How to get a narcissist back

How to Get a Narcissist Back (and the danger of nostalgia)

“How to Get a Narcissist Back” 

When someone enters these search terms in their browser, it usually means one of two things.  

Either 1) someone wants the Narcissistic in their life to return to them, or 2) someone wants to exact revenge on the Narcissist, i.e., “get the narcissist back”…to make them pay.  

However, it’s highly unlikely that either of these situations will play out in reality as they have in your mind.  Below, I dissect the most likely outcome for each scenario:

1)      “Winning” the Narcissist Back

Let’s consider the first scenario, which is that you want the Narcissist to come back to you.  Perhaps the two of you have just “broken up”, it’s your fifth time breaking No Contact, or you’ve made an attempt to show them you won’t accept their abuse any longer.  

Either way, you feel as if you just can’t go another day without them.  Thus, you resolve to wage a campaign to win back the Narcissist’s heart and persuade them to return to you.

The error here is that you assume the Narcissist is experiencing the same feelings of loss that you are and has realized they’ve made a mistake.

Narcissists aren’t capable of self-reflection.  They aren’t thinking of all the ways they hurt you, nor about what they can do to be a better person or partner.  If you reach out to the narcissist making promises of trying harder, being more submissive, letting them have their way, or accepting their infidelities, they will only see you as weak, and sadly, repulsive as well…and because of this, the abuse will get worse.

You see, your perspective is that you’ve just gone through a painful breakup.  You’re remembering the “happy times”, the Narcissist’s “good” side.  However, the narcissist doesn’t recall those memories the same way you do.  All they care about at this point is winning, gloating, or using up the last of whatever resources you have left. 

Further, I’ve heard many, awful recounts of the narcissist returning, only to orchestrate an especially painful and traumatic discard.  If you’re having nostalgic memories of the narcissist, it’s probably your use of nostalgia as a defense mechanism against emotional pain.

The danger of nostalgia and how it can result in our downfall

how to get a narcissist back

Oxford defines nostalgia as “a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.”  In psychology, nostalgia is often viewed as a coping mechanism.  It can drive us to long for a home that never existed, or in the case of Narcissistic abuse, to cope with an increasingly stressful environment or to deny past and present trauma.

When we exist in an abusive atmosphere, we feel we have no control over our lives.  Through the use of nostalgia, we attempt to manipulate our reality to establish a sense of security and serenity.  We rely on our memories to maintain our identity, to process our present reality, and to visualize our future.

And yet, in the case of narcissistic abuse, our memories are typically not factual.  They are tales co-created by our traumatized hearts and minds.  Further, our culture drives us to replace the reality that does exist in memory with nostalgia.  We listen to songs about true love on the radio, we leave the theater after watching a romantic comedy, we come across poetry written by people in love…and we replace our real history with nostalgic-laced ones that aren’t based on reality.

Mass media designs romanticized myths of people that encourage us to wax nostalgic for things that never truly existed.  This causes us to infuse the past with romance, beauty, and connection that never really existed in the relationship.  This nostalgia is often fueled by the narcissist’s hoovering attempts, leading us to make bad choices.

When we approach the situation based off of facts (which is difficult to do), we then come to realize we’ve replaced critical thinking with emotional longing.

2)       Exacting Revenge on the Narcissist

While it’s normal to fantasize about getting revenge on the narcissist, in reality, it doesn’t taste as sweet as you might imagine.

First of all, your dreams of revenge are based on how you would feel if something horrid was done to you.  Understanding what would really tick off the Narcissist requires you to get down on their level, but then how would you feel about yourself?  It might feel good in the beginning, but then you’d likely feel ashamed that you became like them, even if for a brief moment.

Subconsciously, performing acts of revenge would add to your already existent feelings of lowliness, spurred on by the Narcissist’s verbal assaults.  You’d create a self-fulfilling prophecy because then they’d go out and broadcast to the world what you’d done, and likely have proof to back it up.

The best way to “get revenge” is to do nothing.  Giving them the impression that they have no effect on you causes the most damage to their ego and sense of power.  Any display of emotion on your part, whether anger, sadness, or desperation will only fuel their maniacal need for supply. You’ll also feel less worthy of attracting a decent partner in the future once you’ve recovered from the horrendous abuse you’ve endured.

Complete and utter indifference is the kill shot. Anything less is positive validation for their actions.

Copyright Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach 2017

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  1. Toph

    Revenge on an NPD is quite simple. As is expected my NPD has a new supply way before she left my life, turns out it was a neighbor (bastard) after I found out and got past the initial OMG I’m gonna kill them anger I began to think. My solution, I left ‘love letters’ from other women poorly hidden around his garden. The letters spoke of months of betrayal an upcoming discard of my ex and were of course disparaging towards my ex. In no time she found them and well, let’s just say he never saw it coming and she was almost broken by his ‘regection’ of her. Two birds with one stone and I enjoyed writing the letters, all in all a tremendous outcome for very little effort. You just need to point the NPD in the right direction, they’ll tear down a city block in the name of revenge so let them do the heavy lifting for once.

  2. June

    Going out and having fun and enjoying your life is the best revenge there is.

  3. June

    The further I read you, Kim, the more I can interpret the scope of the narcissistic personality. It is a very complex con’struct, interesting, too. I look back on this thirty years and the suspicions I have had of this woman with whom I was in love. That inloveness had been in my own soul for many years. However there are the oh so many signs that I ignored. I really don’t know what was so strong in her that I would so easily succumb to the things that I, too had questioned in my mind. The lack of intimacy at any level. She just couldn’t love. She just didn’t have it in her. The words, “I love you” meant nothing in in her behavior. There were double standards, like “being friends” with her therapist, double standard when my oncologist and I liked each other and neither of us crossed that line, and she told me how I’m not supposed to do that, and she turned right around and did it herself and that was o.k. I think she was competing with me. When our r elation ship ended, this was many years ago and we still were”friends”. She copied everything I had ever done, yet criticized everything I had ever done. I could do or say no right, yet when I told her that she went around telling everybody but me, she went around telling everyone that about me. Saying how “nasty” our break up was when it was she who made it nasty. Years later after not having had anything to do with her for several years she”got June back”. Or so she said. We had a nice time for a while, but it was beside another “intimate partner”. And I knew that she didn’t have any signs of knowing what intimacy means. It was a show to her friends that she could do it, (but only on an artificial surface that meant nothing). She tells me that she “loves me” but doesn’t show it I any way. I have known this all along. But what does that say about me who fell for it all. Perhaps it was the insidious manipulation, ( understand the context of “insidious”. That thing that lies below the surface of perception that is gnawing away at your worth like an insideous cancer growing within, that you don’t know exists til you have reached stage four. And then it’s precarious in fixing it. It can swing either way. This push/pulling at the soul of a good person who doesn’t have it in her heart and soul to treat somebody like that. Who through some kind of “love” that allows that push/pull to engulf the victim. Is it a kind of emptiness on the part of the “victim” there should be a technical word for that other than “victim”. It utterly blows my mind that a person can create such a stereotypic con’struct all by themselves. Or Where do they learn it? How did such a thing infect them like this? I guess I had compassion. When I asked what this was, not knowing anything about the concept of narcissism, she would say “this is who I am”. And yes that was the correct answer, but I was
    Going to have to accept that. I did except that for a long time. Til a while back when there was an ever more a shift in her behavior in which she treated me like she hates me. I figured then that the “friendship” wore itself out. She has been downright and openly hostile. So I walked away. I have done this before and not just once. This time, she might think that I am just taking space, but to me it is fatal as it should be. It was easy this time to blow it off and mean it. That it is now gone forever. Now I don’t know how this is going to play out, like what she might like to do. She called me a few days ago and hung up just when I answered the phone…perhaps being curious about whether I’m here or not. I mean more like being gallivanting out somewhere. So instead of thinking too much about it all, I study Spanish everyday, just to be filling myself with something else. I know I have to stop thinking about it all, and I’m sure that it will pass. What I think would be helpful is to go out and, as Leonard Cohen would say, “let’s do something crazy, something absolutely wrong,…while we wait for the miracle to come…” It’s cathartic to get out of your element and go out and do something crazy..jump out of a plane, hike the Grand Canyon…just something that will take me totally out of my element. As the days go by, I find myself just moving further and further away from this person if nothing more than preserving this self. That defense mechanism that is within the scope of instinct…that you will fight to save yourself at any cost and through instinct, it is automatic. It happens on its own. It is your own instinct that will sooner or later, save you every time. With that to rely on, there is hope. June

  4. Brett B

    My situation has been quite different than the two situations you explained so it has been an acceptionally difficult situation to deal with from many different angles. The common denominator being my life has been drastically affected and altered by narsasistic people. First off, I think (come to find out) I initially had been dealing with psychopath,one who then turned my mother into a narcissist. Things got very ugly, my moms handler found a way to get close to me (by asking and me giving him a job) he then found a way to absolutely destroy me. Long story short I ended up hospitalized several times and thought I was going to die on 3 different occasions. I ended up extremely ill in several different ways which put me on my back for 8 months during a time in which I lost everything I had worked for. It has been a battle to say the least for me to fight my way back. I now have a car, my own home, and a girlfriend who cares about me. I went from living in a penthouse Bachelor pad, driving a 50k automobile and having a thriving company which I worked dillegently to achieve. To having zero and almost killing my self to be quite honest. I was poisoned and it had been made to look like I was using drugs and did it all to myself. People went to great lengths to discredit me, slander me, cover up the truth nearly killing me. It was maticulously planned and I had no Idea what I was in for before it was to late. I’d love to elaborate if you feel as if this is a situation that you can help with. Thank you for your time.

  5. shattereddreams

    I recommend therapy to anyone dealing with this as crucial to recovering their lives back. The therapist must have experience with narcissism.

    I was intimately involved for 7 years and never understood his silences, gaslighting, etc. in fact, he’s not especially attractive, was in a very important profession and so I chalked it up to aspergers.

    About a year and a half ago, another woman surfaced. He talked himself out of it. She meant nothing to him, etc. He is charming and cunning and I loved him.

    But then, God has a way of forcing us to see….and another came up. Eventually in 5 months I discovered 4-5 other women sprinkled in my time with him. He’s a spiritual narcissist and as HG Tudor would say: a mid ranger.

    He sought therapy and while I never knew the official diagnosis, i am certain he was told.
    He’s admitted to me he lies, wears a mask, and tells people what they want to hear.

    We broke up for 6 months. And exactly as Kim says, he returned. “A changed man”

    It was a lovely hiatus until I walked in on him with yet another.

    I thought of revenge. All the other women chose to expose him. He lost his job etc

    I told him I would do the same.

    But revenge is poison. He’s not worthy of the energy. He’s sick. And, whether you believe in God or not, i saw his eyes change color – I believe he’s demonically oppressed. He’s admitted he cannot stop himself.

    It changes us. I have ptsd. I am hurt and saddened for it all.
    Walk away. Let God handle him. Let God heal you.

  6. Chandrani rodrigo

    It was so useful to i didnt know how to get on with difficult man which taught me so to tackle such a case.

  7. scapegoat

    hi, i love this article. i have a sister who is a full fledged narcissist. she constantly throws subtle insults at me when we are at family gatherings and never contacts me any other time during the year. not to say hi, how are you, just wanted to chat, or anything. she is the most manipulative, covertly agressive human being i have ever encountered. i finally had enough and cut myself off from her and her minions in the family. she is always playing the victim and has obviously made everyone else think that i’m the villian. i just got fed up with being the scapegoat. yes, it hurts to be apart from my family, but none of them have offered to reconnect either. except to send superficial invitations to someone’s graduation, birthday, etc. the rest of the time you’d think i just didn’t exist at all. i’ve opted not to be in contact with them anymore. i keep hoping that one or some of the others will finally realize what’s really being going on, but i’ll probably be waiting until hell freezes over.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Scapegoat,

      I hope you’re doing okay. It’s hard when you are forced to detach from family members, but if they bring negativity and feelings of unworthiness into your life, it’s the best thing to do for your overall wellbeing. I truly wish you all the best as you move forward on your path to healing.

      Kim XoXo

  8. tt*

    hi kim please use this one rather than previous as i didnt want my name published ty.
    my narc left me high and dry just before i was due to marry her. i she showed nothing but effection to me for 3 yrs. i belived i was her world and we virtually lived in each others pocket. then she started a new job and changed twds me leaving me at home to go out with her work mates and being really distant with me. then one night flew into a rage for no appent reason and made a big scene ring the police saying i was threarening her ect. and left.
    she then for 4 weeks had me running around after her giving her money. searching for her as she said she had overdosed. only to find out she was with a woman round the corner watching me ect.
    the woman then turned up telling me all the lies she had been saying and how terrible she treated her. then her sister called me and i asked her sister if she was abused by her father. and bought up in care and everything she told me about her childhood was a lie. since then the whole past and our life had not an ounce of truth in it .i tried to end it all last week and ended up in hospital as i couldnt take the hurt anymore … and shes now contacted me saying she wants to help me. but also showed me shes in a new realationship with a girl all over fb .but wants to apoligise for the way she has treated me.and wants to meet up and help me get over my depression. funny thing is though my friend told me b4 i od. her fb had me and my daughter all over it and then wen i did it she put her new realationship up and deleted me just b4 she showed me? im scared and vunerable atm. but she keeps saying sorry but she loves this girl but also wants to help me as she cares about me and is also denying all the lies but the other woman no way would know half of wat was said .???

  9. Kim Saeed

    They often do, but I wouldn’t advise waiting around for the out-of-control Karma bus to pull up in front of them 🙂

  10. dfillman417

    Not to sound like a narcissist myself, but wow Kim…Once again, I feel like you’re talking directly to ME. I searched for these terms just last night (after writing to you on FB about my revenge fantasies) hoping to find articles like this one that will set me straight. I wonder if you could explain to me why it is I feel like two people–just like my NarcEX–one side is smart, strong, “gets it” and wants desperately to move on and forget all about him (and knows she should). The other side is like a junkie, saying things like “No no, this tiny little detail about him is different…He can’t be the monster these articles say he is…He CRIED, he said he loved you, he said he didn’t want to hurt you…He SAID….” Who IS that woman, and how can I exorcise her for good? SHE is the one I need to go NC with!

    1. megan

      . in a voice mail. i was asking my narc of 4 to stop lying about me. he told everyone who would listen that i am a pathological liar, to get attention, and that i molest my mentally disabled daughter. his minions attacked me, my family, my life, my feelings and soul. it is hard to hurt me, but because i raise this innocent person, by myself, and the fact he knew i was sexually abused, he knew this would hurt me. i said no slanders against him. so many take the silence as an admission of guilt. he is so convincing, i lost a bunch of friends. btw… they werent real friends if they believed that disgusting rumor. he called and, obviously in front of the woman he secretly lived with, and btw hid herself from me. ? and, in facr, tried to convince its tier culture. because they are latino and i am caucasion….was standing right there. he lied. i never ever say anything about you. i never want to hear from you again. obviously, that was a complete lie. but i responded in text, okay. and i threw my cell into the trash. after that, almost immediately, he unblocked me on fb. i got notifications from his posts. he complained earlier that he didnt know how to get rid my pics. also lie. he wanted them for sexual power getting off on the facr i had loved him. and hurt me. i removed them. and i unfriended all our mutal friends. he blocked me again. temper tantrum. of course. so i messaged his friend and told her that he is dead to me. his actions were unforgivable. now, today, he unblocked me from from his secret account. i guess to spy. ikk. but i put on my big girl pants and blocked and blocked and blocked. it hurt. oh so much, on so many levlees. but i control if we ever speak. not him. and i feel so much better. my power is coming back. and it hurts less and less, with time. i only discuss this with people i trust. as far as he knows, im out. forever. thats the only way. you cant hurt him, catch him in a lie, or get closer. good luck, people. people who have never been through this, think you sound crazy. or obcessed. i got into a therapy group. and dont look back.

  11. Binrah

    Thank you for you words and advice. I do see what you mean. However, the narcissist I am dealing with is my sister. I was her victim for so many years and I never knew it. She had really used her narcissism on her daughters and I’ve slowly made the connection after speaking to a few therapists about it. But the major eye opener that my sister was a narcissist was when she kicked her eldest daughter, who got into drugs heavily, out of her home, sent her to my place and washed her hands of it. She never called to ask how things were going, to see if her daughter or I needed anything, etc. I think she was hoping I would fail. After 8 months I could not take my niece’s attitude and habits any longer, so I asked her to leave. I tell her mom and she says okay we’ll come get her, like it was no big deal. She didn’t even ask what had happened. I lit into her and I didn’t stop. I told her how ungrateful she had been, how she washed her hands of it, etc. I probably shouldn’t have exploded, but it had been building up for a while. What does my sister do? She blames the reason her daughter was asked to leave on the guy I was seeing. What?? She said she knew her daughter wasn’t going to like this guy. If she thought that, was so concerned about him being at my place, she knew he would be at my place on occasion, why would she even send her daughter to my place?? But she ran crying and upset to my brother, three sisters and parents, all her friends and her husband’s family and ripped apart my reputation, etc. Horrible experience. Really, it was a damned if I did and a damned if I didn’t situation that I didn’t get the chance to really think through. My sister had her husband to bring their daughter to me a week early and with no notice to me. My niece didn’t even know she was leaving to come to my place. She got up one morning, they told her to pack her bags and they drove her to my place. I was called after they got on the road. Crazy!! Here I was not knowing if my niece needed detox, no room ready for her and was I going to be dealing with an angry person on top of someone needing drugs, etc. It was inevitable that no matter which way things went, my sister was going to hold resentment and anger towards me and let others know, so she would look like the good guy. I still nave not gotten myself back together from it all. My whole family didn’t speak to me for over 6 months. The amazing part though, is my niece, she and I fixed things 2 wks after she left my place. She remained in the area and we met for dinner, talked and we continue to this day to have a really close relationship. Anyways, my sister had the rest of my family saying I had abandoned not just my niece, but the entire family, for this guy. Unbelievable! They have no clue what I went through with my niece. They didn’t see anything that my sister had done wrong, including sending my niece to me, which all the therapist I have seen said that that was a sure sign of narcissism. It was more or less putting a bomb in my hands, knowing it was going to go off and not even caring about my wellbeing. My sister even knew I was still recovering from my husband death 2 yrs prior, but she didn’t care. She needed someone to handle her responsibility and someone to blame if things didn’t go right. So for the past 2 yrs I have slowly slipped into my hole and have pulled away from most everyone in my life. I’ve felt like I wanted to die. Here my sister who I was so very close to goes and does this to me and ruins my reputation and I am so not the person she has portrayed me to be. I was at a low today and happened to get online to see if a relationship of such could be fixed. So many things came up regarding the narcissistic person, narcissistic moms, victims of narcissists, etc. I have read and read so many things and it has opened my eyes big time!! My niece is now in a rehab facility for a year. This is her chance to really make it. Her mom suggested she go for therapy, but my niece said she would if she would go also! Lol! I was right there when it was said and I thought, “Good one!” But my sister automatically said, “I don’t have problems; I don’t need therapy. If I need to talk to someone, I talk to your dad.” My niece said, “Mom, what’s talking to dad going to do? And how could you not have problems when you have a 23 yr old daughter who is doing heroin?” My sister still denied needing any therapy. I read part of the book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough by KaryI McBride. That book is right on point for my niece to read. She isn’t getting a lot of individual therapy at this recovery center and I truly feel sending this book would help her get through one of the reasons why she turned to alcohol and drugs. Yes, my sister wouldn’t appreciate me pointing out that she played a part in her daughter’s substance abuse, but why should I care? What have I got to lose? My sister has apparently been jealous of me for some time now and doesn’t care about anything but herself, how she looks to others, her pride, etc. I feel she has taken away the goodness that filled my heart. It has royally taken a toll on me. Plus, she has also almost destroyed her daughter. Yes, I guess me sending this book to my niece could be seen as an act of revenge towards my sister, but it is also something that could help my niece so very much. It could be kept between me and my niece and after she read it, she could just leave it at the rehab facility for others to read. Any thoughts?

  12. Maki

    Kim, as an intro, we’re 1st generation Eastern Europeans, I from a city (30) he from a village, where, in general, men are kings and women basically their worshippers. My narc left me after 8 years, after throwing a temper tantrum and saying he was never coming back to me again. As the fixer (every time), I finally decided to let it be and see if we were together because he loved me or because I fixed things/begged/gave in each time (didn’t know he was a narcissist-just incapable of having emotions, empathy, always blaming me, conflict avoidant ,and selfish as hell).
    There was no contact for 7 weeks until I finally couldn’t handle it, emailed him, and he said that when he left that was it for him! (Thanks for the memo!!)
    I think our relationship lasted so long because I was always in the middle of some type of degree (psych, MBA, and JD-attorney now, yay) so we lived separate lives which gave him a lot of freedom. He has one degree, I basically took him out of the bar to make him into a professional in the corp world, he hated his entry position, but did nothing to change it or better himself (totally unmotivated, unambitious, etc).
    I learned to be submissive even though I started off as independent, valuing the tiniest things he did, took in his ignoring/punishments, and worked harder and harder thinking he couldn’t show me love because I wasn’t doing enough, and was miserable, but LOVED HIM IMMENSELY….Wrong!
    Throughout the relationship he would blame me for ruining his life, making him lose his confidence, sense of self, happiness…I made him numb, insecure, hated/had no respect for his family because I didn’t like their treatment of me and expressed my issue… But then one time when I told him how that made me feel and he said “oh I was just angry, don’t overanalyze.”
    While packing his crap out of our apartment yesterday after 4 months, because he was “never stepping foot in it again,” I found a journal entry from 2012 basically saying all the same things plus that he felt everyone felt sorry for him in this relationship, he needs his ex back (that he dated at 12 years of age), her personality (also a narc), and ability to make him feel confident (mind you he’s 34). That he didn’t love “this girl” anymore (didn’t use my proper name), to get rid of me, and stop living the pretend life. I also found a booklet from that same girl writing to him when he moved to America in ’98, how she is sorry she cheated, with four guys, but still missed and loved him, and would always. I found this in his old work bag that he took daily to work…yet he was in a relationship/love with me. (But idealized a cheating, 15 year old who would never allow this type of relationship at this age.)
    He also opened up Match in May that I found out on our last vacation, but when broke up with me, among blaming me for everything, along with being too American, he wasn’t to blame for anything, the relationship made him a chauvinist, create/send a message on Match, etc.
    Now after all of this, I see he needs a world of mental help!! But what bothers me is the disconnect with what he felt (misery, loss of self, depression), yet put in 5%, versus what I put out (love, kindness, endless effort, butt kissing), 310%. I must be that terrible if he kept repeating that every few years….although I know I’m not. At all!!! So how is this disconnect possible?

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  15. HLC

    I would beg and beg & plead for my husband to come back, I would say the magical phrase “I will do whatever you want” but I would say “I would do anything to keep you in my life b/c I love you so much” that would put a sparkle in his eye & the wheels would start spinning in his evil mind. I never knew at the time what I was dealing with for over 5 years I thought I was going insane! Well lets just say he requested things that were against my morals, or he would end the marriage. Very sick perverted things that involved other people! While I was at home while he was deployed in a war zone the only thought was NOT seeing me but getting what he wanted during his R&R and he would say to me “I could die down here don’t you think you should do this for me one time and one time only” If not I am going to leave you & not come back. BUT if you do this I would stay with you forever, it will be a one time thing only unless you want to do it afterwards.

    DUMB ME! I fell for it, to this day I see in my head another woman sleeping w/ my husband (DO NOT DO IT) it’s a trap just to get you to perform a act on him that you consider against your morals, it doesn’t end well. They will STILL discard you afterwards! My spouse discarded me soon afterwards before returning from is deployment. This time I threatened him, I knew a lot of what he was doing downrange that didn’t look good on his part. I took that to his Chain of Command & it scared him. He came running back to me EVERY SINGLE time he got caught cheating I broke up that relationship & he came running home.

    Five years of this crap is draining to say the least, My husband deployed a 2nd time w/ no issues we were fine and I thought due to his promises of him never cheating/hurting me again he was done being a selfish A hole. I was wrong! I lost my dad during that deployment, it killed me my husband swore he would never leave me again or hurt me, 6 months later I was back to being treated like utter crap! He was giving me the silent treatment, drinking way more than normal (even drinking and driving while totally blacked out) I almost had him arrested (we lived overseas in another country) so I didn’t want him landing in their jail so I tried to keep it between his CoC, they didn’t do anything to help. I always got the same phrase from Chaplains, CoC “you cannot lead a horse to water” HELLO my husband just came back from 2 war zones in less than 3 years and you are telling me you wont even talk to him to see if he is okay????? (this is a totally new topic I know I am STILL angry about this b/c I believe he has some sort of PTSD he will not seek help for and I have strong feelings they don’t help when it’s needed) but anyways I will get off my soapbox about that…

    Lost story short, he raged once I found out what he truly was & confronted him telling him to leave my room he destroyed personal property of mine that was very special to me b/c it was from my Dad. He was placed in the Barracks & than brought back into the home WITH OUT counselling due to his CoC (that means Chain of Command) saying we have way too many married spouses staying in the barracks (Why is that do you do shit for them… NO they do not and they don’t help the spouses) It’s crazy to me well when he came back the partying and drinking stayed the same if not got worse, he slept w/ me while on Ambien and basically sexually assaulted me. I threatened to get him in trouble if he didn’t get help (I was at my ropes end w/ him Idk who to talk to or where to go) He would joke around thinking it was funny telling me to “Take a pill & lock my doors” well he had all the keys to the bedroom doors so that wasn’t even something I could do & not to mention he had threatened to hit me 2x after coming back (which he had NEVER done prior, I was never scared of him like that till that time) I wanted him gone out of the house it was Hell having him there.

    Well the investigation started there was a No Contact order placed on him and lets say w/ in a couple months of that he wanted back in the home and promised to go to counselling where he would hoover me back in (in the back of my mind I kept telling myself don’t do it there isn’t something right about this) but my love for him never stopped I wanted him back. I basically dropped the charges and tried to get him to go to counselling as promised it was very short lived. He stopped going, he didn’t drink as much in the beginning and things were good for several months until he got into my FB account and saw that I had told a family member I was planning on going my separate way after he was chaptered out of the Military (he was still being removed, due to the investigation) not long after that he told me “I cannot be with someone that got me kicked out of the Military” he never put blame on himself. THIS was all planned! He knew exactly what he was doing, he came back to shut me up! It worked too! I am not living on my own with my kids (they aren’t his) It’s been a struggle to say the least BUT it’s much better than dancing with the devil that is for sure! I am no longer living in Hell! So if you plan on wanting your N back you might want to think long and hard, b/c they might destroy you in the end.

    1. HLC

      Oh and he NEVER stopped requesting this act that I found Immoral either, THIS is when he completed discarded me when he found out I wasn’t going to fall for it EVER again! There so many things that happened while married to him it would take an entire book to explain, what/when & why I felt the need to stay/do whatever I did to keep this person.

      Just know that it’s better to leave & have NO contact w/ this person it will never get better. You will only hate yourself in the end & feel you have gone mad! I am going to start going to 1 on 1 counselling to help deal with this trauma in my life. I wish I was better at writing b/c I have actually thought man I could write a book on this, but I am not good when it comes to writing. I just wanted to share my experience and tell others to be very careful when trying to get them back b/c no matter how much you want them back there is always a price you will pay in the end.

      I regret not letting him go the first couple times he left, I wish I knew what I know now! He has literally made me look like a awful person & discredited my name. I am not allowed to get any compensation for the assault that took place due to the fact I allowed him in after the charges (b/c I believed he wanted help, I was hoovered back by my abuser) They do not understand this. It stinks, but basically I have learned a valuable lesson and I know now what to look out for in a partner!

      1. KP

        I am not married but have been with a narcissist for over a year and I am discarded now. I asked him to leave me alone and this time he actually did as he has found his new supply, I am assuming so. Until this time, he used to come back to me asking me to be with him and finally this time he found out that I told a friend of mine about his abusive nature and that friend of mine ended up abusing him in return which I was unaware of. So my N ex abused me like anything saying that I am horrible person that I told another friend about his private abusive messages to me. And he discarded me. He abused to me so much calling me w**** and b**** and discarded. I am struggling to move on. Going to go for my first therapy session. I wake up crying in the mornings and I have understood that I have gotten into clinical depression. I keep listening to his abusive recorded calls so stop myself from going back to him. I feel like calling him and asking ‘doesn’t it hurt at all? You see me at work everyday and act as if I never existed’. It hurts me so much. I am mad all the time. I wanted to ask you if you went ahead with therapy. Did it help?

  16. Surayya

    Wow Tiredofliars8, you said it so well. You right on the dott make us the crazy lady. We loose our identity in this bad relationship. Mine too became scared of me that I will leave him, he would woo me with gifts and more, than when I take him back he pulls the silent treatment. I also noted he d tell his family his friends I am the bad and crazy one. Shame on him he has adult kids and they know nothing of his behaviors, who he really is and what he really does. They don’t even care, stating” our dad is an adult what he does with his life is his decision”. What attitude!!. maybe when he ends up with full blown AIDS, than it is to see if they will care or not .
    Well I am in stage when I see him in his mind and my mind chatter with thoughts of him, I quickly brush it away reminding myself “He is living a life of Destruction and I am living a life of Wisdom” and I start my day.

  17. tiredofliars8

    Maria, Once they sense weakness in you they go for the kill. That is the one thing I learned for sure through my very long term relationship with my ex Narc. Most times I apologized it gave him satisfaction and I was no longer even a challenge and until I told him off again he would pull silent treatment. They drive you to act like a crazy lady. Mine became scared of me after awhile since he sensed I wanted out. I would say good!!! I am pyscho so leave me alone and hopefully you will get over me quicker and never bother me again. Guess what? He would come after me more digging deep in his arsenal of manipulation ie lavish gifts, vacations, love bombing etc which is why I got stuck in a roller coaster relationship for so long. Be glad it ended as it did. You did the humane and right thing by apologizing and they just take advantage of that. You dodged a bullet and cut your losses. The road to peace is near. Now you are free to find a great relationship without dealing with a crazymaking, soulless Narc. Good luck 🙂

  18. daveyone1

    Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..

  19. navigator1965

    When my narcissistic ex-wife was trying to provoke me into fighting and I remained calm, she’d get even angrier that she couldn’t control my emotions and my responses.

    You’re so right, Kim. Revenge isn’t the path to healing emotionally, psychologically, and especially spiritually. Those who follow the path of revenge are still allowing the narcissistic ex to control their emotions and behaviour, albeit indirectly.

    1. Maria

      I totally agree it is not the right approach and that it shows how the Narc still controls you but what if it already happened, before I learned all of this and that my Narc was actually a Narc not my “twin flame”, as he insisted? He provoked me so much like your ex-wife’s did but I crumbled and then he discarded me for being “crazy” and “unhealthy” which I swear I am not. I tried to apologize and ask for forgiveness and explain WHY I reacted as I did (eg, I learned that unbeknownst to me he had been emailing with his secret other woman while laying in bed next to me after making love and telling me all about his plans for our future) but he just ignored me, never explained why he did what he did or apologized and then told me that we are over forever. That was 4 months ago and I’ve not heard a peep from him since. So my suffering is a combo of feeling guilt and shame, anger and rage, and sadness and loss. It is the most confusing emotional state ever.

  20. Maria

    This is so spot on … I just wish I read this before my Narc got the best of me and I fell into the trap of “Hurt people, hurt people” or at least try because I learned the hard way that Narc’s never hurt.

    As you wrote in a comment, “even if we stoop to their level to get back at them, as a good amount (if not most) of us are empaths, we wouldn’t be able to live with knowing we did something horrible to another person.” I am now exactly experiencing this. I am suffering over all of the lies, injustices, and complete disregard of my Narc AND over being so angry at myself for turning into someone I am not and not having the strength and control to walk away and act indifferent as you advise. All of the advice is about why one should NOT try to exact revenge on the Narc but how can I heal, recover, and reconcile that I did. I feel like such a horrible person and am also so upset that he took this one moment of weakness on my end and made me into a crazy person while completely dismissing any and all of his crazy, cruel and exacting hurtful behaviors. Something just feels SO wrong.

    1. It is true that hurt people, hurt people. There’s also “When we know better, we do better” and that perfectly clear hindsight. It takes time to heal, to shake off the fog. I’m only 4 months out, and doing much better than I was, but still have a long way to go. I wouldn’t be even close to feeling better without no contact. I also had a 2 month respite from his stalking/harassment which helped a great deal. In this time out I’ve done so much reading, and I continue to read and talk to other survivors. Find a good councilor, and be gentle with yourself. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. <3 It gets better.

  21. Nancy

    What a perfect time for this post to arrive! Keep them coming!

  22. Kim Saeed

    Very insightful comments, Constance, especially about stopping the crazy cycle, because that’s all the “relationship” really is…and bravo on the part about revenge! 🙂

  23. Like the horrid, badly behaved toddlers they are, (although badly behaved toddlers are still so much better than narcs) *any* attention is good attention. Bad or good, doesn’t matter. It’s so important to stop the crazy cycle, to disengage for our own well being.

    There is no way to one up someone who has no conscience, no empathy, no boundaries, no self control, who the rules (any rules) don’t apply to – so therefore no forethought or foresight. Nothing is off limits in their quest for annihilation of their targets. Nothing. Like you said, even if we stoop to their level to get back at them, as a good amount (if not most) of us are empaths, we wouldn’t be able to live with knowing we did something horrible to another person.

  24. ann

    I didn’t even realize how badly I needed to read this today. Thank you so much.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing that, Ann. I’m very glad to know my post helped you in some way <3

      1. Michael right

        I’ve been with a narcissist for 21 years she didn’t break loose and have an affair until we work together for seven years and then seem to genuinely come back and we had a great 12 years and now is reverted back to being a full-blown narcissist going out with a disease filled man many STDs convictions a real dysfunctional person I read your part on not reacting at all as being the best way to handle it what I’ve done though is it appears that she will be coming back because there are many things coming up that legally that she has to handle so I have filed for a divorce and gotten all the evidence off her phone had a private detective and have filed for an absolute divorce so I’m going to let her stay and think everything is okay and then she will be disturbed the divorce papers in about 40 days and I’m told that when the judge reads about what happened and how it happened that the divorce will take place break quickly probably within 10 to 12 weeks it may not be the nicest thing to do but my anger over how long I put up with this has gotten the best of me this will be the first time in her life that she has put herself in the box that she can’t get out of and we’ll have to hit the bottom and pay for what she has done I hope she learned something from it I do care for her but she is so totally self absorbed and if I explained everything that happened it would make people throw up it was disgusting even knowing that he has STDs to continue to go back and re-exposure shelf there so many stories I could tell you that would just in your head about how disgusting she left me in the hospital alone knowing that I had a life-threatening situation and that was the first night she left the hospital Patrick clothes and went to this guys house and had unprotected sex and had only known him for three days anyway I could tell you lots more but I think everyone gets the point

  25. Lisa

    This is your best written so far. This one really spoke to me.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you, Lisa! I’m so glad to know my post helped you…

  26. Sunshine

    Indeed, no way that awakeking the devil’s wrath is smart or wise. Again, very well said Kim! We are better for walking away.

  27. Again, right on the money Kim. My mantra…”complete and utter indifference is the kill shot”. Love it…empowering.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you very much for your comment, and for stopping by 🙂

  28. Pingback: Was it all bad? | betternotbroken

  29. Carrie Reimer

    Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    excellent post by Kim, (again) Never ever try to beat the narcissist at his own game, you never win; even when at first you think you have, it is all an illusion and he has much bigger and worse things planned for you.

  30. Carrie Reimer

    Kim, truer words have never been spoken. you nailed it. Been there done that. The thing is they can recount everything they did wrong and what they should have done, or my ex could anyway. (when he was trying to win me back) Which just goes to prove they know exactly what they are doing and that is it hurtful and how to act in a loving way. They. just. do. not. care!!
    And now looking back with a clear mind on all the times he begged me back, there was always an ulterior motive, he wanted me to drop charges against him, I had resources he needed, I was not as broken as he thought I should have been so he had to come back and do a better job next time.
    Any time I did anything nasty out of anger, I heard about it forever more as proof that I was as horrible and he said I was. Of course he embellished it. And being a person with a conscience and empathy like all normal people I felt awful and he manipulated me with my guilt. It is never worth it for a person to try to get revenge because it will work against you PLUS he will always exact worse revenge on you. You can not out do a narcissist on cruelty, or vindictiveness; don’t even try. A person is much better off remaining true to themselves and getting as far away as possible. There is no “teaching a narcissist a lesson.”

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks for the comment, Carrie! Yes, they do know what they are doing, as most of their actions are intentional and motivated by the need for power and control.

      Gosh, your history sounds much like mine. Once I stopped being subservient, getting mad and defending myself, or lashing out…I “became” the crazed psycho he always made me out to be. No doubt, at the end before I left, I even surprised myself sometimes. I used to feel badly about it, but then I thought of abused animals that sometimes turn on their abuser. I was operating from a “lizard brain”, only trying to survive! That’s where they leave us after all is said and done…

      Very wise words about attempting to get revenge…”There is no “teaching a narcissist a lesson”.

      1. Surayya

        Kim if there is no teaching the narcissist a lesson than who will. How will he when will he.

        1. Kim Saeed


          This may seem a little bizarre, but actually the lessons are for us. Narcissists have no conscience, and therefore cannot engage in any self-reflection, They simply don’t care about hurting people along the way. However, our relationship with them provides many lessons for us…positive change, self-empowerment, self-love, setting healthy boundaries, etc.

      2. Kim,
        There is a belief that we are here on earth for our souls to learn lessons that I quite agree with. But if narcs are incapable of reflection, then what are they here to learn? What do they learn from failed relationships? Do they just exist without purpose? Also, going of off that idea, do they know that the relationship ends because of their abuse (even though they put it all on you) or is that also reflection?

    2. Deana

      He says nothing and I say I wasn’t all to blame and him doing this tells me he feels no wrong doing and I need to change I need to work at proving myself and he has said if hr is psyi g any the bills he can say and wat he feels and he tells me this is my p***y showing ownership then he goes ba k to were he stays then gives me silents I feel thee has to be someone else he de ies this and gets mad and calls. Me names and he blams me for his job losses and for the situation we are now I feel he his the problem too but he will no . Say it. Hurts so much I wish I could walk away I feel tortured. And I feel as if iv died I side

  31. betternotbroken

    Kim! You said it better than I again! Nostalgia can lead to your downfall AMEN! I called it rosy reminiscing, in my latest post and I wish I would have read this first. It is not only a downfall to survivors of abuse but all individuals who long for the “good ole days.” Excellent post. Let them go, find a new partner, a genuine one.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you so much for commenting 🙂

      Seems we were on some sort of shared dimension 🙂 Rosy reminiscing/nostalgia and how they drive us to deny reality.

      At least we’re stronger people for it…meanwhile the Narcissists remain the same.

      1. Anonymous

        Kim you are am
        Amazing person, u know every detail about narci

      2. Deana

        I have apologizes for the things iv done to my partner and I wanted him to do the same or just acknolodgr his wrong doings and he won’t he looks at me wit this look of anger that’s controlled wit co temtp

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