Excuse me, does anyone here speak narcissist?

We may not realize it, but the words that we speak in our native language are full of personal memories, imagery, feelings, and associations that we have built up over the course of a lifetime.

We naturally assume others also share these associations when we are communicating with them and especially when they are communicating with us. However, when learning a foreign language this dynamic changes dramatically. We no longer have a database of emotions to attach to the new sounds we are learning. So, we have to use a type of logic instead.

We know that if we make a series of foreign sounds that the other person will understand these sounds to mean something, and although emotionally it means absolutely nothing to us, to them it has the desired impact.

Eventually, we attach emotions to the new words and we gradually become fluent.

It was only through speaking with narcissists in foreign languages that I discovered that when it came to emotions, they were foreigners in their own language. As soon as it came to speaking about emotions in any way, their speaking style visibly changed. As a foreigner I could clearly see that they were resorting to stock phrases which they could apply to anyone indiscriminately, copying what others say, and either appearing exaggerated in praise or not responding appropriately and all in a way that appeared to be invisible to the people around them, or at least overlooked.

They were totally unable to judge how to apply positive emotions correctly linguistically.  It became perfectly evident to me as a linguist that they had never developed any emotional database to accompany the words that came out of their mouths, they were repeating by rote.

So, when speaking about emotions with a narcissist it is important to remember that to them, they are just foreign sounds that they hope will have the desired impact. Because when it comes to emotions the database is totally empty. 

Submitted by Ether.  Copyright 2017.  


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  1. Kelly

    Great insight. He never asked me to marry him. It was just an email saying “since we are going to be together anyway, you should get on my health insurance plan”. I thought it was so thoughtful that he would think that. But looking back, that was the only thing close to a marriage proposal. And he figured out how to marry me without me being there. He had a minister friend who was with him and he called me and did it over the phone. Just kept implying that we had to do it quick so I could get insurance. Then I was on a roller coaster ride that’s going on 5 years. Wish I could go no contact but there are kids involved. But I’ve got a good lawyer, so it’s on!!!

  2. melissa

    My MIL repeats exact sentences I or my SIL used in front of her (months or sometimes years later), but you remember that you said it to them (like deja’vu) in regards to something and now they are using it. I think she thinks that is the way to get us comfortable with her, or get us to feel she is like us. She talks incessantly about movies and celebrities which is a bit weird considering her age. She plays the perfect part until she rages then the real her comes out. When my nephew was explaining the first time he saw it, he said, “I could not believe grandma would yell like that and she used the F word.” She usually talks in a church mouse voice, like the sweetest thing you ever met (even when she is trying to manipulate you, getting ready to tell lies about you to everyone that will listen).

  3. Lora

    I think can only heal the “hole” by Introspecting… and that is what they are most afraid to do!

    Us, targets diff people who come and go, often dissilussioned, can lead very bad bad consequences suicide …and all, cause simply cant comprehend how your “soulmate” can just forget you.

    Truth is they were always a Fake

  4. Lora

    “Foreign sounds” … Thank you!! you put it so well…

    they never developed a Database real emotional base to connect with themselves….they are detached from themselves. Thats why it is so easy to “forget” things, /memories/years/ children !!! stuff that have emotional impact to us… to them are just Eh. so easy to “move on” they just werent even there”….

    Fabulous post so insightful!

    This also explains mystery of “trying to appear so in Looove” with new target! they might do their best in convincing Audiences “soooo in love” but there are words…. sentences

    they dont “feel” it like we do!

    But to understand the sadism of my N, the lenghts he goes..they way he used to “communicate love me” put stuff songs, I used to for him. Now he uses same method with another one. Maybe in the Idealization phase they are really “under the impression” but their heads switches by the second !!! shaky base……

    THEY are sick… not us

  5. Jules

    All so very true. My favorite was the words would come accompanied by a blank stare. Yes, Jenny, mine loved using phrases from films–and yes, he was a good actor!!

  6. How fabulous to hear this from this perspective! Yes, that empty emotional database that leads them to misapply so many key words and to make statements that leave the rest of us saying “huh?”

  7. Jenny

    Hi there
    How absolutely true…. Well written…. I swear mine used lines from films some times…. He was like a bad actor…. Once he tried to ask me never to leave him in a baby voice…. I was disgusted… It was do do false … I felt embarrassed for him!

    1. debbie

      Yes so cheesy. She would always do that to me. Lines from movies or songs. They have no shame.

  8. Oh yes! Their emotional database is completely empty. And they can only mimic the words.. theycan never incorporate any feeling related to the words they speak.

  9. ayee_teah

    Good one. The database  is   really  empty. They can’t  even say the word  I love you without it appearing  fake. The lack communication  skills  as well when it comes to  appreciating their love one. They act as they are so important  and smart and it’s because of them you do so well

    Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device

    1. Vanessa

      So true! This divorce is going to be crazy! I’m in counseling now!

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