Q&A Tuesday

Dear Kim – How Would a Dumped Narcissist Feel if You Were to Date His Friend?

Surely you ask this in jest.  Are you searching for a reason to leave the continent?  If not, then allow me to paint a clear picture.

This is dangerous territory.  My first thought is that it would be the equivalent of skipping into Dante’s eighth circle of hell.  My second thought…are you considering it because you really like this other guy or because you want revenge?

Third…the world as you know it would end as you endured the smear campaign from Hell.  I wrote about a Narcissist’s typical smear campaign, which would seem like a walk in the park compared to the one you’d be lambasted with if you dated his friend.  I’d be surprised if you weren’t hunted down by Homeland Security and deported to a remote country that’s not even on the map.

The Narcissist would let on that he didn’t have a care in the world that you’re dating his “friend”, but behind the scenes, your whole identity, friendships, career, and familial ties would be in danger.  Even your pet Iguana.  If you care about those you love, don’t bring the wrath of Satan upon them.  No one would be off limits as the Narcissist systematically destroyed you and those you love.  It’s a lot like having a mob hit out on you.  Ironically, moving to Kiev would start to seem like a good idea.

If you enjoy having a job, your friendships, and neighbors that smile and wave instead of slicing your car tires, I wouldn’t even go there.  Besides, there’s always a chance that his “friend” could very well be one of the Narc’s flying monkeys.

Do you have a burning question about your partner’s dubious behaviors?  Submit them to support@letmereach.com and your question will be entered into our database and considered for a future publication. 

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© Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, 2016


  1. Colette

    She always told me that if I cheated on her she would sleep with my best friend because if I cheated we would break-up and who would I go to for comfort? You guessed it..
    At the time I saw it as brilliant and manipulative, not realizing that it was Narc behavior. She had me practically proving my fidelity to her when she did not do as much. Hers was more guilt statements to get me to prove myself while she sat around.
    (Not so) Ironically, she cheated on me and before we broke up (in the way only a Narc can…no warning, blaming you and never really going away) she told her about-to-be new lover that she was going to sleep with the woman I had ‘cheated’ on her with. News Flash: I had NOT cheated on her, but I was still very casually kinda dating my BFF when I met my now Narc Ex two years prior (My friend and I had been friends for over 10 years at that point). Narcs Never Ever forget a slight. They put that in a backpack and carry it around.

    My BFF and I are not good friends anymore. She was playing “neutral” which to me reads picking the Narcs side. Sucks, as she and I have been friends for 12 years and for a short time more than friends, yet she is “neutral”. Sucks. Still not sure if they did not screw around, it certainly was on the table..

    You WILL lose friends in a Narc breakup. Everyone will see you as crazy. Funny, guess which of my my/our friends I kept? Te one who didn’t cave into her Spin Doctoring of the situation. Any friends that I had gotten of “ours” went to her ‘side’. Funny, my Narc Ex ensured she became super buddies with mine. I now realize it was Flying Monkey bullshit and Winning at all costs. She criticized my involvement in their semi-wild lifestyle, but then later was all FB friends with them, even with a person from that crowd that I did not like at all.

  2. Em

    I did this actually and it was the first time in 7 years the narc let me go. Things are on a continuum. I don’t think there was no love there at all for me, on the contrary there was a lot of love and when he saw me date his friend, he kept his mouth shut, and silently released me. He never said an ill word about it. He had another girlfriend at the time and in the midst of my new relationship, his girlfriend dumped him and he sad with us, sadly, showing us the ring he’d bought her. And even then, did not lash out.

    I think it’s a mistake to paint things black and white. Like there is no love, or they only see you as an object. I know the goal is to make sure we leave the narc and never look back, to squash that hope, and I know that’s necessary. But I don’t think it’s necessary to completely demonize.

    Turned out the friend was a narc too. So the cycle just went on, but his grasp was not as strong as the first, and now I’m free of both of them (and still falling prey to others, though seeing it much faster. I have a lot of work to do yet.)

  3. Sally

    Heh, heh, heh. now that we know how yummy the narc is at first, we can always have a good time with the next narc, and now that we know when to quit, as soon as we sniff the vapor of devaluation, we SPLIT, and institute NO CONTACT immediately! so, so, bad…naughty me.

  4. Pingback: Headed to New York! | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  5. idiotwriter

    I am thinking: never mind the friend – DATE ANYONE and you may as well paint that lovely picture of yourself! 😉

    1. Kim Saeed

      Excellent point, Idiotwriter! And one that should be considered, as well.

      As far as the Narc is concerned, all we have to do is breathe in a North-Eastern direction, and we’ve created fodder for character assassination 🙂

      1. idiotwriter

        Two words seems to spring to mind whenever I read your work Kim – ‘THANK GOD’ ….for normality.

        1. Kim Saeed

          I share your sentiment 🙂 So glad to be out of it.

          Good seein’ you here this morning! 😀

          1. idiotwriter

            Nice to be here! Beautiful fresh day it is too 😉

  6. Hi Kim,

    Thanks for another great article. I burst out laughing at the humor. Personally, I don’t think your humor is too twisted, because if you don’t laugh, you cry, right? The “pet iguana” was a nice touch.

    Personally, I wouldn’t have anything to do with anything or anyone connected to the Narc. Narc’s aren’t known for maintaining friendships because of the level of intimacy required to maintain one. That being the case, the so-called “friend” is probably a Narc himself (my theory is that like sticks with like otherwise fireworks of the wrong kind will go off) or that the friend is still useful to the Narc which makes one question what the “friend” is doing to keep the Narc happy. Either way, it’s a scary, no-win situation.

  7. Carrie Reimer

    Kim, I had to laugh at your description of what would happen! A person has to have a sense of humor! When I read the title of your post I thought, “Are they serious??” I have to read this!!
    I love the picture of the woman too! it is the way my ex described me after he found my blog. To anger an N is to bring the wrath of the devil for certain. After finding my blog my ex went from mild loathing and slander to down right character assassination. According to him I laid on the couch all day doing drugs, drinking, eating Tim Horton’s donuts and smoking cigarettes. He worked 24/7 to keep me in my drugs, smokes and donuts (I love that he added the donuts) and when he came home from work I was bitching that he didn’t make enough money. He sunk all his love, money and energy into the black hole that was me. The poor soul. The thing that saved me was he went so overboard it was unbelievable but very scary at the same time because anyone who can go to the lengths he went to in order to destroy me leads a person to believe he would stop at nothing to exact revenge.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Exactly, Carrie. In my post “Several Shades of Smeared”, I talk about how the Narc has everyone believing you’re an alcoholic, drug-addicted prostitute…sleeping in dark alleys and digging in dumpsters for your meals…

      My Ex once called the police on me, claiming I was intoxicated and unable to care for our infant son. Of course, when the police got to my residence, they discovered right away that he was lying and told him, “Sir, it’s obvious you’re trying to build a case against your wife. If you do it again, I’ll arrest you.”

      So, with your Ex, he had some sort of hangup about donuts, specifically Tom Hortons?? Ya know, you just have to laugh in hindsight at some of the stuff they pull…

      Anyhoo, I do try to add some humor from time to time. I sometimes wonder if my humor is too twisted, so I’m glad you got it 😀

      1. Carrie Reimer

        Kim, really once you can step back from the relationship and look at it with a clear head; the narcissist gives plenty of material for jokes and having a good laugh at their expense.
        My ex’s sister and I have had some good laughs at his antics and lies because they are so bizarre!!
        The scary thing is though they are so damned convincing with people who have the power to destroy you so then it isn’t funny when you are the brunt of it. When a “friend” came to me with the lies the ex was spreading I asked him how he could believe shit like that about me and his reply was. “Why would he lie?” OMG! because he is a psycho who is trying to ruin me! People will believe the most bizarre things because they are so bizarre they figure who would lie about something like that. Yet if you try to explain that he is just trying to get revenge they still think “why would he lie?”
        I have walked away from most of the relationships I had while I was with him because it just wasn’t worth the hassle and I refuse to defend myself against ridiculous accusations. I don’t want to be friends with anyone who would be his friend anyway.
        I reread the post again because it makes me smile, it is so true!! I love it!! I needed to see the humor today!

  8. Love love LOVE! the image of the flying monkies! Really enjoyed this article and your smear campaign article is really, REALLY good too. Learning every day. Thanks, Sarah x
    PS As Kim said: DON’T date his friend – why would you want to?? Chances are higher that it’s a set up than true love. Move away if the town you live in is that small – nothing is coincidence with a narcissist. NOTHING.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Sarah, I’m so glad to know you liked my articles! And you are right…absolutely NOTHING is a coincidence with a Narcissist. Think of the butterfly effect. One small crime by the Narcissist creates a chain of events that causes mass destruction on the other side of the world…and also in their own communities. Gosh, they really are quite multi-faceted.

  9. Great information in this. It’s so easy to get caught up in fantasies that everything will be “fine” and “great”. You always have to be aware.

  10. Fed up

    What’s interesting is my STBX is telling people I’m in cahoots with the OW’s ex husband and I don’t even know the guy. It doesn’t seem to matter what you do, they smear you. He left me for her and he’s still smearing me!

    1. Kim Saeed

      That’s not surprising. Usually by the time we learn of the smear campaign, it has been waging for a long time already…

      He’s continuing to smear to justify his actions. It’s hard, but try to ignore it. Don’t bring him up to anyone and if someone approaches you, just tell them the rumors are false and you’d rather not talk about it.

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