narcissist never happy

The Anatomy of Narcissism

Narcissists do not value anything; do not confuse this with you not having value.

Narcissists do not love anyone, do not confuse this with you being unlovable.

Narcissists cannot appreciate the worthiness and beauty of life, do not confuse this with your being unworthy or not being beautiful.

It is normal human behavior to expect an emotional connection to be returned and it is normal to keep trying harder to have it returned, because it does not make sense that your input is not reciprocated, but you are dealing with a person whose internal workings you cannot begin to imagine.

Narcissists are disconnected from life; they have no knowledge, experience, or memory of love or caring. They cannot appreciate beauty. They are not able to replenish themselves; they have no internal resources and are at the mercy of other people giving them what they need. Once they have used up one person they move to the next. When you have recovered some energy that is worth taking, they return.

They know they will be ostracized from society if people know they have no ability to connect emotionally, so they develop in other areas to make themselves attractive – they develop in charm and charisma. But it is important to understand there is no one inside and every breath you spend communicating with them is wasted; they don’t understand and they cannot understand normal emotions.  They will copy emotional words because they have observed it is the best way to get what they want, but there is no substance to them; it is not their fault, but you must not have sympathy for them because they will use it.

They don’t know what loneliness and pain is; they only know that if they can make others feel it they can control them better.

It is a no-win situation and you must disconnect totally from these people. They suffer with a constant, torturous, empty boredom that cannot be healed.

They cannot be happy, they also cannot be sad. They are empty. They can only be temporarily filled up by adoration, but they are full of holes and it leaks out very quickly.

Copyright 2015-2017 Let Me Reach and Kim Saeed  – Based on the work of “Ether”
Photo credit:  Jcdow3Arts

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  1. sandra

    i have no self esteem none at all he never abused me or said ahy bad things about me he hahd sex with his mother he only wants to kissme passionatly with dep emotional feelings and cuddle. he is now depriveing me of sexual relations. he is sooo passionate he says we are just friends i do not understand please help i am seeing him for 1 1/2 years he is 62 i am 66 i am sincerlylooking forward to your response i love him i do not want to loose his he has given me all the affection i nver had cant wait to hear from you sandra

  2. Ashleigh

    I have been in a relationship with 1 for almost 7yrs.
    It has been absolute hell!!! And the sad part is, if you love them you believe you wrong and you believe the lies they tell you tho deep inside you know its not true. But they will convince you. I have been blamed for many things. And when it comes to breaking up, then they all sorry and try get you back but then you in the same hole all over again. And they promise to change and…and…and…it never happens!
    Its hard ending a relationship when you know you weren’t in the wrong, and you want them to know that but they’ll never listen and it will always be your fault.
    Now its time for the healing process…its not easy…but will get there.

  3. Tina Wells

    I’m currently trying to end a relationship with a narc and can’t. Either I give in to my emotions and go back or allow him to convince me to come back. We had another huge falling out tonight because of him hurting my feelings and refusing to even acknowledge the hurtful things said, but he turned it all around and once again accused me of bringing all this “drama” into HIS life again. The hell with the numerous times he has hurt me lately.
    So, what did I end up doing? I foolishly sent him an apology text which he read and chose to ignore. This pattern has been going on for months now but each time I’m ready to walk away, he comes back and I can’t resist.
    We fight constantly but neither one if us will say, ENOUGH!! He claims he has always been the one to walk away from his past relationships. That he could no longer put up with the crazy women he has previously dated. But… if I am as crazy as he claims I am, then why hasn’t he walked away??? I believe it’s because he hasn’t found someone else yet. A feeling I’ve had for some time now. I’ve been calling him out more and more ove his behavior thus past month. He’s become less affectionate, less loving. I’ve noticed a significant change in his behavior for the worse. I believe he’s looking and narrowing down his options for my replacement as I type this… rationally I know that will be my greatest blessing although it’s going to devastate me emotionally because I love him. ?

    1. Tanya

      Tina…you sound exactly like me. I almost thought I typed this message. I have been out for 9 months and yes… I too felt he was narrowing down his options befor the final discard again….he never leaves unless he has someone to go to. It is devestating but a huge blessing in disguise. I will never go back again. 11yrs of this off and on bs is enough. Don’t waste another day life is too short. I think of all the things I could have done and been over the past decade but I wanted to love him and be loved by him so badly that I forfeited my truth to live the lie. But now i see and the rest of my life is mine and I am more thankful than ever to be ALIVE. ♥

    2. tina

      Get out as fast as you can. Cut the cord. Dnt talk to him. Change your number. Don’t answer the door. If you show up in the same place, leave. Your life will be vastly improved a year from now and all you have to tell yourself is you deserve to have the best. Don’t look back on the narc!

      1. Cassie

        Oh Honey, get as far away from him as you can! He’s a bastard so don’t walk, run as fast as you can and don’t look back. None of this is your fault and you don’t deserve it. You are a sweet, kind and empathetic, gentle little girl. He’s the one with the problems not you.

    3. Debra A Bova


  4. Allison

    Oh my goodness, Kim. Thank you for spreading insight and healing about this. I have researched a lot on the subject as a result of my own experience but the clear and direct message of this poignantly written article is very powerful. Heartbreaking to read how rampant this issue is amongst the commenters. But also much comfort to be found that awareness is increasing. They cannot perpetuate darkness through their insidious behavior if we continue to expose it. Sharing this piece wherever I can. Love and light, A

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for your kind praise and encouragement, Allison! I’m happy to know this article gave you a little boost 🙂

  5. Katie

    Unfortunately this is everything I am currently dealing with from my current narc husband. As an empath I am struggling greatly!!!!! The pain he causes me is unbearable. I have recently been pointing out what he’s doing to me and begging him to stop……he tells me I am going to pay for this…..for what? What have I done? He is so heartless and this is so severe. But I love him……. He makes me feel lost, and broken, like a ghost floating through each day.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Katie, I know you love him, but as a fellow Empath who was almost completely destroyed by a narcissist, I would highly recommend you find a way to detach and leave. I was actually more in love with my Ex than ever at the time I left him, but now, I see him clearly for what he really is and through my journey of healing, I no longer have any feelings towards him, good or bad. Wishing you the very best. <3

    2. Anonymous

      Write Down all the things you love about him , then write all the things you dislike about him ,that’s where you will get your answer , love is doing not saying , how can you love someone who treats you like crap , its just that you are used to him , I’d rather be on my own , be strong, get out .

  6. “They cannot be happy, they also cannot be sad. They are empty. They can only be temporarily filled up by adoration, but they are full of holes and it leaks out very quickly.” I run into this type of person a lot in the music business…It is frustrating and no contact is the only way to free yourself. Thank you Kim keep up the good work…xK

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for your kind praise 🙂 I’ve heard from others who are also in the music business that it’s rather rampant with narcissistic individuals…which is quite unfortunate for the genuine and sincere musicians out there <3

  7. Aaron

    What you’re talking about with that emptiness — it is far worse than it may sound on the surface. Blood suckers are not born, as far as I know, they are made. My parents were narcissists, and hid it from me well enough that I didn’t even understand it until my mid to late twenties, when they went way too far in an action that completely destroyed my life. They spent the time systematically breaking me down, and I never understood what their purpose was — and can only see it now in hindsight — by the time I was 13, I was already like them, and I am like that to this day. I spend periods of time where I feel human again — at the expense of my mind working like that of someone with mental retardation — and then go back to feeling empty.

    I will always hate those in my life that did this to me, as long as I have an ounce of my own self left (there are times where I think I don’t, and it’s bad) — I am basically another head on a stick outside their castle — but do not underestimate the pain these people endure — and do not overestimate who you would be in their situation.

  8. Malou Chihiro

    I feel relieve reading your articles, it makes me stronger, I’m currently surviving and trying to suck all the pain the monster is giving me, I was recently discarded again for the new supply, what I can’t understand is why the hell the bastard keeps coming back when I initiate a full no contact?I know it takes two to Tango, I hope to God that I can move on from this hellish emotional turmoil, thank-you for your articles

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for stopping by, Malou. Wishing you all the very best <3

  9. eriellefae

    This is exactly how I feel about my ex narc. He is empty. I was only with him for a few months, but it was long enough to erode my self confidence. I spent months trying to find myself. It is now going on five months since we split. Although, my smile has returned, my old self is forever lost. He truly changed me. It was painful. I am still trying to decide if I have changed for the better or worst. He wrote and recorded a song that describes narcissism perfectly. It should be the narc theme song. He thinks it is cute. He has no idea how much it describes his mental illness.

    “Look into my eyes, what do you see? If you found nothing, you’ve found me.”

    It is amazing how self aware narcs are. They just do not care.

  10. Elise

    I am deeply hurt. I need help although I know this wasn’t my fault. First I came out from an abusive marriage with a cptsd-er. Now I have a kind of similar experience with my brother. The story is too long to tell and mostly too painful. We never had any idea he was that sick when he was a child. Sometimes I don’t know what to do or where to go to ease my pain. I think I need professional help because it feels like I’ve met Satan in my life. Nothing, nobody can stop these people! They are ruining whole family structures, leaving behind a trace of horrible darkness. Oh my God, who created them? It can never be the same Creator that create other normal caring people.
    Fortunately I now have a wonderful husband who leads me through this dark period of my life.

  11. Always Confused

    Hello. My adult daughter fits these traits perfectly. She uses people until they’re devoured, including her 3 year old daughter. She’s just lost custody of her. The child’s father is not much better than my daughter, very self absorbed. Now he has custody he has placed my granddaughter in a childminding centre for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week. I offered to look after her during the week instead, but he said no. The child so craves a connection with her mother, a mother who either will not or doesn’t know how to emotionally connect (unless she needs her child’s comfort). Too sad to watch!

  12. Mark

    I’ve been no contact for a year now, have pulled myself up off the floor, rebuilt my life (although it looks very different from how it was), and am doing the things that make me happy. Right now I don’t think I will ever trust another woman enough to have a relationship again, but it doesn’t feel as if that’s something I’m missing. I’m enjoying the feeling of security and integrity, which was stripped away by her. I am no longer angry about being fooled into thinking she loved me, or hurt by how she plundered my life. I do still think about her son though, who was a good kid. I wish there was something I could do for him, but I know that to contact him would bring down the full wrath of his mother on his head and mine. It still troubles me that he thinks she loves him, when really he is just another pawn in her games. It still troubles me.

  13. Kevin

    my ex is totally this and all her friends are dragging her down. They all act the same way, they only care about them selfs

  14. Caleb

    I have gone through life completely ignorant of the psychological black hole that is narcissism. I had seen the symptoms over the course of the last nine years, but wrote it off as something like depression or a generalized personality disorder and sought to create a better life for my ex. I moved her back to her hometown where finally succeeded in ruining my life, eventually getting custody of our kids and moving in with her equally narcissistic mother. I fear for my children. Is this a genetic thing, or is this behavior learned? I will feel as though I have failed as a father if I allow my children to absorb this as a learned behavior. Any insight would be helpful.

    1. Kim Saeed


      Thank you for reaching out. The origins of Narcissism vary, but it does tend to perpetuate through the generations, mainly because Narcissism and Codependency are typically both defense mechanisms. However, there have been studies that show some pathological people have malformations in certain parts of their brains.

      If she has a parent who is a Narcissist, your Ex likely learned most of her behaviors. (This is speculation based on what you’ve shared and may or may not be accurate).

      What’s your current custody situation?

      1. Patrice

        Dear Kim,
        Would you cover the dynamics of family narcissism? I have a sister (malignant) and mother who both exhibit traits. I see my sister as full blown. Since I was young I’ve been the punching bag and butt of “jokes” for both, my sister, and only sibling, the golden child. She’s an emotional vampire. She and my mother have caused, my therapist believes, cPTSD. I have cut my sister out of my life finally after her showing up on my doorstep recently demanding “we all” apologize and get on..after she exited our lives for 6 blissful years to punish me for creating a boundary with her. Her children were the pawns, which she knew would crush me. I recently learned through my therapist what narcissism is and thankfully, didn’t respond to her showing up on my doorstep or the incessant phone calls. We finally dropped our land line she was calling, because the ring tone caused triggers that physically made me sick. Anyway, long story short.. This has been a lifetime of hell I desperately need to heal from. The only caveat is my father, he’s sickly and I want to see him while I can. This (my father’s sickness, which was blamed on us girls- heart disease) has also been a long, agonizing process (since I was 14) that my mother has used to keep me vulnerable. If you could share advice about family narcissistic abuse, I would appreciate it.

        1. Patrice

          I forgot to add that I am 45 years old & have recently begun my healing process through therapy. My mother always told me therapy is bogus.

  15. Tracey

    This was great. Just needed the reminder that it was never me, BUT HIM! Took me so many years to figure this out and disengage. I always thought he would come around but after gaining so much knowledge on narcissism there is no such thing! I also had to deal with Parental Alienation in the cruelist way 🙁

  16. Laura

    very interesting…Thank you!

    After the discard often feel so Low deprived…abandoned thrown away like trash… we cannot comprehend how someone “human” can do so Inhuman things…

    leaking holes…we could not have known!

    They “pretend” appear normal..though I bet it was not accidental I chose him… instictively I chose what I knew, my father is like that Man hild, co dependent N, mother Scary angry N…..aggressive…I chose emblem of “home”.

    now I try to detach from it, Thanks for the article!

  17. Andy

    Absolutely not. Asperger’s and Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the surface seem a little alike but in substance are totally different afflictions. NPD people will mess up your world. Whereby there are many a beloved professors and teachers and coaches with Aspergers. Aspergers people are just clueless, but not malevolent, as are narcissists.

    1. Bobby Henderson

      Thought my husband had Asperger’s. Once he got angry, he simmered for years, purposely withholding affection. He may have had trouble giving affection but he knew that is what I wanted most. He had an affair because he knew that I would leave him over that. Asperger’s or Narc?

  18. anon

    I am so happy that this post has helped some people. The worse part of narcissism in my opinion, is that they take down some of the most incredible people in the world. People who don’t give up, people who want to understand the mysteries of life, people who want to share good moments and the depth of life with another person. Narcissists do not want their problems solving. They only want the energy you provide in doing so. Such madness, such going round in circles, such a pointless existence for them. It is a shame that they will not feel what other feel when they see a beautiful sunrise or understand the look of love in someone’s eyes, or sharing intimacy. It is a terrible shame, but they do not miss it because they have never known it. They cannot undermine how amazing that is for us. We must not allow it to happen. Having the depth that we have is sometimes a very lonely experience, but in the depths of loneliness we find the most incredible strength, and wisdom that we can then pass on to others. One day of exploring the depth and wisdom we have obtained from a confusing and soul wrenching experience, which is beyond a narcissists understanding, is more valuable than a world full of the most appealing narcissists.

    1. Laura

      Very Beautiful put!!!! Thank you, I needed that

      Yes, they do take down some of the best people. how sick in the head can you be, that the only “joy” you can have, is by hurting others?…

      That makes me most Mad…. I KNOW that he knows that I know what HE IS lol

      I know others too… but by God, I have died hunded times…but I keep on fighting you know for who? For hose people, for future victims….. I have so much insight and experience in this I could be Therapist myself

      But what can I do when I NEED HELP? Its so true what you said, they dont want problems solved. I have gotten to a point that if I would see him dead.. I would not feel thing. just hate…hate because I tried, tried miserable Scum who chose Evil all his life

      They can steal and mimic” your personality many ways he DID and DOES that he steals ppls likes souls..stole mine. But I KNOW no matter if he reaches foreign countries sees Taj Mahal etc…he still sees NOTHING

      bcause he is nothing

      1. tina

        I might have used those exact words to my ex, if you died tomorrow I would not shed a tear for you. That from someone who hasn’t felt a moment of hate in my entire life….until I met him, endured him, survived him.

        1. Mark

          I was surprised to feel that too hey. they build such resentment and we keep drowning it to suit them

  19. Vic

    hi, I too question, born that way or made that way, a childs emotional being, is set when in utero, as well as some from genetics adn environmental as well…. so often I am curious as to what was the state of mind, emotional being, of the mother when carrying this babe, I find human developement, and psychology so interesting… behaviours too, I seem to attract narcissists, the point I myself wondered if I also was one, as one nearly had me convinced! Noooo…… because I can empathise, stand in anothers shoes, see all aspects, feel, respond naturally, connected to my heart and spirity. Thank you for an interesting break down. Cheers Vickie

    1. Done

      I didn’t think it was genetics, but now I think it’s a major role in it. Especially since it’s been disheartening seeing the similarities in our child. And also, there are many many similar traits between my ex-spouse and his father.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Asperger’s does seem to carry some of the same behaviors, according to what I’ve read.

    2. Laura

      It is linked…but Aspergers dont go around CONSCIOUSLY trying to destroy others, its matter of choice!

      A Narcisist is Evil. will smile to your face, cut the hole…wach you falling and make sure you wach him too and KNOW he did it!

      1. J

        I agree completely. I have a friend with Asberger’s who is more of an empath than a narc. It’s possible to be both..but not sure that there’s any correlation.

  20. Lynne

    Thank you ! I have been in no contact with mine for 3 months now and fined that I am confused about who I am! Is this normal ? I question everything and have no faith anymore.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Lynne, yes…it’s very normal to feel this way. In fact, those are the most common symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. What have you been doing in the way of self-care?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you very much for reading my blog and for sharing <3

  21. Amanda

    Are they the same as Devils?just curios but thanks for this information real helpful.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Amanda, that’s a question that ties into whether they were born that way or “made” that way.

      I spent months researching whether narcissists were born without empathy or a conscience or if it was a matter of environment. In the end, I came up with the conclusion that it didn’t matter because they cannot be helped. I do try to keep an open mind in that anyone can change if they want to, but I’ve not come across one single case where a narcissist made any long-term changes.

      They will give the appearance of having changed in order to fulfill their agendas, but they always go back to their natural selves, which includes using others without remorse.

  22. Anonymous

    this has been so helpful….the no contact is absolutely the only way….the loss of my self worth has been harder… is coming back but needed to read this again to day…simply it is him and not me! that simple…analysis paralysis isn’t worth it.

  23. Every point mentioned here about narc is 100% correct.Thank you Kim for helping me to understand them.Thank you so much.

  24. This couldn’t have come at a better time for me. While I can’t “break up” with a parent, I’ve been trying to cut myself off from him for years. I hope one day I succeed.

    1. Commander Bear

      This totally describes my mother! After many years, I did break up with her. My life is so much happier without her in it. My four adult children have “caught” on to her and they have very little contact with her, as in by phone if she calls them once a year on their birthday. They came to this conclusion on their very own. I never thought it would be right for me to tell them the truth about their grandmother. I let them learn for themselves. So my children and I did break up with her, just at different times, as each person matured, and made their own choices. She lives across the city from each of us, but she might as well live in another country as far as we are all concerned. It wasn’t easy for any of us. I had the hardest time, but as I get older and my children are grown, I knew I could no longer take the stress she caused. I enjoy a laid back, peaceful life. This would have not been possible if I had not severed the umbilical cord! Also, I am an only child, who was an accident, who was never wanted. She spent many years making sure I knew this. I am now thankful I don’t have siblings because that would have given her more lives to control and attempt to ruin! So when the time is right for you, you will be strong enough to “break up” with your parent. You will find you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. In time, your life will be so much more peaceful! Good luck! Stay strong! Bear

      1. My biggest difficulty with it is that my sister now has a son with whom my father wants to spend time. My sister also wants to allow her son the choice to have his grandfather in his life. So, my father spends a lot of time where I live.

        I’m holding out hope that he isn’t a true narcissist and that there is hope for a relationship. If he is, and if there is no hope, I will continue trying to remove myself.

        I’m really happy for you and your children having escaped hell! Keep on keeping on. (:

  25. Sam

    It’s fascinating how you say they ‘copy emotional words’, as my narc did this to me frequently. Indeed, not only would he mimic my sentiments but often do so in an undermining way, so that I as then forced to search for other ways to meaningfully express myself which, lo and behold, he would then mimic and belittle, as if to say, ‘Yes, I know what you mean, but I still have the upper hand’. It was incredibly frustrating, and disempowering as, in essence, it meant no matter how hard I tried I could never communicate effectively with him as it always became a one-sided game of one-upmanship – using my own words against me.

  26. Done

    Finally I understand why I alway felt like I was talking to a wall!! And boy can he imitate emotions we he needs to, but when it comes down to it – there is nothing there.

    1. Laura

      his favorite album was P Floyd The Wall….

      y know how much I tried how much I wanted to see him well… but twists everything around turns it into something bad…..

      You cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped!

      now iI am the mess needing Help…not him, hes the same

    2. Laura

      they spend lifetime observing faking it…Actors

      of course they re Good at it!….. but so much destruction behind, so easily replace People like toilet papers…..shows they learned NO-THING! Nothing

  27. Teddy

    All of your posts make total sense to me. You say exactly what I’m feeling allowing me to feel normal and encouraging me to go forward. Nevertheless, there is that part of me that feels so sad for my ex narcissist. It must be a terrible thing to go through life unable to feel true love and always searching for something you’ll never possess.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for commenting, Teddy. I agree with your sentiments. I once felt sorry for my ex, as well. It actually helped me to forgive him for the things he did to me…though I maintained awareness that I couldn’t “fix” him, and also that the relationship would never have changed had I gone back to him.

      1. regina

        Do u have any advice for someone who has a child with someone who is a narcissist?

    2. Mark

      Totally agree Teddy. I’ve come to understand that my ex is destined to go through life not knowing what it is to feel anything but an overpowering need to escape herself. It must be a tortuous existence, and I feel sorry for her. Not enough to allow myself to become embroiled in that exhausting experience again though.

    3. myheart

      I can’t nearly bear the sadness I feel for mine. But I know even if it looks like he has changed and learned and grown. I know that he hasn’t really. What makes that especially difficult is the idea that he looks like changed person but if I were to step back into the picture it goes back to how its always been……hard not to equate that to me being a set back for him and it being my fault rather than recognizing that his change is only cosmetic and just enough to trap another victim.

    4. Feeling sorry for the ex-narcissist is part of the healing process I think. But then you come to a point where you separate the facade from reality and hurt and anger set in from time to time. In my own experience I’ve come to feel sorry for the ex-narcissist new “bait” bc they will endure the same pain and hurt and devaluing that each of us received. These people do not change! That is a sad statement but true.

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