I Was a Horrible Wife

After meeting and “falling in love”, we married and started our lives together.

In the beginning, I worked a full-time job as a bank manager, and then came home every day to cook and clean for him and his sister.  I completed any paperwork that needed completion; I ran errands, fixed his lunch and prepared his clothes for work every day.  I often stayed up until midnight finishing up things he needed to be done.  I let my own priorities fall by the wayside.  I was a horrible wife.

I took care of all holidays, buying the gifts and decorating.  I planned all of our trips and vacations.  Whenever he decided he wanted to go somewhere, I canceled my own plans and disappointed friends and family so I could go out of town with him. I was a horrible wife.

If I cooked rice, he wanted chicken.  If the food was warm, he wanted it cold.  I didn’t complain, instead doing what I needed to do in order to please him.  He always started out sounding innocent, but we both knew I would end up feeling useless and discouraged.  These small moments were the catalyst for his illogical outbursts.  Afterward, I’d end up in tears, feeling powerless to change the situation.  I was a horrible wife.

I wasn’t allowed to have any friends.  Any social interactions were only with people he knew.  I dressed and acted the part of the quiet, submissive wife.  In the end, he openly ridiculed me in front of his friends and family.  I tried to bite my tongue and not respond. At one point, I realized his friends no longer liked me because he was telling lies behind my back…fictitious things I’d supposedly said about one person or another…all false. I was a horrible wife.

When I became pregnant with our son, I wasn’t able to enjoy the pregnancy like most women who are blessed with a child.  During this time, I often endured the worst of the abuse.  When I dressed for work, I apparently looked like a hooker (even at eight and nine months).  He constantly compared me to women on TV in light of my weight gain.  I discovered he was watching porn while I was at work.  He often told me I wasn’t worth more than a piece of shit and threatened to knock out my teeth shortly before our son was born.  I almost had a miscarriage at eight months due to the constant stress and anxiety.

When our son was an infant, he didn’t get enough nourishment because my breast milk dried up from the constant put-downs and heartache.  (Poor little guy… never took to the bottle).  As I held him at four months of age, his father said to me that he hated me and was stupid for marrying me.  He said he wanted me to die.  My older sons heard the commotion and felt horribly for me.   I was a horrible wife.

When our son was a year old, I asked for a separation.  After filing the paperwork, his response was to leave the country. In less than two months, he’d already married someone else.  For almost a year, I raised our son alone, which I’d basically been doing, anyhow.  I felt sorry for our son and wanted to give the marriage a second chance and begged him to come back to us.

After he came back, the abuse was worse than ever.  I gave him my love, he gave me his hatred.  I tried to embrace him, he pushed me away.  I offered him the life of a family; he offered me a life of misery. I gave him my dreams, he gave me a stone.  I forgave him, he made me pay.  I gave him my soul; he twisted the knife and said, “You are a horrible wife.”

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    i am in a marriage of 7 years and have been in relationship with my husband total of 15 years and just found out my husband has Narcissist behavior. I somehow knew he was over obsessive with himself and his career and now he is getting worest he has always been selfish towards me and has alot of anger and now he is violent at times and more verbally abusive than ever. I think with age its getting worst and now. I have very young children and on the verge of divorce. He can be physically abusive, verbally abusive and angry and I cannot trust him. how do I heal myself from this?

  2. Anonymous

    What a heartfelt and moving piece. I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m just waking up to the residual of years of similar abuse I suffered from my ex girlfriend – yes girl – it was and is shocking to finally accept and realise, and I’m just starting to share it now, but it’s very hard to do that after years of silence
    Anyway thank you for writing this, it is part of understanding an area I had no idea of until recently

    Nick

  3. Susana

    Powerful story, thank you for sharing, I had a 27 yr marriage with a narc, my mother was a narc, I hooked up with a sociopath after that and was married for only a short time, 6 wks to another narc, I do ministry, work with kids and adults with horses and such and thought I could spot one far away. I did not even date for 4 yrs, thinking I was waiting for the right one to come along, and when he did, it was great, until after the marriage. Totally other person immediately. Dang, I am not giving up, but it is discouraging.

  4. Powerful read. I spent 18 years with mine. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall trying to penetrate his understanding. I only recently learned WHAT I was dealing with. This site has been priceless. The decision to leave was brutal and he made it extremely worse (I was a horrible mother.) Nevermind that I homeschooled for 7 years and took care of everything while he pursued his career passions. Once the choice was made to leave and the initial misery abated–clarity burst in and I could no longer deny the truth. Today I am self-sufficient and know my worth, meanwhile, he is still pathetic. Leave his dumbass and don’t look back.

  5. Anonymous

    Kim, if your piece helps even just one person to recognise that what they are going through is a pattern, that it is not them but the one doing this that is sick, it may even be worth the terrible pain. These people walk among us but so few realise and understand. Just keep telling our stories and I know how much strength it gave me to read them, and every word will count towards some thing good. x

  6. Sinderella

    My friend told me on Tuesday that my Narc ex-best friend was ranting and raving about how I’m the worst person in the world. I wish I could have been there to see his face when my friend told him that whatever happened between us was probably his fault because he screws up every relationship.

  7. Pingback: I Was a Horrible Wife | thelostselflifeafternarcissism

  8. Anna

    I’m just about ready to let him go…to go NC even though we have kids. It will be so tempting to talk to him if I get a phone for him to call the kids only on or set up an email for them to contact dad on. I’m so afraid no one will ever want me, that he’s right – I’m ugly and no man could love me. I’m afraid I’m giving up my last chance at ever having “love” (even though his kind of love is not really love at all) when I’m letting him go. I’m scared to spend my life alone, but I’m finding it easier to make this choice all the time as I see he doesn’t really love me either.

    1. Healing

      Anna, trust me on this…other men WILL find you lovable. My ex had me believing the same thing. Now I get a lot of dates and I’M the one being picky! Remember that all the bad things he said about you are him just yelling in the mirror at himself! We are their mirrors…just objects…he never saw the real beautiful you to begin with. One day a healthy man will see you for all the beauty you are – inside and out. More importantly, you must open your eyes and see it again, too, and tell the lies he put in your head to GO TO HELL! 😉 HUGS!

  9. I can relate so much to the things you endured and no one deserves that, however, there must be something wrong with me b/c the thought of he and I reuniting nauseates me. I don’t miss him at all. He disgusts me. I hate what he did and God have mercy on me, I hate him.

    1. Anna

      That’s a good thing, Teela. I wish that I could get over the urge to contact him. I think the urge to self-preservation urge is normal…it’s great that you want nothing to do with someone who’s treated you horribly!

      1. Healing

        Yes, Teela! Good for you! You are having a much healthier response to abuse than I certainly did. My wishful thinking doesn’t change his pathology, nor would yours. You are living in reality and reality is telling you to be disgusted because he obviously did disgusting things. Congratulations for being healthy and rational. Don’t start second-guessing yourself now! Keep that chin up and move forward demanding the respect you have always been worthy of. That sentiment goes to all of us. 😉

      2. Thanks Anna, I thought maybe I might be a sociopath!
        Also, I suffered so much for so long I guess I had already grieved the loss before I left.
        Thank you for replying to my comment.

  10. Anna

    I was always a horrible wife and mother too. I haven’t gone NC yet, but I’m about to. I have tried to be honest with my abuser about the fact that I felt he didn’t love me. He has said “it’s fabricated” – he invalidates my feelings. More signs of narcissism I suppose?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Anna, if he’s a Narcissist, then yes…they will do anything to shift the blame from themselves onto you. It’s not his fault for abusing you, it’s your fault for being hurt.

      It’s not his problem that you choose to feel invalidated…

      These are their behaviors exactly. They invalidate not only our feelings, but every part of our makeup.

  11. As Kimberly said, a really moving last para. The whole piece was wonderfully written. I love it, though I don’t love what happened to you. It flashed me back to what I endured – the abuse only seemed to manifest when I became pregnant.

    I remember feeling so betrayed that this – what should have been the most beautiful time of our lives – was turned into a marathon of endurance by my self-obsessed and abusive man. It was of course, all about him and his needs and problems.

    So sad that these creatures take someone at their most vulnerable and try to trample all over them. Thank God you came back up fighting 😉

  12. Christina

    So sorry Kimberly, I didn’t realize you were relating part of your own experiences and mistakenly thought you had posted on behalf of someone else when I saw the name under the picture. I just wanted to say as well that you deserved none of this and well what you do for others with your blog is evidence of your kind heart. It brought me tears for you and was a wake-up call for me. Thanks Healing and MM I’m determined to stay true to my path of healing.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Christina,

      Thank you for your sweet, kind words. I’ve moved on for the most part, but I write these posts from time to time because it helps others, such as yourself, to see that no matter how many times we forgive and offer them a good life, it never helps in the end. They never see the good we do, the sacrifices we make, nor our love.

      You can do this 🙂

  13. Healing

    Soooo sorry you went through that, Kimberly. I relate so well. 🙁 And yes, I, too,still wake up missing him and wishing it were all just a bad dream, Christina. I have to follow my head until my heart catches up. I know I am in a better place and he will never ever change for the better.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Healing, that’s exactly what it takes….following our head until our heart catches up. Very wise words, indeed 😉

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks, Mick, for the lovely comment, and the love vibrations 🙂

  14. Voo Loo

    OMG Kim~ I am so sad that you had to go through that. I so admire what you are doing here for us. Narc/Psycho abuse is soooo difficult. I find it hard to find that friends understand. It just sucks. Why do we think men are the be all and end all and it’s HER fault? I don’t belong on this planet. Anyway, thank you for sharing and love to you…..

    1. Kim Saeed

      Voo Loo…great to see you here again. Yes, it’s very difficult overcoming Narc/Psychopath abuse because it goes all the way down to the soul level. That’s why traditional therapy doesn’t always help in the way one would think. I have gotten more help through guided meditations and energy healing than any therapist I’ve seen.

      Thanks for your encouragement. Love to you, too 🙂

  15. Christina

    I really needed to read that. that is exactly how worthless he made me feel after all the love and care I gave him and his kids. Yet after 18 days of no contact after finding the self respect to leave for good I was just lying in bed wide awake and missing him. Pathetically I was listening to Mariah Carey’s new single and allowing myself to fantasize about him realizing what he lost and be the first N in history to open up and heal because of my love and loyalty. In the middle of this silly dream my phone vibrated to let me know I had incoming message…the above heartbreaking reminder. Was like a glass of water thrown in my face and I am very grateful for it. I’d forgotten for a few minutes how peaceful life has been since I faced reality and decided to reclaim my old life. It’s scary that I could even daydream about taking him back after all the abuse and why at the moment I need these posts so much.

    1. Kim Saeed

      ” fantasize about him realizing what he lost and be the first N in history to open up and heal because of my love and loyalty”…we all have this fantasy in the beginning. But when we do that, we are projecting our traits of love and its power onto the Narcissist, which they cannot begin to comprehend.

      1. Christina

        Thank-you, I will remind myself of that whenever I weaken and start dreaming about reaching all my life goals. Ironically this is one of the reasons he said he was so attracted to me in the beginning, how I chased after and achieved my dreams. Which he then made impossible because every spare moment had to be spent serving him. Thank-you! I’ll save my sappy music for a guy that is actually capable of loving for a start LOL!

        1. Kim Saeed

          Well, if he was one of your life goals, I can see the purpose for letting that one go, but I hope you will continue to go after your other dreams. Don’t let him take that away from you.

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