when they tell you the first time

When He Tells You the First Time…

“My dear, why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are? Why can’t you get it the first time?” ~ Maya Angelou

Wonderful question, in hindsight.

Another example of history repeating itself.  But, just as we live through what others have already experienced, we did not experience it ourselves so we have to have our own experience…

Why do we have to learn lessons the hard way?  Why must they literally smack us, shove us, and rub our noses in harsh reality before we comprehend them?

Stubbornness?  Self-doubt?  Conditioning?  Good girls forgive; turn the other cheek; sacrifice their happiness for that of others; stay small, quiet, submissive…

Do we hold onto hope that our fears will be proven wrong?  Repeat the cycle of pain we’ve experienced since childhood, hoping to re-write history?  “I am not going to change, Mommy, Daddy, until you treat me differently when I was six years old.” 

But that’s not going to happen, is it?  We cannot go back in time.  All we can do is change our circumstances in the present moment.

So if, in your present moment, your abusive partner tells you he doesn’t love you, believe him.  Don’t wait for the 29th, 100th, 1000th, 2067th time.  Believe him…the first time.

If he says he doesn’t think you deserve to be treated respectfully; that you’re a disappointment; that it was a mistake to get involved with you; that he’s seeing someone else; that he has other women waiting for him…believe him.

Not because you DON’T deserve to be treated as a worthy partner, but because he’s showing you, telling you who he really is.  You may not be able to erase the time you’ve already spent with him, but what you can do is turn the page, grab a pen, and write a new moment, a new beginning, a different ending.

Reclaim yourself.  Put up a barrier, so that when he opens his mouth to desecrate your unique divinity, his words fall apart in mid-air and the letters fall scattered to the ground, where they will be trampled upon as you walk away…pushing them into the dirt; a burial.  In the dirt, where his words belong.  Along the dirt path, until you reach the new.


  1. Lynne

    While I believe that nothing is impossible with God I also believe the scripture that wisdom is a defense. We must continue to pray just as we must continue to live in wisdom. In wisdom there is balance and sometimes in order to keep the balance in life wisdom dictates removal, purposeful separation, definitive no contact so that God can do as He wills. I am not God and I needed to stop acting as if I were by trying to fix all and be all to someone who wanted to literally consume me to death. I finally had shalom (wholeness, completeness, manifestation of His divine grace) when I was obedient and said, No more. Thank you for your posts they are great reminders to ask for and stay in The Father’s wisdom.

  2. Pingback: Your next stop on The Great Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery Blog Tour! | Love—Life—OM

  3. Pingback: All Aboard for the Great Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery Blog Tour! | CARNAL ABUSE BY DECEIT – Stop rape by fraud!

  4. cherie McCarthy

    Thank you!! I am hurting so much and your blog and God help me so much. I feel like I’m going crazy! !

    1. Lynne

      Praying for you Cherie. I pray that you have gone no contact, no confusion and that the Father’s provision of peace and wisdom is your comfort. Always remember the Father’s plan for you is so much better than what the narc had planned for you. Go and be made whole in the name of Jesus. Blessings

  5. Anonymous

    Thank you!! I am hurting so much and your blog and God help me so much. I feel like I’m going crazy! !

    1. Kim- Here’s the link to the blog tour list. Please cut and paste the list to your post. I kept the urls in case the links don’t work when you tranfer the data. You can take them off when you’ve set them up. Best- Joyce http://bit.ly/1Fb8Ug0

  6. Deb

    This is where I sort to question myself and my “diagnosis” of him as a narcissist. He never once said he didn’t love me. On the contrary. He (and my mother btw) framed his criticisms as “I want what’s best for you! I love you!” Also, he said in the end he was sending me away and staying with his mistress because he wanted me to be happy, knew I’d be much happier without him, and that he would rather lose me than hurt me again the way he had. He also said he would go to his grave feing like the worst thing he did was fail to protect me from HIMSELF. He cried and cried, said I deserved better, was an “amazing” woman, etc.
    Having said all that, he still lied and lied through the the relationship, first about his ex, then about his finances, then about his career, then about other women. He future-faked like you read about, and the love-bombing lasted precisely 3 months. He preferred virtual/phone sex often to the real thing, loved porn, and made snide remarks about how I’d look so much better if (I went tanning, went blonder, went bigger with implants…)

    He was never tender but over the phone. In real life? There was a distance, a coldness..He was the master of the silent treatment, and the rescue. Everything else fits but this. He never said he didn’t love me, not once. I think I stayed so long because he trained me to think love = pain.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I’m very sorry, Cadkinson. I have been somewhat overwhelmed of late. I’m in the process of hiring an assistant or two. Please feel free to forward our exchanges to my new email address, kim@letmereach.com and I’ll look it over and get back to you. Again, I’m very sorry…

  7. I was with my narcistic partner for more than 31 years. Half my life. It took me so long to understand what I was dealing with. Never understand a thing about the mood swings he had. At first I thought, okay it has almost been 4 months that we had problems. In the last years it was every week or sometimes twice a week. I lived from a good period to another good period.
    When I know him about 4 months I was dining with him in a restaurant and he told me he fell in love with another girl. I started to cry. Then he told me it was not possible for them to stay together and all of a sudden he asked me to come with him to New York. I forgot all about this, but now I know it was the first time he went across my border and from that day on he knew he could cross that border. A year ago I told him about this and he didn’t know a thing about this event. So he all made it up, just to see how far he could go.
    Now I am in No Contact for over a year, all that kind of things keep crossing my mind. Why didn’t I see it?
    Let this be a warning to all of you, who are still in a relationship with a narcissist or another kind of psycho partner. They also can make things up, just to see how you are reacting.

  8. Thank you. I love it. So true. I know it took me “many times” of being shown but in everything is a lesson learned. If there ever is a next time, I will only need to see the truth one time.

  9. Kim-

    I’m putting together information for a blog tour for today. Would you like me to include this post? Please let me know asap. I’m working on it now.


      1. Great- I’ll send you a list to include on this post with the other participants. Glad I was able to reach you! BTW- feel free to remove this comment. Hugs!

  10. Mary

    I just read parts of Melanie Tonya Evans description of triangulation. Read it. It will put what you are going through in a much better light. It’s helping me to see what I’ve seen for a long time. I did the detective work and sat back and watched it all unfold who this guy was really all about. Don’t feel sorry for him or his lies. And don’t feel sorry for yourself either. Turn that page and live your life without drama.

Share your thoughts...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.