The Funeral – Burying My Grief

This is a re-post of an article I published once before.  Because of its title, it doesn’t show up in most search queries related to Narcissism.  However, it’s a liturgy that has been highly effective for me, as well as several clients I’ve worked with.  I created it because I’d tried many other methods, including counseling, for grief and regret that didn’t help.  This rite helped me on a deep level, perhaps due to the symbolism involved. 

The road to recovery consists of trial and error.  What helps one person may or may not help another.  If you are experiencing deep levels of grief and/or regret as it relates to your having been a victim of emotional abuse and you need help with closure, perhaps this article will be of help.  Namaste.

July 7, 2013 – 8:25 a.m. – Our past can affect us in many different ways, depending on our personality and the unique events that have caused us pain.  We find ways to cope, but often, the pain kind of stays there, underneath the surface, ready to appear at the least expected moments.  We become bound by our past so that living in the present can be a struggle.  We may succeed in repressing a painful memory for long periods of time, only for it to be resurrected by a random trigger.  Others stay stuck in a moment, ruminating over it, re-living it again and again.

For me, one such occasion is not having spent enough time with my grandparents before they passed.  I was under the controlling influence of a Narcissistic husband whom I would eventually leave.  The fact that I was the only family member absent when my grandmother departed has haunted me during the years since she passed.  The day before she died, I spent a little time with her in the hospital.  I was anxious and in a hurry to get back home because I didn’t want to upset my husband.  I knew there’d be repercussions if I stayed gone too long.  She looked at me with what I now know was the look of goodbye.  She knew it was the last time I would see her.  I wish I’d known it, too.

On the day of her funeral my ex, upon my return home, called me a whore.  That’s what Narcissists do.  They catch you at your lowest and kick you while you’re down.  Thus, not only was I not able to fully grieve the passing of my grandmother, I had to deal with someone who was supposed to love me being emotionally abusive.

Why?  That’s what Narcissists do.  They catch you at your lowest point and kick you while you’re down.  Thus, not only was I not able to fully grieve the passing of my grandmother, I had to deal with someone who was supposed to love me being emotionally abusive.

Regarding my grandfather, I didn’t see him for months before he left this world.  I’d stopped going anywhere because each time I left the house, my ex would harass me by calling an obscene number of times, keeping track of my whereabouts, and accusing me of “whoring around”.  I was completely cut off from not only my family and friends, but society as well.  I’d basically given up on any idea of a normal life.

I lost valuable time with two of the most important people in my life because I let a toxic emotional predator brainwash me and control my actions.  I can’t’ seem to forgive myself for either of these events.

Today, I am going to hold a funeral for these events which have caused an immeasurable amount of suffering in my life.  I share this because I think it will help me get past the pain, and also because it may be beneficial to some of you who read this to hold “funerals” for your own painful memories.  I also think that by releasing

I also hope that by releasing the ain of the past, I can apply the Law of Attraction in a more powerful way because I’ll hopefully be in a higher vibrational field.  If there’s one flaw in the LOA, it’s that there isn’t a clear picture of dealing with hurts of the past.

9:31 a.m. – While writing this post, I stopped to write an apology letter to my grandparents.  It was emotional.  Through all these years, I’ve grieved not being there before they died, as well as the lost memories I’ll never have the chance to make with them.  Regret is one of the hardest things to recover from.  This apology letter will be buried today.  I think I will go beside the river, tear it into little pieces, and drop it into the water’s cleansing currents.  I’ve created a eulogy…as follows:


To my pain:  You’re a big part of me.  In many ways, you’ve been as much a part of me as the color of my eyes and skin.  We’ve been together for a long time.  You’ve influenced my moods, my decisions, and my life.  This is hard, but today I am saying goodbye.

I have to let you go so I can move on with my life.  As close as we have been, the fact is you are holding me back.  I can’t really love, forgive, or be the best I can be unless I say goodbye to you.  I lovingly release you, and thereby give myself permission to forgive myself so I can move on.

**Keep in mind I am saying goodbye to the event/painful memory, not to the people involved.  That is another matter, and may or may not be appropriate to your specific circumstances.

The time is now 10:15 a.m.  I will update later today with the results of my ceremony.

**Find out what happened in The Happy Funeral – Releasing My Past


  1. Pingback: 8 Ways to Cut the Energy Ties with Your Narcissistic Abuser | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  2. Great post. There are regrets I have too of devoting myself to my husband at the expense of some moments with extended family members who have now passed. I have never thought of letting go of those regrets in that manner. thanks.
    (PS. Teela sent me)

    1. Kim Saeed

      Elizabeth, it was very cathartic for me. I hope it will be for you, as well <3

      P.S. – Teela’s awesome, isn’t she?

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this, Kim. I might try this to let go of all the grief and guilt I carry around. Thank you again.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for commenting, Firenice…it was very cathartic for me, and I’ve done it several times since for other issues. <3

  4. Trish Ping

    Hoping someone will see this I broke the no contact last night. I wanted to find a peaceful way to let go. This was after an email of
    I love you always have close your eyes you can feel it.. On and on. I handled that very well but the impact stayed with me thru out the week. Impacted other areas of my life. So in an effort to find peace in myself I send a positive email. The narc said we should talk I knew. I said I can’t and send more positive thoughts short but positive. Focusing on my journey with wishes for theirs. Stupid me. After hours of silence the narc gas lights me about 2am. References to you read these types of relationship need no contact. Feels like he telling me I’m the narc. Kim your messages keep me grounded. Yes its about my childhood that I need to take care of the inner child. Feelings rocked

    1. Kim Saeed

      Trish, thank you for sharing that. One of the reasons we often break No Contact in the beginning is because we don’t block the Narc from all avenues of communication. I know because it happened to me many, many times. Of course back then, when I went through it, I didn’t know about Narcissism and NC.

      I can also relate to your desire to peacefully let go. I went through that several times, too. But, not knowing about NC, I never blocked his email or phone number until the very end, thus leaving myself open for all kinds of crazy making.

      Don’t take his accusations to heart. If you really want to let go peacefully, send a final email (without accusing him in any way) saying good-bye, then fully block him from all avenues including your cell phone, email, and social networks. The “Letting Go Peacefully” has to be one-sided here, meaning you can’t allow them to have any say-so in the matter…it’s something you do for yourself.

      Here are some resources for Inner Child Healing: . Alternately, you could see if your local library carries any of them.

      Don’t beat yourself up. The good thing is, you can still fix this 🙂

  5. alienorajt

    Immensely moving, Kim – and I can identify with so much of it. Thank you for sharing. The letter of apology is a great idea. xxx

  6. Reblogged this on Teela Hart and commented:
    Kim has been instrumental in helping me to “over” the issues I deal with each and every day. Please go by and pay her a visit. It will be well worth your time.
    Thank you Kim. You are a light in the darkness.

    1. Thank you for re-blogging this. I’ve spent time over the past few days reading your blog and now this one. My heart, mind, body, Spirit and soul thank you deeply. Blessings.

    2. Kim Saeed

      Thank you Teela. Although I don’t get to interact as much as I’d like, you are in my thoughts very often…and you inspire me in ways you aren’t even aware of.

  7. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’d never thought of that. A friend of mine suggested I need to forget about the pain and regret that it would only create more regret. This is a perfect way to do that.
    I hope you don’t mind the re-blog.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I don’t mind, Teela, and in fact am quite honored that you did so. We cannot simply forget pain and regret. That’s almost the same as repressing them and to do so would eventually cause some type of internal chaos. This is a form of emotional release, which depending on our individual psyches, may be extremely beneficial. I do hope it helps you as it helped me. <3

      1. Thank you Kim,
        I’m sure releasing it will make all the difference and I’m sure I’ll have to re-direct and mentally release it many times over.

  8. imfree

    You’ve provided comfort, support, and compassion to many who’ve had relationships with toxic people. And reading about how your ex treated you when you came home from the hospital breaks my heart. It takes your breath away, doesn’t it? The complete lack of feeling, empathy, compassion? I’m sorry you experienced this. They (narcissists) do have a way of pushing us to seek real love and beauty, by showing us… what it is NOT.

    I believe your grandparents are in a place where they can completely understand where you’ve been and the pain you’ve experienced. They get it, and they’re with you.

    1. Kim Saeed

      imfree, thank you for such sweet and caring words. Yes, we do often end up finding the real beauty in life after having experienced this type of relationship. I am in a totally different place now, and I’ve never been happier 🙂

      And thank you even more for the encouraging words about my grandparents <3

  9. Pingback: The Happy Funeral – Releasing The Past… | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

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