hamster wheel conversations narcissist

Hamster Wheel Conversations with the Narcissist

One of the most important aspects of maintaining No Contact and moving towards recovery is being able to see your narcissistic partner for who they truly are. 

They appear so genuine sometimes, and we make the mistake of assuming they must have some understandable reason to be hurtful.  We find it too hard to accept the idea that some people are simply cunning, devious and ruthless. 

After all, we shared our very selves with them. We trusted them.  We loved them.

A common struggle among people who reach out to me for coaching is getting stuck in a crazy cycle of trying to “make” their partner understand the pain they’ve caused them.  They try to “make them” understand how they are supposed to act as caring partners.

Narcissists are very cunning in the way they can push our buttons and keep us engaging with them time and again…even though it’s absolute insanity and nothing ever gets resolved.  They say things which go straight to the center of our hearts, but it’s important to realize they are simply saying things by rote, much like speaking a foreign language to relay a particular message, but with no real meaning behind what they say.

One reason we keep having the same conversations with them trying (in vain) to make them understand what they’re doing is that we think they might eventually acknowledge how they’ve hurt us.  But they literally don’t understand most emotional language.  There have in fact been studies and experiments performed on pathological narcissists which revealed that saying to them, “You’ve hurt me and broken my heart” registers the same as, “Can you pass the salt?”

That’s why you can’t make them “get it”.  They don’t have any memory of what it’s like to love or care for someone.  They have always only cared about themselves.  They know what things to say and how to act from observation only.  So, when you say anything to them regarding your feelings, they have no clue what you are talking about…and because of this, they have no way to turn the situation around except to blame you for everything.

That’s why, while you are attempting to have a sincere conversation with them about your relationship, all they can do is blame, name-call, and act like a complete juvenile.  (Though some juveniles are far more mature).

This is also one of the reasons why they will never change.  If you continue to maintain contact with them, they will continue to manipulate and exploit you because that’s what their nature is, in spite of how “wonderful” they were in the beginning.  

Copyright 2017 Let Me Reach and Kim Saeed

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  1. Taking a break from working at home to try and figure out why I always feel like I need a drink after a ‘conversation’ with my boyfriend of 10 years. Yes, it’s taken me 10 years to figure out that we don’t have a deep relationship, just a very surface one with lots of fun. When I try to bring up our relationship, somehow it always ends in a fight with me crying. I have no idea why it’s taken me this long to figure out it’s his way of shutting the conversation down. He’s a skilled manipulator, which I’ve known for a long time, but I didn’t realize he was narcissistic. Thank you for this article.

  2. I wished I had know this 3 years ago while of course I did not know that my ex was a narc. during and after our relationship I figured out that he had a mental problem. But nonetheless er only communicated because we had kids and I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride just about every conversation was the same about getting back together and how he had learned his lesson and was going to change,who was at fault – even though he would tell me it was his in order to let my guard down. but will tell everyone else it was mine. I would setup up boundaries but every time I did they slowly were dismissed as the narc doesn’t know what boundaries are. It amazes me that i still have a sound mind after dealing with all this drama for so many years. I have finally gotten a restraining order and don’t call nor text, which has given me a perfect peace of mind.

  3. I left my NPD fiancée. It has been four months NC. It shall forever remain that way.

    I have just recently had the strength to finally listen to some recordings I had made during hamster wheel conversations/disputes. Tonight was the first time that I ever listened to them since I recorded them six months ago. They don’t even compare in insanity to the first initial ones we had months before, but at least it’s a recording of something. I find my road to recovery is being compromised by PTSD. It comes in waves and it is most destructive. I know many have said that they would have loved to have had a recording of these hamster wheel conversations to prove this insanity……I have them. I don’t know what to do with them. I have posted many emails and texts from him on this site. I search in vain on the internet to find “real” texts, emails and hamster wheel conversations posted by survivors….I have found nearly none.

    Does anyone have any information or knowledge with regard to finding real examples of their words, emails and conversations? Are there any real audio samples anywhere? Does anyone have advice for me as to what I can do with my audio recordings? I can’t stop thinking that it will help someone, somewhere, sometime…….

    I can’t accept that the trauma and abuse that I have suffered from my NPD relationship was meaningless. I can’t move on by sweeping this under the carpet. I have to make sure that my voice from this experience is heard, and that any information I can pass down might help another in the future.

    Where do I post these messages? Where do I post the audio? Do I post it at all?
    I’m struggling…….please advise. Lend me your wisdom.

    1. Kim Saeed

      newmwandfree, thank you for commenting and sharing your experiences. I would probably contact an attorney first to make sure you can’t be sued if the recordings were made without the other person’s knowledge. Another alternative is to transcribe them and just identify the other person as your narcissistic ex. Hope that helps!

      And by the way, your suffering isn’t for naught. This experience happened so you could heal the wounds you’ve carried with you since before you even met the Narcissist. It is a process of exploration and discovery and one that requires dedication and commitment to yourself and your healing. <3

      1. Well put, thank you Kim. Funny how one little silly thing done can get us sued….and each and every one of them remain out there free as a bird not behind bars for abusing us: using those same words and conversations. Those audio recordings and emails are the only tangible proof I have of the abuse besides the mental trauma. It’s hard to accept that the physical abusers can be charged quite easily for leaving visible scars, but the emotional and psychological abusers such as my NPD ex get away with it scott free. This is quite the difficult road in recovery. Thank you for being a sounding board for us all to have a voice. I think it’s time to leave this all behind now. I’ve learned so much and gained so much from reading and posting, but now it’s time to stop sending messages, stop reading messages and work on my inner self. He has done what he has done, and the only thing left to do is for me to break free of his hold forever by moving on to a better place with myself and not rehash his words and messages any more. One step at a time and one day at a time life will get easier. Thank you, all of you, for your love, support and understanding. It’s time for a new kind of healing and a healthier outlook on life : )

  4. Reblogged this on I'm Still Me ~ Only Stronger and commented:
    I needed this. When my ex-narc acts like a human after periods without contact, I start to think he’s changed. Let the co-parenting begin! I always get burned.
    I also struggle with thinking I’m crazy. He’s out there acting somewhat normal right now, so perhaps I am just being unforgiving or hard to deal with.

  5. Surayya

    Kim , I have two questions. Firstly why is it even after roaring moments with my ex narcissist he still continues to pursue me? How many here in this forum have gone through or are going through this ? He responds saying I like how you get mad at me, I love you even more!! Secondly, is there an expiration date for these narcissists with their behaviors. I was married off to a man twelve years my senior. He came to India we married and we settled In USA. It was a year into my marriage did i notice he was receiving lots of calls in the nights, and he would leave our beautiful home and talk outside. Once I checked his phone to see all these women’s numbers. I didn’t say anything I just watched his behavior. He started getting verbally abusive , insulting me picking out my flaws , telling me how ugly I was and not fit to the standards of the so called women here!! Oh i don’t want to go that memory lane again. But to cut it short, Thank God I live here in USA and having being educated I divorced him. So he is nearing 50 now!! is there time limit for their behavior? When will it all end and the world crash for them? I am moving back to India, but until than his pursuit has not stopped . I have heard he has been seen with many other women too!! I hope he doesn’t find out I am moving , the thought scares me if he does.

    1. Done

      Like so many on here we have allowed our NP to have control and we are struggling to take control back. One of the main ways of doing this is the No Contact that Kim is always posting about, it has done wonders for me!! As long as you respond to the NP it feeds into them and they maintain that control. We need to stop the “roaring moments” it only feeds them, NO CONTACT or Limited Contact when children are involved, but by no means let them goat you into those “roaring moments” a no response is so much more effective in not letting them maintain any control over us. I have completely blocked my NP on my phone, the only way of contacting me is by email, this way I have the choice to respond or not and when. And I only do so when it envolves my children, otherwise I ignore the NP which drives the NP nuts! If there is anything else that I may need handled that involves the NP I contact my lawyer and let the NP rake up the lawyer costs.

      1. Surayya

        oh Done, you so right,!! trust me i have gone NC for seven whole months, than he shows up again, i ignore it all, block all different numbers he calls from..than he gets solicits his friends and family ,got to me, In our Indian culture divorce is bad omen. My parents feel ashamed about it, the old school thought. so when he continues to pursue, they don’t understand anything about narcissist behavior. They insist i go back to him , since he begging for me . They say if i take him back and love him he will be changed man. Sorry I not buying that. I respect them but I refuse to go that path ever again. You right they control that is why when they see we respond by roaring at them , it doesnt scare the away , on contrary it gives them even more power to continue with their pursuit..okay back to NC again and turn a deaf ear if he ever calls again, It has been a week since he last called.

        1. Kim Saeed

          It takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself against society’s blindness, especially when faced with a culture’s traditions such as yours, Surayya. Stay strong, and continue standing up for what you know is right.

  6. This really helped me today. As you know, I live i a situation with narcissists and I keep falling into the trap of “hope” with them….sigh…

    1. Kim Saeed

      I know how that feels, Kimberly. It’s very frustrating to say the least.

  7. Mary

    I had something happen to me today that kind of woke me up to the depth of abuse and control I suffered. I got tickets to a rodeo from my boss who owns a chain of feed stores. There will be several others from different stores there as well. It dawned on me that if I was still with the Narc, I would not have allowed to attend, even though he would have been invited as well. This thought helped me to get a little more of my power back. The Narc I was with had kicked and screamed when I visited friends and family. Sometimes successfully keeping me away from them. Hopefully these kind of realizations will continue to get the hold off of me and make me understand just how sick he really is, and to know how not to ever succumb to this kind of treatment again. I am worth a lot more than that. And I know it.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Mary, good for you. It’s wonderful to know you are in a position to compare your new life to the old one, highlighting how your life is changing for the better. Kudos!

      1. Mary

        Thanks Kim, it means a lot that you answered this comment. I also wanted to comment on the psychic connection that is so strong with the narc. I still feel it, but not only am I working to close that connection, I’m trying to see if there is a way I can suck back the energy he took from me and deflate him instead. I think it would be awesome. I gave him so much time, encouragement and energy when he was down and out, that he even said that I was the only person that had done so much for him. He did do well, he got a great job and a good position, where before he was floundering and having a hard time making ends meet. Once he was squarely on his feet, he continued to take my energy until it was gone, then he dumped me the day after I said I wanted to step up the relationship. Of course he had someone lined up at this point so it was very easy for him to dump me. That was in October. December he drove by my house, saw me and sent a text that said “was good to see you, hope you found something that works for you”. I sent a text back that said ” was good to see you too” then I blocked his phone number and blocked him from my Facebook. So NC since December no face to face contact since October. Very hard, but finding the freedom to be much nicer than the relationship (if that’s what you call this crap) with him. Whew! What a ride….I just hope that anything I share can help others realize that to a narc, it’s all about them. And to us left behind, its a ride we need to forget. There is a beautiful life out there just keep moving forward and take the blessings as the appear. <3

    2. Surayya

      hello Mary, very brave of you!! May I ask have you found a way to suck back the energy ? If you feel you have please share it here with us , I would love some tips. Thank you.

      1. Mary

        Hi Surayya, what a beautiful name you have. In answer to your question, I am working on that now. There are SO many websites with info on narcissistic relationships. One of them basically had a heading that said something to the effect of “do you want to heal or just whine about it”? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do want to heal. So that started my wheels turning in my brain. Turn about is fair play, right? Not in a mean way. I can’t do that. I am too empathic for that. So I figured that the thing that relationship breakup web sites say the first thing to do is to take back your power. Which is extraordinarily hard after the kick-you-when-you’re-down treatment we get from the discard phase. So, if you can start there, and do things like say, for instance, your narc didn’t like you wearing lipstick, then start wearing some. Or wear your t-shirt tucked in because YOU liked it that way, and your Narc didn’t. My narc didn’t like me taking a bath he insisted I take a shower. So I take long soaking baths. Stuff like that helps you to get your power back to you where it belongs and always did, we just gave it up to please THEM and left ourselves from being happy because it didn’t meet with the narcs approval. Now, I have been thinking I would like to take back what he stole from me, which is my energy. Everything I gave him that was mine. Like getting your favorite cd back or a book or whatever was important to you. Well, getting all my power back is important to me, like a loan that needs to be repaid. So anyway, I have been reading up some on how we have this psychic “cord” with everyone but particularly with narcs because that is what they want from us anyway is our energy. And after they take it all then we are useless, a “flat tire”, and that is when we are dumped for the new supply, right? So I thought, why not, instead of cutting the cord right away, try to “deflate” him somewhat by retrieving some of the energy back first? Well it has already worked somewhat. If you can “feel” when your narc is thinking about you (to extract more energy, of course) mentally reverse that energy, a shield if you will, and not only reverse what he is trying to pull from you, but when you “mentally” shove that back at him, when you pull back, extract energy back. I had that experience yesterday as a matter of fact. I had a huge overwhelming feeling that he was pulling from me, I did push back, and guess what happened…I’m driving down the road and guess who passed by me in his car? My ex narc! And I haven’t seen him in over a month…and what was really phenomenal was that the energy went from powerful to almost nothing! It was amazing! Like he felt me telling him to back off and he did! Today I was better…energy level for me is much higher, and the current I had been feeling between us went from high voltage to almost nothing. So I’m going to push back anytime I feel this. And see if it continues to work. I don’t know if this will work for everyone or even anyone, but it worked for me this time. Mind game? Maybe. But I intend to never let him take ME from ME ever again. If I never saw him again I know I would feel him and that is what does me the most damage. So getting my energy back is most important, then I won’t be reminded of him as often, and he will eventually just be a memory that comes up every now and again, as it should be. Sorry for being so long with this. Didn’t know how to say it any other way.

  8. Can you please provide some insight into the narcissistic personality towards pets, co-workers and other relationships?

  9. Donna Ventrudo Costa

    Wow…he used to tell the stupidest joke that didn’t make sense… but he laughed and laughed…. I read how they also don’t get humor… point being one of the lines was “pass the salt” so needed this today was thinking of the hamster wheel of his incessent chatter…but worse thinking of all the great time’s we had and things we did and what was that?!?! Oh right the mask…the blah blah blah to distract and the love bombing to keep his place in my home.. sometimes the illusion is hard to let go of. But I am happy to say it is getting better and better. Have been NC for 4 months?

  10. Cindy Viol

    They know what they are and are proud of it. GRiFter used to have this saying on his FB: “What we are never changes. Who we are never stops changing.” When I met him I wondered what that meant and continued to wonder throughout the “relationship.” After I educated myself on NPD and Narcissists, I understood completely. “What” he is–A malignant Narcissist. “Who” he is–Whoever he needs to be to ensnare new Supply. Based on what I now know about how his disordered mind works, he was warning all Supply he is a Narcissist. Anyone too stupid to heed the warning, was fair game and perfect Supply. And deserve what ever happens to them after the fix is in. Cold. Calculated. Intentional. Zero feelings.

  11. Anonymous

    I recently (April 2014) was dumped for my narcs new supply, and as I type this and grasp really how many months it has been its shocking because in some ways it feels like yesterday, yet I’m just now feeling like I’m coming out of that dense fog and can feel the me I use to be…but better for coming out on the other side. I happily stumbled across Kim’s site bout December 2014 just googling options of my feelings to see if anyone in this world “got me” otherwise I knew I really was crazy for what I, my son and his sons witnessed for our 5yr relationship. I cannot tell Kim and all of you how much relieve it is to have found all of you and to read our journeys, my whole heart goes out to each of us, and as I read each post to gain knowledge I gain strength. Its a NC situation since July 2014 but doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating to me because of the typical cowardly way the narc does their thing, 5 yrs together, 4 living together, engaged since Oct 2012, April 7 2014 he walks in the door says it ain’t working and by May 6 2014 me my son and our Boxer Nika were in our new residence, May 18 2014 his new supply was at his home (he had his boys that wknd which had never met her) and she stayed a week, real nice. I was told early June 2014 that she changed her status on FB to in a relationship with him and one particular comment said something bout “hasn’t this been going on awhile”, no duh. Anyone that is blessed to stumble across this site as I did and if ( and be real to yourself when reading) these messages and posts resonate with you make a plan to find your real self again cause your living on a “Hamster Wheel” .

  12. Surayya

    oh wow i love the comparison. I was doing great with my NC and his silent treatment with me i have moved on too, now he not only continues to pester me but even involves his friends and family to coax me to accept him back !! i thought i gave up on being the hamster but I see i have been caged again!! emotionally once again i feel so stuck and back to ,no not crying, but more like “god when is this going to end?” I have tried hard to cut it off but now i feel this is total harassment!

    1. Kim Saeed

      I can relate, Surayya. They do often solicit their friends and family once we cut off contact. It will end. Just keep telling yourself, “This won’t last forever”. That’s what I did. Sure enough, it all came to an end eventually. Hang in there 🙂

      1. Surayya

        Kim to my understanding yours left States and went back home and remarried! But my ex narcissist refuses to re marry and insists he wants to marry me.(he has his family and friends fooled he is repentant and is now living a good clean life, But I am no fool ). My parents coming from old school thought, are convincing me to accept him back, since it is not good at my age to be a spinster,” what will the world say?”,I am told. Anyways I am excited to go to India ,and taking my parents along too. I have closed down everything here though. In India, with my degree, I am sure I will get a great job there . There is nothing like HOME. So he can harass me as much as he wants, but he is of no knowledge I leave in March and hopefully will settle there.

  13. margaret smith

    That so described my ex-husband! And now I’m seeing it in my son. It’s very painful to watch.

  14. Carrie Reimer

    I just wanted to add something my ex said to me after we split and I think it was one of the few things he was actually honest about. He told me that when I cried and told him he had hurt me he thought I was trying to manipulate him. It makes sense because they have no idea how to really feel and imitate the emotions of others in order to manipulate them, they just assume everyone else is doing the same thing.
    Their whole life is based on “winning” and getting what they want, AND getting you before you get them. They also thrive on the pain of others, it symbolizes their power over the victim, if they can make you hurt and cry then they are in control of you so by telling them they hurt you, you are in essence telling him he is achieving his goal and the abuse will continue.
    I tried to not react thinking that if he didn’t get the payoff he was looking for he would stop but that only made him try harder, upping the anti until I couldn’t help but to react.
    It is a no win which ever way you look at it.

    1. Anonymous

      This is my situation EXACTLY. thank you for commenting….

    2. Terri

      That is exactly what mine told me. That I was trying to manipulate him by crying because he hurt me. I caught him privately chatting on Facebook with women behind my back and I asked him what was going on. Because he was ignoring me for a week but chatting with them. He lied so well that if I had not known for sure what he was doing, I would have believed him. So I showed him a screen shot of one of their conversations and I said, Explain that. He started with a string of excuses, lies and tried to actually blame me for it. And wanted me to feel bad for even bringing it up. I was crying and that’s when he said Your just crying cause you want to manipulate me into feeling bad. Well I don’t feel bad your a nightmare and no man could ever put up with you.
      There was not once shred of human compassion at all it was nothing but sheer contempt. He turned into a different person that I didn’t even know…it shocked me. I seen the real him.

  15. It takes a few times repeating myself to finally get this as truth. You can’t go back. They will never change. I always end up being the only person in the room that’s hurting when the repeating starts. I like the way you laid this out in your post. 🙂

  16. Cindy

    Your articles are the first emails I read each morning!! They ALL help!! Today’s one was such a great reminder to get off the hamster wheel!!!

  17. L D

    Another great post, Kim! I used to drive myself crazy thinking, “Maybe I didn’t phrase that right?! If I’d only said it this way instead of that way, blah, blah, blah!” I found with my ex that saying he hurt me was either registered blankly like ‘pass the salt’ or would send him into a rage because I “made” him look bad by saying he hurt me and that my saying I was hurt was actually more hurtful to him and that he felt like the one being emotionally abused!!. Wow, how they can turn anything around! Also, a great title for your post! Sums it up!! 😉   From: Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed To: wonderingif1@yahoo.com Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2015 7:09 PM Subject: [New post] Hamster Wheel Conversations with the Narcissist #yiv3037784956 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv3037784956 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv3037784956 a.yiv3037784956primaryactionlink:link, #yiv3037784956 a.yiv3037784956primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv3037784956 a.yiv3037784956primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv3037784956 a.yiv3037784956primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv3037784956 WordPress.com | Kim Saeed posted: “One of the most important aspects of maintaining No Contact and going on to recover is being able to see your narcissistic partner for who (and what) they truly are.  They can seem so genuine sometimes, and we make the mistake of assuming that they mu” | |

    1. NewMe

      LD – same scenario here – he often did something or said something that put me in a compromising position. I would voice my concern, (please don’t put me on speaker phone in front of your young children without my knowledge) and the response was “Stop giving me trouble” Now being upset from him saying that I was “causing him trouble” I said that I was hurt from that statement because I was not causing him trouble by any means. He fixated on how I was now still talking about the speaker phone, and shot back insults that I had no right to feel hurt, and furthermore, why should he apologize for NOT hurting me, if it was HE who was hurt and offended first by me! Long story short – I was not allowed to be “hurt” by anything he said or did because he was not hurting me. I should ask for clarification in the future before “feeling hurt”.
      Wow, that’s difficult to hear out loud now……
      Basic human right taken away – the right to have feelings. Any feelings, good or bad, regardless if there was no “intent” to hurt any feelings. I have the right to have feelings and I have the right to tell you if something you did or said hurt me. Period. Endo S!

      He will never take away my right to feel again. Moving forward, I will never allow anyone to take this away from me ever again.
      Love & Laughter.

  18. Love the correlation to the hamster wheel. Very true!! We try to communicate but get caught in vicious cycles with no end. Thanks for sharing all that you do.

  19. Anonymous

    I wish I never met or fell in love with the narcisist in my life. I wrote him a letter today expressing my feelings, trying to make him understand once more how I feel. every time I express my feelings to him, he says i am picking a fight. I guess he is the only one allowed to feel feelings and to be able to express them. I wish I were dead. It would be better than feeling this heartache over and over again…28 years of loviing a narcissist…and I’ve never been loved back n matter what i have done…no matter how good a friend i am to him. I am just a piece of shit. Thats it, isnt it?

  20. Teresa

    4 months ago I left an 18 year relationship, I was ousted from our house and left with nothing but the clothes on my back, leaving my cat and everything that belonged to me and at age 61 it was very scary. I spent every day for 17 years searching for answers, trying to understand his behavior, lies and infidelities. He even had an affair with my 23 year old son’s gf and I forgave him. This past April I started going to a therapist and after 6 months of weekly sessions I finally realized that I was coda and lost myself entirely. I began setting boundaries, working out, lost weight and feeling stronger and better about myself and he retaliated!!! I have filed for a divorce and of course he locked me out of bank accounts, credit cards and our safe at home that had all of my jewelry, passport,ss card etc. unfortunately he is still controlling my life for now, my attorney is taking care of everything and hopefully I will get back what is mine. I realize now that I was hanging on to an illusion. The sick part is that I am really grieving the loss!!! I have stayed strong and have had NC, but it has been so very hard. I am so happy that I found this site, Thanks to all!!

  21. Done

    Been on that hamster wheel for far too long!! It amazes me that no matter how many times I, or his children as a matter of fact, have told him to stop deflecting the issues back on to us or laying guilt trips on us – they no longer work on us or have any effect. He can still continue to try to do so and even have the nerve to say he is not doing these things even when it’s blatenly obvious that he is…… So glad he is now someone else’s problem!!! Just a matter of time before he screws her over just like he did me, his children & business partner……and when it happens – NO sympathy here, that’s what happens when you knowingly get involved with a married man still living with his family! No contact is such a relief, which also drives him nuts too!

  22. mike

    Once again Kim…you’ve hit the nail on the head! A hamster wheel of conversation is a perfect way to describe it.

    Just last week, my ex narc told me on the phone “I DO still care about you…after all you’re the father of my kids. I’d like to sit down and have a heart to heart soon.” Keep in mind that we’ve been divorced for 5 1/2 years, she’s remarried and has a baby with him. I’ve been on this ride many many MANY times. She wants something…don’t know what yet, but time will tell. The only time the narcs tell you they “care” about something is when they have a hidden agenda…or when they need the salt passed. We have kids together,so I have to maintain some contact with her, otherwise I would have gone completely no contact a long time ago.

    My narc ex also began interrogating me the other day. The conversation began talking about taking our kids to the dentist…until I interupted, “What’s the REAL reason for your call?” The question caught her offguard, but lo and behold along comes her interrogation. She starts asking invasive, personal, non of her business questions. Heck she even asked me about what tax credits I expect to get this year. Stuff that she has nothing to do with. I swear to god, she just phishes for anything. I told her I dont have to put up with her harassing and invasive interrogations, and she had the gall to say “oh yes you do!” So, I reminded her that there is nothing in the law or the court orders that say I even have to talk to her…then click!

    I think my ex is getting the idea that I am beginning to exercise power over my own life. She doesnt like it, but I for one am getting off of the hamster wheel.

    Thanks again for your awesome insight Kim!

  23. This is so true. NO CONTACT! Wow and I somewhat learned the hamster wheel concept when I was still married but silly me I kept trying because I just thought some it was me. Well I was married over 30 years. This situation was so frustrating that it nearly drove me over the edge. Luckily he left (he was cheating and she was going to tell) and I divorced him. I have found that no contract had saved me a lot of frustratation and has helped me to evaluate myself.

  24. So true! The decision to go no contact with my abusive ex was hard! I remember that moment when I made the decision because I knew that I would have to give up things that I love. Like my pets. It was sooo hard for me to give them up, I loved them so much. But there I was, in a domestic violence shelter & he still found ways to control me be threatening to get rid of them while I was looking for a new place to live because they couldn’t stay with me at the time. The sickest thing about people like that? I guess he found a way to follow me on Facebook. So once I finally was away from him on the other side of the country and settled, he found a way to contact me. See, I own an online business and he pretended to be a customer just to open the initial dialogue. After 10 minutes of talking with this supposed customer, he finally told me it was him. And the 1st thing he brought up? My pets that I left behind because he KNEW that he could get to me that way. I was going to just block him and forget it, but him mentioning my pets gave me pause. How they miss me so much. How they haven’t been the same since I left. How dare I “ninja” myself across the country to my home state. Event hough he was the one to kick me out in the 1st place. He almost got me back into his web, it almost worked… Almost. I had to take a step back and re-read everything that he was saying to me. Something I started to learn through therapy by recognizing abusive behavior and point blank manipulation. So after I took that step back I then shut it down and blocked him. So I’m happy to say that I’ve been no contact for almost 3 months now. And I’ve never been happier! ♥

  25. JoAnne

    Thank you! I am finally sticking to the modified no contact policy I have with my ex. Just today he once again tried to suck me back in by sending multiple emails. But I don’t bite anymore and I feel so empowered.

  26. Mary

    Wow you are one strong lady, lady! I spent nearly 4 on/off years with one of those narcs and 18 years and upward is inconceivable to me. I would have probably been an alcoholic by that amount of time. And it’s interesting you say that he has your jewelry and valuables in a safe. My narc, who I didn’t live with when he went final discard, wanted me to put my savings in his safe. Because he didn’t trust my bank. I changed banks. He didn’t like that bank either. I lost a lot financially by listening to his advise. I’m glad I was wary enough to not put my cash, what little I had, I his safe. How ironic. I wasn’t completely duped because by then he had already done several silent treatments. I trusted my gut on that one, and now looking back that is when I started to get out of my fog. I still mis that sorry sob too which is really mind boggling. Keep going, you’re doing great!

  27. Mary

    This is too funny. The more I read the more I see what I have been going through with this so called “man”, I used to say he talked in circles…ok, the hamster wheel title makes so much sense. You know, I have wondered so many times wtf, am I the one with the issue here, or am I calling him a narcissist just to put a “name” to it, what am I trying to do here? Well, the more I read the more sure I am that yep, he’s a narc….

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