How You Became the Other Woman

the other woman

I’ve worked with countless numbers of women who started out engaged to or married to a Narcissist and then, through a twisted turn of events, became the “Other Woman”.

While the Narcissist’s infidelity itself is unfair, the really sad part is that when this happens to each woman, she feels extremely isolated because she thinks she’s the only one “crazy” enough to accept this arrangement.  What she doesn’t realize is that this is very common among women who are involved in a dysfunctional relationship with a Narcissist.  In fact, it’s one of the biggest indicators of the depth of pathological manipulation the Narcissist is capable of.

Logically, who would agree to allow their partner to have a primary lover outside of the relationship, and further, who only comes around when he’s bored or his main partner is “out of service”?

Shocking, yes?  If you haven’t been through this experience, you may have felt a sting of indignation just imagining this happening to you.  If you have been through this, you probably felt nauseated.  These are all natural reactions of those who have high moral standards and empathy for other people.

The Narcissist doesn’t have morals or empathy.  He couldn’t care less about how his cheating affects the people in his life who are supposed to be precious to him.  To drive my point, I once received an email from a woman whose Narcissistic husband was out cheating while she lay in the delivery room about to give birth to their child!

If you’ve become the “Other Woman”, you are not alone.  And while it may seem impossible right now, you can put a stop to this injustice and reclaim your dignity and self-worth.  But first, I will explain how the Narcissist’s new love interest became his main squeeze and you morphed into the “Other Woman”, sitting around waiting for him to throw the proverbial bone.

1.        The fall of the fairytale

At some point in your relationship, the Narcissist decided you weren’t good supply anymore.  It may have been something simple, such as your asking him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, or being too tired to cook a four-course meal after working 12 hours.  Narcissists are selfish and trivial that way.  Or, perhaps it was something scandalous, like your catching him looking at porn or sending Facebook messages to other women.  Either way, there was a definite turning point where you fell off the pedestal and he went looking for other sources of supply.  You’ve seen his ugly side, and he can’t tolerate living under scrutiny.  The whole crux of Narcissism is living as one pleases without any accountability.

2.        The newer model

At this point, the Narcissist went out in search of a new source of livelihood.  This is akin to someone going to a dealership and test-driving different cars.  That’s exactly what the Narcissist does when he’s securing new supply.  He doesn’t keep his focus on just one model, he wants to see what other models have to offer, and thus he literally went out (behind your back) openly flirting and hooking new victims.

After finding an acceptable replacement, he started the devalue and discard phase.  All of your insecurities and weaknesses were manifested at once.  He did and said everything he could in order to make you feel completely worthless.  And it worked. Even worse, your feelings of not being good enough were amplified by the fact that he began to flaunt the new woman in your face.

3.        The switch

This is where you converted to the Other Woman.  The real OW became his new love interest and he discarded you.  Often, this discard happens in front of the new woman.  While she may gloat and have a holier-than-thou attitude about the whole thing, she doesn’t know that you were clueless about her until the last minute.  Where you simply confronted your partner about cheating, she thinks you stalked him down because you’re bat-sh** crazy, as the Narcissist would have her believe.  This scenario is often engineered by the Narcissist in order to deliver the final blow.  Remember how you saw his ugly side? He has to overcompensate for that.  And the only way he can accomplish this is by showing you how great he is to someone else, and what better way to do that than to tag-team against you with his new supply?

So there you were, utterly defeated and thrown away like yesterday’s meatloaf.  The time and love you invested in the relationship was gone.  Your self-esteem was at an all-time low, and you truly believed no one would ever give you the time of day for the rest of your life.

The reason you felt that way, and still do, is because the Narcissist brainwashed you into believing it. Much like Baby Elephant Syndrome, you remain trapped by your limiting beliefs.

You believed the Narcissist when he came around pretending to have second thoughts about the whole thing when, in reality, he realized someone else would eventually try to win your heart and that sure as hell isn’t going to happen if he has anything to do with it!

In the Narcissist’s mind, you are his property.  Even though he doesn’t really want a relationship with you, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you, either.  So, he threw out a few crumbs to see if you would bite, and you did.  You gave him a key to your new apartment.  You allowed him back into your bed.  You started paying some of his bills again while he fed you soup about being “trapped” in the relationship with the new woman.  According to him, the only reason he started a relationship with her was because she offered him something you couldn’t (money, social connections, fringe benefits, etc.)  Furthermore, you’re not good wife material, but he still cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you…sound familiar?  In time, you found yourself waiting endlessly for him to give you one minute of his spare time while he went about his days without giving you a second thought…until it would serve him in some way to do so.

It’s Not Love

You think you’re still in love, but it’s not love…it’s toxic attachment.  If you’ve heard of toxic relationship cords, the two of you are connected energetically and because the relationship was so intense, these cords are thicker and more defined.  Cords of attachment are negative and hold the negative energies that were part of the relationship.  In this cord are stuck memories of betrayal, anger, hatred, sadness, fear, rejection etc. Even if you’re no longer seeing each other, because of this cord, toxic emotions affect your peace of mind, health and happiness.

Through a combination of toxic cord attachments and the Narcissist’s conditioning, you are energetically and mentally connected to your abuser.  You are ensnared in a “trance of unworthiness”.  And you look to your abuser to anoint you with value, but that won’t happen.  Ever – unless he’s trying to hoover you back into his snare.

You are the only one that can acknowledge your worth, and it’s not something you have to earn.  It’s something you already possess.  It’s buried underneath your feelings of personal deficiency, and only through recognizing this and facing it head on will you begin true healing.  

In closing, in order to truly heal you must cut all ties with the Narcissist.  He will only leave you stewing in a swamp of shame.  Regardless of what he says, he doesn’t love anyone…not even the new woman, in spite of what it may look like.

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  1. Pingback: The Time I Agreed to be a Second Wife - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  2. UsedAndAbused

    I am a male and my lady (the love of my Life) did the same thing to me. So it is women also pulling these terrible tricks on men too. And not just men abusing women

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Used and Abused, you must have just found my site. This is one of my older articles and since then I’ve written about female narcissists many times.


  3. Anonymous

    I went through this sounds like my exact same story. When I gave birth to my youngest he left me to be with her. He did all those things you described. This was 11 years ago. I forgave him when he left her we made it 11 more years and he did ok but I always believed eventually he would do this to me again. He did. We have five children together and my youngest who is now going on 12 didn’t know of this because the last time he did it I was giving birth to her. This time when he cheated and of course lies to this woman as he tried with me, I left him. It’s been 8 months now and he has tried to sleep with me every time I try to be cordial for the sake of the kids. He doesn’t even spend time with them, doesn’t call them but yet tries to get with me everytime I’m nice because I want my kids to be a part of his life. So I decided to just stay away from him all together. It’s a waste of time. If he loses respect for his kids it’s all on him. I never turned them against him and he chooses to neglect them. I feel bad for my children because they don’t deserve this. But I can’t help someone who doesn’t see a problem in their behavior. I don’t want him back because I know my worth now and I’ve been through enough. He killed that love. I just hope someday he can be a better father but I’m starting to believe that will probably never happen. Looking foward to my future and I hope that woman who go through this leave as soon as possible. It’s not worth losing your sanity, dignity or moral over it. I feel so free and the woman who gloats thinking she is a better woman than me because he lies and has her believe it was my fault. I feel sorry for her. He will reveal his true self and then she will know that it wasn’t me, it was him. But thats that’s another story. I’m just glad I was strong enough to remove myself from the equation this time. Now I love myself more than I ever thought I could. Thanks for this post I hope it helps other woman to be strong as well. Because are beautiful and are worth so much more than that..

  4. Monica

    Wow! This article describes exactly how my marriage ended. The sad thing about it is that I convinced myself he was this amazing person. Then I acted shocked by his lack of concern for me after 10 years and 3 children. His disrespect made me question my mental stability. I thought I was stupid/ broken for allowing him to mistreat me all these years. I really thought I was doing the right thing by keeping the commitment I made before God. Reluctantly i was forced to confront these fabricated ideaologies that my distorted imagination created. I realized it was a coping mechanism in order to protect myself from the pain i allowed him to continue to a flick me with. In reality, I was hanging on to something God was trying to take away. S unconsciously I knew he could never love me like I needed him to. I was always trying to prove t Yo him that I was eniugh. It was a destructive relationship that I could not let go of. If he hadn’t been murdered i would probably still be caught up “trying to keep my family together .” These articles help me understand these issues so I never have to go through that pain again

  5. Anonymous

    This was my life summarized. A very good read. Thank you for reminding me of the manipulator I left behind.

  6. Pingback: Narcissists and the “Let’s Be Friends” Scam - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  7. Ty

    Hi all

    Today marks 1 year exactly of having no contact with my 6 year relationship he came to me like a knight in shining armour but I was introduced to much drama over the years we just battled through his problems one by one his excuses one by one I thought that’s what couples do but when it comes to my needs and wants he always had an excuse. You do so much for them for them to find excuses why they can’t get a job and pay their bills,holidays, place of our own etc you know pleasures of being an item but they accept late night calls from women and it’s not their fault they just helping a “friend” out who’s ill down and out so you keep quiet eventhough they know you ain’t happy and say just cos I’m not responding how you want me too you make a fuss so I leave and every time he would plead to take me back they love hearing you cry it’s like they wanna keep you on repeat like a record. I only ever saw a life with him my first love one day you realise your efforts are never appreciated but they appreciate lil efforts from everyone else and why can’t you be like this person or that anything but you but when you be loving them and they don’t reciporate it back who’s really loving you?? I didn’t want to go no contact but it’s the only way to get the spew of evil entangled free nothing else worked even we decided to go seperate ways he always had a way to drop in convo this would never happen if you never..(fill in gaps I’m sure you been there too). When you try be understanding they see you as gulliable helping out they see you as someone to be used it’s always on their own terms you eventually forget who you are and when they lie cheat in your face and leave you you feel such a heavy load you been carrying and it was never for you to carry.Live your life for you.Its hard but think of things you love doing more than memories of your ex remember they aren’t the person you fell in love with they long gone and so should you..Travel ,meet family and friends , go shopping..remember how it is to be free and not on egg shells . With N there will always feel like something missing like loyalty respect trust teamwork solid foundation etc Rather than trying to find “him” again find “you”.Its only when you breathe fresh air you realise how toxic some people can be.I love my ex still but I love him at a distance lol we had our chance after chance.God needs to make a man out of him before I could make a potential husband.The shortcoming is theirs not yours love you some more and the right guy will walk into your life just live in here and now like me you just “haven’t met yet”..!!!We know the red flags to look for and know to not ignore them as they serve to protect us before we just in and swim test how deep it is and if they on the same waves or is he or she is a sinking ship.relationships either build or destroy…we know now to choose wisely..Good Luck God bless Ty x

  8. Lisa

    Kim , My narc had dicarded me and found a new woman and told menfor the last 5 months he was leaving her and I believed him. Every time he told me he was moving out , the next day he would tell me he could not make the move and hurt her .. eand he needed more time . He had always told me he still loved me and he would be back . -“@ the plans he made he just canceled . . I was with him for 3 years .. I am so hurt to know he chosed her over me ..

  9. Mark

    Once again Kim, another fantastic article written that describes what we’ve all been through. I myself, was texted “I can’t be with you anymore, I’m with (NAME)” that’s how it ended. This hurt beyond belief, but it’s for the best, I know.

    I have been No Contact for 4wks now and each day gets better, especially with articles like this and reading your “How To Do No Contact Like A Boss”. I read this eBook daily and it helps me make it through the minute/day/week. I honestly don’t know where I’d be if this site wasn’t around. So thank you Kim from the bottom of my heart, you are a God send!!


    1. kimraya

      Thank you for your kind praise, Mark, and for your generous support regarding my site and Amazon book. I hope you’ve been able to maintain No Contact since you wrote your comment. I hope to continue providing content that helps you stay the course <3

  10. Betty Baldwin

    Wow, this whole site is a godsend. And, this article seems to be talking specifically about me. I thought I was the only one who went from girlfriend to ex-girlfriend to side girlfriend. I felt cheap and like a fool. I never really thought of it as friends with benefits. He is definitely not my friend. Friends care about you. What he is doing is using me as a booty call. Or, shall I say he was. I too fell for the bs that he was having trouble with the new woman and that he still loved and missed me. After our breakup, due to his cheating with the woman he’s with now, we didn’t speak for almost a year. Then he slithered back into my life like a venomous snake. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. After about a year of that I called him on his treatment of me. About six weeks after that they got engaged. But the story doesn’t end there. He still calls me and says he loves me. Even though “she’s more compatible with him, their relationship doesn’t have the passion that ours does.” At first his said he wants to keep seeing me until they get married. I told him absolutely not. I’m not waiting around to get dumped. Then he said, okay we can continue after I get married. I told him that he can’t break his marriage vows. Answer: “I can do whatever I want.” Now he’s pulling the, we can just be friends bs just to keep me on the hook. He does this all the time. But next time he calls he’ll flirt a lot and act very seductive. I’m going no contact!!!

    1. kimraya

      Hi Betty…thank you for sharing your experience. As an outsider looking in, and having worked with many clients, I can honestly say that going No Contact is absolutely the best thing you can do for yourself. He will never stop pursuing you and as long as he has a way to get through, the harder it will be for you to stop this madness, heal, and get on with your life. This push-pull is a BLUEPRINT behavior of theirs. He will never put you in a high-value status position where you belong. Going NC will show him that you value yourself and that he can’t use you anymore.

  11. Cynthia

    From what I’m reading and have read, I’m afraid to believe that my boyfriend is a narcissist. He lied to me from day one! 16 months later I found out he’s still married, paying her bills…..excuse because the grandaughter still lives there (she does & her baby) He’s an alcoholic! He thinks he’s one of the smartest men on earth. Talks down his co workers. Like he never does wrong, always the other person. Repeats himself when drunk, ugh he wears me out! He says I’m the only one, but still had contact with wife! I’ve talked to her said its not intimate. Etc. Well, I’ve left several times and came back. Why!!! I don’t know why I stay. Ive been preparing myself for along time, for the day when I leave for permanent. It’s been 3 years. Ugh!! He says he loves me, that is Not true love I tell him, a lot! I am a widow, he is the first man since the loss of my husband 🙁 And I blew him off at first. I should of kept it that way. I’m tired. I don’t know why I come back. As far as another woman, I sure hope not, but I don’t trust him because of all the lies since day one! He says he loves me, just wants me (?) hmm?! I need help. I need to leave and stay gone. Thank you for listening, and hoping for an answer & a miracle

    1. Kim Saeed

      Cynthia – I wish I had a miracle for you, but unfortunately, we all have to walk the path of recovery from this kind of abuse. Whether or not your boyfriend is a narcissist may not be the important thing. You said he lied to you from day one and that he’s an alcoholic.

      I’m not saying we should all abandon anyone with an addiction, but the sad truth is that when involved with someone who does have an addiction, we will never be their priority because their addiction is. The fact that he has repeatedly lied to you is not a good sign, either.

      What I can offer is that as long as we wait for someone to change and love us, we are wasting out on precious time with the person who would actually love us – meaning there is someone out there who would treat you with the respect you deserve, if only you’d free yourself from your toxic boyfriend, set healthy boundaries for yourself, and put yourself out there for real love <3

  12. Pingback: The Real Reason You Break No Contact (It’s Not What You Think) | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  13. The narcissist is all about taking. You are good supply not a person. Its all a utility item for him or her. The new supply is a pawn in their own way. Not much good comes out of interacting with a narcissist.

  14. Pingback: Narcissists and the “Let’s Be Friends” Scam | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  15. Jamie

    I’ve been reading this blog and comments, but my narc doesn’t rub it in my face as in yes they are together and sleeping together etc. He denies that there is anything between my friend and him. He left me the same night I told him her and him made me uncomfortable how close they were getting. Few hours later he ended it wote, talked to him about it and he said it was just coincidence, but I don’t believe that, because he’s living there still. Apparently on her couch, but she’s the one that allowed him to live there and yet she’s mad because I said I believe they are an item, so she decided to tell my ex that I was unfaithful etc.
    He msged me 2 weeks ago after I went no contact for 1 week, saying his guiding light is gone and he’s lost and scared and now he wants to try dating me to see if that works. I laugh at that, because we were together for 5 and had a son together. Seems all silly to me. But, i do feel like I went from “main women” to side girl in a matter of a month. i try to rationalize with myself saying oh maybe he is right, maybe they aren’t together or whatever. But, I have to snap out of it and realize that he left me and moved there more then for a place to stay.

  16. Pingback: Valentine’s Day Fallout – Narcissists and the Contingency Plan | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  17. Ret

    Dear Kim,

    Thank you for your knowledge on this subject. I’ve been reading excerpts from your blog for months. My eyes have been opened, as I can have experienced the roller coaster of devaluation and discardment. It truly is crazy making behavior. For the longest time I didn’t know what to make of my relationship with my husband. For years, I knew in my gut that I shouldn’t continue with the relationship. But I kept going back. Soon after I would be devalued. Looking back, I even feel our children were devalued. It’s as if we didn’t exist any longer…..until he needed something. It’s heartbreaking! No one deserves such horrible treatment from a loved one. I hope that all who’ve experienced such terrible abuse come out stronger than before. You are all worth so much more. Kim, thank you for your support!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for such kind, encouraging words, Ret. I wish you all the best in your journey of recovery, and your children, too. Hugs <3

  18. Pingback: NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET HOOVERED BACK IN | Narc Abuse Survivors: These "Boots" are made for walkin

  19. Heidi Anne

    I’ve just been horribly discarded. ! Shameful , hurtful beyond explanation , I feel absolutely degraded !! It has been one week NC . It’s not easy. . Everything I read here I totally relate to, this is exactly happening , it’s like a horror movie ! I find the information and the posts very helpful ! It helps me keep some sanity through this difficult time !

  20. Tumi

    Dear Kim. Thank you for your post. It just re- affirmed my current marital situation. Pregnant with his 3rd child he couldn’t think twice about flaunting his mistress and rubbing their relationship on my nose, and showing it off in front of the law officials. I nearly lost the baby and my sanity. He proclaimed his love her and devalued me and position at work…I am am in middle management in Engineering, a professional engineer, yet he stated to the officers when paying bail application fee for his mistress that I scrub floors as my occupation. He destroyed the feelings of my self worth. I am glad I am slowly working on appreciating myself. I am moving on….without him.
    Regard T

  21. Liz

    I think he is attempting to make me the other woman..
    It has been only 7 weeks since our split.
    I discovered he had been messaging a woman he met on a football trip just 2 weeks before our split. He had spent 9 evenings with her “just talking” while they were away..
    As he had cheated several time before and I had always forgiven, this time I broke, so I left and stayed in a motel, waiting for him to delete her from his life before it went too far..
    After 2 weeks he still had contact with her so I got myself an apartment and moved out..
    He now says out split is down to my leaving him and with days she was staying in my home for nights on end and he has convinced her he was a broken man and she was a great support..
    Last week he was caught on a dating sight, I tried to warm her, and she asked a lot about our r’ship so I told her all the cheatingn as well as the physical abuse I suffered.. He then convinced her he only went on the sight to see how long it would take for me to cause trouble.
    She bought it, hook line and sinker..
    She is still with him, she will stays in what was my home.. And he tells me she is so easy to talk to, that she will never replace me, I understand him better than anyone else could. That I am beautiful and he loves me, he misses me and is sure I am the one.. But he can’t be sure he can live with my kids again..
    He called today and told me (after the first 20 minutes of yelling and drilling me about who I have spoken to and making sure I have deleted Facebook and Instagram) he told me he thinks of me all day and all night. That he is confused and she knows he loves me.
    I have asked why is there even a choice to be made and he cannot answer except the excuse about the kids..
    He sporadically puts me down but he also tells me often I am beautiful and my body is amazing and no one can love him like I can…
    I am so confused, he seems to fit the NPD mould in so many ways, and during our relationship it’s him completely, it’s just a this latest phase that has thrown me…
    Am I becoming he other woman, or is he having second thoughts about the new one (she is a strong business woman who is very much the centre if attention anywhere she goes, however, not particularly attractive to look at and a little podgy)

  22. Anonymous

    How do I begin to figure this out? I am a smart woman, attractive and kind. I had never met this man when he “chose” me. It’s so very strange. He manipulated the devalue and discard phase so neatly into the holidays. Of course he is married – and she seems so happy??? I am so confused…and sad…and feel so gosh darn used…

  23. Pingback: The Time I Agreed to be a Second Wife | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  24. Pingback: Part 3: Opening the doors on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic abuse | Happiness Weekly

  25. Pingback: But He Says He Still Loves Me… | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  26. Annabelle

    Thank you Kim for your very very helpful information, and also to the other folks who have told their stories.

    Some of these details feel very familiar to me also. (I’m sorry this is a bit long). A man (probably a mild narcissist) who is in the same social group as me became “involved” romantically with me through emails while he was out of town for several months on business (yes, I was a willing participant). I did not initially know that he was in another relationship with another woman, but unfortunately I did not say no when I found out–I was already kind of hooked. He was able to connect with me in our email discussions in such an understanding and intimate way, unlike any ever in any relationship I have been in. So of course I was thinking that he was special and caring and really had my interests at heart. About a month before he came back to town he emailed me that he had a “deepening of his relationship. . . .” with the other woman. That really stung. Probably anyone looking at this from the outside would say that was predictable, but with me being in the middle of it (and having fallen in love with him), I had huge blinders on. I was so upset and distraught (not eating, not sleeping, etc.), that for about 3 weeks, I went no contact, so that it would not interfere with my work, which was busy/stressful at the time.

    I initiated contact again to apologize (and perhaps foolishly in hopes of having a platonic friendship with him instead). It was just such a potent connection that in some way I felt I wanted some kind of a connection with him, even if it wasn’t romantic. He agreed to trying to have a friendship.

    Fast forward to now. I see him in this social group now about once a week since he is back in town. We do send some completely platonic emails from time to time, but he sometimes has taken a long time to answer, and it has caused me considerable anxiety. Sometimes he seems very supportive and wise, and other times non-responsive or even saying/doing slightly cruel things (like talking about how thanks to me he’s having more sex with the other woman now). I have tried to water down my hopes and expectations of what a friendship can be with him, and now it feels like I’m hardly being myself any more. If I hope or need something, it is a toss-up as to whether he can come through (I’m talking very basic free things here, and not in any way romantic). I feel like I have to choose between this messed up “friendship” and being myself. I used to have a lot of sexual energy and feel more lively, but now I feel numb and it’s like I can’t find myself. I don’t know why I fell for this guy, but it has been very painful. (I still love him, even though I have been trying to deny my feelings). I don’t want to quit this social group, because I love the activity, and it is specialized enough that there really isn’t another one in town to join. And I have made other friends in this group. So this is a tricky situation. I am relieved when he is not there–I can just enjoy myself. I haven’t figured out how to insulate myself from his energy when he is there.

    He is on vacation, and it will be about 4 weeks till I see him again. So this is basically a perfect opportunity for no contact, and to try to get my head straight and find myself and my soul again. But it is so difficult and painful. Do you have any suggestions for how I can manage/protect myself from his energy when he is there? How can I continue this hobby and not be so powerfully affected by him?

    Thank you for any suggestions you may have!

    1. Kim Saeed


      Thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. I’m sorry you are experiencing this kind of pain.

      If you want to cut the energy ties, I have a couple of articles you may want to read if you haven’t already. One is about psychic cord-cutting:

      Cutting energy ties:

      Hope those help. You may also benefit from going in periodically and deleting his emails until they are all gone. Best wishes for your healing <3

  27. RodMan

    As a guy who got wrapped up in a woman’s web of betrayal, I can tell you the similarities are uncanny. I still think my ex was BPD, and not an overt narcissist. They are so similar though. The symptoms are almost identical, but the differences are in the reasons they do what they do. BPD’s generally do not wish ill will toward you, yet they are so self consumed with their own plight that they dont take the time to consider your feelings. In any case, this last post was very helpful indeed.

  28. Pingback: How to Attract a Narcissist Back Into Your Life | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  29. Theonethatgotaway

    This almost happened to me. He started seeing someone behind my back. I found out. He denied it said she was the one chasing him but never made an attempt to stop her from “chasing” him. I broke up with him. He said let’s take a break and see how things go in a few months. I agreed before I knew it we were dating again and he never stopped seeing the other woman who lived in a different country where he just opened up a new business. So he sees her when he goes there on business but found out they are in a relationship on FB at least on her page with pictures of them together. His page does not have a relationship status with no pictures of her or them together. Anyway. I was like ok. I’ve had enough. Told him to go kick rocks. He still kept calling me like nothing was wrong and was trying to slip back in only this time there would be no commitment or expectations on his end. Finally I told him to stop calling me. I’ve blocked him. It’s been 4 months. It was hard, but every day gets better. NC is the way to go when this happens to you. Don’t worry he will soon get tired of the other lady and add her to his harem and find a new target. While trying to keep tabs on you and the one he left you for will probably be clinging on hoping while he still gets to do whatever he wants. That’s the thing they want to do whatever they want but you dare not do the same. I’m glad it’s over.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I’m very sorry to hear that you went through this, but happy to know you went No Contact and that it was successful for you.

      No Contact really is the first and only step towards recovery and freedom. It’s similar to being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and only after an extended period of No Contact does the FOG begin to lift so we can have clarity about the situation.

      Thanks for sharing your success story!

      1. Theonethatgotaway

        Your blog has helped me. I just had a conversation with a friend yesterday who is going through this only she is married to him with two children. She moved out of the house finally. I referred her here. I told her she will be amazed at how many other women are going through this or have.

        You are so right about it being an addiction. I thought I was going to die. I lost 10lbs in a matter of days. Sleep was a luxury and I couldn’t understand why I felt that way. I’m here to tell all going NC is HARD. But it is the only way. They will try to get in one way or another. Mine has a few of my things and when he’d call and leave a message it was about him mailing them to me. It’s been 4 months and I’m yet to get anything from him. I blocked him after the last useless message he left about returning my things.
        What amazes me is how they can tell lies! Adhoc lies as needed without even blinking! It’s scary!
        You are a blessing Kim. Thank you for this!

  30. Pingback: One Year With a Narcissist | thecaptainslies

  31. Pingback: No Really, It’s You | The Eclectic Poet

  32. Mimi Pollier

    Hi Kim:
    What i also should of added is that he is sick with Liver Disease and still drinks. Sometime i feel like alot of this is related to his disease and also to his narcissism. (reading alot about both issues). I worry about what he will do when he really gets sick from his disase, who will help and take care of him?? What do you think about this disease which is related to brain functioning??? Could this cause some of this behavior?? Just a thought. Thank you Mimi

    1. Kim Saeed


      I sent you an email, be on the lookout for it.

      I can understand why and how you feel compassion for him. But, his issues are his own to fix. You are not responsible for his sickness, nor for the outcome of it.

      I don’t say that to be heartless. I’m sure his alcoholism may have contributed to some of his infidelity, but you have got to let go of the idea that you are responsible for this man who has paid you back with nothing but grief.

      If he doesn’t care about getting well, you can’t do anything to change that. Are you going to trade in your own happiness and future over to grief and misery to a man who obviously has no plans to change? You aren’t helping him by staying. The sad truth is, you are enabling him to continue on his path. Please don’t be offended because that’s not my intention. I say that from personal experience, and in the end, I decided I deserved to be happy…

    2. Mimi Pollier

      No, kim. i pray to GOD and i do believe in God that i never feel this way again.. it just is terrible. you are so dead on right about what you are saying about these N’s. He is one totally am convinced of this. Everything you say is so accurate and true… God bless you for trying to help all woman who are suffering from the N’s. Have a good weekend Mimi

    3. Mimi Pollier

      Good Morning Morning Kim:
      How long do you think it takes to feel whole again> I feel like very strange and empty now after this last discard and dump.. I go out with people and do things but don’t feel totally connected to what i’m doing and saying. Is this common to feel like this.. I’ve just gone through so much this last year with this N and his games it has left a toll on me.

      Can you talk alittle about what you feel like in the end after they leave us for good? How long did it take you to reconnect with life, a man and marriage? Thank you kindly, Mimi

  33. Mimi Pollier

    Hi Kim:
    My god your article reflects exactly what has happened to me several time with the N in my life. What you just explained just happened again to me with him. Do you really believe they do not love the ow. They are jus t so convincing. Thank you Mimi

    1. Kim Saeed

      Mimi, yes…it is very convincing. There are a few factors that make his affection toward the ow seem so genuine. First, he is relieved at having a new source of supply that sees him as a God. Secondly, a lot of it is geared toward making you feel less than…as though you never would have made him as happy as the new woman. Thirdly, he is love-bombing the new girl, so he wants her to feel like she’s a queen and you’re dirt. Of course, you’re not. But it’s the final stage of him devaluing you before he leaves for good. Just forget about this guy. What he’s doing is similar to a Preschooler on the playground showing off that he has candy and his friends don’t…he’s an overgrown bully.

      1. Mimi Pollier

        HI Kim:
        THank you for replying to my last comment. What i wanted to also add is that he has come back and forth lately to me with the pretense to stay and work it out. Then in a matter of days he is gone again saying he is going down that road (the ow).
        He tells people he is confused and torn between two woman. But all the time he knows exactly what he is doing and what he wants to do.. he says he might come back who knows what the future will bring. What do you think about this? I think it is an infacuation with this ow, who by the way is so disgusting. I do notice he always chooses terrible quality of woman with very little to show for their lives.. this is a pattern of his. In closing what are your thoughts on N’s going back and forth (do you really think they are confused) and do they come back to the person that really loves them and cares about them. I’ve been with this man for 27 years; he kept telling me we would get married… Thank you again, Mimi

        1. Kim Saeed


          First off, I think you’ve given him more than enough chances. Unless you put a stop to this, he will continue this behavior until the end of time…

          Regardless of the amount of time you’ve invested in the relationship, it is obvious that the only thing this guy cares about is himself. He may say he is “torn” and “can’t decide”, but what he’s doing is having his cake and eating it, too.

          If I were in your shoes, I would implement No Contact and purge myself of this toxic person. Unless you do, you will be destined for a life of nothing but misery.

          1. Mimi Pollier

            One last thought if you do not mind.. thank you i got your email. in your educated opinion do these guys usually stay with the ow they left you for.. or do they continue their search for new supply. this ow is a total train wreck. that is why it is so hard for me to understand. she is a substance abuser, no job, no home, useless and unattactive. and he thinks she is great and so much better than me. in your experience do they stay with this kind of woman? if she was different i quess i could understand it more.. what are your thoughts. sorry to keep journeling but i had a very bad night of anexity and confusion again. all i keep doing is going over and over everything and wondering what i cound of done differently. how should i have handled things differently and maybe this would of not happened. Please can you respond to me today on this.. thank you so much. i do truly want to heal and be stronger and a more valuable human being. thank you so much mimi

          2. Kim Saeed


            I don’t know the whole background, but when it comes to Narcissists, there is absolutely nothing you could have done differently to change to outcome. His behavior doesn’t have anything to do with you. He acts that way because he is only concerned with his own comfort, regardless of how it affects other people.

            Regardless of what woman he ends up with, he will continue the same behaviors over and over…again, because that’s just how he is.

            What you need to do is write down on postcards, or print out on paper and hang it all over your place: “There is NOTHING I could have done differently.”

            I know how you feel because the first time my Ex and I separated, he left the country and was already “married” to another woman in less than two months. The only thing I could have done differently in order to keep him with me was take his abuse and shut-up about it…but, I hope that’s not the route you will take.

            Mimi, just based on what little info I have, it seems you’ve been brainwashed, and you are placing your whole worth on what this man thinks…

            As an outsider looking in, I think your perception is clouded. Again, based on what little I know…this man is an alcoholic to the extent that he has liver disease, he keeps leaving you to sleep around with skanky women, yet here you are placing your whole sense of self on what he says and does…

            In my honest opinion, this guy doesn’t deserve you. And further, you are already a valuable human being, but you can’t see it because of your history with this man. You are looking for your worth in the wrong place. Don’t give him the power of holding you self-esteem in his hands. take your personal power back and recognize your own self worth, because it’s there, waiting like a diamond in the earth’s mantle, waiting to be discovered.

          3. Mimi Pollier

            Thank you Kim…. i really appreciate you stating it was not my fault or anything i did. The N truly makes you believe that is all my fault that but the truth in the matter is he just located some new available supply and is running with it. (this is the third time this is happened to me with him). But this time it is lasting longer because he keeps saying he likes her.. he is helping her. she is my friend. but realistically he has been sleeping with her on and off. he sees her when ever he wants. But you do believe N’s don’t love us or the new ow. You really believe this… and they will never change even if they come back to us?? You just think they just need new supply. That’s what i think. He really does not love this ow. It really is devasting when you love someone truly and they do leave you for another woman. Thank you truly Mimi

          4. Kim Saeed

            Mimi, there may be moments where it appears that they love us, but let me ask you something…do you feel loved only when you threaten to leave, or maybe when he is buttering you up because he did something really wrong?

            I do believe that N’s don’t know real love. The only thing they might love is what we can do for them. If he really loved you and had respect for you, he wouldn’t keep cheating and having affairs. This is one of the top signs of a Narcissist. Besides, you must ask yourself without even putting love into the equation…are you ready to spend the rest of your life feeling like you feel now? Even if he had a shred of love for you, is it worth all the pain and heartbreak?

            It’s not that you’re unloveable…it’s that he will never love you or anyone. And just to drive my point, my Ex used to act like he felt sorry for other women, too, and that’s why he was “helping” them. Usually along with some story about how nice she was…

            These disordered people are all the same. No, they never change. They might appear to change long enough to get you hooked again, and then it’s back to the nightmare…

  34. I believe that he made me the OW while we were still together, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, still having sex, etc. Less then a week after telling me to move my “sh#t” upstairs (to share a room with my child, because he still wanted me to live there) he had the *actual* OW spending the night, parading her through the house. I moved three days later, taking away his audience in me. It’s been a nightmare ever since.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Oh gosh, I can’t even come up with a word to describe how that must have felt. And I have to wonder about the intelligence of the new woman.

      I’m not sure what you mean when you say it’s been a nightmare, but I’d be glad to offer some guidance, if need be.

      1. I’m going to try for a harassment/stalking order against him. He’s one of the persistent ones unfortunately. He fully expected me to stay living there and deal with them. He’s pops up every two weeks, pulling one thing or another. He can’t let his possession forget about him.

      2. As far as the OW, I’m thinking she’s as bad as he is. She had that sick smirk on her face as she walked past me, he had a look of absolute delight that I got to see her. The only pass I give her is that she is young. I would guess 8 years younger then him. She might do quite the number on him. Either way they deserve each other. My kids and I are in a safe place now. The OW will see how he truly is soon enough.
        Thank you for your writings. They’ve been a great help to me.

  35. Pingback: HOW YOU BECAME ‘THE OTHER WOMAN’ | Preyed on by a Narcissistic Psychopath

    1. Kim Saeed

      I am so happy to know my blog helped you. I think you will enjoy the book. It’s very empowering!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Yes, you do have company. This literally happens ALL the time, but it’s not discussed openly (for the most part) because it’s so humiliating.

  36. I learn and understand more each time I visit here. Kim, I checked your blog for a forum, thread or email. Do you take general questions on this topic here? Thank you.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I don’t yet have the ability to place a forum on my blog, but you are always free to leave a comment under each topic category or email me at 🙂

  37. Nothing tells the story of dating a narcissist as well as this blog.
    Nothing feels as toxic or as brutal as the twists and turns caused by narcissistic abuse. I’m an INFJ (I was reading your other post) and it was interesting to discover that I actually attract them like a kangaroo to light and why that is.
    I can’t explain the loneliness having gone through this and then trying to describe and explain it to friends and family. “Why did you stay?” “Why didn’t you leave?” “Why did you let it get so bad?” No one seems to understand the control.
    This blog made me feel as though you crawled into my skin and were walking with me throughout the entire time I was with him. You not only felt what I felt but you had the absolute identical experiences to what I had. I feel less alone.
    My story gets a little more twisted – but I escaped. Three days after I was well and truly gone, he emailed me to wish me happy birthday. It’s like he’ll always find me. I’ve blocked him in every way I can now. I am absolutely terrified of seeing him, but I’ll never go back. And as long as I’m in control, he will never see or hear from me again.
    Maybe once you see the situation for what it is, it’s easier to step out of it and distance yourself, or perhaps the level of abuse varies to different degrees, but I applaud those who have to continue interacting with a narcissist and have the strength to survive it.
    Thank you for sharing your blog. I have re-posted it – it was too good not to share.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you so much for reaching out and for sharing your story. It’s truly encouraging to know that my posts help you in some way 🙂

      I know how you felt when no one understood why you stayed in the relationship. Even I didn’t understand it myself when I felt unable to leave. Only after leaving did I learn I’d been brainwashed and suffered from trauma bonding, which is what happens to us all.

      I’m so glad you got out. That’s really the first step to healing. You are right, once we get out from under their ominous presence, we begin to see the situation clearly. Thanks for sharing my posts…only through awareness can we help others who are still in the nightmare.

      1. Deana

        I’m new at this and not even sure my husband is this monster the things I have read I have felt something wrong wen iv tried to confront him when iv seen him look at someone ekse he dynies it tells me im being peranoyrd amd jealous i say wat di i have yo geel jealous of cuz u were. Hell say I don’t now wat ur talking about or I will say I’m sick of u talking to me at ur convince or having anything to do wit me at his convince and weeks later hell use that phraz to me slways he does this wat im feel he will later claim to me i get crazy over it he began distance himself form me staying (living) in our room making it to were I had to chose to be wit him or wit my kids who do i want to spend time wit my kids are 6:15;16 he has it out for the 16 always making it to were he bitched about everything she did hed go out of his way to uoset her from walking on her wet moped floor to laeving hus remains in the toilet my daughter lost it every time he went ad far as to call me telling me to tell mu daughter to turn down the music which i called her n told her wTs going on u woke him up to find iut hed already been up n about mind u me n my daughter s have a close relationship i believed her y would he do tbis ivfeel he was trying to seprate my home he left the home suddenly AF er do long I begged him to leave he said it wouldn’t be over till he said and he has Also told me many times he chose me he just recently broke my jaw I had it wired shut this abuse is not the only time and during the assault hell say out loud wat I didn’t touch u wen my face says different usually he will hit were u can not see he blams me for his loose of jobs and blams everyone else for wat ever may of happened I feel iv lost my mind I have a mild bipolar disorder/ manic deppression and I feel plays on my mood swings I have stop taking med for a few years but hell always throw that in I better get on my med or he won’t stay he gets mad and don’t text me wen I question him hell use words like I’m meddling :harassing him wit my text : . Become needy I’m annoying stop bothering him I tell him were married those words he shouldnt feel towards me if he loved me he doesn’t acknolodge my girls and claims atisocial but he’s not that way around others he has everyone believing I’m this horobile person all I have told him deepest secrets hell thro i. My face so loosly i even feel uv seen him make himself swueeze a tear out theres so much more but i eant someone to tell me wat am i dealing wit

        1. Kim Saeed

          Hi Deana, thank you for stopping by and for commenting.

          It’s hard to say what you’re dealing with because to really be able to tell would require more background, etc., but it does seem that your relationship is dysfunctional, especially that he broke your jaw. Regarding your BPD, it’s very possible that your symptoms are instead related to narcissistic abuse syndrome. Long-term emotional abuse can cause people to behave in ways that mimic BPD, so before you go labeling yourself as bipolar, it would be a good idea to seek therapy from someone who specializes in emotional trauma and abuse.

          1. Deana

            Hi I wanted to grt s bettrr understanding if this is wst hr was i dont now for sure he has someone else I wouldn’t deal wit that but I have felt it a few times that he could of rite now he lives at his brothers and controls wen he sees me talks to me b it he really don’t talk hr will only text i call he hardly ever answrrs im not welcome to the brothern laws cuz im assuming he has filled there heads with bad things i dont claim to be an angel but he is the kinda of person I don’t now how to explain one morning I locked my keys in car he went out n while I was in house he got into the car but the battery dead so he had pushed it back for wat I don’t now I noticed the my car hit the house post and my car had a huge dent in the fram of door I got mad and said wat did u do he bluntly wit a straight face told me he didn’t for it I probably did it I said something he then replayed shut the fuk up u stupid bitch go inside and ignored me yelling ever do calm another time he will I was away it was my daughter in him together at the house he has this 16 yr old cat i guess she had a bowel on the bed he thru her to tje hallway shit spattered down hallway my daughter turn to look shr seen him pic the cat uo throu to yhe litter box in her eyes she described he haf been punvhing the cat she said domething i vfear for cat and he begsn to come to her he said to mind her buisnrss she ran out the houses feeling afraid fir self she tried ti call my cell but i left it there and he answered it and said stop trying to rat me out she was very afraid she called my Mon and I could barley understsnd her this is my 15 at time 14 keep in my ge clains this cat is his world it is as thou cats a position not a living thing he wont allow any one to feed it and it cant come out the room hr wont alliw it he begsn living in our bed room wit the littrr box i coildnt do it id sleep in anither room it felt durty in there snd smelled hef claim he was antisocisl but wen he gi to eirk around his buddies he was jyst the opposite my daughter said cuz he can be ehi ever sroi d tgem and we new the real him so he wouldnt intrract eit us i got worse hed tell me he choose me and wen he says uts over then one day after a fighr he lrft i coulfnt let go we are together but he treats me of no wirth and gives me the dilrnt trestment to much he says he dont like taljing on phone and he refuses to talk abiut ussues always iam the reason fir everuthing he blsms mr fir the liise of 4 jobs in two yrs and no i didnt the lasy one i got 86 for something i fifnt do it wad bizate at first domeone said i was mean to thrm false dnd u ndde a commrnt next ill get 86 so thfu can have no worries anf sure enough i d been i felt a strong freling hed been messing around eit someone during this time he had texted me in the morning asking if I’d flatenrdvhis tires both plus his truck tire it wasn’t Mr and that sounds very personal do who did it I asked he claimed it might of beenvthe 9 yr old niece I don’t believe this last fight I felt he went over bored mad cux I got jealous of a situation and he began being cold shirt wit wst he said like leave I font wsntvto see u i dont eant u runing my dinner leave find something else to fovwit ut time icdo t care this is finsl ir gi ahead make me say good bye say one mire word cux i niw u dont now how to shut the fuk up say ur last word I feel to pieces I couldn’t control emotions they went back in firth I was told 12 I had mild bipolar and and dignisef wit manic deporission and hospitalized for it so this brang something out and it all felt to heavy I m wanting to now eat am I dealing eit here pkease shine some lihht for me thsnkby

      2. Anonymous

        I was with my ex husband for over 11 years and in 09 he walked out leaving me with our 2 1/2 year old daughter. After he walked out on us we continue sleeping together. This guy who was supposed to be my husband left me for someone else. He divorced me in 2012 and it’s still with this woman. He actually married her in 2014 and as sick as a sound him and I are still sleeping together. I’m traumatized by my life and how I ended up here today stuck not being able to move forward. No one knows were sleeping together only my child hood friend. The questions I keep asking myself it’s why?? If he left me for her, has degrated me in all ways possible with this other woman why does he still continues to look for me in this twisted way? It’s been 6 1/2 years we been broken up he moved on married her and yet I’m allowing myself to be degrated by sleeping with him. I’m desperate not knowing if this will ever stop. My mind continues to think on ways to stop it and when I get ready to do it he comes and takes me like That! I feel like I’m stuck in a psychological way that I won’t be able to be happy again. I’m only 39 very attractive and only one child whose my life and yet I cannot beat this toxic situation.

      1. Kim Saeed

        I know how you feel, Lisa. I wish there were something I could say to make you feel better, but only time heals us. I do think healing can be achieved faster using guided meditations and aromatherapy, along with some serious self-pampering. Best wishes for you. Feel free to reach out anytime…

      2. Hi Lisa,
        How long has it been? Some people take years to recover from narcissistic abuse. I encourage you to read more of Let Me Reach by Kim Saaed. And stay tuned to Happiness Weekly in October for my mini post series about it which hopefully you find insightful.
        Don’t let the experience break you (that’s what they want) – listen to your soul – work out a way to let the experience make you and go for it! Do what you need to do. I encourage victims to educate others where possible because a healthy mind finds it very difficult to understand why a narcissist would do the things they do. In my post series, I talk about what a narcissist is, the typical rise and fall of a relationship with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, symptoms of a victim, how to recover and life through a narcissists eyes – which helps understand why they are the way they are. It’s like their karma was delivered before they hurt us.
        Read up about it as much as you can to educate yourself going forward and please contact me if you need any support. In the meantime, ensure there is no contact (or as little as possible if children and assets are involved) with the narcissist. Also, if you’re on Facebook, I recommend Light Love and Laughter after Narcissistic Abuse. It’ll strengthen you. Narcissistic Abuse IS soul shattering, but if we’re fortunate enough to survive it, the experience can be used to better us.
        Hang in there, and you’re welcome to email me any time on: I’m on holidays – which is why I’m taking a break from Happiness Weekly, but I will get back to you.
        Best wishes,

      3. OOPS!!! Sorry Kim, I didn’t read that notification and thought she was replying to my forward post to that blog on HW.
        Please delete my reply comment (or alter it without mention of Happiness Weekly if you like) – MASSIVE apology!! I honestly didn’t mean to make it look like I was advertising on your site – won’t happen again!!! *cringe*

  38. Reblogged this on Happiness Weekly and commented:
    This is an absolutely fantastic blog, far too good not to share and well worth the read. It describing narcissistic abuse and how it creeps up on you and leaves you dizzy. Well done Kim Saeed at “Let Me Reach”! Stay tuned to find out more about Narcissism at Happiness Weekly in coming weeks.

  39. Healing

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, Kim…another post that is so timely and I simply must send you my thanks for. Just yesterday, after picking up our baby for a visit, he left but then immediately texted me with “You are so hot!” I texted back, “Thank you. Are you trying to rekindle with me?” Of course, there was no response. I did this as a subtle, non-antagonistic way of holding him accountable for his flirting (which he often does). I also did not want to compliment him back so he can get his fix off of me. (By the way, he is “committed” to a new woman which has been rubbed in my face yet he still flirts with me.) As you say, he doesn’t want a relationship with me but he wants to do what he wants, when he wants, with no accountability. Mommy don’t play that. 🙂

    1. Kim Saeed

      Healing, are we talking about the same guy? Ha ha…mine used to do the same exact thing, though I’ve remarried. He used to also try to tease me about his new girlfriend until he realized I didn’t care one way or the other. My only response what that I felt sorry for her for what was to come.

      The only reason I’ve had any relief is because I finally had to get a restraining order due to his stalking me and showing up to my apartment while I was home alone…not because he wanted me, of course, but for the reasons I listed in my post…I am simply viewed as property.

      I’m sure the new girls don’t know they are flirting with us behind their backs, either!

      1. Shanan

        Dear Kim Saeed,
        What you have written is so exact. I do attract narcissistic people. I was raised by a family of people that fit the description. My first marriage I was conditioned to please the unpleaseable. I had sunk into a grey despair, isolated, confused in a spotless home. He came in to tell a great story… The first telling was fascinating by this time it was not and I looked at him blindly …he threw a tantrum. I have felt the bond caused by trauma. However I found my own interests. To illustrate the mind boggling weirdness… After 3 years living apart and still married he supported me… Was it just in case he was alone? He called no matter what time to rant. I told him I filed for divorce. He was enraged… Odd?
        I have fallen hopefully for the nice guy trick now. This trick is the ultimate trap. In fact he isn’t nice… He isn’t what he was at all. I’m very disgusted with him. He beat me badly. I’m in a bad state I have pneumonia. It won’t get better. I’m scared that it is cancer. I’m not a smoker but an artist who worked with the community in a studio. It’s hazardous work. If I have lung cancer I won’t last to long. I’m dependent on my nasty beast. I’m honest with him but he holds on. I’m weaker but trying to be as healthy as possible just to get away from him. His behavior is ridiculous.
        I looked up ” what to do if you are NOT attracted to your narcissist ”
        But all I found was help for women to escape the emotional trauma. I don’t want to be attracted. But was looking for advice. So many women must be tangled up in the havoc and don’t like him anymore but can’t leave… From kids, business, financial resources and illness. Please inform me of the best thing to do. (I don’t want to die in our hospital it’s dirty) also I have a kind dog and a sweet parrot… It hurts not knowing what will happen to them.
        Young woman, dog and bird.

      2. Dia

        Wow, the more I read up on narcissism the more I wonder if my narc dated all of you lol. Amazing how they’re all alike.

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