The Realm of the Narcissist
~ by Ether
Whilst we live in a world full of beauty, love, depth, feelings, thoughts and experiences, narcissists do not. They don’t possess the capability to see such a world, nor to appreciate anything in it, including you, and so they don’t waste any time there trying. They prefer instead to bring people into their maze realm that they can control.
Narcissists cannot operate in any profound way with another person, nor are they interested in learning how to. But, they are desperately dependent upon other people to survive, to progress, to receive praise, and to fulfill their hidden uncontrollable and incurable desire to frustrate, humiliate or destroy, often as covertly as possible so that they can enjoy the other person’s confusion.
Narcissists cannot offer any type of insight, recognition, responsiveness, or reciprocation that is part of a healthy and fulfilling life; they can in fact only operate within a very limited realm of their own making. They can only control the people who willingly come into this realm and stay in it.
The problem is that most people do not realize that they willingly walked into the narcissist’s unhealthy maze realm. They thought they were following the path to a reciprocal relationship with a person who was just holding a part of themselves back, not a person who was totally incapable of love and hiding a selfish and ill-willed agenda.
Once a person has entered into this maze realm, the narcissist truly believes that they do not have to be held responsible for anything that he or she does to the other person, especially anything he or she does NOT do for the other person, because the other person willingly volunteered themselves up to them and it is their own choice to stay – no matter the weather.
Narcissists try to keep people in their maze realm for extended periods of time by employing a variety of well documented, tried, and tested techniques. These techniques include intimacy followed by the silent treatment, intermittent praise and flattery with progressively longer periods in-between, saying and acting in contradicting ways, using language that can have different meanings, passive aggression, the push-pull technique, etc. All are designed to keep you focused on them and to keep you trying harder to get closer to them whilst making sure that it never happens, as really, there is literally nothing to get closer to.
These manipulation techniques are very easy to employ if you do not have feelings or very much interest in other people. Whilst you are in the narcissists’ realm you are in a perpetual state of trying to resolve an unresolvable mystery.
In truth, the mystery is that there is nothing more to them. Nothing. Yes, they enjoyed (perhaps even intensely) moments with you, but not in the same way that you did. There is no deep impact on them afterwards; to them it is like they have just watched an enjoyable film, nothing more. Their deeply ingrained self-serving dysfunction always kicks back in again no matter how much they seemed to connect at any moment by mirroring you. They are just attractive actors.
Narcissists are one dimensional, they cannot love and only care about themselves. The longer that they can confuse you into believing that there is something more to them, or that it is leading towards something special, or that you are helping them to become a better person, the more they can get out of you now or in the future.
To leave the realm of the narcissist is to turn off the spotlight that is on them and put the big light on. To see them for how disappointingly dull they really are beneath their façade and to see how deeply fascinating you are. Yes you, the person looking for the answers so that you can leave the nightmare, so that you can grow, for you are the truly interesting one. The next step is to convert them into a distant memory, little by little, by putting no contact between you and them so that later you can focus your energy on you and your life. Which, in no sane world, is where a complex, loving, multifaceted, deep person like yourself is catering to the needs of a predictably dull, one dimensional narcissist.
If this sounds like your experience and you’re ready for a change, let me tell you that life CAN absolutely be different. It may not happen overnight, but it starts with having the vision. You are not here to be your partner’s emotional punching bag. However, it’s important to come to terms with the fact that you have to let go of the things you have no control over and that includes the expectation that somehow your partner will finally “get it”. It includes accepting that the only way your life can be different is to focus on the things you CAN change.
If you’ve suffered the pain of narcissistic abuse, I’d love to share with you the tools to let go of the hurt – and develop new ways of thinking, and even dating. You can find out everything you need to know in my book, How to Do No Contact Like a Boss!
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