Get a narcissist to leave you alone

3 Ways to Get a Narcissist to Leave You Alone

Narcissists can be quite bothersome.  If you’re mired in a relationship with one, you may feel you’ve ceased to exist because you can barely excuse yourself to the restroom without passing a Bill in Congress.  Not to mention that if your Narcissist is overt, you’re forced to deal with tantrums that make a two-year old seem like a Zen master.

Every day, readers around the world find my site by searching “how to get a Narcissist to leave you alone”.  While I don’t know each person’s unique circumstances, what I do know is how to get rid of a Narcissist.  Below, I share three effective strategies in the hopes that you, too, can become Narc-free and regain your ability to speak in complete sentences.

1. No Contact

There’s no way of getting around this one.  In most cases, the overt Narc won’t leave you alone because you’ve left lines of communication open.  In this case, you’ll need to be the one who blocks them because they likely will not block themselves, unless you’ve become an absolute basket-case with no money, no resources, and no hint of emotion left.  In short, unless you’ve become a Zombie.  After all, even negative supply is better than none in the Narcissist’s mind.  They’ve been known to check in simply to incite in their Discards a nuclear meltdown, only to hang up feeling refreshed and invigorated.  Why leave yourself open for that?

Even if they’ve found new supply, they usually cannot resist knowing that they still have power over you. So, while you’re sitting around with a white-knuckle grip on your phone, waiting for them to send you a text (with three weeks having passed since the last one), they might SMS you with “Hey” just to see what your reaction will be.  That doesn’t mean they’ve been looking at engagement rings or anything, it just means their new supply is at work and can’t talk on the phone, but the Narc needs to feed their ego a little snack.

Starving their ego will force them to find another source of supply.  You can do that by going No Contact.

2.  Show no emotion

Narcs are persistent little critters.  Sometimes, even when faced with No Contact, they don’t believe you mean it so they may feel inclined to “calm your anxieties” by showing up at your favorite coffee shop, even though it’s 25 miles out of their way.  In this case, you’ll need to reward their efforts by pretending you don’t see them.  This may trigger them to come over (uninvited) to your table.  Even then, they’re not there!

They’re counting on the advantage of being in a public place…where they believe you’ll have no choice but to acknowledge their existence.  When they initiate a conversation, assume the stance of one of the neighboring chairs, remaining completely indifferent to the Narc’s presence.

If they still don’t take the hint, pick up your coffee, exit the coffee shop, and proceed to get in your vehicle and drive away.  Kind of like one of the characters in The Seventh Sense who can’t see dead people.  The Narc will begin to wonder if he imagined the whole interaction, which equals instant karma for all their gaslighting attempts. *fist bump*

This may feel uncomfortable for Empathic people, or those who dislike conflict, but it’s important to remember the reason you’re being forced to behave this way.

3.  Pretend you’ve developed Tourette’s Syndrome

This is especially effective if you’ve been submissive and quiet during the relationship.  If you find yourself forced to engage in conversation with the Narcissist, throw in a few unexpected obscenities, at higher levels of volume than the rest of your response.  It might look something like this:

“I have a few pieces of #@*%# mail for you.  Should I have your mail forwarded, or should I #@*%# or #@*%# ?  (This should be done without changing your facial expression).

If the first two steps don’t send the Narcissist packing, this last one surely will.  Giving them the impression that you no longer have control over your speech should put to rest any remaining agendas they may have for blame-shifting and gaslighting.  They won’t realize you’ve simply adopted one of their behaviors.

©2013 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach

Healing from narcissistic abuse?  Join the Let Me Reach Facebook Community!

How to Do No Contact Like a Boss! Bestseller in three categories on Amazon!

Listen to this article on YouTube & Sign Up Below for your healing toolkit!

Your healed life starts with one step...

Get immediate access to this FREE recovery series to receive:

  • My top resources for narcissistic abuse recovery
  • Tips to detox from painful relationships
  • Strategies to overpower your addiction to the narcissist
  • and More!

Powered by ConvertKit


  1. Rianne

    Has anyone found a way to make them think it was their idea to end the relationship?

    I’m thinking the consequences of blocking the person might be greater if I initiate it, but if somehow they feel they decided to end it, it might be easier.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Rianne,

      I think many of us have wished for this and even tried it. However, I’ve rarely seen this work successfully except, perhaps, with a cerebral narcissist. The reason this doesn’t work is that when we put the ball in their court to end things, they usually come back at some point. So, you’ll have to block the person, anyway. The other alternative is, they never end it…but keep alternating back and forth between longer and longer silent treatments and worsening abuse.

      I tried this myself a few times…only prolonged the inevitable and made me more miserable in the process.

      Kim XoXo

  2. Carolyn Corben

    Sorry I just realised there are errors that I can’t edit. Eg. It should say walked with dogs ( definitely no hugs) and I wouldn’t make eye contact !!!

  3. Carolyn Corben

    I thought j was doing great on No contact. Mine for 8 months. I am almost myself again. Today he was in my local park where I walk my dogs. Supposedly he now lives 20 miles away! Do I really wasn’t expecting it. Said he had a driving job that brought him there. Yeah right ! Tried to walk the other wAy when I saw him but he called one of the dogs over (one we got together!) of course the dog ran to him and wouldn’t come back to me so I couldn’t just ignore him. I did say as little as possible with intention of showing him I didn’t care but effectively we walked with hugs for 20 mins where I just talked about my new dog.

    I amNow worried he will turn up again. Should I just tell him to not turn il like that , it’s not on and I don’t want To see him ?! Or ?

  4. Roberta

    I had a long distance relationship with a narcissist, so I was never really in his company, but still I am angry with myself for putting up with the lies and verbal abuse that I took over the phone. I have never tolerated this in my younger years, and it is bothering me that I was putting up with it at this stage in my life. I have refused to be friends at all now and have cut off all contact. It is just that my own foolishness is preoccupying my mind, and I don’t really understand why.In the past, I have had relationships with one or two people with certain narcassistic qualities, but this is my first experience with a full blown, according to all of your videos that I have watched, total narcissist.

    1. Jo

      Deborah, your post was in August, and now it’s February… I hope you found a way out! If not, please don’t delay any longer. Believe the beast when he says “people need to die,” because he’s talking about you. Even if you own the house and he doesn’t, you have to do what it takes to get out. Stuff can be replaced, you can’t be replaced. Inform the police, even if they’re losers in your city.

  5. Deborah

    I need to get an extremely dangerous psychopath/ narcissist out of my home, and need an absolute miracle in order to do so. This person is evil, and capable of anything. He harms animals, and always speaks of killing. He says to me “Die bitch Die.” He has choked me out before, and I am very lucky to be alive. He said he used the full nelson chokehold on me. He claims he used to work in Security, among many other jobs. None of them lasted long. He attempts to run over pedestrians on that suspended license of his. He says people need to die. He feels no remorse whatsoever. What I do not understand is why he let go of me instead of finishing the job? He could have so easily killed me, and probably gotten away with it, the way the police are in this damned city. I desperately need help to get this monster out of my home.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Deborah,

      I’m sorry to learn of what you’re going through. Have you contacted police or your local Domestic Violence center?

    2. Anonymous

      The person is damage, I have someone who is the exact same way. No matter how many examples or warnings you give them. They do the same behavior over and over. He is empty. Hide behind substance as his coping system. It’s scary because Every nasty thing he say about me is really describin himself. This is pure evil at its best.

    3. Susan Browne

      Dear Deborah; I feel so bad for you.
      I know how cops are; and it really just depends on which cop
      you get. Some will help you; some won’t. But it’s better than
      nothing, I guess.
      I would keep trying to get out. I know you would have already done that,
      if you could. I was in two mentally abusive marriages, and am now in low
      income housing, where others are abusive to me. I try to stay away as much as
      possible. I had to up and go. I had an abusive family(of course, don’t we all)
      and even had to stay with them for a week or so, before I started finding others
      in the community that I could stay with. Think of EVERYONE you’ve known,
      and TRY to find someone who might help you.You need some where to stay.
      I am disabled; so it takes me a while to get out. If you can work; use the job
      to make enough $ to fly the coop. Don’t tell him ANYTHING.

  6. Silja Nathe

    Thank you. Your words make sense for my individual Situation. I feel better already. I will buy your book to say thank you in terms of money. Thank you

  7. Anonymous

    I just have to say, this article cracked me up! I’ve just come out of a very abusive relationship with a narcissist and I’ve been reading A LOT. I’d forgotten how to laugh, and this article was both useful AND made me laugh for the first time in a long time. Thank-you 🙂
    (See, complete sentence!)

  8. K

    Thank you for this article. I stumbled upon it as I was looking for advice for my daughter. She is in a relationship with a Narcissist and is trying to break it off. However he keeps sucking her back in. They have only been dating six months and they are both in high school. This is her first boyfriend and we keep telling her this is not normal for any type of relationship. I know she is scared but your site has helped tremendously. She is trying “Show No Emotion”.

  9. Arline Mayer

    Kim I finally moved away. 1500 miles away. But I had not blocked. I went in hospital for a heart procedure. Three weeks passed and he called either drunk high or both. Said he was saying goodbye and it was good and I was the right one for him. I have not answered at all. Although until I started reading about narrsisists my heart thought I might. I’ve listened to you as well as autumn Blake. In the beginning I thought all these things. It’s amazing how this has opened my eyes. But after seven years with him the recovery I know will take some time. I am 20 yrs. Older. He is 40. I was a widow of 3 yrs. When I met him. I had money and good social standing. I’m a giver not a fighter. I was ripe pickings.

  10. Whatsnext

    Ok so great – what do you do if you have kids with him? He is using the kids to get to me…

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Whatsnext…sharing custody makes it more difficult for sure, but it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. I use the ‘extreme modified contact’ approach and it works like a charm.


  11. LaLa

    Thank you for No. 3 and your great sense of humor. I have been feeling so stressed out that I get dizzy and have shooting pain in my heart. I really need to laugh and relax.
    Every day I have to remind myself of why I do not need to feel sorry for the narcissist EX and why I am never talking to him again.

    Because I spent two month immersing myself with your articles and other education, I was able to do NO CONTACT perfectly by the time the hoovering started. Not only that, but I made sure my son also knew to go no contact, which he also did perfectly. No answering calls, texts or emails. Not even one! And one day, when he shows up at the door, I will not hear the door bell. Thank you for the advice on ghosting him in public as well. I am now prepared for that too! The joy I feel by shocking him out of his mind by not talking to him is so wonderful. I mean, he did say I talked too much, right? He never saw it coming with me. He really thought he had found his backup girl who would be there for the rest of his life. It’s easier to charm someone into loving you than it is to bully them into loving you after you have revealed your true (evil) nature.

    He raped my soul. There is no coming back or “getting me back” after that. He figured out how to twist the knife, pour vinegar on the wound, etc. and then two months later… “Need a favor. What’s up? Any mail? You were right.” Uh huh. Can he be any more predictable??
    thank you again.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi LaLa,

      Thank you for sharing. I can relate to how you are feeling and I wish you all the very best in your recovery. I know it feels like you may never heal from the damage he caused, but it truly is possible…though it does require lots of reflection, commitment, and determination.

      I am glad you feel empowered by not giving in to his hoovering, etc. Keep up the good work!


      1. Tanya

        Thank you for this article! I was in an 11 year off on crazy making “relationship” w one of these. I have been One Year No Contact….for the first time in all the discards he has finally left me alone! Yesterday I went to visit a friend… and he was at the house next door doing some work. He was blocking the driveway to get to my friends place. So I had to get out of my car and with absolutely No expression on my face or in my voice I simply said to him “Do you think you can move your truck so I can drive thru” I turned around and walked off as he replied w a little smirk on his face “Sure” that was the first verbal interaction I have had w him in over a year. Although I was shaking on the inside I showed NOTHING on the outside. Completely monotone. I got in my car and drove up to her house. Done!

  12. Sheri Plott

    My own nephew is the problem here…I cared for my parents for 32 years,my dad passed away a year ago….for the eleven years I cared for my dad I had to put up with my nephew’s daily and constant abuse…he came to visit my dad daily,his grandpa,and every day my dad and I received name calling,being robbed,our property destroyed… it’s weird with my nephew because my dad and I bought a car so I could have something to drive,we knew my nephew Brice would throw a major temper tantrum when he found out,which he did…he absolutely refused to admit anything was mine,my car,my dirt bike,total denial…any efforts to personalize my car were quickly met with destruction…I put a sticker on my back window that I bought on a trip to the beach,a rare treat for me…. I begged my dad to tell him to leave it alone,which my dad did,and my poor dad was met with a ” f%#$you! I’ll rip that thing off so fast!!!” And he did…he stripped the locks on the doors so I couldn’t even lock my own car….anyway,when my dad died he left me the house to sell so I could have the money to move and at 50 years old begin my own life….he terrorised me from day one,demanding entrance to my home,driving by constantly,basically stalking me…I was refused a restraining order because I could not prove his threats of violence……after I moved he quickly found out where I live,we live in a very small town outside of Bakersfield California,he destroyed me and my father’s house,tore it to pieces in an effort to keep anyone wanting to buy it….I knew he would destroy the house but the 2 acres of country property sold….I got a great job at an insurance company in Arvin,my hometown….a full year later he is still stalking me…the only words I hear from him are “bitch,slut,whore” whenever he drives by my office and sees me outside…if he isn’t across the street from my office he’s across the street from my home….he made friends with my neighbors across the street,how convenient for him to sit and watch me….I do not park my car at my home,he will destroy it first chance he gets….my neighbors down the street let me hide it in their back yard… anything I buy I have to keep it out of sight….I just wish he would get a life and leave me alone…I have tried a few times to get along with him,he likes not getting along…he even offered people money to beat me up and stab me so to disable me and prevent me from being successful with my ne w job and my life…no one would do it but no one wants to talk to the police either… I’ve learned to look for him while at work so I can be out of sight when he drives by therefore avoiding being called names….he also loves to break into my room,at my former home,and go the all my things,taking what he wants and destroying what he wished…where I live now he won’t dare step foot on my property…he wouldn’t do anything that will expose who he really is to my neighbors….I do now finally live a relatively peaceful life,but until I left that house I didn’t realize the damage all the years of name calling,invading my privacy and everything else had done….from Still Healing in California

  13. Meena

    I really get you on this. I’ve been thinking about it and no one covers this like you have. Sometimes the narc never gives up and I need to use quick, verbal surprises that I’m sure the narc cannot record. I’m glad. It’s empowering and I’m not lowering myself. The narc is the attacker and I’m only returning the projection. In case, it works out to my benefit, then the narc will be so manipulated that she’ll get a retraining order. I have been praying for it. Thank you.

  14. Rose

    Oh my goodness. I thought I was going crazy. I have a son with my ex. It has been so difficult. I feel like no one has taken me serious when it comes to dealing with him. Not the police, Child Protective Services, or from any other agencies. My ex’s father and grandfather where in law enforcement so the cops would just give him a slap on the hand and do nothing. I’m hoping to get full custody of my son and a restraining order.

    1. Lindsay

      I am going through the same thing, no one takes me seriously and no contact is not an option because he currently gets to FaceTime Monday,Wednesday, Friday and has day visits Saturday and Sunday.
      I guess the hope that he will eventually just leave me alone is not realistic but how do I show the judge that he is seriously unstable and emotionally abusive. It seems like everyone around me gets it and says that it should be so easy but the police and judges don’t. I am exhausted and all I want to do is protect my daughter.

      1. Lindsay

        Please any advice!? I know it’s not about our daughter it’s about me and filling his narc needs

  15. Andrew

    All of these stories made me feel much better about myself.

    I was in a relationship with someone who was extremely selfish. She even remarked that I obviously thought she was selfish and that her ex-husband and previous boyfriend (who she had cheated on me with) thought she was too. I was stunned she couldn’t understand the issue. I finally had to adopt the “no contact” rule. I had not talked to her or acknowledged her for over a year (a difficult task as she lived very close) when she suddenly texted me and asked if I would talk to her. She said she had done a lot of thinking. Silly me I agreed hoping to ride it out and move on again. The next text was one telling me she would see me at a particular hour of the day two weeks away. Did I say she had remarked how much she missed me? Since the place we were to meet was one I visited anyway I agreed. The first thing out of her mouth was that she missed me and hoped we could get together some time. I told her I knew we were both busy people and not sure it would happen. She then said, “Well, just call me and I’ll put you on my schedule.”. When I declined that honor she said, well she could meet me for lunch, . . in a month. I turned the tables on her and said I was going to a concert and I would be happy to pick up an extra ticket if she would go that particular day (I knew she wouldn’t commit). Her reply was “I’m sorry I can’t accept your invitation because “something might come up” and I’d have to cancel on you.”. I just looked at her for a few seconds then said, “Do I really have to say why I don’t call you any more?”. Then got up and walked out. Even then she’s tried emailing me with sexual suggestions to get me back in line. I printed them up and left them on her current boyfriend’s car. After a few hateful texts I passed her in the supermarket and she walked right on by without saying anything. Finally a successful conclusion.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Love it! Thank you for sharing your success story, Andrew! I hope others see it and perhaps even put it your work into action 🙂

  16. DeAnne

    Yessss to #3!! You actually end up having a good LAUGH! I even went as far as cussing him out and then asked him for money in the next sentence. I figured out that he uses his money to keep me close (pretending that he wants to take care of me like a “real” man”). So I used his own bait to my advantage! I even sold his car and cut off the cell phone which were in my name. He was still giving me money, thinking that I eventually would give him what he was USING ME FOR! After saving about $3K and finding out about another woman he was pursuing, my sister (God bless her) convinced me that what I was doing was no better than him. I was using his weaknesses to my advantage, knowing full well that this would never progress to anything other than me getting revenge. I was basically showing witch-like BPD characteristics and that is not the kind of energy I want to put out into the world.

  17. Anon

    I believe that I am in a reations ship with a narcissist. The first six months of out relationship was wonderful. “I’m finishing scho to be an attorney, I have “$20,000 in the bank to take care of myself right now, in two years you are going to be able to be a stay home mom like you want. Flowers, moonlit dates at his “special lake” that he had “never taken anyone else to. Fast forward to a year. Found out he was broke and borrowing money to survive, while telling me he was loaning money to family that needed it, that he had put $5000 on a diamond for a ring for me, that his car got broken into and all of his money and laptop stolen. “Could I help pay for things”-ie two destination weddings, phone bills, help with rent. While being a single mom and paying my own bills. He even went so far as to tell his landlord that his sister died and that’s why he was late on rent. When I was upset and we were fighting he goes to work and comes home and tells me that he was in a car accident with his boss and all he could think about was me because he thought he was going to die. (Or course this never happened either). He lost his job at one point and instead of telling me, he got up every day for a month and stayed gone all day while pretending to go to work.

    Fast forward 2.5 years. He still lies about stupid stuff, he is obsessed with gettinga big house, his “truck,” having lots of money. He has a decent job, but I have no access to his bank account. Meanwhile his fingers are in my purse whenever he wants to spend my money. Every time we fight and I tell him it’s over–he manipulates it to make me look like the bad person.
    He feels like he is too good for his current job and thinks he should be in a different position. He even told me about the job he got fired from the reason he got fired was because the job was beneath him and he was better than that. Although it wasn’t beneath him to let me work 60+ hours in a week at a bar just to be able to support him, myself and my son.
    He has no connection to normal emotion. He even told the therapist that while we were at a funeral he knew he should cry, but just couldn’t.
    The therapist which, by the way, he just quit going to without even canceling his last appointment. And then blamed her saying she never sent him an email telling him when to be there. Making appointments and not showing up is such a common thing for him. I expect it whenever he makes an appointment for anything other than things that make him feel good-like his bi-weekly salon hair cuts or a massage.
    Backing up-when it comes to connecting on an emotional level, he just doesn’t. He will show emotion when it suits him to get what he needs but that is it. To understand any feeling I have is over his head. I am going through legal things with my ex husband, my 12 year old recently threatened suicide and one of my closest friends is addicted to drugs and I am watching her die and I am stressed about christmas because of paying for all the legal right now. When I dumped all of this out to him, he flat out said, “I can’t understand why you are stressed.” He was in no means joking.
    He offered to take care of christmas, knowing what was on my list for my child, and when I brought it up he said oh, you still want to buy that? Sorry I can’t do that. Meanwhile he wants to buy a $700 tv on black friday and spends $100 on a tattoo consultation. Then tells me he is “broke again” because payroll screwed up and shorted his check $1000 and he “loaned his brother” $400.
    The only thing he doesn’t do is rage out. That usually winds up being me when we fight because he pushes me to my breaking poing and I snap. So I don’t know what to think about that.
    I told his best friend I want out. But I also told him i know he will smear me into the ground like he did his last ex. She lives in another state, so I don’t know how much he says about her is true, but I don’t believe any of it anymore. Supposedly she cheated numerous times, deserted her kids to go out partying while he took care of them and the home, and got pregnant by someone else and tried to pin it on him. Which, “shockingly” when I told him if she was that crazy, and if there was any slim chance it was his, he needed to get a paternity test/-she “miscarried” less than a week later.
    I could go on and on, and I know i already have. As i re-read this I have to ask myself why in the hell i am still here. Then I remember its that guilt and manipulation they throw at you, making you feel like the awful, bad, needy person. I mean, how can I get mad when “he willingly pays the rent every month” or when “he went out shopping for myself but I bought shoes and a sweater for you instead, or when he says “it’s gonna be hard for you to find someone who will love you and your son like I do.”
    Anyway, Im done. I’ve written a ton and there is still more! I think i just needed to vent this somewhere. Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. I stink on my phone keyboard sometimes. And if you took the time to read this novel, thanks!

    1. D

      Hi anon, you our strength is in numbers on Kim’s site. And you also know the answer to your problems. You are a hard working mother trying to get along in life and this parasite is using you for all he can get. If you wanted another child to take care of, I’m sure there are many adoptable ones that will be appreciative of your love, not this user. Who cares if he is a Narc, psycopath, sociopath he is bad for you

  18. Thank you a thousand times for the Tourett’s idea! My narcissist is very prim and proper–and mean. She can smile sweetly and say the most hateful things imaginable, but if anyone around her utters a 4-letter word, she becomes indignant and starts moralizing. I had never thought of using that against her. Our next conversation is going to be fun.

  19. Hi. I have done no contact since July 29, 2015. The times I had broken no contact before was to periodically remind the narc of his boundaries, that he needs to leave me alone, and that i have a real man in my life now. Well, this fool has called approimately 43 times and text messaged me 704 times, between July 29 to Nov 24, 2015. I have an app on my mobile that simply blocks all calls and redirects texts so i don’t see them each time. In reviewing, this fool calls all sorts time during the early morning…most likely when his new/old supply is in shower/sleeping or whatever. He has sent texts like, “look over the balcony” and such. I don’t. For all I know, this pathetic narc may be telling people I am doing something to him and my head pops out at the moment he wants it too; all to solidify his smear campaign. I am just steadily collecting them to show the courts when the time comes. Hopefully, this narc “madness” of his will stop!!! Very soon!!!

  20. T

    I finally realized I dated a control-freak narcissist for 8 years. During this time, he’s had various women on the side, friends and more than friends, that he contacted frequently. He stays in touch with all his exes as a way to keep track of what they’re doing and who they’re seeing. He would get angry if one of my exes called me out of the blue and encouraged me to change my number. He’d meet a new women, cause a fake fight with me to get me out of the picture so he can freely see the new women. Whe he realizes it’s not going to work, he comes back to me. Needless to say, we broke up over two years ago. After two months of our breakup, I felt I needed to call him and tell him how I felt. During this time, I knew he had already started seeing someone else and he told me it’s too late. I respected that and never tried to contact him again. Throughout the years, I’ve adopted the NC rule. He constantly texts me, I don’t answer. He calls me, I don’t answer. So he’ll call me from other numbers and when I hear his voice, I hang up. It’s been two plus years.

  21. Frustrated

    I have done the no contact. I’ve blocked his calls and he just finds another number to call from. I block that one and he finds another number to call from. It’s exhausting. They just don’t seem to understand the statement “leave me alone”.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I remember going through that, Frustrated. I changed my phone number and that help a lot. You’re right, they don’t seem to understand “It’s Over”.

  22. Robert

    I have an old childhood friend who became a born again christian pastor and is a major covert narc, and I NEVER return his calls, and yet he still calls..ugh..I tried to tell him to take me off his list of ‘souls to save’ but he’s a persistent little fucker..its just getting sad..i have a feeling he calls when his wife and kids are pressuring him to grow up and be a man so he reaches out for the old childhood narc supply ie me, and others. Once you understand how there identity is dependent on supply it makes sense how desperate they are, under the guise of ‘helping you’ if you need it.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing your experience, Robert. You’ve helped spread awareness that “Jesus Narcs” exist and can be even more damaging than garden-variety narcs – much to the chagrin of people who once believed religion is always safe and happen to be involved with or married to a Jesus Narc…you’ve just given me an idea for an article. Thanks! 🙂

  23. Serenity Willow

    Do you have suggestions on how to handle this…he owes me money ($2200) and I have things of his that he wants back (I can sell for maybe $500). I know he’ll never pay me back. Do I give the stuff back to avoid his rage? My friends say keep it but I’m scared of ramifications. I hate looking out my windows, jumping at noises and double locking my doors. I’ve even accepted a job that requires a move to another town just to get away from him. Btw I’m still in awe of the realization of what I allowed myself to stay in. Thanks

    1. Kim Saeed

      Serenity, if you have proof that he owes you money, you could take the issue to an attorney and let them handle it. Otherwise, whether you keep his stuff or not is up to you. You could also see if your attorney could help you with some sort of negotiation regarding his stuff that you still have – perhaps if he repays you at least a portion of the money he owes you, you would be willing to give his things back. I know lawyers are expensive, but if it’s something that’s really important to you, the best way is to handle it legally instead of trying to negotiate with a narcissist directly.

      I can relate to your awe in having stayed. I still go through that periodically, even at this stage of my healing journey…

      Best of luck with your new job!

      1. SW

        Thank you for the reply Kim! I broke! I agreed to see him, ONLY business I told myself…finances and loose ends The visit was short, he lied straight faced, looking sincerely in my eyes. The difference this time was that I knew the truth to his lies, It was funny in a sadistic way to actually hear those lies come out of his mouth. I felt like an actor in a play I wrote the ending to. Before I went to see him he asked for cigarettes and a coffee…of course I brought them, I have money and he doesn’t. I enjoyed the time spent looking at him (very healthy I might add, he bragged about getting in shape and eating healthy) he looks good considering he’s dying of cancer. I enjoyed looking at him from outside the box. I’ve decided to not feel bad about being used or believing his lies! I’m not going to allow him to stay in my head or in my thoughts (except this moment). I wish him and his family well, I wish his next supply wisdom and trust in her intuition and I graciously thank him for my experience with a narc! Without this he would still have control over me and I can now better help the ones I serve. Thank you Kim for this wonderful site, you’ve helped more than just me here…you’ve helped those that I will share my story with. Bright Blessings to you!

        1. Kim Saeed

          SW, thank you for sharing your story of growth and empowerment. I hope others read your comment and become inspired to leave their toxic partners, too.

          Thanks also for your kind praise. Your encouragement has given me my own spark of inspiration today <3

    2. Anonymous

      By keeping his stuff – you are keeping a connection with him.
      Also – he can take you to court which means he gets to feed from you again.
      Give him the stuff back.
      Forget the money. Your mental health is worth a lot more.
      Once he gets his stuff back. Go No contact for ever.
      Wish you well – you deserve better

      1. Serenity Willow

        In response to your concerns about keeping his things, I haven’t kept anything! Items given to the YMCA men’s shelter are always appreciated, after all, this is where the narc came from. It’s very freeing to not have contact with such a toxic slug!
        Bright Blessings :)))

      2. Lindsay

        I agree, I got really screwed over by my X narc. I bought a house, he trashed before I got him out, I have been trying to sell it now for a year, I bought a boat he kept it but I am scared to take him to court for it because we are also in court for our daughter, she isn’t even two and he wants over nights but I am fighting it. He rages, he drinks and is an abuser.
        People ask all the time why I havnt gone for my boat and basically it boils down to never doing anything to jeopardize my daughters safety.sigh

  24. Serenity Willow

    Hi. I am currently trying to withdraw contact with my x narc. After 3 years I am only now coming to the realization of the form of abuse he put me thru’. Yes I’m an empath and it seems to be his perfect match. I stayed even after sometimes daily fits of rage because he told me he had 6 months left to live. Cancer! Yes, he’s a miracle and perhaps my prayers saved him(makes me a miracle worker) OR he’s a big fat liar! Pretty sure after all the grandeous lies that he makes himself sick at times just to remind me he’s dying. It’s been a week of no communication back to him (he calls and emails numerous times a day) and I feel nothing towards him other that that knee jerk fear when the unlisted number flashes on my phone. I’m still in awe of what I tolerated from him only because I thought he was dying. Thank you for the confirmation of cold turkey/no contact. I cave whenever we talk because he’s so smooth and has a way of making me believe that I’m the crazy one who’s so unreasonable. Here’s to saving one other from endearing the anguish and abuse of a narcissis she thinks is “the one”.

  25. Jennifer

    Hi, You were right, I found your site by typing ” How to get a Narc. to leave you alone”..I have an EX-Narc who refuses to leave me alone, but only contacts me once in a while . lately it has been a lot and I am sure some of it is due to me ignoring his emails. It wasn’t enough that 3 years ago I told him off. He loves to contact, apologize for his old actions and then proceed to ask me out. I find him repulsive, and everything in me wants to tell him off, but I know it will just feed him what he wants, even if it’s negative, so I have learned to immediately trash his emails, and go find something else to do. I no longer feel the need to respond to him. In truth, I wish there was a way to block incoming email on gmail so I would never have the “internet” as a door that is open. I also have no footprint on the internet to ensure he has no way to talk to me. Unless he hires a P.I., he will never know where I am, where I work, or anything personal about me ever again. I fear I may never truly get rid of him. Sad part is , he is married, has 3 kids, he cheats on her constantly with LOTS of other women ( 6 years ago I was one of them-dumb me). I think it is a lot like being haunted by an entity you cannot expel. Thanks for your sight. All of it was accurate and relatable.

  26. As much as i chuckled at this.. it was sad cuz i can definitely identify with all of those scenarios. You’re left pondering if any real love even existed at any point. You go with the “i highly doubt it”.. option.. and then your heart breaks a little more and you stand firm as you try to stop all contact and move on.

    Harder to do when you work in the same company as them .. and on top of that, you’re an empath.

    One day, I will be there. 🙂

  27. Stella

    In 2010 I went no contact to a narc sibling. She continues to bully, threaten & curse letter, texts and calls. The only time I ever “broke” NC was in 2011 when I had an attorney write a cease and desist letter. I changed all my information and blocked her. She gets my new numbers and emails and continues. In 2014, on my attorney’s advice I responded with telling her to stop contact. It stopped for a few months and now is worse than ever. I have not spoken or seen her in 5 years, the only contact I’ve had with her in 5 years is to tell her to stop contacting me, yet she hasn’t. I’m ready to get a restraining order, which I’m sure I could get based on the physical threats she makes in her messages. Yes, the order may make her stop, but I’m also fearful it will enrage her more and she’ll become physically dangerous. Can anyone advise me on what I should do as Ignoring her and NC doesn’t seem to work. Please help me as her taunts and threats have left me mentally exhausted.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Stella, it’s often the case that getting a restraining order is the only way to make them stop. Keep in mind that doing so would certainly enrage her, but it’s either take a stand for yourself and continue to live under her tyranny or try to put a stop to it. If you do decide to go forward, let the clerk know that you fear for your safety and ask their advice. Take along copies of the emails where your sibling threatened you. Go to your local Domestic Violence center, file a case there, too, and see how they can help. Get all your ducks in a row, determine a safety plan, then seriously consider filing the restraining order.

      1. Anonymous

        I have a restoring order, and live in another state. The state he resides in will not serve my summons ,or my stalking warrant. Although I’ve blocked all communications, with him. He still contacts my family and my friends, and he continues to tell my family I’m an evil Villon and he’s a great man. Lol, alas still contacts my Facebook with fake ones he makes getting any information on me he can. This man was abusive in every way and also I feel lucky I’m alive.

  28. Christy

    So I have been discarded again! after more times than I can count in the past 3 years. I am in week five of no contact which I’m sure is killing him. I have always been the one to call first trying to fix the relationship. What I can not understand for the life of me is why he keeps showing up at the gym during the time he knows I’m in my yoga class?! He never says anything he is just right where I can always see him. I don’t talk to him but I have looked his way. One time he screamed my name out when he noticed I was ignoring him. If he doesn’t want to be with me and has a knew supply. Why won’t he just leave me alone? I don’t get this I’m very to all this

    1. Anonymous

      I don’t have kids with my ex but still it’s so hard. There is nothing I can do to get him to leave me alone. I have asked nicely, I’ve pitched a ungodly fit. I have cut people which is family so that doesn’t last very long. I am at my wits end.

    2. He told you by his actions. The narc does this to get a reaction out of you. Continue no contact. A person that truly loves you does not do these things or even play these games. Look up grey rock strategy and then practice acting like a grey rock. Be sure to be around “normal, positive, uplifting’ people around this time. These wonderful people will help you make the comparison between stable and unstable real quick. Then you will realize that you narc is hella unstable!!!

  29. ciara

    I took my two kids and fled a psychopath six months ago he came to visit a week ago and turned the happy home i created upside down. hes now staying in a hostel 1/2 mile away out boozing and enjoying his “holiday”. he had a meltdown screaming and shouting because i wanted to spend some time with a friend, he screamed at my 4 year old he was leaving and slammed the door turned up an hour later i had my dad tell him to leave. I have just established no contact as i cannot deal with it anymore i only want contact through our lawyers after years of being tormented i have to protect the kids. Heres the kicker im irish living in ireland hes american lives there his ticket to leave isnt until next monday he decided to stick around and torture us a few more days

  30. Happy Go Lucky

    My narcissist has been absent for a month now which is the longest he has been distant. I called him out on his lack of empathy and rages and wonder if that is what gave him the will to let go. He was so obsessed with our relationship and made it feel like a fairy tale. This is so painful!

  31. angel

    wow! i am just so happy to have found your blog! #3 is hilarious and i think i will use it if need be but i am doing full no contact at the moment. its great because he is an infernal bore! lol

  32. Pingback: Headed to New York! | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

    1. It's Me!

      I busted him. He started hoovering me just before or days after he married the new supply/other woman. His contacting was monthly either by email or texts and I fell for it. Finally, I told his pastor what he was doing and like MAGIC he stopped. He’s trying to stay in the “good space” so they can have their affair based marriage recognized by the church. He now must play “the good and faithful husband” Ro,e to fool everyone. The pattern has already been set. If he isn’t messing with me … he’ll mess with someone else. This is mistress/wife’s fourth marriage … I kind of feel bad for her … but not really. She knew exactly what she was getting in getting involved in with an unfaithful coward!

  33. l

    I love #3. Living in a big city, there are plenty of people you want to just stay out of your space. I’ve learned to act like a crazy nutter just to get rid of them. Lol!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Ha ha 🙂 Sounds like you’ve got a great action plan!

  34. Camilla

    Good article, but it’s hard when it’s a family member (like your parent) and when you yourself are over empathic (an empath). Currently, I’m the only one, out of five siblings, that is still talking to this person. I’ve come up with a few techniques to cope, but it’s so draining.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Camilla, I don’t know what your situation is, but some people in your situation have been known to cut ties with family members like that, including parents. If someone drains you like that, it’s best for your psyche and soul to keep as much distance as possible.

  35. Florence

    It has been three weeks since I left the narcissist… I have never felt better, the weird thing is I do not miss him but I read everything I can about narcissism it is almost compulsive… I wanted to talk about one experience I had when my son and I spent a week end at my narcissist ex home. I came back to the house and saw that my 9 year old was playing with a huge knife ( looked more like a machete, I am not exaggerating!). Seeing my son without supervision playing with this knife gave me a true deep unsettling feeling… I told my ex not to give a huge knife to my son to play with. My son spoke about this event today and ask me why did my ex gave him a knife to play with, ( it is not his dad by the way)my son never asked him to play with.a knife…My ex told my son’ do not tell your mom about it she would be very mad’ ,… I find that sickening and I believe my ex knew exactly what he was doing… It gave me chills. But I am wondering if I am overreacting as I often doubt myself being recently on my own… Why did he do that? I keep on trying to find answers and understand his behavior.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Florence, I’m sorry you had that experience, but I’m not surprised. Narcissists will use any method they can to instill fear.

      The best thing you can do to protect yourself is not go back to your Ex’s home, and especially don’t leave your son home alone with him again.

      No, you aren’t overreacting. That’s your intuition telling you this guy cannot be trusted.

    2. Why? because the narc likes to set up the scene. Your son doesn’t know whats happening, because he was just given a knife to “play” with; meanwhile the narc probably thinks that if he lies and says your son tried to kill/hurt him; that you’ll take the narc’s side. Because you’re to be soooooooooooooo in looooooooooovvvve with him. This is the narcs way of saying he is jealous of your son, setting up you and your son, and setting himself up as the victim. To the narc its like setting up props and actors on his stage…and the narc directs all of it. For this reason alone, never return to the narc. Since you’ve left him, and most likely before, he has engaged in a smear campaign against you. Rest assured, the knife incident will be another story for him to tell. Most likely he will say that your son was jealous and wanted to injure/kill the narc.

      I’ll give you an incident I had with an ex narc. I was invited to dinner to meet his family and friends. A get- together. i asked what the dress code would be? You know, casual or formal? He told me casual wear. The narc took time to tell me that there will be an old high school friend that he had a crush on for years, but not to worry because that was puppy love when he was younger. The narc said that he will meet me and gave me the directions to the venue before leaving. Well, when I got there the venue was posh. I already felt self conscious in my casual wear, but was not going to turn back cause i had just spent $20 bucks in cab fare to get there. When I walked in, the narc made sure to introduce me first to the high school crush. She was looking fabulous and fit in with the rest of the guests/family at the function. The narc then turned to me and asked why I wasn’t in my formal wear. I told him that he told me “casual wear”. Then he laughed and said that I misheard him. After meeting whomever he wanted me to meet, i went to get a glass of wine. The narc came up to me and told me how his high school crush was out of his range and that “she” would never consider him as he only worked in the car manufacturing business and she was a nurse. I excused myself from the party. The relationship…errr, show…ended that night. What an ass!!! So you see, they like to set you and your love ones up. Most likely, he never told the “crush” how beautiful she was because it would take the spotlight off of him. It was always about him. Truly sad….

  36. Jennifer Fox

    This is awesome – wish I could do this – and this is on the tee of what goes on. Bc I’m living it right now – he will call every now and again and says he loves me stop by are something try get me n my youngest son come home – the wort part is he for away with ever being diagnosed – but he matches everything that I have read everything and he believes it but as soon as it got close he was at multiple personality disorder then bipolar – bam long story short – he got rid of us stopped going to psycatrist or councleor now just as if he wants is to forgt all that happen including beating me up severls times and getting off with anger magamnent classes only and move on with life ! It’s crazy I do feel like I can’t stop talkimg to him and yes the life had been sucked out of me

    1. Kim Saeed

      Jennifer, I sympathize with you because I know what it’s like. I was still “in love” when I left my Ex, but I just came to the point where I knew he would never change and for me to be able to live, I had to do so without him or his toxic influence. The same goes for you. Consider implementing true No Contact, which means blocking his number and his email. Doing anything else only leaves a window open for him to keep coming and going as he please, leaving you in turmoil each time. I’m sure you don’t want to live the rest of your life this way. Let me know if you’d like to register for coaching or consultations…

  37. lmao love the tourettes idea! i kinda did this the last time he turned up uninvited. I ignored the first knock completely, at the second i turned round to look at the door to see him leering in through the little window and i shouted “what the @**@ do you want?
    It was a small thing but i think it totally back footed him. he later emailed saying he was sorry hed responded to my aggression with his own but what did i expect him to do when i refused to answer his emails/txts etc. Its made me laugh to this day and im still glad i did it, i think it was totally the right thing to do 🙂

    1. Kim Saeed

      😀 Thanks, Magpie! That last one was really for laughs, but a lot of people have admitted to doing it. LOL.

      As far as his attempt at justifying his actions, “what did u expect him to do when u refused to answer his emails/txts etc.” Well, typically people take that as a sign to back off. Only unbalanced people feel the need to force their presence on someone if said someone is ignoring them. It’s rather pathetic that they think we should be accepting when they show up uninvited after we’ve attempted to block them.

      1. He had txt me at work in the morning asking if it was convenient for him to call round which i ignored as i was at work and we were no longer together, i thought id reply in the evening and set a convenient time. An hour later he followed this up with an email, again i ignored. On going home i drove past my house and went to the shops, checking to see if he was waiting. I wasnt looking hard enough, he mustve been sat across the road. Id been home less than 5 mins before he was at the door!
        I agree it really wasnt normal but ive come to expect that of him now. Im more on my guard than ive ever been but advice from people like yourself helped me enormously that night, i went on the offensive for the first time ever, it was the last time i saw him. Im not saying hes gone but it was the last time i saw him. It will always make me laugh and it gave me back a sense of power, for the first time i was in control. I shut the door in his face as he was in mid angry sentence, i never heard the end and didnt care. So liberating! 😀
        Your post is hilarious and if youre safe to do so id highly recommend it, both empowering for you and unnerving for the narc!
        Thank you x

      2. HM

        OMG. I blocked my ex from contacting me through email, phone calls and texts and facebook. I wanted to make sure there was no way for them to contact me. What was their response? To send me a text to my phone through their email account!! I didn’t even know you could do that! Which is *exactly* what they were counting on…but seriously, what sort of person does something like that? You would think that blocking someone would indicate to them that they need to BACK OFF and respect how you feel…not find a way around the block. That experience, right there is what led me to realize how sick they are, always were and probably always would be. I stopped feeling responsible at that exact moment.

  38. elise

    This did bring me some joy, as for any article that I am now furiously researching, any and all informtion is helpful to me!!!!!!! Thank you so much for bringing this challenge to me. Serious but light… Refreshing!

    1. Kim Saeed

      I’m glad you found something helpful here, Elise!

  39. enlightened

    I really enjoy reading your articles! Its given me so much insight.
    My husband one time asked me why I liked one of your articles on FB and was so angry with the contexts of the article..he said he emailed you to state his concerns. I think he said something in the lines of you were brainwashing me!
    Keep up the great work! Xoxo!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Sounds like he was afraid you might come to realize something he’d rather you didn’t know!

      I receive many emails, so I’m not sure which one could have been his. Either way, I’m very glad to know you enjoy my articles. Thank you for being a follower!

  40. Anonymous

    The potential problem with #3, is that the Narcissist may be recording anything you say. If you include your response with obscenities, the Narcissist will replay your words to others, reinforcing his/her contention that YOU were the evil one, not them. The best way to deal with the Narcissist is NO CONTACT, EVER AGAIN…

    1. Kim Saeed

      Someone, you have a valid point. This post was really more geared toward comic relief.

      On that note, two can play at the recording game. However, as you mentioned, the best way to deal with them is No Contact, or Limited Contact in cases of shared custody…

  41. Laura Ellsworth

    LOL on the third! N Ex actually HAS tourettes, though its mild (only head jerks now). If I were to do that, he would DEFINITELY try to take our girls away, and they would NOT be safe.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks, Tiffany 🙂 I had a few laughing fits while writing it!

  42. Oh my god, I laughed at #3, but it’s true…I only did that once though and it was before we went no contact. Unfortunately I have to leave a line of communication open with ex because of the kids…it’s email and online, thank goodness. But I swear, if I say/ask for one thing, he will go to whatever length to do the opposite! So it is literally a game…an exhausting stupid one, but to “get what I want” (or what the kids want) I have to pretend or ask for the OPPOSITE, or show that I don’t care about something that I need or want for the kids. The only other option is to fall back onto our court order (which is unfortunately VERY vague) whenever I can, and repeat the message when he breaks orders around communication or child battles (and honestly, I have to pick and choose these too, because it’s just tiring to do it for every one…eventually he tires of it. If I didn’t have to be a good model for the kids, and felt like it wasn’t right to not be “above it all”, I seriously would play his game too. He’s not as smart as me, but I can’t let him know that because it makes it worse for the kids when I do. Laying low and pretending is hard…maybe that’s why I’m so mad some days!!! Arggg…great posts

    1. Cheryl

      You could be me, and I could be you. Ex believes that if my 5yo daughter asks for something, it’s because I told her to and he won’t do it. Unfortunately my daughter will have to learn how to play his game when she’s older. Thankfully, she’ll have a good teacher. 🙂

  43. Number 3 made me LOL as that would be my response at this point. I think I would almost wisper the regular parts of the sentences, to add that extra punch to the cuss words. LOL 🙂

  44. Carrie Reimer

    You had me laughing Kim, sadly I can relate to most all of the above. The text ‘how r u?” I would wait a few hours to reply, telling him how I was. 3 weeks later still no reply then when you’ve finally given up ever getting one another “Hey”. The “happened to just be driving by” 60 miles away from where he lives (because I left the town). Then the bs of he missed me which in the end boiled down to “Do you have $20 I can get, I’m really broke.”
    The 2nd last time he pulled the dropping by thing, I laid down on the couch and went to sleep, I woke up as he slammed the door.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks, Carrie 🙂 I’m sometimes struck with twisted humor, but the truth is, I also endured the same things. If I could go back in time for a day, I would have a LOT of fun with what I know now 🙂

    2. Denny

      I can’t tell you how many times my “best friend” stopped by to borrow $20 or ask me to put some gas in his car (yes he even ran out in front of my house one time) or a pack of cigarettes because he is broke. days, weeks will go by with unanswered texts or calls and then he just drops back into my life and in 2 seconds asks for something

Share your thoughts...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.