narcissist wants to be friends

Narcissists and the “Let’s Be Friends” Scam

You and your Narcissistic partner have agreed that things just aren’t working out between the two of you. 

You’ve heard all the reasons why you could never be an ideal companion for them.  

In the middle of the discussion, he or she turns, gives you a pensive look and says, “I know we can’t be together, but I care about you a lot and don’t want to lose you completely.  Can we just be friends?”

You might as well call their new supply and invite him or her to stay in the bedroom where you and the Narcissist sleep together.  In fact, expect your bedroom to turn into community property as the Narcissist plays the both of you like fiddles.

Before we go into why their “Let’s be friends” suggestion is the most ridiculous scam ever, let’s examine why the two of you agreed that the relationship is over.

The Narcissist’s reasons for why it won’t work

  • Although you’ve forgiven them for their numerous indiscretions, they don’t like hearing about how it’s hard on you and causes you emotional pain.  Can you please stop bringing that up?
  • They just can’t understand why you refuse to have a threesome with another girl. Other people do it all the time, just like everyone in the world is addicted to porn.  Why can’t you stop being a prude?  In fact, his last girlfriend went on Craigslist and found the perfect companion for their threesomes.
  • So what if she forgot your birthday last year and went out with someone else? That was a year ago already.
  • It’s not their fault you found an online dating profile on their phone. Why were you peeking in places you had no business doing so?  That’s a direct violation of their privacy.
  • On that note, that nude sext on their messenger was obviously sent from a wrong number. What are you so upset about?
  • They have every right to take a breather when things get hairy in the relationship. Everyone needs their space, regardless if it’s two days or two months.  Geez, get with the program.
  • If you’d accepted their “fear of commitment”, things would probably have worked out.
  • If you’d not gained that weight, they wouldn’t have needed to find another person for sex.
  • You gave them that money. What are you complaining about now?
  • Hey, you knew they were cheating and took them back, anyway. You don’t really have a leg to stand on…so what’s with the nuclear meltdowns?

Your reasons for why it won’t work

  • You’re tired of being cheated on, made to feel unworthy, taken for granted, and mistreated… verbally, emotionally, and financially.
  • You’re DONE with living the same week over and over like a nightmarish version of the movie, Groundhog Day,
  • See #1.  This is what will continue if you agree to remain friends.

As for why the “Let’s be friends” line is an epic scam, all you need to do is review the above reasons for why the relationship isn’t working.  First of all, how can someone who’s mistreating you in such brutal ways ever make a good friend?  In fact, why would you be willing to keep someone like that in your life?  Sure, they may have given you the impression that they cared at some point in history, but would you treat your friends like that?  Would you want your son or daughter dating someone like that?

I doubt it.  And you shouldn’t settle for such trickery, either.

So, why does the Narcissist suggest being friends?

  • Is it so the two of you can accept your differences, yet remain loyal comrades after having learned valuable relationship lessons? Nope!  Not a chance.
  • Perhaps so that you can give each other pointers on career moves and financial strategies? Dream on!
  • So they can remain in the picture as a loving authority figure for your children? What a doozie!

The Narcissist makes this suggestion for one reason only.  They don’t want to commit, yet they want to keep you around as an option–including in the bedroom–as well as maintain their influence and control over your life.  They know full well that it would be impossible for you to move on, much less heal from their abuse, while they are still around. You simply cannot look at things in a different light while being right in the middle of a situation.

The only solution is to step outside your situation … and after a while, you will see things in a different light.  You will learn more about yourself and what really happened in the relationship. It will feel like an awakening.

Yep, it’s that simple.  If you are considering being “friends” with a person who considers you an option while treating you like an outcast from skid row, then you may want to investigate the reasons why you’re considering such an arrangement. 

More importantly, you’ll want to entertain the idea that there are people out there in the world who would actually appreciate you, care about your dreams, and love you.

Copyright Kim Saeed 2018


  1. Jenna

    I am two weeks no contact with my ex narc! Stay strong everyone. I just want to tell everyone to hang in there! Sending love and positivity ❤️

    1. Kim Saeed

      Kudos and high-fives on your bravery and persistence, Jenna! 🙂

      Kim XoXo

  2. Anita

    I have been on and off with my narc for over 4 yrs. I could write a book on it all. But to an average person it wouldn’t be believable. The mental, verbal and physical abuse became unreal. Ive been no contact for 2 months now again but I do feel this was the final discard. I am 63 yrs old ( he is 51) and I keep seeing the black in his eyes, the evil on his face when he held a knife at my throat, and realize, this is him. He is possessed by so much evil he cant change. Its taken me alot of trama to finally realize, I have too much to live for. In spite of it all, I AM a good person. I just made some lousy choices in relationships. But everything I have ever done was never out of vengeance or to hurt another human being. I have too many good marks in my life that would prove to the contrary. I tell myself this every day as many times as i need to to try to recover. I am having alot of PTSD symptoms, lots of nightmares, and alot of anxiety issues. But for the most part, Im doing well. I know what the causes are and I have removed that from my life forever, before he removed my life first. I am learning to be cautious but learning to appreciate the things that are so important to me. So I am at least learning….. Hang in there to all of you with narcs in your life. And as hard as it is, let them go.. These writings have helped me so much and the comments from others let me know, we are not alone in this and there is light st the end of the tunnel and you fell into this trap because you ARE a kind, caring, empathetic soul. Dont let the narc destroy that. Love you all!

  3. jerry r hawkins

    Hi everyone! I was married to a Narc. 5 years, but with her for 14 LONG years, and it was plain hell. We have been apart for 4 years and some how, I still feel attached. She has put out little “feelers” through her best friend who I just blocked on F.B. and everywhere else I could think of, and I feel better about the No Contact. Until recently, I had not even thought about her friend being part of this whole control thing. She was very good about controlling me, but took a few years to refine her hold on me and isolate me from the outside world. She was masterful at what she did. I read other peoples comments, and can relate wholeheartedly. This woman even divorced me WHILE I was living with her! Has anyone out there ever heard of that??

  4. Sky

    Ah this article is word for word my life. Struggling right now with this. I finally left mine after all the abuse and cheating and lies. Basically text book what is on this website, I lived a nightmare for the last 6 months and spent a lot of it locked in a bedroom. I moved out and ended things with him and he spent the next month trying to get in contact with me and get me back. I finally caved a week ago and we have slept together a few times (6!) since then. As usual only when convenient for him. In the meantime he has slept with his ex, gone on dates and is now ‘in love’ with someone else (which I only know from peeking his phone – why am I still doing that?). He wants me to spend Christmas with him and his family I am so conflicted. His new supply has kids and can’t see him much so I am now his backup option. How can I have been so strong and now back to feeling weak. I am very alone and far from my family but how can I accept this when I feel a black cloud over me in his presence.

    1. Me

      @Sky: You MUST MOVE ON. Contact a therapist and do your Narcissist recovery program.
      I just did that a week ago and I am already much better. I was at your stage last Feb then again last June,
      Narcissists DO NOT change. They can not be partner not because all the symptoms, they are NOT human because they do not have empathy – we are talking about the very extremely cases, like mine and sounds like yours. People with empathy DO NOT do what your ex and my ex do. Our scenario is very much alike. He considers the women with kids are less valuable than women without kids, like you and me. So those women are just to be discarded at the end. That’s why you feel that you are still very important – simply because you are more available to him. Mine cheated on and on and always begged to be back and I always took him back. It felt like our connections were strong even the connections are through fighting and unhealthy communications. Last June he hooked up with a 29 years old and not to mention ‘almost moved on’. Yet unable to separate past and present, he’d text me for “missing me”, so I fall back of course. Then another disaster half of the year past, now he is dreaming to hook up with a 22 years old, his daughter’s little friend who he knew when she was 14 — he may well be a child pediphile. And such a human being, graduated from Harvard.
      LEAVE HIM. Talk to a doctor and make a plan. There is no cure about these people. I learnt a very good trick recently from a doctor : do you have a sibling you love? a pet? will you put them in danger? if not, why do you put yourself? treat yourself like you treat your little sister, brother, little pet, do that, go NO CONTACT with him, after you slowly, quietly move your important stuff away , change passwords, and etc. and go GHOST on him. Block him on your social media. Don’t show him any update, just go.
      Your life will go back to beautify trust me! spend your time, money on taking care of yourself.

    2. Tracy

      Ditto! Every word you spoke is my life with my ex narc verbatim! I was yo-yo’d Back and forth so many times and even when he had a girlfriend for over a month while I was still living with him, I slept with him again to get back at them both for using me. She had no idea of course any mischief was going on, this was even while I slept in a different bedroom and she spent the weekend there with him. She didn’t think something might be up when I came home after work? She was blinded by his lies and the next one will be too! He’s trying now to get me back because all of his other supply has seen the real truth, and he has grown hired of them too! He knows I was weak and let him use me, so now he thinks it will work again? No! Yes, there have been moments of weakness where I wanted to go see him, to feel him touch me, but then I’d feel dirty, and the abuse would start all over again. I broke free, moved into my own place and I’m doing just fine! He’s still the miserable asshole he always was and he can sit and rot for all I care after all the cheating he did on me! Stay strong, you’re worth more than what he can give you. NO CONTACT!

      1. jerry r hawkins

        Sounds familiar! I left my ex-wife about 8 times in 14 years, and always went back, feeling it was MY fault, it was not working.

  5. It seems like since I went NC over a year ago, my pool of friends is down to one. It seems that the majority of my so called friends are narcs. So as I continue to whittle the flying monkeys out of my life, there goes most of my friends. It could be I was attracted to other narcs as well besides my spouse.

    I want to be free of all who are hostile, toxic, negative and abusive in any way. I want the pretenders out of my life for good. They are not really friends any way. They just smile in your face and stab you in the back with their evil words and then blame me for overreacting.

    It seems that I see through most of the fake people and cut them loose every so slowly. I will attract true, loyal, loving, real people to be friends with.

    1. Melinda

      @Shirley…beautifully said! I couldn’t agree more. I can relate, and I think it is SO important to surround ourselves with good people.
      This is the most vital step on the road to recovering from narcissistic abuse.

      You said: “I want to be free of all who are hostile, toxic, negative and abusive in any way”.
      YES…me too. Life is hard enough as it is and we need to fill our lives with positive people/experiences.
      I have no problem with distancing myself from toxic people, or cutting them out of my life if they hurt me with no remorse.

  6. Rita

    This is the perfect article for me. I made my husband leave my house, and I changed the locks, 2 weeks ago. He has had a girlfriend for 2 years now. I found out a year ago when he moved her to the town where we leave, into my daughters rent house. I found where he mailed items to the rent house addressed to her. I managed to hack his messenger and have been reading their love messages all this time. Yes, I have been trying to make things better as all of us being abused do.(and like you said we do) He has gotten so bold to say “I am going to spend the weekend with her, I have been spending time with you, it’s her turn now”. When he first told me this I should have shoved him out the door then, but it was such a slap in the face, I could not say or do anything. I have played it over and over in my head, and as to why I didn’t do it then, but I was weak. However, this time I knew it was going to happen and I prepared myself, as to what I was going to do and say. This has been the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, even harder than when I had to turn my son into the police for theft. I can’t help it after 15 years, I still love him, and I know I shouldn’t. He has started a new life with her, but he says he will always help me around the farm, becauses he knows it’s to much work for one person. However, he says I am always too busy for sex, and he has a high sex drive, and he cannot forgive me for the times when I would go so long not having sex with him.(so I forced him to have a girl on the side he says) I am getting a little better now. I have come to the realization that he does not love me, as he has told me. My son says start living for myself, but I do not know who that is. I have had someone telling me my whole life what to do. First my parents, then my 1st husband which was an alcoholic, and now a cheater narcissistic. I have really enjoyed being alone since this has happened, but, my son yells at me and can’t understand why I still let him come around. He says the same as you and I have to go no contact. I am having a hard time letting go of the laughs, and telling each other funny stories, cleaning house together, and eating out together. How do I cope with my son and my husband without them getting into fist fights? Total no Contact scares me to death.


    I have been NO CONTACT for a year now. Starting to feel great. Not heavy burden

  8. faith

    I had a feeling my Husband was cheating on me but he denies it. We have 2 children, after i confirmed it was true, i contacted Dr.mac@yahoo .com and my husband stopped cheating, we are one happy family again

    1. Anonymous

      He’s still cheating……look and u will find. Open your eyes.

    2. jerry r hawkins

      Faith, do not try and fool yourself. I know you do not want to hear this, but like the saying goes……once a cheater, always a cheater. If you stay, I pray you will not be hurt again. It has happened to me MANY times.

  9. SoManyTears

    I will be going no contact very soon. I am confused about what kind of contact I should have with some of his family, that I love very much.

    1. SVR

      In my experience the answer is very limited and don’t inform them what you are up to. It will lead to triangulation and hurt. Best to go no contact as that protects you. This is about you and not them, your survival. I couldn’t go no contact with my mother or siblings but I have extreme limited contact and tell them very little, no put me downs and no room for triangulation. The awakening will only happen then otherwise you are just stuck on this crazy roundabout and cannot get of. It’s not easy but I after 2 years now feel it was worth the heartache at that time. Life is far to short, and it’s yours so look after number 1. Good luck.

    2. Sandy

      Let me tell you about my experience with that and it may help you. I have left the household 2 years ago. We have 2 children which we have separate days that we each care for them. None in his family is a narc, but him. I was in touch with all his family, talking on the phone, coming to visit (they live in another country)
      I spoke to his father on the phone often. Now we have lawyers, mediation didnt work. I dont speak to his father anymore, i dont speak to his sisters and brother, they are far anyway. I would never go there to visit them again. Just as the relationship with the narc, the relationship with his family will slowly fade away. Its just natural that it will happen. Do allow it to happen and find your own circle of friends that you can trust. After all, its his family. The smear campaigns he may run on you with them may keep tgem away from you. Just allow it to happen as it will naturally. I still love everyone in his family but him, but life goes on. I hope that helps.

  10. Melissa

    Kim – I could have written this article! I have said some of those lines before. I get the whole “we should stay friends for the kids”. UMMM…maybe you shouldn’t have blown up our family with your cheating and lies for the kids….nope he didn’t like that response. No way would I be anything to the ex (he tries to tell me what is going on in his life – I close the front door! My old therapist used to tell me that I needed to be nice and friendly to him for the sake of the kids. And I would look at her and say why would I be friends to some one who abused and tormented me? Would you expect me to be friend with him if he physically abused me ….NO. Abuse is abuse. Fired that therapist. Happy NC (except for text and email for kids and finance) for 2 years. Never Never open that door again it will only cause more damage and hurt to us! Be strong!

  11. Ahmed

    Thank you so much you have just explained my previous relationship with the narcissist he used to abuse me..after I broke up with him now he’s wants me back and asking to be friends at least keep the communication going on but as I learned from you I told him just never call this number again I don’t want you in my life anymore.

    1. kimraya

      Ahmed, you did the right thing by telling him to scram. If you haven’t already, it would be good to also block his ability to contact you.

      We often fall into the trap of hoping they’ll “come to their senses” and see that what they had with us was good and then leave some way for them to come back, but all it ever does is ruin our lives.

      Wishing you all the best, as well as the strength to remain No Contact Like a Boss!


  12. YinYan

    I read your book TWICE and am on my third reread. I live with my ex N and it has only gotten worse! He blames EVERYTHING on me and says things happened that DIDN’T happen and i start to feel like I’m crazy. Losing my mind like I can’t remember things. I gave him an eviction letter and he didn’t speak to me for a little over a week. He’d text me mean things but he refused to speak to me. All of a sudden he starts speaking to me, asking me for little favors… I think I’m strong enough but clearly I’m not… Today I get a text that says.. We will never be what you want us to be but I care about you and i want us to be friends. I miss our friendship…. I read your post and it makes total sense… No matter how hard I’ve tried to do this on my own I can’t and you’re 100% right the only way is by NO CONTACT….I’m scared but after reading all the posts on here I feel like i can do this and I am not alone.

    1. Kim Saeed

      It sounds like you are ready to make very necessary changes to put yourself on the path to freedom. You CAN do this. Something that came to me during my journey of recovery is that I’d had the power to leave all along. I just didn’t believe or trust in myself. You are not alone, YinYan.

    2. Yes, you are not alone, YinYan. You are strong enough for leaving him. Therefore, you are in control of the situation. You made a positive step by working on “no contact.”

    3. LoTho

      so creepy!! My NC said the EXACT same thing, and also by text: ” We will never be what you want us to be but I care about you and i want us to be friends. I miss our friendship…”

      I was going no contact because of all the cheating and he is trying to convince me to stay in his life and let him date other women so “WE” can “miss each other” and I need to stop being selfish and understand, ” we will never be what I want us to be, but I care about you (I want your ns) and I want us to be friends( so I can use you and other women at the same time.) Which is exactly what he was already doing the whole time I have known him. By me trying to stop it with No contact – his only goal is to get rid of the no contact so he can use me, discard me, use me, discard me, at leisure. He Still does not care, or love “me”

      And by the way- today he is pushing “lets be friends”, yesterday he told me he was in love and cant image life without me, in the night he texted me that he messed up and needs my light in his life, and by noon today – back to “lets be friends”, “why are you so selfish? Don’t you think other women deserve love too?” “This isnt about just you and me. This is divine. This is about making the world a better place.” (apparently, his contribution to world peace is having sex with every woman he hunts, I mean, meets. )

      1. Rewind


        Sounds very familiar. I was told I don’t “accept him” and the fact that he likes different women. I still get the midnight text and the sexual (abusive) words. Still wanting me to send him a picture of my “tits.” Really? It took years…years…but I finally just told him that I am done. Enough. I don’t want to hear about his escapes, all the other women, talk about him, or be his supply ever again. I am now one less woman all the other women he sleeps with have to worry about. Remain friends?? He never was one and never will be…he hurts and hurts and hurts and believes it’s okay.

  13. LJ.

    After many attempts from other family members during these past holidays for whom all of them I have gone No Contact with as well,,,knowing full well who is behind why they were contacting me,,as they are all my Kid sisters flying Monkeys,,,I have a kid sister that’s an EXTREME NARCissist.. she cries to family and her friends what an outcast she is,, the black sheep,, blah blah blah,, the poor little victim she is,,, she doesn’t know why I’m not talking to her,,,she just wants to mend fences boo hoo woe is her. Blah! ,I’ve had enough of her garbage for years now,, I’ve gone No Contact for the past 4 yrs now,,, but her famous saying was “Can We Be Friends ” for the longest time to me,, totally was a baffling comment… I never understood what that was about til just now After reading this info on the can we be friends ,,, so I just had another puzzle piece put into the big picture!!! Aha moment!! the light bulb went off! Here’s another example of games they may play: Christmas Eve 2015 five minutes before midnight she sends an email.. Nothing was in it,, like always Lol I didn’t respond as usual,, I keep them in case I’d ever need proof in event she finds me,shows up and I can put a restraining order on her but she keeps a plugging along like the moron she is,, so anyone out there dealing with family if you’d call them that,, stay strong ,,, GO or stay No Contact!!! don’t be surprised if they throw everything at ya,, don’t give in!! Get educated read read read everything you can,, It’s so worth it to keep your sanity! Don’t wait as long as I did to Get out! family isn’t family when they mess with your well being! Narcissists come in All Forms!!! Hope everyone gains Healing Does Take Time but, Tap into your inner strength you can do this! Thanks Kim for your help and continued knowledge!!!

  14. A narcissist is a poisonous snake. Keep that in mind and you can’t go wrong unless you want venom in your life.

  15. Melinda

    Hmm…yeah, my ex-N tried the “let’s be friends” stuff too. I was so proud of myself for saying no because it’s not easy to cut ties.

    But by then I was smarter and I knew what he *really* wanted and I wouldn’t allow myself to be hurt anymore.
    Friends…really? More like he wanted me to continue being his “booty call” when he was horny and continue treating me badly. I had no interest anymore. I knew that contact had to be broken and it would have to start with me.

    And why would I want to be “friends” with somebody who showed me time and time again, that they didn’t respect me or value anything about me?
    Why would I want to continue being insulted and belittled? Why would I want to keep being hurt? Anytime a narc pulls the “let’s be friends” bullsh*t, they are trying to sink their hooks into you some more when they see you slipping away.
    I wasn’t having it anymore. My self-esteem might be low but I’m not stupid (like he said I was).

    1. Kim Saeed

      That’s wonderful news, Melinda, that you said “no” and meant it! Kudos!! Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

  16. Alison Hall

    Hi Kim, I have been subscribing to your blog for sometime now…I’ve had an experience with a female narc and its so interesting to continually reaffirm her condition by reading your posts.

    This post in particular brought to mind her reason to me why we can’t have a relationship; she had “abandonment issues”. Such a cunning excuse to pull empathy from me and keep me caring for her.

    I also read your request for stories about female narc experiences and would like to offer you one. Would you be interested in reading it?

    Let me know, and thanks so much for your insightful blog. Love it:)

    Regards, Alison Hall

    Sent from my iPhone


    1. Steph

      I sure would love to hear the story! I need more info/stories of the female NARC. We had and still deal with the aftermath of having one in our lives. She continues to “hoover” and make us the bad people that just cant forget the bad and only focus on the good. We supposed to overlook and forgive all the horrible things she put us through.

  17. Joey

    OMG! This post is perfect!!! I went through the whole “Friends” thing with my now ex….and her ex—for over a year.

    She said she needed to be friends with her ‘ex” because they promised each other they would always be friends no matter what even after they broke up – and she needed to stay friends with her ex because her ex was hurting so much after their break-up.

    She wanted to be there for the ex and show her great compassion to help the ex soften her feelings of great anguish since they weren’t together… (alas, I became the detective)…. some of those letters and emails from her ex…”oh you are my moonlight, my eternal love”…etc……..dear god, how much ego stroking my ex got from this….and the wonderful triangulation opportunities!!! Endless supply of them!!!

    I told her I thought this was ridiculous and unhealthy for everyone–especially our relationship– for her to continue contact in any form. After saying unequivocally several times, and promising that she was done with any communication with the ex,—- there was always the secret text to tell her how sorry she was her cat died, a bunch of emails to say happy birthday and tell her how she missed their friendship, a visit to the ex for 4 days and 3 nights to give her the face to face ending the ex needed—–all predicated with this is the last communication —I understand there need to be clear boundaries of no communication.

    Her excuse for breaking trust and re-opening contact was always, “well it was a promise that I made that I couldn’t keep for not contacting her” or “you need to take responsibility for getting involved with me so soon after my breakup–because you can’t fall out of love with one person and in love with another at the same time.”…Dear god almighty—on and on and on it went, all the lying, deception and crazy-making.

    And in the end she said to me, well I just don’t dispose of people like you do. I don’t know why we can’t be friends…… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As my mom would say, “with friends like this, who needs enemies?”

    Face it – you can’t be friends with people like these. You can’t trust what they are doing with their other former/current sources of supply. Just don’t believe a word that comes out of their mouth. Please, please, please don’t fall for any of their lies.

    I feel better getting this out…..Thanks again for this post!!!

    1. Anonymous

      Omg! Wow, wow,….WOW! This sounds like my life almost word for word!!!! Its so creepy! Its amazing how similiar all these NARCS can be! Reading this confirms things Ive been struggling with and wondering if it is me for not believing a friendship is possible. Ty for sharing!

  18. A Pabros

    You are so right, KIm! Let’s be friends did not fly with me!

    My narc accepts no accountability for hurting their victims. Everything about the relationship was a lie and does not care how he left me. He will continue on to be dishonest to himself and to the next person. Although, the Narc will deny the reality of the entire relationship was his wrong doing but will continue on to pursue onto their next narcissistic supply and emotionally traumatize them as well. I find myself wondering why? As in, why did I allow this person into my life and give him the benefit of the doubt? Why did I allow him to manipulate me? All he did was hurt and disappointment me. I just have to say that “NO CONTACT” provided me to take control of the situation and has made me stronger. He will continue to talk in circles and play the victim.

    The part the kills me on his phrases:
    “You are my best friend”
    “You are my soul mate”
    “Many endearing thoughts of you…”
    “I still love you” (that’s was the kicker)
    “Although life has it’s way of moving forward, there are things that just stay deep within, nor will never be forgotten”

    After confronting his extra affairs and his Narcissistic behavior, I told him that we can no longer be friends, which was a polite way of telling him that the gig is up.

    Thanks, Kim, for educating me more about narcissism.

  19. Sharon

    Thank you for this post. It was very helpful. My ex husband a N. and self-claimed preacher just sent me a text stating for us to be friends for family/friends sake. And that it was up to me?? Mind you, he has taken up with a woman of another culture. (very subservient) She is nearly 10 yrs his senior and a widow. His cover is that she’s a friend that just likes to help people? As a result, he has taken her to several of his family events including around our grandaughter.
    It’s been a month since his text. I never responded. It’s good to know the real truth because “My friendship is certainly not an option”.

  20. Lynnae

    I too got the “I want to be friends” speech intermixed with “I want to get back together because we’re soul mates” bs all while he was dating the woman he cheated on me with. I gave him a year to prove to me that he was a standup guy, not the lying, cheating manipulator I had now begun to see and he proved the opposite. I have finally gone no contact after getting him to pick up the last of his stuff and realizing that being “friends” with someone like him would only prolong my heartache more because it would be more attempts to reconcile followed by more declarations of his new found “happiness” with the new girlfriend when I turn him down. Just as was said in the article, there is no reason to keep someone like this in my life.

    I am now working on understanding why I tend to attract narcissists so that I can avoid this in the future. I agree with Grant above…would be nice to see an article on what we can do for ourselves to ensure that once we see the red flags, we run for the hills.

  21. ohsquibs

    This couldn’t have landed in my inbox at a better time. My N left me almost 2 months ago after I found out for sure he’d been cheating on me, on and off, throughout our 4 year relationship. Prior to that it had just been my paranoia against his lies regarding the need for him to have a constant supply of (secret) female attention, and so of course, I was the crazy one!
    I can tick at least 5 of those “N’s top reasons it won’t work”, and in this past week I’ve been hit with the “I want us to be friends” line.
    Knowing this is another text book move in the long list of ploys they use is reassuring.

    I’d like to think that if I’d found this, and Melanie Tonia Evan’s forum sooner, I could have identified his traits and taken control of my situation, only I know it’s not as easy as that. So instead he walked out on me (giving me several of those reasons above) and I’m left picking up the pieces of a relationship that I so badly wanted to work, and although it doesn’t make dealing with it any easier, reading these pages helps me to see his behaviours for what they are, and try to come to terms with a relationship that I know now was sadly based entirely on lies, and followed a pattern that he had repeated before me (but I was going to be the one, and I was going to put an end to all that and we’d live happily ever after, right?), and slowly try to rebuild the parts of me he wore away.

  22. I guess that some of us, and I am including myself here, eventually get the the point when we begin to heal, that we start to realise that we deserve so much more than the drama, BS and crap that the N dishes out. None of their words ever matches their actions and when you start to set really strong and good boundaries in line with your values, watch how quickly they disapppear! Why do they suddenly disappear at this particular point? Simply because now you are too much hard work and it is easier to find an easier target who was once like you were.

    Once you start to heal and begin to only have healthier people around you who don’t always have drama in their lives and who are safe people whose company is trustworthy and enjoyable, you start to realise that there is no way that you want to entertain the idea any longer of keeping an a..h.le in your life for one minute longer.

    I now sometime see the N that was in my life and have made it very clear that I am a no-go zone. He is always wanting to come back, always making promises that he has not intention of keeping and the interesting thing is that it is so boring and he never has anything new to report; still jobless (always going to GET a job in a couple of weeks), doesn’t steal any more (just got kicked out by the last woman); they are all just words, except I have heard them all before and you know what! I am over the words and am getting very good at saying ‘Eat your heart out baby! Gotta go now!’ Then I move right on out of his presence within approximately 2 minutes from the beginning of the conversation.

    I will say that it is only as I have been NC (apart from the occasional running into him at my dance school – we are both part of the same company), that things have been clearer. My module work, using Melanie Tonia Evans’s Quanta Freedom Healing programme and using kinesiology have helped me to heal and within 3 years, I am a totally different person. I can thank the narcissist for that! BUT I am NEVER GOING BACK! I have moved on.NEXT …!

  23. For 4 years mine couldn’t say he loved me. Not once. I finally end it and last year he is blowing up my phone telling me he loves me, misses me and wants to see me. I never responded. He does this every few months and now I found out a few weeks ago be has been living with someone and her two kids for the last two years. But he really wants to see me. Misses my face, hasn’t felt passion like ours since we broke up. Wishes it was me he lived with instead of her sometimes. So much bullshit. So many lies. So much hurt. Crazymaking.

    1. Hello heyeldi

      This behaviour is commonly called hoovering and is what every narcissist does when he or she is low on supply. They may not have made contact with you for ages and yet suddenly, here he or she is again and is passionately wanting to renew the relationship as though no time or events transpired in the meantime.

      Their past history with us should be warning and really, nothing will have changed. It is the dissonance that causes us to want to be involved. We believe their words but not the actions and that is the problem.

      If you really want to be free of this person and move on with your life, it is important to deal with the core wounds that got you involved with him in the first place. Once you do that, you will understand that it was never about the n, but about missing pieces of you.

      This work can be done through participating in energy work. Talk therapy cannot heal these wounds because the peptide addiction that goes with narcissistic abuse needs to be healed energetically. Kinesiology is another energetic healing modality that is also extremely effective.

      If you do not heal your core wounds and clear them, it is more than likely that at some stage, you will find yourself involved with another narcissist who will give you exactly the same angst as the last one, except that he will have a different face.

      It is up to all of us who are affected, to take action for healing on our own behalf. No-one except us can do it for us. If you want to have a wonderful life, then please consider doing some healing work. Having come from a situation where I thought I was going crazy and was very concerned for my welfare, I can honestly say that by doing the healing work, I now have no connection with the N in my life and have healed a lot of core wounds and now live a very peaceful, joyous and happy life.

  24. Grant

    Thank you for another insightful post Kim. The narcissist, whom I dated for three years, used the “can’t we be friends” approach on the night I informed her I was ending our relationship in June 2014. I will add a second motivation for this request, and that is to be able to convince themselves, and others, at how “admired” they must be to be able to maintain friendships with past partners.
    My response to her request was, “Friendship requires trust, and the trust isn’t there.”
    Notice that I did not say I did not trust her, so the comment was not a judgment, rather I simply spoke to what was not present to permit me to agree to a friendship in any form.
    She telephoned a month later to tell me, “I know that you said we couldn’t be friends, BUT I know that will change in time.” An attempt clearly to convince herself that I would come to view her more positively. I simply said goodbye and blocked her emails and telephone numbers.
    A comment she made to one of my friends, just last month, provides another reason for your list of why the relationship might work for a narcissist. She told him that I wanted her to change, but I didn’t seem to understand that she was “too old to change”.
    We as survivors of narcissistic abuse had our role, of course. For myself it was giving too much of myself before I saw what she was prepared to give to the relationship, in terms of openness about thoughts and feelings, empathy and concrete actions (besides just being physically present and sexual).
    Thus, I would value your blogging on our role in creating and maintaining, as well as avoiding, narcissistic relationships.
    Best regards.

  25. Wow. This is exactly what happened to me! He would say such horrible things to me over the phone, e-mail and in text after we broke up. Then he would pop up out of the blue like he never said and did those horrible things, then acted like we were long lost best friends. “I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but I would like to still be in your life so I know that you’re ok.” I look back and now realize that he had another future victim of his abuse waiting in the wings. Not only that, but what I knew of her because we were friends for a brief time, she was ok in being in an abusive relationship. She just broke up with her abusive ex after several years, then started to cling to my abusive ex. He’s not my problem anymore so you can have him! He’s 10 years her senior and I hope she doesn’t spend years with this dud like I did.

    1. You’re incredibly sad and I wish you would have the decency to stop having your friends attack me, everything wrong with my life left when you hit the trail. I knew you were a drunk, but the fact that you have your friends stalking me and giving me links to this crap is a bit much, whats worse is that you scammed them on gofundme to pay for your trip back to NY after you ordered new PC parts and had a new weave put in. Just pathetic.

      P.S. 5/5 room mates say you were the abusive one, stop living whatever drunk delusion you’re living and get on with your life.

  26. a

    Once again, right on point. I downloaded your book last night! Cant wait to read it. You are such a blessing. 26 days NC!!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you, a!…and best of luck on maintaining No Contact <3

  27. Smile and Breathe

    And the friendship is based on your continued commitment to perform as ordered. Heard that countless times “I’m not sure we can even be friends unless….” or some version.

Share your thoughts...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.