things narcissists say to get you back

7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back

Narcissists rarely ever admit to it, but all of your worst fears regarding your relationship are playing out just underneath the radar of your awareness.

You know that ever-present, vague sense of dread you have in the pit of your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or telling the truth?  That’s your intuition, which can cause physical sensations in the body.

However, empathic and intuitive people sometimes get themselves into trouble by not listening to their intuition, which is very common when they find themselves in relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. 

Admittedly, when it seems the narcissist will go to any length to get you back, it’s easy to mistake their trickery for genuine remorse and a desire to make things work when it’s really a calculated to appeal to your sentimentality and timed to catch you at a weak moment – often when you’re feeling vulnerable or reflective. It is a scheme meant to toy with your emotions in an effort to get you to soften up and reconcile.

It’s called Hoovering.

Hoovering is a technique that’s employed by manipulative and narcissistic con artists to suck their victims back into a relationship with them by exhibiting improved or desirable behavior. It’s named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner because the hoovering narcissist not only desires to suck you back into the relationship, but will ultimately treat you like dirt.

See a typical example of Hoovering in this short video:


Verbal Trickery Used During Hoovering

We all know to avoid people who appear insane or abusive and not enter into or maintain intimate relationships with them. However, narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths are masters at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities (and their pathological agendas).  The Narcissist in your life – employing very specific techniques of psychological manipulation – executes ultimate trickery in trying to get you back, while keeping hidden secrets that would literally bring you to your knees. 

Below, I map out the most common verbal cons of narcissistic spouses, fiancés, and partners of varying degrees of intimacy – and the maneuvers they’re pulling on you to scam you back into a relationship with them, thereby greatly reducing your true chance at freedom and a life without their traumatizing douchebaggery.

  1.  “I’ve decided to go to counseling”

After numerous silent treatments, disappearing acts, and bait-and-switch schemes carried out by the narcissist, you tell them you can’t live this way any longer and give them the much-needed boot.  They come back later, look at you with a straight face and all sincerity and announce, “I’ve been thinking about what you said.  I know it’s important to you and I want to make this work, so I’ve decided to go to counseling.”

Reality – The illusion that they are willing to “make it work” and go to counseling is one of the narcissist’s favorite tricks.  This may be in regards to their anger management issues, alcoholism, excessive jealousy, infidelity, or sex/porn addiction (often, a combination of all of the above).

It’s nothing more than a way to buy time. They have no intention of being honest in the therapist’s chair and, in fact, will use the opportunity to make you look unhinged, using their trip to the Dr.’s office as a way of learning the lingo to make you look like the unstable one, which causes you to further believe you’re the one with problems and feel lucky that the Narcissist “has agreed to stay with you”.

As a person who loves the narcissist, you may deeply want to believe that they are being sincere because you hope they’ll finally go back to being the person they were at the beginning of your relationship.  They may even secrete a few tears in an attempt to drive home the point, but the unfortunate truth is that a large population of narcissists employ this trick and in no time, it’s back to business as usual – and the abuse is much worse. 

You’ll be hard-pressed to find a single documented case where a victim of narcissistic abuse has seen a happy ending due to the narcissist’s humanitarian, soul-searching “decision to go to counseling”.  In fact, it usually ends in the victim needing his or her own therapy because of the tricks and mind-games that ensue once they are deceived into giving the relationship another chance.

  1. “I met them the last time we were broken up!”

I swear I’m not in love with him/her.  It just so happened that I met them last time you and I were broken up and now they won’t leave me alone.  I’ve tried!”  or “I was only with them because I felt you weren’t totally invested in me.”

Reality – This humdinger is an attempt at having you sweep their infidelity under the rug in hopes that you’ll forgive them for “just being a human who wants to find love like anyone else.” 

It’s also the perfect opportunity for them to triangulate, gaslight, and make themselves appear sought after while further wrecking your own self-esteem.  You may interpret the situation by thinking “They’re being unfaithful because I’m not desirable enough, the new person is probably much more confident than I am and the narcissist likes that, or I blew it by breaking up with them and now my chance at true love is slipping through my fingers.” 

This scenario is fabricated by the narcissist for the sole purpose of putting you in a situation where you become fearful that you’re going to lose them – motivating you to do whatever is humanly possible to keep their affections.  What you don’t realize during these episodes is that this pattern will be repeated in numerous ways because narcissists, especially those of the somatic and histrionic ilk, are always in various stages of relationships with other people – further, it’s entirely possible that the narcissist met the “new” person long before your last break-up. 

  1.  “Can we just be friends?”

They were unfaithful and you found out or they openly admitted to an affair and left, saying they were in love with someone else. You heard all the reasons why you could never be an ideal partner for them.  Months, weeks, or even mere days later, they came back with a sob story of how they cannot choose, they made a mistake, and don’t want to live without you.  In the middle of the discussion, he or she turns, gives you a pensive look and says, “I know we can’t be together, but I care about you a lot and don’t want to lose you completely.  Can we just be friends?”

Reality – Let’s be friends for the narcissist means let’s be friends — with benefits. 

Don’t fall for the “let’s be friends” ploy.  Doing so will land you straight in La La land, where you will spend months, if not years, tolerating their multiple sex partners, disappearing acts, and your making monthly visits to the doctor’s office to ensure you haven’t contracted an STD.  It’s easy to believe the Narcissist when they come around pretending to have second thoughts about the whole thing when, in fact, they’ve realized someone else would eventually try to win your heart and that sure as hell isn’t going to happen if the narcissist has anything to do with it!

It’s also a wonderful façade for their public image, considering how “admired” they must be to be able to maintain friendships with past partners.  Just imagine their chorus line during the smear campaign, “Yeah, I just stayed friends with her because I felt sorry for her, even though she’s telling everyone how abusive I am”.  Voila!  The Good Samaritan in action!

  1. “I knew you weren’t right for me”

After your heroic efforts at absorbing the narcissist’s explosive outbursts and smoothing spackle over the gaping holes in your relationship, the narcissist “ends things” by smugly announcing “I knew you weren’t the right person for me.”

Reality – This trick seems counterintuitive because on the surface, it seems the narcissist is discarding you, but in most cases this move is a ploy to keep you in the discouraging cycle of trying to prove your worth and “win back” their love.  So, you strive to redeem yourself, resurrect the relationship, and hope for a positive outcome.

You toe the line. You become the poster-child for obedience. You hold out for the golden days to reappear. 

But what are the narcissist’s thoughts regarding the resurrection of the relationship?

The narcissist isn’t feeling grateful that the two of you have reunited. As far as they’re concerned, your herculean mission to win them back is proof of their supremacy and magnetic desirability. 

In the narcissist’s mind, your operation to win them back is because you are clearly dependent on them emotionally – and the narcissist will seize on your feelings of vulnerability and fragility to the fullest. Following a mechanical reconciliation phase, they will immediately seek to manipulate and exploit you.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program

  1. “I’m sorry for hurting you and I vow to make it up to you”

This is a favorite ruse used globally by narcissists of all types (the general exception being the cerebral narcissist).  That’s because the narcissist’s partners are typically of the cooperative, empathic, tolerant, altruistic, and forgiving type and the narcissist has no qualms about exploiting these traits to the nth degree.  When the narcissist shows up with flowers, jewelry, and tears (on bended knee for effect), his or her compassionate partner turns into putty, forgetting all wrongdoings and imagining a better future, which usually includes growing old together and holding hands while walking through the park.

Reality – Unfortunately, the narcissist’s thinking is entirely different from yours in regards to reconciliation.  Their thoughts are usually centered on how they are going to hook up with the side-supply now that you’ve thrown a monkey wrench into their routine by demanding to be treated with respect. 

  1. “I love only you”

Narcissists are notoriously unfaithful.  Therefore, they often try to make it appear as if they have no control over the fact that they are a “sex addict” or “bad at being monogamous” – they are only with those other people for “fun”.  The only person they really love is you.  You’re the only one that accepts them, warts and all, and offers them a place to come home to at the end of the day; a place to fall and help all their worries go away.  It’s you and them against the world.  They confess they are messed up, maybe a little crazy, but it’s because you are so connected to them that they love only you.  Don’t they always come back to you?  Don’t they sleep in your bed?

Reality – Persuasiveness and charm are the primary traits of narcissists and psychopaths. There’s no doubt you are unique and special, but the Narcissist doesn’t appreciate those things in you.  What they are working towards is keeping the number of his or her admirers high.  The more people they have adoring them, the better…and they are telling their other partners the same thing.

  1. “I’ve had an epiphany”

They were driving to work and it suddenly occurred to them, the two of you were meant to be together.  It all became crystal clear in a matter of seconds.  They don’t know how they didn’t see it before.  In fact, the two of you should get married…and the sooner the better.

Reality – No amount of sharing your pain will cause a spontaneous character transplant on your partner’s part or induce The Divine Epiphany where the angels touch down and instill keen insight into the narcissist’s brain as to how much pain they’ve caused you, dropping them to their knees in the posture of a repentant sinner. 

It just won’t happen. 

The doomed nature of toxic relationships decrees that — as much as you might wish differently — you’ll need to get to a place of acceptance that your relationship with the narcissist will be no exception to the rule. 

Moral values do not come into question when narcissists are desperately seeking to hook you back into a relationship. They will shamelessly try to pick up right where they left off with no regard as to the emotional or psychological harm they caused that triggered the original breakup. 

You will never be in control of your self-esteem or your emotions as long as the Narcissist is in your life.  Even a seemingly innocent act or comment on their behalf comes with a high price.  There is a motive for every single thing they say and do.  Breaking No Contact may give you temporary relief, but the long-term effects would be harmful, if not fatal, if you go back to them.  You cannot gain genuine relief from the very person who hurt you.  Breaking up with a Narcissist equals cutting them out of your life completely without giving them a chance to “explain themselves”, because whatever explanation they would give you would only be another manipulation.

Copyright © 2016 by Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach


  1. Anonymous

    I could take pages writing about the narcissists in my life over tIme. What amazes me, is how many are out there!!!! I was in a relationship for two years, was clueless, but realized over time I was not happy and eventually got out of said relationship. Initially he ‘love-bombed me’ then when he got me started destroying my self-esteem, isolating me from others, getting me to quite jobs due to his “concern” about hours being too long, too long a commute. In truth he didn’t want me having an independent source of income and for one job, being surrounded by mostly males. He’d try and tell me how to dress, if he saw I was enjoying myself he’d work on spoiling it for me. If he got me to cry, he was a happy camper!!! I foolishly moved out of state and I know now, he thought he had me totally isolated only to find friends in my home state calling and making plans to visit me! Everything he knew about me when dating me, became things to fix, be it the little bit of makeup I wore, my clothing/style..even my cat!! He was horribly jealous of my cat..and yes, the cat disappeared when we were out of state. he put forth a good effort of looking for it…I’ll never know what happened to that dear cat. Happily we returned to my home state and as he got more controlling and abusive to the point he moved out (even then he demanded I go with him to help him find an apartment! Proudly I told him no. We settled on seeing each other on weekends and that gave me the time away from him to realize how unhappy I was and I broke it off. He played the drama queen and even cried, but I stood my ground. After we broke it off, he sent me a letter professing to care so much and offered financial assistance if I needed it (Hoovering!!) I stood my ground. When I did that, then the threats started…so I called his best friend and told him I’d call the cops and if he ran I knew he’d run to him and I could tell the cops where to look. (he threatened to blow up my car!) So gone for good!!! whew. I dated another guy and as I look back I can see he was a narcissist also. If I or others didn’t do or act exactly as he wished he would punish us by setting a time frame when he would not deal with us…then come back into our lives promising all sorts of good things…never try and share food with this guy, he would grab and eat so fast with no concern for the other person. He was cheap to a fault and yet he made tons of money. I moved away and he followed and doted on me to the extreme, but the long distance relationship was enough to get me dating another and I gave him the boot and watched how he manipulated others from a distance. whew I’m a slow learner arent’ I? I fell terribly ill and had a woman gaslight me horribly and torment me with phone calls and bizarre demands and then tell me “your perceptions are off.” She had me really questioning my sanity until a friend pointed out what she was doing! I told her to get lost, never use my phone number to contact me and reported her to a Social Worker so she would know her actions were on record. Due to my illness her actions impacted me horribly and I’m just now starting to shake off the ‘darkness’ she spread. People if your instinct around a person is a negative gut feeling, listen to it and get away from that person asap!!!!!! Spare yourself the suffering. You deserve much better!

  2. Lara

    Hi Kim,
    Mine came home to.changed door locks.
    I was watching your lectures for almost 2 months before I realised that I was married to a narcissist.
    It’s almost been a year since, and 19 years married.
    Thankyou for you amazing lectures.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing your story, Lara. I am very happy to know you are rebuilding and healing. Wishing you all the very best as you move forward.

      Kim XoXo

  3. Pingback: How to Leave a Narcissist When You're Still in Love - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  4. Julie. Raymond

    Remember,stepparents are also narcissists.Mst of these traits described my stepmother to a T.She always gaslighted my father and me ,with ridicule,saying things to me like “Other kids talk about you,”,and it was ALWAYS my fault, never hers.Called me nasty names,etc,Even said to me she didn,t care if I had a home or not,Not sure I believe the part about not being able to change.She didn,t.but most don’t people do.

  5. Anonymous

    I have just realized I’m with a narcissist- that being said, all the above apply

  6. Irina

    What people should be aware of is that this type of behavior usually hides severe psychological problems. My ex ticked all the boxes of an NPD and the abuse I was subjected to as well. When I finally said no to his hoovering and took back control of my life, he decided to abuse me one last time.. he committed suicide and made it such way for me to find him… his ultimate revenge and control, leaving me scarred for life.

    So, leave as fast as you can.

    1. patricia

      I’m so sorry his narcissism took such a dark turn. I do hope, over time you have healed and can move on. They are monsters!

  7. Melanie Mushet

    I have been getting terribly abused since my partner got out of prison. He’s stolen from me and of my daughter, is abusive and aggressive to myself and both daughters, cruel beyond belief, I now have to get myself checked for stds. I have went no contact but it usually lasts a week then he appears at my door. After a horrific Friday I spent the whole night like a prisoner in my own home,went to work on Saturday only for him to steal £80 from my daughters room. He was in prison for attempted murder,he smashed his fathers face in leaving him for dead, turned on the gas and left the house. I’m terrified but feel strong going no contact this time, I feel nothing but disgust of him now, no sorrow, no love,hate.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Yes, if you have children living with you, you must get this guy out of your life for good. Get a restraining order against him and take all necessary measures to protect your daughters. They need you.


  8. Anonymous

    Mine recently told me at least I come home every night, it could be worse.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hopefully, he came back home to changed door locks and a ‘No Trespassing’ sign. What a cad…

    2. Michel Ellison

      WOW. I have heard that line many times. I could be out cheating, I could be gone for days and days….. why aren’t you happy with what you have. It could be worse!

      1. Anonymous

        Mine would say at least I never hit you….when I told him he was emotionally abusive.

  9. Erika

    Because of a few articles ive read so far, ive gained some strength. I slightly slio into missing him mode but i come back to reality asks me where I’m at or the insults start flying out of control from his mouth and then i remember that i have no business loving a person like that. Does the narcissist know what he’s doing? Does a person so evil truly exist? How is it possible for them to not to feel empathy or remorse for making me, etc

  10. My husband put me in the hospital on June 27th of 2017, dislocated my shoulder, tore four tendons several contusions to my left wrist and embedded his nails into my skin all by his left hand and over his stupid phone. He pled guilty to the officers but he wont apologize to me nor have anything to do with me. It’s like I disgust him and we only stay in contact because we have a daughter together and I have a PO against him for a whole year until august of this year since the time of the incident and he has to stay 200 yards away from me and my daughter and he has visitations with her, standard but not overnight.

    Yet I want to continue to email him and then I complain after he responds to me based on how he responds, or he will do the same and it’s back and forth and no peace, nothing and he blames me for everything. Married 6 years together 8 and I’m in this whole new world…I’m scared, confused, lost and searching for comfort peace and just a simple simile……

    Our mediation is coming up very soon, January 24th of this month. Includes divorce and joint custody agreement stuff…


  11. Anonymous

    This so describes my cheating manipulating bully of a husband of 36 years! How the hell did this happen to me Hopefully this article will WAKE me up so Watch this space….

  12. Anonymous

    so true I have had 20 years and suspected he was a sociopathic narcissist and you’re post just confirmed he is as everything written applies to him.i can at last see why he behaved like he has. thankyou

  13. Shelley B

    Omg!! I didn’t even know that my husband is a narcissist!
    When I finally left March 2016, after 20 horrifying yrs….I am free!! I am ticking ALL the boxes relating to narcissism…even the marriage proposal lol ?. I can laugh now, because I have finally gotten away. But…why did I live like that for so long?? It is all making sense now, even the infidelities!! But I didn’t know about those either! Until I was away from him….my husband…my abusing narcissist husband. Ps: does domestic violence come hand in hand with a narc? I think so! Thank you for these wonderful articles.

  14. Anonymous

    Scary how true this all is…even the wording is the same. My ex husband would say at least I come home every night… I was taken in by all his lies and manipulations because I has no idea what a narcissist truly was. So glad I finally escaped, though 25 years of marriage took its toll on both my kids and me. I just had no idea someone could be so evil. Thanks for writing this.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Glad to know it resonated with you and provided validation, Anon. Thanks for stopping by!

      Kim XoXo

  15. Ann

    Here’s a reason that I haven’t seen out there for why narcissists leave: when they can no longer look down on you. They also leave any time they feel they cannot control you or when they feel that they may be about to not be able to control you. Narcissists are very fragile and that’s why they have to control everything and everyone around them and feel that they are better than everyone else. If these things are no longer the case or even threatening to no longer be the case or if they even imagine that they may no longer be able to be the case, they leave. This is not in response to a comment. I just want to get this out there on every narcissist site that I can. Also, for those of you trying to hold onto a narcissist: to do so is to extremely limit yourself as a person. They are impossible to please. They take out their misery on those around them and they are almost always miserable. the only time they’re not is after a good dose of narcissistic supply. They also get bored easily so the NS has to change frequently for it to give them their fix. And they don’t care a whit about the supplier, just the supply. I hope this helps someone out there.

    1. Anonymous

      Yes very true. Timing is another tool and they will jump when they feel their situation is in jeopardy. Always trust your instincts – I believed in love and sanctity of marriage more than I believed in my own ability to interpret red flags.

  16. Teresa

    He said he realized I was the “one”. He was wrong he was sorry he would change. He loved me and do whatever it took. I finally gave in and agreed to try again. All the while he was out of state with another woman.

  17. Surviving a Narcissist

    Why is this happening to me! Ugh. We have children, so No Contact will be nearly impossible. I had a clue he was narcissistic when he was NEVER wrong and blamed his cheating on me, but I didn’t really know what I was up against. Everything in this article he has done. So sad. Wow, this article is true, true and sadly true.
    Lastly, I enjoyed the video also.


  18. Anonymous

    Omg! This was the truth for me down to every last word !

  19. Priscilla

    Whenever I read these stories, it’s as if you’re describing my life. You haven’t left out a single point about his behavior.

    And although I’m trying to move on, he just won’t stop in trying to get me back yet at the same time blaming me for the breakup.

    All your points were bang on. Who knew that many of these creatures exist? I wonder what I ever saw in him.

  20. Mary

    I left a narcissist in the second stage of grooming – i.e the second stage after grooming – the devaluation, prior to the complete take down of abandonment. I’m so glad I got out alive!

  21. Christa

    Kim, you mention the cerebral narcissist here. Can you point me to more info about that?

  22. April

    Yeah but how do you end it when you have kids together??? It’s not like I can go get a mental abuse PGA against him to help me keep him away.
    I can’t believe how stupid I was and are.

  23. Once-upon-a-victim

    The point about “I’ll go to therapy” was my (now ex) husband to a T. One of his mistresses, the one he married when when our divorce was final, was also a “psych nurse” (a peer counselor, and also a narcissist, sexually-addicted, and a user of rather epic proportions). She fed him lingo, as did his therapist. I was so sure I was crazy at the end.

    We have total no-contact, but only because he loved money more than the power, for which I am grateful. I’m sure he knows where I am – it’s really hard to hide these days – but I will be changing my name sometime in the future, and to something unrelated in every way. I hope that gives him the slip.

    I had to change my entire life to do it: my career (it was very public), my location, everything.

  24. Mrs Wallpaper

    I had successfully been No Contact for over a year when I got sentimental near our wedding anniversary and responded to one of his “form letter” emails. Then he tricked me into giving him my address when he said he wanted to send me a apology letter. I never got the letter and the other emails I sent him trying to get a connection went unanswered. He got what he wanted and didn’t need me anymore. He just wanted the satisfaction of knowing he could still manipulate me. Back to square one.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Mrs. Wallpaper,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it provides a word of warning to anyone who reads it, as it’s proof that even when they pretend to be remorseful and want to “make amends”, it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

      I wish you all the very best in your healing…


  25. L,

    So I tried no contact… Then he broke into my home so I needed to do a Domestic Violence Order (Protection ORder) and now he is doing a counter Order against me. All in an attempt to keep some form of tie to me, to stop me from enjoying my life without him, and to absorb anything that is mine that he couldn’t completely get before. Will it ever end?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi L. They are so predictable. It will be obvious to the Judge that since he is the one that broke into your home that he is the primary aggressor. Judges are used to abusers doing this. There may possibly be “mutual” restraining orders, but if he has no evidence, he’s going to end up making himself look like a fool in court, much like mine did when I had to file a restraining order – and won, pro se against my EX and his attorney.

      Document everything. Don’t engage or communicate with him, and let your attorney handle everything.

      1. L.

        Thanks Kim, trouble is, each event has a different police report that needs to be handled separately. Even though, I ‘know’ he broke in, he didn’t leave finger prints (coz he use to visit), so they haven’t got ‘evidence’. The DVO is to be heard separately, as is the event 13 months ago when he says I ran him over. All dealt with separately. It’s a crazy system. .. However, he has nothing to pin on my, only his word that I ran him over… And he’s the one with a previous Domestive Violence Order and a Mental Disability Pension. Hope that is worth something towards his ‘character’.
        Wish me luck today when I stand in court, again.

    2. Debbie

      With any luck, he will latch onto some other poor woman and then you won’t hear from him again. My creepy ex-husband stalked me regularly and then suddenly stopped. He hooked another fish! Lucky me! I never heard from him again but I have always felt very badly for wife #2.

      1. Anonymous

        This is what happened to me…blessing but, I feel sorry for his new victim.

    1. original gangster

      This x1000! The only way you can rid yourself of them is serious NC. It’ll be hard but it is SO worth it. My life is so much better now. It’s been a year since I last saw my ex who showed up at my apt in FULL hoover mode. Gifts and asking to “talk”. I told him it wasn’t a good time and took his “gift”. Lol, he left and I didn’t see him again. Must’ve realized his little charade didn’t work anymore. I think about how happy I am without him EVERY day. I’ve got a new BF and couldn’t be happier. No drama, no games, no silent treatment, no cheating, no BS, it’s wonderful.
      Relationships aren’t HARD, you shouldn’t be wondering constantly or working at it. If you are questioning it…it’s probably wrong.

  26. Anonymous

    Holy. I’ve read several of your articles and they were all spot on. Since I, by chance, stumbled upon some meme or quote describing a narcissist, I searched more about them (and came across your page). I so wish I could’ve properly diagnosed my ex 2 years ago immediately after our breakup, when I was literally dying from how much I was suffering. The explanation for everything he had done would’ve brought me more comfort. I still to this day am affected though… I fear that this trauma will never completely vanish. 🙁 Although I came such a long way in 2 years, I am still hurt and on bad days (like when I PMS), I find myself blaming myself still to this day, or feeling like I’m not enough. I’m too scared of dating again because I have an immense fear that everybody will eventually become “bored of me.” I also am pessimistic because I believed he was my soulmate and now I have this “fuck people” mentality/outlook. 🙁 Blah. Sorry for the rant. But I wanted to say you are fantastic and so knowledgable. Whenever I feel like crap, I read a couple of your articles and it helps slow down my heart rate and alleviate my anxiety. I wish I could talk to you face to face. I feel like one conversation with you would cure me forever.

    1. MLS

      Yes. Soulmates…to barely surviving to an angry, bitter person…now coming out of that. Two years of hell. I finally let go and stopped pursuing him. I’m over him. And then, bam. Guess who wants to “work things out?” I’m so tired of the gaslighting and the word salad. I can’t go back there. If he’s not a narcissist, then why would most of the things I read about narcissism perfectly describe him?!? WAKE UP, ME. Do not go back to that hell!

  27. Audrey

    All of it true for me for many years. I’m nearly four years free. And no contact works for me. However he uses that as his excuse to not contact his kids. I am ‘mad,psychotic, a control freak etc’. And him and his now wife have put it all over social media that i am the narcissist.And for a time I believed that. I questioned my therapist and support worker. At the beginning I felt that possibly it was me!!
    Then on their recommendation I read up on it. And realised that this was part of the plan.

    So now his parents are 100 percent behind him. They would defend and save him until their dying breath. They now try to manipulate my children in order to get the kids to remind their own father that he is one! My children are mentally exhausted with their behaviour.
    It has now come to light that their fathers wife has been deleting some of the messages regarding contact and access. It would seem that he is now being controlled himself. Karma! However. It’s bittersweet. It’s my children who are suffering because of it.
    It takes great strength to keep it all together. And my life has changed for the better in so many ways. There is no way I would go back. So with lots of communication,honesty,understanding and love I know I will get the kids through this challenge as well.
    It was articles like yours which helped me through and I’m sure there is someone out there reading it getting through their own next stage.

    1. Kim

      My daughter gives me the silent treatment regularly. She learned it from her father, who is textbook narcissist. Unfortunately she controls when I’m allowed to see my grandbaby, who I am very attached to. These posts are all about men-women-partner relationships; what do you do when it’s your daughter? And they’re telling everyone it’s ME that has the prob. But I’ll tell you what -i have NEVER given someone i loved the silent treatment! Never even thought about it! Cuz with me, all my cards are on the table. You always know where you stand with me. I don’t play games; life’s too short. And it’s not fair to other people to play games. Its been 2 1/2 mos since I’ve seen my grandbaby (she’s 2) or talked to my daughter. It’s killing me! I babysat that baby for 10 mos, every week! Does anybody have any suggestions?

  28. Anna Nim

    Textbook!!!! All these were done to me. Only saving grace, is I had found out WHAT my *love* was from this site, so I had armor against the snake charmer. I didn’t go NC right away, but I didn’t get sucked into lala land and was able to extract myself in just a matter of months.

    1. kimraya

      Fine work, Anna! So glad to know you are out of that situation and living true to yourself!

    2. Tisha

      I dated a childhood friend for 93 days and reading this and being a #LicensedClinicalTherapist made me so made at myself.I think within that 93 days I broke it off with this guy like 4 times.My whole being was saying he was too good to be true.I am widowed by 2 years with child.This guy became my deceased husband to my child and myself.He sweetened the deal by saying he woule habe nvr approached me if he was not ready and willing to be in a real relationship.He showered my son and I with gifts,dates,and meals.Then he asked me to help with his grown daughter and grandchild and I refused based on the fact,he wanted to move in with me and bring them.I said I was not ready and it was like I killed his dog.He started avoiding me.Acting like he was busy.Then he said I was wrong what I said about his daughter and he could not get pass it.He then started blaming me for losing money by being with me.He says he job was stressful and he needed to work and focus on his money.
      You guessed it he disappeared for 9 days.
      I would call him and he would start talking crazy like I was unfaithful and selfish. He said I was not the woman he fell in love with that I changed.He started saying I was crazy.So I disappeared,lol.I went on a girl’s trip.But later he texted we talked so more but he nvr would come over.Found out through his son,that he had return back to his exe who he claim treated him so bad.
      Welp,things got worse cause he had got a credit card on my account and messenger a few friends and family members saying I was botherinh him and I was unstable.
      I went no contact with credit card fraud and restraining order.
      I am now writing a book???

    3. In pain

      How did you manage to getaway? I keep going back and it hurts every time, I need help don’t know how to go no contact.?

      1. Shelley b

        Don’t answer the phone, do not have contact with him. Do not listen to his crap

  29. Sylvie

    I am out of my relation with my narcissist now luckily,
    But now he manipulates our kids,in particular our son, who feels guilty and obligated to continue contact with him, even after his father was abusive to him.
    Any advice on how to protect him, it is very hard to witness, and he is only 14.

  30. Giselle

    Bwahahaha! I am pretty sure I’ve heard all of those. So happy to not be involved in that charade anymore.
    To anyone who still is you CAN get out and you WILL be happier. I promise!

      1. In pain

        How do i stay no contact i Keep going back and it’s horrific every time. Please help me.

        1. Kim Saeed

          Hi, In Pain,

          This is Kim’s assistant. If you are looking for resources to help you, here are two options:

          Consulting – Kim does a limited amount of consulting. Her minimum is a one-hour consultation. I would be happy to give you information on this option if you are interested.

          The Essential No Contact Bootcamp. Kim’s online course has helped hundreds of people like you to detach from painful relationships and begin healing. Her course would help you navigate your situation. It includes a private Facebook group of supportive and positive people, as well.

          You’re certainly under no obligation to purchase anything, but others in your shoes have found great benefit in the personal resources that Kim offers. Either way, we hope you enjoy the rest of your week!

  31. Jennifer

    Hoo boy, did that hit home! We had at least a dozen tearful breakups/reunifications and one gigantic tsunami when he ‘admitted’ his sex addiction. Funny thing, though, when he couldn’t get me to respond to his drama, his sex addiction magically disappeared and he became a ‘normal guy with needs’ I wasn’t meeting. Every day I wake up and thank the Universe I’m not in Crazytown any more.

  32. Katie Abbitt

    I never listened to that voice inside that told me to run. That voice was screaming at me many times but I ignored it…or didn’t understand it…or believed by ex when he minimized/dismissed my fears and concerns.

    But, I’m out now and I’m learning each day how not to allow him to use his sneakiness to have any more power over me. I haven’t had any contact for 13 days! I’m feeling great and not so great all at once.

    We have a baby together and my family has been kind enough to help me out with this no contact thing for 30 days until I am stronger to communicate with him myself (via email and only about our baby). My mom, sister and stepmom take turns caring for our baby while we work. During His drop off/pick ups with my family, they say how nice, appreciative, happy and charismatic he is. In turn, my family is friendly, kind and respectful toward him. My family doesn’t know half of what he has done. They just don’t fully understand the psychological and emotional abuse he inflicted. He is Mr. Wonderful and it’s as if he has no reason to be accountable to them or to me for what he has done. In his mind, he has done nothing. Logically, I know this isn’t true but I can’t help but feel this is a win for him. Another loss for me.

    This article helps me to put it in perspective though and to remind myself that his “act” is just another way to keep me down.

    1. D

      Hi Katie Abbit, Your story sounds exactly like mine. We also have a baby together, so i need to stay in contact. Because my family lives in another country. ( I am really on my own) I have his family who is supporting me, but they dont get his problem. can i maybe have contact with you privately?

  33. Thank you for your post. It’s always good to remind ourselves that no matter how compassionate and loving we are, sometimes we just have to put our own lives first. I wondered what was wrong with my ex and why, no matter what I did, many times he would be cold, withdrawn and emotionally absent. After I broke up with him, I did a lot of reading (thank you for your words of wisdom too) and found out that he is a malignant narcissist. His behaviour towards me had been getting increasingly weird, sexually demanding and bordering on dangerous. I learned from all my research that I was a mere prop; simply someone who fulfilled his needs. It was very hard for me to accept that I was a con man’s victim, but I began to believe this to be true. Then I went recently to visit an old man who’d known my ex’s family intimately in the past. He saw my heartbreak and agreed with me that my ex was manipulative and cunning. However, he shed light on how he had become like this, informing me reluctantly, but out of necessity (he felt) that my ex had been sexually abused as a child by a female carer. My elderly friend had come to know this and had felt uncomfortable about the information for many years (my ex is in his 40s) but couldn’t speak of it as my ex’s family are high profile people in our community. This information completed for me the jigsaw of how my ex had become the twisted, woman hating, emotional train wreck that he is. It saddens me to think that it must be so that some abusive men have come to hate all women due to sexual abuse. They play out that deeply repressed hate by seeking a dark and malicious, but very sincere revenge. Their narcissistic abuse is directed subconsciously at their abuser, but whoever their partner is at present must pay the price. In short: my story is about a man sexually abused by a female carer who then tried to destroy me as a proxy. Knowing what I now know about him makes me shudder as he may have tried to kill me eventually. It happens. I am grateful that I escaped from this man and now I pity him for being the chaotic and damaged creature he became. I understand fully (having read extensively about men who’ve been sexually abused) that this abuse is every bit as damaging for a man as it is for a woman. It is very difficult for anyone to face, to confront, to accept and to find appropriate therapy. I have been advised by my therapist to consider myself lucky to be alive. I still feel sad about his lost childhood and the wrecked life of another human being though. How many of our abusers were themselves abused? It doesn’t bear thinking about.

    1. Selane

      Your story sounds exactly like mine. I have joined a support group on face book. Narcissist Support, it’s a closed group, safe place full of victims from across the world. Just fyi if you’re interested. It’s good to hear the story of others that clarify things in your own life. Good luck to you

  34. These types of relationships effect you down to your core, you wonder if you will survive. When you finally realize, that you can’t fix them, but you can however secure you. There is this freedom, or rather urge to run and never look back. You will however, you carry the wounds with you in your spirit. but they joy is that you made it, that they didn’t break you. You survived the storm. No more mind games, no more beating yourself up to be this perfect person. You are already perfect, they just weren’t. Eventually you will love again. #lifelessonthehardway.

      1. Gods Glory

        Kim.. You inspire many, your blog gives courage and offers hope. Please continue writing and sharing with women. There are a lot of caterpillars striving to be butterflies.

        1. kimraya

          Wow, thank you so much, Val! I don’t have plans to go anywhere 🙂 <3 <3 <3 Thank you for your sweet praise and encouragement!

  35. desns

    I feel that feeling at the center of my pit wen iv realized things don’t add up or wen he just avoids my question by saying something that had nothing in regards to the question or gets explosive and begins to tet put me downs on wat an idiot I am etc then comes home and acts like he just didn’t cut me down to size just recently I was told by him that his a grown man who can do wat he want but because he nows my feelings will be hurt he don’t do things this is after Iwanted the marriage to end never apologizing for all the harsh words that make me feel like nothing never does he apologize as if I deserved it he acts as thou he is the victim and I need to change witch has me second quessing myself confusing my feelings towards everything wondering if his write its me I’m doing this to us and I wonder to myself could I be the narcist I feel over jealous of other women or of him excessively watching TV on his phone but he implanted this feeling by wat he has done in front of me towards women and by acting like I’m not here watching TV on his phone 24/7 and then saying I’m over reacting or stop being jealous bitch ever time I question wats going on I don’t now any more I feel iv lost myself

    1. kimraya

      I remember that feeling well, desns. I didn’t find myself again until I cut my ex out of my life…because I finally realized things would never change. If he makes you question yourself and the relationship, he’s not the one for you.


  36. Will I ever learn

    I keep doing the same thing over and over and over again. I’ve never allowed him back into my home or my child’s life but I do respond when he texts me. I’ve also never accepted his invitation to meet up and “talk” so that we can try and “work things out”. And this invitation was given while he was in a relationship and living with the person! The worst comes out in me when he contacts me, I am mean and vicious and very verbally abusive to him but only after I’ve been attacked verbally. I don’t want to get wrapped up in this never ending drama cycle but can’t stay no contact. I am good for a while and then feel I am strong enough to not answer him but always do. Two things, 1) why does he take my verbal abuse and me telling him that he is nothing but a loser and drunk who can’t hold a job when there are other sources who don’t know him like I do and he would have a much easier time sweet talking them vs. taking my insults etc. 2) why, being very well educated on this person and knowing he has been this way his entire life, do I continue to think he has finally changed? I want to contact his current GF but know that she will not listen. They have been broken up several times, every time which he has gotten back in touch with me, and she always goes back. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

    1. kimraya

      Hi, Will I ever learn. The hard truth is that unless you can find a way to go No Contact, you will be stuck in this purgatory forever and ever, amen.

      I know it’s hard to fathom, but No Contact truly is the only way to get your life back. I remember back when I finally “got it”. I had an epiphany that my Ex would never change and if I wanted a better life for myself and my children, I would have to end the madness myself. It wasn’t easy, but now I forever grateful that I left.

      Wishing you all the best.

      P.S. – He takes your verbal abuse because it’s supply to him. Narcs like the drama. The fact that he can get such a rise out of you means that he has power over you (in his mind). Also, this isn’t a cognitive process. Even lawyers, doctors, and PhDs fall prey to this because it all has to do with subconscious wounds we have that may be far out of our awareness. It truly has nothing to do with intelligence…

    2. avesraggiana

      To, Will I ever learn.

      No, you’ll never learn, not on a thinking, cognitive level anyway. Our actions are always driven by which of our strongest emotions win out, no matter what our thinking mind says.

      Your attachment to your narcissist ex, and your apparent inability to stay away from him is happening at a level below your conscious, rational thinking. No matter how much you try to talk yourself into stay away, or talk yourself out of answering his texts, your strongest emotional impulse will override every rational thought, and win out.

      I’ll never want to talk to my narcissist-ex again, much less get back together with him. The very idea of it makes me recoil in horror.

  37. Lisa G.

    Awesome Kim!! I so needed this today and as always, you are the light of inspiration to me and fill me with your expert knowledge so I can understand the horrific things that this Narcissist has done to me in my life with him. I had no idea what my relationship was about for a few years until I found you and your blogs. I am so thankful for all your help and so much appreciate your counseling and informative blogs. I continue to strive to get better and heal from all the hurt and damage and can now understand the tactics and manipulations of these type of people. God Bless You Kim ~

    1. kimraya

      So glad to know my post resonated with you, Lisa, and possibly pulled you back from the precipice. I hope to continue to provide you with hope and healing <3


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