1/2 years total…lived together for 5 1/2 years then he needed a “break”…that lasted 3 months and he came back to me.After a short time I found out he had another girlfriend (someone from his past); he promised me he didn’t love her but was scarificing because he needed to be in a certain location and she provided him with a home. I believed him when he said he wanted us back together and he would leave her only for him to string me along another year and a half and eventually marry her. It’s been a year and I’m still recovering; I’ve vowed to beat this awful feeling of deceit and humiliation and I will.

    1. Dr Blabby

      I am so sorry this happened to you. I have been where you are – Just as recently as last month, I found out I had been strung along for several months while he was grooming his next supply. WHY? He runs from conflict – Yes, we were having serious issues and he just couldn’t handle it. So he runs. To other women. I know they don’t mean any more to him than I do. Fast forward: She wasn’t interested. He kept trying. And that slick woman managed to get $1700 out of him!! AH HA. The player playing the player. How often do you see that?

      Do not take any of this treatment towards you, personally. We are all dispensible. That’s why when they let go they feel no remorse – no sadness – no regret. IT’s like a snake devouring their prey. They ate and now you’re discarded on the side of the road. That is who they are.

      Dry your tears. Celebrate he’s gone. You have a huge opportunity to work on yourself to boost your self esteem and learn if it feels wrong, IT IS. He really did you a favor. We hang on because we hope.

      I am older – not interested in starting over — I just want to have some fun. My kids are grown ( not ours) and if my narc can give me that – I’m fine with it. Am self sufficient – financially independent and accept what he is. A narc.

      Much good luck – hugz – and remember… It was NEVER about you. No, the new ones are not prettier – smarter – or anything else. They fill a need – some are better than others but a narc is happy to take what he can get. 🙂

      1. Carol

        Exactly and mine also runs from conflict we were at a low point in our marriage I asked for counseling he refused! I had no idea he was grooming new supply until my daughter got into his locked cell phone, this psycho slept with that cell phone. Stupid me never suspected a thing, lol! He worked with these filthy, disrespectful mechanics and I just thought he was always texting dirty jokes amongst the group, WRONG! I was NOT a clingy wife I’m very independent and even my former MIL believes I gave him too much freedom!

    2. Carol

      You and me both Sandy mine lied to my face time and time again and silly me believed all his crap. Until a new woman moved in two doors down from our home, renting with another man. He worked out of town and as soon as he was gone working she was working on my ex husband behind my back inside our Family home!?

    3. Carol

      Omg I’m so sorry for you it’s horrible you feel sick to your stomach everyday I have butterflies and I’m so scared. No family in this city but I do like living here and he always lives with this new woman he met on a dating site, barely knows her and he screws her right in our family home same floor as my sons bedroom! We are not even divorced yet! It’s sickening a nightmare I never wake up from! Even the dog was abandoned I have him!?

  39. Julie

    You’ve described my life exactly. With him 20 years. Sole mate best friend. Lover.perfect. 8months ago he took my picture off his phone. Made an excuse he likes to change them!!!! A month later was our big big holiday of a lifetime. 2weeks before we go he cooked is a romantic meal candles music the lot. Sat snuggled on sofa watched a film. Went to bed where he just said as cold as ice “,I don’t love you” he left 2 days later. I was devastated to say the least. He emptied everything of his from our home. He swore there was no one else. Guess what there is!!!!! 20 years younger they work together. He filed for divorce because of ” my unreasonable behaviour” o my god I was numb with shock. He’s flaunting Barbie all over town now but continues to be nasty beyond belief to me…typically narcissistic trait. Always made to feel I should be lucky I’ve got him. Silence is absolutely the best revenge it’s driving him mad that I just don’t rise to his stupid behaviour. I’m feeling stronger now but god it’s been some journey. Were so much better off without these toxic people. Keep a smile on your face you’ll survive we all will xxxx

    1. Sasha

      Sounds like my life to a certain degree. 22 years together, a daughter,dog,house,two cars,holiday home .the usual. I’m not naive to think our relationship wasn’t stuck in a rut. We were just moseying along. I hate saying this but I’d look at him and think is this it? Anyway in February we decided perhaps it was the end of the road. Naively I thought we would co parent in harmony,after all we were real friends….how wrong was I. Immediately after he told our 12 year he had met someone else,they could meet,bla,bla,bla. I remained silent,just being there for our daughter. Then the gloves came off….he stalked me, rang friends up to ask the what,where’s and whys,got his sister to snoop for him,came round begging me not to see anyone.when I found out who he was with I was hurt,but realised he deserved to be happy. He has done so many shitty things,and I have on two occasions told him my thoughts on his behaviour. Then it came to light he had been sneaking around with her afew months before the split. Throughout it all, I have never thought I wanted him back still don’t. His behaviour has been so alien,yet though it all I have worked on the me,that got lost. I found a job, started getting my life on track, lost weight….just concentrated on me and my beautiful daughter. Yes I still think of him at times,but I smile to myself knowing I’m free of a man who even now does things to get a reaction. I went no contact immediately,and it works,. He moved in with her after eight weeks, but I see a shell of a man when he comes to take our daughter out. The swagger is gone, I see him looking, he tells our daughter he still loves me cause I’m mom…..wants to be friends? Erm no! Ladies and gents….don’t waste any time on a person who blames you,who treats you with no respect and who lies…let the AP have that privilege and the shit that goes with it. what goes around really does come around!

      1. Carol

        I do agree at first I made the mistake of going ballistic, he had this woman inside my home with my kids, I was arrested at my townhouse. Thankfully my sister was here completely SHOCKED! He had destroyed our family, blamed me for now a second affair and when I reacted had me arrested! It’s now 9 months later and through counseling I have learned to calm down I’m so DONE with this piece of trash I called my husband and my brain is just starting to accept it! It was like someone smashed me in the side of the head with a brick! I had to get legal help, very expensive but had no other choice and he even got a restraining order against me and the dog for one year! I’m so DONE and I now look at this new girlfriend and think you can gladly have this piece of lying, cheating trash what a prize!?

      2. Kate

        Hi Sasha,
        I wish I could channel your strength!

    2. Carol

      Omg Julie I know exactly I knew something was amiss because of his total disregard for affection! I tried to get help through counseling but he wouldn’t open up! Then bit by bit I became more depressed I wanted out because I had already put up with one affair and I wasn’t doing another!

    3. Carol

      Omg Julie I do agree and that’s exactly what the prick wanted me to do and I think that’s why I got the discard to start with I wasn’t KISSING his ass! He was the bread winner, excellent provider and good money. Although we weren’t have much intimacy I was going through menopause, I told him that, low libido I got help for it but I guess it was too little too late! We were so busy raising two kids, always tired and no couple time except the odd date night which was lovely! I was stay at home mom for years, HE wanted that but I think now he wanted his cake and eat it too just like his buddies at work! Mostly divorced!

  40. helen 7

    I had an affair with a man for 16 years He always said he’d never “jump ship” but he didn’t want to leave me either. Then, his wife became terminally ill.. He came to tell me the news, cried, said he needed my support. Of course I gave it to him for the two years before she died. I felt horrible about the whole thing and still do. He said we would have a live together, gave me gifts, texted and called all the time, was attentive to me, and we spent alot of time together.
    After the funeral, and in the months that followed he became different. He was impatient with me, critisized everything I did, At one point he pushed me down a set of stairs. I found out he was seeing some one else within a few months of his wife dying. So I said I couldn’t see him anymore. I took the high road, wished him well and said goodbye, even though I was emotionally devastated. A month later he texted and I, stupidly responded. He was tearful and said he missed me so much. Well I met him for coffee and asked if she was gone and he said yes. Guess what, she was gone on vacation for a Week!

    Do you think I got up and left? No. I stayed and we started seeing each other and going out for dinner 2 nights a week. ( the nights he said worked for him) At first he was polite and kind with me, but as the months went on and I realized he wasnt available to talk , except when he wanted, I got mad.
    then he said I had a bad temper and a tendency to ” fly off the handle” he said he didn’t love the other person but he enjoyed being single..As I write this I realize how incredibly stupid I Am..but I truely loved
    him, and gave him all I had for all those years. I finally said good by as he was really treating me like garbage. I haven’t contacted him
    for a month, but my life is in tatters. Its hard to even get through a day and I am so angry and hurt. I don’t know how to move forward and I have no self esteem left.

    1. Dr Blabby

      They are the ultimate users. He wanted his cake and to eat it, too…. AND remember they are con artists – the best World Class actors in the World who will say ANYTHING to get what they wan. When you stop — and realize you were the only one giving – it will make sense. He might have thrown you a bone once in a while to keep you hooked – but this is a painful lesson we have all learned. They have honed their skills in trapping people their whole lives. Celebrate he’s gone – Learn and vow NEVER to make the same error in judgement again. Listen to your gut. It will never fail you. He is not worth shedding one tear over. The guy is a loser – a predator – Yes, they are out there. Sociopaths/narcs/psychopaths/? They don’t wear signs. Hugz.

    2. Carol

      Helen I know exactly how your feeling I live with butterflies in my stomach everyday I’m still under constant stress I have NO idea what I ever did that was so terrible. He even went so far as to get a restraining order against me when I showed up one evening after work to see my son and he was hiding his new supply already in our old bed, flaunting! It was beyond sick and I could hear him whispering to our young son in the kitchen! He even used the kids as a weapon my boy is only 11!

    3. Carol

      Omg Helen I know exactly hang in there you are a beautiful person he is the trash! My life is in tatters also I have very limited cash because I was always stay at home except before I was married! I don’t have a career and NO money to get training so I have to accept crap jobs I don’t really like to pay the bills! He on the other hand makes good money as a mechanic here in Canada! But I’m strong and I do have good self esteem I’m lucky that way! I refuse to allow this piece of lying garbage to destroy me! I have to be strong and show my kids I’m the better parent!


    This is exactly what happened to my daughter. Wow its like reading about her ex narsi.

    1. Carol

      Charmaine it was so sick the first affair he flaunted her right in front of me and the kids inside our home and she was already cohabiting with yet another man but he beat her up so badly one evening after he got drunk. Then I believe my ex husband figured he would be her saviour for awhile because she was EASY to get into bed!

    2. Carol

      Exactly Charmaine it’s disgusting using the kids as weapons! Although I’m not surprised because my ex husband entire family is psychotic and toxic they all gossip, lie and cheat and still I never saw this big red flag when I married him

  42. This triangulation is what narcs do. I was part of this triangulation 2 different times. The first time I allowed it to happen was the first time he left me for another woman. I remember feeling devastated when he left. He was my worlds. Everything I did centered around him. I couldn’t function after he left. It was all I could do take care of my 15 year old daughter. The day my ex narc called me and asked if I wanted to meet him and talk while he was with this woman, I was relieved. I thought he wanted to tell me he was sorry. He missed me. I was his everything. That is not what happened. He told me he was confused and needed time to figure things out. That’s when I became “the other woman”. He would get upset with her and come spend the night with me. We would meet while she was at work. This relationship only lasted 6 weeks. He then came back to me permanently. I was relieved. I had my soul mate back. What a crock of crap. His awful behavior never changed. I just kept enduring his torture. Then a couple years later, he fell into another woman’s arms. I again became the “other woman” after a couple of weeks separated from him. This relationship was on again off again between the two of us women. He would stay with me and then leave when I did something wrong. Thinking back on this all I can do is shake my head in disbelief. I can’t believe I allowed this to happen twice. Both of these two women were part of his past. He new both of them before him and I ever met. We were together for 20 years. We were going to celebrate being together for 20 years and the day before he got very angry at me and strangled me, threw my clothes outside and kicked me in the butt as I walked out the door. But yet that wasn’t enough for me. I had no contact with him for 3 months after this occurred. But then one day I “missed” him. I have know idea what I was thinking. I contacted him and off to the races our ugly relationship began again. This continued for less than a year. We did get divorced in Dec 2016. But that wasn’t enough for me either. We started seeing each other in Jan 2017. This lasted 4 months. Looking back these 4 months were no picnic. It was definitely the same behavior as before. I have been “no contact” since May 4, 2017. This date is my new anniversary date. I will not longer tolerate his behavior or do I want him in my life. My children and I do not see him, or hear from him. I surround myself with good loving people. I am a survivor. I couldn’t have done this without your help. You don’t know that. You have guided me through this journey. I appreciate all you have done. I hope others find their way out. NO CONTACT is the absolute 1st step and this must occur before healing can occur. I still have moments, but I will never allow him into my life. He has destroyed enough.

    1. Emily

      Wow, your message has really moved me. Good for you for staying so strong and positive. Make sure you come back and read what you’ve just written if you ever find yourself thinking about him. This forum has really helped me move on from my experience – I don’t even want to define it as a relationship – with a narc. Admittedly it has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, but I’m in a good place now and have been happily on my own for 10 months. Thankyou x

      1. Carol

        I know Emily it’s brutal but I really do respect myself too much to stay with my former narc even though at one time the marriage seemed fantastic but it was all lies!?

      2. Carol

        Omg me too Emily even losing my beloved dad in 2011 failed in comparison to the destruction my ex narc did to me and the CRUELTY! I still have no idea almost a year later what I ever did to him that was so terrible but I think it’s because I saw the mask slip! This man aged: 53 is so full of himself he was angry that I wasn’t kissing his ass everyday and I didn’t like his disrespectful jokes he texted about women to his friends.

  43. Kellie

    I was married for 20 years to my narcissist. It took several years before I figured out what I was dealing with. I met him in 1996. We have children together. I just kept dealing with him and living a fantasy that our life was perfect. I was the “other woman” 2 times. He had affairs and lived with these women and I saw him on the side. When I think back how and why I did this, I want to throw up. It all makes sense now. I was left feeling worthless and he was my world. Everything I did on a daily basis, even while raising children, centered around him. We ate when he wanted to and we had better be quiet when he was napping. Definitely an elephant in the house and walking on egg shells. I have been divorced since Dec 2016. It was a long journey getting there. We started to see each other again in Jan 2017 after we got divorced. Obviously, that ended again in May. I have been no contact to it’s fullest extent since May 4th. I can’t explain to you all the feelings I have gone through. It’s almost 90 days no contact. I am making great progress in my life. I love myself again. I will never have any contact with him again. My children are grown. They love me and support me. My life will only improve without him in it.

  44. Anonymous

    I am in the process of healing finding my pieace of mind. He was a very bad relationship toxic . I feel for him we dated for 5 months he did so much harm & damage. Last week was our court hearing on a criminal case been going on now for a few months now .He brought his new gf . Don’t know why ? I left him 2 months ago after a car accident and DV was really bad had enough . Was to late when I did not see the truth the signs . Today I stay strong that’s all . I can do what helped me was the contact rule.

  45. Dawn

    I was married for 6 years to what I thought was my soul mate as soon as the ring was on my finger things changed domineering manipulation lying tantrums ECT then cheating he left me for his ow then 6 weeks later came back asking for another chance I took him back as I was devastated I loved him I with I hadn’t he just carried on with her again while giving me a hard time . I found out it was still going on so is asked him to leave he gladly did I was devastated again. He went on holiday with her then begged me to take him back like a fool I did we lived together for a year my nerves in shreds waiting for it to happen again and it did he left for her so I went nc determined this time I changed my phone refused to talk he sent me divorce papers I signed them now free of this he now married his ow 5 months after divorce came through. But he is smearing me to people who come into my work place this is 18 months since split and he’s still smearing me I don’t know why when he’s got a new life??

    1. Carol

      The smear campaign I know all about that my ex husband used his family against me even though we all were NOT close from day. 1 of the marriage. There were red flags everywhere before we ever even got married but did I see them, NO of course not I wanted the fairy tail and boy did I ever pay for it!?

  46. Roshonda

    Oh my you hit the nail on the spot. I was the wife. He left me to go to her…He was living triple lives. She is his meal ticket as far as money and her career. I don’t answer any texts, calls, emails, nothing since the day he left…Silence is my weapon…divorce will be final this month.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Congrats on your divorce! You deserve better! 🙂

      Kim XoXo

      1. Carol

        I so agree Kim we all do but the worst part is so many kids get caught in the middle! Mine were only 9 and 13 when this mess started! We are into it two years now!

  47. Granny

    I spent 46 painful years with my narc. Younger posters on this site, please get out now. I was never acknowledged on Mother’s Day, but Father’s Day had to be a big celebration! He never remembered my birthday but expected only the best on his. He never did anything with the kids when they were little, he sat in bars every night, picked up what ever bar whore he could find. He had other women in my house when I was gone for a family emergency. He has denied, denied, denied even when he knew I knew the truth. He wouldn’t discuss anything and would tell me to “stop bitching about it” or he was leaving. He is now 65 and has a new supply picked out. I knew it was coming two years ago and just patiently watched and waited. He moved out and is now saying he is lonely and needs a woman to love and share his life with (her) and is filing for divorce. Like the saying goes, “there’s no fool like an old fool” and he fits the bill. I will be glad to be rid of him and I can honestly say, if this new supply takes him on I feel sorry for her. Stay strong all of you on this site! I have my grown children, grandchildren and great grandchildren to stand beside me through this. Thank God for a caring family!!

    1. Carol

      You are blessed because my ex narc and I are NOT close to either families so it’s really lonely although I thank God I have become closer to my sister and we speak on the phone almost every second day! They are shocked they also thought he was a decent man, WRONG!

  48. Gabriela

    My name is Gaby (-short for Gabriela-) and I’m writing to you from Mexico City where I live.

    In my absolute DESPERATION to get over my ex narcissistic partner, I’ve looked for different kinds of help, but still feel very bad and SAD often!

    I’m reaching out to you because, after reading about Narcissist men’s behavior with their partners and / or wives, I truly identified myself!

    Still during a very unhappy 7-year relationship with an alcoholic, narcissist, womanizer, my ex started a long distance relationship with a Cuban woman (-he’s Mexican and started to take trips to Cuba, supposedly to have medical check-ups after he had a hip replacement operation back in October 2013-) and married the Cuban woman a year and a half ago!

    Despite the fact our relationship was very damaged, we still slept together ocassionally and I loved and helped him in every way I could. To make the story short, he asked me for a translation of a Divorce Sentence of his from English into Spanish (-of wife number 2 or 3-) and lied to me (-he is a compulsive liar-), telling me his mommy needed such translation for some probate proceedings. I also gave him some nice clothes for his birthday and last Christmas we were together, lent him money (-which he didn’t pay back completely-), etc., etc., etc.

    Finally, in 2015 just a week after sleeping together for the last time, he DUMPED me OVER WHATSSAPP, comparing me with the 3 mothers of his 4 children with which he ended in divorce and terribly and wrote to me that: “It was a good thing that I had never gotten pregnant from him, because he would have killed our baby before he/she was born so that he/she wouldn’t have such a crazy mother like me!!!!!”. After telling me these EXTREMELY CRUEL words, he even called me over the phone and told me that “he didn’t really mean to say that, but that he had because our relationship had to END!!!

    What I realized shortly after, was that the reason why my ex abruptly wanted to DEFINITELY BREAK UP with me was because he was about to MARRY the Cuban woman he started screwing while he was still with me!!! I found out about his “HAPPY” marriage through Facebook where he appears with his smily new “supply” or “target” wearing the clothes I had given him with so much love (-and that I NEVER saw him wear with me!!!), and discovered what he needed me, of all the translators in Mexico, to translate his divorce sentence to be able to marry this woman in Cuba.

    I can hardly express how SAD, ANGRY, DISAPPOINTED, DECEIVED and HEARTBROKEN I have felt and wonder if he has truly found “happiness” and love with this new wife/woman he must have seen during his one-week trips to Cuba maybe 5 or 6 times (-the 6th or 7th time he went to Cuba was to MARRY her!!!).

    Even though rationally I know he’s a JERK and doesn’t deserve my suffering, there’s a part of me that still is obsessed with him!

    Finally, after my ex married this Cuban woman, he came back to Mexico City to his mommy’s house where he lives because he has NO money, nor a place of his own to live. From August 2015 when he married to approximately March this year, he lived at his mother’s house, and his new wife lived in Cuba, and last year he only visited her 3 times!

    Currently, my ex’s new wife came to Mexico and is living with him in his mother’s house, and I just wonder if his extremely difficult mother (-he’s a mommy’s boy-) and my ex will treat her like they treated me and several or all other women in my ex’s life! You have NO idea how comforting it would be for me to know that the new woman will kick him in the ass and give him a taste of his own medicine, once she finds out WHO he truly is, and what he’s truly like!

    Or….will my ex be different with the new woman in question????? I really need HELP to lift up my self-esteem and LET GO and forget my ex because I still feel a LOT OF PAIN and feel like I’m going…..crazy!!!!

    I would very MUCH appreciate your insight and HELP and truly look forward to find the support I need to get over the HELL I’ve been through!

  49. Kianna

    Everything up said in this article is true,no one will ever understand how u try to explain this person left u brainwash,crazy,confuse,not empty it’s like the devil himself took your soul when u hit rock bottom with demonic devil we call narcissist

    I’m still feeling away that I don’t know if I ever him get back to me on top of other life b.s. they will call u even after they move on said u was nothing n talk about u to others or even other woman. want to see u ,been so sweet but u have to pay close attention to the words n deamomor.its just them want u to give in they are like kids who don’t like the word no that want there way.its deeper than control

  50. Anonymous

    So spot on. I do not know what happened to him and his new supply ( I do know she was the perfect target:Money and clueless) And I don’t want to know. I believe in karma and redemption. I may not see it for myself but it exists and in my heart of hearts I know, that man will get what’s coming to him. I do pity the other person though.

    1. Carol

      Agreed I’m a huge believer in KARMA it bites I saw it with my dad on his deathbed as much as I adored him he didn’t treat his own mother well at the end of her life! As for my ex narc I know karma is coming he discarded me like human garbage in front of my two crying kids! Neighbours had to help me!

  51. BeowulfSabrina

    But what is the outcome when the OW is a homewrecking 4 times married chaotic, sociopath who breaks up marriages for sport (3 others so far) who targeted my spouse for $$? Yes, he had free will and it was his choice, but this is an unholy alliance and I haven’t read very much about the situation when the OW is just as toxic and narcissistic as the cheater. This is a person who works in a male dominated industry so she has an endless supply of middle aged men to fund her life. What happens with this scenario? He says he found his soulmate (after 2 weeks) but now wants to be polyamory so he can have both of us. No remorse, no empathy for my pain of being a loving wife of 26 years. I said no and filed for divorce. He went into a narc rage but still hoovers me. I went no contact, only communicate through my attny now. How could he discard me so cruelly and pretend 26 years of a happy marriage has no value?

    1. Peta

      That is my story too Sabrina. This ow is 17 years his junior, has a child with 2 “daddy’s” already and pushing him on to a 3rd. Narc and I had already raised our 3 children and the last one was just about out the door when She came along. He had known her for about 10 year at most. My discard took less than a month of her coming into our lives. He was using every pathetic excuse to see her, I caught him sneaking to see her (which he denied), and she phoned him every single day and they would talk not when I wasn’t around. She was in the process of leaving her husband and was “needing support”. My narc who loves being the knight in shining armour, swooped her up onto his white steed. She moved in around the corner from us, and narc hubby gave her a job. When she was a our work, narc and I could not be affectionate towards one another in front of her, that is how this whole discard of me started. I asked why no affection, he said coz she had feelings for him. I told him I didn’t care, we are a couple and she should respect that. Nope. He insisted. I saw him be affectionate with her and I went wild. Yep, I confirmed the craziness he had told other people of. It escalated from there. I moved out as her and her son out to the movies on my birthday. His birthday (might I add) was spent in bed most of the day having fun sex. I left not long after that. I lost a lot of weight in that month, and looked better. Due to anxiety it was impossible for me to eat. My stomach was in knots. His new woman is far from pretty and a lot bigger than myself. But she does know how to groom his ego. I stopped grooming about a year before I left. He said I pushed him away. Whatever. They now live together and I have gone no contact. But what I love is that I hear she goes through his phone (his pet hate) and is always hanging off of him and smothering him. She goes to work with him and comes home from work with him. The only time he gets is in the bathroom. Hahahahaha. KARMA ladies. I have found that no contact makes me stronger, and the more I stand on the outside, the more I see him as a coward and an idiot. His mother also played a HUGE part in our relatiosnship. Thank goodness I never have to see those miserable people ever again. I do “miss” him as he does have his good side, nut I do not miss the feelings of anxiety and insecurity. I don’t know what I am going to do a little while down the track when he does contact me, as I know it is only a matter of time. I hope by that time I have built up resilience and strong enough to say no.

  52. Anonymous

    He(covert narc) didn’t tell me it was my fault, but I guess he said it to the other girl behind my back, kind of she never cooked for me, I spent my birthday alone…
    he just told me that his feelings have changed and he might have misinterpreted his feelings( a sister love). he was preparing the new other girl, she became the one for him after 2 weeks of texting asked her to marry him after the second meeting. (I was the one for him too after 2 weeks, where he was saying he never had feelings like this, and he never thought that love could be so strong).
    the funny thing with him is that the girl contacted me telling me that he is cheating on both of us with both of us. before that everything was ok, except some delusional stories he was telling me ( was that gas lighting). when his mask was off, he came up with I don’t deserve to be with you, the next day I don’t have any feelings for you anymore and I found the girl that is really my one.
    end of the story the girl left him although he was begging her to give him a second chance. She told me that she is sure that he wanted to be back to be the one who leaves her at the end. He was always the one who breakup the relationships.
    2 months and half now that is over, and I am still in shock about how people can be deceiving, he turned out to be completely what he pretends to hate and what I HATE.
    he played me and fooled me , I had no experience before him and he took advantage on that.
    I do not regret him and thank God that is over because it wasn’t real. but it really hurts.

  53. Anonymous

    Hi my ex narcissist boyfriend I broke up with the 28th of February. We were together a year during that time the first few months he was the night in shining armor. Coming to save the day, I’m a single mom of 3 and my youngest is severely autistic. He used my autistic son to groom me… Always asking how he was doing and said he used to help his mother take care of disabled adults like Isaiah… To make a very long storie short. He told me in the beginning he could no longer have children. When I broke up he was seeing a very young girl at our job Yes we work together and had been for 3 months before I broke up… Found out after we broke up also takes to his family who told me this is what he does to all women. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after I broke up now I’m 4 months pregnant with a son

    1. Rosemarie Ifill

      O my…you are GOING to be all right.I left the narc 2 weeks ago.I am still hurting.but praying that the no contact stays a why….it was broken two days ago.I want to go far away from him…its painful and gutwrenching…Please take care of yourself…these people are demonic.

      1. Cariol

        Yes demonic is an excellent choice of words and when I look back on my Narc I realize that all the red flags were there but I didn’t heed the warnings! His mother is a toxic bitch, his two sisters also but they all stick together because old mommy has MONEY!

  54. I finally left mine after an extremely painful few years. At the end the abuse was killing me so one day I didnt come home. I went on to find my own place. He would not allow me or my family to come get my things. So he had to do it of course. We attempted at his desperate urging to try and work things out in separate households. Things would be ok but then a huge blow up and then here comes the hoover and Id fall for it EVERY time. His new supply contacted me about his treatment of her and did he do me the same way. I told her everything but of course he drew her back in and threw me under the bus but honestly Im ok with that. she will in time see that I was right! He hasnt attempted a hoover yet and its been a month. I learned alot from her as well. What he was saying about me and the lies generated, that he cheated on me the entire relationship, and the lies….my lord how do you keep up with so many lies. I moved out 16 months ago and still have issues with thoughts of him and the deep levels of myself that he affected. Ive been reeled back in by the false charm way too many times to count. I became the other woman for a minute.Im like I just want free!! You have moved on and so have I finally after the “epiphany” but the the obsessive thoughts and emotions with this evil entity just wont go away. I read a book related to “Exorcising the narcissist”. Basically discarding of anything that makes you think of them, any gifts, cards, etc …..rearranging furniture, not going to places you once did. To train your mind to divert thoughts when they crop up but that so far has been the hardest part for me. I just have been so down for so long that the truth did set me somewhat free. I have been going out with friends and having fun which I had not been doing until recently. Moving forward the best I can.

  55. Hi,
    Thank you for your website. I am having a hard time again lately. My ex narcissist was and still is (until June of this year) my sons Kindergarten teacher. We were only “together” for about 4 and half months but it truly ended after 8 months. It devastated me and I nearly went to the principal because what he did was simply not ok. Anyway after much healing – therapy, hiking, breath work, becoming an energy healer I feel better for sure but there is still so much sadness and last few days anger again. I still have to see him 5 says a week…I ignored him for 2 months end of last year but realized beginning of this year ignoring him takes effort and it shows him he still bothers me and he is my sons teacher…:(
    Anyway we have been communicating but every time I see him it triggers “something”…..makes me so angry! He doesn’t have a care in the world though…Mr. wonderful and charming with all the parents and teachers. He told me he is working a lot on himself and I changed his life (yeah right)…but I just don’t really believe it. Anyway…just wish this feeling would go away forever. Annabel

  56. Kristina Napier

    My narcissistic boyfriend just left me for another woman who he supposedly intends to marry. While I thought we were in a relationship, he apparently told others we were just friends. I believed the lies when he would go away for the weekend to go see his daughter or some other story. I believed him when he said he was talking to a close male friend of his on the phone when he would go outside of the house to talk all hours of the night. He made me feel like I owed him. He was always a victim. How could I be so stupid? What’s worse is that I picture him having sex with this other woman and it drives me insane. Why should I care? I should be angry and irate and hate him. A part of me misses him. Am I sick?

    1. Anonymous

      Hey are you still feeling like you miss him? I get that feeling as well. It’s like you know they are not the right person for you…yet you deeply miss them. I hope you are able to find joy and support from your friends and family….and I also get that too that friends and family are sick and tired of hearing about the ups and downs….so you feel isolated. I totally get it.

      1. Carol

        I know exactly and the worst part my ex narc and I are not even CLOSE to either sides of our family therefore we suffer in silence! He has already smeared my name to all of them but I’m ok with as I know they never accepted me from day. 1 and I never like them either, all backstabbed! It’s so difficult to fight and stay strong when you don’t have that family support system! You fight in silence

  57. Lost

    I felt so alone until I read everybody else’s experiences. I’m still going through the grieving phase of him leaving me. I feel so raw. I feel worse thinking of what I put up with for so long. I’m a highly sensitive person and my confidence is at rock bottom. I feel timid around other men. My ex started getting cosy with a female friend a while ago. What is sickening is she sounds just like me. He’s told me all about her experiencing abuse in the past, and she’s extremely emotional too. She’s been providing him with a lot of emotional support which he feeds off. He even told me of her opinion on us – I’m assuming she doesn’t know of his narcissistic ways, or how he treated me. But apparently she helped him come to the conclusion that he doesn’t love me, and perhaps never did. He was a gambler, with deep anger, possession issues and he was the most competitive person I knew. I’m just not sure why I feel so upset. I had been wanting freedom for so long. I have provided him with most of my wages every month – even when he had his own source of income and gambled it away – I held him so many nights when he cried about his issues and insecurities, and forgave him so many times. I have pushed so many people away because of him. I wish I never met him.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Lost,

      Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience here. I understand how painful this all is, but I want to let you know what’s going on here. He is triangulating between you and her. I wouldn’t believe or take to heart anything he says about this new girl, including anything she supposedly says about you. Know that he is likely not being completely accurate in what he says about you, so any supposed response she makes isn’t based on reality. Besides, whatever he’s relaying back to you in regards to what she is saying is likely his own words. Don’t believe or internalize anything. He’s not honest like you are, so don’t project your honesty onto him.

      This is one of their blueprint behaviors. Almost all of them do it. A new girl pops onto the scene, suddenly she gives him everything you didn’t or couldn’t, and he confides everything in you as though the two of you are “friends” now and he shares all of his euphoria about the new girl. It’s all very intentional.

      Even though it seems like and feels like he’s left you, he will be back at some point when the new girl starts figuring him out. I hope you will block him so he can’t pull you back into his twisted agenda.


      1. Lost

        Thankyou Kim. Ironically he’s at university at present studying psychology and he aspires to be a clinical psychologist. He has a perfect opportunity to find multiple other women who could cater to his needs! He contacts every so often to ask what I have been doing, and reemphasises that although he never loved me, he cares, but it will never work. He has very deep emotional issues which I know he will always have. I should be happy to be free of the violence and control. I have blocked all contact now so hopefully I can start to move on with my life.

      2. Debbie Toomey

        2.5 years and 4 chances later after finding out that my narcissistic husband was having an affair while I was going through breast cancer, I am divorcing him. We were married for 7 years. Three days after I announced that I was divorcing him, he got on a dating website met a girl not even two weeks later and they are in love in less than 30 days. I am amazed at how fast this all has happened. From what I have read it says that he will eventually come back around to try to get me back under his spell. Is this true?

        1. Kim Saeed

          Hi Debbie, I am sorry to learn about your cancer. My sister is a survivor, and I wish the same for you.

          Regarding whether he will come back around, I can’t say for sure. Most of them do, but not always. It all depends on who and what else they have going on in their lives and what their agendas are. If I were in your shoes, I would block him from being able to get in touch with you so that if he DID try, he would get nothing but crickets chirping…


          1. Jb

            I can’t bring myself to share the last 8 years of my journey with and ex, but the thought of returning into my life,it scares me to imagine someone could first do what they do, and them return when things dont go their way, is just mind blowing. I will pray everyday that I will not fall in that trap again and to be aware of any sign of it happening, I too have started to remove everything possible of his, I just want to forget the last 8 yrs of my life and start fresh.
            Thank you all for sharing, this is the best thing that has happen out of this whole mess! God bless all of you and be safe ladies.

  58. Ronnie

    I blindly dealt with a narcissist for 13 months and it was the biggest waste of time of my life. He was perfect that prayers as always but of course I made my own mistakes but he was a very unforgiving. He was very disrespectful became distance and wanted to spend less time and me feel bad about myself always saying I’m a bad person when I try so hard to do things right make him happy but nothing worked and I lost a lot of weight. He would always go overboard with arguments and wouldn’t face me because he was a coward and throughout all of his relationships he’s always been a coward. Whenever I would try to give him constructive criticism he will always be in full blown rage. He didn’t care about my feelings as much as I did his but he is his father’s son. Right after our big fight and break up he already was with someone else. I am hurt by this but I do know he will never be happy. He is 25 and still childish unfortunately. Beware ladies his name is Masod Hunt. SAVE YOURSELF.

  59. D

    Kim, after reading your article and everyone’s comments I feel a relief and in my head. I was In 5 year relationship with my ex had physically abused me eroded my confidence and my soul. He trashed my belongings and vandalized my car. Used to fight with my family and hated my friends. I cheated on him well after the physical abuse started. I left several times to my dads house and to a new apt for myself. We have an almost 4 year old together too, who has witnessed so much of the madness. After 5 months of splitting up and living separately where we were trying to work on our relationship, I still sought out other petiole until I left him high and dry to feel hopeless and heartbroken. I simply felt over him and relieved I was “in love”. It wasn’t until a month later he met a girl I went to hs with and started being with her in the town he lived in where his parents also lived. I had broken up with the person I was seeing and then found this out. It tore me up and I went crazy crying and crying. I suddenly understood what I had done to him. He broke up with her within a week and we started seeing each other again. I was happy and yet he still talked shit to me where I took and believed I deserved it for making him feel heartbreak. He tried killing me by strangulation a week later because some new lies rose to the surface and I left. I went back the same day and we rented a house 3 weeks later. He strangled me and we fought terribly all the time. Until one day he came into the room where my son and I were beat me up senseless. The cops had been driving by and heard the screaming, came and took him. Cops had been called on him before for assault on me. But this was family violence on paper now. 4 days in jail and I had already moved out and back to my old town with my family. Everyone believed I was stupid for going back this time and pretty much every time. Cps got involved and he is safe with me in my parents house. The emotional baggage I carry is so exhausting all this guilt and accountability and the blaming it’s so heavy. He got back with that girl the same day he tried apologizing to me and getting me back. I had warned her twice while he was away and she fake nicely spoke to me and agreed that he was a jerk. Minutes later I see her messaging him on fb messenger that was logged into his account on my tablet. I watched for a whole day their conversation about how I wanted her to hate him and that I bothered her and that she missed him and he missed her. I didn’t know what else to do but obsess knowing I had access to these emails. We talked the next day knowing we couldn’t be together and he asked me back telling me all the things I wanted from him before. But it was too late. Now I can’t stop obsessing over them. Stalking his every move with his location shared with me through Google. It’s so messed up, I just can’t stop. theres too much that I can’t let go. Even knowing it was a consistent move against my best interest and my sons. I feel so empty and shame. I also filed for a two year protective order. I looked up articles on how to stop obsessing and found your article. It helped me feel better to know that you are foretelling it how it is and will be. I have fears, of him makin a new family. She is an artist like I used to be, a productive person in the community and she makes him ” feel like he is alive and well again”. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to find someone with all this in my head. She doesn’t believe that he’s an abuser and my family hates his guts because of what he’s done to me and found reasonable reasons why I cheated since he’s a scumbag of a person.

    I want to let him go and stop obsessing, it’s making me sad everyday and I can’t stop knowing what he’s doing.

    My life with him was so bonded over trauma that I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who will truly make me forget him. I’m 24, he is 26, and the ow is 22.

    Thank you, I needed to write this down.

    1. Peta

      Oh D darling, I hear and understand feeling shamed by your obsession. I came to realise that my feelings of obsession and desperation were to fill the emptiness that was left. I filled it with memories. But when I actually remembered the good times, there was a mixture of bad in them too. These feelings of up and down and this way and that way have always been there throughout the relationship. There was always confusion about how it became all of a sudden my fault and then there was the mind games, and not to mention the insecurities of not ever feeling good enough. They all became our way of life, so when we are cast aside, it creates another huge storm of confusion and kaos in our brains. That is the obsession part. We become like addicts too to the drama. I knew towards the end I was unhappy and that I knew I had to leave. I just fought for reasons not to. I also was afraid of the backlash and about what everyone would think and what he would say. Then I thought about the “everyone” and I thought to myself, all these other people mean shit to me, so what am I really afraid of? These people don’t care about me, so why should I care about what they think? Truth was, I was more afraid of what he would think and say. Don’t fight what you know in your heart what you’ve got to do. Give into it. When I did eventually move out, I screamed to the universe “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW.!” Go with the gut feeling. Your a woman and that is where the universe tells us what to do. But what you have to fight is the feelings obsession. Go no contact. Also make it hard to impossible for yourself not to contact him in those weak moments. It does get easier, and you do get stronger. But understand we all have our weak moments too, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. We are in mourning. We are mourning a long relationship, mourning the future we had planned, and mourning of a person who we thought loved us. And mourning takes time to heal. So don’t be too hard on yourself. Most if not all of these ladies on this forum have been where you are, including me.

  60. and this is exactly what’s happened to me and, i’m ashamed to say, more than once. and i went back every time. this is the first time i’ve gone no contact and it’s only been 24 hours. it hurts like crazy. we’ve been together so long and we worked at home so it was literally always the two of us together chatting every day. i’ve been the woman AND the woman in the wings all this time and now he’s not discarded me yet but telling me he’s met someone else that he may or may not stay with but maybe he and i can have another twenty years instead. i won’t be the consolation prize! and, since i’m out of the country right now, we’ve been chatting online like we have for as long as the internet has existed. yesterday he said something so cruel that i said ENOUGH and told him no more contact. i miss chatting to him so so much but i have to do this. i’ve been letting him hurt me, and hurting myself for far too long. thank you for this article.

  61. cathy

    i feel as though someone has scripted my life when i read these comments… i still cannot believe i fell for this. i certainly never will again and yes the addiction is something i will probably fight for a long time but i am
    well on the way to healing. At least i can see it now!

  62. My narc chose a heavy unattractive woman to replace me. I dont think he likes the competition of an attractive partner. Is this fairly common? Also i was much more successful in our shared profession. I felt like that really irritated him at times. I often wondered out loud if he even liked me because of the way he acted. He would assure me he loved me & blame it on overworking! HA!

    1. Melinda

      @Gigi…my ex-narc did the same. The woman he “replaced” me with was also heavy and unattractive.
      However, I think she has some good qualities and she is the one who took care of him while he was dying from cancer.

      All of the girls he cheated on me with were ugly (sorry, but it’s true). But I think that with this one, she has a very nurturing way about her and he liked that.
      She was thirsty for male attention and felt special because he “chose” her over somebody more attractive.
      I know that there is much more to life than looks, just in case anyone wants to say I’m shallow. But the fact is that he was a VERY superficial person. His family was obsessed with appearance, money, and status.

      They would always put me down and call me names and criticize my appearance…yet when I look back, I was absolutely gorgeous at the time.
      It’s just that I had very low self-esteem. I didn’t know that I was pretty because of all the bullying and abuse. And my “replacement” was this girl who wasn’t pretty, so it hurt and confused me even more.
      I know that character and personality are more important, but I’m kind to others in general, so it really hurt to be abused and discarded for somebody who was fat and homely AFTER he’d told me so many times that I was stupid, fat, etc. He wanted me to feel bad about myself.

      It’s not about the way you look. You can be smart, gorgeous, charming, have a perfect figure, a well-paying career, etc…it doesn’t matter.
      It’s not about beauty. It’s about the Narc finding somebody who feeds their ego. I think with Narcs who choose obese or unattractive women, they know that sometimes these women have a need to be loved and they will go out of their way to keep him.
      They feed off of each other. The Narc has new “supply” that makes him feel like a king, and the replacement finally gets to feel pretty and worthy of attention from a good-looking guy.

      I know it sounds like I’m bashing women with a certain body type, but that isn’t my intent. Some bigger ladies are very attractive.
      I’m specifically talking about the ones that the Narcs cheat with or replace their victims with.

  63. dina miller going through this as I Narc has cheated on me numerous times and I always let it slide. See I’m a people pleaser and an was target. I’m head over heels for this jerk and I don’t want to be. Everyone thought we made a good couple..he was my world,we both agreed everything was good until the end of 2013(it really wasn’t good)than an old GF from high school that he hadn’t seen or heard from in over 20yrs found him on FB..i saw their messages and she was coming on strong and she was married and had 3 kids..well he fell hook,line and sinker. Up until than he wanted me to hang out with him all the time we were best friends(I thought)they made a lunch date on Friday his day off when we normally always hung out..i ask what are we doing tomorrow and he said look I dont want you to come..i was crushed. Than he ask me to go with him to wash his truck like buddies again..he didn’t know I knew about his lunch date and he was washing it for his date! It hurt so bad and he could tell. Next day I ask him to drop me at a friends since he didn’t want to hang out(said he was taking truck to get fixed and wanted to be alone)he dropped me off and went on his date,found out later from her husband they met at the lake for a makeout session. Than he comes and picks me up and is so sweet and wants to take me to lunch! I never said anything because I was afraid he would leave! Wow! It gets worse from there so much worse but I kicked him out in Jan 2014 knowing he had been seeing her the whole time,he lived with me on my property..he begged to come back and told me how much he loved me blah blah blah..i let him come back..i can make myself think everything is good and so I did..supposedly he had no contact with her(she was trying to make I work with hubbie) didn’t work and she called him in Jan 2015 and I didn’t find out they were seeing each other until may when he was uncharacteristicly mean and hurtful and was living with me and her! Currently in seeing a great guy for a year and he is still with her but we text Dailey as friends..he has been wanting to spend weekends with me and I will say ok than blow him off..i have never said no to him and he is pissed and doing the silent treatment…i now know that he is a narc and probably never loved me(we were together 10yrs)we have some great memories and its so painful to think he knows he is killing me inside and doesnt care

  64. Rosalie

    This is exactly as it happened for me…and he tried to keep me around as the backup supply ….until I knew I had to get out of it and leave him to it. I know he will tire of her soon enough. They deserve each other…so good riddance.

  65. This is exactly right Kim! 100% what ended up happening to me. He was with his new supply within a week, and has already married straight after our divorce was final in a quick and cheap ceremony. They really do have a modius operandi and distinctive behaviour patterns.

  66. Melinda

    I won’t lie…I felt even worse after he moved on with her. He also had a child with her. But then I reminded myself that he was now HER problem.
    She would have to deal with all of the terrible things about him, including disrespect from his family and friends. Not my problem anymore.

    It also helped a little that she is much heavier than me and less attractive. Maybe that sounds shallow, but his family and friends would constantly insult me (they weren’t the most classy people).
    So I was somewhat relieved to see how much he downgraded. I was a size 4, I had a cute shape, and I looked way better than her. So this might sound catty but I would look at their pictures and laugh to myself. THAT was the best he could do? After all the crap they would say about my appearance, THAT was my “replacement”? I will never again be with anyone who tries to make me feel worthless and ugly.
    I was a beautiful woman and he was unworthy of me.

    He passed away not too long ago, so most of the pain has healed but I still have more work to do emotionally. Now that I’m older and wiser, I see that his intent (as it is with most narcissists) was to destroy my self-esteem.
    He tried to hurt me even more by flaunting this girl in my face and having a baby with her, but I’m still here…and he isn’t. I’m not saying that to be unkind, either, just making a point that karma is real.

    He was able to get away with mistreating me for a long time but it caught up with him in the end. I am proud that I never tried to retaliate against him, his girlfriend, his family or his friends.
    I stayed classy and tried to live my life despite the pain I felt inside. And you know what? I came out on top. My life is far from perfect and I struggle with many issues, but I’m still here and I can still appreciate the good things that come my way. I have a husband who dotes on me, I go on awesome vacations, and my family is healthy.
    Above all…I am a far more compassionate person than he was and that was something he could never take away from me. I understood real suffering, having grown up with an abusive stepfather, so my ex added to that pain.

    But now I choose to forgive him and pity the other woman because she is stuck raising a child on her own, while living under his parents’ roof.
    I know she felt special because he “replaced” me with her. But now what does she have? No, he didn’t leave her by choice; he died. But the fact is that they tried to hurt me by throwing their relationship in my face and having a child together, since he knew my painful experiences with being pregnant in the past.
    And then when he least expected it, he got sick and things fell apart. His family has always been about keeping up a perfect image but now they have to confront the truth that they aren’t perfect, and that we need to be careful how we treat other people in this life.

    He might have used and abused me, discarded me like trash…but I continue to live and breathe.

  67. Betty

    How did you know the exact details of my past relationship? Lol! It’s like you’re talking diectly to me.

    1. Betty

      Seriously, not one word of this article needs to be altered in order to describe exactly what I went through. I’ve met the new supply and she seems like a very, nice person. I feel bad for her.

  68. Lynda

    Kim, you are so on the mark with this. The narc even let his new victim contact me to bash me with all the crap he had filled her with about me.

  69. Grathella Brown

    Wow reading this article open my eyes that I am going through this right this moment. Thank you is all I have to say.

  70. Renee

    Did you sit in my house, as a fly on the wall and write this about my life? Thank you for simplifying things for me to share with others so they may understand what happened to me.

  71. I got involved with my first live almost list my husband n family over it. I was threatened with if I walked away he’d tell my family. Thousands of dollars was taken from me I believed he was in financial trouble n he wasn’t. He set me up with his wife and wife’s best friend who he gets to have a affair with its sick. She kept telling me stuff which I would confront him he’d lie tell me he was telling my kids n husband. His wife let’s him go with who ever he wants and let’s him sleep with her best friend sick I know but me he couldn’t come near me when I got fed up n told my kids n husband. I just thank God my husband and kids forgave me. Him I blocked a year ago I hear through the grape vines how great he’s doing n I guess he’s always posting pics of him n the girl his wife let’s him sleep with . It’s wierd cuz they say only certain things are public almost like he wants me to see. I don’t understand how someone would take so much from me n hurt me and just is as happy as can be. Everything he has in his house that I got him into is from me. It took me 4 years to get to a ok place I wanted to die. Why ? I believed him with all my heart. Sick I know. I blocked him a year ago in July and that helps but I still hear how good he’s doing it hurts not as much not even sure if it hurts it bugs me that he doesn’t care how bad he hurt me.

  72. sissy

    I have to say, after watching my ex-husband do this to me and several other women who he married and discarded, I’ve learned that it’s not us, it’s him. My last relationship was unfortunately the same thing. He actually tried to use the triangulation trip on me with another woman he said he had no interest in. She really gave it to me at one point. Well, I left him heart and soul and you guessed it, he’s with her now. The only vindication I will seem to derive from all of this is that he will leave her stunned when he moves on to his next victim. Oh and btw, he’s married too. His wife has been by his side for 27 years and he will never leave her because, after all, she tolerates all of the nonsense. We all need to heal from these treacherous people and the havoc they reek on our lives. Stick to your boundaries, we all know right from wrong, if it seems too good or seems wrong, it’s time to turn around and leave. Love isn’t being doubtful of your own self and own self worth. xoxo

  73. Kim your topics are right on! we ALL can relate in one way or another…

  74. Melly

    I asked my husband if he wanted to be in the marriage. He said ‘no’ because he said he’d been unhappy for a few months. He went to stay with a friend that night. The next day he comes back, all tears & saying he loved me & hadn’t given up on our marriage. I saw this as a good thing, it gave me hope becasue I still loved him.The date 01 June 15.
    I truly believed he may have been starting to suffer depression & told him to go stay with his friend for a few days to clear his head. I thought I was putting his welfare ahead of my own needs. This was the start of the end.
    For 2 weeks he was still telling me he loved me & that we’d be ok. Contact gradually stopped over the next 3 weeks. On 17 July I got a text ending our marriage. Not even the decency to phone me or talk to me – a text was all I was worth after 5 years of marriage.
    On 04 October he came round to get all his things. He told me he wasn’t coming back, he was happier & better on his own & that it was too late to save the marriage because he felt nothing. I asked him to talk to me but he simply loaded up the car he borrowed, handed me the house key & left. Again, he couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me.
    Approximately 3 weeks later I found out he was already living with his girlfriend (in the same area as me) & had been since mid-August (could have even been up to a month sooner). About the same time I also discovered that he had started texting her only 5 days out of the house. So before he had the decency to end our marriage he was already laying the ground work with her.
    I don’t know if he is a true narc but what he did, the way he did it, the small timeframe it took to go from ‘love’ to ‘nothing’ & the swiftness with which he moved on definately shows he has issues.
    It’s almost Christmas & I am trying to be strong & most days I now succeed, but having no true closure or answers means I have a tendancy to go round in circles & ask why I was not good enough, why did he choose her over me & a million other questions that question my worth.
    I see that I lost myself during our marriage because he had walked out early on & said he didn’t like confrontation, so I changed to accomodate him which meant my needs were not a priority to him or me. A mistake I hope never to repeat.
    Would I take him back? My head says I’d be a fool, but my heart says probably. However, I doubt he’ll ever put me in the position to have to decide because he’s washed his hands so completely of me.
    It is a sad world we live in when there are so many stories of betrayel & abandoment that can be found on the internet & it is becoming accepted as a normal practice.
    To all the women (& men) who have been discarded so callously, remember that we all deserve to be happy & that we are responsible for that happiness so don’t let them steal any more of it.

    1. Kim Saeed

      You are right, Melly. We all deserve to be happy. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. I truly wish you all the very best <3

  75. Nicole Greaney Cavan

    This is so true. Experienced all of this after getting involved with an older Scottish bank co-worker in my town. He is a nasty piece of shit. I now see what his ex wife went through. He blames everyone else and loves attention. He hasn’t real feelings. Friends warned me but I fell for the act. It has been hell on and off for the past few years. Walking on egg shells all the time. He lies and cheats but denies it all. Cutting him off will be difficult because of work but this time I want rid.

  76. Melissa

    This post really resonated with me today, thank you! Perhaps about two hours ago I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends, crying my eyes out, wondering aloud what the new girl has that I don’t? How come she’s allowed to follow him on instagram and he’s posted pictures of them together? (I was never allowed to follow him and his account “suddenly” went public two weeks ago. Nothing of me but lots of proof of lies he spun.) Lets be honest, I googled her and found out some information. All I could think was, “she drinks whiskey like him, she’s from Madrid (he’s wanted to go to Spain; it also happens to be my favorite place in the world); she’s a good cook (I’m vegan and he is not and living together and cooking in general was difficult), she lives in his neighborhood (we live in Brooklyn on opposite sides of Prospect Park and it takes 30 minutes by train to get to one another. He’s a very spontaneous person and if was sometimes difficult to meet up. If he decided to invite me at all)…” But then I thought about all the other girls before me who had similar qualities. He even broke up with a girl he described as the female version of himself! It’s not about US. WE ARE ENOUGH. The saddest part to me is I don’t wish him happiness, petty as that may be. And after 2.5 years together I (eventually) won’t want to know what’s going on in his life. I won’t be worrying if he calls his grandmother or mends his relationship with his mother. I won’t care if he stops doing cocaine and drinking less. I won’t be concerned if he’s using protection or not. He may have discarded me in the most cowardly and heartless manner but he also set me free.

  77. Heidi

    My relationship was on and off for 4 years. I tried so many times to move on – and he wouldn’t let me. Gave me so many reasons why I should give him another chance and I did. During our break ups, he would sleep with a girl that worked in the factory where he worked. It appears he would sleep with her and then come running back to me. When he decided to break up with me this final time – he told me he wanted to focus on himself and didn’t want anyone – including the factory girl. Three weeks later he was back with her. A girl completely opposite of me – party girl, sleeps around, loud/obnoxious – but yet I was the type of woman he “always wanted.” I fear I will never feel normal again.

  78. Rachel Bertram

    WOW……this is it! This is exactly what I have been through for the last 3.5 years! I met this guy on the internet, great guy, and he showered me with gifts, affection, and praise. Within 6 months to a year he began to fault find with me. He started to devalue me in ways that I have never had done to me before.
    Eventually he came to me in year 3 and said, “I think our relationship has RUN ITS COURSE. I want to move forward and want to live alone again. ( I moved in with him after 2 years and it went terribly south after that)
    After the discard he kept up his charade and kept me hanging on by giving me little morsels of attention. He also badmouthed me to his entire family making it look like I was the one with the issue and he needed to rid himself of me. When approached about this he denied every word. Eventually I moved out, and he STILL continues to give me a hug & Kiss when he sees me. Just to keep me engaged, and in his back pocket in case he needs “supply”……….or he can’t find anyone else to fool.
    This man was adopted twice in his life, one at birth and the second after his adoptive dad passed away. HIs father who raised him from 6 years on was not very loving toward him. He received very little affection, admiration, or affirmations that he was a good kid. This is what I wonder has been his problem all along.
    I am working my way through being done with him completely but I have loved my life with him other than his devaluation. I am independent and didn’t need all that much affection from him. He also never wanted to have sex…….he pushed me away a lot.
    Still, I am working my way through this last stage of ending it. Thank you for your insight……….it helps!!!!

  79. Aliya

    I have been married for 20 yrs with him for since I was 16
    Recently my husband and I separated he moved out and immediately I find out he was seen another woman he has always cheated I always made excuses for him thinking he is a good person he will change but I have Vernon a rollercoster for over 20 yrs
    Yes there were good times but other women seem to always come into play my story is much more than just these few points there are my kids who are emotionally hurt as well and a kid he made outside our marriage
    I know I am the blame for staying with him I just can’t seem to break free he moved out but he come back when he feel like he ” Misses me” I always fell for him and give him attention then the cycle starts all over again
    I’m so hurt after a life time with one man how do I let go ?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Aliya, honestly, it’s sheer determination and will-power. I was still in love with my Ex when I left him, but I knew he never changed and I desperately wanted a different life for myself and my children. I’m happy to say that we are happier than ever now 🙂

  80. Paula

    my first love, we’ve been friends for 7 years. Tells me I’m amazing, smart, beautiful, perfect…. Then turns cold… Finds out about a 28 yr old woman with a 5 yr old….(he’s 24, I’m 22) left me for older, classless woman , double my size and obviously insecure, she called me and said she’d drive 3,4 hrs to fight me at public event. Of course he didn’t let her fight me but I found out they were dating longer than what I knew. She knew about me the whole time and read emails, saw phone calls and text. I’m embarrassed and this my first love. He’s doing everything he said he’d do with me, with her

  81. Cristina

    Thank you so much for this article, Kim. I’ve definitely been having this question on my mind: What is it within us that makes us fear he will be a better man with “her” than he was with us? I know we shouldn’t worry about what the narc is doing with his new supply after discarding us, but I must admit it sometimes drives me crazy knowing he is with someone new and seemingly ‘happy’, when I am alone! I have still struggled with these feelings despite knowing what the inevitable outcome of their “relationship” will be. In my case I know my narc and his new girlfriend have already broken up and gotten back together at least once. They have been only dating for about 6 months or so. I will dwell on that fact hoping it is a sign that they will be over soon, just so I will feel some relief!! I know it shouldn’t matter either way how long they last. I know what he is and he is a mess whom I DON’T ever want to be back with anyways. I don’t even care if he finds another woman right after this one, but for some reason I just don’t want him to be with the one he discarded ME for. Does anyone else feel this way? I guess it would just be some sort of confirmation that he truly is a narc/player that can’t have a healthy relationship with ANYONE, so I could take it less personally and get to the next step of healing. I have been NO contact with him for months now. Oh, and of course he has hoovered… but less and less lately… which is GOOD. Just that fact alone should help me to feel less anxious cause he has professed his (false) “love” for me while still with her. I’m sure she would just LOVE to know that! It was driving him crazy that I finally stopped responding to his nonsense after having fallen for it for 5 years. These guys are all the same and a total waste of any more of our thoughts… yet I am still having problems getting him and the fact that he is with her out of my head. I know I should be trying harder to focus on more positive things at this point yet my brain keeps wanting to go over the details again and again to somehow justify it is truly HIM and not ME,… and that I have lost NOTHING!

  82. Mary

    This is me! I was with my ex boyfriend for 7yrs, we have to boys together.. Since the beggining of our relationship he cheated on me,beaten on me, abused me emotionally and verbally: tells me I’m ugly,fat, i didnt dress like before ect..he always cheated on me with so many different woman, even with some of my friends. He uses drugs and alcohol. I got an std by him when i was pregant with my 2nd child.He has always been in & out of jail & even deported more than 3 times back to mexico. I’ve always tired to leave him, but he new exactly how to get me back : he’ll beg and stalk me, call me 1,000xs, even contacted my family members to talk to me. I’ve always go back to him thinking he’ll change for me & his children, but over time he’ll just get worst!! & i was always left feeling stupid and wishing that i would of left him the first time. It was a cycle that kept on happening again and again. Recently on july 2014, he was coked & drunked out and started hitting me & chocking me, it got so worst that a knife was involed the fight. I broke it off with him that night and the next day he begged me & cried that he would change again.. I didnt go back to him.. Just a month later i find out he’s living with his new girlfriend 1 hr away from here.. And he still kept on begging me to go back to him, that he didnt love this new girl, and just wants her to forget about me, and telling me that he’ll leave her & come back to me. On Nov 2014 he was arrested and charged with a felony of drug charges & was sentenced to 4 months in jail. Throughout those 4 months he sent me letters every week telling me that he loves me and that when he gets out he’s goin to get back his family ect. In March 2015 he came out & told me that he wants me back and he’ll change himself & he’ll do anything to get me & his family back, that he’s not even with this girl..and i ignored everything. All of a sudden i started to feel sympithy for him & even checked out his FB and the new girl’s too. She has pics of them together & all lovey- dovey and they look happy. So i was confused to what he was telling me and seeing the opposite on social media, but it was not the first time i been through this with another girl.. But now im caring if he’s actually happy with her? & if he’ll change for her? Is he treating her better than how he treated me? Has she seen the cracks on him? Will he cheat in her? They only have been goin out about 8 months but half of that time he was in jail, so in reality like 3 1/2 months.Idk why all of a sudden i care about this other girl. I feel like i miss him and love him and i always think about him, i even cry almost everytime in the shower that why is this happening to me? What did i do to deserve this pain while he’s all happy & im just stuck here lookin stupid. What if he really changes now? I feel like im never goin to get over him, that im never goin to find some else in the future.. Everytime i go out with my kids i see couples with children having a good time & i get really sad thinking that could of been us..or when i see couples kissing and all of that, i get sad and angry because i imagine him with his new girl like that.. Idk what is up with me i feel like im goin crazy! And loosing me mind.. I thought i was mature but being like this makes me think im really weak. I dont feel attractive at all. I dont doll up, i dont go out with my friends, i dont do crap bc i dont feel motivation and i feel kind of depressed in some points.. Can you plz give me advice plz.

  83. Marie

    I am currently going through the discarding phase. My Ex “N” has been trying to feed me with his “I miss you’s and I miss my family” I have instilled the “No Contact” and he has finally moved out of his current location and in with his new supply. It’s so hard seeing it all play out in front of your face. He seems so happy now and it really looks like he’s finally changed for the better. I feel like maybe I should’ve done something different.

    1. Shawn

      Marie – don’t buy into anything that’s happening with him. It is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. You can’t see it now, but you are much better off without him. I promise. I have been exactly where you are. I’m now 17 months free. As you read and research and talk to other survivors and remember what happened…the conversations…the sick feeling…the gut screaming at you…as it begins to add up, you will start to know that even though it hurts, you are much better off without him. No good comes from these relationships. Hang out long enough and this house of cards will collapse too.

  84. Katie

    After 15 years of marriage, which included affairs, lies, physical and mental abuse, I left him a little over a year ago, taking our 14 year old daughter with me. He would pop back in to my life, on and off, and gave the impression that there may be some hope. Even at this point, I was pretty convinced he was a narcissist, but every time he came around, that same old *(^%^ that he pulls made me think he was changing. So around July or August, I had a feeling he was involved with this woman he works with. I wasn’t sure, but you know the feelings you get, right? From that point until around November 1, I didn’t see or hear from him much, except in matters concerning our daughter. But then things changed, he really turned on the charm and made lots of comments about a possible future together, that he changed, he has always love me, blah, blah, blah. There was something off. He became even more secretive than usual with his cell phone, never letting it out of his sight while he was at my apartment. Would go out of his way to make sure that I didn’t have any pictures of him on my Facebook for anyone to see, and would never let me call him at work because they have “phones off” policy during work hours. This went on with us being in contact every day, dates on Friday nights, you know, like we were working on things. Two weeks ago I made an offhand comment about the other woman…. nothing mean just a little flippant… he freaked out and said unless I apologized to him for that, he didn’t want to hear from me. And I said, ok, well when you apologize to me for 15 years of bullshit, I’ll think about it. At that point I made up my mind that no contact was it from here on out. I was so good. Over a week and nothing. Then out of the blue (on a Friday) he invites me out for the following night. I did not reply. Then the following Sunday, the most amazing thing happened. For some reason, when he got his new work phone, the Notes on the phone were set up to sync with my daughter’s email address. He was unfamiliar with iPhones, so I’m sure he had no idea. My daughter comes to me with her phone in hand and says “I think this is a note to Debbie (the OW).” What I saw was an outline he had made of an email to her, basically saying that she was whore, that he should have known better when she told him that she had slept with half the police force in our town, that she pays too much attention to her dog… all these really nasty things, but then ends the letter telling her how much he loves her “so Goddamn much” is what he said. And also adding that he loves NO ONE ELSE but her. Can you believe it? So my last text (ever) to him was enclosing that note that I found and telling him never to contact me again, that he makes me physically ill. Now I have no money, because he has not been helping. My friends said “start a Go Fund Me account.” I did that on Wednesday morning. I enclosed the note I got from him. I made it public so he could see it on my Facebook page and all his friends could too. (Her too, hopefully). Within 10 hours, I had $1,500.00 (more than enough for my divorce) and a party we’re going to have afterwards. I am walking away from this man and never turning back. I feel better than I have in years. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, food tastes better!! I know there will be highs and lows in the months to come, but I am on my way. I have spent a lot of time on this site and I want to thank you for your invaluable information on these soul sucking bastards. I’m on my way.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Katie, I’m just seeing this comment you left a few months ago. I hope my reply finds you moving forward and healing. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad your FundMe campaign went as well as it did, and I hope you continue to experience success on your healing journey.

  85. Alison

    I have been in a pychologically abusive relationship with my ex bf for the past 12+ years and have in the interim, gone back and forth, more than one can imagine. Let me assure you, that through the years, the abuse and treatment gets WORSE and more intolerable, however, I was too broken in self-esteem, confidence, and a lost of self identity to realize the truth. Initially, I thought it was a match in heaven, then, shortly after, it was about his control; my needing to be available at his beck and call, calling me 10 times in a row if I am not home, and my daughter had to answer the phone, answering my cell by the first ring, otherwise, he would rage and swear and be accussatory, giving up my friends, not being able to even talk with a male friend and my life evolve totally around him. We broke up for awhile, but saw each other. He would ask me out, but tell his friends that I was initiating calls to him because I was lonely so he felt sorry for me and took me out. He would try to pursue other women, but made me believe otherwise. I believed him. We went back and all the things he did before, he stopped, so I thought he changed. I was totally wrong! He used other tactics, more emotionally devastating and cruel. He began to fault me for everything, kept a calendar when I complained (I asked him to say ‘Please’ instead of commanding me to do things; just trying to voice my opinions or concerns) but if if it didn’t align with his thinking, he was outraged and had to punish me with the silent treatment, angry looks, avoidance, hurtful remarks. He was charming in the public, but at home, behind closed doors, he was wicked, mean and devastatingly hurtful. He played mind games with me and contradicted what he would say, and was very secretive about himself. His punishment would get worse and for an extended amount of time. Who does these things? He couldn’t express any of his feelings, was addicted to the computer until 2am daily, and told insignificant lies, when it was not even logical to do so. His actions and behavior was so inhumane. I was so scared of him; he seemed so unapproachable, looking mad all the time that I was walking on eggshells. Just to ask a question, sometimes, it took me a couple of weeks to think, how will I approach him and I had to chose and pick my words. I feel in such a depression that I became almost suicidal because he would tell me, if only I did this or didn’t do this to get him so angry. He would buy me a gift, then later find reasons to demand the gift back because I wasn’t deserving of the gift, which made my cry. He demanded me to say sorry, whether I was right or wrong. I couldn’t even close the door to the bedroom, otherwise, he would get mad. His final discard was so brutal that it left me shell shocked. He didn’t speak to me for months, avoided me at all cost, and for a split second, he did something somewhat cordial, which I thought, the relationship was getting better. But, he would revert back to his seemingly cruel ways. I was so miserable, that I mustered some strength to get out, since he told me ‘I want you out and you just won’t leave.’ You see, he’s kicked me out of his house so many times, that it became a normalcy and then he would say I got him so mad, that I made him say these things. When I told him I left because he told me to get out, he said ‘I never said that. It was your choice to leave, so now, we’re done. I don’t want to live with you anymore; I’m breaking up.’ I read about narcissism and finally realised, it’s not my fault and learned of his flawed and devious characteristics. It’s still a struggle, as I try to rebuild my self esteem and worth and indentity. He, on the other hand, has been on the prowl to find another woman, and have been seen with other women and out and about, seemingly happy.

  86. I left my boyfriend of 4 years on the 2nd of January. He’s always been a guy to fool around with no strings attached, drink, and hang out with friends.

    Almost two years ago we had a son together. Our first child. Things finally got better when I became pregnant. He started to turn his life around. Of course before becoming a mother, I had a petite body, I had clear skin long hair and curves. After my son I chopped my hair off to my shoulders, gained a couple pounds, and had tummy stretch marks.

    We used to diet and exercise together. I was going to school and working, he was just working. Then he eventually wanted to start going out again, drinking, not being home till 3am while I’m at home with baby.

    We always fought because I was sick of him thinking he can have his cake and eat it too. Finally I decided I’d accept him going out that at least he comes home to me. Once I gave him that space, he cheated on me with a girl he knew I didn’t get along with (Novemeber 2014). I forgave him and stuck around. Through the name calling, physical abuse, and put downs. Eventually, I had assumptions again that he was cheating. Turns out, it’s with a girl we work with who again both her and I don’t get along (December 2014). He kept denying it but my friend from work kept telling me just a couple days ago that he’s sorry for not telling me, I just looked so happy with him so he didn’t want to be the one to hurt me by telling the truth of him cheating on my days off.

    Well now, then two are hanging out, taking pictures and posting them online, and although I should just move on, even though I can’t cut off all contact for the sake of our son, but I feel like he yes sees meal ticket but he just sees it as a way to really get under my skin for dumping him. I mean he doesn’t even show he cares that we aren’t together. It’s almost like he’s so happy and that kills me. I’m also afraid to see him in love and happy with another woman. I feel lost and I’m already begging for his “love” again ??

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out.

      While I don’t know all the details of you or your ex, typically when this happens, one’s fear of abandonment has been triggered and their inner child rises to the surface. It’s possible that you are craving validation, love, acceptance, and approval, but you won’t get those things from him.

      You did the right thing in dumping him. In fact, you are leagues above him. The best thing to do is delete him from any online social media accounts you have so you won’t see the pics. Most of his online activity is, in fact, designed just for you. Take that power away from him by deleting him.

  87. Shawn

    Thank you for this post. I was a transitional target, which is just unbelievably painful. Its taken me so long to get perspective. He got me to break up with him and then he blocked me on everything. I found out that after a few months we have the capacity to block people on social media who have us blocked. So when his new supply ended he couldn’t come back. I’m glad as hell I did that. I know what he is, but I also know that I loved him. The illusion he fabricated had me wrapped. He can never be allowed in my life in any way, shape or form again. The hardest part is the number of friends, or so-called friends, I lost because of his abuse. I am truly amazed at how people don’t care, don’t want to hear it, and will turn their back on a victim. I hope the one thing I take away from this is that if someone reaches out for help, that I will reach back and help them. No one deserves to have to try and walk through this alone. Thank you for being one who reaches out to help people.

    1. Shawn, again, your words resonate so much for me. As if the pain of being discarded and realizing what your “relationship” really was, the loss of so many friends, which I, too, have experienced, feels like the psychopath’s “gift that keeps on giving”, or the wound that keeps on cutting. Losing so many friends whom I introduced him to! because of the triangulation and smear campaign is one of the worst pains to endure. It’s as if the world has conspired against us to keep us isolated and unhappy. I’m so sorry that you’re enduring it, too. My heart truly goes out to you, as with all survivors.

      1. Shawn

        ohhihello – thank you for your reply. You are exactly right. The “gift.” Thank goodness we are strong and are focused on healing. One day, we will have our lives back and, I pray, not think about them anymore.

  88. Reblogged this on My Blackhole and commented:
    This post has really helped me as I can relate to every single word. Every woman (or man) dealing with a narcissistic ex should follow Kim Saeed. Recovering from abuse seems to be a daily trial for me, and as I lapsed today – I turned to her blog for support. Be reassured that it’s not you, and the new supply he cheated on you with – will not last.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you so much for reading my blog and for sharing. It’s truly an honor!

  89. I keep rereading your blogs, because they are so helpful to know other people are going through a similar thing. And I can relate to all your posts so much. Thank you for helping so many people when they are going through a really rough time. If anyone else is like me – it really feels like you hit rock bottom, and your spirit is destroyed (not just your heart.) Still really hurting about an ex-boyfriend who cheated, was verbally and finally physically abusive. He definitely fits the Narc traits and is a total charmer. I can’t believe I love him still, but I do. I wish I could stop feeling loyal somehow. I need to not look on social media, because I saw photos of him being happy with someone he cheated on me with. Broke my heart. He’s a big community leader and volunteer so it’s not like he’s a shmuck. Just to me. 🙁

    1. BJarnes I feel so much of what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry that you endured physical abuse on top of all of the rest. At least you’re physically safe now. I was very good about being fully no contact, including no social media, but slipped up and am paying the price for it, as I literally felt a tight grab in my chest seeing the endless pictures of them together, when there had only ever been one of us together. Of all the places he takes her to, the endless adorable posting they do back and forth, which he never did with me, how to everyone, he is THE best man in the world and all of her friends keep wishing that he could be cloned because he’s so incredibly wonderful. How people who used to be my friends chose him over friendship with me, and whom I can’t share things with anymore. Like you, I don’t see how this monster, like yours, who enjoyed the emotional and psychological abuse thrown at me every single day. can appear to the world and his current obsession as so damn perfect. Because he does. They’ve been together over a year and it seems the mask hasn’t slipped. And may never?

      I did notice, though, that he’s already started to focus on two other probably side targets, paying very specific attention to them, fluffling them up for future use, if not already doing so. It’s as though this is my only solace in knowing what he is, to see this. Otherwise I’m left feeling that I was the problem all along; I was the failure, I was a disappointment for this oh-so-perfect man.

      I need to get away from social media altogether. This is tearing me up.

      1. Lou

        I have recently gone through a very similar thing myself! My ex and I split 18 mths ago! I endured physical, emotional, mental abuse! He had lots of ex GF he was in touch with as well as others!
        He moved his new victim in 9 mths after we split! As we have 2 kids I can’t have full NC! He drummed into my daughter head his new victims name and I foolishly looked her up on FB. I was gutted seeing pictures of her draped all over him! We never had any pics together! There was even pics of them at the same place he took me on our first time away! I have to listen to how lovely she is and all the plans he has to marry her etc! I could not eat for weeks or sleep, I felt like crap on his shoe even though I’d dumped him!
        But I kept reading and have only just begun to feel better! I don’t know why but the way I see it the REALITY is HE IS A ABUSER and is capable of deceiving and hurting people in the most awful cowardly ways! It’s his pathology, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour! She only has what I didn’t want and am now glad to be rid off! You deserve to be happy and that what love is supposed to make us feel!
        Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve, it’s took me 18 mths to feel slightly Human again! You will too

  90. I am having trouble moving past how he made me feel about myself.

    I’ve been casually seeing a younger guy who is gorgeous. Sweet, has a lot going for him, and this time last year, I’d have laughed if someone told me this guy would even look at me more than two secs. Every time this guy is coming to spend time with me, I am criticizing myself and thinking that this will be the time when he sees that I am really not good enough for him. I haven’t told him this, but if I even hint that I think it, he’s like “you’re goofy, you’re so pretty and a great mom, what are you talking about?”

    I know I need to stop and realize that if this guy wasn’t attracted to me, he wouldn’t want to be with me. But I cannot stop thinking that I am not good enough because I didn’t want to live at the gym, etc etc etc. And that he just hasn’t looked at me closely enough yet.

  91. Vonnie Marine Knox

    I’m in a very bad spot with 2 children at home a son 11 years of age and a daughter who is 9 years of age.
    I’m so scared of the things I’ve seen my husband do to others including our children and myself …its the most brutal form of abuse I’ve felt I was raped and held captive at gun or knife point ,physically beaten at times and shot at I couldn’t even put these experiences in the same category as the narcissistic abuse I’m currently living with.
    I have managed to not be a hstfull little person or someone who wants others to hurt because I have, this has tested my faith and at times questioned my God. All of my family have left my children and i alone choosing to take his side …my children are so afraid of him they won’t say a word ……help

    1. Kim Saeed

      Vonnie, I would advise you to contact the nearest Domestic Violence center and devise an exit plan. Here is a link to help you get started:

      Most Domestic Violence centers should be able to provide you with transitional housing until you can get on your feet. Find the number for the center in your area, tell them your situation, and ask them to help you with leaving. They may also help you arrange a police escort, if necessary, if you fear for your safety.

      I would also recommend that you ask them if there are any resources for therapy. You and your children will need it.

      I hope you will follow my advise. This is really the only hope you have for escaping your situation.

  92. justnothappy

    hi i just wanted to share my story. I have been in a 13 year relationship. He was 19 and i was 22 when we started dating. He has help me raise my sister and brother, we have a nice home that we where buying that only has my name on it! He seemed to be the prefect man for me. untill I found out tht he nolonger wants to be in a relationship. He has been talking to a ton of women everyday! one of them he talks to 5xs a day for hours. I Have tried to talk to him he only want to play me off i told him to get out 3 weeks ago. He will not come and get his clothes. He also paid the mortgage for the the month of Jan. 2015. so now im not understanding what this is. He clearly has other places he can spend the night at. the funny thing is one of the other women have called me and played on my phone. I called him and asked him y was some girl calling me he said he didnt know what i was talking about and tht he misses me and can he come home! I told him no but he can come and get his items and he just hangs up the phone and will text and says he loves me and misses me!! Im so lost PLEASE HELP ME!!!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Justnothappy, these are all very common behaviors of a Narcissist.

      Regarding his clothes, you’d be better off to pack them up in a plastic tub that can be sealed and deliver them to where he is staying, or leave them on your porch or in your garage and tell him to pick them up (preferably when you won’t be home). They are notorious for leaving their stuff at an Ex’s house so they can have an excuse to come back over.

      He paid the Jan mortgage in order to make you feel guilty and obligated. I assume you normally pay it?

      He clearly has no plans for being faithful. He is simply trying to keep you in queue. Don’t mistake this to mean that’s what you deserve. You deserve much better, and it would be in your best interest to maintain No Contact…and block him from being able to call you.

  93. Tricia

    Dear, dear Kaylie, how I feel for you. Your heartfelt posts made me weep.
    I have been there – twice – with the same toxic narcissist, with a 30 year gap!!! The second time, after not seeing or hearing from him for over 30 years, was even worse than the first, when I was 22.

    I wrote about it earlier (Dec 6). He is now with my ‘best’ friend. Still. As far as I know. But I don’t want to know. It comes into my mind now and then. I just shake my head and feel so sorry for them. I often want to contact my ‘friend’ to warn her. It won’t do any good, I know. She must learn this lesson herself.
    Because it IS a lesson we must learn. We have to change our mindset. It is difficult after a lifetime of repeated patterns but it is possible and if we don’t do it now, it will repeat…and repeat…

    Going ‘cold turkey’ is the only place to start. (I gave up smoking 32 years ago and this was the only way to do it! It worked. Even now I still get a faint nostalgia if I smell someone lighting up. If I succumbed, I’d be hooked again). NC. NC. NC….!!!!

    You do not need anyone to affirm your ability to love. You have done it! With each Narcissist. That’s why you are suffering now. You were so good at giving unconditional love they simply wallowed in it. But, it takes 2. Once you realised there was no reciprocal feelings (and we do feel it, even if it’s sub-consciously), the common response is to try to grab it back, becoming a ‘needy’ and ‘clingy’ personality….something that can seem so alien to us ‘balanced’ souls!!! We can hate ourselves for it. But N’s hate it even more. Can’t cope with it. It means ‘commitment, empathy, talking, understanding’…everything they have no capacity for in their stunted emotional selves. So the cycle goes on.

    We should never have to have someone else give us permission to accept and love ourselves. N’s hate themselves deep down because they don’t know real love. We want to ‘help’ them to discover it within themselves. We believe we can sift through the layers of their souls and find that basic emotion. Sadly, we can’t. It is sites like this that confirm that over and over. Even psychologists often can’t.

    It has been said by many others, but I will say it again, fill your life with good things. You have work. Be with the right friends. Learn new things. Go for walks in the country. Walk barefoot! Learn to say No to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Build boundaries with people….(not brick walls!)…but decide what you can/can’t tolerate. Above all try to be positive in your thinking. Small steps. Each day. Remember what you have, not what you don’t have.

    Yesterday, someone said ‘If you were given loads of money would you change your friends, family, hobbies…etc.?’ No. Perhaps house, car but not those important, life-affirming experiences….and certainly not my dog!!! He is my very best friend!

    In a few months time you will be so thankful to be out of his life. Forever.

    By working on yourself, you will attract like-minded people into your life. People who make you happy because you make them happy. I have my own business and sometimes get panicked about where the next order will come from! (Common amongst us self-employed!). But my experience and mantra is ‘Do something. Anything. Positively’. I push….something…and that door doesn’t open…I try something else….no result….then…a new door that I never saw…suddenly opens….and orders from an unknown source come along! Back in business!!

    Same in everyday life. I promise. It can just be a stranger you fall into conversation with… article you read by chance….I don’t believe in ‘co-incidence’, I think these things happen for a reason! Because you want them to.

    Love and hugs to you, Tricia.

  94. Kaylee

    Hello Kim, interesting Blog congrats! and very helpful

    I wrote another comment but didnt got here…

    I need help. Im in the middle break down. Long story short similar with others here… Me ditched like never existed, new Target supply…all over social media…but this is not the only part..she seems like Psychopath herself. and he seems very much “in love…

    It breaks me down because December used to mean something to “Us” if there ever was US you know… best and worst moments..had with him were in December

    I was Idealised , triangulated with another girl, on again off again, was with her then I decided to call it off even deactivated my FB. Of course tremendous guilt. Found out about Narcisism…. knew before, cause I was exposed long time before to those in my family to PDisorderes enough!

    Thats why I think I chose HIM…if I made him to love me…it was like great challenge ultimate desire of Child of Narcisists you know? the fairy tale…… deep seated desires of inner be loved by the Unlovable..aggressive ill tempered

    Thing is, I think it finnally sinked into me…especially in my heart (though I think I dont know if I have one left in me after so many blows…. My own mother is Narcisist has more than tendencies…aggressivity abuse all checked. But I firmly believe that my Father is Cover Psychopath….not so extrovert as her rather covert, but with lot of dysfunctional

    Anyway…after long years of back and forth…I thought he was my “soulmate” bhahaha what joke…he destroyed so much of me I cant even…Idealise , then turn tables, then stupid, ugly handicapped, then replaced completely. ditched

    Of course YOU LOSE YOUR MIND!

    You feel so lonely in the process of recovery, and many reach all sorts of phases…. because NPD is still such misunderstood concet and Psychopaths are SO good at pretending that they are good “intended” people..that they charm a lot of people experts judges.. But I KNOW…HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW..

    And he is such Sadist… mind games cant even imagine… evrything I wanted now gives to another like “she” is the ultimate queen…when in fact she nothing of that, just another someone…Actress in his Movie..or her own crazy movie XD lol

    Yeah… I really need help this time. Ive had episodes when broke me down , but now…I admit it was all my fault because I went back to check on him, old stuff and profiles… and got very hurt, bruised. and angry..just starting with angry but honestly Im fabulous mess..

    I loved him so much…gave him so much…and that is the way you treat someone? EVEN IF you never loved or respectedbut who DOES THAT?? Except malignant Narc Psychopath ?? of course

    It got point where he treated me so so bad…. but got me so dependent and broken that I could not be without him, like an addiction. But still LOOK, I broke free…I got 2 jobs, friends…had no reason to go back to the insanity.

    Except that I was triggered, you know holidays..December that meant a lot to me.. not him seems. Because actually we were in “relationship” with our own idealised Version Perfect Man…they were never THAT man…just mirrored US

    But he seems pretty struck by that girl… and it kills me that he could and can treat me so cold ,like a Terrorist! When all I did was love him, more than myself…more than anyone really in life…and he took everything and left me for…2 dollar Pornstar? chick really?? such an idiot XD

    Do you know or have any tips on how can I deal with this…to get out of this state sooner? I used to do sports but lately I kinda didnt… some program, Meditation anything… a support group would be great!

    Will read more of your blog!

    Thanks for reading! help,


    I am tired of hurting myself and I dont wanna hurt myself ..worse this time because of him much worse.. because I feel this phase wont lead me well so thats why I reach out to you in hopes that maybe

    I feel like such an Insane person, I know its just a phase but its unbelivable how much it can get to you…. and its obvious why….when you love you are VULNERABLE something that is very FAR away from the Ass*oles Narcisists because Intimacy scares them!

    Are the ultimate obsolete Cowards…. they would rather push frustrations Anger Hate onto YOU (consciously!) than look inside…. and I still ask if they are capable of love?? who is capable of real love and could behave like this ?

    Never been on Meds but I feel I would need them now. if you have any advice Id gladlly read it! Thanks!

    I want to get better and heal for good…from Narcisism toxicity…a lifetime Im getting tired and weak with my health.

  95. Kaylie

    Hy Kim and Congratulations for your blog!

    It is resourcefull site and very very useful. Bumped into it while searching (again) for reasons why …. did I had to endure crap all my life from As*holes and Narcisists

    Ive been “officially” discarded like almost 2 years ago, but it wasnt full NC … but almost. Im not even sure I should call it relationship, because that happens between 2 people, and what happened with Me and N was very one sided, so you might as well say you were “relationship” but all by yourself. it feel more accurate

    I like that in this post you dont refer to us just as Victims, or dumb vulnerable Victims exposed to this and that….NO we are not that…we are Strong Empathic Intelligent creatures… funny how many have lots of degrees, or have normal families (some) in my case I had some history with PDisordered early, so I was arleady exposed to that.

    Long story short…. I found this in the middle of break-down.. because as I said I was thrown away like toilet paper and never heard from him, unless I was the one making Contact…so after years on off, explanation was probably “Bored as in lot cases….but aside from that, he seems to have found”long looked for love of his life” so I was discarded and forgotten. How nice, right?

    Anyway hes not new to this, history of cases like these… triangulation alll symptoms, putting you PTSD cause thats what I think Im going through right now..back and forths, games , turning the tables whenever it suits him to feel “in control”…Abuse his favorite part…. and finnally the silent treatment

    Lovely. I went strong 2014, and last year after the wasnt the first time but things got worse and worse. I completely turned my Life around though after periods deep Mind F…and depression and all the lovely stuf, anger and all sorts. I became a pretty hard to stand person for people around me, but in the same time much much Stronger and ..did not take anyones sh*t anymore

    I met along my journey lot of great great people that shaped me, helped me and gave me Confidence… to whom I feel very grateful <3 … and I hope that they will stay also in my future

    Thing is …one of biggest Mind F that He applied to me was in December…and also then we had some great stuff Memories …you know they have pleasure mixing Good and Bad to F U in the head even more cause they are "Invincible" can do anything while we are inferior suckers who just happen to love them. Right? 😀 right

    And I was busy busy 2014.. I had a LOT glorious great moments and periods…I plan to make them again. but you know the saying when things go too Ok, I gotta ruin them!

    And that s what I did!

    I forgot to tell, I am (almost) Adult Child Survivor of Narcisistic Family… not all of them but most of them have traits…pretty difficult people to stay in Contact with without getting an Insult in conversation, or be made to feel "stupid worthless or inferior.

    I kept long periods of being NC with them…I tried very very Hard there were periods when I thought I wasnt gonna make it…I had SOO much edge in my life and Ive been and seen TOO much ..dysfunctional , but I did not let that…take me underground neither THEIR ugly destroy me…completely.

    But there are times like these when ..I feel I cant make it anymore on my own, that is the reason I reached out here. do you have or know any support groups? I used to be member of some but I lost touch and here I am again… 😀

    Coming back to why am I here… I was discarded and it hurt me lot, but beyond that…his cruelty sadism. and the fact that can treat people like objects thrown away like never existed :|… and that is NOT all

    The girl he replaced me with..Im guessing shes another Psychopath Narc… and you know the story all over social media, they have picture perfect" thing but I KNOW much of is fake, because they live for appearance do they?

    I dont know…. if you can answer me give me your opinion on what could help me out of my state… would appreciate very much

    Thing is, I knew what it was, how he is and its my fault because I looked on the old profiles..but its the same story "everything I wanted he gives to HER and treats her like Queen while seems to completely forgot that I exist… and this got to me especially since December was so important to "us" right)…. and I fell again

    even though I had no reason , I have 2 jobs was going very very well on all plans..even too well. But there were triggers and I am human …and often forget that he is NOT..

    Thanks for reading!


  96. Jana

    I am so needing validation right now. Please help me!! The man I was seeing left me..after 4.5 years, to go back to his ex wife # 3. He had been living with ex wife # 2 until late Sept. when he finally left her, moved to another state to live with his brother and his family. During this time, he called me constantly, he began drinking again and was calling me drunk, professing his love for me and we began to make plans. I was going to join him after the first of the year. One night in late Oct. he called me drunk outta his mind and crying and yelling and just uncontrollable. We talked for about 30 mins..he sang our song to me, said he loved me like crazy and couldn’t wait for us to be together. This was on a Wednesday night. I got one text later that night that said only..”F***kin cry babies!” I assumed he and his brother had gotten into an argument. And waited till morning to text back….I texted all day, called all day..and nothing..not one word from him. Finally on Friday morning, he texted to tell me he had left his brothers and was now with his 3rd ex wife and was going to stay with her. I called him and he would not answer the calls, he kept texting telling me to quit trying his mind was made up, but that when he said he loved me he meant it. All in the world I can surmise from this is that he needed a place to go…so he conned her. He treated her so badly (I have since learned) during their 4 year relationship and 5 month marriage. Why in the world she took him back is beyond me. They have been divorced 6 years….after their divorce he did go back to the 2nd ex wife for the six years, tried to commit suicide by hanging and a lot of other stuff. Please tell me that I am right in time he will do to her again what he did before? I want to know that I am right about what a loser he is…I truly don’t wish any harm to this woman. I think he has strung her along all these years.. She is the one who kicked him out before and divorced him. Am I just being weird here..or is there something to my assumption’s??? Thank you! P.S. I haven’t spoken one word to him since he did this….I put NC into place right then.

  97. Anonymous

    I need help.. I’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for the past year. I;m only 20 years old, he’s 4 years my senior. When we first got together, I thought we were going to be perfect. He was nice and sweet and attentive but I began seeing some warning signs. He’d say things to me like “just completely let go and just fall for me with everything you have” and “I feel like I’m in competition with your mom”
    As time went on, things only got worse.. he demeaned me, made fun of really personal things I opened up to him about, and just generally would disregard my feelings when I told him how upset or sad I was over thinking. He’d either accuse me of overreacting or get mad and yell at me. One particular ex kept coming up as well, and it’s an ex that would contact him to try and see him and go out with him. Every time I confronted him about certain situations, evidence would disappear and I would feel crazy.
    Now, it’s worse than ever. He makes me feel terrible about myself and I cry constantly, but I’m always the one apologizing. Just recently he liked pics of his ex after I told him how it made me feel, and it’s been a 3 day fight. I have no idea if he’s seeing/talking to this girl or not (part of me has no doubt he is for some other type of affirmation) but it’s killing me inside. It’s making me feel like I’m not enough, or good enough, or worthy enough and I know he won’t stop contacting her.
    I have no idea how to get away. I’ve tried a few times and was pretty confident in doing so, but each time, I went back to him. he treats me like a door mat and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m finding myself more and more on edge and I feel constantly angry and annoyed and mad at everything and everyone EXCEPT him.
    I really don’t know how to get out of this. I have no friends and don’t do much except go to the gym, go to work, and go home unless I’m seeing josh. I feel like I’m damned if I do, and completely alone if I don’t.

  98. Kyla

    Thank you so much! My “boyfriend” up and changed his number one day. No explanation. Nothing. He was married/separated. It hurt like hell. Couldn’t breathe. Eat. Work…
    A month exactly after he cut off contact he messaged me. I told him he broke my heart. His response, “I broke my own into pieces.” Being very evasive. Didn’t answer any of my questions. I knew then he was someone I should stay far away from.
    I had no idea he was this person. He is back w his wife. I’m certain. Why does she stay w him? She knew about me. I think she suggested he change his # so they could work on their marriage.
    A piece of me wants this hurt to go away and be back w him, but I just can’t go through all that again. “Supply” and demand… Lol at least I can joke about it. Thanks again!

  99. wilderbeast

    Hi I read a lot and all the stories I read hit everything dead on please if anyone can give me words of hope.. my story has a lot of twist met a man online the beginning friends he was six year younger then me after we started having sex he was always coming bye we smoke pot laughed watch movies I went away to visit family he was to watch my cat that when it started I came home and busted him calling a girl who said she was his girlfriend she told me he said I was his drug dealer and I was in shock I had just gotten out of rehab and back in school and I was a dominated for work so but am a empath this horror has changed my life I can’t even get into details so I’ll make a list of damage he has done to me … I a, scared for my life I am very depressed and if he comes back again well I can’t take it from the start I catch him and he beat me up beat me till I was hospitalized on several o casinos he also changes his number has secret apartments and cheats openly when I tried to break it off I a very pretty I can have any man I want we never kissed he said he didn’t like kissing and made me feel ashamed that I was only good enough for oral sex and that was only Ora
    Sex with him never gave me oral sex and also forced me into giving him anal sex in the begging in he was double dosing me on my PhD c med at one incident I woke up naked and my hole body destroyed had to have stitches in my rectum when I woke his phone was disconnected he robbed some cash police didn’t find him and I was starting to feel like it was my fault cause I drank with him before the incident months later he came back said he loved me and at this point I was hooked bad I was abused as a child and after a lot of therapy threw the years of him coming in and out my life as I rite this I miss him but realize I miss someone he created the person I love never existed just like I i
    did not exist in his world he new my family lived with me on and go and in ten years I never met his family his mother hated me because I told her exactly what he was doing I didn’t except we fought broke my nose end result he went to rehab I went and he got to follow his dream for his career as a sailor how convent fo a sosipsth I never would
    do of dreamt I be abused
    Ike this and love it between him coming in and out my life and hurting me over and over again he new I was not a well girl I was sensitive treated him like a god we never had a reason to fight except for his devious ways. So here is a list of things that I am ashamed of I truly thought I could help him we I help a lot of people on the Internet and started a you tube with my stories because every time he abused me I was alone like a dog waiting till he came back from day one I was a victu, lost friends and family and I was ever tial isolating because of the pain he case me so threw the years I have slit my wrist several tie and also overdoses on Xanax and they revived me and I kept taking him back he had a hold in me and mean while no kissing no oral ad only from behind I was a dominated but for money not my lifestyle I felt I deserve the abuse and I was so in love I do anything to please him
    Always money missing
    left while I slept after sex
    Claim he had no phone
    Had sex with my fieemds
    Stolen my car
    Date rape
    Drugged me
    Lost all my friends
    took ,me for my saving and his family was wealthy
    Ten years never met family and very few remiss
    Helped him threw college
    Broke my nose pinky and rib
    Broke into my home
    Wrecked my cars
    Stood me up
    Hurt me so he cane see me hurt and he can stop the blood
    The list can on forever I’m ashamed this man is a genius and the scariest predator 8 even seen I’m scared and want to feel again vi want to be kissed please reply I am isolating my therapist died and I just need closure I can’t sleep r eat I’m fed up i doc want him to come home and act normal but facts are he has no feel and facts are I was good to him all I don’t WA give give give give her am 34 tens years invested ĺ

  100. Liz

    Kim, this is exactly where I am right at this very moment.
    I didn’t realise he was a narcisisst until after we split and my friend pointed out she had been watching for 3 years..
    Now I read as much as I can and he is extreme.. The cruelty of his words and actions.. He has spent the last 7 weeks (since the split- I found messages from the other woman) telling me I’m the one but he can’t handle my daughter so the other woman is an easier option for him. He doesn’t want to be alone but he loves me so much.. He met her 8 weeks ago, she is now the 6th woman I know of, (ridiculous I know) so I left, he is now saying they were just friends and it only became more because I left him.. I broke his heart when I walked out and she was there for support.. She believes this too, I have tried talkig to her..
    I look at this woman who is a prominent business woman in the industry I (used to) work in (I was fired after one of his outbursts in my workplace) and she is head over heels for him. I have tried to tell her what he’s been saying to me and he has convinced her I’m nuts..
    It is so hard to talk about him as this horrible narcissist man when there were times he was truly beautiful to me..
    I think a part of me is still believing he loves me and is hoping for more contact but I also know I have to cut ties at some point to truly heal..
    I am feeling stuck, useless, and foolish..
    I truly believe he loves (I guess loved) me and I can’t let go.. But I do not want to be the other woman..
    My greatest fear, is that after all I have done for him (EVERYTHING imaginable) that she will get the happy ever after I dreamed of with him..
    I had to have our house perfect 24/7 and now he says I couldn’t even get that right, I worked full time and even then would spend half of my day chasing up things he needed like arguing with phone companies or insurance brokers, demanding car services beyond the expectations if normality.. But I did it all lovingly, and just believed he was too insecure or unsure how to do it himself..
    Will he change for her, will he become the great man I believed he would be for me, for her??
    My failure is crippling me..
    Any thoughts or direction is greatly appreciated… L.

  101. Alegna

    First of all thanx so much Kim for this amazingly inspiring blog.
    My narc ex left me earlier this year. He simply packed up and moved out and I was left staying alone in his apartment. Soon after he started threatening me to move out or he will call the police( I was not helping with the rent as I was unemployed)
    I knew he was messing around with other women right from the beginning of our relationship, I found evidence on his laptop and iPhone. He admitted once to sleeping with a hooker. I knw there were more. His job required him to travel often so he would be away from hom up to a month at the most. I also found out that he even messed around with a lady boy on one of his business trips to bangkok. Worst thing is I joined him there for a few week then had to fly back home, he stayed on for a few weeks longer. It was in this time he messed around more with hookers and ladyboys. My birthday was also around that time and all I got was a sloppy msg on skype, happy birthday, I wish things could go back to the way they were before. Of course he was talking about the love bombing phase. When he returned from Bangkok he had a guilty look on his face. He would not even have intercourse with me. That’s when I waited for him to sleep and search through his iPhone. I found msgs between him and the bangkok lady boy hooker as well as pics. I for sure know it was a lady boy as I spent enough time out there to know what they look like. In the msgs he spoke about they can sleep late on Sunday cos he has no work and the lady boy answers back they will be having intercourse all day. I hope and pray to the universe to punish this filthy dirty dog and hope his balls turn green and fall off.

    1. wilderbeast

      Hi I feel your pain I been a binder to several times maybe he’ll come back maybe he won’t I’m ten years in taken for my saving suicidal over the pain last I seen of my attacker was in the summer he went on a boat for school for the summer writ me everyday life when he was away thus last time felt ok new he was on a boat and couldn’t be line thought he changed and wanted to be a good man but truth is it was a lie for ten years he abandon me and came back and I took him back he ruined my life lost everyone in it so the comes home after a summer gone for a week in summer I didn’t right I was raped and stabbed while ridding my bike I didn’t want to tell him I was in shock and ashamed well I did write and tell him and he was cold and said to me good luck in witness protection then he cam back arrived at my door acted nice to grt me to have sex then went to sleep in the HD forced me to have sex and it was scary after being raped I didn’t want that sexual abuse anymore from him I was a changed person and thank god for the better after he forced me and I cried he said I was a shore and good for nothing and he never spoke he just did I was so hurt a few weeks later I was out st store came home and my house was robbed I called to tell him he didn’t reply I told cops I’m sure it was him it wasn’t your typical Rober ty need less say too days after I was robbed his phone was divine etc ed and I have herd from his since I am in pain and shock thank you for sharing and thank you for reading mine stay strong it’s not our fault at least now we no we are not alone xoxo

    2. wilderbeast

      Please read my story thanks for sharing and you are not alone I can’t belive I lived threw this f ml

    3. wilderbeast

      My birthday was forgotten ten ye you years in a row

    4. Denise

      OMG I have been involved with a narcissist for about 1 year now. And I have actually been pushed back to what I call “Dingbat 3”. When we first got involved, I was worried about being on the end of a rebound thing. Whenever his girlfriend of 7 years would call or come over, we had to keep it secret about us. I asked him several times did he have hopes of getting back with her. I saw no other reason he didn’t want her to know. He always denied it and would always tell me all the bad stuff that happened in their relationship and how he wouldn’t even consider a reunion. Yet she kept popping up or out of nowhere, He would take off and go see her. I knew it was wrong but he always managed to say the right thing and I’d be there to pick up the pieces. By the way his ex I call Dingbat 1. Now in the meantime, which to my defense, I didn’t know about at the time, he was 3 timing me with the woman across the street Who knew about me but was being brainwashed by him about all kinds of lies about me. When i suspected he was sleeping with her, he would vehemately tell me why she wasn’t his type and all that was bad about her. Long story short, I became his supply whenever he had a fight with her. She moved up into my spot and became Dingbat 2, leaving me #3. Finally after a lot of reading and research, I texted him telling him to let Dingbat 1 go and focus on Dingbat 2, and that I was no longer interested in keeping his triangle of love open with me in it. I know I did the right thing about finally have had enough, the thing is I have a feeling SHE Dingbat 2 is ALSO a narc. So my telling her about him would be useless. Still struggling because he is still pursuing me.

  102. Addy

    This is all true. My sociopathic ex was grooming his new supply before the final death blow to my ego, making sure I was left in fetal position in the corner. He disappeared then reappeared a few months later with a boo hoo story just to see if I would bite…and I did..he got what he wanted then he devalued and disappeared…again…repeatedly.. Until one day I said I had enough and not sure what allowed me to finally open my eyes to his game. I’m sure when he tried to come back it was a triangulation with the other woman. I’m not sure. Now he’s all blocked and I hope he never enters my life again. Theres hope for those who think the vicious circle will never end.

  103. connie

    You have many responses and that is really sad so many of us have to go through this abuse. You probably wont get a chance to read mine. I will write as if writing to myself. Classic: sweeping me off my feet relationship while he was separated from “abusive” wife with 3 kids. He played the victim: ex wife abused him and she denied him from his 3 kids that were his world. In A Nutshell: He convinced me , courts, & everyone that the Mother was Unfit. Got full custody of his three beautiful kids. When they cam to live with us he instantly dumped them into my lap. I supported all 4 of them financially emotionally, and physically. 13 years. Now I am 3 thousands miles away. I ran from him and left my/ his kids for my life. I had to file bankruptcy, leave my college and carrer dreams because I thought I met My SoulMate. He made so many broken promises of having children together but left me barren….a long story there,

  104. Christina

    Hello, I am 24 yrs old and a medical student. I feel pretty desperate to even write this but I am in such a need of advice and a helping hand. I met this “amazing guy” 11 months ago. He made ALL my dreams come true, my family kind of opposed since he didnt have an education and had a dead end job while I have so much going on for me. I feel for him because he just dug into my soul and made me believe he was the one. Words cannot describe how much love we had …in the beginning. After 5 months of him moving in with me after 2 months of knowing me, after 3 months he wanted to propose and have kids… After 5 months I had to leave for a new chapter in my life-Medical Puerto Rico! My dream had come true, I was in a loving relationship and my dream career was at my fingertips. God had blessed me. We agreed on long distance because I did not feel it was right or fair for him to lose all his life for me and come to PR, he insisted but I thought we should have waited a little. This started the beginning of my hell. Any fight, any argument there was no apology. In the end I apologized. Any argument it ended up being my fault. I got him a good job with medical benefits, I got him a nice apartment, I helped him look for schools. I consider myself a good woman and someone who really gave 1000% to this individual. Long diatance meant that I treasured what we had even more and respected our realtionship. But the arguments were getting worse and worse and soon became abusive. He threatened he was going to kill himself, that he was going to burn all my stuff. he begged me over and over to get back with him and I did because I was in love. And now for 4 weeks finally the curse is over, the police are involved due to his verbal violence because I am afraid. But right now I am more destroyed because 4 weeks ago right before this all ended horribly because he does not know how to apologize i found out he was already messaging a girl, asking for her number…an 18 yr old, pierced, high school girl who lives in Staten Island. Not going to school, nothing. And I am literally sitting her broken hearted wondering WHAT THE HELL. I keep telling myself its not me, its him. But words cannot describe the pain… He had everything in me. And he was already going for another.. It just hurts so much to know that I was replaced like that when I am worth so much and love so purely….I just need someone to explain to me all this because its killing me inside. I am going to go see him this weekend since I land in the US and get all my belongings and I will be escorted by a police officer for safety…I wish I had the right thing to say when I walk out so I can at least have one final good say.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Christina, I realize what happened to you was very painful. You’ll need to go through the whole grieving process, but you’ll also want to participate in activities that will heal your subconscious mind because that’s where most of the psychological trauma and feelings of worthlessness lie. I would recommend starting out by exploring the suggestions under my “Tools for Healing” tab: Especially the guided meditations and Melanie’s NARP program (she offers a 30-day money back guarantee, so there’s nothing to lose).

  105. Anonymous

    great.dear kim,tnks 4 d x guy is realy d type u described.he fuckd me almst evryday wen we wr 2geda nt knwing dat he ws using me.nw he hs abandoned me and go 4 a new yr1 gurl in our jst waiting 4 d day he wil cum bk pleading i wil show him am made of

  106. Julie

    It’s been 2 years since my ex and I broke up. I guess it isn’t a fairly original story…because you depicted it almost word for word. The only thing I i will say is I take responsibilty for my co-dependant behavior. He didn’t necesarily chip away at my self esteem, independence etc..I did a fine job of that all on my own! He just had an indifferent attitude that gave me the drive to continually prove my self worth to him. But like you said, after a while you become used up…and he moved on to someone else. I had all the thoughts you listed! She’s better than me for xyz reasons. I also helped him raise his daughter, so to actively stay in his life to continue seeing her…has felt self destructive in a way. But unfortunately, I haven’t been able to cut that one tie. She means the world to me and I couldn’t imagine hurting her. Regardless, the woman he’s with I remember feeling inferior to, I now feel sorry for. Even though she treats me like dirt herself, I know deep down shes going through the same thing I was. I let her and my ex own me for the longest time. Now I’m letting it all go with light and love. It seems like its heading in the direction of his girfriend cutting ties between the child and myself. I can always say I love her no matter what and hopefully we will see each other again one day. I also in spite of everything wish the woman in his life well too. I hope there is a day that comes where she’s in a good place herself. The more positive energy I let out, the more I feel free!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Julie, your outlook is very inspirational and exactly the kind of mindset that will lead you into true healing. Wishing you all the best <3

  107. munch

    I split from my ex after 26 years it was all my fault, his drinking, work and money issues, along with his having an affair. he moved out at the being of the year and he moved into a place with his new gf, it lasted no longer than 2 weeks. he broke down when she went and I felt sorry for him!! stupid I know, he called her all names etc, now I found out they are best friends again, I contacted her and let her no what he has said about her and I got the closure I was looking for.

  108. hopefull

    It was a beautiful article. I really need some advice and guidance. I am sometimes a bit confused that whether or not i was married to a N or not or was i a useless person who quit the relationship and was not able to understand him.
    I was married to this person for a period of about 1.5 years and was wooed into the relationship by him in which he made me feel very special and wanted. He was very attentive and behaved as if he really loved me. Even though there was a lot of times I felt that “something was wrong” i still went forward and got married to him after a period of 1 year. After marriage he changed quite a bit and i was more of a Nice trophy to be shown around rather that a human being. My feelings were worthless and i was supposed to live and emote as per his wish. He sometimes used to stop talking to me for weeks without any reason and act childish in a lot of situations. Even he used to become very aggressive sometimes and explained himself to others as if he was completely innocent. Finally I gave up and got separated after 1.5 year. He seemed absolutely unconcerned about all that and quickly started a new relationship within 3 months and recently got remarried to a kind of girl as you described above.
    I feel really dejected and abandoned and wonder if he would be able to keep this girl happy? Was i really not able to understand him, or was he an N?

    Kindly help

  109. vicky

    Everything you said, happened to me. It has been 15 months sine I left him and in this time I took him back on the goal for him to make his new wife (yes they got married) to mind. He dumped me, walked out behind my back! Now she is pregnant with 2nd child. They fight, lost their apartment. He quit his job. CPS took their 1st child. (which by the way is not his). as much as I dislike the woman he chose I am coming to believe after much study that’s not her fault of course we know its his! he did me so bad and left me penis went through my inheritance treated me like a dog I’m 6 years older than him and his new wife is 10 years younger I wish him luck because he is going to need it. His life is going to be held accountable to the end karma is a b****! I would love feedback.

    1. vicky

      Penny less not penis* even though that’s what James Ray Garrett is!!!

  110. PrivateToProtectTheNotInnocent

    Oh ladies, ladies, ladies. It seems every one of you have dated my ex too! He was awesome at the beginning, truly loved and adored me, I moved 2000 miles to be with him, and he turned into Jekyll and Hyde 5 minutes later. For 14 months I got to be belittled, mistreated, screamed at, devalued, mocked, ridiculed, and blamed for everything. I went from powerhouse business woman to sniveling crybaby. He stole 20 grand from me, wouldn’t let me get to my own money, and kept me a virtual prisoner. He wrecked me from the ground up. One day I had enough and layed into that piece of crap with both barrels. I screamed at him for 45 minutes until he was backing into a corner. The more he backed away the more angry I became. I went hoarse from giving him the WHAT FOR. How dare a man treat me like that. He thought he could take me away from my friends and family and control me. Well guess what? HE COULDN’T. Thank GOD he deleted and blocked me on Facebook because I used that as a tool to get me the hell out of there. My Facebook friends came through for me financially and I am now 2000 miles back home where I belong. Look, we make mistakes and we fall in love with the wrong person sometimes. We’re humans. It’s okay. What truly matters is that we get up off our backs and make our lives better again. I’m now 4 months free and clear, no contact for 3 months, and feeling better every day. You can do this! You are more beautiful and more wonderful than the guy you’re missing will ever be able to see. And that’s the whole thing. These guys are INCAPABLE of loving. They don’t know how. No one ever taught them how to love. It is NOT you. So quit your crying and make your life better. I believe in you! You got this! There is a truly wonderful man looking for you right this moment! As long as your eyes are on the wrong guy, they’ll never see the right one. My ex replaced me a few weeks after I left and that’s the biggest gift he could ever give me. He is no longer my problem. And in case no one has told you lately, I LOVE YOU!

    1. Kim Saeed

      PrivateToProtectTheNotInnocent, thank you for your very kind. loving, and insightful comment. It’s been a while since you left it, but I hope others will see your words and feel motivated to make their own changes. Hugs <3

  111. nomadBJ

    Your article is spot on to my recent relationship. We just broke up less than 2 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing. You have no idea how much I needed to have affirmation that I’m not crazy or worthless. He did everything you mentioned: charmed then devalued and finally abused all the while cooking up other partners and getting them ready on the side. He has anger problems which I found out in the height of his busy season for his business (he’s a professional white water kayaker and small business owner.) It finally progressed to violence, and I found out he cheated too. He broke my heart and my spirit, and I’m having a really rough time recovering because I care for him. I can’t believe I still love him, but I do- leeching on to any scraps of friendship or kindness he shows my way for affirmation. What did I become? Also, he is such a celebrity in the outdoor world and involved in the community (going to city council meetings, on the OR tourism board)- so it is hard to see lots of people looking up to him and his women and guides who work for him hanging all over him. They have no idea how he can be verbally and physically abusive. I really just needed affirmation that it’s not me, and he’ll do the same thing again. Still hurting…Thanks so much for your support on your page.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi nomadBJ, it’s been a while since you commented, but I hope my reply finds you healing and moving forward. I’m very glad to know my article gave you some perspective and validation that it wasn’t you. <3

  112. Tricia

    Fantastic, Birdsaw! I was in a relationship 30+ years ago with an N (didn’t know it then). After 18 months he had another victim lined up in the wings. Dumped me for her (I knew it was coming but it hurt a lot). Met my husband shortly after. Been married for all those years.

    Then he popped up in an email. I was shocked but intrigued. We met up, fell ‘madly in love’ again, all those years peeling away. It was quite beautiful. He lived part of the year in another country, so meetings were not often. Texts, emails, phone calls….same as everyone else. We were both still married, both going through difficult times. Thought it was ‘fate’…soul-mates….all that stuff. After a few months, I just got a weird feeling that I wasn’t getting anything back. It was all me giving, giving. I suddenly looked at my husband (who had had 2 affairs) and realised what a wonderful person he really was! Not perfect. Just ‘normal’. And I was planning on leaving him! For that ’empty’ selfish man. I ended it. By text! I don’t even remember what I said. My husband carried on as though nothing had happened!!! Bless him. Don’t forget he’d done it to me twice before – so not too much sympathy here, please.

    5 years later, another email out of the blue. This time he was divorcing his wife but his new gf had dumped him!! Oh, dear. I stupidly thought I could cope with helping him see the light. I had to use all my power to not get sucked back in (Oh, he had actually suggested, early on, we might ‘carry on where we’d left off’. What??? No way!).

    A few months on he met my best friend. She was single again after 2 marriages. Always in a mess one way or another. Yes, you guessed! She was his new victim. I was furious that he could be so predatory. I told him and I got the ‘silent treatment’. Anyway, she got sucked up, in awe of his beautiful house on an island, etc. That was true but the rest was inflated ego stuff.

    Same plan ensued. Almost a template of me. She fell for it all. It took a while because of the distance geographically but he finally ensnared her.

    Now the thing is… really hurt me! It hurt so much that he had dared to put a wedge between me and my friend. It hurt because she never even asked me how I felt about it. It hurt because I had ‘lost’ 2 friends. I had already blanked him before this relationship started (because of his behaviour, not because I knew he was a Narcissist – I didn’t. Only learned that recently). I stupidly emailed him to ask how we might keep this 3-way friendship together? All I got was insults, controlling words like ‘mind your own business if you want to keep our friendship’…..and more. I was shocked and stunned. Nothing from her. She just ‘hid’ behind him.

    I spent weeks trying to get my head round it all. Why was I the ‘bad guy’??? What had I done wrong?? Then after lots of help from a mentor, I stumbled across Narcissists. What a revelation! I had my answer!! My instincts had been absolutely right all the time. Thankfully, I was spared a lot of trauma, but it still hurt me badly.

    So, all you ‘victims’ out there are absolute saints! These toxic people are vile. But they hook you in, feed on you, then spit you out. With me, I think it was my pride that got hurt more than anything else. It was the knowledge that our ‘love’ was nothing but an illusion. Yet, I had already explained it (to myself) as being necessary to heal us at the time. In a strange way, it did just that. For me. I learnt to put myself first. Something I had always thought selfish.

    No idea what will become of the two of them. I wonder if she is also a Narcissist?

  113. nomadBJ

    Your article is spot on to my recent relationship. We just broke up less than 2 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing. You have no idea how much I needed to have affirmation that I’m not crazy or worthless. He did everything you mentioned: charmed then devalued and finally abused all the while cooking up other partners and getting them ready on the side. He has anger problems which I found out in the height of his busy season for his business (he’s a professional white water kayaker in Portland, OR and small business owner.) It finally progressed to violence, and I found out he cheated too. He broke my heart and my spirit, and I’m having a really rough time recovering because I care for him. I can’t believe I still love him, but I do- leeching on to any scraps of friendship or kindness he shows my way for affirmation. What did I become? Also, he is such a celebrity in the outdoor world and involved in the community (going to city council meetings, on the OR tourism board)- so it is hard to see lots of people looking up to him and his women and guides who work for him hanging all over him. They have no idea how he can be verbally and physically abusive. I really just needed affirmation that it’s not me, and he’ll do the same thing again. Still hurting…Thanks so much for your support on your page.

  114. Lou

    I too am glad of these posts and can relate to them! I was with my ex for 8 yrs and had 2 kids with him! During my pregnancy with our first child he was awful to me, I didn’t know if I was coming or going, when I asked him where I stood his reply was ‘ your just there aren’t you’. I hurt so bad, I was aware he was seeing someone but could not prove it and he had me convinced it was me being insucure! Our second child was so bad although he did not attend the birth! He was physically abuse at times and as my children grew they witnessed his temper! I was told I was a bad mother, I was a control freak, he critised me and my family! Our sex life was non existent! He used to tell me he hated women and when we parted he said he wasn’t interested in anyone! I went no contact after he smashed up my living room and my kids where present! He love bombed me for months! But I stayed with it! I am aware he has played the victim and blamed me! He has a older son from a previous reltionship who he has a very poor relationship with! He’s now recently met and moved in a new lady someone who he’s known yrs! He seems happy with her! My question is why does he still send me emails and message links! I got one the other day that was a gary Barlow song or a pic of the kids jars of sweets! What is the meaning behind his behaviour?

  115. It had been over for years between the ex N and I so I felt quite amused when he rang me out the blue and asked if I wanted to attend a very posh lunch with him and his company clients. I decided to go as the food was going to be first class. It turned out there was a very attractive man there who asked me to go for a drive to a lovely country spot. He did this in front of the ex N. It was actually as though the ex N did not even exist. Which of course, he doesn’t. The ex N then proceeded to try and hoover me and I just laughed, ate tons of gorgeous food that the ex N paid for and gave my number to the attractive man. I didn’t give my real number as I had no interest in anything other than enjoying the food and the flirting and then going home and laughing.

  116. It’s been almost 7 months since discard after a 4 1/2 year relationship with someone whose profile fits perfectly a narcissistic psychopath. Sadly the story is like too many others. I was aware at least two years before discard that I was going to be dumped, though I wasn’t aware of his pscyhopathy at the time. I was always aware that this extremely hypersexual man was very active with other hookups all during our “relationship”, but was so blinded by my addiction to him and trying so desperately not make him want to dump me that I pretended to be a “cool girlfriend” and just turn a blind eye. But at least six months before my discard, I could see his aggressive obsession for his current target growing, as I was virtually disappearing and becoming invisible. He RARELY acknowledged anything I put up on FB, even on his wall. Only one picture of us is among his FB photos. He never posted about us. Within the first month with her, he put up about 20 pictures of them, and has made a point of liking virtually everything she posts as well as make comments, tagging her whenever and wherever they’re together. So many of her friends are now very strong “friends” of his, too. He’d already collected many of my used-to-be friends in the time we were “together” and I found them turning against me, obviously a strong smear campaign going on even prior to the text telling me that he was bored and thus discarded.

    As soon as I was discarded, I never made any attempt to contact him. I was careless and didn’t drop him nor block him from my friends at first, and so watched him gleefully make her his everything. He dropped 50 pounds after being at his peak weight at the time of discard, worked out to the point where he truly is in the best shape of his life, and stopped drinking with a previous history of alcoholic behaviors of drinking to the point of passing out at least a couple of times a week in the time I knew him.

    He’s begun to pick her up daily and even if they don’t have a lot of time to be together, he’s helping her lose weight and improve her physical shape along with him. He’s also begun to teach her all about his favorite beverage, now creeping back into his habits a few times a week: beer. They both post about how excited they are to try new beers together, travelling to breweries regardless of the distance. True, he’s changed like the chameleon that a psychopath is to accommodate her likes, but he’s also seemingly beginning to slowly exert control over her with the workout regimen and drinking while video gaming that they engage in more regularly.

    The most puzzling part of their relationship is, as she angrily insists repeatedly, that their relationship is platonic. Part of me wants to disbelieve this because he is that hypersexual. But her repeated bitching about the questions, especially when she sleeps over at his mother’s house, where he still lives at age 33, make me wonder. He certainly can hook up with any number of girls 10-12 years younger than he like her many many friends and acquaintances, to keep him satisfied that way. But it seems odd that his type would be willing to have such an obsessive relationship without sex as part of the appeal; it’s such an important weapon to exert control. At this point I’m more curious in an observational way, though I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t emotionally affected by watching their seemingly extraordinarily successful relationship move along so much better than ours ever was. I’m finally going full-on NC with everybody, choosing to step away from FB altogether, as there are too many remaining crossover contacts who in spite of blocking him, have filled me in on how things have been going.

    After all of that, my point is that it seems so contrary to type that they would have a platonic relationship; that he would be willing to go along with it, unless she is providing him with such extraordinary supply, such as her enormous following of fans and a few real-life friends she still sees on occasion, when she’s not tied up with him, who now also serve as a huge audience for him, adoring him as the most awesome guy for the way he treats her. In the interest of my overall health, not seeing how things go is best for me.

    This whole experience has been such an amazing trip, resulting in so much loss, including too many friendships, and too much of myself. But I’ve also been able to turn it around and realize that I’ve learned a lot, a very strong “how not to” lesson, and to trust my deepest instincts about things not being good: I was absolutely right all along in every case. And that I can find the strength to heal and grow beyond such unimaginable pain. I will never let this kind of relationship happen to me ever again.

  117. Tasha

    So mine keeps me sidetracked. Like, taking a picture, alcohol, animals that keep me busy while he either goes to gate and talks/takes care of business or says he will go to the store for me. All the while he has written love poems and speaks remotely to “Anna” up the street via his wired dimond earings or some type of earpiece or bluetooth. I cant figure it out yet.
    AND IM NOT SCARED YET. They have already tried. All I did was comply. Im SO PISSED OFF THAT I LET SOMEONE DO THIS.
    Yhey are also monitoring me in my home…Im going to take care of repayment of some money to the family and w/in 8 mos…Im OUT. Wonder if there is an organization to help me get a new identity??

  118. Newbie

    Well I was disagarted today. Lmao we had sex 5 days ago. Isn’t it funny how they all the same. So predictable. But I did see it coming and to tell you the truth I waited 7 years for it to happen. Ugh my endurance it’s amazing, amazingly stupid! I was so sick and tired of his abuse at every level. Still I fist and fight for him not to leave. OMG when I’ve been praying for it!!! Well he said it’s my fault and she makes him happy. Where the hell she came from? I still don’t know her but can wait to see the new meal ticket and it’s funny cause that’s all I did pay for his meals. Wow what a journey and a waste of time and lots of money.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Newbie, what you have described is the Narcissist blueprint. They never change.

      You are biochemically and emotionally addicted to the dysfunction and that’s why it’s hard to leave. But, you must get to a point where your desire to change is greater than your desire to stay in the relationship. Otherwise, you will waste more years of your life (and money) and have nothing left to show for it except a destroyed heart.

      1. Newbie

        I knew he had a mental problem because the things he put me thru were not even logic! I kept telling my friends he was not just a jerk but something bigger was going on in his head. I am so humiliated and hunted by the way I begged him not to leave. Once more no show of dignity from me. He hit me, took my money, always tried to take advantage, one day he said we couldn’t go out to eat cause he was broke but I showed up at his appartment which I help him get and from where I was thrown and called the police to take me out, and he had bags from name brand store he just went and bought stuff for himself. He is a obsessive texter, he does it all day long and sometimes demands an imidiate respond or he would get mad but of course rules don’t apply to him. You can’t imaging the horror that he constally texted me. I cried my soul out lot of times. But he never left me alone! Never and he never told me he had someone else until now. Not the one day went by without a issue with another woman in his life. I stopped being his supply and I made the desition to not provide for him anymore I was tired. That’s when he started to cut me off but always found a way to used me for sex and I like an idiot always went. I wanted so desperate to break away. I even told him I was on a dating site that’s when he said he had a girfriend. What a disgusting mess. I’m not in no dating site, I can’t even look to another man I was so hopelessly in love with what I thought it was him and now I know it was just a reflexion of me he was mirroring. It’s hard to know he never loved me, my impaired brain wanted this to be true because that way it was somewhat worth it but it’s not. True I feel very hurt beyond words can express but mostly humiliated to my courd and not one once of dignity left. Dignity that will get back no matter what it takes. I just wanna hear he is not gonna be happy and have a happy ending that he doesn’t deserve. I was so good to that man loving and caring in every sense. He lost a presious girl and he will never know it. What a tragedy for him.

  119. aj

    It’s been two weeks since I was discarded by my boyfriend. We had been together over a year. For the past few weeks he had been acting distant and blew off our date night plans one night. One of my friends also found out that he had opened up an online dating profile while he was dating me and was talking to women online. When I found all of this out I confronted him via text and haven’t heard from him since. I tried reaching out, but he hasn’t contacted me. He never apologized for anything he did and didn’t give me any explanation. I guess he’s mad that I called him out on the way he had been treating me. Everyone I know and myself can’t believe that after dating someone for over a year you could just walk out of their life without an explanation. It’s going to take me awhile to get over this.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Aj, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. As painful as it is, it’s best to accept that you may never get an explanation or apology. And you had every right to call him out if he was mistreating you.

      Your only hope of getting over this is to block him from your phone/email/any social media and move on. It’s easier said than done, but the only way of truly moving on with life.

    2. dan

      Hi aj
      As someone who has also recently experienced the feeling of being discarded like a trash bag after 12 years, PLEASE heed my words…RUN and never look back. No Contact is the way to go. These people are cold blooded, cold hearted and the only interest they have in you is that of a puppet..a puppet on a string, created for their own sick and twisted enjoyment. Look in the mirror, keep telling yourself you are better than that, losing you is his loss and he isn’t allowed to contact you because you ARE better than him. It’s not easy, in fact it’s damn hard but with support from this wonderful community you will be free, I promise. Dan

  120. 4Fee

    y gf was glowing and planning a wedding/babies and all. A few weeks after a beautiful ceremony i got an unfamiliar friend request on FB. I didnt look at the page for a couple of days, oh but when i did i was floored!! Pics of my gf and her new husband. Pics of her husband and another woman. Copies of phone records and screenshots of ‘love’ msgs to this other woman, 2 weeks-5 days before the marriage. I found it hateful and in poor taste, so i deleted her as my friend and kept my mouth shut!! When my gf confided in me, i said nothing about the page. What struck me about our talk was her not really holding him accountable for what took what took place. This chick was and aweful mate to him and she was attacking his happiness. She seemed to attempt to convince me that he learned his lesson and that she deserved to be used by him before he married her! WTW? I immediately went back to her page to find that she had been in/out of a relationship w him for 10yrs and lived a state away. Why on earth did he stay ard for 10 yrs then? The ex’s page said he was pyscho, she had no clue he was getting married and he had admitted that he didnt tell for revenge. Floored!  2 weeks before wedding, the ex’s responses to his request to come back at 1am was that she really wanted to but she knew that they dont work. She talked abt a kid he helped raise….my gf wants chdren immediately. Is he an N? Is my gf next? What can i say or do to get her to see through him? Wivhe treat their children bettet than he has w his ex? I have been avoiding talking about it again, i believe marriage is a holy institution. But this is not! A mutual friend told me that they have been to counseling and he will never again! I am sure my sweet but naive friend has opened Pandora’s box. Please help

  121. Anonymous

    It’s been a month today since I was “discarded”, after an eight year relationship. Driving home from his birthday weekend getaway in the mountains for hiking and fun, he started once again to list my “problems”. I knew we had issues that we couldn’t seem to get past, but I kept hoping that we could find a way to work them out. We seemed to have so many positives, except for his incessant complaints about me, if only I could change my behaviours, we would be great. I feel sick. I knew in my heart that he was bad for me, but I still saw all the positives and thought we could find a way. I found it strange that he would never apologize for anything, even if it was apparent that he was wrong. Nothing was ever his fault – in eight years! Ironically, he had “discarded” (or was giving me the silent treatment – been through that so many times!), when I received a call at 6:30am. Didn’t answer. Called again. Answered it. He was having a stroke and wanted me to drive him to the hospital. Of course I did, and we reconciled for another go ’round. I began to seriously question “us” when he said aloud that his stroke “was my fault”, as I had caused him so much stress that it brought on the stroke.
    So now it’s been a month, and I feel sad every day once the work day ends. I try and go for runs with my dog, but I am so sad. I feel so alone, and have no friends anymore. I don’t know how to rebuild. I don’t trust myself to choose a partner who isn’t a “predator”, and I’m 50 yrs. old. My bank account is drained. I owe him money. Life is really tough right now. How do I get over this? He told me I make noise when I eat, snore, am deaf, am an idiot, can’t drive, am selfish, have one foot out the door, and that he understands why my ex-husband dislikes me (we got together one year after my marriage ended).

    1. Kim Saeed

      I am so sorry you had to endure this for so long. I was also with my Ex for about the same time frame and heard all the same complaints about me and how everything was my fault.

      I know it’s hard to internalize this right now, but his complaints about you are not true. One of the ways they try to keep us trapped with them is by making us believe we are so defective that no one else would want us.

      The best place to begin again is to do some inner child healing and work on healing from codependency. Unless we heal those areas, most other therapy is ineffective.

      I have some other healing tools here on the site, but try to listen to your soul, too. Is there a hobby you always wanted to pick up, but never did because of your Ex? Does your town offer any community classes or activities where you could go out and meet people? Do you have any old friendships you could rekindle?

      I know it’s scary right now, but just take baby steps…again, the inner child healing and codependency recovery is a great place to start. Best wishes as you move forward. I wish you the best.

  122. Back@Sq1

    I am dealing with this too and it is making me crazy. I choose to leave 14 months ago and any time we have talked since then he has turned everything around and said it was all my fault. All I can do is help but think that if I had done things differently, we’d be ok. I know that just because the good was great, it doesn’t make up for how bad the bad was, yet he has a way of making all the bad seem like it was because of me? I feel after talking to him, I just want to make him happy and that I let him down, when in reality, I know that he didn’t want to put forth real effort, he just wanted me to do what he needed. Now after 14 months of trying to fix things, he has discarded me & has already been spending time with multiple other women… it makes you feel like it was all lies and they never really cared, how can he be so loving one day and then the next day, completely change and treat me like I’m the devil and call me terrible names. I sometimes feel like I deserve the mean things he says to me, even though throughout our whole relationship, I’d do anything for him, but if it wasn’t exactly how he’d do it… I was always wrong, I just want the pain to go away, I just want to feel like I am worth more than I feel right now…

    1. Kim Saeed

      I wish I had a better answer, but the truth is you must cut him out of your life if you ever want a chance at healing and happiness. The feelings you are experiencing are exactly how he keeps you addicted to him…making you feel it was all your fault and using your conscientiousness to make you feel guilty and wanting to “fix” things even though it was all him.

      He is exploiting your feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment to make you believe you can never be happy without him. But, it’s all an illusion. The fact is, you will never be happy WITH him. The only answer is to go No Contact and mean it.

      1. Back@Sq1 Unfortunately, you’re right: he never did love you. These creatures are truly incapable of forming real human bonds, they are incapable of having true relationships with others because they can’t feel true human emotions. The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde routine is meant to throw you off, to shake your confidence not only in what you supposedly have with him, but more to shake your confidence in yourself. It’s entertaining, and a great way to stave off the boredom of every day life which, at least in the case of psychopaths and sociopaths, is quite possibly the worst thing they can experience. Keeping you off your guard, making you dance on a knife’s edge is very entertaining, and fun to talk about to others behind your back, even your own friends and/or family. None of it is real. None of it. Such a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s true. You may have poured everything you felt into the relationship, but he did nothing more than to mirror you, pretending at caring and feeling, in order to rope you in, and keep you roped in, even when he started treating you so cruelly. Amazing how like a true addiction being with these beings is, including the excruciating pain of withdrawl. But you can get through it, get past it, and re-discover who you are, and truly appreciate yourself on your own merits and not in terms of trying to gain the approval and acknowledgement of someone else. That’s actually a very powerful thing, and something he will never have. Massive win for you in the end.

      2. Like so many other posts, I’ve been in and out of a relationship with my now ex-N for 10 years, except for the 3 years that he left me & got married to someone else. I can’t believe I took him back about 2 years ago and now…I know I’ll never go back to him. He’s projected his cheating ways on my, has told so many lies about me to his family that they don’t ever want to see me, and he has blamed his new found love (only took him 2 weeks to move in with her) on me being so untrue and terrible to him. Oh, and my family can’t stand him.
        When he got married to someone else, 5 years back now, I couldn’t eat, sleep, or basically do anything but cry over my broken heart. I’ve always been confident and have a great career and I never let him totally break me down completely, although he tried. He has a distorted reality and lies about things that only a fool would believe are true.
        I tired ‘no contact this last break-up a couple weeks ago and I couldn’t sleep at night.. so I knew I had to take control and close this down my own way, with grace and class. I’ve never been one to hate and to hold grudges and had to get some peace inside, so I texted him a very grown-up text telling him I had always loved him, forgave him for all the false accusation, was sorry for any pain I may have given him…and said goodbye, as a sane person does.
        He came back with such a revengeful text, blaming me for all the indiscretions that he has falsely accused me of since 2005. Really? I mean the list was long and he had thrown everything in this time. Keep in mind that I was always true to him, he’s the one who’s had affairs and who got married! This man is full of revenge and hatred and I then texted him to say that I heard the hatred in his message and that I would never contact him again. I mean that this time, without a doubt, and I feel sorry for his new supply. Oh, she thinks she’s saved him from me and has hit the ‘mother lode’, but oh no…so sorry. Taking the reins with this final ‘sign-off’ hurt me, but it made me feel in control of my life. I am standing up for myself and going to start loving myself with all that I have. I deserve and will close this unhealthy chapter in my life. I leave knowing that I was the best thing that ever happened to that poor narcissistic man.
        It helps to write down the horrible things your ex-N has said and done to you and remember, it never gets better and they don’t like counseling and will never change.
        Where the heck do these guys come from? I know the one thing that could send him into a rage and that is to tell him he wasn’t the greatest lover, like he claimed. Now that would hit him where it hurts and if I wanted to stoop to his level, guess I could throw this punch, but his revenge would not be pretty..
        So…I’m done, I’m out, after 10 years of hanging on and hoping he’d see and feel how much I loved him, I’m walking away and passing this heartache on to the next unlucky girl.

  123. dan

    I am still trying to believe my wife is an “N”. I was with her 12 years and she discarded me like yesterday’s trash about 3 months ago. Over the years I caught her in affairs a couple of times but was always on edge and suspicious to the point of paranoia. In the last year after finding a secret cell phone and hotel bills I started to see the writing on the wall but never heard of such a thing as a discard or total abandonment. I began noticing or better yet, opening my eyes to the things around me. She hated everything, her job, her family, her father, her son in law, his family. Her daughter had a baby 5 months ago and she was even trying to get her daughter to discard her husband. Seeing the writing on the wall I even offered her a divorce which she refused. I didn’t want to be there when my stepdaughter had the baby as I didn’t want to become attached. She knew this and waited to discard me after I fell in love with the child. On August 19th I spoke with my wife and she told me she loved me (i was out of town) and was looking forward to the weekend together. An hour later I was served with a divorce petition. In another hour I lost every friend we had, I lost my step children and every family member on her side with the exception of her father. He sees her for what she is. I am in therapy over this as I am having trouble with the devastation brought upon me. It was my therapist who told me what she was.
    Upon receipt of the divorce petition I have NEVER heard from my wife again or any friend we had. I find myself relieved to be away from her and yet miss her terribly as I thought she was the love of my life. In hindsight I see now she exhibited every symptom I read about..gaslighting, cheating, putting down everyone she knows in order to feel above them, always talking about ex husbands and previous relationships especially in the last year. Telling me other people said I was the problem. A non existent sex life after I found the hotel bills and phone. I just can’t get past the fact that I miss her (or the person I thought she was). Also, the tremendous feeling of insignificance when trying to process that she could discard me without another word after 12 years, not a single word. I guess I should see that as a blessing since the final divorce papers are due to me any day now. I guess I’ve been spared the pain of the hoovering or keeping me on the hook for supply down the road. I take it as a sign she’s gone for good. Thanks for listening to my rant

    1. Kim Saeed

      Sure thing, Dan. I hope you will start taking great care of yourself and doing things that will help you move forward. Typically, the best places to start are recovery from codependency and inner child healing. Best wishes for you and your new future.

  124. Trying not to look back

    I was dumped by my narcissist a year and a half ago. The story is like many of you – I was his soul mate, the love of his life…. except he had a bipolar schizophrenic ex-wife who terrorized us. This caused so much stress and clouded many of our own issues. It was him and I against the world. Our 4 walls inside our home were our sacred space. I sold my business, my home and moved 800 miles to take care of his daughter as a stay at home girlfriend and surrogate mom. He didn’t let me move into the house and made me get an apartment on my own. I gave up my pet and best friend of 16 years because he was “allergic”. (she died 2 months after I left her with another family) I tried to find work, but the restrictions were too much… Be at his home by 5 to cook dinner or I couldn’t see the daughter. I was incompetent. They “needed me” and if I wasn’t there for them, I wasn’t in the relationship. Needless to say I couldn’t hold a job and soon couldn’t even find work and then he resented me because he had to support me. I wasn’t allowed to “Take a break” to heal myself or find my footing again. I was either in or out. So I would sit alone in my apt until it was time to go over and cook dinner. Or pick his daughter up at school. I chose to be in because the man I loved needed me – How could I walk away? After about a year I discovered that he had multiple profiles on hard core BDSM websites, and hundreds of personal ads looking for women that I would/ could never be. When I confronted him, he of course blamed me – yelling and screaming. And then he apologized and begged me for forgiveness. Said he would stop. Of course he didn’t. Months went on and our relationship became more and more co-dependent/ volatile. My individuality gone, no friends, no family near by. The verbal abuse got worse and worse. And then it was time to move in to his house, but things were very very off.

    My gut was torn up. I did an internet search and found the Mecca. 3 different profiles/ all him seeking different types of relationships. I created a fake profile and emailed one of his BDSM profiles where he said he wanted a real relationship. I simply asked, Are you looking for a real relationship or an autoerotic email fantasy? He said clearly -a real relationship and then professed how many he has had while with his “white dress” (me). When I confronted him, He betrayed me, berated me, blamed me and then broke up with me. It was the most painful thing I have ever gone through and blamed myself over and over and over.

    The question: Why would I set up a fake profile to “trap” him?
    The answer: Because I still had an ounce of self respect and knew I deserved better. He wasn’t able to break me.

    The good news is that I escaped. I was on anti-depressants for a year and in therapy twice a week for a year. I am now working again full time and in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in with a wonderful, emotionally supportive man. We are taking our time getting to know one another and falling in love. Life goes on… and its such a blessing that I got out. I could have ended up like his ex-wife who is now in and out of mental institutions and is unable to see her own daughter because of her mental instability. I thank God I got out when I did.

    Now that you have the background… I want to talk about what is happening now. About 8 months after we broke up, he got engaged to a new woman. This woman has been stalking me online creating fake FB profiles to friend me, message me… She poses as someone else, compliments my art and then says things like “thank god you aren’t with that other tall fellow” which a random fan of my artwork wouldn’t know about. I noticed she has a true tell in her writing – she can’t spell certain words consistently and puts a space between two exclamation points. That along side with FB’s geo targeting made it really easy to figure out.

    So let me ask you – Why is the new supply reaching out to me? This has happened exactly 6 times since March. Any advice here would be great! Thanks!

  125. Cori

    Wow I read this post and felt you have been following me. This is exactly how it happened in my relationship. I will admit I have settled into the side chick. I have just broken that part of our relationship off because 1.she is now pregnant and 2. Every time I asked him what’s going on with us he would talk in riddles. I realized I deserved better. As I made this decision (yesterday) I come across your post today. Thank you for the affirmation.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks for sharing, Cori. I wish you the strength to move forward and never look back. You deserve more.

  126. Has anyone had their ex narc try to be nice to them while they are with someone else? I know my ex has a bad relationship with his girlfriend, he is being nice to me, we have a child together and had to be in the same place the other day and it was like the time when we first met, but this time i was aware, everything that i did and said he did and said and he was making it look like “i was a female version of him” (like he told me when we first met) i felt a bit weird talking to him and it didn’t feel right. (mad dejavu)
    Has anyone experienced this before and if you have can i please know how you dealt with it? Feel free to message me

  127. Why

    I’ve read this post a million times. I don’t need to tell any you of the same stories I’ve read. I’m struggling,

    1. Kim Saeed


      I can relate to how you’re feeling. I was once in your shoes.

      If you’re like I was back then, you might be feeling very low on yourself…unattractive, unworthy, uninteresting, etc., due to your partner’s cruel words and actions. It’s important to acknowledge that this is a very strategic tactic they use to keep us in queue by making us believe we are so defective that no one else would ever want us. And it works, unless we can begin to understand that none of what they said is true. It’s just another area of pathological lying on their part.

      I would imagine you are a much more valuable partner than he could ever dream of being.

  128. Anonymous

    I’m in a dilemma now, but reading this helps me to stay on the path I started a few days ago. I was with someone for 11 years. He and his daughter moved in with me, rent free with only their clothes. Everything was mine and they used it like they were entitled. The daughter eventually moved out and on with her life, as did my two children. He was always late with his bills, never had money except to buy whatever toy he felt he needed, and to send to both of his daughters who were always needing help with something. We had many arguments about money, he said he didn’t want to contribute to my mortgage or upkeep of the house because it didn’t “benefit” him in any way. I would just pass it on to my children when the time came. Never did yard work because it wasn’t “his” house, that sort of thing. I also had strange feelings about the women he worked with. He was very good looking, and all the younger girls in his office would say he was so charming, which he always was. He would always enjoy taking me to his company party’s because there was always one of his new conquests that would throw a tantrum because I was there. I thought it was just a one time thing, but then I started noticing it happened more often than not. He seemed to enjoy how angry she would get and treat me rudely without revealing her crush to everyone but me. Always a different young thing, and he would grin from ear to ear as she would flip her hair and walk away after meeting me. After many years of this behavior I started feeling used, people were saying they would see him with these young girls having lunch or whatever. He always said it was “work related”. Then, Dec 2012 things changed. I could tell something was different, and he was moving on. I noticed pics on Facebook of him and his colleagues, but mostly one woman in particular. My gut told me this was his newest conquest but this one was different. She was a bit older, although still younger than us, but seemed more stable, had a home, a family, even a grandchild. He started not coming home, and finding every excuse to go to her area of town. This happened until just after New Years, and my daughter was visiting and she went out with some friends on her second to last night. I was at work, and he told my daughter to tell me that he had a party after work and not to expect him until late. She was also going out and I was home alone. I was woken at 3:30 am by my daughter who had just come home and he was still not home. Of course I panicked because he’s been known to drink and drive and I was afraid he was laying in a ditch, usual thoughts that go through your mind. I called his best friend and he tried to contact him. I never heard from him again, except by text to arrange for him to pick up his things. His friend, who was married to my good friend said he had moved out and was staying with friends. Then I remembered all the Facebook stuff I had seen and found out where the girl lived (a bit stalkerish, but I just needed to know for my own satisfaction). Drove by her house late at night a couple days after he didn’t come back, and sure enough, his car was there next to hers. Like I said, he never made any attempt to contact me, I kept expecting an apology or explanation but all my friends convinced me to let it go, which I did and eventually moved on.

    Fast forward to a year later and one of my friends contacted me and said that this guy was living a mile away from me and was telling everyone he was going to get back with me. He called me a few months later and wanted to talk. I thought I would get an apology, maybe a “I made a mistake and never should have left”. But no, he proceeded to tell me it was “my fault”, that he never would have left if I had been paying him more attention, I wasn’t attentive enough. I was in shock!! 11 months later now, we’ve tried to “date” but usually end up arguing because he feels no remorse and I think he should. We’ve gone back and forth several times, and I noticed he always gets really friendly when he needs something or his rent is coming up. I’ve already lent him money(stupid). He started our saying he thinks we need to live together again to work through this (or his rent is due and he doesn’t have the money). Then he said he wanted to vacation with me, thinking that was something I would want to hear. Now I hear he’s had several short flirting relationships the whole time he’s been wooing me, and when asked, he says he’s ready to be with someone and if it’s not me, he’ll find someone else. He just needs that constant adoration, but when they find out he’s really in dire straits and cut him off, he always comes back to me. He was being really attentive to me the last week, making me meals, helping me do some stuff around the house, and all of a sudden it stopped, no phone call, no text, and a mutual friend told me he’s all into another young thing again. I don’t understand how someone can just forget about someone they keep claiming to care about when someone else shows them a little interest. So I blocked him from my phone so he can’t call or text, I won’t even know if he tries. I don’t worry about him coming around, so I just need to stay tough and not allow him access to me, even though I’d really like to tell him off. Another 11 months wasted after 11 years, and I have to go through the whole break up and betrayal blues again. Please tell me I’m doing the right thing and he isn’t going to change.

  129. Thank you, thank you ,thank you!

    After almost 2 years of (almost 100 %) no contact, for the first time since this huge ‘tragedy’ happened in my life, I can actually read an article on NPD and laugh!

    What a gift!

    I loved the graphic imagery too of the meal ticket. You are spot on!

    Again, thank you.

  130. Ellen

    What happens when a full Narcist fells in love with an other full Narcist?

    Thats what i mean. They dont. What happens when i act like a Narcist to to show him how humiliated en selfish he does? Thats completly dangourous. We have to walk on eggs.. while he is Jesus Christ himself walking on water.

    1. He actually emailed me last tuesday while he was on vacation with his gf. He told me he mIssed me and missed us and having someone to listen and talk to him and understand him. So stupidly i emailed him back but told him to give jis life some real thought and all this inspirational crap. Then he emailed me again saying hes hapy he can turn to me. In reality i wanted to just tell him to go f off, but sadly i dont have that in my heart to do that to someone i love, regardless of their actions. So it carried on itoteztong. Apparently his gf broke up woth him tht monday. So basically if she didnt end it i would have seen all this my gf is amazing i love her crap all over his social media. So yeah i got upset. He said he realizes that she was basically a reboud and everything he wanted with me he wanted with slmeone else and he made the mistake of doing that with someone whos an attention whore and she sucks. He kept insisting he came to me bc he needed to speak to someone who understood him and knew him….he has other friends. So on friday eveningafter he could tell i was getting upset he tells me it was a mistake to get back in contact with me he didnt realize how much i was still hurting. S then i see hos posting up that hes a lone and no one understands him…so he wants attention and to make it seem like hes alone in the world…just like his ex strivingfor attention. So yesterday i also see hes still in contact with this girl. I got mad again so i said one last thing to him that its not fair to me that you will use me when you need to feel better about yourself and then run to her when you want physical attention i loe you with all of my heart and yet you just throw me away youre right you are fucked up and you need to reevaluate yourself because i dont know you anymore…we cannot be friends we cannot speak about how your feeling. I hope you recover soon and maybe in the future we can cross paths again. And he said “ill do whatever i want with her i told youi just wanted your friendship and nothing more, but your right its not fair or healthy for you” and i havent heard from him since. I need to he strong and carry on with my positive path of going to schooland doing what makes ME happy. I have an awesome support group of friends and family and i have to just think about that even if he is on my mind every second of the day. love is such a love/hate thing.

  131. Ellen

    Hello Over it.

    he left me suddenly for someone else… After days of deep depression i Was getting my dayley ritme back and so on.. I did not hear from him for two weeks. But then suddenly he texted me when he had an argument with this person. So after two weeks of no contact he wrote.

    “The luck is comming your side!! I will not let someone raise there voice at me like that!!”

    ?? What the.. ?? What is he thinking? That i sit on the point of my chair with the Phone in my hand to get him back? And put my hands way up and say YESSS thanks the Lord he is comming back. .
    And for what reason? Because he has a fight and his ego supply is threatend to dissapear. You can not putt my life in hold. I am a human being with feelings. Feelings of deep hurt thats in proces. After two weeks i dont feel the same as he left me.
    So i did not react on it at all. Then i heard nothing for a week offcourse because the fight is come to peace. He texted me in an impulse for sure.

    Does he not see that such kind of tekst lets see the sickness of his mind?

    1. Having the strength to actually ignore and move on is easier said than done. When you love someone hearts are not easily replaced. They dont seem to understand that which is frustrating. I wish you all the luck in the moving on process stay strong!

  132. It helps so much to read that I am not the only one to experience what I did. My N left me after 23 years of marriage after a months long affair. She seem to be getting all the attention and open displays of affection that I always craved from him. I did everything for him and it was never enough. Now he is with someone that seems to demand so much from him and yet he treats her in way he never did me. How do you turn off the endless loop in your head that you weren’t good enough?

  133. jessie gonzalez

    After reading this, I feel a lot less crazy about my ex. We met through instagram and really hit it off. I am always one for long distance relationships but this one was the farthest. He lives in England and I live in the states. We skyped every single day and it got to the point where we even would leave our skypes on while we slept. This started in the end of June 2011 and we finally got to meet (he was planning to come here to visit a friend anyway) that November. It was magical. We learned so much about eachother in the months of talking before meeting that physically meeting was like…..undescriable. I was head over heels for this guy. He knew all the right things to say. I went over there to visit him that February, it was amazing! I got to meet his mom dad and stepmom and friends. We even got matching tattoos that said “forever and always” even though i hought it was a bad idea since we only knew eachother for 8 months but we swore we were eachothers soul mates. Things started to get a little crazy though and became too much. He did not like that I used to hang out wih my one friend, we will call her Lisa because I told him we would hangout and nap. Not touching eachother or naked, Ive never even kissed a girl nor do I have any interest to NOR am i a lezbian, but that was a problem. As there is a 5 hour difference in time, he would always question when I was coming to bed and why am I out so late (mindyou id only be at a friends house or something or on the couch hanging out with my family and the latest id stay awake is 11). And i would always make time for him regardless, I was working part time at this point and any spare time i had I was texting or skyping. The worst fight we had at this point was about me purchasing a new mattress. He was angry at me for not consulting with him about it insted of my parents because they could buy anything at the drop of a hat. Let me give you some inside info about me and my family: we are basically in the lower class when it comes to money, but he didnt know that at this point because im not guna be like hey i am basically poor. Anyway, so 2 months after this fight and jealousy and all of this he wanted to come stay here in my house with my family for two weeks. now…i was still getting to know him, I was embarrassed of my house and my family isnt exactly easy to get along with and when I brought it up I got HELL for it basically every single day until i told them i ended things with him. It wasnt even a week of us not being together and he was already talkign and flirting with other girls, This should have been the red flag. When I saw this I freaked out….this started a very very deep depression that took basically two years to start feeling normal again. We ended up getting back together after giving it some thought and it wasnt the same again. The loving emails didnt come as often and the love felt weird. We would get into fights and hed basically call me immature and he cant be my therapist and boyfriend and friend and all these other roles too. SO i went into counseling. I started asking questions as to where he and i’s relationship was going, so we made plans for me to move there and to get married. I started to get impatient and hed tell me hes saving and told me to save but his story would always change about his saving situation and well, mine was basically i saved only so much to buy a ticket and have spending money for there. I went over AGAIN, but it felt weird. now, i am not a sexual person, but if you havent seen your lover in half a year, you want to ofcouse make love or even tease them in lingerie. I did that and he just did not even pay me any mind, but ignored me, even when I straight up told him to look at me, it was like nothing. I felt fat although I was starving myself and abusing laxatives to get to an unhealthy weight because he liked skinny girls and hes petite himself, I want to look “good” for him. The fighting persisted and I had my doubts and basically whenever I would voice a concern hed either stray so far from my initial concern and itd never get resolved or he’d blame my counselor for putting thoughts into my head and I was over thinking and that would be the end of that. I caught him flirting with girls AGAIN and liking half naked girls pictures and his excuse would be “i liked her hat” when it was basically a shot of her breasts, I am not stupid. He eventually told me after we broke up he’s do that when I was acting distant or he didnt feel loved. I know this story is all over the place but upon going to counseling I found out that I am codependent and i have mild depression, along with some other issues from my past. yeah, i have my days where id cry mainly becase I just missed him. We opened up to eachther, I told him things no one knew about me. I have always been a shit door, my walls built high never trusted anyone, and then this guy comes around and somehow takes my walls down then while I am all out in the open he messes with my head and does stuff like that. Still I stayed. October of 2013, I went over to visit him. We were talkign the next step A LOT mainly becase I really wanted to know what the deal was becuase I wanted to go to college and I didnt want to wait forever. SO he asked me to marry him. Although there was no ring, which he did not want to get me because he did not want to be traditional (he eventually got me one last minute after fighting about it, the wrong size band and for £400 and he told me i better wear it becuase he spent a lot of money on it, mind you the next month he dropped almost £1000 on a new laptop) I still felt so happy I cried and cried. Three days later was our anniversary and he made me feel like the worst person int he world. It was their town celebration that day and we were supposed to go see the fire works, he told me it goot crazy crowded like new years in times square so I got scared as I have crazy anxiety. later that night we got into a fight and he told me I was too pushy and if i wasnt annoying him about it he woulda asked me during the fireworks but i ruined it. SO that was the best and worst milestone. That march he came to meet my family. I told him before he gave me the ring, I wanted him to ask my dad to give his consent to marry me, he said he refused to do it. My dad was upset about it, so was my stepmom. we also go into a huge fight becuase i didnt feel comfortable showering together in my house. Theres 4 other people that live here, and its a small one bathroom house…He met my friends and we had an amazing time regardless. i was upset about him leaving and I was on the fence about what he deal was with when I went there this october. In june he was told he would be let go from his tattooing job in September. He was a wreck….everynight crying would wake me up to talk and just watch him cry. I tried so hard to support him, tell him itlll be okay. He started hustling for tattooing jobs and looking into other shops. He became so involved in meeting new people and working that our relationship fell on the back burner. He didnt mention me going there, didn’t bring up getting a plane ticket, nothing. Every time we skyped he was on his phone so when we talked he was never mentally 100% there. It go to the point where I called it quits. He told me to give it some thought and not to let us go. I told him that I voiced my concerns constantly and he ignored them, and he was too involved in evolving in his career and I wanted to work on me then. He kept insisting that I could do schooling on the marriage visa and hed pay for me but when Id ask about his fundings again, he said he had a couple thousand saved but he kept having to take funds out, meaning he couldnt support both of us nor pay for me for school, so that would have been about 2-3 years until I could go to school while he pursues his career and travels. So he said there was no going back, ok whatever i thought we loved eachother enoug that it could be worked on. I still spoke to him often, hed tell me he loved me and missed me still, but then throw in that there is no getting back together….makes sense.
    ..not. in september at the end of the month he tells me that there wont be another chance…I came across his new gf he failed to mention. About being a creep i lurked and lurked an noticed they started seeing eachother a month after we broke up, crazy how you “love someone” so much you want to marry and live with them and get matching tattoos witht hem and then the next minute you “love” someone else and the new girl is the best and amazing. So this new girl, shes my age (he is 31) shes a suicide girl, covered in tattoos (mind you he said he doesnt like girls that were involved in the tattoo world (like her) and he liked that I have tattoos but i wasnt a groupie) and listened to horrible music he hated when id listen to it. Complete opposite of me. He blocked me from instagram one day and i weaseled my way around it, I knew why…he posted a picture of them together. She buys him medicine he posts a pic and says shes the best. She buys him shoes he posts about it and shes amazing….goign out of his way via twitter just to rub it in my face hes happy and he loves her and shes amazing. I see it as, he is trying to hard to flaunt it. He used to tell me he didnt like to post everything I do for him becuase it takes away the sentimental just “you and me “value of it. Idk if thats bullshit of what. it still hurts and at times i want to just text him but I am getting better. Can someone give me some advice on this.

    1. jessie gonzalez

      I also noticed that her responses to his “acts of love” arent very idk…He boughther flowers and she posted on instagram “Beautiful” with a picture of them. btu didnt post who they were from. He bought her earrings an she posted “awesome!” but again didnt say who they were from. she also posted she was going to barcelona next month but didnt say who she was going with. I guess he didnt like that because to each picture he posted hearts and kisses and air planes, which I know now theyre going together. On facebook, youd never know she was dating someone. And theyre living together now! People tell me I should stop looking at their stuff, yeah well, you try being in love and thinking you found your soulmate then they move on to someone else so quick.

      1. sammied79

        I think you should read as much as you can on narcissism… Sam Vaknin’s youtube vids are awesome and look up melanie tonia evans they have helped me so much, and your friends are right….stop looking at their stuff, it is stopping you from moving on. Looking at their stuff you might as well still be in contact with him… it isn’t good for you if you want to stop the depression… I was the same age you are when i had my child to my narc ex and it was on and off for the next few years, i would hate for you to go through all of that. It is time to focus on yourself and not give him another one of your thoughts, he clearly doesn’t deserve them or you… and what you see on the internet, is fakery… all of it is fake. He loves her as much as he said he loved you, it is all just words to them. You are so lucky you don’t have a kid to him and i hope in future, you learn to listen to your gut 🙂 Intuition is a fabulous gift and we all have it 🙂 Tap into the beautifulness of YOU and keep your family close 🙂

    2. Anonymous

      He will come back to you, then throw a bone , and the go to his existing supply. That is happening with me now. The new girl is his new victim .She will be like us after few months or after an year. I still wait for his call, cry almost all day, and he get an ego boost when he see me hopeless. His GF is in cloud nine, leaving her little kids at home and spending time with him. She doesn,t know he still contact me .He lives on lies. I am trying to move away from him.That is the only one thing we could do …


    I have been suffering for the past 6months.Got dumped my N after two years relationship.We work in the same place. When he was about to start his new relation, he became distant, rude and indifferent to me and eventually discarded me and started moving around with his new supply.Now everyday I am seeing them having lunch together,him caring for her like a Queen, getting her new expensive clothes and shoes . I on the other hand think about him all day and night, no sleep, no peace, feeling helpless and hopeless . When I see them together my heart fills with extreme pain and struggle to survive.

  135. paul

    I’m still not convinced the narcissist follows such a rigid pattern. I’ve known people doubly devastated when the new woman/man gets the treatment the discarded partner was promised and never received. This is what is really killing co-dependents. Quite understandably they took some comfort in thinking they were just casualties along the way and the next woman/man is going to get the idealisation/diminish/discard treatment anytime within a few weeks or months. So how do you deal with the knowledge that somehow either the new partner knows the right buttons to press/won’t take any shit…or the narc was just behaving badly and got his act together. Thoughts anybody?

    1. KayB

      Dear Paul, the pattern is usually followed but the timescales vary, rather than weeks or months it is more likely to be months or years. it also depends on whether he can find another woman to chase whilst with his new suppy, as he will stick with what he has until he is fairly certain he can trap his next victim. Also from the outside looking in it may look perfect but if you think back to your relationship with the narc how much of the gas lighting, put downs etc are behind closed doors and hidden, he is usually a good actor and may even convince himself that his new partner is perfect, until the next model/upgrade catches his eye.

      1. paul

        Thank you for your prompt response, Kay and I don’t know if it makes me feel better or worse! The reason I’m using him/her so much is a female friend of mine is going ‘through it’ with a man as I’m going through it with a woman. Except in her case she had a full, if I can use that word without enclosing it in quotes (!) relationship lasting 8 years. I’m amazed when I read comments from people surviving literally decades with narcissists – long before the term became so vogue – abused(?) My encounter was much more virtual – I was put through the 3 stage process in a matter of months not helped by the fact that within literally weeks of getting to know her she announced she was going to live abroad. This came as no surprise as she was soooo drop dead gorgeous and I’m so bloody plain ( if there is a god and there is reincarnation please let me come back as a tall handsome eastern European man with shoulder-length hair..) I knew something was going to ruin my chances with her, not least the fact that I’d been grieving the loss of old mum and was looking so rough and bedraggled the day I met B.
        I lost count of the times she promised we’d spend time together and would then cancel the morning of the appointed day. The best times to be with her seemed like when she’d give me between 10 minutes and half an hour’s notice and if I couldn’t jump to it she’d be annoyed. The cyber-sex was incredible as were the promises of the wild time we were going to have – someday. If I pushed it -…”I’ll give you what you need, not necessarily what you want!” she quipped. Curiously, almost like she was trying to give me a hint – although I took it as as a joke, she said, “I’m not the woman you think I am…” and in trying to defend herself from one of her (many) self contradictions she quipped,,,,”Oh that was just one of my personas speaking”
        So I won’t go on about all the other stuff that keeps getting trotted out on these forums as you’ll be saying ‘same old story.’ I was just getting used to her being out of my life when I looked at her Facebook page and instead of seeing the stuff she usually posts (amazingly posting one of her pieces of art-work instead of her lovely face,) I see a man and she’s got a selfie (not a very flattering one,) as her avatar. I can hardly describe the stomach churning that I experienced then – the pain, the jealousy the shock…and it looks like they’ll be doing all the things I wanted to do with her – like taking her on the back of a motorcycle. There she is looking like a rock-chick on his bike and the text reads “but hey girls, I’m happy to share his picture with you – my wild boar!” So she keeps up the provocativeness and sexy posturing – like she did to me just to a wider audience. I suppose if I’d been more like him she’d have posted me on Facebook. No wonder it’s called ‘Narcissist nirvana.’ So the point I’m at now is would I feel better if she really is a full blown N. and will put him through the mill despite his having much more to offer. And what if she was just behaving badly to me despite ticking so many of the N. boxes, she knew exactly what she was doing playing cat and mouse until someone who matched her in age, looks and whatever came along and stole her heart. What does that say about her, him and me? She has had a painful, dreadful life full of dealing with oppressive conditions of worth and physical violence at the hands of her parents and was then subjected to an arranged marriage to a man she didn’t seem to love. I should, I know be happy for them and hope he can help heal her. Is the fact that I can’t quite come to terms with this, evidence of my being a latent narcissist? P.

  136. Jennifer

    I’m in love with a Narcissist and want so desperately to not be. I have been discarded and I have never felt so alone, worthless, desperate and sad. My story starts 20 years ago. I met my N at a part time job. He invited me to a cookout. He was so handsome and confidant. I felt so lucky. I went. At this party a woman was following him around and giving me some serious attitude. I thought maybe I got it wrong, he just invited me to a party and wasn’t interested in me. I thanked him for the invite and left after about an hour. When I was leaving he seemed shocked and upset that I was leaving. He began pursuing me. I fell head over heals in love. During this time he quickly moved into my apartment. So quickly that i only realized it after my landlord told me I needed to pay extra for another renter living with me. It was only then that I realized we were actually living together. During this time we were “harassed” continuously by his ex girlfriend, who just happened to be the same girl that was at that initial barbecue following him around. Still, no warning flags for me. I just felt so wanted, beautiful, special and loved. Love at first sight, right…I felt that way, was confidant he did too. A few months into the relationship a knock comes on my door. It’s this ex telling me that he had been keeping in contact with her and spending time with her, gives me an example that I knew was true. I call him, tell him I’m done (even though at this point I know I had no intention of that). This ends in him convincing me his ex was crazy and goes and puts a restraining order on her. I buy it all hook line and sinker even though my gut told me otherwise. Three months into our relationship he asks me to marry him and nine months later we elope. There were many warning signs during this period but I ignored every one of them. So many times where I swore he was cheating on me and suffering the same sick feeling I am feeling now. I always believed it was me. That I deserved the silent treatments that could last days, I was crazy, I was insecure. Funny thing is, is I was never those things before him, but forgot that. I had friends, family. I didn’t now. He was all I needed. All I wanted was to make him happy. I worked at it day and night. When I went to him many times during our marriage with my feelings, it would end up with me getting the first 2 to 3 minutes and then 40 minutes of him telling me why what I was feeling was wrong and what he needed from me and what I needed to do in order to not feel that way. Each conversation ended with me promising to be different and apologizing. Whenever we did anything outside I was told that I was inappropriate, to friendly, laughed to much at someone else’s jokes, didn’t show him enough attention. Was told that when we go out I should be hanging on him, he should have all my attention. Almost every time we did anything socially would end in an argument followed by the silent treatment with me continuously apologizing until he would finally one day just ask me to come see him and he would hug me or hold me and I would just be so thankful. Later when we or he would talk about it, I would promise to be different and apologize for being too friendly or having not made him feel like he was my focus. I would work harder but always falling short. I would try to tell him that I never felt like I came first, that I felt like he could give or take me on any given day. He would tell me that I was crazy, insecure and it wasn’t anything he was doing. The times he did tell me that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me, we were meant to be, I had the best body ever, those times were such highs for me. I truly believed every word and began to crave those words from him. I had to work for them though, they were never freely given. Here’s the thing and I’m so ashamed to write this…I would still be with him, still have him if I hadn’t cheated. I cheated with a man I worked with, a man I never felt anything for other than he told me I was beautiful and smart and funny. I never liked him, never wanted a relationship with him but I liked the attention. This only made me feel worse about myself. I wanted to feel this way with only my husband. How could I do such a thing to a man that I wanted to want me so bad. When he found out, he kicked me out, called me vicious name, I deserved all of them. I begged, pleaded, bought him, sent him cards and he eventually came back to me. I moved home. From this point forward, I jumped thru every hoop. I was told to quit my job, walk right out that minute and be home in 7 minutes, if I wasn’t home in that time, the door would be locked. I had never disrespected an employer like that or anybody else for matter (just myself) but I did it, sick to my stomach I wouldn’t make it in the seven minutes, I did. We were fostering two small children because he wanted more and I wasn’t able to have any because I was broken (his words), we had been fostering them for three years and was in the adoption phase and he told me I had to let them go. He had raised these kids as his own for three years and he just discarded them. With a heavy heart I did too, I let them go thinking then he would know how much he truly meant to me. It’s been over two years now since I cheated. I have been called horrible names, and had him do horribly mean cold things to me and I have accepted them all and apologized thru it all. It would have never made a difference. I got word two months ago that the two children we gave up were struggling and had yet to be adopted, still in the system. I made the decision to move out and have the kids come home. I truly thought he would come for us. Realize he loved us, missed us. Sadly, I had never heard of a narcissist. Had I, I never would have made that move. I have been discarded. Within two months he has moved on to another woman who has three kids by two different men and is always on facebook. I don’t get it. I was never allowed to have facebook. I was never allowed to spend time with my friends and only small amounts of time with my family. How will this relationship with her work with all her baggage? He told me that her husband had cheated on her so she knows the value of a relationship. I have to be pretty awful for him to change in a way that is ok that this woman has kids and ex’s he will have to deal with. He is doing and going to every single place we ever did effortlessly with her. I can’t, there are too many triggers for me. How can he? How can he feel absolutely nothing. I have sent texts, called him, written letters begging him to respond, to see me. It’s like I never existed. I can’t grasp it and I want to. Maybe I deserve it, I cheated on him, but he took me back and I did everything that was asked of me. I’ve worked so hard for the last two years proving to him that I was worth it, worth holding onto. I wanted just once and hoped with every inch of my heart that if I moved out he would realize how much he loved and missed me. What a mistake. I wish I hadn’t left. I would still be with him. I know it. How do I begin to let go of him and heal. Right now I would give anything to not be invisible, ignored. Anything to know that I meant something, anything. I sit here typing this praying he will reach out to me. Praying his current relationship won’t work out and he will come back and so afraid that I have been permanently discarded. I wish I could have been enough, I know I tried like hell and it’s so discouraging that he can’t see any of it and has no feelings for me whatsoever after 20 years together. I have been erased and am struggling with that fact. Help!

  137. gorgeous

    hi again Kim, that was a very quick response and i truly appreciate it.. honestly im not sure if my ex hubby is a fully-pledge narc or just exhibitng narcissistic traits.. how can i tell?

    he’s behavior since he left us tells me that he really is a narc.. he shows no respect to me, to the kids and even to his parents and relatives.. he is not like this before…

    he displays his mistress in public.. even in front of our kids and their (inlaws) relatives… they’ve been displaying their “so called” love affair in social media like FB and instgram..

    i tried the no contact rule, and guess what after 3 days of not responding to his calls and text.. he blocked me… a friend told me that his other woman asks him to do it..

    i still love him a lot honestly… what should i do?

  138. gorgeous

    wow this article is really amazin,, i’ve come to realize that my exhusband is a narc, i just can’t believe it but everything in here describes exactly who he was…. but i still want him back.. we’ve been together for 10 years… after 5 years of marriage he cheated on me… and then again this time….

    we have 4 kids,,, and im really considering/hoping to have him back… for our family and for the kids…

    please give me advice..

    1. Kim Saeed

      Gorgeous, I’d need to know more about your background to give advice about going back, but I can say this…

      If your husband is truly a Narc, going back “for the kids” is never a good thing. It doesn’t give them stability and further, it gives them a warped idea of what a loving relationship/marriage should be like. When children grow up with a Narcissistic parent, they frequently grow up to be Narcissists or codependents themselves…and the pattern keeps passing on down through the generations.

  139. tiffany

    Wow I read this and some stuff go with my ex this is crazy ! But I’m not sure if he’s a narcissistic… :/

  140. lolita

    Hi Kim and everyone! Firs of all thank you so much for this website!! I’ve go through a lot of your post and it has really help me through the situation i’ve been living for the last weeks..I was in a relationship with a guy who I think is a narcissist. Everything ended up with him cheating on me and me finding it out via Instagram… When I confronted on the phone as we live in different cities (1 hour away) he laughed at me… then tried to denied everything and then didn’t say a word… he sent then a text saying how sorry he was and that I didn’t deserve what he had done to me.. after I replied expressing all my disappointment, telling him that he was a big liar etc etc and that I wanted him to come and pick up his stuff from my house as soon as possible, he reacted as he couldn’t care less and sent me even a nasty message saying he did not want to hear from me anymore, two message in less than an hour one expressing how sorry he was the other being completely can this be possible?

    The guy had been practically leaving at my place and used to said that he had strong feelings about me, that he felt good about our relationship etc etc (I guess all part of the idealization phase). But to be honest I never trust him, something inside just told me something was off with him. He is a professional boxer and had always a lot of girls commenting on his FB profile, liking his pictures, he was always talking on facebook, also liking pictures on instagram and asking girls to add him (this I discovered later of course)..he was also always telling me how some girls were flirting with him, how he had a strong connection with other girls from his salsa-class (triangulation maybe?) lots of things that I think I had to consider a reg flag but I didn’t. One particular thing I remember is that he used to tell me that I was not very “expressive” about my feelings for him (I am a very rational person and I don’t say “I love you” that when I am really sure about where the relationship is going etc… he was always asking me if I loved him (a way of gaining supply maybe?) pff a lot of things that when I think of now I should have considered a red flag…

    After I dumped him and about 1 and 1/2 months of no contact he came back to me professing how much he misses me and how he misses everything about me, this while still being with the other girl, having gone on vacation together!! how can somebody be like this?

    I mention all this details because still, sometimes I doubt if he’s a narcissist or if he has another problem, because sometimes I still ask myself if I am the one who did a mistake, if he really fell in love with this other girl… although I think I could be wrong as nobody with real love and empathy would do something like this…

    Kim, is it possible to contact you or could you give me some guidelines mostly to know if I’ve identified the problem (him being a narc) ? or is this just crazy making behavior from a jerk? still don’t get what the difference between both of them is lol but I guess I would at least understand…

    Thank you !! for all your great postings and hope only the best for everyone here going through difficult times !

    PS: I am not a native english speaker so my apologizes in advance for any grammatical mistakes 😛

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Lolita! Thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. Your Ex does seem to show some signs of being Narcissistic, but usually the best way to tell is to go by your emotional symptoms. You can reach me at if you’d like 🙂

      Warmly, Kim

  141. Anonymous

    I appreciate websites that genuinely support and encourage people. This topic in particular is certainly new to me; as I have just recently as 2 weeks ago realized that I, myself, had been involved with a narcissistic psychopath. It literally blew my mind when I came upon this discovery. I’ve always thought of a psychopath being one who we see in movies torturing, killing people, etc. I had no knowledge that it was a narcissistic psychopath that I was in a relationship (sick game of charades) with for almost a year; living together, I might add. He took FULL advantage of me, played mind games, lied consistently, said mean things intentionally and then say that he was just joking (sometimes), he used exploited my kindness and never thought twice about the pain he was causing me. And talk about cognitive dissonance…. I experienced this so frequently, that it became part of my daily living experience after about 4 months into this sick game that I thought was a relationship. He toyed with my kind heart, eventually breaking it to pieces, over time. He really had his hooks in me to the point of doubting his “love” for me and doubting MY self at the same time. Every sign, clue, signal, red flag, along with my ever so faithful intuition, was evident and crystal clear. Nonetheless, I gave in to him, every time. Wondered how I could make our “relationship” better, tried to make things better, but nothing I ever did was EVER good enough for him. I thought I was losing my mind. One would feel that way after slowly but surely losing one’s self to another. My mind was so heavy, so clouded, drained. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. Until one day, as hard as it was to do, I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and that we had to conclude this mess of a life together. It wasn’t worth another minute of pain. That, of course, was a narcissistic injury to him and boy it was obvious. He had to see this coming though, because I began taking a stand for myself and really honing in on how he was treating me. And he began being more bold in his nasty, mean statements to me. At that time, I did know what “narcissistic injury” was, but playing it over in my mind, he threw a fit, blaming ME for HIS behavior. Just like all other times we’ve had problems, they were “MY” fault. EVERYTHING that ever went bad was, according to him, MY fault. It has been so difficult, treacherous, this agonizing time in my life, as his low-down selfish ways and how he sabotaged my life is constantly on my mind, I’m surfing the internet reading any and everything possible on the topic. Although we broke up, he’s moved out, he popped up unexpectedly; wanting sympathy from a made-up story about a “sick, dying relative.” And had the audacity to sniffle several times as if he was crying. I know about NO CONTACT. However, until I move, I really believe that leaving the line unblocked is a way of me at least partially knowing where his head is. I believe that blocking the phone line will only motivate him to come over which is not what I want. Ironically, he called and STILL popped up at my door as I was leaving the house one day and pushed me back inside. Honestly, I wasn’t afraid, (maybe I should’ve been) but I did file a police report so that the incident would be documented. He has a new and/or several relationships, I’m sure, and it bugs the heck out of me that he won’t just leave me alone. He has caused me more than enough damage to last me for very long time and now he’s just adding more intense insult to the already existing devastating injuries. This is a nightmare. I do understand and acknowledge that there are others who have and are currently experiencing much worse and I pray for us all. I’m literally having to start over because I can’t remain in this emotional funk that I am in. I’m yet giving him control, power, although indirectly and that won’t work. I’ve got to do better. It’s a process though. There’s much more to this, but for the sake of time and space, I’ll nip it right here. We will win. Stay strong….. We Will Win.

  142. redhead

    This is exactly what is happening to me. Word. For. Word.

    1. Anonymous

      I am dealing withe a similar situation although no kids involved. I moved out and then my lease is up and the entire year it was talking g about me moving back but now that the lease is about up he says his house isn’t ready. He’s been making all these plans with his friends and leaving me behind but still calls and still tells me he loves me. I too do not understand I feel like I’m going to lose it. I’ve gained 2lbs being in school working full time I took care of my mother for 2 yrs after 2 strokes she had and I’m tired and I feel like a huge fatty even though everyone says I’m crazy to think thus but my hope is gone. I feel lost and unsure if I will ever get through or even over this. I wish I had encouraging g words for you but you are not alone. I wish no e ever had to feel the way we do I am glad there is someone to talk with about it and know we are not the crazy ones even if I still feel like this. We deserve better!!!!

  143. Nelly

    It’s been 10 months since my separation from my cheating narc spouse. I put in divorce paperwork 7 months ago and it looks like we won’t be divorced until next year. He never wants to talk about the divorce or me bringing up the financial debt he’s left for me to pay back or the financial help I need for our two kids (YES i was pregnant when I found out he was cheating and got her pregnant too – smart girl got an abortion..he told me he loved me blah blah blah and now I’m left with a 2 year old and a 2 month old with no help from him). We’ve been going to court…since he lost his job I of course make way more money but my ability to pay is difficult considering i have student loans, bills, and now a repossessed vehicle to pay for (my husband’s truck that was under my name of course).

    When he sees me or feels like it, he’ll shoot me a text to go drink (as if I’m not breastfeeding), he’ll come over to see his kids and we end up fooling around (after a while i give in – I’m working on it but not having any physical touch with anyone else makes me miss it even if he’s been with other women). He says that if i wanted to make things work that id call and talk to him or try like he tried once upon a time but i don’t. instead i served him paperwork. Im stubborn too but as much as i love him, as long as he doesn’t change, i force myself to continue with the divorce because I know I’m my mind i deserve better even though my heart yearns for him.

    He left me with all the debt. EVERYTHING. THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and is walking away scott free. He’s made he needs to pay me child support now for a measly 200 dollars since I am left paying 1200.00 a month for childcare for the boys so I can return back to work! We’re suppose to go to mediation but he cancelled. When I drop off the boys and pick them up he’ll be his smirky self centered irritating self and joke around and help me put them in the car and he’ll text every few days about how the boys are…It drives me NUTS!!!!!! If he doesn’t want to be with me then WHY is he prolonging this divorce and waiting for the collection agency to come after me for all the debt i can’t keep up with? (which is what they’re planning on doing). Why does he text me as if nothing is wrong?

    The thing is he’s willing to play ball and work with me (at least verbally) if I am nice to him…but I am tired of being nice and being tricked!!! I don’t understand…please help!!!!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Nelly, I agree that one of the hardest challenges to overcome when detaching is ceasing physical intimacy. We are human and this is a natural desire. The problem, though, when engaging in lovemaking with the Narcissist is that women’s bodies release oxytocin, which makes us bond with the Narcissist and even become delusional that we can trust them.

      Did your lawyer determine the 200.00 for child support,or is it based off of your Ex’s income? Also, I don’t know what your debt consists of, but have you considered bankruptcy? You can’t include your student loans, but for the other debt, it might be worth considering. You won’t be able to get credit for a while, but you won’t be overwhelmed with the burden of all those payments.

      Also, I don’t know where you live, but do you have any Head Start Centers in your area for childcare? Or, at the very least, childcare that has fees based on your income?

      As far as his intrusive texts, just set up an auto-reply so that when he texts you about the kids, you can reply in a robotic manner, “They’re fine”. Just leave it at that every time and maybe his texts will begin to diminish. With modified contact, you want to keep it totally business-like…no emotion. Even if you feel frustrated,don’t let your Ex catch a whiff, because he is feeding off of your reactions.

      1. Calendula

        The N wants to cause suffering and despair.

        One school of thought is to NOT let him know that he got to you, because he’ll only laugh up his sleeve with smug self satisfaction, then try to get off that way some more, using you for the target again.

        Another school of though is the opposite: let him THINK that he got to you do that you can cut your losses there. He can go ahead and gloat that you’re “devastated” when actually, you just behaved that way to make him shut up and go away. Meanwhile, you set up the No Contact blocks so that the end was the end and it’s done and finite. Joke’s on him.

  144. ceecee halpert

    THAT’S IT!! You hit the nail on the head. What’s weird is seeing my former abuser follow the same exact pattern he did with me with his new woman. It’s almost as if I have script in hand and can tell what’s coming next. No contact is an issue with us because we have children together, so when I do have to be around him, I get bombarded with stories about their relationship *gag 😛 * In the meantime I’m ramping up my use of forums and help groups and pages such as yours. In a very odd way being able to see him in action is proving even more so to me that I was never crazy. The abuse did happen. None of it was my fault. He is sick. Thank you so much for this article. I had been wondering if anyone had any thoughts on being able to observe abuse from an outside standpoint. I’m just grateful my senses are heightened and I can see it now. No letting him back in from me, never…and I hope the new lady figures it out and gets out soon.

  145. Lindy

    After being thrown away for another woman, I find myself wound back up with my ex. We divorced 6 months ago after what I can only describe as being tortured with her existence, and I thought he would move her right into the house. However, he is playing all the games he played with me and denying her what she wants. He is using triangulation on her and saying all of these nice things about me now, and telling her if she doesn’t like that he is friends with me she can take a walk. (That’s what he says anyway. I don’t think he ever tells the truth) She actually followed me, hit his car and threatened him because she thought he was seeing me. Which sort of made me feel superior in a sick way after what I went through. I suppose that was part of the game though, to make me feel valued so he could drop me on my head again.

    It gets worse. I am feeling really lonely and he turned on the charm. I slept with him and not just once. It was almost like I was now the other woman. Now the discard is coming again. He doesn’t have time, she might find out, blah blah blah. Not answering my emails. The whole gamut of what they do to make you feel like trash.

    I am devastated that I let this happen out of loneliness and still having that feeling of wanting him to actually love me. My screwed up emotions were saying ” look he really does care about you and wants you back!” My head knows better. He doesn’t care about me at all, I am just a tool. He is a user, no one matters to him, least of all me. He tossed me out like I was trash and I still want him to love me? I feel like I will never get over this sick addiction to him. I need to move on but don’t know how to stop from being sucked in by him.

    I wonder exactly what is wrong with me that I have been such a fool for someone who isn’t worth anyone’s time or breath.

  146. Fovhth

    So talk to me about the desire in a victim to out the narcissist to his new woman and friends who think he walks on water? Is there a psychological benefit to standing up to him this way in the name of protecting the next person or letting him know he cannot get away with it and feeling like you have stood up for yourself and wasn’t bullied into silence? Or would it be the worst thing you can do to yourself.

    1. Kim Saeed


      The desire to “out” the Narcissist is very common. However, it rarely turns out the way one envisions. It usually ends up backfiring…

      1. Anonymous

        Totally backfires, however, after I outed him to his gF, he turns around and is going to marry her! But I feel that it’s the reason why I’m finally getting closure because she will finally see the true him once she lives with him.

        1. Fovhth

          That is exactly my feeling on it. I have a very good friend who was just discarded by a narcissistic man and she just keeps talking about how this was abuse (which I understand completely) and that outing him is saying I won’t be quiet (there is a past history of childhood abuse so she has linked them together and that speaking out now will be a strengthening act). My gut tells me it is the worst thing she can do because exactly that it will not ever be what she is envisioning and somehow it will backfire and just rip the scab off the wound. I was just curious in how it turns out for people who may have gone down that road for similar reasons. I want to understand it so I can explain why I feel so strongly this is not a good idea in terms that really take in the psychology behind it for someone who has really had this experience. Or be told she is right and I am wrong if that is what people experience

      2. Susan

        I wrote some things a few days ago which you did reply and I am grateful! I feel I need to say a little more about my situation! I’ve read the last few posts and theirs as well as your posts are exactly what my life has been for the past five years. Everything started out nice, he left me little notes, packed my lunch, text me sweet things (all of which were lies ) and then one day he asked me how much salt I was going to put on my food, and don’t I know not to put my hands on the wall that’s what children do ( we lived together and his steps to the basement has no railing) ( sometimes I would inadvertently put my hand on the wall to stable myself whether I was carrying something downstairs etc), don’t I know u don’t pierce a potato before you put it in the microwave, if I would only listen, there is a right way to do things and so on! This man has been in and out of jail more than I change my underclothes ( which I was unaware of his 30 yr run in with the law between DUI, driving under suspension, domestic violence and so on) but yet he seems to think if I only listen to him my life would be so much better! I’ve endured the physical abuse as well as emotional and yet to this day I still sometimes feel like maybe I pushed him to far! I myself became somewhat of a violent person! I was so distraught at times ( caring for my sick mother and watching her die) I unraveled! There were times I felt I might lose so much control it scared me! It wasn’t until recentl that he started calling me names like wide load and cow ass! Which I am neither! I am not perfect and I did gain a few pounds working full time, going to school and taking care of my mom until she died! I have been exhausted and I started having panic attacks! Last night it dawned on me my mom is no longer here, I am parent less ! I felt an overwhelming amount of fear! I’ve lost everything I knew for 40 yrs of my life, my parents, the house I grew up in! Everything has changed and I don’t even. Know what to do much less who I am anymore! There are times I am so sick of him and then there are times I feel like if I wouldn’t have yelled or become upset or if I would do this or that differently he wouldn’t be this way! Then I think Jesus I’m nuts to think that! You mentioned c-PTSD and I fit a lot of the criteria! I wonder if I am ever going to get through this?! We still live apart but he is still controlling my life and yes I know I allow it! I just don’t know how to stop it because I don’t want to hurt anymore! Losing my mom is still too fresh 8 months tomorrow so I just feel like I can’t do this! I feel like I’m going to sink! I have 11 months of school left and it’s getting very hard to focus! In jan we were in school 2 days when she passed I had to bury her become executor and continue with school , I have been going ever since! I just don’t know how much more I can take and I don’t know what to do! I am totally lost! ,

  147. Sherry Lawless

    I really needed to stumble on to your blog today! I am amazed at how much I can relate. I was married for 10 years and during the last few years things got out of control. My ex husband got hurt, which put him out of work for 4 years. During that time depression set in, he formed an addiction to pain meds and alcohol which then turned into an addiction to herbal bath salts. The last year of our marriage was unbearable. He was in complete denial, out of his mind, aggressive, mentally abusive, yada..yada..yada. To this day, I don’t know how I did it, but I got my son and me out of the situation and moved away. Within a month of us leaving, he had a new girlfriend, and a new addiction to crack. He refused to move out of the house we owned, so I was paying for the mortgage while him and his girlfriend lived there. That fortunately only lasted about 6 months and he ultimately ended up in jail and now has a felony record.
    I carry an enormous amount of guilt over our marriage failing. I go to counseling and have come a long way, but it slips in. It’s been 2 years since I moved away for a new job in a new state and it’s still hard. He has had multiple girlfriends along the way, been in rehab twice without completing, and currently moved in with his latest serious girlfriend. Our divorce is still not final, but he continually asks about it, since he wants to remarry.
    Throughout these past two years, it has been a confusing roller coaster. He has attempted to apologize for the the things he did, but then he flips and tells me that I am the one who divorced him and left him. He still blames me for everything!
    He has only spent 1 week with our son in two years, and had said his goal was to fly him to spend Christmas with him, but when he realized how much it was going to costs, he said he couldn’t afford to have him there. Yet, I have brought my son to visit him twice on my dime. I don’t understand the selfishness. I think I keep trying to wrap my head around some kind of rational that I know I’ll never get.
    It’s very hard getting past the past! I have not dated since I left. Plus, I am a single mom with no family around, so I don’t generally get a day off. I worry about why I haven’t dated. Is it because I am holding on to the past? Is it fear? Low self esteem/worthlessness? I know I’ll get there someday, but I gotta say…a girl gets lonely! 😉 Really appreciate you sharing your story!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Wow, I remember those days, Sherry. Single mom, no one around to lend a helping hand. I finally turned to, found a great babysitter, and started taking myself out on dates 🙂

      If you get the chance, you may want to try out some of the healing tools here on the site. Guided meditations and reading books by inspirational authors are a good place to start.

      It takes a while to heal, but if you focus on it, it seems to happen more quickly. Best of luck, and thank you for stopping by and commenting!


  148. Susan

    I’ve been reading the posts and comments as I too am in an emotionally abusive relationship! I left him 3 times the third time getting my own place! All this while working, taking care of my sick mother and school! I listened every time he would cry and let him back in my life! This weekend we are suppose to go away and for a couple days I haven’t felt good so I suggested he pick up some dinner since he was already out he said sure, then it went to an argument of what to get and why couldn’t I go out and pick it up if I was willing to go over to his house I could surely pick up food! I obviously wasn’t that sick according to him , then he texts me” cheap ass, who do thinks paying for this weekend”. We were going away and having his son and granddaughter come! I don’t even know why I’m so upset! There has been physical abuse and loads of emotional abuse! I just never understood! I buried my mom 8 months ago and everything I grew up and knew is gone and he has been an ass the entire time! Yes it is nones fault but my own but I feel like I can’t move on! We’ve been on tons of vacations which I love but mostly fighting at all of them , and there’s just so much to my story I don’t think I would live long enough to tell it! I am fully aware that he is indeed a sociopath one of the most dangerous kinds so my therapist said which I truly believe her! He reminds me of Ted Bundy! Very charming, good looking, manipulative, lies! He’s an alcoholic also been in and out of trouble with the law for thirty years! BTW he is 50, no changes happening soon for this whatever you call him , he’s definitely not human! So why can’t I walk away? Why do I think about everything he’s done to me and go totally numb? I’m exhausted and feel totally lost and numb

    1. Kim Saeed


      Thank you for reading my blog and for sharing your story.

      There’s a high possibility that you are suffering from trauma-bonding, PTSD, C-PTSD, and addiction to “victim” peptides. Has your therapist mentioned any of these conditions? If not, you may want to suggest them to her so she can begin the work of helping you overcome them.

      Best of luck!


  149. lavandalo

    Hi! I have a question for you! What do you think triggers the devaluation stage in a Narcissist? I mean, i was in a relationship with one for 9 months and I constantly wanted to break it up, he broke up many times and I didn’t, but he always said he was afraid of me not really wanting to be with him… I only saw an insecure man and I wanted to give myself the chance, but it didn’t feel entirely okay. Now that I came back to him once again, now he used me for sex and admitted it… I would’ve thought my early rejections would’ve triggered this, or other situations in which he had me more in love, but it was precisely when we were both asking ourselves if being together was the right choice. In an adult way. THEN he did this to me (while I thought we were reconciling) he admitted he wanted to have sex with me while knowing he wanted to break up. It shocked me, I only cried. And I ask myself… what is it that triggers their most devaluating act? is it when they feel the victim is no longer playing the game or when the victim starts rejecting something about them, when they appear fully in love or when they appear weak and fragile? what do you think?

  150. dropped like a rock

    I remember my church thinking I was the poorest person on earth. When they found out my husband was one of the richest in town, you can only imagine what they thought. No wonder my husband of 24 years never wanted to go anywhere with me. He knew they would have him figured out. Because we were married I accepted that he was selfish and didn’t share. I didn’t need a fancy car, nice clothes, or vacations. But, when he decided to let me tag along, I felt so good. His “friends” actually wannabes idolize him so much it makes me throw up. When he marries this GF who he left me for, I feel that I will finally get closure because FINALLY someone will get to know the real him. She won’t tell anyone but I will know and she will have to eat her words from the beginning when she had to make herself hate me. Now she knows that just out of the blue he wants to break up. then when she’s had it he comes back. Now that he is marriying her after just getting back to gether after cheating (although he doesn’t consider it cheating becaue he told her he wanted to break up first) she probably thinks that he really does love her because he’s marrying her, just like I did. Only now, the kids won’t inherit anything, she’ll benefit instead

  151. Jen

    Where do I begin….after 35 years together and him constantly belittling me from my weight to moving his razor, I was unable to do anything right. March 8th 2014 I found out he was having an affair with a Brazilian woman 10 years younger another fitness freak . Early in our marriage I was unfaithful and tired feverishly to make it up to him although a i ever heard was I never let him heal…he was totally self absorbed, always giving himself the best of everything and leaving me was like turning off a lightswitch. he kept telling me he just couldn’t think and then would change his story to telling me how the new gf is everything. I found a secret phone with him professing how she was everything and his princess, same thing he called me..this went on even up until our divorce he saud he was breaking up with her several times but I was harrassing him and didn’t give him time to explain things to her, thus my fault again why he didn’t break it off….This person is supposedly a psychologist and lawyer in Brazil, no papers and has lots of $$$$..he has very little to do with our kids…all of this is because he said he has never been happy. Does someone really wait 26 years to punish someone, I told him I forgave him when I found out but his story changed again from he couldn’t walk away to he had committed the ultimate betrayal. this has left me feeling totally disabled. prior to this he would throw comments in such as there isn’t much of a market fir women your age to perfect the one you’re with, to you look sexy one minute to you need to loose weight another. I have lost 40 lbs. after leaving no longer having to gear his constant belittling comments.. it has been a rollercoaster of emotions for us all. He even went as to tell his family. My neighbors saw him leave and I was defending him just being with his friends, I gave him complete freedom never questioning his schedule, he only works 3 days a week so plenty of time for his so called boredom.The lies have been endless , I’m just having a hard time with acceptance after the brainwashing I have experienced his other classic comment was if I ever found anyone I would tell you….looking back this comment alone is crazy. When I received the text back in Oct that he didn’t want to be married and didn’t love me anymore i should have been more aware of what was happening. if anyone else sees the warning signs be smart, don’t give them the benefit if the doubt, if your head tells you something isn’t right, you aren’t the crazy one.

  152. Caitlin

    Wow your blog has been so incredibly helpful to me. I was with my ex for 5 years until I finally couldn’t take it and I left him after he stole money from me, cheated on me, was in and out of jail, couldn’t hold a job, drinking heavily and doing drugs, and just treated me so badly.

    However, after I broke up with him for the next 2 years he changed everything about himself and just became this whole new person and kept telling me how much he loved me and that he couldn’t be with anyone else. His family was telling me that they have never seen him love someone as much as he loved me or even tried to be with someone as much as me. It seemed as if I was his entire world, he never even had tried this hard in the beginning. He had just become the most amazing person I have ever known and claimed to me and to everyone that he did this for me. We remained very close for those two years as well. So I took him back even though I felt in the back of my head it was probably not a good idea because I didn’t really trust him.

    Within about a 3 month span he quit being the person he was being for those two years, he stopped all efforts, started doing drugs again, and drinking heavily again, he told me that I made him miserable, that I was the reason that he was drinking so bad again, he told me that I was too controlling and expected to much of him and he couldn’t be himself. He told me that it hurt him that I couldn’t trust him even though I was starting to catch him talking to other girls again. But at the same time he wanted to have a baby with me I was so confused by everything. (I actually got pregnant but had a very early miscarriage) Then the day came that he told me he just couldn’t be with me anymore because he did not want me the way he thought he did. The next thing I knew he was with this girl that was his really good friend for a while. She had just got out of a really bad relationship with her previous boyfriend. My ex use to tell me how bad he would treat her and how she would let him do whatever he wanted. My ex would always say how crazy he thought it was that she would allow her boyfriend to treat her in that way. I always would say well that’s how you treated me and he would say he knew and he felt really bad about it.

    They started dating immediately so I stopped talking to him. Within a month of dating she was pregnant and they were so happy, they flaunted it everywhere on all social media. I was so upset because he wanted a baby with me and left me while I was miscarrying. However, he still kept trying to contact me and kept wanting to spend time with me. Which confused me even more. I broke no contact and slowly but surely became the “other woman”. I feel trapped because I continue to want him and love him. Even though I know he doesn’t love me. He is very happy with her and they had there baby and they are like this perfect family. But for the entire year that they have been together he contacts me. I’m wondering when he will stop doing that it drives me crazy! He has to stop soon I mean he left me for her! They have a baby together but he still won’t leave me alone. He always seems to come back even after not talking for a few months.

    Finally about a week ago I told him never to talk to me again, and that I hated him and I didn’t want anything to do with him. He said okay and I have not heard from him since. However, we have gone about 4 months without talking. But I’m hoping that he won’t contact me after me telling him how much I hated him.

    I’m so sorry for the long post but I just feel like I have been stuck in this prison almost a decade and we aren’t even together anymore.

    1. Caitlin

      Sorry I wanted to clarify the longest we have ever gone without talking is 4 months. We started talking again after that and then a week ago I told him all of those things.

    2. Kim Saeed

      Caitlin, I am sorry about your painful past with this guy, but glad to know you’re finally out of that relationship.

      If you really want to move on without fear of his contacting you, the best thing to do is block him from everything: phone, SMS, email, and all social media avenues. Until you do that, you’ll always be in a sort of limbo, as it seems you are in now. Your subconscious mind is aware that at any moment, there’s the possibility that he will send a message or call, and you won’t be able to move forward in life successfully. It’s literally an invisible prison we build for ourselves. But, you have the power to prevent that by blocking him.

      Even though he hasn’t contacted you, you’re not really in NC because he still has the ability to reach out if he so decides. Take your power back and block him so you can move on.

    3. dropped like a rock

      Be glad you do not have children with him. N have a way of causing competition to create jealousy and it’s tortuous. I was with my ex for 25 years. He was always so convincing. Finally his sister moved in with us for a year and told me that he tries working the kids against me. It wasn’t until they had a chance to live with him after the divorce that they realized I wasn’t the enemy and the best part? They told me that him and his gf(now fiance) have a shallow relationship and she tries to make him jealous, she does the boo-hoo me on social media when she’s mad at him. and actually invited one of my daughters over to introduce her to her date! 2 weeks later she’s back with my ex. I told her to keep my kids out of her drama and she sent my ex my email and told him that she’s done with him. He asked her to marry him 2 months later. I guess that’s what happened to me. I kept thinking that he must love me because he is marrying me even though he acts like I’m an inconvenience when we’re together. blah blah blah. I know what it’s like behind closed doors and I truly did not feel closure until I found out they were getting married. And it’s been 6 years since he left me to go rescue her from a cheating husband. I think the reason why is because I’ve tried so hard to make people see that evil side of him and they never will. She will finally meet his evil twin once they move in together, but she’ll never tell. I will know.
      It’s more important for N to impress strangers than people close to them. She’s not a stranger anymore.
      What hurts me is that he became so rich while were married but was able to hide it. I did receive money but nothing compared to what she’ll get when he dies. I basically got a year’s salary from him. I always thought my children would get his assets so I took out a life insurance policy so at least they get some from me. He takes her to so many places. But, they don’t speak when they return and I hear through the grapevine that he ignored her on the trip. But, people don’t hear that.

      Anyway, what I find is that I feel like I’m rambling because there is no short explanation. We refuse to believe that the love wasn’t real because it looks like they are loving someone else. But, they don’t. In my case, the gf only saw him on the weekends every other weekend. He has to work hard at being nice. And once a week he could do. 7 days a week, not a chance. If she wouldn’t have been so mean to me in the beginning, I would stick up for her when his friends make fun of her to me.

  153. anonymous 89

    I was in a relationship with my ex N for 2 yrs…it’s crazy that I’d seen signs of him being unstable yet I continued to be with him because I thought my love and support for him would make him change! Man oh man was I wrong. 🙁 He was “Awesome” in the beginning….I thought I’d finally met a great guy. We’d talk about anything and everything. ..dates were always nice and fun…and we’d hit it off well! After a few months of dating “honeymoon” phase one particular night we went out to a movie and dinner then after that I went home. Well when I got home I didn’t call him immediately and he was mad & said ” I guess you don’t like me”. Which was shocking to me because things had been going great. He ignored me for several days after that and because he has me wrapped around his finger unbeknownst to me…I called until I got through and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.

    We started having intercourse…. few months after that he moved in with me. Big mistake I know! Shortly after him moving in he got me pregnant but I lost the baby. … then the name calling and belittling began. He told me I’d lost the baby on purpose and that I was a horrible mother to my 1st child. (Not his) But I only lost the baby because I got sick & the doc prescribed me some meds that wasn’t safe during pregnancy. I was really early in my 1st trimester so…it went undetected on the test. Come to think about it. ..I believe God was warning me bit I didn’t listen. So going through this emotional time and dealing with my N I still had hope that he change. & we tried for another baby…and it worked! So months were rolling by I had been jumped on, choked, slapped, called out of my name many times accused of cheating when if I wasn’t at work or school I was with him and even spit on. I had become so deep into this relationship that I didn’t know how to get out! I had become a victim of narcissistic abuse. Sad some of this stuff my oldest son had been a witness to. Im angry at myself for allowing him to stay in our lives for so long. Im skipping parts because it would be a book by the time I got finished. The baby came January of this year and he was supportive. ..smh at least thats what I thought! But really me just depending on him for everything is why he stayed around I was on complete bedrest 5/9 months of my pregnancy so I was perfect for his supply. Shortly after the baby was born. …. not even 2 months ltdr….he began seeing another woman. Who I known nothing about until I looked on social media one day! I confronted him & of course he denied it. So out of devastation msg her on Fb and we argued back and forth. She Tells Me shes Pregnant. …so im wondering where in heck she came from and how long was she around???

    I took him back after a month of separation. …and he swore up and down that she was a fling and she wasn’t pregnant! (He’s such a Liar) A few mnths went by and we rekindled things. .so I thought. This girl or any other girl seemed to had disappeared. WRONG AGAIN. day. He says you have to put that girl in her place! He told me she had been calling n texting. ..and talking about our son & myself. ..he hated her and wanted nothing to do with her. (Lied Again) So now I was enraged and I called her. She starts telling me alllll about what he’s said about me and 98 % was a lie.

    I had then realized that I’d been discarded. He denied everything no matter faced with truth. ..he’s so cold he lies straight to your face. Anywho in the back of my head I knew he was lying. ..of course I didn’t want to believe it. Just a week ago he was begging me to be with him but I didn’t and as soon as I said no. He was with her a couple hours later. And she texted my phone to make sure I knew that. I tried to warn her and told her about him but she thinks I’m the crazy ex and it only made it look even more like that because we were still messing around. Just saw a pic of her on fb and she is indeed pregnant. 5 months and having a boy! Smh I just hate that I was used lied to and manipulated! So just last night he starts an argument calling and texting me telling me how mad he was and upset he was that I left & it hurt him. But the whole relationship was a lie based on his intention. So after arguing back and forth. .. he didn’t text for about 8 hours. Then starts texting again saying disrespectful hurtful things. ..didn’t really bother me so I lashed out and responded strong as if I didn’t care which after I applied the no contact rule for a week I actually started not to care! He tells me to leave him alone and to get a DNA test for our child that we planned! He’s with his wife now! & she believes everything he says even when I gave her plenty of proof before that he wasn’t being truthful.

    Does this sound like NPD or was. I jst a fool??
    I’m already working on getting myself back and I feel free…however I just need to know if I’m onto Something or just got Played

    1. Kim Saeed

      Anon, I’m not able to make diagnoses for NPD, but I can say he exhibits some of the traits. That’s a very common question, though. The more important one would be, how does/did he make you feel? If he lied, was dishonest, played you, he doesn’t deserve your affection either way.

      You’re not a fool. You’re in a very good place to completely detach from this toxic relationship and begin healing. Wishing you all the best in your recovery. I hope you’ll have the chance to experiment with some of the healing tools on the site.

  154. Veronica

    Can I ask why my husband (long distance relationship) denies his other woman to me when everyone where he lives knows he has a woman? When I confronted him about this and other misdemeanours he basically abused me down the phone and hang up. Sent nasty texts telling me to ‘fix up and find another man’ etc. I have implemented NC for 3 weeks now but he has texted me since asking how our 9 month daughter is – I have not replied. Then 3 days later ‘I am so sorry for being a monster and I know you must hate me’ – Still I did not respond. The OW knows all about me. She gives him money which her boyfriend (In USA) sends her weekly and she gives it to my husband, who I stopped sending money to when I started to realise what he was up to. What I can’t get over is she has a man anyway. Please may you answer. Many thx!

    1. Kim Saeed


      In most cases, men will not confess to having a lover, whether Narcissistic or not. (Nor a woman who is having an affair). When we find ourselves wondering why they lie, it’s because we are projecting our own moral code and values onto them. It’s better to accept that there are people who aren’t like us.

      The nasty then nice texts are a form of crazy-making. Most all of them do that, especially the overt types. It’s also a way of gaining Narcissistic supply, as well as hoovering. It’s great that you’re not responding, because to engage with them in any way rewards this twisted behavior.

      I know what they are doing seems unacceptable to you, but there are large segments of society who don’t live by societal and/or moral values. It’s better to simply protect yourself from these people. If you don’t have a custody arrangement set up, then go apply for custody. If he isn’t around to visit his daughter, that may work in your favor. Then, make the leap and block him so that he can no longer keep you enmeshed in his twisted world.

      1. Thank you for yr reply. I just feel the need to redeem myself to his family as he has told them that ‘I need help’ etc etc. There’s so much I could go into but it’s just a waste of energy and you probably heard it before but It’s clear that my wanting him back ( a few weeks ago) seems to reflect some inner issues that I probably have. And my ego. I know he treats his OW badly at times. So my only revenge (which I can’t help wanting) is to move on and be a success in my own right!
        Thank you for your blog, it helps so much.

        1. Kim Saeed


          I know how you feel. My Ex smeared my reputation to his family, too. According to him, I was a drug-addicted, alcoholic slut who went dumpster-diving for my meals.

          I finally got to the point where I didn’t care what he was saying about me. You are right, the best revenge is a life well-lived!

          Thank you for your kind comments and for reading my blog <3

  155. Lina

    I just recently realized my ex is a narcissist. Its been a year since the official breakup we were together 5 years engaged. On the first night he hooked up with the OW he brought her to our bed. Hid the affair for 2 months and then dumped me saying it my fault because I’m too demanding and difficult. I was helping him for 5 years, financially, emotionally (although he never let me get too close) and he just dropped me like trash. The OW, nothing like me, I’m educated, very beautiful and I consider myself a woman of taste. The ow..uneducated, unattractive, but the kind of girl who’s obviously been passed around a lot, she actually looks really old when in fact she’s in her 20’s. I can’t get over this….makes even less sense and more difficult to understand why would he leave me for someone like that..but I guess she’s new and shiny to him..and obviously gives it all up straight away. Anyway…after he left he came back and I took him back. lasted 6 remorse. My crying actually annoyed him. After a while he dumped me for her again (again hid the affair for a month before coming clean and leaving). No contact for 3 months…then we ran into each other on the street…started up again. He told me he cheated on the other girl, but there was no sex involved so in his book its not really cheating. He was also saying crap about her and actually taking pleasure from her angry outburst and misery when he ended it. I knew it was wrong…I told him but he refused to cut contact with her. 2 months and guess what…he’s back with her again.Ladies don’t be fooled and take them back…they have no soul and every time they do this which they will, you will just feel more and more crap. I’m slowly moving on now…blaming myself for being such an idiot. The only thing I can’t let go of is the idea that he will stay loyal to her this time and that they might actually be happy. My logic tells me no way, and knowing how he is and how he cares about nothing but himself and his own needs. But I still feel sick that it had to be her…

  156. I’m enjoying reading your archives, and I just have to laugh out loud at some of the things you state about the characteristics of the narcissist because they are so right on. I was blind when I left my relationship last October. I knew he was a liar and a cheat, but I had no idea how cold and unfeeling he really was until he met his new supply and no longer needed anything from me. I was not familiar with narcissism, and when I began to read about it, I was so happy to find material that spoke so clearly to me. Truly, I felt as if I had struck gold. I read everything I could and educated myself in order to find strength and make sense of it all. My N. was in another committed relationship within 5 weeks to a woman with lots of $$$ who fell head over heels in love with him. This was during the holiday season. It hurt like hell, but all I could think of was live it up now honey because a year from now the man you think you have fallen in love with will not be there, maybe physically, but he won’t emotionally because he never was there to begin with. It’s easy to think the other woman has it better, and in the beginning she does. You are so right, just give it time—they may be together for years to come, but the hell isn’t worth it, and there will be hell. All the narcissist has to give is pain, and he’ll bring her down just like all the rest. She’ll learn who he is, as we all do, eventually.

  157. Jeannine

    I have just found this blog and it is helping me come to terms with what has just happened to me. I have been married for 17 years to a man who I believe has borderline personality disorder, together with depression and suicidal tendencies. To cut a long story short, there was infidelity and verbal abuse and eventually I could no longer deal with the angry outbursts and the temper tantrums over the most minute things. My soon to be ex husband is in therapy again and I hope that things will improve. A lot of what is written here makes me think that he also had NPD. HOWEVER, to top it all off, I had an affair (yes, I know I was wrong) with a man who swept me off my feet. I was so desperately lonely and unhappy in my marriage and tried so hard to make it work with no help from my husband that I literally fell into the arms of another man. This man entered into my world and made me feel as though I had finally met my soul mate – I couldn’t believe my luck. He was so kind, caring and attentive. It was initially an online relationship and then I visited him in the UK and he visited me twice in The Netherlands – he was amazing in every way. I did notice however that he was not so forthright in his emotions, although he did tell me tons about his childhood (father abandoned him, was in foster care, tried to kill himself twice as a teenager) my nurturing came in (same as my husband who also came from a neglectful childhood). This man gave me the strength to walk out of my marriage and he promised me the world. I then moved back to my home country of South Africa and this new man promised he would return in a few months as well (also South African) He was so good to me, sent me flowers and chocolates for my birthday and texted me and phoned me and said he couldn’t wait to move back to be with me.

    He told me he loved me every single day and that I was his first true love and that nobody would ever compare to me. That I was the most beautiful woman he had ever been with – reading all this now makes me embarrassed and ashamed that I believed everything he said. He was so different to my husband and listened to me and seemed too good to be true. I was broken from an unhappy marriage and I fell hook, line and sinker. We were intimate physically and also many online sex texting etc. The physical feelings that I experienced I have never had before in my life, so I wrongly assumed this was the one. He even said he wanted to marry me and sent pictures of places were we could marry and said as soon as both of us were free we would marry.

    He told me he was living separate lives from his wife and that they were in separate rooms and that they were together only for the children. He seemed like such a decent and kind man even on the open public FB forums that we frequented and where we met.

    His communication however began to wane recently and I questioned him on this. I told him that I cold deal with this to a degree but I needed more from him. I gave him a chance to leave and he never wanted it – told me he so wanted us. This was on Monday last week. Called me babe, lover, honey, hun, sexy, telling me I love you that entire week. He even told a friend of mine last Friday that she must make sure that no man steals his love. On that same Friday, my husband and I had a major argument with regards to visitation with our children as my son refused to go to my husbands house – I was in a state and asked my new man to please phone me as I really needed him. He said he was unable as he was off site and could only phone later – I was annoyed as I was in a real state and needed his support. I never heard from him that entire night, nor the next morning. That afternoon I got a message saying it’s over and he cannot do this anymore. I asked his reasoning and he said he will not give up his life in the UK. A few days previous he told me that he loved me with all his heart and that never will he stop loving me. I then asked him whether he still loved me (remember the day before he loved me) – he then said, not anymore. I immediately deleted his number off my phone and a few hours later, I unfriended him on FB. I was devastated and humiliated. The next morning when I checked my FB, he had blocked me. It was a very very tough weekend last week. It feels like a double whammy with a difficult divorce and now this. I made no contact with him for the entire week and had no intention of contacting him. He however had tried on two occasions to contact a friend of mine (who he has recently befriended because of me and her being friends) she was the one who he asked must make sure no other man steals me. She ignored both his attempts. Then on Friday this friend of mine said that my man had contacted her again. He asked if she could please pass a message onto me. He wanted her to tell me that he has had a girlfriend for the last 5 weeks and this new woman is on the same level as him – she is 28 and he is 44. I am 41. To say I was stunned is an understatement. During this supposed 5 weeks that he has had this new girl, he has been sending me naked pics of himself, sex texting me, declaring his love for me, telling me he cannot wait to be here in South Africa on the beach with me and my kids, telling me he loves me and my children and that he loves me with his heart. He even told me a week previous that he had turned down a promotion at work because he was moving to be with me.

    I had left him and ignored him – he wanted to hurt me by making sure that I knew he has this new woman. He even sent a picture of her to my friend to pass onto me. I have never felt so betrayed and actually flummoxed at what happened. And my friend asked me why he wanted me to know all this – she said that I had left him alone, ignored him and deleted all his details, why the need for me to know this stuff. His answer – I want to make sure that she doesn’t contact me. I never contacted him, i left him alone.

    Since then I have no idea if anything that he told me was true. I have actually sent an apology letter to his wife. I said I have no idea what is true now or not (apparently he had told her about me) – I said I was under the impression that they were separated, but that may have been lies too. I offered her my deepest sympathies and said I was ashamed and that I am so so sorry. I also told her that she deserves better than a man who betrays like this and I hope that she finds happiness one day. They have been married for 22 years.

    I am still reeling and not sure which way to turn. I do feel as though I am having withdrawal symptoms right now and its the most awful feeling. Thank you for listening to my LOOOOOONG post – it has certainly helped to put it down on paper. Was I dealing with a narc here. A friend of mine whose husband was a narc and threw her out after 16 years, has assured me he is. Any advice would be welcomed. Thanks again 🙂

    1. Kim Saeed

      Jeannine, thank you for sharing your story. I know how heart-wrenching that must have been.

      Your Ex does seem to exhibit many of the traits of a Narcissist, but I’m not a psychologist, so am unable to make an official diagnosis. However, the main point isn’t really whether he’s disordered, but that he treated you very unfairly and cruelly.

      You are correct in observing that the end of the relationship feels like withdrawal, because that’s what it is in many ways. There are psychological and biochemical addictions to overcome in the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship. If you’d like to get over those feelings of withdrawal and betrayal, it will take time and a lot of self-work. It won’t really go away on its own. If you haven’t already, you may find benefit from some of the healing tools I have listed on my site. Meditations, cutting energy ties, reading books by some of the authors I suggested, etc. Those things are a good place to start.

      Best of luck, Jeannine. I’ve been where you are now, but the good news is that if you turn your focus onto your recovery and are consistent, you will heal.

  158. Anonymous

    I was discarded after a 10 year relationship. The funny thing is, I am in the mental health field and my best friend has written many books on cluster b individuals so you would have thought someone would have figured this out, only he isolated me a bit. Now I realize that because of what I do I was a huge conquest and fooling my friend was also a huge high for him.
    My story isnt that much different then the others, but I am sad. Just started going to therapy 2 weeks ago. I told her my story and BAM she told me, ” your ex never loved you, will never love you and doesnt miss you. Your ex is a cluster B male, a psychopath, a narcissist.”. Ouch, hit me hard, but then it made so much sense. I have spent the last 2 weeks reading everything i can to understand this, it has also helped me to read this material when I start to miss him, which brings me back to reality. It has also helped me to think of him an object as opposed to a human being, because lets face it, true people dont treat others like that. It is like I have an imaginary friend. All the memories I have belong to me alone, it is no longer us, but just me.
    He sent me a text yesterday morning to let me know he is going to be a grandfather. I responded with “congratulations, Im sure this must be a very confusing time for you”. His response was “yes it is, thanks”. My hope is that with my unemotional flat response will send him away for good.
    He has humiliated me. Slept with my coworkers (we work for the same agency). His kids knew his cheating ways, as did his friends; as did I, but his charm and manipulation would bring me back in and I would put all the red flags on the back burner. This was an ongoing process for 10 years. He is now in the idealization phase with someone else who has children. Part of me wants to warn her, but this will be no good because he will just tell her that I am crazy, so hopefully she will catch on quicker then I did.
    Throughout our relationship I called him on his lack of emotion i would often tell him he is like an empty shell. I think making these statements set me up for a bigger and more devastating discard, it made him dislike me more. About 2 months ago I made the statement to him ” you are no good for me”, he looked at me with the strangest look and said ” i known Im not.”
    So now I am healing. Its hard. I have a huge void in my heart but I need to be careful how I fill it, he would like to to be in destructive ways, but I will not allow that as I dont want to give him that power. For the first time in 10 years, I am the priority. Again, its hard. I would give anything for this to be different, for him to be human and have feelings, to at least be told I was truly loved by him, buts its never going to happen.
    Someday I want to have to opportunity to tell him who he is, but of course he will probably look at me very flatly and say “im sorry you feel that way” or something close to that, again putting it back on him.

  159. Jayne

    I am so glad I’ve just read your article, my N bf of 2 years left me last week for another woman. We have an 18month old son, yes I got caught by his charm, saying and doing all the right things. But that didn’t last the abuse started once I became pregnant, the fatter I became to worse his comments became – things like – I can’t make love to you while your so fat. I’m sure he had many other women during our relationship as sex was non existent once I’d given him what he wanted – a son! But When he left last week he said he still would like another baby with me but wanted to be bf to this other girl (who is 10years younger than him) and still wants to come round to mine at weekends for family days with our son (because he thinks he’s a great dad but in fact he just cherry picks the bits he wants to do, never helped at night, never made a meal, doesn’t like being left on his own with him, on the occasions I did he hounded me with messages to hurry back or not to b late etc) he knows how much I wanted more children as we both discussed wanting two/three children during the honeymoon period. He’ told me a few weeks ago that if I don’t decide to have another baby with him soon he will have to find someone else because he wants more than 1 child. My concern is that he is adamant he wants more children and I’m worried he has hooked up with this younger lady to have another baby (during a recent conversation he said because at 37 I was getting too old and had more risk of problems during pregnancy) I’m only on day 3 of no contact as seeing him flaunt his new gf all over social media ( he is obsessed with social media , it fuels his ego and he paints a picture of himself that isn’t him at all) was just too much to bare. I still need to maintain contact because of our son, but I’m so worried for this other girl that she’s falling into the same trap . Do I warn her? That just looks like the angry ex? I’m so worried more children and lives are going to b ruined. How do I stop the destruction he is causing? Fair enough he’s probably going to continue having short term relationships but to get children involved is just heartbreaking. He has had many short term relationships ( often with single mums, me included) and has erectile dysfunction,. The short lived relationships has been his life, using his dysfunction as an excuse for women not staying around. I am his longest relationship (2years) and this is the first time a child is involved but I’m so worried there is soon to be more with his new woman as he worries about age and getting too old , he worries about how rare he gets an erection during sex and wants more children before it’s too late, it just has panic button written all over it, like me – convince her to get pregnant quick before the erections stop. He’s already told me she wants more children and it will b sooner rather than later,. Do I warn her? It’s like a carbon copy of the start of our relationship 2 years ago. What a mess!!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Jayne, thank you for reading my blog and for commenting. Typically, there isn’t a good outcome when attempting to warn the new girlfriend. As you suggested, he will use the event to try to make you seem unstable. If she comes around to you asking questions, that’s a bit different. The best thing to do would be to let this guy go and focus on you and your child. Best of luck, Jayne <3

  160. kim I have been reading all of your advice. its amazing, I, on the other hand am a very different story. I need help. iv been in an abusive relationship for 4 years…each year is worse. right at this moment I have bruses all on my arms, back, an shoulders. a huge cut down my side from being pushed. and a mental state I cant explain. he hates me an wants me to leave…I have somewhere to go if I truly need. I cant seem to let myself leve him. I don’t know why. I love him , an care for him. iv lost ALL my friends. an I have a 1 year old nephew iv seen twice. im terrified on a daily basis. you would think I would leave. I don’t know why I don’t. I don’t have money for counsling. an I know too many people where I live to try to get free help. I want to leave him on my own if possible. kim, I honestly want to be happy an free. im coming to you because I have no other resources. maybe you could explain more on why I wont leave…when he is begging me to, he tells me everyday he hates me, im stupid, fat, ugly, usless, an other names that I will not repeat. when he tells me to leave…all I do is cry. I know I can move home. but I have no job no car no friends. so I would be stuck in misery. you would think im in misery now. in my head, being home is more miserable. yet theres no physical abuse there. kim, im scared on day, I may not wake up from his hit. or worse, im scared I could turn on myself. please, if you have any resources, or advice, kind words even. I need them.

    1. Kim Saeed

      aka, there are many reasons why you feel you can’t leave him, but part of it is that you are likely holding out for some type of validation from him. Especially if you were emotionally neglected or abused as a child (though you didn’t mention that). It’s also highly possible that you are suffering from Stockholm syndrome and/or trauma bonding.

      I wish you would reconsider getting help from a licensed therapist, even a free one from a domestic violence center. You do not deserve to be treated this way…at all. Until then, I hope you will also reconsider moving home. There is no real chance of healing or being free until you remove yourself from the toxic environment you are in. Then, once you’ve had some time away from the abuse, you might think about finding a job so you won’t feel so trapped.

      aka, I am giving you the number for the Domestic Violence hotline. It’s completely free and confidential. I think just being able to talk to someone will help you. 1-800-799-7233. Please call them. It may completely change your life…

      1. Hello You need to visit your local domestic violence shelter (DV shelter) and make a plan for safe exit strategy. You also need to have some legal stuff filed, i.e. restraining orders, and get help such as a placement where a) he can’t get to you and b) there are case workers with all the right tools, keys, and referral networks to help you out. Support groups can be helpful. It is only a coincidence that I found Kim’s page and discovered the psychology of narcissism. Previously I just thought it meant someone who loved himself, like an egotist. But it is actually an abuser who preys on caring people who are less of a player, street smart, or just simply more naive and intuitive-based. I still remember mine asking me ‘Are you more of a thinker or a feeler’ and all the times he talked about playing me, to my face. Just remember to go easy on yourself, and trust in yourself again, forgive, heal, and love yourself no matter what ‘faults’ you think you have, acknowledge that this is who you are, and accept it. I think Narcissists do not accept us and key into our weakness of heart or mind here on this issue, and attack our self-esteem strategically. As feedback to Kim: this is exactly what happened to me, as described in your blog entry. It’s an exact retelling of my story, and odd since my story is pretty unique. Just a different name, and a different place, huh? I want to thank you for creating this blog. I’d begun to think I was completely crazy. I heard about narcissism through a DV shelter actually, which is where I ended up. I hope that will go to one and then take steps to escape safely. Remember, no matter what you cannot reason with them, they only have self-interest at heart and will viciously defend themselves in revenge. It’s funny because he (and his family who supports his narcism) used to say that I was the vengeful one because of some astrology something or other. But I’m not. I know he did a lot of these entrapments because he was angry about being rejected. spot on kim. Thanks to all who share.

      2. Anonymous

        Dear aka, I hope that you always remember one thing about the abuse that you are currently enduring it is a horrible thing that’s happening to you . I have been experienceing this kind of treatment for several years now because of. A one night stand basically . I have learned that you need to have a reverse thinking about the abuse .. When he says something to hurt your feelings like your ugly you need to think your beautiful .. The reason because if your were not already beautiful there would be no reason for him to tell you that your not . Also remember that when you first met he thought you were attractive … He just wants you to believe the worse about yourself .. But please don’t .. I hope this helps .. The other thing you need to always remember is that God loves you and please talk to Him everyday about it He will listen . And journal write it down …. I can’t explain it but this does help .. But remember who you were before you met him your beautiful , your loving your kind otherwise he would have never gone for you himself … Bless you all …. Hope this helps …

    2. Anonymous

      That’s EXACTLY what the ex did, only he married her. The double insult to the above described devastation was that she had pretended to be a friend for years. They weren’t strangers by any means. He left Sept 13, and was married Nov 1st. hard telling how long they had been messing around. I know she didn’t get any type of prize, he hadn’t worked any real job in 9 years, him and I actually stayed in a tent in her and her ex’s backyard and rented a room from them as well. I figured when they split up he’d swoop in, nailed it. She lost her kids when she married him, against DHS, and last I heard in july they were homeless. Hmm, definite pattern. She might think she knows him, but give it another year or 2, his true colors will surface

  161. Erica

    I can’t put into words how grateful I am to find your site. I am almost positive my ex is a narc…we were together almost 7 years. I have three kids, my youngest is also his daughter. They’re 9, 7 and 3. When I first met him, I was instantly infatuated. He was an obsession, which I quickly thought was love. From the beginning he was emotionally abusive….I remember the first time he blew up on me over something totally ridiculous…And ended with me crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with him. But, I didn’t take that as a warning. I took it as I would love him and show him a devotion and love he’s never felt before and he would change. We fought all the time. He was almost delusional. If things were going great, he would find a reason to be mad at me. I have always been the one to blame for all of his issues, always. Never him. And if he did say it was his fault, he would also remind me it was because he stayed with me instead of leaving me. For so many years all I wanted was for him to love me. On and off our entire relationship I’ve caught him talking to women online, I found several dating website profiles of his. There was a time when he fell for a girl at work. He always made me feel like he wanted everyone but me. It was really as if he hated me and everything to do with me. He’s always hopped from job to job, with periods of unemployment..of course, my fault. He lost his license before we got together due to getting two DUIs, and he has always been addicted to marijuana…in order to try and get his license back he had to stay sober for at least six months. I couldn’t fathom the thought of him not high, because this always made the abuse worse and I didn’t want to put my kids though even more of this crap. So I told him I don’t think I could handle him withdrawing from pot, because when he was really high was the only times I could deal with him. He has always had serious anger issues and anxiety, and would get mad over every little thing. He couldn’t handle ANY amount of stress…And just made things so much worse than what they had to be all the time. So I have known for several years I couldn’t deal with this anymore but could never bring myself to leave him. He talked badly to me, to my kids about me and to his friends and family about how I was so horrible. He called me names almost on a daily basis and was physically abusive at times…And never really cared if the kids were around watching anytime he was really pissed. It was like nothing else mattered, he was mad and wasn’t going to let it go for anything. I know during our relationship I had made mistakes, and anytime he was really unhappy with me (which was almost always) I wanted to fix the issue. It was like I could never measure up no matter what I did…but after time went on, the way I treated him wasn’t the same in the beginning because he had hurt me so much. He did things that I couldn’t imagine doing to someone you truly love. When I say delusional…it was like there were times he either grossly exaggerated an issue and sometimes would even be totally off base, and I would think what? That’s not even the case, or what the hell is he talking about?!
    So…three weeks ago tmw is when he left me. He said he just couldn’t deal with the way I treated him anymore. I texted him on that Fri morn while he was on his break at work to ask if he needed me to bring him food or cigs or cold meds bc he was sick the day before. His reply was ..I’m moving out today. We are so over. I can’t deal with you anymore. He was always saying he was going to move out, so a part of me didn’t really think he would. So after work he came home, got all of his things and left. I should also add, he has two other daughters he barely sees or talks to (it was this way before we were together as well) When he has seen them it’s because their mothers had been in touch with me and made arrangements which REALLY pissed him off. He blamed me for him not being able to see his girls, which was crazy because I was the only one it seemed most times trying to set up visits etc.The week he left, his oldest daughter’s mom messaged me asking if we wanted to set up a time to visit soon. She has expressed to me several times that she was so happy when we got together, because she trusted their daughter with me. The day he left, before he left he screamed at me about me talking to her, because he did I was just trying to sabotage his relationship with his daughter and come in between them…what..??!! So, to try to shorten this up a bit, it ended up he found another woman. He stayed that whole weekend with her, didn’t answer any of my calls/texts until Sunday. Now, him and our 3 yr old daughter have always been close…And he was also ignoring her calls. So I knew something was up. When I finally got a hold of him that Sun evening, he told me he was with someone else and that he was quitting his job here (best job he ever had, stable and good money) to move with her since she lives almost an hour away. He doesn’t have a license, so he’s only seen our daughter once in 3 weeks…although he has been calling her almost every night. He has tried to completely avoid me at all costs. He hasn’t asked about my older two kids…that spent almost their whole lives with him. He’s now referring to his new girlfriend and her two kids as his family. I feel like he wants us to all just disappear…like he never cared or loved any of us at all. AND I just found out from him that she doesn’t have a house, apt, or stable home…She lives in a camper on a campground and he lives there with her and her kids. He has said to me that he’s going to get a job, get his license back by Christmas and get to the point where he’ll have all 3 of his girls every other weekend…BUT still has no job, and I know for a fact he’s still smoking pot which he needs to quit at least for six months before he can even think about going to appeal to get his license back. I have gotten very little empathy from him at all, and he still continues to blame me for all of his short comings.
    So…I know we’re not good together. But I feel so much anger towards him for making such horrible decisions. I begged him to stay in our town, find an apt, keep his good job and continue a relationship with our daughter but he was adamant about everything saying he’ll make it work. I am so scared…I’m scared that he treated me the way he did bc he just didn’t love me but he likes this girl so much he’s willing to lose everything including his daughter for her and this new life…And I’m scared he’s going to treat her the way I always deserved and love her the way I longed for him to love me, but it was like he just couldn’t stand me. I’m mad at him for leaving me with all of the responsibility just because he can’t handle any amount of stress or chaos. I mean obviously our life wasn’t easy, but life is never easy…I feel like that’s all he wants and it infuriates me and hurts me to the deepest part of my soul….He honestly thinks I hate him and want to see him fail. But I don’t. I want him to do what’s best for his daughters and himself…And jumping into another relationship makes me feel as if he was just waiting around with me till he found someone better. All of his personality traits point straight to Narc. But, could it be that maybe he’s found someone that he truly loves and will change for her? My heart aches…for my daughter and my kids mostly. They don’t understand his cruel and heartless actions and words. Thank you for listening 🙂

  162. This is my first time on your site, and it has been so helpful to me. I am starting No Contact today (again) and I cannot lie, it hurts..A LOT. My husband walked out of his marriage in 2008 and into the arms of a ‘new supply” – who (as it turns out) was getting groomed and prepped as I was being “devalued and discarded”. Unfortunately, a No Contact attempt started shortly after he left, dissolved once he came back crying and knocking on my door (Just like you described in another blog entry)…and regrettably, I have been feeding his ego by succumbing to his “return and then leave again” behavior ever since then. My husband was my best friend and I knew him for almost a decade before we even became romantically involved. I realized recently (although I should have known this before) that he is a narcissist and not really a friend. Everything he has done, you’ve mentioned in just about every blog entry I’ve read on your site. Thank you because I felt so alone and crazy.. and now I feel like someone understands (actually quite a few people understand) what I have been experiencing. It is so hard not to feel like its your fault and not theirs. But I now understand that’s what narcissists do. I want to be a stronger and more confident person and I know that will never happen if he remains in my life. Thanks again Kim!

  163. My husband left me 2 days after our 7 year wedding anniversary. His only explanation was that he couldn’t be the person that I wanted him to be, and he just didn’t want to be married anymore. While we were dating, he wanted to spend all his time with me, and he treated my wonderfully. However, after we got married, especially during the last few years of our marriage, things changed. He pretty much wanted to spend time with anyone but me. I could ask him to go do something, and he would tell me no, and then someone else could ask him to do the same thing and he would do it. He kept committing to more and more hobbies that didn’t include me. If we went out, he would stay on his phone the entire time and not talk to me, and then he would tell me it was because I talk about stupid and boring things. He’d also point out every woman in the room that he thought was more attractive than me, and then he’d play it off like he was joking. He would constantly tell me that I needed to lose weight, when I was a size 6. He told me he didn’t like my hair, and I should dye it a different color. And if I ever complimented myself, he would call me conceited and tell me I had no reason to be. The list goes on and on. I suspected he was having an affair with his coworker before he left. She kept baking him brownies, he lied about her going on business trips, he put a password lock on his phone, etc. He was so cold when he left. He would’t do anything to save our marriage. He blamed me and said everything was my fault. I complained too much, I got mad too often, etc. Our divorce was finalized in April, but I just recently found out that he was having an affair with the coworker, and they are together. It doesn’t seem fair that they seem to be living happily ever after while my heart hurts so much.

  164. My husband left me 2 days after our 7 year wedding anniversary. His only explanation was that he couldn’t be the person that I wanted him to be, and he just didn’t want to be married anymore. While we were dating, he wanted to spend all his time with me, and he treated my wonderfully. However, after we got married, especially during the last few years of our marriage, things changed. He pretty much wanted to spend time with anyone but me. I could ask him to go do something, and he would tell me no, and then someone else could ask him to do the same thing and he would do it. He kept committing to more and more hobbies that didn’t include me. If we went out, he would stay on his phone the entire time and not talk to me, and then he would tell me it was because I talk about stupid and boring things. He’d also point out every woman in the room that he thought was more attractive than me, and then he’d play it off like he was joking. He would constantly tell me that I needed to lose weight, when I was a size 6. He told me he didn’t like my hair, and I should dye it a different color. And if I ever complimented myself, he would call me conceited and tell me I had no reason to be. The list goes on and on. I suspected he was having an affair with his coworker before he left. She kept baking him brownies, he lied about her going on business trips, he put a password lock on his phone, etc. He was so cold when he left. He would’t do anything to save our marriage. He blamed me and said everything was my fault. I complained too much, I got mad too often, etc. Our divorce was finalized in April, but I just recently found out that he was having an affair with the coworker, and they are together. It doesn’t seem fair that they seem to be living happily ever after while my heart hurts so much.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Crystal, your story is the classic blueprint for the Narcissist’s method of operation.

      One thing to keep in mind…while on the surface everything may seem like lollipops and rainbows with them, I would venture to guess that your Ex has probably already started in on the new girl. New supply is always groomed to appear as the epitome of happiness when out in public. Even if that’s not the case just yet, the love-bombing stage will wear off, and then she’ll be unceremoniously discarded at some point in the future…(not saying she deserves it, but either way, it will happen).

  165. karmabaybee

    Lately I am really struggling with the fact that I have no one to really talk to about the pain of being with an N – even paid professional help doesn’t really feel like it’s helping. People don’t understand if they’ve never been with an N so they don’t want to even hear about what I went through, they just tell me I really need to move on and get over it like I can just flip some emotional switch and turn it on and off like a friggin’ lamp. I have no support of caring friends to help me get through this so I’m doing it all alone. People are so wrapped up in their own lives to really even care about other people’s lives – everyone’s just “too busy”. I had a lot of loss this year besides my relationship and I think people just don’t even know what to say to me so they don’t bother keeping in touch or seeing if I’m okay. I found out who my friends really are this year but I also found out who my friends aren’t and I didn’t need any additional pain. From being with this N, plus the deaths of my parents and 2 of my siblings, I have lost the ability to trust people, I’ve become bitter, cynical and even angry, so a lot of the time I’m not in a good mood and wind up spending most of my time alone living a very unsatisfying, empty life. I rarely go out of the house anymore unless I absolutely have to. If I don’t see people, I don’t have to pretend everything’s okay. I’m scared I will never be happy again. I really can’t imagine it and I’m losing hope. I know that I’ve developed a bad case of apathy because of it and that’s so not the person I was.

    1. DJ

      Time will heal some of your wounds. The best advice is to make a list of things you want to accomplish and focus on now. It can be school, volunteer work or moving to another city. When I broke up with my N I took private ballroom lessons and it really helped.

    2. Let me start by saying, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your family members. I don’t know if this will bring any solace but you are NOT alone. My once bubbly, social self prefers now to live in a shell of my former life. I’d rather be alone and in some cases…because everyone is “so busy”, I have no choice. The only thing that I can say has helped is my faith and that’s not in an organized religion. It’s me being really open and honest with God. Just me and Him. Its me being angry and asking WHY? Its me…dare I say it, finding myself and accepting this new journey or path in my life. I hope you are able to find some peace. That’s what I have been praying about for so long…LORD, just give me peace. I know that things will never be the same….I hope maybe things will be better…different, but better. I hope the same for you. Perhaps identify one tiny, positive thing that you love and do it as much as you can. If nothing else, know that you are not alone on this journey. There are many of us trying to find hope, peace, and satisfaction once again in life. Peace and blessings to you.

      1. karmabaybee

        Thank you, Antoinette. I’m really not very religious (thanks to years of Catholic upbringing) and find very little joy anymore in the things I used to love because I have no one to do them with and until my mood improves, I don’t even feel like doing anything much. I have reached the anger stage and feel I’m better off alone for now because I’m not good company. Very frustrating but I’ve been hurt so much in the past that I do know eventually this will all be a distant memory. But I had people around before,friends and family, esp my mom, to help me through. Now I’m on my own and I guess I better get used to that. I wish you peace and happiness….I am sorry to hear you are going through this, too. I know we’re not alone it just feels like it, doesn’t it? Many thanks for the kind and uplifting words!

  166. karmabaybee

    I got discarded about 8 months ago but I was never really degraded – there wasn’t ever any verbal abuse. In fact, it was the opposite. He would always tell me how awesome I was and how he bragged to his friends about how lucky he was to be with me because I was so perfect for him. Then one day he just up and left but this is the 3rd time in 5 years he’s done this to me. The first time for another woman he’d been back and forth with for years and according to him, she was always casting him aside like he was nothing and she loved that he chased her – she’d use him a while and then ignore his contact attempts which I think drove him crazy. He definitely viewed her through rose colored glasses. When he told me about her, I thought SHE was a Narc, she sounded like one. Second discard was just for a week and then he love-bombed the hell out of me with “I can’t imagine my life without you” and all that shit that I now realize must have been lies just to “hoover” me back in. That was the beginning of last year and we were fine all year til the end of it. I swear he was biding his time, calculating and planning this discard and he had it all pre-meditated – he waited til after Christmas so I was sure to buy gifts for the kids and family and when he ended it he admitted he “felt guilty” doing that to me before Christmas. Better to wait til AFTER and get what he could out of me. Clearly. We didn’t have a fight at the end, either. Instead, he blind-sided me and he said hurtful things the last time we spoke. I was dumb-founded and shocked. I haven’t seen or heard from him since, not a word, not even after both of my parents (who he knew since high school) died a month apart earlier this year. He cut me off, erased me like we never existed. Total silent treatment. Again. He’s with another woman and it was immediately after he discarded me. She has a lot of money, fancy cars and houses. I have money but don’t brag about it or flaunt it and I never really told him about it. NC has been easy for me for some reason – I don’t have the urge to contact him or drive past his house or anything – I don’t want to know what’s going on. The less I know, the better I feel, that’s for sure. I want to kick myself though because I actually thought he was my best friend. I certainly was his best friend – we told each other everything. EVERYTHING. I miss the guy who I thought was my best friend and realize that’s the addiction to the person who doesn’t really exist. I don’t miss the times he made me feel sad and I saw the red flags. I just didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time, it was definitely my first experience with someone like that. I spent many a night crying myself to sleep and not even really knowing why. I just knew something wasn’t right. I did the victim routine, playing things over in my head, wondering what I did wrong and not having a clue because I was good to him, his kids, his family. Kind, loving, giving, caring. He was the same way towards me and my kids too, so now he has not only hurt me, but he hurt my children, too. His family doesn’t understand this sudden change in his behavior towards me but they all know it’s not my fault why he’s acting the way he is. They are very confused and saddened. I feel bad for them because I don’t think they really know their own family member.

  167. karmabaybee

    Hmm….after reading this, I feel like someone gave me a gigantic flash light and it shed some serious light on things I was in the dark over, but suspicious of for a long time. Interesting.

    1. Flange

      Thing is droppedlikeRock is that his sister knows what hard work he can be and even said to me he had got better, his own mother joked about him once saying do u ever just say ok to shut him up…so they all know what he is like yet they are so quick to believe him and think I’m the bad guy, if you compare his relationship track record to mine his is awful a daughter he abandoned before she was born and hasn’t really bothered with her since, what kind of father calls his own flesh and blood a nasty bitch? An ex wife who left him twice because of his behaviour, women who he has not lasted 7months at a time in a relationship with, goodness knows how many women he has used for sex, one he got rid of because she fell over and he was embarrassed by her and then me….the mental one who was with him 19 months, doted on him bent over backwards to make sure he had everything he wanted and needed, even sacrificing my own happiness. Then my relationship, one of 17 years where I stayed and tried to work on my marriage until we decided it wasn’t working and then my relationship with him (no contest really,) I hate the fact that his family think so little of me know, replacing a partner within days is wrong, it doesn’t give you time to heal or take a look at yourself to see where you have gone wrong, I would question anybody who did that! I still love him in my own weird way but the trust and respect for him has gone so even if there was a chance of him returning I know it would never work, yes I love him…but I love myself more, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t feel that knot in my stomach or my heart sink knowing he is waking up next to another, but if she isn’t yet she will get the same treatment as I and everyone else did. I just wish his mum and sister would have believed me instead of him x

  168. Flange

    Think I’ve been involved with a narc for the past 19months, in the beginning he was the perfect gent, buying me gifts, flowers at work and whisking me away on romantic weekends, he told me he loved me within 3 weeks said I was his world and would cry when I left, he would call me within minutes telling me he missed me and wanted me to come back, I was so flattered and fell for him and didn’t stop, he was asking me to marry him within 8 weeks of the relationship and had guilt tripped his way into my home after 12 weeks, he was unwell and I cared for him, the illness he had should have lasted 48hrs max….it lasted 3 weeks (I did at the time think it was faxed after a while for attention) he never moved out after that and if I mentioned it he would behave in a child like way saying I was selfish and didn’t care. I’ve lost count of the amount of times he packed his bags at times in our relationship where I’ve needed support the most (one of them being the day I watched my nan pass away) he was going away on a stag do to Ibiza the following week as because I had been away due to my Nan’s illness he kicked up a stink, said I hadn’t considered him, packed his bags and left….left me in an emotional state on the floor not only grieving for my grandmother but trying to understand what I had done wrong. Each time he left he would be back within hours in tears saying he loved me and he couldn’t do it to me as he hated seeing me an emotional wreck, he wanted to help me (clever!) it must have been about 3 months into the relationships where the digs came in, apparently he only dated beautiful confident women (now I’ve seen some of these so called women, no different or better looking than myself) he told me I wasn’t confident, therefore I felt like he was saying I wasn’t up to his standard, I go so cross with hearing this constantly one day I bit back and told him I had dated more attractive men than him, I was astonished when he burst into tears and said that every woman he has ever been with had said he was the best looking man they had ever been with, he didn’t speak to me that night and when he did it was very mean. I know all about his ex wife and ex girlfriend, he didn’t paint a good picture of either of them, he also once told me he finished with a girl once because she fell over and embarrassed him! He has a 16yr old daughter who he has nothing to do with (obviously he says it’s all hers and her mothers fault) After the little digs started coming then the distancing from my friends and family started, my family were a negative influence in my life and made me act in a negative way and he didn’t like negativity and if I didn’t change he would leave, each time I went to visits them or a friend he would constantly call saying he missed me or come up with some stupid excuse to call, when I said I had to go he would strop and say well obviously that’s more important! When I questioned him about it he would say he didn’t mean it like that. He would twist things I had said until I got that confused I doubted in the end if I had actually said them, he would tell me I was hard work and so difficult to talk to, but nobody else I knew agreed with them, I’ve always been such a genuine happy go lucky laid back person who would do anything for anyone. He admitted to me within a few weeks of our relationship that he was a cocaine user, not on a regular basis but he knew I didn’t agree with drug use as I had been married to an addict and didn’t want to venture down that road again, everything within me screamed leave him, but I was so in love with him I couldn’t, he made it into a small issue and said I was being dramatic, he would use I front of me even though it broke my heart. Throughout our relationship he would receive messages from other women, even pornographic photos from someone he said he didn’t know but stayed in contact with them saying he found it funny, it wasn’t until I told him it was over if he didn’t stop he actuall stopped. While he was out in Ibiza I found out he took another woman out to breakfast and continued to message her when he got home. He message her first when he landed back home before me. He abused me cats and his dog he hit that hard in the face his head went through the bath panel. He would bring up issues from my past that I trusted to talk to him about and said that I hadn’t dealt with them and it was affecting our relationship, but it was him bringing them up all the time not me, in the end with his constant digs, the whole your feet are ugly, if u get fat I will give u the biggest elbow going, your not confident, you have issues I actually sought medical help as I thought it was me, I was put on anti depressants and given counselling, only the first two sessions were aboutme and my childhood, the rest were all about him and his behaviour, it made me see I wasn’t the problem, I came off my antidepressents and was signed off from counselling, I confronted him about his behaviour saying he needed help with his own issues, he told me my counsellor was obviously no good for me and he suggested I seek another one, he refused to come with me. The following week he tried to get me to move and hour away from my home, friends and family, I refused, that day he came home and said he was going to a friends house for a few days to give me some time as he was making my life too hard when I didn’t need it, he was gone two days, the day he came back he burst into tears and hugged me telling me how much he had missed me, five minutes after that he was telling me he had run out of patience with me, that I was the most beautiful woman and kindest person he had ever been with but I had issues and needed to sort them and when they were sorted to please, please,please call him as he didn’t want to lose me. He then left, a few days later he came to collect his things, I wasn’t there, I didn’t want to be, he told my son he loved me and didn’t know why any of it was happening and that he would always be there for him. The following day I caught him messaging the girl he took out for breakfast in Ibiza she spoke to me and said he had asked to go and spend the weekend with her, I messages him confronting him and he said I didn’t know what was going on and to leave him alone as I was twisting things. That was the last he spoke to me, I’ve tried to talk to him, I’ve begged him and said I forgive him but nothing, he blocked me on fb and added some girl who looks very similar to myself, she has a young child. I’ve since found out he had taken her to meet friends of ours in Manchester and stayed in the same hotel we used to no more than a week after leaving me, they are now in a relationship together, all in all he has only been gone 6 weeks and I’m totally heartbroken, how can u go from being someone’s world to nothing the next day? I’ve not slept properly, can’t eat, can’t function properly in 6 weeks, I’ve lost a stone and a half in weight (and I really didn’t need to) he is in my mind from the moment I wake until the minute I fall asleep, I break my heart crying ALOT! Questioning what I ever did wrong or what I could have done better, I gave up 19 months of my life for him and everything he wanted to do,I never complained, we never argued, it’s all so hard to understand, I searched the internet looking for answers and every time I type in certain traits he has I’m sent right to narcissism everytime! Breaks my heart to know he never truly loved me and how very foolish I was.

    1. Kim Saeed


      You’re not foolish. We were all born to love. He’s the foolish one for losing your love and devotion.

      You didn’t do anything wrong, so please let go of that false belief. A Narc male could be engaged to Miss Universe, and he would still cheat, lie, and manipulate. That’s because they aren’t capable of empathy or love. I put a new video on my site today that might be of help. Once you go to Joseph’s channel, you might find other videos and podcasts that may prove beneficial.

      The reason you feel so broken is because we get attached and depend on them for our sense of worth. Those are the things you might want to consider working on first, releasing attachments, self-worth, and also grieving in a healthy way.

      Best of luck to you!

      1. Flange

        I’ve been no contact with my ex since 24th July after I found out just days after he left me he had moved in with and started a new relationship with a young single mother with a four year old (young children irritate him) I was still friends with his sister but we didn’t discuss him. Last week she tagged me and him in some I’ve bucket challenge and went on to say how her brother was in Ibiza (with his new girlfriend) I don’t know why she had to mention this? Then on his fb page there was pictures of her in a bikini posing for him on the beach (don’t mean to sound big headed but he has downgraded) and another pic of a bottle of champagne and two glasses. I’m not sure if his sister was fooled into mentioning this or if she’s in on his game. I was very hurt by what she had done more so than him as it’s what I have grown to expect! I’m so annoyed with myself as I messaged her and explained why I had removed and blocked her from my fb page as I didn’t want to see what was going on in his life, I also went on to tell her everything he had done and how he had behaved in our relationship, that all of them knew how difficult he could be, that his behaviour was far from normal when it came to relationships and they needed to stand up to him and tell him his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. I received a message back saying I was evil, twisted and bitter and everything her brother had said about me was true and that she never wanted to speak to me again, I also received a message from his mother with rather colourful language telling me I was mental just like he had said and never to contact them again…all I did was speak up for myself and tell the truth but obviously he has twisted everything he did and made it out to be me that was the problem, I’m absolutely gutted that anyone would think badly of me as I’m not a bad person. I have many family members who are extremely enraged by how I have been treated and what his family have been like towards me, In fact when reading the message from his mother it was just like being spoken to by him! They don’t even care that he has moved onto another woman so quickly, moved in with her and taken her away to the place we were supposed to be going, it’s not only a kick in the teeth from him, they were there to rub salt into my wounds. Is it just me or is it not slightly abnormal behaviour to move in with another woman when you barely know them and then take them away to where you were going with your ex within a matter of weeks? Would it not be normal to want to question a family member if they were to behave in that manner? It’s not like I was only about for a few months, it was nearly 2years! I don’t know if the whole thing is his way of getting back at me for seeing behind the mask and letting him know I know exactly what he is, or it was some ploy to try and get me to beg him to come back or resume contact….it didn’t work, or so I thought, but after speaking to my mum I’ve realised I’ve given him supply via his sister, negative as it was it was still supply, I’m not sure what to do as he has absolutely slatted my name, it’s mud in that household and it hurts as i know everything he has told them is a lie! His sister and I were so close and now she hates me and I’ve done nothing wrong, do I leave her to think I’m some monster or do I stick up for myself and say something only for it to make me look worse? I’m kind of hoping because this has all ended so badly that once the new girlfriend starts to not tow the line, instead of coming back to me he finds supply elsewhere, will this happen as I’ve pulled his mask off and made sure he knows there is no chance he will be welcome at my door or will knowing that seem like a challenge to him and make him come back just to prove something to himself? Never in my life have I been treated so well but so badly by the same person, how can anyone be so cruel and heartless? It horrifies me that there are people in the world like this.

        1. dropped like a rock

          This brings back so many bad memories for me. of my ex and his new girlfriend calling me sick and twisted, ill, etc. I was tormented by his mother for 25 years as well. The ONLY reason I can deal with this is that his sister moved in with him and met his evil side. My son grew up being disrespectful. When he came back from the military, he moved in with him for about a year (the whole time not giving me the time of day). Well, after being around him where he didn’t have me to pick on, you can figure out what happened. He moved out and for the last 4 years I have finally had a great relationship with my grown son.
          And now he is marrying his GF after 6 years after she told him that for sure this time she is done. As much as it hurts that she gets to enjoy everything I sacrificed for she will finally get to meet his evil side. Because now she will be with him every day instead of just for the parties and every other weekends. I compare him to Tiger and Charlie. Everyone idolizes him and I just want someone to know the real him. She will finally meet him. And then maybe I can get closure knowing that she will be eating her words.

          1. Kim Saeed

            Remain steadfast, dropped like a rock. There will come a day when she will indeed eat her words. It’s just a matter of when.

  169. DJ

    I dated a narcissist for several years and experienced a lot of what has already been mentioned on this site. I was never valued as a person or loved unconditionally. The N puts himself first, is a pathological liar, and will not take the blame for his mistakes. I had been unhappy with him for a long time and our breakup was inevitable. It was a painful process of detaching and letting go. Two years later he married a very unattractive, obese woman. He, on the other hand, is handsome and slender. They have been married for less than eight years and I am wondering how the marriage has endured this long. She must be a glutton for punishment.

  170. WhatIsThis

    I was the other woman for nearly 2 years. It was a long distance relationship that ended this weekend. First off, I’m not even sure if he is a narcissist. He seemed so sweet and timid and mild mannered. He’s 53 and I’m 29. We met through a social media site and he contacted me first. He did say he was married for 30 years but wasn’t happy, didn’t love her and it was for the kids (who are all adults by the way) and divorces were expensive, etc. I wasn’t interested in dating a married man and I told him this. We decided to just be friends.

    Slowly he started winning me over by sending me gifts, calling me beautiful, just being an extremely sweet and thoughtful person. A few months later I saw him flirting with other women on the same social media site. I called him out on it and he didn’t apologize, he actually wanted to stop talking to me! It floored me and I was so stupid and begged him to come back. After a few days we made up again and he made plans to come out and see me.

    We met each other and everything went well. He was so shy and sweet and I fell hard. He did say he didn’t have plans to leave his wife and if I wanted to see him again I would have to fly out to see him. Eventually I talked him into coming my way for a theme park vacation for a few days (he was supposed to lie to his wife and tell her he was going to a conference).

    Stupidly, at this time I introduced him to my son who is autistic. My son is very sensitive and processes things differently from other children. My son was automatically hooked to him and he knew this.

    Long story short, we did argue sometimes but it wasn’t anything big and it was mostly about my resentment towards being the other woman. I felt like things were lacking in my life (attention and just a normal relationship). He would tell me that he TOLD me he wouldn’t leave her. That was always his little “out.” His father slowly died of cancer this year and I was there for him 100%. It was painful for me to see him go through that. I cried like a baby for him when his father died 3 weeks ago. This past weekend I received a text (a TEXT!) stating he couldn’t do this anymore, that I argued too much with him that week (!!!) and he had been doing some soul searching (!!!) and needed to end things with me. He also sent a text to me that was directed to my son, stating what a good kid he was, how sorry he was, etc. And then he sent me a voice memo that said, “And just in case you don’t believe that I’ve told my wife, here she is.” And yes, she actually spoke into the phone like a puppet and said, “This is so and so and I know about the trip, I know everything, so yeah.”

    It was so bizarre to me. First of all, who ends a 2 year relationship through a text, sends a text that’s directed at a kid and then sends a voice memo with their wife on it (who doesn’t curse me out, sound angry, etc)? Who does this?! Of course I tried calling him like an idiot and he wouldn’t answer the 10 calls I made. He then sent me a text on a text message app we used sometimes with the words, “I am so sorry.” But are you? I was a mess. Shaking and horrified and sobbing. I had to sit my autistic son down and tell him that my ex wasn’t coming with us on the trip. That was so hard because my son broke down in tears. He cried himself to sleep for 2 nights.

    I tried to reach out to my ex via phone calls and messages and nothing. Finally I emailed him yesterday and he responded, stating he knew the way he ended it would hurt me (!!!) but he never meant to hurt me. What?! He said he promised his wife he wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I asked him about all of the promises he’d made ME, like always being there, always being a friend. He even told me that if she ever found out he would still find a way to talk to me. What happened to those promises? So again, like a sniveling idiot I kept emailing him, begging him to please talk to me, be my friend, don’t leave me. He said he would send me a video of his cat (long story, he always used to send me videos of his animals and his cat was my favorite) that night IF he could. Sigh. Well I received two videos last night before bed but I didn’t respond because something didn’t sit right with me. 1) I would never ever end any relationship that way (unless I was abused or deeply betrayed). Who just drops someone like that because of an argument and 3 months before a vacation? 2) Even if you didn’t want to be with me, why did you have to tell your wife? Was that to ensure you never spoke to me again? 3) Why wouldn’t you want to talk to me again? I have exes I still speak to today. Yes the break ups may not have been ideal but we never cut each other off completely. It’s all so strange. He also claims he never received my voicemail messages. I left 6 of them! How did you not get them?

    I know this is much too long but I just wanted to add some quick notes: as I said, I’m not sure if he is an N, but he definitely had mommy issues. In fact he called me Mama and said he loved how motherly I was and how he liked resting his head in my “bosom.” I wasn’t the first woman he cheated on his wife with (yes I know this makes me an idiot). There were 2 other women within 6 years. He also said bad things about his wife’s hygiene, told me about her breast implants and how much he hated fake breasts (but he’s a boob man and I’m starting to think he talked her into it). Towards the end he would be “disappointed” because I wasn’t showing enough cleavage in our FaceTime calls. He commented on a new hairstyle I tried (“what’s going on with your hair?”). I could never just state something, he always had to counter with an argument. I was never right. He treated me like an idiot. He was becoming increasingly busy with meetings at work. He commented on a beautiful woman (his words, not mine) at work. He was yelling at me and cursing me out. The man who was sending me hundreds of dollars just because in the beginning was suddenly becoming very tight with his money for the trip we’d planned. I’m sure there are other things I’ve missed because I’m still in a daze and not sure what to do. I’m not sleeping, eating or really functioning. I feel like someone died. I feel like a complete idiot and I feel like it’s all my fault. Was I so awful that he just had to leave me and my son so abruptly? I don’t want to think I’m this horrible person.

    I know I’ve typed too much.

  171. WhatIsThis

    Why oh why did I answer his phone call? He claimed the reason he called was because of a conversation he had with his wife last night. Supposedly she said, “if you cut it off with me the way you cut it off with her, with no warning, I would be devastated too.” He said this was what led him to want to talk to me on the phone.

    I don’t know any woman who would be so sympathetic towards the other woman (especially within the first few days of finding out about an affair). It sounds very fishy.

    I called him out on changing his home number, making his social media sites private and I point blank asked him if he planned this. He said he didn’t. I asked him if he woke up and just decided to do it. He said he didn’t. I told him he either planned it or he woke up and did it. Of course the entire flow of the conversation became my fault, “See this is why I couldn’t just end things with you. You try to pin me to a wall and ask so many questions.” Well yes, I’m going to have many, many questions when my heart is broken and the person who broke it planned the attack days, if not weeks, in advance. He said I was reminding him of the stress of being in a relationship with me. Nice.

    Then he said he would never speak to me again but he wouldn’t mind if I sent him an email every now and then and he might (MIGHT) respond….sometimes. At this point I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It was so cruel and cold I thought it had to be a joke.

    I cried. And cried. And I was a mess and I’m sure he enjoyed it. He kept saying he was sorry but he didn’t sound genuine. Like, at all. When I said that, he said, “See? You’re still calling me a liar. I AM genuine.” Ok. He had to scurry off inside his office building and again I felt like crap.

    I mean, who calls to say they’ll never talk to you again? Who does this? I mean didn’t we kind of get that out of the way yesterday in our emails when he said he couldn’t talk to me anymore? Why call just to say it again? I hate that I thought I could have a normal conversation with him and get answers. He controlled this relationship to the end. He says his wife is still asking questions. I’m sure all of her questions are being answered with lies.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him again but man I’m going to stick with my gut and not entertain him. It was like he got off on hearing me sob. He even wanted to talk to my son (!!!) and apologize to him. No way was I letting him near my kid again (who, by the way, has moved on and seems much happier; the kid has been very resilient).

  172. WhatIsThis

    Anddddd he just sent me an iMessage. He said, “You said this was like a death with no closure. I can talk briefly while I’m driving to work. I don’t want to rehash everything (oh of course you don’t; wouldn’t want to stress YOU out or anything!) but I want to apologize.” I don’t think I can do that (plus I’m on hold on a very important call). I don’t want a pathetic apology or another reminder that he can’t talk to me or another passive aggressive “this is all your fault” comment to come out of his mouth. I’m emotionally drained and I’ve cried for the past few days more than I ever have in my life. I feel like he just wants to toy with me and he’s surprised I haven’t emailed him back.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Yeah, the best thing to do is just block his number from your phone. He’s doing that to keep you engaged.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for the re-blog 🙂

      And I’m very glad to know you’re not a hot mess on the floor! Narc Survivors unite!

  173. Kim Saeed


    The reason you crave him is because you were emotionally abused, and became mentally and biochemically addicted to the peptides that were released by the hypothalamus. Each of our emotions has corresponding peptides. With the Narcissist, our body produces the ones associated with the drama (fear, uncertainty, paranoia, etc.). Since these emotions are so extreme, our body gets addicted to them and that’s why we feel “high” when we feel the Narcissist “comes back to us” (which is really an illusion).

    No Contact is essentially going through withdrawal. That’s why your emotions are so heightened. And just like being in rehab, you must go moment-by-moment, day-by-day, until the need to re-engage slowly dissipates. If you haven’t done so, I would recommend doing guided meditations on self-esteem and releasing emotional attachments. Your whole sense of identity has become dependent on this guy, but you can let go of that with consistent effort. You don’t need him to be happy…it’s only an illusion that’s coming from your ego and is based on fear.

  174. brandnewday

    I was with my guy for 7 years. I was so into him really quickly. He was handsome, fit, and the sex was plentiful and fantastic. He bought me flowers, held my hand, took me out, took me on holidays, made ‘love’ to me all the time. I was smitten in no time. I couldn’t believe I was so lucky and that he was still single. He was always quite emotionally closed but I thought thats just the way he was & was patient with it. I figured if he saw how crazy I was about him and how well I looked after him, how could he not love me back? He always said that he loved me but could possibly never love me ‘the way I needed to be loved’. It should have been a red flag but I had not idea then about people who were incapable of love.

    There were never any problems in our relationship except that he only ever seemed to be partly emotionally in it. He wouldn’t commit or let us live together. I thought that eventually it would fall into place as we had been together for so long and got on so well. We never fought & had so much in common. We had a great time together. He was just the sort of man I thought I wanted. I just wanted him to love me more.

    After a while, he began to pick on me. Criticise the way I dressed, drove, kept my house. He would always make a negative comment about what I was wearing when we went to go out & never complimented me. He would get dark & surly when he came to stay at my house & became ruder & ruder toward my daughter. However when we were at his house or with his friends, he was attentive & great company.

    I first heard about his female ‘friend’ 5 months into our relationship. She was a past lover he had met overseas. He swore they were only friends & hardly ever talked. When I questioned him about her he would say I was blowing things out of proportion & making something out of nothing. He said he had ‘lots of female ‘friends’ but I certainly didn’t know them. His possible supply list I guess.

    6 1/2 years into our relationship, we had our first fight. He was at my house & rude & surly. We fought & I told him I wanted more from our relationship. He said he didn’t think he could do it. I thought it was all over that day however afterward he kept ringing me up, taking me out to dinner & the movies or I would spend the weekend. I stayed one weekend & we went out for christmas dinner & went shopping for his family & exchanged presents.

    To cut a long story short I found at (NOT from him) that while I went away at christmas to see my family he had flown her over and was having sex with her only days after me & had even taken her to his parents for christmas day. ( And CALLED me telling me that he was spending the day alone…) He had been back in touch with her after we had the fight and began to set her up as his next supply and then when she was a sure thing he dumped me when I got back after Christmas. He still never told me why – never told me about her. He said he was bored & needed to do something different. He said thats just the way he was & just got bored after a while & needed a change. I only found out because when he had told me he was OS working I found out that he was overeas with her.

    I gradually found out more & more about her & what he had done in the next few months. I was so devastated & humiliated. He had lied & lied & lied. I had trusted him implicitly and had treated him like a prince & he just threw me away like that. He went OS to be with her & wouldn’t answer any of my emails or messages. Like I didn’t exist after all those years.
    When I confronted him on his return he told me he was so sorry and that he loved me and never meant to hurt me. I begged him to come back but he said it was too late. The damage was done. I spent he next few months making a fool of myself & losing my self respect trying to get him to come back. I had been so good to him why did he not want me. I couldn’t eat & lost weight & couldn’t sleep or concentrate at work and was so depressed.

    It was not until I started seeing a Psychologist and she told me he had Narcissitic Personality Disorder that it all fell into place. All the boxes were ticked! It is incredible to read these posts with stories so similar to your own. My heart goes out to all the others out there trying to get their lives & self esteem back after being discarded by a Narcissist. Its a deep dark hole that your friends and family don’t seem to understand how hard it is to climb out of. Its so much harder than I ever thought. One day I WILL not think of him. or them and I will be happy again. I wish you all strength and remember that you are a person deserving of being treated with love and respect. xx

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you, Brandnewday, for sharing your story.

      I know it was painful for you to experience this, but I’m glad you shared because it’s so typical of Narcissistic behavior, and only through spreading awareness can we ever hope to instill some kind of societal accountability with these disordered types.

      Blessings and light <3


      1. brandnewday

        Thank you for your blessings Kim. I just don’t understand why I long for him so much. He treated me like dirt and yet I miss him ever moment of the day. He is the first thing that I think of the second I wake & the last thing on my mind at night. I obsess about his lies to me about this woman and the fact that he is making such a big deal over her when she has done nothing for him & I have done everything. It burns like a pit of nausea in my stomach & I long for it to go away. And yet I miss him so much. All the things I did with the person that he was before he did this to me. I know that it is because of his NPD but I feel like I am unstable too!! I long to hear his voice, feel his touch, see his face. I realise it is stupid as he has treated me so badly & it makes me hate being this way. I have always been a strong dependable woman able to cope with anything but I feel like part of me has been destroyed & I don’t know how to find who I was anymore. I am so rattled and hollow inside. Like he killed a part of me & took it with him.

  175. Holly

    Thank you Kim and I actually have him blocked via all means. One thing that has always confused me concerning traits of Narcisissts is: if they are so flitty and get bored so easily (philandering from one female to the next), how is it that they ever settle down with one person long enough and actually commit to marriage? I understand that someone can serve as a specific supply for them, such as money etc…but how do they not get bored with them as well, especially if they crave excitement or change? I also had a question concerning men who are narcissistic/sociopath, and that is: is pedophilia associated with these disorders by any chance?
    The man I became a victim of was big in the church (or at least wanted to be), he held a temporary worship leader position and during the day he taught kids guitar lessons at a local music store. During my involvement with him, I can recall three occasions where my attention was drawn to peculiar behavior when he was around very young girls (age range 14-15) He is in his 40’s and is literally obsessed with aging. He would make digs about wanting me to lose weight (Im 5 foot tall and weigh 100 lbs) but yet he wanted me to be thinner and he pushed for me to buy expensive wrinkle cream etc…lt made me wonder if he was attracted to more childlike looking women. I found photos on his computer of a young girl posing in her pink pajamas that looked about 16 years old, he said some web girl sent them to him but yet he saved them in his “my documents” folder.
    The last straw was when I made an unexpected visit to his home and through the window I saw him going through the pornographic channels and passing by categories such as “cougars” , “large breasts” etc… but going straight to the category marked “all teen porn” and reading each movie description in that category. Thats when I realized that the man has many mental issues besides being narcissistic.

  176. Holly

    It took me five long years to finally get out of the repetitive cycle. Obsess over me…get bored….break it off…call back within a week or so and say everything he could to get me back. Over and over…He kept connections with everyone he ever dated or was involved with…never fully letting go. He would say all the right things, win me back then start distancing himself when there was absolutely nothing wrong. He would make digs or belittle me, try to make me feel worthless or not important. When I finally started investigating this strange disorder, I realized he was the poster child for the condition. I finally had the answer to the question I had been asking for so long…What is wrong with this man Im dating?..narcissistic sociopath! I remember one evening I was crying my heart out to him in pain begging him to give me an answer as to why he was the way he was towards me, he quickly grabbed his dog, put it in front of his face while petting it and giving it attention trying to avoid being seen smiling! I believe I truly looked in the eyes of evil that night. It was creepy. He’s a 44 year old man who is involved with his church and was once a worship leader but that is just a disguise to hide behind in order to gain respect and admiration. After I finally broke it off with him, he stalked me for a year, made endless calls and texts, sent emails etc…Just this past June 20, he begged me by text to give him one more chance because I was his soulmate…by July 2nd of this month, he posted on Facebook that he was in a relationship! The man is plain nuts and I just pray that this new relationship keeps him busy enough to stay away from me.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Holly, the times he pursued you were to prove to himself that you still had feelings for him. Narcissists don’t really care about us as individuals, only whether or not they have power over us. Once we give in to them and take them back, they’ve fed and gotten their validation, which is all they want. They literally get a dopamine release when we show interest in them, which makes them feel good and that’s all they’re after.

      It would behoove you to go ahead and block him from all avenues of communication. That way you wouldn’t have to worry about him popping back into your life out of nowhere, keeping you stuck in chaos.

  177. Jocpolite

    Great article! I am 3 months post break up. Discarded after asking to get off the couch and go out. I dare I ask my boyfriend to take me out right? We were friends first before beginning a relationship. The love bombing was out of control. He was good looking and charming. One red flag was that he bragged ALOT and always sent me pictures of himself. Another red flag was that he talked about himself ALL of the time and tried to control the conversations. He gave me compliments but some of them felt very belittling. We always had to do things that HE was intereated in. He lied about having a job. He had no friends. He called his parents by their first names. I found out early in our relationship that I had to have surgery. He was there for me through the whole process and recovery. Somehow we got stuck on the sofa in front of the TV during recovery. He got really comfortable and the devaluing began. No dates, no trips anywhere! I was unable to have sex for about 8 weeks which suited him fine since he no longer showed affection. No kissing, no touching…. (Just the walk through the door hello peck) No desire! I tried to fix it! Sexy lingerie etc. he would look and go back to he’s phone (FB, Twitter, Reddit etc). After I had had enough, I began pushing for explanations. The reply was always “I don’t know what to say). I asked if he wanted to break up and he said yes”. He became very cold and dismissive. No explanations, no face to face discussion. Just a cold, heartless shut out! I tried to ask for a talk to resolve things and was texted or emailed short, dismissive responses. While I don’t know if he cheated, he did constantly say things to try to make me jealous. I have been bare minimum contact since a week after the break. We worked in the same place, which was HARD!!!! He got the job after I applied and then he applied for a position at the same place without telling me. He later “joked” that he would be the only one working there, not me, just him. I left and got a new, better job after 2 months (he got his wish). He texted me at 2am 3 weeks ago inquiring if/why I left. I do not call, text, email or social media him at all! He is now in a “new” relationship (long distance) with his ex. Friends tell me he is posting it on social media and posting that he’s visiting her. It’s hurtful but I’m DONE! He is so insensitive. So competive. So jealous. My surgery had me dependant and needy for awhile. I am otherwise a pretty self assurred woman. I’m healing my heart and hope to find a healthy relationship. Thank God it was only 8 months of my life with no kids! Sorry for the ramble, I just needed to get it all out. Its all still so confusing but tjis site help me to see things clearly. Be strong! God Bless!

  178. Melanie

    Great article…thank you. Here is my situation in a nutshell…my ex husband completely swept me off my feet when we met, he was the complete opposite of every other man I had been with…he was open, kind, sweet, romantic, fun, happy. Fast forward six years and 2 children….everything was about him and his needs. I had just accepted this as part of our relationship, but I couldn’t accept what he was doing to our children. He would only give them positive attention when there were others around to admire him. Basically, they were a means to an end for him…a way to get attention. He was even slowly turning my 3 year old son against me by making sure that our son only loved him and only wanted to be with him. Things got worse and more abusive, escalating into physical violence. I finally kicked him out, and within 24 hours he was on the internet looking for someone else. He didn’t even show up to our divorce hearing, i haven’t seen or heard from him in over 4 years. I know that he is “happily” married again (his 7th relationship since we broke up). I find myself thinking about him constantly, hurting for my children who lost their father, he even haunts my dreams. I constantly compare my current boyfriend (who is a great guy) to him, I feel like I will never be truly happy or in love with anyone but him. I know in my logical mind that this is seriously flawed thinking, but my heart just can’t understand that. I have an obsessive need to “understand” how a father can just leave his own children and start a whole new life, how our relationship and everything we shared when things were good could just mean nothing to him now. I find myself asking what i could have done differently on that horrible day that we broke up, (a day that i view as my own personal 9/11), could i have done something to save my marriage? thanks for listening, i feel so lost and broken most of the time.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Melanie, thank you for sharing your story. I know this has been a painful event for you.

      Sometimes, we have to accept that there are things we will never understand. However, one thing that may help you is to acknowledge he never viewed the situation from the same perspective as you;and he never will.

      If your Ex is a Narcissist (which it sounds he is), he doesn’t think about your history together and remember the good times. The only time they review past events is to plot how to better deceive and manipulate. The “obsessive need” you are experiencing is your ego (I don’t mean that in a bad way). Think about it, even if you were to eventually understand how he can desert his family, it wouldn’t change the results. That’s just what they do and explains why your Ex has had seven relationships since your breakup. He doesn’t think of you or anyone else as individuals. The only reason they keep people in their lives is due to the benefit they get in the form of supply (ex: adoration, sex, money, care-taking, etc.)

      If you haven’t already, you should consider finding a good therapist and work on healing your soul. Four years is a long time to stay in the grieving period. You couldn’t have done anything different, Melanie. No matter what you did to please him, he would always changed the rules of the game. Besides, if he was being physically abusive, things would have only gotten worse.

      Please consider some of the healing tools I have here on my site, beginning with guided meditations. Read some of the books listed. It’s time for you to release him and begin living again.

  179. Kim thank you. I thought I was going crazy. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for over ten years. He walked out on me and the kids when I didn’t even have a job. I had to get a lawyer to fight child support. I believe he cheated on me through out the marriage. Shortly after the divorce he remarried and is now divorced again. I thank God for counseling and the support group that I had at the time. Today I am by far, much better off without him. The problem I have is with our kids. My son is now 20 and is away at school but my daughters are 17 and still at home with me. I avoid this guy as much as possible. But every since he bought a new car I notice he’s at my house frequently making excuses to see my daughters. He just moved in with his new girlfriend whom my kids now will have to warm up to because he will want to impress her into believing he is an ideal dad(which he is not). This is starting to rehash some old wounds. This is becoming like a funeral that won’t end. The good news is next year my daughters will be away at school and I’m hoping out of sight out of mind. Thanks.