Narcissists, Porn, and Sexual Dysfunction

Are you having issues in the bedroom with your narcissistic partner?  Have you been persuaded to do things you swore you’d never do just to stay in the narcissist’s good graces and try to prevent them from cheating?  Do you hear on a regular basis how boring and frigid you are and wish you could have close, meaningful relations instead of feeling like a star in an adult smut movie?

I talk with many people regarding their intimate relationships with Narcissists. Narcissists are generally exhibitionists and sex is just another method of getting attention and admiration.

They also watch lots of internet porn.

Narcissists are threatened by a partner’s sexual and emotional needs.  Because of this, most narcissists prefer internet pornography and self-gratification to mature, intimate sex.  This explains why articles related to Narcissists and sex describe claims of sexual addiction – claims used by the Narcissist as smoke and mirrors to cover up their affairs and porn addiction.

Narcissists commit adultery and have extramarital liaisons for a variety of reasons including control, power, attention, and because they get bored easily.  This explains why partners of Narcissists almost always catch them on online dating sites and why narcissists are often addicted to internet pornography.  Research has shown that the more control narcissists have over sex, the more gratifying the experience tends to be.

This addiction can lead to porn-induced erectile dysfunction, which they then blame on their partner(s).   Affected partners become traumatized, depressed, experience body-image issues, and these issues often spill over into other areas of their lives, like work and child-rearing.  Shamed partners often turn to coping mechanisms such as food, drugs, alcohol, plastic surgery, and/or finding an affair partner or, they completely shut down sexually.  In severe cases, affected partners have attempted suicide.

So how does the frequent viewing of porn/masturbation result in erectile dysfunction?  The mechanics include the following:

  • The need for higher thresholds of excitement
  • Causes lack of sensation and/or lack of desire
  • Lack of intimacy with partner and inorgasmia; which is not only caused by lack of sensation, but can be due to “edging”, which is when someone reaches the point of climax and stops themselves in order to prolong the porn experience, which then transfers over to relations with their partner
  • Persistent viewing of porn causes increased need to view because the dopamine receptors in the brain are stimulated over and over again, causing high tolerance
  • Perpetual refractory periods causing less desire to have sex with partner; they have no desire because they’ve been watching porn and self-satisfying
  • The problem isn’t necessarily in the genitalia, but in the mind…desire is rooted in the brain and over time porn/masturbation causes dopamine overloads/short-circuiting/burnout so that sex with a partner doesn’t achieve the same kind of result
  • Creation of an idiosyncratic masturbatory style – masturbating uses a different kind of friction and pressure than one would experience with a partner/intercourse, which acclimates the person to a new kind of physical pressure that desensitizes the person during actual sex
  • Often can’t be treated with traditional drugs (Viagra, Cialis, etc.) like “traditional ED”.  Although they can provide blood flow to the genitalia and cause an erection, the person often cannot achieve orgasm because the main problem is rooted in the brain, which has been desensitized from porn

Again, not all porn addicts are Narcissists, but a high percentage of Narcissists are addicted to porn.  If you’re not sure which category your partner falls into, look for their willingness to overcome their addiction with your help.  If they blame their condition on you, or refuse to talk about recovery, chances are high that they are a Narcissist.  Even if they’re not, you’ll want to consider the possible effects on your mental and emotional health if choosing to stay with a porn-addicted partner who shows no desire to stop.

Besides, porn has humanitarian and ethical implications, including the following:

  • Increased demand for porn has caused an increase in human trafficking
  • Lower quality of life for people in the sex industry (in general, not in all cases) –cases of violence, emotional abuse, threats, etc. for people wanting to leave the industry
  • Causes unrealistic expectations for young teens, first sexual experience is often porn, long-term ramifications for normal relationships
  • Virtual infidelity –people begin to prefer porn to their partner(s), cannot be aroused by partner(s), people who watch porn often fake orgasms with their partner and then go watch porn to please themselves; dilutes connection with partner/spouse – often leads to increased real-life infidelity
  • Studies have found correlations between pornography use and marital/relationship instability; those who reported being happily married were much less likely to report use of internet porn
  • Pornography use has been linked to higher rates of divorce, extramarital affairs, lower rates of happiness in marriage/relationships and with life in general

This article isn’t meant as an argument for or against porn.  There are enough debates on the subject centered around sexual autonomy, choice, feminism, and other societal considerations.  Further, some older couples report that the mutual viewing of porn has helped spice up their romance in the bedroom…Though, there are very real societal ramifications linked to internet porn.

This article was written to help traumatized partners understand that if their Narcissistic partner blames their ED on them, there are very real physiological and psychological reasons why this may be happening, which have nothing to do with affected partners.  If this describes your situation, please seek professional therapy, and if your partner shows no signs of change, you may want to consider ending the relationship because the situation will only get worse.

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Comments

  1. Alexis

    Interesting article and spot on. I just read your other article about the Cerebral Narc. also spot on.
    They truly believe they are smarter than every single person they know. And they use sex to control you. Yes.

    I was married to one of these creatures for several years, and the sex at first was good. Then along with the hours in the man cave away from me, the sex dwindled and then stopped. Tried getting books on sexless marriages, to no avail. I caught him not just looking at porn, but adolescent porn. Counseling did nothing.

    I stayed for many reason for longer than I should have. But I will tell you this, after having several of these creatures in my life, I have finally broken myself of the habit/addiction. Knowledge is power, even though at first it can hurt. I actually had one of the overt narcs call me to go to lunch after 5 years! At that point I was immure to his charms, and out of curiosity went. I sat across the table looking a a very sad, pathetic man who had boi changed one single bit. I know what you say and others say about narcs is true. They will never change. Staying with them is like smoking “hopium”. The arrogance of him thinking that after 5 years, I would still be single and waiting for him to show back up is astounding. He really thought that I would be thrilled to be with him again.
    Towards the end of the lunch when he realized I had changed dramatically from the woman he knew 5 years prior, he got visibly angry, and he got up and it was time to go! I think he was pissed off that he had bought me lunch and didn’t get any supply, an realized he wasn’t going to get any.

    I walked away feeling a bit weird, but strong. I know then and there I had grown.

    And that is really where the gold is. When you realize you are not that woman anymore. And you can smell these creatures coming a mile away now. And that reenforces your self esteem to keep growing and keep rejecting these sick people.

    I not only got all the narc men out of my life, I had to end a couple female narc friendships as well as they had become intolerable and abusive. It was really hard and really lonely for quite a long time, but I saw a video put out my Meredith Miller that said sometimes getting rid of all the toxic people in your life IS lonely and you may only be down to one decent person in your life, or may only have a dog. That hit a chord, and I went through a real grieving process, but there is light on the other side. You eventually find new friends, and a sweet dog that is loyal and loving is a lifesaver on those night when all you do is cry.

    I know this may sound odd, but on some days for short periods of time, I am actually GRATEFUL for having gone through all the trials with the narcs in my life. I learned a spiritual lesson, and for the first time in my life I was able to heal some of my early childhood wounds. And that is all that matters to me now. Growing and healing. Not that I would wish one of these creatures on anyone, because their abusive manipulation is like walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

    But if you can concentrate on yourself and ask “What is the lesson here?” “How have I grown?”
    “How do I want to live my life in the future”. “What kind of people will I accept into my life now”?
    then you will realize that were it not for the narc, your perspective might have never changed.
    That maybe the universe sent him to you to complete some sort of karmic cycle, or to help you heal.

    It is my belief that the truly profound things that change you and make you stronger are often paradoxical.

    Thank you for all that you do, if each one of us could do what we can, whatever that is, large or small, then together we can help each other and change the world, even if only a small corner of it. Peace to you Kim.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing and for your kind praise, Alexis. I, too, am grateful for the painful experiences and have written about it before. It truly is a spiritual lesson and one that can help us shift into higher levels of peace and fulfillment. I am very glad to know you’ve experienced this shift, as well.

      Wishing you all life’s best.

      Kim XoXo

  2. My husband of 16 years is a textbook case as described. He watched porn all the time and said he just enjoyed it. He also said he never got enough sex from me so he had to gratify himself using the porn. He said there was never enough sex between us. I even did the swingers sex, to help him staly interested. ( I never enjoyed it and felt so dirty) Like the article said he was always looking for the next bigger and better sex game. He always had a girl on the side, which he always denied until I showed him proof. I kicked him out to go live with his latest girlfriend, however, he wants to keep us both. I have blamed myself for so long there is not much of me left. I am trying to rebuild my life and move on but its the heardest thing I have had to do. The mental abuse that narcisists put us through is far worse that the physical abuse I received from my first.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Rita,

      I am sorry for your struggles. I know it’s been difficult for you. Many people like you have gone through similar experiences. The good news is, these are dysfunctional patterns that can be changed and it’s never too late to be happy. I’d like to invite you to join us in my program. You can check it out here.

      It will take some serious discipline and perseverance, but it’s absolutely possible to finally break free and begin to heal from all of this.

      Kim

  3. Linda

    Interesting article, makes complete sense now. Never able to achieve orgasm… watched porn ALONE, blamed me for his shortcomingss

    1. David DeMars

      You are worth more than to let your lover watch porn alone, I’m sorry.

  4. Just me

    Hi I read your words, it is so sad. I feel your pain. It is so hurtful in so many levels. I am a strong person but this is
    Emotionally draining I leave broken ugly sad unloved. I use to cry now I have no more tears left. I tried just
    Letting him do is own like . As long as I keep quiet he is happy. My needs are meaningless. I go like 8 9 months with sex while he pleases himself right as soon as I leave a room turn my back leave the bed or shower. It is the
    Most damaging thing I ever felt.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Oh my goodness. You deserve much better. I hope you find a way to leave…

      Kim

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  6. Gary Collier

    Narcissists and Porn are synonymous. They thrive on kinky to feed their hollow being.

  7. Kristi

    This was eye opening and explains so much! I thought his rejection was me but it was really all him. Doesn’t fix anything but now I know.

  8. Shanda

    I was in a 4 year relationship with a narcissit who was addicted to porn. I was sexually, verbally, financially and emotionally abused on a daily basis. I had a relapse of an eating disorder which I was hospitaled for 5 months after he discarded me like trash. I was brainwashed into beilving I was nothing, no one would ever love me and I tried to commit sucide. This form of abuse is extremely serious, should be more awareness. Im destitute, a shell of the person
    I was and hes walking the streets free to do this to anyone else he wants at anytime. Thats hard to live with when your trying to rebuild your life. Thank you for your articles. They are very helpful.

  9. Pingback: Help! My Narcissistic Partner Won’t Stop Watching Porn! - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

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  11. michelle vasquez

    Oh my gosh, this totally describes my bf of ten years. I never knew what narcissist meant until recently. I thought he was bi-polar, but I believe he’s both actually. Thanks so much for teaching me something new. Great info.

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  14. Laurie

    Oh my gosh finally I don’t feel like the crazy one! I have told my X narcissist this from day 1 of our relationship. I said this an cheating are deal breakers! All these things I said to him an little by little some how he still brought these things in our life until I was the bad one .I was told yes he would rather watch porn an screw himself than me.Because either I was 2 fat or 2 this or that!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Laurie, thank you for sharing…and thank goodness it seems you’re no longer with this guy. I know it was painful, but at least now you have the power and insight to let the next one eat your dust should he even dare to mention porn to you 🙂 As long as you maintain your boundaries and show up as your own best friend, this situation will never happen to you again. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

      Kim
      XoXo

  15. Interesting article!

    My ex N was addicted to porn at a very young age & we had a lot of trouble he would watch porn while we were doing it or just after it made me feel disgusted and bad about myself. When I got suspicious of him cheating on me I open his email and found an absurd amount of subscriptions in dating and porn websites, including a lot of emails with video attachments of naked women and other facebook accounts where he was trying to get more victims.
    In my case he wasn’t the type of not wanting to have sex on the contrary he wanted to do it all the time and he felt good when he could make sex last long it was like a goal for him, only when he was cheating on me he would come with some excuse like I feel bad about doing it because of my religion.

    1. TANE Trujillo

      OH man I’m so grateful that I decided to test to see if my husband were a narcisist as my gut told me was and I also had a hunch about porn addiction my guts were right he tried to convince my I was jealous and insecure and crazy I knew I wasn’t inside but he lied so much and if I caught him still deny it it pissed me off cuz I he still lie Man it is frustrating to be lied to and they know ur not stupid He cheats porn SORRS web sex and I caught him still lies . It’s so frustrating but I feel so much better that I had validation for my feelings thank you all who have been down this road . I’m not insecure he is love TANE Trujillo

  16. Chris

    I know my X Husband’s narcissism was born out of childhood sexual trauma by a psychotic foster brother. In order to cope he normalized and searched for ever more degrading porn. His “kinks” were not cute and fun. Then he used the “secret” of his experience to manipulate and extract all sorts of things from his parents. He still does at age 50.He is entitled to everything they have because they didn”t protect him. thankfully our marriage was over in 5 years. His family has to put up with “the monster they created”(his actual words) forever. My point I guess is the closed circuit creation of trauma and porn along with those who profit from it is tragic, really.

  17. It's all about you . Com

    My husband of 6 years was out late always “to work at the office ” caught him got the credit card bill porn porn porn I have been lied to for years …. Our lack of sex .. Blamed on me … When I beged for sex my fault or I am tired or my sex drive is lower now I am older (in his 40’s) never ever went down on me ever he said I don’t like to do that. I had a meddling friend that used to cause trouble that told me like the week I was to get married his business partner told her he is a porn addict don’t marry him ……. I did thinking she was making trouble ….. Well now I am countiplatimg divorce ….. Omg this sux the lies the mistrust the self esteem issues are HUGE right now I am seeking councling does any one stay married to this issue or this person ? Lost and PISSED off

    1. D

      It’s ok to run! Go to counseling, but leaving is the only way to make it stop!

  18. Pingback: 5 Narcissistic Abuse Hacks – A Cheat Sheet for Decoding the Top Narcissistic Manipulations | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  19. Anonymous

    I totally agree with most of this article except for the sentence about the “older couple” using porn to spice things up. I would delete that because it completely negates all the rest of the article. As an older woman who discovered her partner had a secret porn habit, I was not thrilled nor “spiced up”. I am furious for ethical reasons for starters.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Anon, I understand where you’re coming from, but if an older couple watches it together, then there is typically no secret habit going on behind the scenes. The whole point of my article emphasizes the deception and secrecy of one partner who does this without his partner’s knowledge, not when the random older couple does it as a joint activity.

  20. Mary E

    Wow, Kim, what a great article! I found out quite by accident about my Ns porn addiction. This was after we had been engaged and together for 6 years. He had been telling me all along that he was “asexual” . According to Lundy Bancroft. ……he was telling the truth. I chalked it up to chronic sinusitis and felt sorry for him. I was shocked, felt betrayed and thought maybe, being older, was just not attractive enough. I pretty much opened Pandora’s Box or Bluebeard’s Castle while googling for “drought” on the cellphone and found “red-headed. ….”. I sent him to SA and he came back with the info that they are required to be celibate. Anyhow, at this point I feel that if he wants to wank, let him wank. What it is, is a very immature stage of development…..as is Narcissism IMO. I did not cause it, I cannot control it nor cure it. The article helps me to detach. Well done!

  21. Anonymous

    Hi Kim, wow its amazing the enormity of experiences of others being with a narc is both fascinating and saddening. I had been a sucker for a malignant narcissistic sick porn addict/sadistic selfish nasty piece of a misogynistic loser for 6years…since my breakup/escape would be more fitting word.. I’ve learned to love me more and not tolerate loser men who are literally wankers/jerk offs.

  22. Sigmund Freud

    I’d like to see some hard data and scientific empirical evidence behind your claims. Such as, footnotes, quotes, and where to obtain your statistical theory. For now…,that is all you have….theory. Woe to the narcissist whom claims there view is the only view. Sounds like you may be writing your own agenda here and wishing ED on men you feel are sexualizi g outside of the bedroom. Remember it’s fantasy not reality. A narcissistic person would rather film and watch their own selves. Kinda like writing a subjective article with no therapeutic credentials to have others praise yourself

    1. Kim Saeed

      Dear Mr. Freud,

      That’s a bit nervy of you…coming here and screaming fraud when you haven’t presented your own scientific evidence AGAINST this particular concept. A quick Google search will provide many reliable sources that will demonstrate that too much porn does indeed cause ED. To make things easy for you, I am offering this link so you can check out the data presented by an educator in anatomy & physiology (he provides numerous resources such as expert testimonies and scientific studies): http://yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-and-porn.

      However, if you’re not interested in any of that and want to find justification for one to continue their little porn habit, I’m sure you can find that, too. Oh, and I feel moved to point out that you made a grammatical mistake in your comment, “there view” should be “their view”.

      Thanks a bunch, though, for stopping by.

      1. Vanessa

        To Sigmund Freud and just the fact that you call yourself that indicates to me that you are attempting to big note yourself. What do you care what others think about your habit if you think nothing is wrong with it. Stop trying to justify, that in you own mind that you are unable to. Fix yourself before you attack others. End of story.

        1. Kim Saeed

          Precisely, Vanessa (thank you for your support, btw). I’m trying to remain open to the possibility that Mr. Freud is stuck in his namesake’s phallic stage. (.﹒︣︿﹒︣.)

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  24. Mary

    Oh good grief that happened to me as well. Towards the end of our “relationship” my narc started watching porn while we were having sex. Later on he couldn’t finish the job. Now I know why. Boy, I’m really starting to feel sorry for the new girl he has. She has inherited a real big mess of a man. Alcoholic, porn, multiple relationships, a self professed gigilo, (sp)? He confessed he had sex with the bank presidents wife (where he had a loan) and flaunted that in the guy’s face….what a piece of work. One of these days I’ll compile the big list of stories and put them on here, just so we can all compare notes…and learn to run for the hills if we EVER deal with this type of person again!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Please do, Mary! I’d love for you to submit a guest post 🙂 Education is crucial!

      1. Mary

        Kim, I will. And I will be detailed. Where do I go to write a guest post please?

          1. Mary

            You can post me as Mary, I have nothing to hide, and maybe someone else who has dealt with this man will recognize him and understand. Let me get my thoughts together and i will send this. These people need to be stopped before they destroy more lives. Thank you Kim!

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  27. sexual reboot

    Great post. I think we will see a the percentage of porn addicts steadily increase for the next few years until Porn-Induced ED becomes more mainstream.
    I run a forum on the subject and I’m seeing the age of sufferers being younger and younger every year, with some 15 year olds being addicted to porn.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing! From my research, it does seem to be a growing epidemic, and society, in general, doesn’t appear to be aware of it.

      Gosh, how sad regarding some addicts being as young as fifteen. I have to wonder if this may negatively affect the population on a large scale over the long term…

  28. Poncho

    My soon to be ex-narc has an extensive porn collection…of him and all of his ex-girlfriends. Yes all of them. I also caught him on dating sites and trying to contact other women. We even went to a party at one of his ex’s in San Diego where I got a really weird vibe from her…later that night after I went to sleep I woke up and caught him in her room in his underwear. Turns out she’d been the one he’d been confiding to about how “crazy and unstable” I was. She looked so smug when I caught them….and she’s married too! Husband is navy and was at sea! He swore he’d never talk to her again but not days after we got back from that trip she had sent him a photo of her self with wet hair (one of his fetishes). I forced him to unfriend and block her but he then started locking his computer after that when previously he would let me on it anytime I wanted. He also prevented me from seeing his friends list on Facebook, barring mutual friends, so for all I know he was still friends with her anyway.

    LOL the reason we are getting divorced is not even his porn habit…his mommy wants to be the only woman in his life and felt very threatened by me. She finally succeeded in breaking us up. She can have him!

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  30. Anonymous

    Im pretty sure im involved with a narcissist person but he doesnt fit this description at all. Yes he addicted to porn but whenever we have sex, there is no sign of dysfunction at all…in fact he wants me to act out the scenes in the porn which are somewhat degrading to women…The only thing I do notice sometimes is his eyes are shut so tightly and Im not so sure he even knows Im in the room. Also afterwards there is little intimacy , he turns his back to me but allows me to cuddle with him only by spooning

    1. Kim Saeed

      Someone,

      This article doesn’t cover all Narcissists, though there are many of them who can’t perform due to the reasons listed within.

      There are other forms of “dysfunction” when it comes to Narcissists. Some will withhold sex as a form of punishment or to make their partner feel undesirable (often, both).

      Yet others like to engage in degrading acts and encourage their partner to join them. Usually things their partner would never even consider otherwise. It’s another insidious form of degrading/devaluing.

      Lastly, others are very skilled lovers. It’s one of the tools they use to keep their targets hooked.

      Hope that helps!

      Kim

      1. Mary Elizabeth

        Hi kim visual porn also portrays the image of a female who is cosmetically enhanced dosnt have an opinion dosnt resemble real women and everyday life and issues basically is an other way of enhancing the delusional personality of the narc while the real relationship falls apart due to sexual rejection and controle . A cat toying with a mouse comes to mind .

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  33. Thank you, thank you, & again Thank You for this post. My Narc was impotent for quite some time before we were divorced. Viagra, & others would not work. It takes you through many emotions wondering why if impotent he would continue the porn & strip clubs. What is worse is when you are not out of shape (look younger than age) & was not the type to turn down sex. Then he was the one who how you say, had no clue how to satisfy in any way, shape or form. My ex worked out of the home so his porn was always available & it was so degrading knowing he is on ‘one of his many sites’ while you walk into room. His job also allowed him to take clients to strip clubs which added to the addiction. So glad to see this post. It really helps knowing that like with all the other problems the Narcs cause, this is another that is their fault/problem, not ours!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Merryjoy1,

      Thank you very much for sharing your story.

      This particular post has gotten a lot of positive feedback on here, on my Facebook page, and has been shared on several forums.

      We all read about the emotional and financial abuse that so often occurs with these Narcs, but not much is spoken about the sexual abuse with the exception of their withholding sex. In hindsight, a lot of that withholding may have to due with the inability to perform…though they love to blame it on their unsuspecting partner.

      Very glad to know the article helped you <3

  34. Ness

    Excellent post. Somebody else commented here that we often talk about the mental and emotional abuse and in my case also physical abuse but don’t discuss the sexual aspect of what we have experienced. It seems to be a taboo subject. My x N was on many dating sites that he played down as not interested and too hard to get off them.
    He works in IT! Accepted and forgave. Then I would see pop ups of 20 year olds he had been communicating sexually with. There was also porn and then pretty quickly other women on the side, which I didn’t find out about until later. We also had a good sex life at the time. I did feel that we never really had an intimate emotional connection and it was all about the sexual act. Without going into details about a year down the track in our relationship I had to work extremely hard to have him reach any fulfilling end! He would often say that he wasn’t sensitive enough or that his drinking had affected him. He would demand sex when he wanted and even if I was physically sick or tired after work it didn’t matter and I was expected to work for close to a couple of hours sometimes to please him! It became a chore and an expectation. On the odd occasion when I didn’t feel like sex he would keep me up for hours sulking until I gave in. He also used Viagra. This article is so enlightening as it is the first that I have read on the topic. I am out of the relationship now, however he still tries to contact me even though now apparently he has found the love of his life that far exceeds what I could ever offer him! The final nail on the coffin of my self esteem was the devalue of my body. They certainly like to project their inadequacies onto you and cut you down as to build themselves up. God, so angry sometimes at myself that I put up with this crap in my life for so long. I have met someone recently and it is very new, but the difference in behaviour from an emotionally mature man has really opened my eyes to what I have endured. No wonder our self esteem is damaged by the time we finally find the courage to leave.

    1. Sam

      The high incidence of male circumcision in this country has a lot to do with the desensitization and factor that with porn addiction, and you have ED and sexual dysfunction.

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  36. aurora

    Kim, this was a timely reminder for me of all the dysfunction I endured in my experience with a narcissist. He was trying to groom me into watching short videos to start, and then began trying to encourage me to participate in things I really wasn’t comfortable with. Thankfully for me I was able to find some internal compass to refuse. He borrowed my computer one time when he was off on one of his punishing silent treatments, and when I got it back, I found all these demeaning, ugly websites related to pornography he had been accessing. Indeed, looking back I started to feel totally dehumanised remembering the times in the past when we had been intimate, and this further increased my shame, self doubt and a sense of being repulsed. This person was on a range of dating sites, the ones where you skype or whatever and have ‘virtual’ sex. It was a whole world I had never been exposed too, and once I got over my initial revulsion of his interest in these sites, I also began to get really angry at the dehumanisation of women in these sites, and how this ultimately represents how narcissists see their partners and people in general. Simply as ‘things’ to be ‘used’ for ‘pleasure’, ‘control’, ‘mastery’ etc etc. These are damaged people who do almost inconcievable damage to their unsuspecting victims. It took me a long time to get my head around how I had taken the slippery slope into some of these behaviours being ‘normalised’ – not only in my personal experience, but in the everyday way women are portrayed in the media. Great article, thank you.

  37. Very well written and certainly true in my experience. So many personal anecdotes that come to mind but ultimately, reading this and beginning a relationship with a normal partner is helping greatly to heal the pyschological damage to my sexual self esteem.
    I am hugely relieved that I found out AFTER I made the break from him. I can’t imagine the devastation if I’d still been with the Narc.

  38. Torn 2 Peaces

    I was so naïve, I did not realize my husband at the time was watching porn. He was always pushing me away, rejecting me unless I was thinking of leaving — then he became Mr. Seducer. When we divorced and his computer was turned over to a forensic expert trying to obtain his financial statements and evidence of his affair not only was porn found, but live streaming, bestiality, and worse — underage porn. His computer was turned over to the DAs office with a statement, the evidence and paper trail disappeared in the DAs office. The assistant DA at the time was my ex’s business partner’s son-in-law… He got physical custody of my teen daughter and has completely alienated her from the family. She has been acting out since the sixth grade. She has worshipped her dad since she was little — he was very possessive of her. Looking back, he makes me sick, & I have nightmares. He is such a pathetic, impotent predator. I also found Viagra at his business where he watched the porn in his real estate school.

  39. Laura

    Is it the norm for these types to have sex with the same sex and look at gay porn

    1. Kim Saeed

      Laura, I’m not sure it’s the norm, but I do know that some Narcissists are latent (not yet outed) homosexuals, especially the cerebral types.

  40. Anonymous

    So is it normal for these narcs to have same sex attraction and to act on it and look at gay porn over and over again or is this a separate issue altogether

  41. Elaine

    Rings so true. After 10 years with an NPD I wondered why I tolerated so much dysfunction. My psychologist acknowledged that I knew more about the disorder than he did, yet I subjected myself to emotional and psychological torture.
    Blamed myself for his sexual problems knowing full well it was porn and masterbatory all along. He was a classic case.
    Thanks for acknowledging what I knew was true but did not want to believe.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Elaine, according to the forums on FB, many women have taken the brunt of their partner’s dysfunction, when it was related to porn all along.

      I’m very glad to know that my article gave you some well-deserved perspective <3

  42. Diane Dolan

    So happy with your posts. Very clarifying and
    Necessary for all of us at different stages of recovery
    I look so forward to reading this information to understand and hopefully
    Educate others.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you, Diane. Another thing to add to the list of red flags in a new relationship when trying to avoid being targeted by another Narcissist!

  43. With every blog you post Kim, you expose yet another layer to the Narc Abuse I experienced. Thank you for shining the light.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing that, 1smiles! I’m glad to know I helped you in some small way >3

  44. Elisabeth

    One of the reasons I left my partner was because I could see in his internet history and saw the sites he was on (daddy loves his teenage girl ). It made me feel sick. The stupid thing was, we didn’t have a bad sexual life. So for me it was a shock. I never turned him down. But he turned me down by looking at this kind of things.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for sharing that, Elisabeth. Porn often does change the dynamic of romantic relationships, and usually not in a good way…

  45. Hi Kim,

    I think you offer some excellent insights on the damage that porn can do in a relationship. I can only imagine how damaging it can be for a woman in a relationship to be told that she is inadequate because she doesn’t look like a 23 yr old porn star, or that because she’s ‘boring’ in bed. It’s projection at it’s finest: Blaming the other person for the narcissist’s issues.

    I’d like to offer a slightly different slant if I may on the porn issue: The real root of the problem is, in my opinion, the masturbation that accompanies the porn. Porn is purely a vehicle for arousal. Porn creates a fantasy of sexual experience that is often not realistic. As you said, someone drawn to porn will place themselves in that fantasy and through masturbation gain the affirmation of dopamine that can lead to addiction, making other (normal) types of sexual endeavors seem less fulfilling.

    I would like to venture that this is not purely a male issue. There are women with a nightstand full of toys that are utilized in a similar fashion to the way a man would masturbate to porn. The list of reasons you presented regarding how porn can lead to ED is also true for a woman whose favorite sex partner is a vibrating piece of silicone and finds other sexual experiences seem less fulfilling.

    Stephen Bach

    1. Anna

      I’m sure this is true, Stephen. I know there are tons of porn addicted women out there, too. Our society is focused away from relating to other people and toward relating to “things” – sex toys and computers included. That’s sad. It’s all part of the phenomenon that causes us to stay inside and watch TV at night instead of sitting on the stoop and talking to our neighbors.

      Even the 23 year old porn star doesn’t look like herself. I saw a gallery once of porn stars before and after makeup. Before, they were pretty young ladies – after, vixens. Funny.

      1. I agree. The world is a very changed place in a relatively short period of time. It seems to becoming more common that people will literally refuse to interact unless some sort of screen is involved. I know of several younger women that I have met that have told me that they will not answer or return phone calls and will only respond to text messages. It’s ironic how the world is becoming more and more crowded and yet it’s residents are more and more isolated from each other.

        I can believe that many porn stars look pretty average without the vixen makeup, but I would imagine the same can be said for just about any screen star, not just porn.

        Stephen Bach

    2. Kim Saeed

      Stephen,

      You’re absolutely right. The dysfunction comes from the masturbation that accompanies the viewing of porn. In abusive relationships, the abuser will blame their partner for his or her inability to become aroused in intimate situations.

      #2 is also very true. In the research I did before writhing this article, the issue of women’s use of vibrators (and other toys) having a detrimental effect also came up a few times.

      To each his own, but there is a real epidemic happening, especially in the younger generation, many of whom have become addicted to porn before experiencing a real relationship with a human being, and then cannot do so because of the porn-induced ED, or desensitization which happens with females.

      Thank you for stopping by and for commenting 🙂

      Kim

    1. Kim Saeed

      Great call, Phill! Thanks for stopping by and for sharing 🙂

  46. Hi Kim , good post , as you know I have a 2 hour phycologist report done at the airport to say I am a Narcissists , I don’t watch porn as I find it stupid to be honest , I stopped having sex with my ex as I found her gorse and offence for the way she spoke to me daily for 5 years , so I guess it’s not a one rule fits all , I have been single for 18 months and have not been with a other person as life is not just about sex always when you are dealing with more serious issues 🙂

  47. lyn

    Thank you for bringing this subject up. Porn aside, I think that we so often talk about the verbal and emotional abuse that we experienced, but not always the sexual abuse. We do anything to please the partner we “love” and who “loves” us back, right? Like every other one of his abusive patterns, there was a pattern to the sexual abuse, and if it stemmed from porn or not, he took pleasure in humiliating me.

    Thank you for the post.

    1. Kim Saeed

      You’re absolutely right, Lyn. Narcissists also withhold affection as means of control and degradation. They get a sadistic delight from making their partner(s) feel less than desirable, in spite of said partner’s efforts to prove otherwise.

      Thank you for stopping by and for commenting 🙂

    2. thank you for this posting. Yes ..it’s harder to talk about the intimate, sexual side of a narc relationship. Ultimate narc power tool.

  48. good posting. I like that you make it clear it is not for/against porn. But is instead written to help traumatized partners. really nice job.

  49. Kim Saeed

    Thank you so much for commenting and sharing, Anna…

    I agree with the humanitarian challenges presented by porn. Especially for future generations because if porn-induced ED continues to rise, what does that say for the world’s population (in places that have access), and for future relationships as they relate to the family unit and/or relationship stability? Does that open the door for more artificial inseminations? What does it say about human interactions in general since porn addicts tend to stay home more due to being undermotivated? Will there be whole segments of society becoming detached from the human race as they rely more and more on instant access to porn (and other entertainment, for that matter)…

    Doesn’t seem too promising :(…and I have to wonder about Big Pharma’s role in all of this.

    1. Anna

      True – hadn’t thought of that! Big pharma must be happy right now…oh, have a problem with ED due to all your porn watching, just take our new (harmful) medication! When I was a kid, “porn” was dad’s Playboy magazine or maybe some movie shown at a theatre on the bad side of town. Those movies are probably tame by today’s standards. From what I hear, porn is now much more violent and goes out of it’s way to shock and degrade. It scares me to think what effect this is going to have on future generations. I had kind of hoped men would grow more enlightened but if they get their ideas of what women are like from this kind of stuff, then maybe not.

      I think one effect may be more women dating women. When I divorce, if all I can find is porn addicted men who expect me to do gross, degrading things, I will just date girls. I like them anyway (I am bisexual – which in our porn-addled culture still screams “girl on girl!!” but I am emotionally attracted to both men and women). Maybe more women will start to be bi or gay as our men disappear behind the screens of computers, watching caricatures of us and what we cannot be.

      1. Hi Anna,

        A few thoughts if I may:

        All men aren’t porn addicted narcissists. The key is to be patient and picky until the right man comes along.

        I would submit that dating women has just as many pitfalls and tribulations as dating men. This I know from my own experiences. There are many broken people out there, both male and female. Classifying ‘broken’ as a gender issue, is, in my opinion, not looking at the entire context.

        Stephen Bach

  50. Anna

    I’m so glad you wrote this article, Kim. For me, porn is definitely a humanitarian issue. I am a feminist and I consider even so-called “consensual” participation in porn to be abuse and degradation of women. I could never love a person who enjoys watching the suffering of another living being. I suppose I could enjoy “erotica” in the form of either written stories or movies during which it’s clear that both partners are truly enjoying the experience. However, today’s porn is so skewed toward abuse and degradation – pushing the limits and seeing how much abuse a person can take, how extreme “sex” can be. It is disgusting, uncreative, a humongous turn-off to me.

    Also, my narc is/was a porn addict. He admitted to me that he used to watch porn all the time AFTER I married him or else I don’t think I would’ve married him. I always told myself that I’d never be with a porn addict – but again, it’s pushing the limits and accepting more and more to be with the person (accepting things you thought you never would, etc.). I imagine he watches it now because he uses anonymous browsers and always scrubs the internet history off the computer. I don’t care anymore because I don’t love him nor do I desire him so there is no jealousy, but it still disgusts me.

  51. theinfiniterally

    Good article. I agree with you completely on the dangers of porn.
    However, I do take issue with some loose implications that some people might take away.

    1. Although you go to the trouble to point out that “not all porn addicts are Narcissists, but a high percentage of Narcissists are addicted to porn,” I am not sure this point is stressed strongly enough.

    2. I think, too, it is important to point out the difference between someone who uses porn by choice and someone who is ‘addicted.’

    If I had to venture a guess, I would guess that not only are not ALL porn addicts narcissists, probably MOST porn addicts are not narcissists. It may even be probable that many or even most male (straight or gay) victims of narcissists trapped in a relationship with an abusive and neglectful narcissist (either female or male) become addicted to porn (or drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc) themselves. It may be hard to believe, but many men are not aware of or do not believe that trafficking and abuse are intimately tied to almost all kinds of porn. There has been a push in our entertainment culture over the past twenty years to condone and normalize pornography; therefore, I think it is unfair, and possibly even harmful, to paint the average user of porn, or even porn addict, as an informed participant. Better to raise awareness than to paint with a broad brush.

    1. Kim Saeed

      theinfiniterally,

      The article was really written as a means to help victims of Narcissistic abuse who’ve been degraded and blamed as the cause of their partner’s porn-induced ED, who are told they’re not “pretty enough”, “thin enough”, “desirable enough”, “boring in bed”, etc., when the reality is that the dysfunction is often due to porn addiction.

      The indication that a large percentage of Narcissists are addicted to porn was extracted partly from the following articles: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/07/narcissism-porn-use-and-addiction/, http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/06/narcissists-watch-more-internet-porn.html, http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/watching-porn-a-narcissists-first-love/1/369559.html, and others I read that contained medical research, though I do understand that a lot of stuff out there is biased.

      Regarding the difference between using porn by choice and being addicted: Porn by choice may have it’s place, but when it begins to affect intimate relationships because of the oft accompanied masturbation (both men and women), then it becomes a problem on a large scale. I read many articles by urologists stating that today’s epidemic of ED is largely porn-induced, and is very hard to overcome, especially for younger people who never had the chance to form intimate relationships with real partners before becoming addicted to internet porn.

      Thank you for commenting. You raised some very good points!

      1. theinfiniterally

        I do understand the purpose and I agree wholeheartedly. I applaud your efforts in this instance and in general. Incidentally, I did not mean to say that that porn by choice has a place, only that not all men who choose to look at porn are necessarily addicted. I’m not sure if the distinction is important.

        1. Kim Saeed

          I don’t really agree with porn myself, but I guess I was trying to remain neutral for those who choose to view it. Aside from personal choice (and freedom to make that choice), I am concerned for our young men and women in this generation because PIED seems to be occurring in record numbers as I write this response…as well as concern for anyone in a relationship that is having to go through this, whether that relationship is abusive or otherwise.

          1. theinfiniterally

            If you will allow it, I’d like to clarify my initial commentary.

            After some thought, I realize that I reacted to your article because of what I sometimes perceive as the ‘porn-shaming’ of men, the idea that is somehow unnatural or wrong for men to have a very strong attraction to sexual imagery, which I see as a gender-equivalent of the ‘slut-shaming’ of women. It is not wrong or shameful to be attracted to or aroused by sexual imagery, even if/though the ready access of sexual imagery is potentially harmful to both men (and the women who are in relationships with them) and the commercial production of sexual imagery is harmful to women. I understand that was not your intention. I must apologize once more for side-tracking your discussion and also for falsely characterizing your position. I thank you for indulging both my original comment and this further clarification.

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