myths about narcissism

3 Myths About Narcissism That Need to Die

Can I be blunt for a moment?

75% of the material on the internet about narcissistic behaviors is totally pointless.

It’s mostly rehashed information that’s often inaccurate, biased, and completely useless if you’re truly serious about moving on and healing from narcissistic abuse.  Here’s how I know:

Over the past six years, I’ve personally recovered from narcissistic abuse, codependency, and love addiction, performed hundreds of hours of research, bounced ideas off numerous healers and therapists, and worked with several hundred coaching clients from many backgrounds and religions.

I’ve learned firsthand what matters and what doesn’t when it comes to researching narcissistic behaviors and how they influence one’s recovery from this kind of abuse. 

And lots of the information out there just doesn’t matter. 

In particular, there are three myths about narcissism that really disturb me.  If you’re struggling to break free from a toxic relationship or to heal after leaving a narcissist, perhaps you’ve bought into one or more of these myths that, in the end, mean nothing in the big scheme of things.

Here they are:

Myth #1 – It’s important to know what kind of narcissist you’re dealing with

Sure, it might help to know what kind of manipulator you’ve been in involved with.  It’s useful to be able to validate your experiences and finally understand why your partner, friend, or family member behaves the way they do.  But, people tend to put far too much focus on “what kind of narcissist” these people might be.

Ultimately, knowing whether a person is overt or covert, somatic or cerebral, altruistic or malignant, etc., might satisfy one’s intellectual curiosity, but continuing to perform painstaking research into the subject and substantiating a person’s behaviors and traits to make sure they fit into a particular category is a waste of time.  Why?  Because knowing this information does nothing to erase the abuse or to change the outcome of the relationship

After a time, you are re-reading information you already know.  But more importantly, it keeps the obsession about the abuse alive in your subconscious mind and deepens the negative neural pathways that formed throughout your past with your abuser.  It’s a form of rumination, which makes it harder to develop new thought patterns which will empower and heal you. 

What you focus on the most is what influences your day-to-day reality.  This partly explains why people who’ve been out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist for years remain stuck in their pain, unable to move forward in any meaningful way…they have continued reading about narcissism.

What matters instead:  In place of doing more research into the types and sub-types of narcissism, research ways you can implement healthy boundaries in your relationships and begin forming new, self-loving habits.  Believing you can find emotional fulfillment in another person is an illusion.  The only path to true happiness begins with learning to stop self-sabotaging behaviors, staying true to your values, and treating yourself like you would someone you care for.  

Compulsive Research of Narcissism

Myth #2 – It matters whether someone was born a narcissist or developed narcissistic traits as a young child due to environmental factors

The nature vs. nurture debate has been around for decades.  There is definitely scientific value in studying human behavior regarding innate personality traits versus those a person develops due to environmental factors.

It’s important to realize, however, that by the time an individual has matured into an adult, their personality traits have become a permanent part of who they are.  That’s not to say that a person cannot change and develop more empowering, healthy behaviors.  But, for that to happen, they must first become aware that their behaviors are dysfunctional to themselves and to others and then commit to doing something about it because they give a care.

A person who is trauma-bonded and/or codependent has a good chance of developing healthier behaviors and thought patterns.  People with these personality traits are more prone towards self-reflection and the desire to change their lives for the better.  They are more likely to visualize a better future for themselves and the people they love and study ways in which they can improve their lives and relationships.  The main reason for this is that love addicts and codependents typically possess high levels of empathy.  Narcissists do not.

Narcissists, in general, are stuck in a state of arrested development.  They care mostly for how they feel in the moment, which explains their erratic behaviors.  They generally don’t’ reflect on the future or ways they can improve themselves to be better partners or friends.  What they do reflect on is how they can better manipulate people in order to fulfill their selfish agendas.  Therefore, whether they were born a narcissist or developed narcissistic traits as a child is mostly irrelevant. 

What matters instead:  To determine whether a person was born with narcissistic traits or developed them as a young child, we’d need access to brain scans and life-long, scientific data that’s been gathered over a person’s lifetime.  Since these are generally not available to us, we are pressed to base our decisions on who the person is before us today.  The person they are today is someone who has been abusing and manipulating people for years. We must look at how the relationship is affecting us (and our children) and decide if it’s worth it to continue despite the psychological damage it’s doing to us, our children, and any other family members involved. 

The old paradigm of “toughing it out” or “staying together for the children’s sake” is no longer useful to us as individuals, families, or as a global community.  Part of the reason we have so many problems with depression, narcissism, codependency, and dysfunction is that the generations before us held these convictions, regardless of whether it was the right thing to do.  That’s not to say we should abandon people who truly need our help, but when it comes to relationships with narcissists, it’s crucial to be cognizant of the fact that these individuals will take your help, give none in return (unless it will benefit them), and destroy the lives of you and your children if you remain in the relationship.  Is that a risk you’re willing to take?  And if so, why?  These are the questions that should be analyzed instead of how a person became narcissistic.

Myth #3 – It’s necessary to label someone a narcissist in order to take the next steps in your life

The search terms, Am I With a Narcissist, are among the most popular in the area of narcissism.  It’s also one of the most common questions I am asked by clients and followers.  And with good reason, by the time one starts researching why a partner or other loved one is so cruel, they’ve experienced abuse and manipulation that has begun to affect their lives in a negative way.

Where one gets stuck, however, is believing it’s absolutely necessary to label someone a narcissist, which is only possible by having the person in question take a battery of psychological assessments.  Even then, if faced with the certainty that a partner or loved one is a narcissist, most people won’t leave the relationship right away, or even at all.  I can relate because I was involved with a narcissistic individual for over eight years.  Of course, I didn’t know about narcissism back then.  What I did recognize was that I tolerated:

  • Lying
  • Financial abuse
  • Broken promises
  • Verbal abuse
  • Sabotaging of my career
  • Isolation from my friends and family
  • Being told that I deserved every bad thing in my life
  • Being called a whore on the day of my grandmother’s funeral
  • Ironically, being called a whore the day my grandfather died, too
  • Developing depression due to feelings of helplessness
  • Agreeing to be a second wife (not realizing this was triangulation)

…and many other forms of abuse that we now know are carried out by individuals with narcissistic traits.

Like many other targets of emotional abuse, I researched all the possible reasons my Ex behaved the way he did.  I tried to find ways I could reach his “wounded inner child” and dedicated myself to being submissive and forgiving.  I allowed him to do whatever he wanted and tolerated weekly silent treatments. 

In other words, I engaged in all the self-sabotaging, self-defeating behaviors of which I’ve since learned are indicative of trauma-bonding and codependency.  Therefore, it didn’t matter whether my Ex was a narcissist or not. 

What matters instead:  It doesn’t matter whether we can label someone a narcissist.  What matters is why we stay in relationships with individuals who strive to destroy our self-esteem…who lie, cheat, smear our character to anyone who will listen, pull the rug out from under our feet on a regular basis.  We need to reflect on why we permit someone to trample our boundaries and break our deal-breakers, normalizing the abuse to the extent that when we explain our experiences to someone else, the words coming out of our mouths sound foreign to us because we can hardly believe we’ve tolerated such mistreatment. 

Ultimately, our misery and our happiness come from within.  If we find ourselves in relationships with abusers, liars, and cheaters, it’s not our job to change them.  Our job is to change the beliefs we have about ourselves and about life that have caused us to tolerate such a situation.  Our job is to leave so we can heal our wounded belief systems, become the best version of ourselves, and live the lives we deserve. 

Want to rise above these myths about narcissism and change the course of your life?  Download your free ‘Beginner’s Healing Toolkit’ below to get started!

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  1. Pauline Wren

    I agree totally! I have never liked labels. They too readily provide excuses for people not to move on and heal.

  2. MJ

    Kim, thank you so much sharing this. It spoke to me so much. I was married for 42 plus years to a covert narcissist. At the time, I wasn’t aware of the terminology. All I knew was something wasn’t right with the relationship. I felt he was virtually suffocating me. I had tried talking with him a number of times with no success. He was so good at playing the blame game and putting up walls. He had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. As a last resort, I wrote him a letter asking him to come clean with the lying, manipulating, etc. and for both of us to get counseling. I hoped with all of my heart he would agree, but if he didn’t I was done. Twenty-four hours after I gave him the letter he chose to die by suicide. It gives a whole new meaning to the no contact concept. After his death, things came out which made healing really hard. It’s been three years. This was the first year the anniversary date has not weighed on me. Instead, I felt relief. I’m seeing a therapist and hope at sometime to be able to set good boundaries, trust again, and be vulnerable. Thanks for reminding me of the things which won’t help me.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi MJ,

      I’m so sorry things turned out the way they did. I hope you know that his decision was HIS decision, not yours. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself. I know it hasn’t made things easier, though…but, I do hope you continue to heal and move forward into a life of happiness. You deserve it.

      Kim XoXo

      1. MJ

        Kim, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Some days are better than others. Slowly, I’m learning to walk this new path.


  3. Suzi

    The biggest surprise for me was finding out my female neighbor was a narcissist. I had my defenses up for male narcissist, but really wasn’t prepared for a female. But having survived male narcissists in the past, once I realized that she was one, it was easy to distance myself. … She even pulled the “we’re through” card. Boy! was she surprised when I went no contract instead of crawling back. Thanks for your blog and YouTube videos. xoxo from sunny Arizona.

  4. Kim- thank you so much for continuing to share all these helpful tools. As I read your writings I almost chuckle at myself, as you really pinpoint in your videos and blogs what I spent so much time doing and wondering. You have really helped me see what’s important and what isn’t. Your sharing has helped me find peace and set myself free. I no longer care to focus my time and energy wondering why my ex behaved the way he did or hopeful that he can change. I’ve been able to take back my power and focus on myself and share my time with those who honor my boundaries and treat me in a respectful way. Thanks again.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Dania, I’m so glad to know my article resonated with you and that it made you chuckle a little…honestly, many of the things I write about I engaged in myself. It’s definitely good to be able to look at these things with hindsight and recognize how far we’ve come.

      Thank you for your kind praise regarding my work. It truly touches my heart and makes my day.

      Kim XoXo

  5. Angela

    I am one of the lucky ones…the day I met in person (from a dating site) the narcissist I spent off and on a year with….had a head up on me…He pegged me as an empath immediately and went in for the lovey kill..that worked..I had never heard of an empath although I know now I am everything I have read states , he did it all by the book..the first time I spent the night there..I ran in the morning while he was still sleeping..RED FLAGS…after we talked I let it all go…thinking the rough time , life I had I was afraid to get involved because it took me years to get over the death of my daughter and husband and I should give him a chance..Nope..Red flags are red flags….he loved, lied, was a phony, still married and separated for 20 years, was addicted to porn , never forced it on me…but he knew he couldn;t I am his age….and he would tell me it made him angry when I was more intelligent then him..LOL..give me a break…I gave him way too much .although he was good to me in many ways…having never met anyone like this ..I doubted myself off and on for a year..we would break off and then go back probably once a month…the last 2 months I had it with his BS and lies…promises..that never happened..In a year he was in my home once..I went to him all the time, he was a hoarder and OCD…..his past makes me sick…I’m writing this because I came across him on a dating site yesterday….his picture made me want to vomit and when I read his profile it gave me one more reason to continue NO CONTACT….lie, after lie, after lie…the same reasons I met him….so he will sucker his 20th woman …and that’s how it ends…at this point I don’t like to talk about him..and have no need to read anything more…I have no reason to call, or text …I have nothing to say to him….I do not believe one word he ever said to me…so anything written in here that came from him..let’s take with a grain of salt….it’s been hard to get here…I did miss who I thought he was…but knowing he isn’t and has a black soul, is a sick man with many issues….has made me run….stay away….and I am now happy and calm..I wish the same for everyone..

    1. Laura

      Angela, your ex sounds like my current. He’s a hoarder as well, and homeless yet he keeps collecting more and more junk. He claims he’s hoarding because of my crimes and it helps get his mind off of the horrible things I’ve done. I’ve done nothing wrong, yet I’m blamed for everything. I’m always the one apologizing at the end of every argument just to make the lecturing stop! I’ve known him for 30 years, we’ve dated off and on for the last 5 years, and we were engaged in 2016. I moved back to my area just for him. When I moved back, it didn’t take long (about 4 months) for me to start seeing the rage inside him. He’s a loose cannon, and takes everything personal. If I disagreed with anything at all, I would pay! We always laughed together constantly, and since his true colors came out, we don’t laugh at all. I’m walking on eggshells, and he’s hyper alert to my “insults.” I NEVER insulted him, he just took everything that way. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. I wish you the best!

  6. Dear Kim–It would be helpful to have a list of websites that you think are unhelpful or even useless? There are so many now–all zezoxing other sites and some obviously looking to make a buck (??). Could you have some kind of privaye list? Or indeed of troll sites? I suppose could this apply to me– am I indeed a troll, who is and who isnt ? it is a complex and over crowded area?
    I only want good solid no bs stuff on this awful condition that has presented with so maun issyes (OCD thinking, feelings of shame, confusion and self guilt) and much more in the wake of a relationship (and almost marriage) with one of these cursed individuals—thank you –Jim

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Jim!

      Thank you for stopping by and for commenting! Gosh, you’re right…there are TONS of sites out there now and not all of them are of good character. I can’t really name ones to stay away from because that would be bad PR (not to mention cause many people to come after me), but I do have a few I can recommend:

      1 –

      2 –

      3 –

      I like these three blogs (among several others) because a) the information and techniques are valid and well-researched, b) the author is writing from a healed and unbiased approach (meaning they don’t try to stuff their views down your throat), c) there is no “torches, pitchforks, and witch hunt” feel to these sites. Just clean, valid information that can be of real value on your path to recovery.

      Hope that helps!


  7. Anonymous

    Sad. I am dealing with a ex husband that is an alcholic, gambler and narcissist. It’s a nightmare for my son and I. He is high conflicted and wants his way with a drop of a hat. I have been through all of the stages plus more. I pray everyday my son will not go through the same abuse I have experienced. It’s sad that we are subjected to people like this. There should be rights for children and ex spouses going through this type of emotional abuse. This is the type of abuse that leaves scares and not marks for life.

  8. Ashley

    Ugh!! The abuse I have accepted and tolerated over the past 4 years!!! All in the name of “submission” to a tyrant. He keeps me clinging to hope of a better future with empty promises and outright lies.
    I’ve been forced to stay awake to fight, even tho I wanted to sleep…. He has threatened to kill me and my children if I didn’t step up and admit our problems were my fault….He has cut me off from my friends and family….i am not allowed to work or attend church…He degrades me often and I have trouble making small decisions for fear of what he might say/do….I have to get permission to go shopping or see a friend….I am told that I am a liar and most likely a cheater, even though we are together 24 hrs a day…He checks my phone/email/internet history to keep me honest….I have begged on my knees for forgiveness for dating outside my race 2 years before I met my spouse!!! And yet, I stay stuck because he is the only one with a bank account and he occasionally works to pay the bills.(For which I am supposed to be eternally grateful)
    I want out for the sake of my sanity and my children’s. But how??? I feel like a prisoner.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Have you tried visiting your local Domestic Violence center? That was a turning point for me.

      Best wishes XX

  9. Anonymous

    Thank you for your information I was in too bad relationships they were they were identical and I just decided to back off and never to try it again until I find what’s wrong inside me .

  10. Ian

    Thankyou fir your information , it made a lot of sense like so many it seems I have been looking for answers , trying to understand why I put up with the abuse, silent treatment , being treated with contempt and disgust when I ever stepped out of her guidelines of our relationship , bring put back on ” the baby steps regime” if I didn’t confirm or being told I was ” clearly the girl in the relationship ” if I ever showed emotion to her abusive and demeaning behaviour towards me before instructing me that I was crazy and having conversations in my head again .
    My name is Ian , I am an abuse survivor from now my ex fiancé after being picked up and cast away three times , each time being dumped by email . Not all men are narsasist , my ex is a woman who are just as capable and sometimes worse of having these traits , why worse ? Because society , the law and public opinion all thinks it’s the man and treats them accordingly , when you are a man being abused , nobody will listen or take you seriously , I just lived in hope of a life requested and promised by her ! , she just abused me and our relationship .

    Thankyou for the article , it helped X

  11. Anonymous

    Some men are more carful than others, my lies all the time, sabotage everything I do,, with my children, work , my weight, he would never call me anything he knows all hell would break loose, but he manipulates, me , acts if he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but one bad fight he slipped up , and it came out he really believes he does nothing wrong , it’s always I’m not saying its you but, ya!

  12. Anne

    I went No Contact. Once I was safely moved out I told him via email. He kept texting and e-mailing stating ‘He just wanted to understand….blah blah blah’. I flat out said No, I’m done. No, I don’t want to talk to you. I haven’t. I changed my number. I blocked him on email and social media. I also blocked anyone who I thought would supply him with info from my social media.

    I was with him for 2 1/2 years. I’m rebuilding my life, my career and my finances. I taking myself on vacation this coming fall. I’m enjoying some me time.
    I’m not healed yet. I’m angry. I’m more angry now than I was when we split. I feel I need to see a therapist to work through my recovery.

    I will get there . I thank you for all the info , its helped.


  13. Davina

    Thank you for the article, Kim. Once again you are spot on. In the relationship we had focused our attention, time and emotion to the narc. Once we are out of it, it is really the time to stop the narc wasting more of our time (i.e putting way too much energy and time in researching them without end.) At the preliminary stage of healing, knowledge about narcissism is necessary, but to focus on our own healing is even more crucial.

  14. Pat

    And people wonder why the suicide rate is so high. Everyone has narcissistic behaviors. Most people also exhibit obsessive, compulsive, dependent, etc.. behaviors as well. It’s interesting that you characterize a “narc” as having no empathy. But apparently you and most of the people who replied on this board do have empathy for others. Right? When have you ever put yourself in the “shoes” of the person you labeled as a narc? Many narcs feel like they have been wronged by others. They feel like they have never been good enough for anyone because of their experiences. They are shunned by many in society. Have any of you “put yourselves in their shoes” for even an hour? Some people need to be liked by many in order to feel self worth. Others prefer to be alone. Why not bash them? Most people today claim to care for other people. What is care? Care= worry. You and most people that have commented clearly care about yourselves. You do things for yourself because you worry about your life and outcomes. Narcs have a need for admiration because nobody admires them. You would too if nobody admired you. A narc can spend 20+ hours planning something for someone else and get no credit. While you spend 30 minutes and because you were there at the right time, presented yourself in the right way, planned it perfectly so you would be seen as a good person, and you get the credit and admiration. Of course you don’t need admiration because you get it all the time! Your whole life revolves around making decisions that place you in the best position to be viewed positively by others. While your actions revolve around you. If I asked you what disorder do you call that- you’d say “Smart”. Next time you are waiting on line at a TSA checkpoint and think for even a second that you should had gotten a pre-check pass, you are demonstrating a narcissistic behavior. The narc just gets the pre-check pass before she gets to the airport.

    1. thePINCH

      I can’t speak for everybody, but most of the people on this blog are here because something very terrible happened to them as a result of an individual(s) who exhibited a distinct pattern of behaviour which is linked to narcissism and/or other personality disorders.

      This is a healing site that allows those who have been hurt to express themselves freely and heal.

      If you have been affected by narcissistic behaviour, you are in the right place. If you are not sure, or think that you yourself may be a narcissist, this writer encourages you to observe and learn more about the condition.

  15. pamgrovey

    I know my husband is passive/aggressive and an addict. I have been separated for over a year and filed for a divorce. I knew he emotionally abused me because he was under extreme stress. At the time I didn’t know he was taking painkillers. My therapist kept telling me to hang in there because he believed my husband would get better.

    I finally did some research on narcissism and passive/aggressive. If I’d known 7 years ago that it’s hard for narcs and PA’s to change I would have left years ago, because I thought things would change after he retired. He only got worse because of his addiction.

    I’m working on trying to forgive the therapist, his Dr and of course my husband.

    I did have a breakdown because I didn’t understand his behavior and the therapist gave me false hope.

    I don’t think I’ll be able to trust another man for a long time. Addictive and passive/aggressive behavior is very painful to live with and I never want to go through it again.

  16. Savannah

    Hi Kim I’m the owner of I have reported the website to Google for stealing at least three of my blog posts – I’ve noticed she has also a few of yours. I’m assuming that they were taken without your permission. Her page needs to be shut down. In the age of Google’s Panda algorithm it’s important not to have duplicate content. You can report her here:

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Savannah!

      Thank you for reaching out (and kudos on your site redesign!) I had been sending over some articles to her site because I thought it might help with traffic. Instead, it had no effect at all on my traffic and my Google ranking has gone down since the last Google algorithm update. I’ve notified her that I won’t be able to share articles on her site any longer.

      Thanks for the heads up, though! It was very thoughtful of you!


      Kim Saeed

      P.S. – I will use the link you sent to report some other sites that have scraped my articles, though!

  17. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for your articles..sometimes i just check it at same time i am going through same feelings…it is amazing..just like reading my thoughts. I have been with a Narcassist for almost 7 years now and maintained no contact for 6 months now although havent been yet through divorce papers however it has been much better to do no contact since then. I am going through a really tough recovery period and trying to get hold of myself again.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thanks for sharing, Anon. Wishing you all the best in your recovery.

      Kim XoXo

  18. No more confusion

    My mother is a narcissist. It took me all of 53 years to see everything in Black and White and come out of my heartbroken hopeful confused heart. I just turned 54 I have 21 years sober. I have worked on myself to maintain my sobriety. There is only one reason to stay in contact with my mother now that I know the truth. Inheritance. I wouldn’t have to talk to her very often at all and allow her to continue to play her games but now not let them bother me because I can see right through her and understand what’s really going on. I’m feeling angry and selfish in terms of playing her games to get inheritance. I Believe I Can Do This and now maintain peace of mind and serenity and at least get something for all these years of abuse that she’s giving me. I guess you could call it money for pain and suffering. What is your opinion on this? I’d really like to know.

  19. Kathie Kirkpatrick

    Luv that I found you kim. I divorced my husband but 31 years of that abuse has taken it’s toll. But thru support pages and blogs I am pulling myself back up. I lost my family my child my friends as a result of his behavior and from my downfall. But I am a survivor and I will find myself again. Thanks for being there for us all.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Thank you for your kind praise, Kathie. Just remember, it’s never too late to be happy.

      Kim XoXo

  20. Deb

    I have been dealing with twin nieces that I helped raise due to their father passing away and their mother deserting them. It has taken me several years of abuse from these girls to realize they were killing me. I had to finally realize that I was going to have to have no contact whatsoever to survive; however, it hurts and I miss their children terribly.

    Thank you for you articles. I am hoping I can learn how to accept this.

  21. Lisa

    Thank you for the article, very timely for me right now.
    What are some of the books you would recommend?

  22. yolanda

    I really appreciate all this. I recognize myself in every single line. I am trying to get out of a toxic relationship. We broke more than 20 times, and he is always back and many times i got him back, believing he is gonna change.
    he doesn´t leave me alone, even if i block him, he will pop up in my house eventually, which makes thing more difficult.
    i want to live a good life surrounded with love, i thought it was love, but no, love shouldnt hurt.

    Kim, you are helping many people, i didn´t know many people are suffering the same. i thought my case was especial, i was special. you are really giving some important tips in the way to recover.

    thanks for being there, and being a light of sun for many of us. you give us hope

    1. No more confusion

      You are very special 🙂 I have two words for you, restraint order. In my recent research I’ve been learning they won’t come around anymore if they know that you know what they’re really doing. So I’m no expert at this but maybe you could find a way to let him know that you’re not falling for his tricks anymore. When he believes this this you won’t be of any use to him and he will go away. If that doesn’t work and you truly want peace of mind and to get better a restraint order should do the trick. Just my two cents again I’m not an expert.

      1. yolanda

        Thanks very much for your answer Kim. I forgave him so many times,he knows im quite naive, im very empathic, im a volunteer in my free time, i travelled in Peru, poor countries, to help others in my holidays. i have two kids who i have raised by myself as my exhusband left me. now we are in good terms, and we are divorced but being a good father, and paying the fees for kids and so on.My mum died a couple of years ago, in that moment, we met, i felt not strong, and probably thats how all started to happen. Othewise, i wouldn´t be in this situation, i think. He abused verbally, one day he loved me, other day, he hated me. but sometimes the honeymoon, lately , honeymoon lasted very little. one time, i even forgave him he was unfaithful to me.. i don´t why i did it.. maybe, i was afraid of being alone. This time, i know his tricks. through reading your blog and all people comments , i knew whats happening, i didn´t want to see the reality or accept it. I thought it was love. i thought he would change. always the possibility, never reality. i idealized love probably. He thinks he can get me back again thats why he keeps on trying, i am not answering him any sms, calls, or even when he pop up at home, i don´t open door. i think thats the best way. no contact !! when i see him, i feel vulnerable and he knows that. its is hard, and very sad to accept he might be with other women at the same time. it feels so disgusting. i can´t believe . i thought our history was unique and you opened my eyes. i will be strong, you mentioned in 30 days , everything gets better, we are born to be loved, not to be used. thanks again. have a beautiful day 🙂

      2. yolanda

        It might be a good idea, in case he is bothering me, sending him a message saying i wont´fall for your tricks anymore. That could help. the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore him.

  23. Julian

    Great article
    It’s good to push people away from being sucked into the wrong thoughts – your points ‘what matters instead’ are very important and true. I am recovering from 20 years with my narcissistic partner (who won’t be soon), your points indicate how we end up as we are, but what matters most is not being that same thing – letting go of the past is very important to healing – it’s taken me 3 years so far, of self-isolation and sabotage, but the calmest 3 years in 20 – it only gets better – your point on what matters are spot on to successfully climbing to out.

  24. Teresa Jane Sykes

    Its true, I have a friend Who IS obsessed with the narcs. She was married to one and left the relationship two years ago. I reached out to her after my experience 6 months ago.
    I noticed the other week that she seems stuck in the narcs behaviour, why how etc, and shows very little interested in healing herself.
    What does H.O.P.E. mean? Im New to this channel.

  25. Kori

    This is so true. I spent so much time trying to understand him and why he did the things he did. But it was just distracting me from what was really relevant…that what he was doing WAS NOT OKAY, regardless of why he was doing it. Once I focused on myself, my boundaries, and loving myself for who I was, I was able to finally see clearly. I needed to stop focusing on HIM and focus on me. Focusing on him was just fueling the whole notion that it was all about him, which was part of the problem to begin with.

  26. samuel

    after 20 years being married to a NPD woman, I find that going no contact to not be so easy especially with 2 teenage daughters who still live with her and manifesting signs of parental alienation (the worst form of abuse)from their mother.
    Whats a man to do? Which way is up?

  27. Kim

    I just had a very violent end to 7 month narcissistic exboyfriend. I’m so hurt and angry I don’t know what to do.

  28. Phoenix Rising

    Thank You Kim 🙂

    I agree totally & have pretty much come to the same conclusion as you have summed up here. Thank You for all your wisdom & support as, I share all of your advice on an awareness page to help others. To me it is an individual journey as, everyone is different & so is the level of awakening. Some get to run the whole gauntlet & break free from abuse while others are not ready, not illuminated nor understand what toxic abuse is & what the tolerance of it truly means to the individual. We have to accept our part in the abuse too, with our underlying self worth issues & co-dependency traits plus, generational behaviors that have been passed down as you discussed. Once you realise your worth & your ability to be alone yet, not lonely, you are liberated forever & it is beautiful. I now live in my own reality & truth that is not manipulated or controlled/contrived by someone else or through others perceived ideas. I live without judgement (which is hard) but, I am incredibly more authentic.I hope this makes sense & I guess I am no longer a sheep nor a herder but, rather I am free to roam & live in love with life. 🙂 Love & Light to you.

  29. ThePinch

    My ex bf is a full blown psychopath with some borderline for good measure.

    What happened too me? I’m intelligent, attractive, and well educated. And my bf was calling me a ‘whore” and telling me to f off.

    My psychiatrist helped me identify that my father was a psychopath. So was my ex husband. My mother was Borderline. My ex bf was, in effect, a perfect combination. A perfect fit.

    Now I know where my sickness came from.

    In time I saw that he used his good looks on women throughout the neighbourhood for whatever he wanted. I knew that the sex was an act because any attempt to get him to try something off script was disregarded. It was all about what he read somewhere,not what mattered to me. He harassed and terrified my friends and tenants. He lied and stole from me. He gave me a social disease.

    I’m totally clean today, by God’s grace, and recovering quite well, thanks to Kim and all of you!

    I am glad i lived long enough to make a change. I’ve been n/c 15 weeks, lost 18 lbs, and finally had the guts NOT to have a face lift.

    I am more than “good enough”. I’m damn good.


  30. Kay

    How do i get out at the expense of my innocent children? Every time i make a move of no contact, they are put thru hell. He takes it out on them. They, in turn, blame me. He has created such a storm of lies and deceit that i wouldnt believe me. They, as i have, scramble for every crumb of attention he throws our way. I am afraid of what he will do. He is a police officer and has made threats. He has alienated everyone from me. He has built this case against me that i cant fight him in court even if i had the resources at this point. Have been bullied and coerced out of every penny and he has the children, everyone, believing these lies. I feel exposed and scared . I hear myself going thru the past decade in my head over and over and i sound crazy to me!

    1. RaShar Hardin

      Totally understand..They alienate the children use them…It’s my worry…You’re not alone…Prayers.

  31. Thank you Kim… what you have succeeded in doing by writing this is actually to reframe ways of thinking. Alot really doesn’t matter .. what matters is today and recognizing the defects and not subjecting oneself to further abuse if possible. The hows and whys can drive one nuts and at the end of the day; we are here because we recognized the signs and symptoms of a very sick, dysfunctional individual. Many are at different stages of healing which is very true. Took me a while, and reading your articles have helped me to be grateful for not getting sucked back in.. Better to live life alone than in constant fear. Thank you so much for insight and clarity. I am much stronger because of having lived through this nightmare. The light at the end of the tunnel is not the light of an incoming train. H.O.P.E… hold on, pain ends.

    1. Anonymous

      I love the H.O.P.E acronym. I have never heard that before. It made me smile and gave me chills. So profound! Thank you for sharing! ??

  32. Lee_Lee

    I have read countless articles over the last 3 years, follow groups with daily posts etc.. but this has hit the nail on the head. Especially point 1. Ultimately, the only research we need to do, and question we need to ask is; Why do I believe I don’t deserve any better? We need to work on helping ourselves and bettering ourselves to be healthy functioning people. Unfortunately, I think, as empaths, we struggle to do so, almost becuse we think it’s selfish to think of ourselves and putting ourselves first when there may be someone who needs us.
    This article really helped me today, and was just what I needed to read

  33. JoAnn

    I have tried no contact for a good while now. Every so often the narc appears out of nowhere, & kisses my car windshield when I am at a traffic light …yesterday while placing an order at a fast food drive through. I do the gray rock thing, all the while wanting to scream for him to get the hell away or better yet run over him. I have major PTSD when I see him. Then it evolves into being attracted to him…then wondering what he’s doing & who he is with now (his new supply). Also the confusion in thinking “he cares about me, that’s why he hoovers” Have to battle with my mind, making my mind & heart remember, he never cared or loved me, even though he said he did. I pray & long for the day when it won’t affect me anymore.

    1. yolanda

      Joann, im exactly in the same situation than you. I tried to live my life as i know and realized he is a narcissist, i never thought he was one of them, little by little, understood the problem. I was idealizing him all the time, i thought he was sooo romantic, and in spite of the damage he caused me, i forgave him sooo many times. I even forgave him he was unfaithful to me… how could I ? my scale of values drop. i didn´t know whom i was anymore, i lost myself. it was like a drug.

      im trying to be firm in my decision, even sometimes he appears out of nowhere, in my house, ringing, at work, i exactly know how you feel, i still have feelings and emotions, andevery time i see him, it hurts, because deep inside, i have feelings, now i know this is not love. he doesn´t love me, its just a game if he can get me again, like a trophy, just for his ego.
      good luck, we have to be strong, don´t let these evil persons use us.

      we are humans, not things.

  34. Thank you Kim for all the clarity of thoughts ,simplifying the entire subject of narc abuse is of great benefit as I seem totally disturbed when “He” is mentioned and feel completely absorbed by “His “presence,so from this moment on I promise myself NOT to talk about the incident again, and vow to focus unrelentingly on myself and my beautiful qualities.
    Thank you again.

  35. Tina

    GREAT article. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I did have to educate myself on convert narcissism to understand exactly what had happened to me. I already knew what a grandiose narcissist was, but the covert narcissist was an animal I didn’t know or recognize. That information was essential in order that I know what to look for in the future; Good guys who were not good guys, only bad guys doing good deeds for ulterior motives.

    I did spend too many years researching narcissism, but only because I didn’t ever want to be caught out again. It did help me, but I’m sure my negative neural pathways are now more like super highways.

    There are a number of Narcissistic Abuse websites where people share. I followed two of them for about a week and then had to “unjoin” the groups because it only reactivated the pain of the past. Your article speaks to that exact issue. Thanks so much for stating what many empaths do not yet understand; that reliving the pain over and over again prevents or delays recovery.

  36. Thank you for contining to post these and for having me on your mailing list. I am still struggling to free myself. I have managed to make some progess but am still “in” the relationship. Its such a hard place to be and getting your mind to agree with the right thing to do is not easy. So thank you, again, for being there for me in words. cyndi lou

  37. Samuel Vain

    Wasn’t sure what I’d yhink reading the article but it’s stuff I have noticed too. Gladly I have not been obsessed with the research, I pick things up quickly and remember well so it all stuck.
    This has encouraged me to keep handling the situation as I have been, plus I didn’t fall for the myths. Her personality traits have been clear to me and she’s never been able to pull something on me without getting called on it. Likely why she left, she couldn’t properly feed on me and started using her new best friend. Good luck to her!
    Thanks so much for sending me the link to this.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Samuel! I’m very glad to know you aren’t stuck in obsessive research and that you’re progressing in your recovery. Wishing you all the best. Thanks for stopping by!

      Kim XoXo

  38. Pamela

    Wow!! Just wow!! I could have written the list of what was tolerated. Mine was my sister, so I put up with it for 50 years!! Oh, how I wish I would have come across you (and Psychopath Free) 49 years ago. All the sabotaging, etc. I have been NC since 2012 and actually had the opportunity to move to a different state. It’s all behind me now, but I am still healing from the trauma. Love addicted and co-dependent since we were the only two left in our family, I got sucked into it so easily. But NC helped me all the way, and it was YOU, Kim Saeed, who gave me the courage to practice it and walk away. Thank you so much for literally saving my life!!

    1. Kim Saeed

      Wow, Pamela! You’ve made my day with your kind praise. I am so happy to know I helped you go No Contact and start healing from a life of manipulation and misery. it’s comments like yours that help me know I am fulfilling my calling.

      I wish you all the very best in your continued recovery 🙂


      Kim XoXo

  39. Anonymous

    I agree, and yet I also would like to insert a word of caution. Unless you know what you are dealing with, you can’t heal from the injury.

    It has been 15 years sense my husband left me in the most cruel and insensitive manner. I pulled myself together, went to college graduated in Human Communication, went and got my Masters in Mental Health Counseling and did a lot of healing. And yet, I could NOT heal completely. And I just could not understand why I still had problems.

    He still was in my life with my kids as a co parent. He would do things that would be SO illogical and cruel to me. My kids would say he was just not smart enough to realize, and everyone else would just tell me I was over reacting. No one would believe it, no one could understand it. Even I couldn’t understand it. I still found people who blamed me for him leaving, he is such a great guy you know. Everyone loves him so what did I do to make him leave.

    It was not until now, after 15 YEARS of searching, asking and going to other counselors who told me it was time to “get over it” in essence. That I happened upon your and other’s blogs about what who and how a narcissist operates.

    WHAM it hit – my ex was a Narcissist, and a covert one at that. And FINALLY it clicked the last piece of the puzzle was slid into place and my last bit of real healing from the trauma that I did not let myself remember or understand has started to occur.

    I feel like a new person, and I can NOW accept and understand – but He had to be labeled, I had to know what I dealt with. And in the knowing, I can take all the negative’s and re-write my story to know that It was not my doing or my fault.

    If you DON’T KNOW, YOU CAN’T heal. You just go from one place to another reaching out trying to find a solution without knowing the question.

    In essence, healing from years of this type of abuse can be like a dis-ease. It’s like a cancer that even though you think is benign still grows. Because knowing what type of cancer your cutting out, actually does matter. Going after Breast Cancer when someone has Lymphoma will not help one iota.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Anon,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad to know you’re finally healing. To address your comment, my intention was to caution people against researching narcissism too much because that in itself keeps people stuck for years. I do believe we should educate ourselves about narcissism, but to continue researching it after gaining fundamental knowledge is, in fact, a form of rumination. It sounds like you recently made these discoveries, so I don’t think it necessarily applies to your situation.

      Wishing you all the best in your continued recovery…and thanks for stopping by!

      Kim XoXo

      1. Anonymous

        Yes, and I completely agree, on one hand it is not good to obsess, and getting stuck is all too easy when you fall into that trap. But on the other it is liberating to understand and know, to be able to label, and to understand what and who you are dealing with.

        I also want to thank you. Your blog on YouTube was one that set me on a path of finally healing. I truly can not explain to you what that has meant to me.

        Your work is extremely valuable. Never doubt it.

  40. RaShar Hardin

    I know all of this, don’t care about ” labels” but I’m 40 pregnant with 7 th child (4 are his) and my family disowned me for not being in religion about 20 yrs ago. So I have No support system, why I stay. Not abusive physical but in his ” hoovering and romancing stage which last 2-3 yrs in 2 ND yr) I have no income because 3,4,soon to be 2 yr old and pregnant. I’m saving slowly on side to get out. I have C-section in July and August plan to.return to work( he sabotages alot). My question is, how can you get out with out going to shelters with 7 kids( no room there) and no resources?? I have plan until next March, I have to be quiet and not speak on it, make him think it’s all good to avoid confrontation….What else can I do? I sleep in seperate room, he prides in kids( as trophy of course) so he has 3&4 yr old all night,works 6 days a week. Will pay because he hit oldest son 2 yrs ago and on probation…Plus it matters what ppl think…Which I use to my advantage. Any positive advice would be appreciated….Thanks.

  41. Anonymous

    Thanks Kim. This is excellent. Like all your materials. I purchased the Better life Bundle and is reading “how to do no contact like a boss”. I’m on day 4 of no contact. Is it normal to feel extremely anxious, fragile and crying a lot at this stage? I basically just feel like hiding in a closet and never coming out.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Anon,

      Yes, it’s absolutely normal. At this stage, you’re basically starting your grieving cycle, but also withdrawing from the biological addiction that forms in these toxic relationships. This combination is very challenging, but if you can get through the first 30 days, it starts to get better. Make sure you take great care of yourself during this time.



  42. Anonymous

    Hey, I very much appreciate your guidance & sharing your story, the knowledge of your expertise is a God-send for me. Luv ya

  43. Mandy Carroll

    The best thoughts ever…
    It does not matter what color it is or how it tastes or anything…
    It simply is getting out and healing..Amen.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Absolutely, Mandy! Glad the article resonated with you 🙂

      Kim XoXo

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