how to get over a narcissist

FAQ Friday – What is a Narcissist Thinking When They Discard You?

By the time the Narcissist begins to discard you, the gig is pretty much up.  Your only role at this point is a spot in the queue of supply – they’ve already found new supply, and you are considered a loose end.  However, because you might still offer some type of benefit to the Narcissist, it’s possible that they will discard you and then come back around later in order to exploit you some more.  I’ve heard of their coming back around after 2-3 years, wheedling their way in to gain some type of financial advantage, and then immediately dumping their unsuspecting victim.


This is a very painful experience for the person being discarded.  By this point, you feel unloved, unattractive, and unworthy.  If you have been discarded by a Narcissist, it’s crucial to understand that they groomed you to feel this way because they knew from the beginning that the relationship wouldn’t last, and they must make you feel at fault.  One of the primary goals of the Narcissist is – Accept No Accountability.

I know it feels real.  You subconsciously view the Narcissist as some sort of demi-god as they sit way up on a pedestal, while you are underneath them, “crawling around in the dirt”.  But, that’s only an illusion.  The Narcissist used very specific techniques of psychological conditioning to create and foster this belief in your psyche.

Even when you were sure they were your soul mate, they had dirty deeds on their mind.  Of course, to the Narcissist, they don’t see their motives and actions as anything less than necessary.  They don’t stop to consider whether what they are doing is hurtful.  Everything they do and say is to protect their ego and their livelihood.  That’s why the Narcissist’s partners (and friends, family, children) are called “Sources of Supply”.  Ultimately, that’s all we are to them.

What About Me?

Now that you understand the Narcissist’s thoughts during the Discard Phase, let’s talk about yours.

Narcissists strategically target and violate your Inner Child.  Some of you may not even realize you have an Inner Child, but we all do.  And we have stages of arrested development that we’ve carried around in our subconscious minds from hurts we experienced as babies, children, and young adults.  These events may have happened in the home, in school, in Church, or even from our friends (possibly a combination of all of those things).

Because of this, we often react to people and situations out of the pain our Inner Child is suffering.  Regarding a relationship with a Narcissist, have you ever noticed that in addition to so-called “romance”, there is the flavor of a parent-child relationship?  You must do as they say or you get punished when you don’t?

Do you often feel desperate, helpless, scared, angry, lonely, or even suicidal?  That could be your 6-yr old acting out.  Do you keep attracting the same kind of toxic partners in your romantic relationships? That might be your 15-yr old self, who hasn’t matured in that area.

The blowout from Narcissistic Napalm includes many conditions (PTSD, C-PTSD, Trauma Bonding, etc.), but healing your Inner Child is a wonderful step in your path to recovery.  If you start the process of healing your Inner Child, you will find that many of your other symptoms will fall away.


**If you’re interested in some quick resources on healing your Inner Child, click here.  









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  1. Simone

    My partner discarded me for being sick and not able to participate in outdoor activities. Before dumping me, he disappeared for a week and told he needed time alone (probably with new supply). Later he contacted me again and invited to do some things together. I refused, as I was sick with flue and did not feel so well. He still persuaded me to do things. I refused and he ended relations in 15 minutes. Then blocked me from all contacts. I was in complete shock and was lucky to find info on internet about narcissistic personality disorder. Only late I realised I was abused all the time, but in very subtle and professional manner. Eg. bearing in mind I am quite mature, he spoke about having children together. I am unemployed at the moment, he always mentioned he only values individuals with well paid jobs and etc. He cancelled dates on regular basis and ignored Valentines Day completely. Main purpose of those relations was to intimidate and humiliate me.
    Every time I meet him on street he never says me hello. Nor even do me. Lucky me relations lasted for short and he let me go.

  2. Hello I just realized I was dating around with a narc, I say dating around because he was married, I was trying to break things off with him and he would not , he has a key to my house and he has some very expensive tires in my basement. I sent him a text message about 3weeks ago expressing my dislike for our relationship and said he was evil and was a bit narcissist, he refused to speak with me and stopped answering my calls and text in my attempt to gain closure , we have been friends for over 15 years just hooking up sometimes,then last year we tried to have an exclusive relationship even with me knowing he was married. Well the fun stopped and I was trying to break it off.Now he will not return my key which is of no great factor, nor will he get his tires and shared with a family member he was not going to give the key back. Somedays I am strong and some days I am overwhelmed with stupidity. I fail to stay on the No Contact rule which makes me feel worst, I havevleft messages vmail and emails, only to feel foolish. I so need to get past this for many reasons. I love reading the post and it helps me gain clairity , and I am almost certain my closure will come from within myself. PLease I am open for any input that may help me find my inner child

  3. Jennifer

    Honestly, I just broke down in tears again. I’d pause, read more then cry. I’m grateful to have found your article! You’re brilliant!

  4. DJKevy

    I met up with an old school friend about 2 yrs ago and we went out doing stuff together and ended up sleeping with each other as well over this 2 yr period.
    We had weekends away and when I made comments about stuff that she liked and I didnt she would just get funny and go silent on me for a while.
    She said once how she liked a particular film and i said it was rubbish and the next day she said to me, that me saying that upset her. Im thinking what, thats just my view, we dont all have to like the same things in life.
    I also got on one occasion that she said I made her unhappy, to which I said then what on earth are you doing here with me.
    We had a weekend in London and lost our way so i suggested we ask someone and she got all defensive and funny and said no in an abrupt manner.
    Last June for her birthday I bought her a £50 voucher to which she gave me back at xmas time, to which I felt a bit hurt by as it felt it was being chucked back in my face, even though she said she hadnt done it to upset me.

    We have talked on facebook a lot just about general stuff but sometimes I got the feeling she wouldn’t really want to talk to me anymore and I would feel I had done something wrong.
    She was supposed to have come and seen me on holiday for one day but never turned up and never even had a text to say she wasn’t coming, and never heard from her at all that week. When I asked her about it she said she hadnt been well that week and her phone was off for some peace, however which I beg to differ as she has two boys aged 18 and 16. Even though she told one of my work colleagues she wasn’t coming to see me and told my parents several months after that she didnt turn up as she only had one day off. So there was 3 different stories or lies in other words!

    I got angry and upset when I was asking her stuff on facebook ,she would avoid my questions, so deleted her as I felt it was being a one sided friendship. The final facebook message I sent was, I cant be doing with being messed about and I need to move on with my life and wished her good luck for the future and hope one day we can have a friendship back.

    The next day I had a text from her saying ” Thanks”. I said to her we need to talk to which she agreed and I said I didn’t want to fall out with her but she said if I didn’t why did I delete her on facebook, to which I said I need time to sort my head out and she said I if I wanted more I should have had the guts to have said etc etc and the trouble with me is I didn’t do anything when it was right there in my face, to which I disagree as to me she had been blowing hot and cold all the time.
    Afterwards when I did try to arrange a meeting to talk I would always get “Im busy”.
    I left her with a final text saying, How I felt about her was eating me up inside and that I wanted her in my life and that deleteing her off of facebook made me upset and tearey eyed so must show something of how I felt towards her.

    Update approx 8 months on. She sent me a birthday card with a gift voucher which she sent 2 weeks late and said she came looking for me to let me have it, Mmm yeh Im sure you did! We have hardly spoke to each other, we’re still not friends on facebook either. I can assume that is the finish of it all.
    I suppose at the start of it when we we’re just friends she told me that she treated guys like c**p and that all she wants is sex and none of the emotional stuff.
    I also found that I can only assume she made up stories, as once she said she was in hospital to which I said you should of said and I would have come and saw you and she was shocked by that answer and said, Really u would have come and seen me. I never did find out if she was in there and never told me.
    It is hard to let go of someone you care for but when I look back at things maybe it is for the best just to let go.
    I have sent her the very odd message on facebook to which she does reply but after the first reply at the end of it she always puts “take care”, its like she just wants to get rid of me.
    Im not sure if she is just emotionally unavailable or a narcissist but I think she will end up a very sad and lonely person.
    UPDATE Well its nearly been a year since we fell out and have hardly spoke and when I do send her a message out of the blue she replies and when I return her message I don’t hear from her again.
    My sister and friends have told me to stop wasting anymore time of her

  5. Can Narcissists be very affectionate? Im having a hard time figuring out if my ex was a narcissist or just a hot then cold jerk. Sometimes I dont know if I was the Narc and then the tables turned somehow? I only say that b/c there was many times I tried to end the relationship b/c things just didnt feel right but I would always find myself back in his arms and ignoring any problems or just hoping they would go away.Our relationship had many problems and ultimately didnt work out b/c we are very different people with different lifestyles. I was very much in love with him and there was a side of him that was very loving and affectionate but he also didnt respect me in the way i needed and would withhold affection especially by the end of the relationship (although had no problems still sleeping with me) He also always had a lot of female friends which I was never completely comfortable with but couldnt do much about. I def think Im more of a codependant though… i dont know. But this whole thing has left me and my life in a such a mess. Im only 31 but feel much older and feel like I have to start my life completely over again. The relationship has been over for a very long time, i know he completely moved on but I just feel like I had been deceived.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Mya, it’s a little hard to say having just a brief recap of your relationship. However, what I can say is that you seem to be experiencing many symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome, which is a good indicator that your Ex may very well be a narcissist. I would recommend finding a therapist that specializes in emotional trauma and also do some self-care activities on a daily basis. Wishing you all the very best!

    2. Tina

      Definitely sounds like a narc to me. I have the same feelings after two year relationship (married one year) with a narc. They make you feel used up, etc. Mine liked to have female “friends” too. The strange thing is, those female “friends” would really care about him, seemingly. Luckily I got the jerk to pay alimony, which he actually tried to squirm out of.

  6. DC

    I’m trying to understand something I’ve been reading about relationships with narcissists.

    Every relationship has phases: the honeymoon phase, the middle, the beginning of the end, the end. And some people, especially the ones who end the relationship, are more quick to move on because, like you said, it had been over in their head for a little while.

    What’s the difference between a relationship cycle with a narcissist and one without one? All the articles I read seem to be written by upset women understandably trying to make sense of a rocky breakup and an unhealthy relationship.

    Being in the same situation as you, I’d love to buy into this, but I’m concerned it’s just me trying to paint a picture to make myself feel better.

  7. Confused and shocked

    Hi Kim,

    I believe I was in a whirlwind relationship for almost 4 months with a very narcissistic female who was 29. We hit it off very well very fast and she seemed way too good to be true as she is very attractive, seemed successful and was very affectionate and complimentary. She would constantly say how much we were alike and were in such great places with our careers, even called us a power couple at one point which made me cringe as I am happy to be successful but don’t base my image or person on things like that. I quickly started to see red flags but over looked them such as never paying for anything, highly materialistic, trying to change how I dressed, always dressed very provocatively when we went out or even lounging at home, sending me nude pics after a month, saying insecure things, wanting to start a company to be rich and quit her job, and was very awkward when meeting my family and when I met hers. I looked past these at the time since her father had died in her late teens so I wasn’t sure if she just had weird quirks. She seemed to love spending time just her and I and when we were together it seemed very romantic and like I met the one and my best friend. Fast forward to just over 3 months in and I was screwed over at work which is for a large corporation and demoted from manager back to sales rep. This was a very tough time for me to deal with and in my opinion became the catalyst to her discarding me. She started to become distant and didn’t empathize with me at all or try to cheer me up. The funny thing was my pay was staying the same and only my status was dropping. The irony is she was very stressed with trying to start her company so I bought her a card to cheer her up during this time and wrote her a note and gift card but she opened it barely read it and then just set it down without saying anything and just looking empty and lost. Two weeks after my demotion she sends me a text to break up and says we are in 2 different stages of our careers and that I don’t care about mine at all. She also freaked out saying i hadn’t contacted her in 24 hours and that I didn’t care about her. I was very hurt and taken by surprise and felt like I did something wrong to drive her away. She ended up texting me a few days later saying she misses me and wanted to call me. We spoke on the phone and she gave me very immature and strange reasoning for breaking up some of which she herself was guilty of and not me. Behaviors like not working hard and leaving early, things as a sales rep she did all of the time. Long story short she said she would call me that weekend because she wanted to see me and would let me know which day but never called. I haven’t heard from her since and it’s been 10 weeks no contact. I am so baffled as to what happened and continually blame myself for being needy or not good enough. I honestly don’t know how someone can go from your biggest fan, lover and friend to completely getting rid of you and not looking back. I know the relationship was short, but the intensity and “connection” has me in shock til this day. All I can think is that she is happy and in love with someone else and I am wasting time going crazy over her.

  8. SeMe

    Hi Kim,

    Its really hard to read this and see myself in every step you describe. Im not a macho or sexist guy, but I always thought I was a strong person who had a good grasp on “good” or bad” people.

    I met my N some 30 years ago, we both grew up poor, in inner city in the east coast. She was my first love at 16 and then we moved away and I never forgot her. Time went by and our lives took different paths. I raised a family as did she. We met about 2 years ago and were both coming from difficult break ups. At first it was the ideal relationship and we began to make plans. I did not think that everything was too soon because I have known her all my life and though we were not the kids we were so many years ago, we both liked the adults we now were and felt that our intense love was justified. She made me feel so alive and so love..made me feel like life was this wonderful place where I can be happy again and lived every second like it mattered. I was the greatest thing and understood everything and she praised me on how a great listener I was and enjoyed deep intellectual conversations with her about all subjects. I confided everything and all my childhood traumas and the things i over came.

    As you probably already know this ended abruptly and she began to take things away and at times she gave me the silent treatment even though I had confided in her that when young my parents would punish me by not speaking to me for months and when in foster care i experienced silence and hunger..this became her favorite weapon. soon the yelling and insults and degrading of me. Before I knew it, I was a worm crawling around the floor apologizing and looking for ways to please her.

    I will not bore you for I know youve heard it all before, needless to say, she dumped me like a cheap suit. and of course its all my fault. I know that she will not be back and I should feel lucky. But I dont, I just feel lonely and very stupid. I really dont tell anybody because I know in my culture Ill just be laughed at out of the room. I also feel this huge sense of shame. I use to think she felt bad, but it doesnt look like she does. I really dont know why I type this except that maybe if some dumb sap like me reads this realizes that if its too good to be true, than its not true. run for the hills.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing your experience, SeMe. I, too, hope that someone else may see it and take your advice.

      By the way, you’re not a dumb sap. I know there is someone out there who will love you for your very beautiful heart and not take advantage of you.

  9. Joe

    Hi.. My heart goes out to each of you band reading your stories helps me cope with my feelings. For some reason there is a part of me which still feels what if what he said to me last is genuine. Its been 2 yrs in a long distance relationship and he treated me very well most of the times. Yes we had our fights and yes our making up was more of him pushing the blame on me and me buckling down. Ours was a long distance and I felt like a princess! The way he cared for me looked after me and even tolerated some of my tantrums. I felt like a child who could leave being an adult. Even now thinking back makes me feel goosebumpy. We both knew we cldnt make it work long term. When we started out I wasn’t aware of his condition as narcissism but he always told me he is crazy. He would call himself that. He is going through a legal battle for custody for his child. He has another child from a previous marriage. Both his wives cheated on him and he found out. He has mommy issues and in fact because his first wife abandoned his son and left town with her boyfriend he fought tooth n nail for custody and branded her a bad mother. I understand all this a lot better after reading up this much on narcissism. Coming back to me he just stopped talking to me one day. N the same happened to me with my previous ex of 6 yrs. With the current guy,he told me bout his condition. He used to discuss everything with me including his immediate tghts of harming himself or negative tghta towards others harming his family. And I would help him calm down. He has had many emotional moments with me about losing his second child to the second wife who happens to be schizophrenic – I have seen the clinical reports etc. I have stayed in his house during visits spent time with his family and friends. Done trips together. One month he was distant saying legal matter paper work etc and when I said I feel insecure he made up and gave me time. One weekend I told him I was irritated caus I didn’t hear from him full night and the next evening which was very late he said he had a late night. Just because I said I am irritated he snapped saying he doesn’t wish to be in touch with me. I tght these are tantrums so reached out,no response. Gave him am entire day reached out again saying let’s resolve. No response. Then tried to lay down boundaries saying its disrespectful to read and not reply to my texts and asked if this is a break up. He said I have a lot to deal with right now, I need my time. Gave him a 4 days and asked if he is OK and he said don’t worry I know how to take care of myself.

  10. Pingback: What is a Narcissist Thinking When They Discard You? | Live Simply & Be Happy

  11. Joanne

    I just came across this site of course by googling about narcissists.. but thank God I found it!!!! I was married to a narc for 16 years, going through a divorce for 2 1/2 years and it JUST WONT END. He is living with another woman and has completely turned his back on his two children. Nothing was his fault, I was accused of infidelity, he told all the neighbors I was a whore, meanwhile he was ordered to leave the house because he was so abusive. in every way. And you would think I would have learned from this experience.
    Now, as ALL this is going on.. I have done it yet again. I went online and met yet another one!!! Now I feel frozen, physically sick, and feel like I am just never going to find happiness.. ever. My self esteem is shot and I feel like such a fool. This new guy made it clear he only wanted sex. I tried to change that. I didn’t know why he only wanted sex but it turned out he was in a relationship. so there you go. How naive am I.. Then I figured he must be unhappy with her to be on a dating site. For me it was an intense attraction, even just from his pictures. Even more so than my ex husband. Of course it didn’t work. He has spent the last year stringing me along, contacting me, then ignoring me, sexting me and then throwing in some personal stuff to keep me hooked i guess. I am sure he only sees me as pathetic and desperate. He contacted me about a week ago, I didn’t want to answer, but I did. Talked for a few days hot and heavy..then nothing. I texted him Friday, he responded with a rude Ok???? and then completely changed the subject. When I found out during the year that he had a live in girlfriend, it wasn’t because he told me, he was making me feel crazy and i searched for him. There he was, “in a relationship”. Why I couldn’t have stopped it then, I don’t know. I did confront him though and he denied it. Didn’t hear anything after that for 10 weeks and was SO UPSET. But, just as I was starting to feel better..he contacts me. He is movie star handsome and knows it. After I started No-Contact the last time after we were together he actually posted a pic of him and his girlfriend on his Facebook. I sensed he did that to see if he could get me to react, but I didn’t.
    Three days later he contacted me. And then, I guess once he was sure I was still “there” I was dropped again. IT’s so exhausting and painful and embarrassing!!! I know I’m being used and it’s so degrading. After he was rude and then changed the subject I sensed he was with his girlfriend and i never wrote back. I don’t want his contact.. but I do. Hate this!! And hate myself for being attracted to these men over and over.. even after a nightmare marriage and divorce. All I do is obsess why I wasn’t good enough for this man. Meanwhile he is cheating on his girlfriend and i should just feel bad for her. Thank goodness these blogs make me feel like I’m not the only one going through this. It’s the only thing thats helping me stay strong. I just pray one day that I can open my heart up again to something that is healthy. Right now just paralyzed with fear that this will keep happening to me. Thank you.

  12. Ret

    Kim, I don’t know what I would do without your blog. It gives me insight on the what and the why. The PTSD is so real. I wish I could go no contact but we have children together. Unfortunately, I’m seeing some of his behavior in my oldest daughter. She’s young so I’m hoping I see changes as she matures throughout teen hood. It seems anxiety and depression are somewhat intertwined in this disorder? I see it in both of them. Along with a measure of social anxiety. Can you offer some information to this fact? Thank you!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Ret, thank you so much for reading my blog and for reaching out. I’d love to offer you some suggestions regarding co-parenting and steps you could take regarding your children’s well-being. If you can, you are free to email me at and share some of the details of your co-parenting situation.

  13. Mary

    Please watch out like a hawk for anyone who you meet online who asks you for money. No matter how sad the story, the answer is “NO”. There are people called catfish who eke out a living doing just exactly this! They fake photos and identities.

  14. Sonia

    I divorced my passive aggressive narcissist three years ago. We had a settlement agreement and two sons. I spent 9 years trying to divorce him but couldn’t sell all the four properties we had in common at the same time especially during the financial crisis of 2009-2012. Although our divorce became final in 2011, he failed to move out in 2012. My mother died in 2011 and I had so much on my plate including getting the first one off to college and saving the properties from financial collapse that I agreed to let him off child and spousal support as long as I had the rents. However, with the rents I paid all the property and family expenses, and it wasn’t really my income. In 2013 we finally sold the family home, and he manipulated me into moving into one of our properties with tenants because he had no credit and couldn’t rent a place. I rented a house for my two sons and myself. After the sale and physical separation he still did not support our sons. So, I asked him to abide by the 50% support requirement in the agreement and he said he would think about it.
    I write today because I have finally finished with all the loose ends and feel not only drained and emotionally debilitated but so unloved and discarded and deeply traumatized. This relationship robbed me of 25 years of my life. I was left not knowing who I am and questioning my worth, competence and ability despite having two graduate degrees and being multilingual. The rational mind tells me that this is one sick guy but my emotional self feels wounded, used and abused.
    I was abused emotionally, psychologically and financially by this very smart, and polished lawyer. He was always claiming victimhood and I was shocked when I discovered that he was involved with his old high school sweetheart while trying to prolong both the divorce and the physical separation. It was until last year, in 2014, that I experienced his true nature. While trying to finally separate the remaining three properties under the terms of our judgment and MSA (agreement), he moved rather viciously to withhold the proceeds of the sale and blocking the sale of all the units. As a result of all the stress I endured (as he was also financially irresponsible, and an addicted spender), I became ill and was unable to walk. The moment he realized I was sick, he served me with a four page demand letter and proceeded to take me to court to invalidate both the judgment and the agreement. We subsequently engaged in expensive litigation and he hired five different attorneys as he knew his arguments wouldn’t stand in court. At first the doctors thought I had cancer, but luckily I was found not to in July, but was very sick. That didn’t matter to this psychopath who continued to do so much harm that he didn’t care and probably hoped that I would either drop dead or commit suicide.
    He demonstrated he cared of no-one, especially his kids. He caused great financial and emotional distress. He sought to get me thrown out of one of the properties I occupied that we had agreed I would buy out from him. He didn’t care if my son lived with me. He was ruthless, lied about everything and utilized his legal knowledge to create reams of legal paper, including motions that were scurrilous. Yet I found myself at a disadvantage and realized that in the divorce process, the one with the deepest pockets wins. My ex- entrusted $300k to one of SF’s most corrupt lawyers who lied to the judge, the settlement master and in the end, his war of attrition only caused us to be left with little reserves to educate our sons. Although he settled in the end and we pretty much ended up where we started, I lost so much money that now I will have to work until 75. In the end, about $500k went to lawyers.
    What I realized is that when I could have made my escape and divorced him I didn’t. He acted helpless to the point that the kids worried about him and asked me not to leave him while he was plotting the entire time how to literally leave me with nothing. He discarded me the moment he had another woman with whom he could use against me.
    I couldn’t believe the depth of his actions and couldn’t believe he could do this to his family and the mother of his sons, especially since I had built all the equity in the homes. I realized that I never mattered, the family didn’t matter and the kids didn’t matter. It was all about greed.
    In looking back I questioned why I felt I needed to be reasonable and find a mutually agreeable solution to the end of our marriage. Instead of talking to him in 2006 and discuss how we could end it without hurting the kids, I should have been wiser of what he had done in the past, and unceremoniously filed for divorce from a position of strength. Unquestionably, the only way to deal with this very pernicious, manipulative and intelligent users is to cut everything at once and I should have done surgery and cut all ties immediately in 2006. I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to harm him or have my sons experience a bitter and dysfunctional divorce. But all I achieved was to provide my ex with time and resources to leave me in the state I am today.
    I am grateful to be able to share my story, to feel validated for the pain I suffered and to understand that the best thing is to have this monster far and far away from me. I am now trying to pick up the pieces, make myself whole and find renewed strength, vitality and wisdom.

  15. kkdancer2014

    What if the Narcissist is your dad, and they discarded you at 17? Mine discarded my brother at 17 too, but still kept him around occasionally to make himself look good. But by the time I turned 17/18, my dad had lost all of his money (gambling? I’m still not sure), so there was no “front” to keep. I had lost my purpose (except for him to tell others how “crazy” I was so he could gain sympathy). He even found a random, younger teenager to “mentor” and ended up calling her my nickname, and having her live at our apartment (tried to talk me into letting her sleep in my room) all very sick, I realize.

    Is this the usual pattern for the N father?

    1. Kim Saeed

      kkdancer, I am very sorry to know about your experience with your dad. Have you checked out any sites for ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists)? I wish I knew more about Narcissistic parents, but I feel better leaving that topic to the experts. Here are some sites you might want to check out:

      Best wishes for your journey of healing.

      Hugs ~ Kim

  16. kkdancer2014

    What if the Narcissist is your dad, and they discarded you at 17? Mine discarded my brother at 17 too, but still kept him around occasionally to make himself look good. But by the time I turned 17/18, my dad had lost all of his money (gambling? I’m still not sure), so there was no “front” to keep. I had lost my purpose (except for him to tell others how “crazy” I was so he could gain sympathy). He even found a random, younger teenager to “mentor” and ended up calling her my nickname- all very sick, I realize.

    Is the usual pattern for the N father?

  17. Jim

    Left mine and got the immediate cold shoulder like I never mattered and it did confuse and hurt me but I read a lot about this online and anticipated it. What I thought would happen really as she giving me space and then trying to contact me again later on down the road once I had cooled off. Never happened.

    What did happen was a week of silence and then unrelenting prank calls for months, this I did not see coming. I did not respond or try and get back as I considered it an act of desperation on her part and very immature. Calls kept coming and this ended up making me feel stressed and a little guilty. The silent calls lasted longer than the relationship did….Crazy?

    What I would like to know is why act so tough/strong/cold to go away once I said it was finally over only to prank call endlessly? Doesnt this show that she was hurt instead of hiding it? The good in this is I never showed any emotions through all of this. Never showed that it bothered me or was getting to me and am curious as to if this bothered or more that I wasn’t irked or lashing back. I tried really hard to basically walk away (gave her closure via email) without any way of coming back and not showing I still cared. I am assuming she feels I am indifferent toward her the same way she tried to show me she was at the end, and this was eating at her ego. You couldn’t pay me any amount of money to meet up with her or one of her family/friends for closure.

    I am just happy that I made it through without losing my mind. Never had someone lie, exaggerate and be so deceptive toward me before. I am stronger now because of it and not so quick to assume the next person I invest in is who they say they are.

    Any insight into this would be greatly appreciated

  18. jjmary

    I just read the earlier post by Mary Lee Morgan, an it was full of wonderful insights and helpful adivce….thanks you Mary Lee, and I will try to reread it often as I walk through these early stages of relvelation and despair. How amazing, that the power of the narcissist whether 4 month or over a long marriage , can
    be so toxic….

  19. jjmary

    This is my first post, so please be patient!
    I am very very weak at the NC part – we have a 4 month on-line relationship, started through an old high school website….he pursued (based I think on the nice 25 yr. old photo I posted- everyone was asked to do that for fun)…..and came on very sexy and charm-galore….there were many red flags…i.e. he right off said was on disability for OCD, also ex-alcoholic….he also lists his job on facebook as “freelance gynecologist”…..but he had grown up 1 mile from me! and.came across also so sad, saidhe was a 5 yr. ex-alcoholic, lonely, only dogs to love – well, after 2 weeks I lost my common sense (backstory- my Dad was a womanizer/drinker)and we were professing once in a lifetime love- all over the internet…then…big drama- he had been robbed , was about to be homeless and yes, I sent money…never having met him! He was clever, never asked, but reluctantly (ha) accepted my offer. After he received the 2 months rent (call me a moron please), no word from him for several days..then some weird excuse about a sick relative. Well, since then ( we live several states apart), I do bring up the question of getting together- he is always willing, but seems like it will be all up to me to make it happen ….and I am not that insane YET- one thing I have promised myself is that I will not meet this man and likely sleep with him until he shows more desire, caring and interest in who I am…since then, it is the back and forth….more silence than communication…no more adoring luv talk and flirting,..yet an unprdictable message- “luv ya-talk tomorrow”- but tomorrow is any day in the future to him. I got up my courage, and sent a serious letter 2 weeks ago- very determined- main thing I said was- you are never communicating for more than 5 minutes 2/3 times a week with me- this is not how love is or how 2 people who want to get closer usually act!…..Of course, than I was punished with 1 week of Silent treatment- and my addiction kicked in- sent texts, e-mails, chat message…oh, his phone (he says) usually doesn’t work……I felt ready to kill myself the pain was so intense……..then 2 days ago I get a phone call, he was all crying his dog needed surgery- so expensive…and yes, I sent some money! Dog dies the day after surgery and I did get a quick note that he is going to adopt as soon as possible. Now I am wondering if everything could be a lie? I mean I know he had a dog- but what if the dog never had surgery, just died, and it was another con for money (and probably not just from me). Friends, how do we get the self-control to go NC ???? I am in therapy and she tells me I must do that same NC…..but something about that early love-bombing stage (lasted maybe 2 weeks) with alot of sexual inuendos that I had never experienced before must have been like my 2 shots of heroin that made me an addict. The final thing (and forgive all this venting) is all I ever asked was to talk or be in contact with him often, whereas he could go days and never seem to miss me…..and I did all I could to be wonderful- money, gifts, understanding, listening to him talk about how he love Howard Stern and Hugh Heffner because they are great business men and SO misunderstood by people who think they are only about dirty talk and naked women- whoops, sign he may have a sex addiction as well?) Any advice—-I always backslide… is on my mind day and nite- I have lost 10 pounds….God help me! If I get even a 7 word sentence from him on “chat,” the rush for more overwhelms….he truly either doesn’t care or cannnot understand my pain- I have tried many times to explain. Thank u for listening! I am neglecting all else in my life . And am depending more and more on anti-anxiety meds.. I had already been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.

    1. SuckerForLove

      @jjmary – my story is nearly identical to yours, the only exception being I’m a guy and she lives only a few miles way. I think you nailed it on the head when you said “then…big drama” because that’s EXACTLY what happens and creates these ‘extenuating circumstances’ that they use–and then we use–to rationalize their behavior. It’s like they use our own compassion against us! Everything you said about the lack of communication and all you wanted was communication and how he would just go silent for days at a time without so much as an explanation when they finally do get in touch (usually with some flirty text like “hey you…” or “hey babe whatcha doin? *wink, kisses, heart emoji, etc*….pure evil they are!)—all of that was spot on! Good grief. Do they all take the same Narcissist 101 class? I mean, i know each one is different, are they really? Because mine was textbook Narc—so much so that I still question whether she is one or just a ‘lost soul’ deserving of my unconditional love… *sigh* FML

  20. abi

    Argh predictive text! He never said I was his sulfate! Soulmate!

    1. Kim Saeed

      No worries! Ha ha 🙂 It was kind of cute, anyway!

  21. abi

    Less than a week ago, my husband began chasing after a woman he has wanted for two years. I have gone through every emotion; desperation, anger, suicidal thoughts, curling up in a ball and sobbing until I feel I could die.. a week ago he was telling me I never have to worry about other women and that I’m his sulfate, and how he loves and needs me forever and how he cannot do without me…… And now for the past four days absolute silence from him. I have tried to get a response, text, call, email, in person, but nothing except him threatening me that ID better not come home because its war, as I accidentally woke him up despite him going out of his way to wake me the night before. He threatened to keep me awake all night when I have a 12 hour shift. Ive turned into a nervous wreck, insecure, paranoid and on the verge of tears all the time. And of course everything is my fault.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Abi, I’m sorry you are experiencing this. Have you thought about next steps?

  22. Pingback: Who are you and what are you doing here? | Rehashbrowns

  23. Diana


    Great blog with very helpful advice! Thank you!

    I do have a question on the over-valuation/devalue/discard cycle with a Narcissist. Mine pedestaled, then suddenly discarded me (virtually no noticeable devalue-phase). Now he is back with his wife whom he discarded three years ago before they separated. Do Narcs ever actually seriously re-pedestal their targets??

    Over the course of well over two years with me, I know there was significant devaluation going on in his mind, so I can’t believe that he has convinced himself beyond a doubt that she is worthy of him again. I know Narcs tend to go back to old supply, but does he himself really believe that she is “all that” (and then some!) again in order to even be credible and convincing in his advances? Seems to me like he is setting both of them up for disappointment right from the start…

    Once again, thanks for all your great work!

  24. Katie

    Wow this is absolutely spot on. I am going through the discard stage right now (last night actually) and I had what I like to call another ‘episode.’ – I go into a huge panic attack and become extremely desperate, and yes even suicidal. I am surprised I am able to write this now. I can’t even put into words the way the Narccissist has treated me and made me feel. Complete confusion as nothing he says makes sense. He broke up with me for things HE does. My first reaction was to try and get him back as I was completely devastated and surprised (we had a good weekend before this). After sleeping on it however I have woken up furious and disgusted by him for treating me this way for no reason. I hope I can hang on to these feelings!
    Thank you so much for posting this, reading likeminded people that understand is truly the only thing keeping me going.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Katie, it’s normal to go back and forth between feeling angry/disgusted/depressed/panicked. Really, the best thing for you would be to go No Contact and completely sever the ties with this person. It’s easier said than done, but it’s truly the only hope you have for ever healing and being happy again.

  25. Anonymous

    I just broke up with my boyfriend (narcissist) who showed no emotions on the phone. I put everything on me, and said I needed to figure out who I was and feel independent reinforcing that it is me not him…to which he replied:”maybe you would feel more free if you start to reimburse me for all the things I have done for you”….i let it go and he just said when I get things and myself together I can call him back in weeks or months, it was unreal as we have been together for 2 years….
    I am very scared as I do not have a reliable job and am a mom of a 9 years old…what am I going to do? I just have very little child support and i am panicking. I am living in a house that my boyfriend (ex) helped pay the house but now I have to be out by the 31st. I am very scared and I am not sure what is going to happen…and I am thinking how am I going to survive. I cannot believe I had the courage to break up with him but there was no emotions, nothing…it was so strange. i just needed to share this as it is a scary situation for me.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Dear Anon,

      I am sorry to hear of your situation. First, I am not surprised that your Ex has asked you to reimburse him. Please know that you are under no obligation to do so. What you both shared during the relationship was mutual. If he wants to try to get anything back, let him go to court. But, between you and me…he won’t be successful and he’ll only waste his money on an attorney. But, it would be a great lesson for him to learn. My point is, don’t fall into his trap of making you feel that you owe him anything.

      Second, if you leave there is no point in you calling him back in weeks or months. Do you two share your daughter? If not, as soon as you are gone, you will want to consider full No Contact. I don’t want to intrude…but, is your name on the house, or is it a rental? Also, depending on your relationship, you may be able to qualify for some sort of assisted or transitional housing. Go to your local Social Services and put in an application. Let them know you have nowhere to live. Aside from that, if your Ex was emotionally and/or physically abusive, you’ll want to go to your local Domestic Violence center, tell them your story, and see how they can help you. Find out if the transitional housing in your locality is shared, or if you would be able to live in a hotel.

      Hope those suggestions will be helpful to you. Wishing you all the best…Kudos on your decision to leave your Narcissist.


  26. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for your straight answer. I do not intend to live with him anymore, and try to find a way out ( should I bore him? disagree with him often? and show him that we will not work out….if you have any idea, it will help). To his defense he has seen a psychologist with me, and that psychologist advised him ( in front of me) to give me a deadline for me to live with him as I keep on saying i am not ready (for good reason)…he also has helped me with my rent as I could not pay it (since my boss asked me to work part time recently).So i need to find a good job and be back on my feet….(I am from europe). As far as my son he has been nice with him…but I make sure there is a distance. I plan to break up by july , it is sad but I have no choice…
    I am grateful for your blog who is amazing

    1. Kim Saeed

      Yes, getting a better-paying job so you don’t have to depend on someone who makes you feel badly will do wonders for your confidence, too!

      As you said, just try to bore him. Don’t give him any emotion…neither happiness or sadness. Also, don’t give him any reason to think there is hope for the relationship…simply live as roommates.

      The thing with the Psychologist, they will often agree to go to one, but it usually works out in their favor because they are able to make their partner seem like the one who needs therapy.

      Hang in there…you can do this and you will feel like a whole new person when it’s all over with.

  27. Florence

    Thank you for your wonderful blog! I was married with a covert narcissist for 8 years ( he used to see many prostitutes and did drugs in my back). After being separated I met this man who was very charming…he helped me but I noticed that he spoke a lot about himself. As well whenever I have some physical issue he turned back the conversation to him and complain about being in pain or having some issues too ( I got to be operated for an complicated ovarian cyst and the day before the operation he told me that his psa numbers were very high and he was scared of having prostate cancer).. He does not seem interested in truly knowing me ( my past, my childhood) . We experienced two big fights in a year and a half and he was quite scary those two times, and he spin and twisted the truth ….he is much older than me and has been married three times ( his last wife complained about him not knowing her and how she was traumatized after a specific fight that they had but they were married 17 years ). He would like to live with me and my child ( as I have an 8 years old) and have asked me to decide by October if I will live with him or not…I just do not see myself with him on a daily basis as I often feel drained in his presence. I am not sure if the man I am dating is a narcissist or not, and I really need help to try to figure it out! Thank you so much ….

    1. Kim Saeed

      I believe you know the answer…perhaps you just need someone else to validate it…I am glad to.

      I would not advise living with this man. In fact, it would be in your best interest (and that of your child) to end the relationship now. There are already several red flags, and if you continue on with him, things will only get worse.

      He not only has traits of Narcissism, but it seems possible that he could also be a Sociopath. If you continue the relationship, your whole world will be turned upside down and you and your child will suffer great emotional pain…

      If he’s asked you to decide by October, there must be some other story playing in his life (which he will never tell you about) and October is an important date for him.

      If you feel drained now, you will be rendered powerless from exhaustion if you live with him. If I were in your shoes, I would find a way to end the relationship. If he gets scary again and threatens you, call the police. In fact, if you have a Domestic Violence center in your area, contact them and tell them you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you want to end it, but you are afraid of the repercussions. They will be able to guide you and help you…maybe even arrange for a policeman to accompany you.

      All of that may seem uncomfortable, but it’s nothing compared to what a long-term relationship with this man would bring upon you and your child…

      Hope this helps. Wishing you all the best.

  28. Pingback: Grief felt on 6/12/11--Tracy's Reign of Terror: True Story of Narcissism, Bullying, Domestic Violence and Child Abuse, Part 92 | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  29. Dear Kim,
    Thank you for yet another powerful and insightful post!
    Even though my issues stem from having a N biological family, the characteristics and N behaviour still resonate with me. For instance, I went NC with my sister in 2010. Late last year, she tried to enter our lives again via social media and I’m really glad that I did not let her back in our lives for another round of destruction. And this was even before I knew there was a label for her. However, since she couldn’t get to me that way, she has deactivated her account.
    I’m still trying hard to understand the behaviour of the Narc. Do they intentionally do things, scheme and manipulate to hurt someone or is it just a means to an end for them where “ego wants; ego gets” and they don’t pay attention to the destruction they leave behind? I guess I’m still having a hard time trying to understand how a human (and I use that term loosely) can intentionally cause so much carnage to another person.
    Thank you also, for the resources on Inner Child Healing. I have been looking into that and doing some research since you suggested it to me on another post. 🙂

  30. Leisa Sudderth

    All I can say is wow. This article, by far, is the most insightful,helpful mind blowing piece of literature I’ve ever read. My soon-to-be ex-husband told me the reason his first marriage did not work was because she refused and changed her mind about having children. We had married late in life and my biological clock didn’t start ticking until 40. He really knew how to sell it and work it.This piece of information made me even more determined to help my husband achieve his dream of having a family. After jumping through infertility hoops and infertility treatments I delivered twin boys at age 44.
    The past 10 years have been quite a struggle for me. I came into the marriage happy, healthy, and full of joy. Today after being no contact for one month I’m on my way to resemble the woman I was when I first met him. He actually is the one that has filed for divorce so my discard caught me completely offguard. I am not unhappy/upset that we are divorcing but I am mad at myself for what I allowed him to do to me. In the meanwhile I have managed to talk to the first wife. I wanted to know if she felt she had been emotionally abused. The first marriage was a short one, only three years long and she told me that she had the upper hand emotionally in the relationship since she found out about infidelity in the marriage early on,six months after they married. She was talked into counseling, by him, and she eventually gave in and went but never trusted him again. And rightfully so. By the time he met me he had his “spiel”down pat and he knew how to get sympathy from potential partners. I bought it hook, line, and sinker.As soon as I had the children the insidious abuse started. A little comment here,a little jab there,all added up to 10 years of pure hell.
    By looking at these websites and finding out what really happened to me has made such a huge difference in my life.
    It feels good to be in charge of my life again. I know I’m on the right path. I only communicate with him through texting and it is short concise and to the point. Whenever I have to see him at ballgames I try very hard not to even look in his direction. He actually repulses me. The sound of his voice makes me cringe.
    It makes me sad to see what other people have put up with and have lived through. But it also teaches me that I am far from alone in my Horrific
    experiences over the past 10 years.
    I found out from emails that he has planned this divorce for the past three years while pushing me to pay off credit cards that I didn’t run up. His lies and financial abuse since my income was “disposable “and his income was to be use for God only knows what have really taught me a valuable lesson. I will never go through this again. Ever.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing your story. Your input helps spread awareness of the Narc’s MO, including financial abuse. Also, that nothing is sacred to these toxic people including having children with their partner(s).

      I’m glad to know you have been able to put the pieces together in a way that enforces the necessity to leave the relationship.

      I think we all go through a period of being angry with ourselves for being so nice, but in the end…they will get the visit from Karma, not us, and often it’s when they least expect it.

    2. Anonymous

      Your story is my story as well – only I stayed for 23 yrs. I was together with him for 24. I am in the process of divorcing- because it’s what he wanted. I’m not sure why I didn’t wake up sooner because all the red flags were flyin high. Thanks for posting this.

  31. Thanks, Kim. I am really looking forward to creating my own external emotionally safe environment at long last, and to learning how my own story will emerge after I am free. I suppose we all hope that our example can help someone else, and I realize that most of the folks here are quite a bit younger than I am, and are still in the kind of place I was when I was their age. For them I have two things to share. One is that my faith played a huge part in helping me know that there was safety outside of the toxic relationship with my spouse. I saw God as my refuge and strength as I did my internal work in spite of my spouse. But the other thing for those who may be in a similar situation, holding on to the concept of a lifetime marriage, is look at what happened. Look at what he did, even after all that time, after all that I had done to be good to him (and, by his own admission, was good to him), and all that I had done to do my own work and clean up my own side of the street. There is no “good enough” for these kinds of people–they are insatiable and they don’t change. I am pretty sure I would have made different decisions years ago if I had known then what I know now. It’s not you, Baby, it’s him, so set yourself down and do that hard thinking you need to do about the steps you need to take.
    Kim, I think you’ve referred to Leslie Vernick’s book “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” and I’ve just finished reading it for the second time. It is now a very well-marked book! If you are a woman of faith, and even if you are not, this book is full of excellent counsel and provides help to do that hard thinking and start making those hard choices. If you are married to a narcissist, there is nothing easy about this, past, present or future. So what are we going to do about it?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Your story and courage are very powerful. Let me know if you’d be interested in submitting a guest post sometime 🙂 I think a lot of people out there would benefit greatly from reading it. ~Hugs~

    2. Greater Glory

      “There is NO ‘good enough’ for these kinds of people–they are insatiable and they DON’T change…..It’s NOT you, Baby, IT IS him.”

      It took getting out of that state of denial and seeing the reality of the relationship to understand that comment from Maryleemorgan. If not….you know the definition of insanity….right?! And, I spent too much time in that spot. So grateful for all the help that sprung up on the internet in the past 5 years. This site is new for me and it is REALLY GOOD. Healing just keeps happening thought by thought and layer by layer. Such a process. Thank you, Kim S. and all the contributors.

  32. Mary Lee Morgan

    Hi Kim,

    As a 67-year-old making my way out of a 49-year-old emotionally destructive marriage, I have an additional perspective. Years ago when I immersed myself in therapy and 12-step “-anon” groups to overcome childhood abuse and my destructive marriage, I surely had to deal with my inner child. And I could see, in being honest, that some of my hurt and my reactions were about childhood issues, and that the issues of the moment were made even more painful by the issues of the hurt inner child. I found myself one day in my first guided imagery session and the group leader told us to imagine ourselves in the safest place we had ever known. After a few minutes of racking my brain, I realized I did not have such a place. So right there on the spot, I decided to make one up, since we were going there in our heads, anyway. So I did, and I tweaked it and developed it over time until to this day, I go to that place when I need to be there (the mind is an amazing thing). I was also, in my journey, challenged to stay in my competent adult self when interacting with others. I came to understand that I was continuing my own abuse when I sent my wounded child out to do a woman’s job–which I had done when highly stressed and “crazy-made” by my N spouse. My inner child had gotten stuck in some ways at the age I was when the molest by my father started, and she had primarily been the one who came out to confront my spouse over the pain he caused.

    So I made a deeper place, a very secluded place, a very, very safe place for my inner child to dwell and to rest and to play (she was mocked for playing as a child) and to not worry about anything (she was given too much responsibility as a child) because my competent adult was now in charge. I had chosen to love her and believed that she knew that, so while I was aware of her there I did not feel the need to go there to tend to her very often. I was aware that she was very OK there. It was years later when I wondered, kind of out of the blue, where she had gone, and if she was still in that place. I really could not find her, and I decided that she had simply grown up and joined me. She was no longer a place in myself I might inadvertently “switch” to, but was more a part of me that participated appropriately in my life on a more daily basis. This, I believe, is as it should be.

    And I say that to say this: living with an N still hurt. Being lied to, deceived, used and discarded still hurts. Trying to live in a life partnership, in a sexual relationship, with a spouse who is still stuck in his own hurt inner child, still hurts. His unavailability hurts. His up-side-down perspective of marriage and the world in general hurts and causes life fallout that he will not deal with very effectively, leaving me to do most of the heavy lifting. All of that hurts. Real women, adult women, emotionally healthy women, have real needs, and feel real pain. I share this because–partly because of the messages we get from the N and partly because we also get these messages from our culture–there is no “enough” that we can be so as not to be hurt by the N’s behaviors and attitudes. They hurtful. And when we go for help, we are so often the “identified patient” and told to work on ourselves, work on ourselves, work on ourselves. And we must. But we must also be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that if we work on ourselves enough, that (1) he will change, or that (2) we will arrive at some magical place of good mental and emotional health in ourselves where his behaviors and attitudes no longer cause us pain. They will. They will still suck us dry. They will still wear us down. They will still create an environment of stress that we may be unable to emotionally and physically endure. We can’t beat ourselves up for that, and we can’t let anyone else do that, either. We must not invite that, and we must not allow it.

    I have to be who I am. I’ve known that for a very long time, and I’ve known for a very long time that I can’t make him change, even while hoping that he would make that choice for himself. But if it turns out that being who I am means that his stuckness will necessarily take advantage of who I am, if it means that if there is the tiniest chance that he would make better decisions for himself without someone to take advantage of, then we are not good for one another. In my case, I am leaving him. He doesn’t want me to leave, and he has told me he never would have left. But that all comes from feeling entitled to all the accoutrements and benefits of marriage and of a healthy relationship without having to do much of anything on his part to achieve that. The reality is that the marriage has never been anything but legal only, and the relationship has been anything but healthy, but he wants me to pretend with him that all is well when it is not. I’ve never played that game with him, and that is the thing he complains about the most. And now that I am making plans to leave, he “feels abandoned” when he is the one who emotionally abandoned the marriage years ago. No, I take that back. He never really showed up.

    For those of you with a dependent N, it’s an important distinction. It can manifest in different ways on the surface. Underneath, we see the same things at work, but the dependent N can be so covert, so subtle, so manipulative, exposing that hurt little boy just enough to keep our empathy on high, that we end up questioning our sanity far more than when they are manifestly evil. Growing up, my N father was a screamer, and overtly abusive to the family while grooming his sources of supply outside the family. Even as a kid, I knew that was his behavior was evil. I sometimes think that knowing that contributed to my resiliency. When I fell for my spouse, I did not see that same thing. He was so quiet, and appeared gentle and safe compared to my father. I thought I’d found my soul mate. But no, he was no more available for a real relationship with family in the end than my father was. My N was just much more subtle most of the time, and it has taken me a long time to see it all clearly. I like what Maya Angelou said–something along the lines of “We did what we knew. When we knew better, we did better.” So all of this information about narcissism wasn’t out there to read about when I first started my own journey. But it is now, and now I know better, and I am doing better.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing that, Mary Lee.

      You are one of a small group of people I know of that’s had the opportunity to acknowledge their Inner Child and embrace it to the depths that you did. I am also grateful you shared that no matter the amount of growing and healing we do within ourselves, nothing can prepare us for the pathology of a Narcissist. I suppose my purpose in writing the post was to help those who haven’t done Inner Child work to have a point of reference for their own pain after being discarded, and hopefully encourage them to do such work because it can be very healing. It may also help them to stop repeating the same painful patterns in their life.

      However, in order to do any healing work, it needs to be done in a safe, secure environment…which does not include a toxic relationship. That’s why I emphasize No Contact so much in my writing.

      Thank you. Your input may very well help other women or men in your situation who have been married for most of their adult life. Most people in that situation believe they are resigned to live out the rest of their lives in pain and suffering. That’s simply not true, as your example shows us. I’m glad you are doing better. I wish you all the best in your path forward…

    2. Andy

      I would have my doubts that Mary Anns husband has NPD and that she has been with a person with NPD in a voluntary relationship that long. Narcissists are so toxic, she should have been dead by now due to the stress…

      I know two men both involved with same narc women over two different ten year periods and they both ended up with strokes and brain damage due to the stress.

      Summary: I am really skeptical of anyone claiming to have survived ultra long romantic relationships with people with NPD because it is so toxic, that you more than likely will die early due to stress and health issues.

  33. V

    This is a really wonderful website. There are many resources for physically and mentally abusive relationships, but not for dealing with narcissists in particular.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you, V! I’m so glad you’ve found it helpful 🙂

  34. Gabrielle

    Dear Kim, I think that without blogs like this I would be dead by now, even though the Narc in my life is my sister..She is good at manipulating my mother by telling lies and making herself look like a victim when in fact she just greedy. Once I realized what she is I started to question her motives and then of course instead of remorse on her part now it’s worse. I’m afraid of her brain washing my Mom to cut me off from my inheritance. I’m no good at playing mind games-my mother has no empathy for me-she’s basically apathetic while I’m more empathetic and an easy target for my sister. I feel sad and afraid every day and I can’t see an end to this-gabrielle

    1. Kim Saeed

      Gabrielle, I am sorry you’re having to endure this. I was never any good at playing mind games, either. But to Narcissists, mind games are like breathing. It just happens automatically, and they are masters at it.

      I felt the way you do before my recent court hearings for custody of my son. All I did was remain true to myself (no lies or manipulation), and I prayed and left everything to God. I don’t know what your religion is, if any, but whatever Higher Power you believe in, just hand your problems over, stay honest and true, and pray…believing everything will work out as it should.

      Don’t worry too much because worrying is like praying for the thing we don’t want. I can offer some guidance: Do some guided meditations to keep your mind clear and enhance your confidence. Be nice to your mother; don’t talk about your sister unless your mother asks you a direct question; Do good and good will come back to you. Even if an outcome isn’t what you plan or hope for, it usually ends up being for our highest good.

      Wishing you all the best…

  35. daveyone1

    Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..

  36. Reblogged this on The Eclectic Poet and commented:
    This may be the hardest part I think. Though I was able to extricate myself and walk away from the Narc in my life, I now know that the discard had already begun and I still find that difficult to comprehend after my reign as the woman that he would “die without” and who could “never be replaced.”
    Wonderful post Kim, thank you so much for your insight.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks for the re-blog, Kei 🙂

      I can relate. When my Ex and I separated the first time, he fled the country and was informally married to another woman in less than two months. I guess his 1-yr old son didn’t hold any place in his heart, either.

      It’s certainly a difficult thing to fathom in the beginning…glad we’re out!

      1. MissEmma

        I was with a Narcissist for 3 years, and thank god I’m free! He already had his new supply ready about 4 weeks before we separated, within 5 weeks of being with this girl they went over to Bali to get married, he also left his 1 year old daughter behind

        1. Kim Saeed

          Woo Hoo…glad to know you’ve been free for 3 years. It’s indeed sad how they can throw away partners and children without a second thought, but at least you won’t be the focus of his toxic shame.

          Thank you for reading my article and for commenting <3

  37. Mimi Pollier

    He has choosen this ow. he makes it seem like he will be commited to her and she is the way to go right now in his life?? But i agree with Beth they are always looking for superficial relationships to help their ego. He loves money and this ow does not even have a job. But she serves a purpose to him right now; and i don’t. Do you think they can commit or love really?? Or just use us? Thank you Mimi

    1. Kim Saeed


      Narcissists are not able to experience true love, and they are only able to use people for their own benefit.

      1. Mimi Pollier

        So in your opinion do they ever regret letting a person go that really loves them?? I truly love this man i really do.. That’s why is has been such a hard journey to let him go out of my heart; even through he has tortured me this last year with this ow. DO they ever really sit down and think and say i let someone go that i know i could count on really count on through thick and thin? Your right about the loving part, he has no idea what it is like to truly deeply love someone.. I may have lost but i am me and glad i can love someone endlessly. Maybe in years to come they do some self-realization and think about this?? What do you think? Thank you so much for your feedback; it really helps get through the days.. mimi

        1. Kim Saeed


          I know it’s been a hard battle for you because you love this man. I am sorry you’ve had to endure this…

          No, they don’t sit and reflect on what they could have done differently, nor whether they hurt people. They don’t think like we do. The only way I can express it is like this: They are parasites and they consider us hosts. A parasite’s only concern is for survival.

          If the OW proves she can no longer give him what he wants, he will go back to you, but he will also continue to go back to her, or some new woman he might meet along the way.

          That doesn’t mean that you are unloveable. It only means Narcs aren’t capable of loving anyone, nor of self-reflection. It’s like trying to teach compassion and love to a crocodile. It’s their nature and there’s nothing we can do to change it…

  38. bethbyrnes

    Personally, I think their number one goal is financial advantage. These are essentially lazy people who think their mere existence is enough and they need do nothing more than shine their magnificence around for us to bask in. Mine told me that he sees himself as “the ideas guy”, so he could sleep late, be up late (viewing porn, I later found out), and merely looking to make ‘deals’, to fuel his lifestyle. They have no affect, so they never go into the relationship for emotional exchange or enrichment. They go into it to use other people’s emotionality to their advantage. They really don’t need one person for their power trip — they usually have a lot of superficial relationships where they can posture and seem superhuman. They need that one person to work for them and support them.

    Once again, you are insightful and helpful, Kim.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Are we talking about the same guy? 🙂

      During the 8 years we were together, my Ex rarely held down a job. He once told me, “I don’t work for other people. Other people work for me.” And as you mentioned, there was always a “business deal” in the making, but which never came to fruition.

      Everything you said is spot-on. Glad I’ve learned this hard lesson.

      Thanks for your encouraging words, Beth 🙂

  39. Mimi Pollier

    Hi Kim:
    It’s Mimi… I’ve just gone throught the discard phase again… he comes back stays a few days and leaves again.. he came back at the end of January stating he wanted to stay and even get married (been with him twenty-seven years). But then he switches to the ow and says he has to go down that road… the dead end road as i call it.. Can you please respond back to me about the back and fourth?? I know its his N game. He left me again.. it’s just so horrible. i have not contacted him can’t keep hearing about this ow.. Is this common for the N’s back and fourth? And they resurface 2-3 years down the road???? Do they really? The cruelty in these people is just so unbelievable.. and all for a looser. Thank you in advance Mimi

    1. Kim Saeed

      Yes, Mimi, sadly, they do.

      Your best bet is to implement No Contact and cut this guy out of your life because he will never change.

      1. Mimi Pollier

        Kim; do you really buy the confused story between two woman.. all he kept saying is that he is torn between the two of us. But can you imagine he chooses her (with nothing to her name) over a twenty something relationship with me.. What are your thoughts? Can the N really be confused and torn? i just think she is shiny new and he likes that..
        Please respond and thank you Mimi

        1. Kim Saeed

          I think the important thing to realize is that he isn’t interested in a committed relationship. He is going back and forth as his impulses change, and he will always do so as long as he is able to.

          No, I don’t buy the confused story. This is a very common lie told by Narcissists all over the world. It’s just what he says in order to have whichever of you he feels like on any given day. The real question is, don’t you deserve better?

    2. Andy

      Mimi, this reply is late. When you are in a committed relationship, part of that equation is that the other person loves your person. That means that although he/she would like to have another partner, out of knowing how much it would hurt you he/she refrains.

      Why dont you try turning the tables on this guy and getting a second partner for yourself. He would not be able to handle it because deep down he is a little boy and you are supposed to be his unconditionally loving mama.

      1. Tk

        Interestingly, my wife would go out to bars until 2 am when she was on the road working. I asked her if when she leaves tow, would it be ok if I went out to bars with the women I teach yoga to?…the answer was telling…”That’s different, I am working”… Not at 2 am. When I asked that hypothetical analogy, it was an attempt to exact a measure of empathy from my wife. To ask her if she understands how that makes me feel…her only response was. ” you are not my dad””…I was discarded in November. I am way off balance and have even been suicidal…searching

  40. Pingback: Did you recently get dumped | Kinkementary Thoughts: Online Dating, Relationships, and Sex. Tips, Advice, Articles, and Videos.

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