when they tell you the first time

When They Tell You the First Time…

“My dear, why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are? Why can’t you get it the first time?” ~ Maya Angelou

Wonderful question, in hindsight.

Another example of history repeating itself.  But, just as we live through what others have already experienced, we did not experience it ourselves so we have to have our own experience…

Why do we have to learn lessons the hard way?  Why must they literally smack us, shove us, and rub our noses in harsh reality before we comprehend them?

Stubbornness?  Self-doubt?  Conditioning?  Good girls forgive; turn the other cheek; sacrifice their happiness for that of others; stay small, quiet, submissive…

Do we hold onto hope that our fears will be proven wrong?  Repeat the cycle of pain we’ve experienced since childhood, hoping to re-write history?  “I am not going to change, Mommy, Daddy, until you treat me differently when I was six years old.” 

But that’s not going to happen, is it?  We cannot go back in time.  All we can do is change our circumstances in the present moment.

So if, in your present moment, your partner viciously tells you they don’t love you, believe them.  Don’t wait for the 29th, 100th, 1000th, 4067th time.  Believe them…the first time.

If they say they don’t think you deserve to be treated respectfully; that you’re a disappointment; that it was a mistake to get involved with you; that they’re seeing someone else; that they have other lovers waiting for them…believe it.

Not because you DON’T deserve to be treated as a worthy partner, but because they’re showing you, telling you who they really are.  You may not be able to erase the time you’ve already spent with them, but what you can do is turn the page, grab a pen, and write a new moment, a new beginning, a different ending.

Reclaim yourself.  Put up a barrier, so that when they open their mouth to desecrate your unique divinity and your specialness, their words fall apart in mid-air and the letters fall scattered to the ground, where they will be trampled upon as you walk away…pushing them into the dirt; a burial.  In the dirt, where their words belong.  Along the dirt path, until you reach the new.

Copyright 2018 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, LLC

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  1. Dita

    Sounds a similar story.. I walked round with a chant mantra on a loop in my head. I thought I might go mad until one day I noticed I was saying it a lit less. Find yourself self some kind words for you, take time, after all it took time for it to happen to you. Its not you, really, they are incapable. My mantra was ‘ there is nothing for you to do today except smile, heal and thrive, everything else can wait’.


  2. Dita

    So true.. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I’m five months post narc left finally 3rd attempt after finding he was on a dating site the day I had my breasts removed for breast cancer. I went no contact, removed social media, in followed him and our joint friends ( to save me seeing what a wonderful time he was having while I was trying to recover) invest time in yourself, be with yourself, be with true friends and you will get through. Not without pain, but you will do it

  3. nomadBJ

    The way you outline and write makes things so clear for me. All your posts have been helpful. How is there a formula for these types of men, and I didn’t know it before? My ex would tell me he needed a woman that was more of a pushover, and I thought he was kidding because he also loves the independent and strong female – and that’s what I thought I was. I came to realize too late, that he really did mean he wanted a pushover as he has abusive and had anger issues. He did tell me I deserved someone better and that he had a tendency to be a big flirt. (He really meant cheater.) All things I would brush over and not really listen to, because I thought he meant something different and I was trying to see the positive in him. It just didn’t make sense until I find it happening to other people too. He is so great to other people and the community around him. Just not to me. 🙁 Trying to heal…

  4. mothererased

    To all the women in relationships w/ narcissists: Don’t take any of his words or behaviour personally. It is not about you- none of it. It is about him and his sickness. Don’t remain part of ‘his story’. Go make your own story. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can alter your life forever. My mother was bullied out of custody of her own children after her volatile breakup w/ my father. Lives were altered forever. Please find support and strength within. You are far more worthy and strong and capable than you have realized. And if you have children, they desperately need you to find the power that is your birthright.

  5. sicofnarc

    Its been 3 years since breaking it off with my exn, Im so much better now. Looking back I can remember so many comments he made warning me of who he really was. You are too good for me, well maybe you will now after meeting me, you know im a bad boy, I should have at least questioned why he said such bizarre things but I just let them slide. That wont happpen ever again.

  6. Kim Saeed

    Thank you for sharing, Izzy. Hope you’re in a better place now…

  7. Izzy

    I made that mistake of not listening to/refusing to believe what my N was telling me. He would literally TELL me that he would hurt me again, that I deserve better, and that he isn’t good for me. For some reason I ignored all this because I wanted a return on the investment that I made. All I was left with was pain and confusion when he coldly exited from my life.

      1. idiotwriter

        …seems it does not matter what you say – it brings encouragement – thank you. You are such a blessing to our world.

        1. Kim Saeed

          You just made my week…actually my month 。◕‿◕。


          1. idiotwriter

            <3 That's actually pretty cool…and now YOU have made MINE – again.
            Gosh we are doing well here dear –
            Splendid stuff.
            So much better then being miserable right 😉
            Have an awesome weekend and week Kim.

  8. Carrie Reimer

    Oh so true!! If a person truly loves you they would never ever, no matter how angry they got, tell you they don’t love you or you are not worthy of love.
    James used to say his love was “cycleable” or “I loved you yesterday” say what? and I didn’t just walk out? who says stuff like that? not a loving person.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I agree, Carrie. Just wish I’d had that epiphany long before I did. Although, in hindsight, I’m almost glad for the experience because I’ve done a lot of growing since then. Seems you have, too <3

  9. Maybe it’s hard to believe him because so many of the words out of his mouth cannot be believed and his agenda is perpetually hidden. The stuff you need to be true is not and the stuff you need to be false is true. It’s crazy-making.

  10. “There are other women who would jump on a plane to be with me.”
    Sure, yes. Let me just quit my job and leave my two kids to go meet a total stranger in a different country…

    1. Kim Saeed

      “All of my Exes are waiting for me to return to them.”

      You mean all the ones that have moved on and gotten married to other men? Okay, if you say so…

  11. blue

    Loved this It does seem women cant let go I thought it was because we invested so much of us in to this joke of a relationship that we keep hoping that somehow the investment will pay off So we keep digging and digging thinking “There has got to be something down there I will just keep digging” Truth is WE do know we just cant except we made a huge mistake and its time to move on,let go and say good-bye First rule of holes “stop digging”!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Indeed, Blue…for the deeper we dig, the harder it is to get out of that hole!

  12. Thank you very much for the blog nod 🙂

    Great post!

    I think when it comes down to it, we have to learn things the hard way because that’s when we learn how to listen to the parts of ourselves which we don’t pay much attention to when things go smoothly.

    We only figure out just how strong we are when we’re in difficulty, and we have to deal with that difficulty ourselves – no one else can do it for us. That’s when we meet and really get to know ourselves. When our relationship with ourselves deepens, and we stop treating ourselves like a casual acquaintance we friended on Facebook but haven’t bothered to really get to know.

    They say that we find out who are friends are when we go through hard times… that applies to our inner friend too. Hard times show us what kind of a friend we are to ourselves and gives us the opportunity to improve that relationship.

    Thank you for sharing, Kim, always insightful!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Wow, Ursula…I’d love to use your comment as an inspirational quote. I’m certainly inspired 🙂

  13. Elkie

    Your words today are so welcome and true. It has taken me several years to walk down that path, and I still get comments that hurt me from him and I just keep walking away and saying NO because I am beautiful and I love myself.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for your encouraging words, Elkie. I’m glad to know you are able to just walk away…

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