After being subjected to countless verbal assaults, degradation, and propelling through the abuse cycle more times than the moon orbits the earth in a year, you finally realize the Narcissist will never change.
You’ve initiated an attempt at No Contact and tell yourself it’s over this time. The phone rings. It’s them, but you don’t answer it and they leave a voice mail. You start to hit the delete button, but then you think, Let’s just see what they have to say.
No Contact goes flying out the window as the Narcissist’s voice gives you a high. Your heart melts with overwhelming pleasure as the words “Baby” and “I miss you” play on the recording. Your resolve is gone and you wait for the Narcissist to come over, as they said they would in the voice mail…meanwhile, you enter into a state of euphoria.
You ride the illusion of feeling better about yourself and the situation, to the point of believing it will be different this time. This effect of the “Narcissist high” can have a particular appeal if the Narcissist is somatic…meaning there will likely be a sexual encounter. Unfortunately, this false confidence is an effect of the Narcissist drug and not based on reality. Once Narc users come down from the high, they feel even worse about themselves than they did before, setting themselves up for a pattern of using to try and feel relief, with the effect becoming increasingly short-lived each time.
To be clear, going No Contact means the Narcissist has no way to contact you. Across the forums and Facebook groups, commenters discuss how they’ve gone No Contact, but then receive a text, email, or voice mail from the Narcissist.
That’s not No Contact, it’s No Response, and will only keep you open to the risk of continued exposure. It may be necessary to change your phone number and/or email address…even ones that you may use for work or have had for many years.
Real No Contact means the Narcissist cannot contact you, period. Not by phone, email, social media, Skype, Tango, nor fax machine. When you say you’ve gone No Contact, but then leave them with full access to contact you, it ultimately means you still want them to contact you…because you’re addicted.
So, what’s the secret to maintaining No Contact? Below are five tips to help you break your addiction to the narcissist.
You must get to a place where you understand your role in the relationship and that your life has become unmanageable. It means understanding things from the Narcissist’s point of view.
The narcissist looks down on their supply source(s); they view them as weak, inferior and worthless, but at the same time, their victim is providing them with a bounty of narcissistic supply. The more the victim shows their anguish, the more they become narcissistic supply for the abuser, and the more powerful the abuser feels. The more important and powerful the abuser feels, the more blatant their verbal attacks become. This “push-pull” scenario leaves the narcissist behaving in ways that say, “I hate you, but don’t leave or you’ll pay”.
They react to any headway on your part as a threat to their narcissistic supply, therefore any show of independence by you will be scoffed at. The narcissist will be merciless in their devaluing of you. The devaluation can be delivered through many different forms; through your own attachment needs, your intelligence, your body, sexuality, creativity etc. At this point, you’ve likely been conditioned, and appear to outsiders that you are a willing partner in the toxic relationship.
Even if you do manage to leave the Narcissist, you are at risk of future re-victimization by other narcissists, because you are primed in a way that other narcissists can detect. That’s why a period of self-work and healing is crucial before dating again.
Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.
What have you been accepting from your partner that you would normally think was heinous if it were done to someone else?
Does your partner: ridicule you (sometimes in front of other people), accuse and blame you, withhold affection or resources if you don’t comply, trivialize your accomplishments, judge and criticize, deny, lie, cheat, and/or shout in anger when you express your feelings?
I’m sure they do. That’s why you’re reading this post. Look within and ask yourself, how did you get here? Why are you allowing someone to treat you this way? Someone who claims they love you, but shows contempt for you at the same time? That’s not love…that’s a power trip and you’re the one taking the fall.
One reason we stay with an abusive partner is because deep down, we wait eternal for them to validate us and tell us we’re worthy, but it never happens. Try validating yourself…really love yourself and stop letting someone else abuse your emotions.
Seek through prayer and/or meditation to improve your conscious contact with God and your Divine Self.
God/Source didn’t put you here to be abused. Every time you let your partner abuse you, you inadvertently allow abuse against God’s creation. You are a divine being. Start seeing yourself as such.
Going No Contact and withdrawing from someone you have a bond with isn’t easy. There are emotional and biochemical addictions involved. But your partner will not change. If you want a different reality for yourself, you must remove part of the equation, and that’s your abusive partner. In their place, validate and love yourself and you’ll find that eventually, the life and love you want will find you.
4. Develop self-awareness and self-compassion
Self-awareness is a stepping stone to developing emotional resilience so that you’ll have better control over your emotions instead of your emotions controlling you. Self-compassion will hopefully inspire you to develop better boundaries in relationships so that no one can use your abandonment triggers against you.
5. Let go
The final step is to let go. Letting go involves an inner shift. It’s an inner process of consciously recognizing that you do not need your Ex in order to survive emotionally.
In your mind, you accept there will be a hard road ahead, but it’s one you’re willing to travel to get to a place of true healing (and make space for a loving, reciprocal relationship later on).
In your mind, you let go of waiting for apologies and closure from your abusive Ex.
In your mind, you let go and release them.
In your mind, you drop the mic and walk away.
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