First Christmas Season Without the Narcissist?

It’s the Christmas season and the forums abound with people who want advice on what to do about their Narcissistic partner.  Some struggle to go No Contact, while others consider letting the Narc back into their lives, all for the sake of the holiday spirit.

Detaching from the Narcissist is no easy feat.  Moreover, the spirit of the holiday season brings with it a certain nostalgia that will lead many to make the regrettable mistake of expecting a “Miracle on Narky-fourth Street”.

Ladies and Gents, I implore you to recall Christmases past with your Narcissist.  Remember that particular mean streak they reserve specifically for special occasions?  Has there been one fond memory during Christmas that lasted beyond their opening the gift(s) you got for them?  Isn’t it enough that they already ruined Christmases past for you and/or your children?  Haven’t they always been absent from the festive planning (and spending), anyhow?

It may be the Christmas season, but it’s not better to spend it with someone who will mistreat you than to be alone.  If you really want to do something special for Christmas, load up on the chocolate and wine (or scotch and your favorite hors  d’oeuvres), nail some two-by-fours to the front door, and put on the Christmas music.  You (and the wee ones, if applicable) can then sing around the Christmas tree in your own version of the Whos in the Grinch That Stole Christmas.  Here are some lyrics to get you started…

Fah No Contact! Dah No Contact.
Welcome Christmas, come this way.
Fah No Contact! Dah No Contact.
Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day. 

Welcome, welcome! Dah No Contact. 
Christmas Day is in our grasp.
So long as we have hands to clasp.
So long as we don’t see his/her a**. (Okay, this last line is only if you’re alone, sans enfants)

As a reminder, the Narcissist’s heart will NOT grow three sizes that day, and he/she will still have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.  If you need some encouragement to keep No Contact, hang a page of your diary on the tree, compose a toxic Christmas song out of their last nasty voice mail and put it on continuous loop, or open your medicine cabinet and gaze upon the prescription nerve pills you had to go on when you almost had a psychotic breakdown after their last episode of Narcissistic rage. 

And if that doesn’t work, recall how they rarely ever bought you a Christmas gift…opting instead to slip you a twenty-dollar bill because they didn’t “get the chance to go shopping.”  Give yourself the gift of empowerment so that you don’t end up loathing yourself for falling for their lies and hoovering once again.

** Link to original post (publish date Dec 20, 2013) First Christmas Without the Narcissistic Ex?.

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  1. Robin soprano

    Third Christmas without! Because while I was divorcing him he died in a motorcycle accident, which he never wanted but got one while we were separated. I can honestly say theses last three Christmas’s were so enjoyable… no arguments he hated everything I’d get him, if he did get me something special it was done infront of people as to show off. Always some sort of drama? I used to ask him if he lied awake at night thinking up dumb shit to fight over. I also enjoyed cooking all the favorite things with no one telling me I wasn’t doing it right… and I didn’t need to fix my make up before company came because there were no tears to shed over hurtful mental arguments…. I am so blessed now I’m so many ways, I got engaged to a great guy this Christmas one who doesn’t make me cry or feel crazy! Lol

  2. Christine

    trying my best to get out of 40 yrs marriage to a narc we are financially tied, My fault for trusting him. Years ago I thought he was just quirky, only one way to escape him -suicide.

  3. Anonymous

    My ex never appreciated anything I got for him and he never got me anything. I got things for HIS kids but he never got anything for them. He would always say that Christmas was just another day. My kids and I are enjoying ourselves and for him it is truly just another day. I know now the NC was made to make our Christmas the best one ever!

    1. KMC

      Wow… Light bulb finally went off. I dated my N for 5 years. As I read all the comments it finally dawned on me, I only got a gift in year 1 and 2. Thereafter he always disappeared right before holidays. Thanksgiving, my Birthday and Christmas were always sad and alone….because I was selfish and hoped for a gift and happy holiday season. Now I get it. Today I was alone after 6 weeks of NC. It’s been a tough day, but reading everyone’s stories remind me the past can not be changed and he will not change. He will never truly love me because he can’t and I need to move on. It hurts horribly today…..

      1. I feel your pain. Mine only gave me a gift the first year, and it was a recycled one at that. Something he had in his house. Although it’s sad to be alone this holiday, I keep reminding myself that he really didn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved.

  4. Thank you for the reminder. When I think back, there weren’t many Christmas’ where I didn’t cry. He ruined even the most enjoyable times. Now that I think about it, he seemed to make all holidays a drama fest. This Christmas, I am over two weeks NO CONTACT. I’d like to think he’s sad that he lost me, but I know better.

  5. Sandy

    Given that we need to forget these people who caused us so much pain, I refuse to do anything which prolongs the thought or memory of them in my mind. I got rid of everything he gave me which reminded me of him, and right now I’m actually wearing a rubber band on my wrist so that every time I have a sad thought or remember something that I don’t want to think about, I snap that rubber band on my wrist wicked hard. I’ve had great success another time with this method, and it’s working amazingly well again. I guarantee if your brain knows you are gonna send some pain, it will amend the thought process as a result. The key is to snap every time the thought happens. Try it!

  6. Milla

    “compose a toxic Christmas song out of their last nasty voice mail and put it on continuous loop, ”

    Thank you for reminding me, not to feel guilty.
    This is also my first Christmas without my narc mother. She will be alone.

    1. Milla

      I did it! – I can’t believe it! – This was my very first relaxed Christmas… it was so wonderful and I felt beloved with all those nice people arround me in my husband´s house.- Go for it!!!

  7. healingfuture

    Honestly scared that this is what’s happening. The ex has been around the kids and I for the last month after having no contact (modified for the children). After he appeared to down and low I found myself communicating with him again. He has been over to the house, joining in the occasional meal, helping with some seasonal chores etc. He has been trying to make me rethink his arrears of child support and that it is wrong of me to think he back owes me any money since I have sole custody of the children. I have been on a couple dates with him and am concerned that maybe his motive is to not be alone at Christmas and I am really worried he will discard me right after Christmas and before the any new years celebrations. Things have progressed forward positively until a few days ago when he was willing to walk out on me emotionally because I wouldn’t listen to him while I was trouble shooting something technical. It put me in an emotional panic that he was bailing on me again. For the last two days he has been slower to respond to texts and seems less engaged. It feels abrupt although he keeps saying he needs to see huge changes in me and the way I think for us to consider working on our marriage (we’ve been separated 16 mths). Is he using me? Is he in the process of discarding me? The anxiety and fear of abandonment is getting stronger. I even offered to put his name on gifts and join us for Christmas trying to show him I am a loving person. Thoughts??

    1. My thoughts? I don’t know about you, but I wish I had not put so much love, time and effort into a person who clearly demonstrated, over and over many times, that the only person he was concerned about was himself. People who really love you won’t continually hurt you. Don’t know if that helps at all, but I hope it does.

    2. mothererased

      I think that if you are living w/. fear of abandonment because you KNOW he is not dependable/stable/reliable enough to truly count on, then you need to face and acknowledge this- as well as remember the reasons you separated to being with. It sounds like you rightfully suspect his ‘helping out’ is calculated and it likely is. Of course he owes child support. Your kids need you to be strong, smart, and build a stable, peaceful life without fear.

  8. I had only 1 Christmas with my Narc ex fiancé… Which was last year, during the love bombing period. It was one of the most memorable and happiest Christmas’s ever for me. I had both my children to begin with and I had my “Soulmate” as well, couldn’t be better. This year I’m fighting for visitation and custody for 1 of my kids and the Narc destroyed many of my other relationships, in just about under a year. Getting over the fact that she was in my opinion a sociopath and never ever loved me, working hard on forgetting the past memories and getting myself to a better place ever from even before I met her. I also know that I will have many many lonely Christmas holidays going forward. I just feel like I can never trust another soul with my heart again. I rather be alone with my kids. Hope everyone is doing well, any advise is always good. I’m doing my best to move forward. Thanks.

  9. Cynthia

    After 30 years of marriage to a narcissist (divorce coming next month!) This is what Christmas was like:
    Great first year of marriage
    2nd picked an awful fight with me at my Dad’s house over me not spending enough time with him ( I had been helping my Dad go through my Mom’s things – she passed away the year I married my narc, and her clothes were still in the closet)This fight lasted all night!
    3rd argued for three days straight about visiting my father, who was alone and sick at Christmas. It was one of the only battles I ever won, but he made me pay…I should have left him then…but things were so great when they were good…
    4-5th normalish – some mood swings, but we celebrated at his parent’s house, so he was happy
    6th: argued with me ALL Night Christmas eve because he felt I had gotten my son (from my first marriage – he was 10 at the time) too much stuff!I got him the same amount as his little sister’s…I was bleary and red faced Christmas morning, trying to put on a good face for the children, but they had heard – they still talk about it.
    7th and 8th : disdain, coldness and unrealistic expectations for my son got worse. In a happy moment(we had had a nice walk) I said that what I really wanted for Christmas was for him to do something nice with my son – camping or something in the summer. By the end of Christmas day he had my son in tears – tears!- I should have left him then, but I had a little girl and an infant, my parents were gone, and when he was good he was so good…
    It goes on and on like this, as he got older he got a little better, but just a few years ago he freaked out when he found out my son surprised us at Christmas, and was at our house roasting chickens for our return from picking up the daughters from college. He made the trip home in the car miserable for all of us – because he didn’t want to come home to a messy kitchen from my son’s cooking!(My son is a fabulous cook, by the way)He ranted and raved for 5 hours! While we were trapped in the car, trying to make him see that a chicken dinner was a GOOD thing! My eldest daughter finally pulled over and retched on the side of the road – then he stopped. I should have left him then…
    My kids are thrilled that I’m divorcing Dad, especially my son, who bore the brunt of his step father’s abuse, more seriously than I ever knew until now. I’m spending Christmas with my sweet kids, and there has been a flurry of happy Facebook messages about our plans and presents and general happiness. Divorce – it’s a good thing!ps no contact for almost a year!

  10. This will be my 1st Christmas without my narc, too. Even though most people have already been victimized by the time they find a site like this, I’d like to add my perceptions and comments which I hope may help another someday. I won’t go in to all the things my narc did to try and destroy me because the story is much the same as all the others found all over the web. Instead, I will share some points I wish I had recognized for the red flags they were. I see now that collectively they paint a picture of a troubled man who was looking for someone to own in every sense of the word, except marriage. And that is where I was greatly blessed, but will discuss a bit later. I found him on an adult dating site, and my first clue was discovered on our first date… he had lied about his age, and was really about 15 years older than stated. Good to keep in mind that little white lies may be indicative of far more serious issues; in my case, it was a person who saw nothing wrong with lying in order to benefit himself. In his bedroom he had applied glow-in-the-dark stars and moons to the ceiling over his bed. Initially I thought it was awfully childish, but with the lights out it was pretty and so I chalked it up to his attempt to create a romantic atmosphere. What it really indicated is his stunted emotional development, which had been thwarted by addiction at 15. From our first night together, clear until now (8 years later), I never woke up with him beside me-not once. I always hated it, asked him about it, and thought it was very strange. It never changed and I feel it must be related to his fear/avoidance of intimacy. His previous girlfriend’s clothes and makeup were still there. He claimed to not know why she didn’t seem to want her things, but now I bet it was because he did something so bad to her that it wasn’t worth seeing him again to retrieve them. This man had no friends; I never in 8 yrs. saw anyone visit, nor did we ever socialize with any one he knew. I loved having him all to myself, but it was a red flag I totally missed. He never, ever called me by my name. Instead he called me “Princess”. Now I know it was how he kept from calling anyone the wrong name. After two great years came six which were increasingly calculated, cruel, demeaning, and demanding. I’ve realized for some time I was surely suffering narcissistic abuse, but he was so good at walking the line that I still felt deep inside he was a good, caring man who just had an hugely over-inflated opinion of himself. Throughout, he was a good provider of anything I needed and most everything I wanted. Very recently, I began having bad nightmares about the devil and winding up in hell for the wrong choices I made. Then, I happened to stumble across a YouTube video by a pastor with a calling to reach those who THINK they are saved Christians, but in reality their life choices indicate they are going straight to hell at death. PastorBobncc has some videos which sure opened my eyes. I realized unless I was married, sex had to go, and the very first time I told my narc no, he stormed out of my house and left. It’s been about a month and a half now, and he’s only called once to try and entice me into getting together for some “fun”. He said he really missed me but had no plans to marry. After that call I blocked him and got all his belongings together, put them outside, and sent him an email telling him he could come anytime to get his things. He replied and acted confused as to why I blocked him, but said he’d be over in about 45 minutes. I received the shock of my life indeed, about an hour later, because he pulled up with another woman along beside him. I’d never caught him cheating, never really suspected he was, and even though all the articles I read noted that he was probably sleeping around, deep inside I actually believed he had decent morals and a caring nature. In the most cruel and malicious way, he revealed his true colors, finally, two days ago. It was incredibly painful, but I’m very thankful God revealed his true nature to me. I will sum things up by saying God does work in mysterious ways, and sometimes you need to be in obedience to Him before He can show you what you need to know. A week ago, I actually would have married this man who had hidden such a dark, cruel side for eight years. I am so fortunate to find this out in time, and I wonder what other capabilities he hides deep inside. I am praying for him, and his new female. I hope she will pick up on the clues I missed, and find it curious herself as to why I never want to see his face again. It should concern her that she was asked to accompany him to retrieve his belongings which were cast out from my house. All are real big red flags that any woman would be wise not to overlook. Believe everything the experts and victims say about narcissistic abuse and the malevolent individuals who dish it out. You can’t change them, you can’t “play the game” with them, it only gets worse even though at times it seems to get better, and you most definitely will suffer at his/her hands. And the worst part is, you will wind up heartbroken and devastated—while they couldn’t care less, and are even bold enough to prove it to you. My heartfelt prayers to anyone suffering this Christmas…

  11. moving forward

    This will be my first Christmas without my Ex N, every christmas he ruined before the day even arrived, going on about it being nothing but consumerism, yet always expected the biggest and best gift and showed zero appreciation, like others, the first year we were together i got a couple of small gifts, in hindsight they too were for him i.e massage oil of lingerie!!!! Once we even went Christmas Shopping together to get something for his small son who lives away with his mum, i was surprised at how difficult it was for him to buy even his own child a gift but had spent plenty on himself.

    I have now been 9 weeks with NO CONTACT, i learnt from previous times that this golden rule would be the only thing that will save my life, not just emotionally but physically – when he arrives with surgical gloves and rope – that was a bloody big wake-up call.

    This year i have accepted an invitation to spend Christmas with friends, they have kids similar age to mine, and later this week we will get together and discuss menu planning, my family are over seas and Christmas has always been a big anti-climax, this year though there is no N to please so we will ‘actually celebrate Christmas’ with friends, food and fun.

    1. Anonymous

      Stay strong stay focused you spending xmas with people who care about you and want you to have a fantastic time these are true blessings. …
      I don’t get why nc s have to ruin every special moments? ??? …. if it’s not about them it’s not important …..
      Going no contact with my ex nc I’ve told a 1000 xs it’s over its like i say the word s but they hear i love you I’m beginning you please don’t go!!!!WTF!

  12. RecoveringSiri

    Hahaha. This article had me cracking up in laughter. I was laughing so hard. But the sad part is, all of this is beyond so true! In the religion I was raised in, we never celebrated holidays so Christmas, nor any other holidays were really important to me. He would celebrate holidays with his family (mother and step father…. 2 people that hardly have anything to do with him because they are so into each other and their careers). But even though I didn’t celebrate holidays, he would still have attitude issues or rages around those times. I don’t celebrate birthdays, but last year some friends of mine decided to do something nice for me. They had a birthday dinner for me and my favorite restaurant. Afterwards, me and my husband were supposed to go to a club to party the rest of the night, but on the way to the club, his rear view mirror broke when he was trying to adjust it so instead of going to the club, he broke out into a random rage and demanded that I try to help him fix the mirror and I tried but there was no way him nor I could fix it. It had to be taken to the shop to be fixed. He was cursing me out and calling me all kinds of names and saying that he didn’t feel like I tried hard enough. He completely ruined the happiness I was feeling and the plans we had. I no longer wanted to go and I demanded he take me home. I just don’t understand why N’s rage so much, especially when it’s around special times. It’s like they just ruin everything….unknowingly, but definitely ruin it. Well, I don’t have to worry about any of that anymore because he left me for the on and off girlfriend that he had the last 3 years of our marriage (and we are still married as of today, too) because she had his first child and she didn’t want him to be near me because she hates me and considers me a threat so she moved to Florida with their child so he followed. And he is in love with her, I guess, if that’s what you can call it. What’s really sad is she is wayyy more of a N than him. From what I’ve witnessed from her behavior and comparing it from research that I’ve done, she is a Grandiose Narcissist, with Impulse Borderline traits. Smh!!! I guess I just wonder why he “loves” her so much when he would honestly tell me that he felt I was a good woman and that sometimes he felt he didn’t deserve me (and minutes after admitting that, he was extremely rude to me and it completely took away from the special moment we had just had). He not only has this child with her that just turned 1 today, but he has another one on the way with her. But yet, he still makes no effort to divorce me! Ugh!

    1. mothererased

      Can’t you initiate a divorce, Recovering Siri? Don’t waste another minute or bit of energy trying to understand why he “loves” his gf. The only important question is why you don’t love yourself enough to put him out of your life and mind forever.

  13. KMC

    Good to know it wasn’t me….I never got a present for my Bday or Christmas after the first year. Once he had me, I was labled selfish for hoping for a gift. I am on 6 weeks of no contact. So hard. Your repost came at the right time!

  14. I laughed and cheered through this post, Kim? It is so true! And about the twenty dollars…really? My ex-narc spouse gave NOTHING! Not to me, or the kids…and continually insulted others who did give gifts! Grinch for sure! He has the kids Christmas Eve and morning this year….

    1. unofficialnarcissist

      Mine has Xmas even and morning too. My kids usually get toys from his childhood, which is sweet but still all about him. I have to say though, he did get nice gifts. Always befuddled me.

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