some narcissists are stupid

Numpty Narcissists – 4 Signs Your Disordered Partner is a Nitwit with Nary a Clue

Some narcissists are stupid.

They love to use intimidation to get what they want.  They threaten, scathe, cajole, and perform underhanded acts that make Bernie Madoff seem like a rookie.  Because of this, many targets of emotional predators (i.e., Narcissists) spend years of valuable time in toxic relationships when they don’t have to.

When dealing with narcissists, often what keeps one trapped is their perceived notion that they are powerless.  Our subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between real or imagined threats, so knowing what one is up against is essential, especially that some narcissists are downright stupid

Most of the Narcissist’s threats are simply hot air disguised as the real thing.  Below, I dissect the anatomy of common false threats and scorching remarks made by Narcissistic Ninnies:

1)  When you mention the possibility of ending it, your partner tries to intimidate you by saying you’ll be left homeless and penniless. Furthermore, they’ll take the kids and you’ll never see them again.

Reality:  It seems they aren’t taking into account their three DUI’s and the fact they’re driving on a restricted license.  Their spotty employment record won’t look too good, either.  Oh, and let’s not forget about that restraining order that was placed against them by a former squeeze.

Don’t let this person’s empty words scare you.  They have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning any court battles.  Besides, their burden of proof would lie in showing you’re an unfit parent.  Judges aren’t prone to ripping children away from their parents or caregivers unless there is evidence pointing to the necessity of such.  If your record is clean, you most likely have nothing to worry about.  However, in the event you’ve been falsely accused by the narcissist, read this article on proving your innocence.

2)  They keep insisting that YOU’RE the only person they’ve ever had problems with, and further, the only one who can’t seem to understand them.

Odd, isn’t it, considering that in the beginning, you were the only person that understood them?  This is such a predictable about-face, it’s almost laughable.  

But, to address their accusations, let’s observe their last four Exes, shall we?

Ex #1 – See #1 above– They’re the one that had to file a restraining order against the narcissist and developed agoraphobia from being stalked relentlessly.  They can no longer leave their home without heavily medicating themselves.

Ex #2 – Joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but keeps falling off the wagon (which seems to coincide with the narcissist’s attempts to contact them).

Ex #3 – On anti-psychotic meds (which only happened after their relationship with the narcissist)

Ex #4 – Attacked you in the parking lot at Whole Foods

Notice a pattern?  They all have one common denominator…the narcissist.

3)  They say to you repeatedly, “No one will ever care for you like I do”, “You should be grateful for what I do for you”, “I made huge sacrifices to be with you”

Reality:  If your Narcissist actually finds gainful employment, they’re always one coffee break away from being fired.  That last company layoff where they got the pink slip?  They were actually let go because they wouldn’t stop using their cell phone while on the clock.  Their huge sacrifice?  A former source of supply who was letting the Narcissist live as a kept lover.  This person worked two jobs, paid all the bills, and allowed the Narcissist to stay home, but kicked the narc out when they came home early one day and caught them in bed with their neighbor.

4)  They tell you, “You’ll always be a loser”, when you do something they don’t like or make a small, common mistake.

Reality:  By telling you that you’re a “loser”, they’re implying that they’re a winner.  Again, it’s important not to focus so much on what they’re saying, but on concrete facts.  Let’s examine the following example:

You:  educated; several promotions at work or you started your own business; symbols of stability such as car, home, and a large networking group(at least before meeting the Narc); strong friendships; could easily obtain positive recommendations from employers and acquaintances

The Narcissistic Ninny:  quits job every year or two (if they last that long without being fired); a string of “psychotic” exes; constantly plotting a way to get on disability; always living with family members or “friends” they’ve managed to deceive; could never obtain a positive recommendation (unless it was fake)

Don’t fall victim to the Narcissist’s verbal tomfoolery.  If they repeatedly cheat on you, you aren’t the one breaking up the family…they are.  You’re not insecure and jealous if you discovered their porn addiction and sexts to the new employee at their work.  You aren’t “bipolar” because of your emotional highs and lows…you’ve been emotionally traumatized.

There’s only one way to halt this monkey business and that’s by going No Contact and devising your exit strategy.

**If you’re in a domestic violence situation, please use a safety plan along with your exit strategy.


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  3. Denise

    Everything written and talked about is what happened to me. He went as far as telling police I was trying to kill him when in fact it as the other way around. Three times he left me took everything. I found out when I came home from work and he was gone. Father is an alcoholic and mother is bipolar and attempted suicide by shooting herself. All events, vacations and other outings ended with me being the case of his lack of a good time! Beating his first wife and having sex with random chicks at work was what he did on a regular basis. Fools people into thinking he’s innocent “gaslighting”. What a horrible experience and I do have PTSD from the experience. I have so much more to say!

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  6. Great post – honestly, for me it was all about no contact. They finally stopped contacting me after four months of silence on my end. When I mean no contact, I blocked then AND their whole family on all social media, phone, etc. At first I still had their family unblocked and they wouldn’t stop contacting me and it was crazy. Once I blocked the whole family, it stopped. I also asked my friends to block them and that helped a lot too.

    We didn’t have kids together so made it a lot easier. If you have children with a narc, it is tricky. A friend is divorced from a narc and has two kids with them. They only communicate through text and my friend only responds when absolutely nessecary and keeps responses as quick as possible.

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  9. Ness,
    I had to comment after reading your post. I left about 6 months ago. Changed jobs and relocated to another state, Like you, I feel stronger, more like myself. I just interviewed for a promotion at my job and have a wonderful apartment.
    Also like you, I’m having some kind ov cervical issue and I see an OB-GYN on Thursday. Fingers crossed there.
    Keep up the forward progress.. you’re doing great!

  10. survivorthrivor2

    I guess I must be the exception. My N husband was exemplary at his job, tested well and got promoted twice, then was asked (you could not test for this position) to be the second highest ranking deputy chief in the department he worked for second only to the Chief himself. He was well respected & liked, showed every positive character trait, was a worship leader in church, lead Bible studies, was in several accountability groups with other men from church, friendly, kind, outgoing, caring, spiritual and made people laugh with his quick wit and jokes like you wouldn’t believe. So much so, that other women in church would come up to me and say that I must be very fortunate to be married to such a great guy! My response was always, with a laugh, you don’t live with him. But, there was nothing funny about it!
    At home, he was mean, angry, rude, disrespectful, ugly, cruel, so unbelievably argumentative over nothing, accusatory, critical, moody and most of all had absolutely no character or integrity. He was abusive in every way! And he lied about a lot of things I had no idea about at the time. He had numerous emotional affairs with other women, none sexual that I could tell for sure. And he was definitely a flirt and a charmer. If we were in public somewhere, I could go to the restroom and by the time I came out, he could be engaged in talking, laughing and entertaining at least one woman, perhaps more. He couldn’t make a decision and stick to it if his life depended on it, always going back and forth on everything, even little things, rarely ever kept his word to me or the kids. He had hurt me in so many ways, things a husband should never do to someone he professes to love, didn’t protect me – EVER – especially not to his family and who knows who else. I was punished if I didn’t do what he thought I should do, even if it didn’t directly affect him. And the punishment always came very slyly, covertly, but it always bothered me, and I did notice, but just couldn’t admit to myself that he purposely, calculated it and meant to really harm me and get back at me, after all he was my husband and husbands aren’t capable of that, are they? A complete personality split, I suppose. If I did speak up, which was rare, whoever it was would just look at me as if I were crazy, including every Pastor I ever said anything to, no help, no intervention – nothing. I will never understand it, so very painful and abandoned. I was basically ignored and patronized every time. I guess there are different kind of Narcissists, but I don’t know what category this one fell into, any thoughts?

    1. Kelli Cooper

      The NPD I married became a cop has always been employed. Many NPD’s are in high ranking positions. Please note N’s are incapable of care, N’s Act, False Persona! True Care and Concern lasts and doesn’t alter……

      1. Kim Saeed

        I’ve gone in and added a note that these behaviors are more typical of overt narcissists. The cerebrals are often harder to detect because of their various accomplishments.

        Thanks for stopping by and commenting 🙂

        1. Connie

          Ugh. Mine is the cerebral kind. The comment above sounds exactly like my soon to be ex. It gives me chills. No contact has worked and he does not bug me because he will not do something overt that will make him look bad. I have been separated from him for 5 months and know that in order to get through this I have to make a completely new life. There are new people who do not think I am the crazy one and do not know my attractive, funny, smart and evil ex. I just had no idea that people could be this way. Everyone we used to be friends with or know like his co-workers, neighbors and relatives all think I am crazy and he is the victim. I have to control my mind and not think about how everyone thinks I am the crazy one but it is getting easier just to let it all go and focus and the new life I have ahead of me.

          1. Anonymous

            We are saving our lives by
            tending and mending the garden of our thoughts and souls.

    2. R

      Get a good therapist. Get the book “Malignant Self Love” by Sam Vaknin and read the foreword. I was married to that guy, too.

    3. Kim Saeed


      Thank you for sharing your story. Your Ex(?) was likely a cerebral narcissist. I’ve added a note that this article relates mostly to overt narcissists.

      1. survivorthrivor2

        Thank you Kim and all who replied and offered your thoughts and experiences , I appreciate it so much. Kim, yours was the first blog/place I found after learning who & what I had been married to all these years and it was such a refreshing drink of truth. I cannot thank you enough for being here. Although very difficult at first, the truth really does set you free. He is not my ex, yet, although we are separated. I just found out all this info in May, so it’s taken me some time to work through all the mess and confusion. I have looked & looked for a “good” therapist, but have yet to find one. I do know what true caring looks like, I grew up in a very loving, caring home and always wondered why he just “faked” caring about me. Cerebrals are more difficult to detect, yes, but anyone with one, who knows who they really are at home is also the crazy one for leaving “such a great guy.” So sick & twisted what they do to our lives! And actually, he always tried to buy my affection for him, which I still don’t really understand. I am not materialistic in any way, but then again, it is his screwed up way of thinking, not mine. Thanks again, priceless information!

    4. Anonymous

      This phenomenon of others not getting it or even being overly hostile or critical is such
      a strange, fascinating, painful deal. This is why
      serious examination and study of these
      personality dynamics are SO very very

  11. Ness

    I love yout posts Kim, sometimes so spot on I have to laugh at how common they all are. I recently read a very good book on the psychology of the batterer. Really interesting if you need some understanding about going through a really physically violent relationship. I haven’t communicated with my x for four months now. I have ignored all of his efforts to get in touch with me. The first 3 months without any money, a list of bills I had to pay left over from the relationship and other things that happened to me whilst with him were really tough to get through. I think I could accurately say the toughest time I have had to go through in my life. Coupled with the fact that to hurt me he secured another women and repreatedly threw this in my face. 4 months later and I have payment plans organised, my health is gradually improving and I am finding my strength in my own personality and self belief again. I do still sometimes read about this disorder, I don’t have trouble leaving ‘him’ behind as I now hate him as a human being. No forgiveness from me as he doesn’t deserve it, a little bit of frustrated anger but more than anything I find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that I stayed far too long and put up with all of it. He did throw his entire Narc arsinole at me though. An entire list of strategies to keep me down and keep me hooked. Many I didn’t recognise untiil after I left. The great thing that has come of this is that I look after myself first, spot an unfair or one sided relationship and have become a stronger and much more self aware person.
    Just went through the first operation in my life to irradicate abnormal cervical tissue which I believe is a direct response from the stress I experienced with this guy for three years. So hit big time financially and also physically, emotionally is improving. I do hope the women and men who read your posts understand that no contact, completely getting them out of your life is the only sane answer. They are just too good at pushing the right buttons. Evil little inhuman ……things, like I eventually did. It is so lovely when life starts to get better and you find peace in your life. No one is worth sacrificing yourself for and that is what they want from you. They do not love.

  12. Anna

    This is really good. I have trouble believing I’m not the loser he accuses me of being. I was that accomplished person up until a few months ago but I’ve recently had some setbacks and got into a horrible job with an abusive male boss. I had to quit and I’ve been looking for work. My anxiety has flared which includes severe social anxiety. It’s hard for me to keep and make friends as I want to just isolate and run away. I’m trying to be strong and take care of me but it’s tough. This article describes my situation amazingly well!

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