5 Cruel Ways You’ll Feel Destroyed by the Polyamorous Narcissist
Wondering how to deal with a polyamorous narcissist?
You are not alone.
Many online blogs and support groups for victims of narcissists have sprouted up over the years, as people have realized the damage a narcissist has done in their lives.
But, there isn’t enough material out there to keep up with the narcissist’s ever-evolving attempts to justify their many relationship crimes, the main one being infidelity.
Narcissists are generally non-monogamous. While there are plenty of resources for victims of narcissists stating that narcissists are always cheaters and conduct their multiple sexual relationships in secret, what should you do when your narcissistic partner reveals that they are into polyamory?
If you’re not sure what it is, polyamory means “multiple loves”. It is the notion that a person can have multiple emotionally and/ or sexually intimate relationships at one time and do so honorably, happily, and safely.
Unfortunately, when narcissists are involved in polyamorous relationships, it simply means that more people can be relationally harmed — and often be harmed even more deeply than in a monogamous situation.
Let me begin by saying that this article is not to imply that polyamory is a bad thing for those folks who follow the spoken (and unspoken) rules of engagement. But polyamory isn’t for everyone, especially not those who are seeking long-term, stable, collaborative, and supportive relationships with a single partner.
While your first inclination might be to join the narcissist’s love tribe to avoid losing him or her, you may want to think hard and deep about what you could be getting yourself into. Because, truth be told, most narcissists who claim to be polyamorous are simply using it as an excuse to keep an ongoing string of lovers at their beck and call.
And if you’ve caught your partner cheating and you suspect they’re a narcissist, the last thing you want to do is join their harem.
So how do you handle yourself when your cheating partner “confesses” they are into polyamory? This is one of those times you’ll need to tame the compassionate part of your personality and examine your relationship with wide-eyed cynicism.
Five Epic Reasons to Stay Far Away from the Polyamorous Narcissist
Before committing yourself to a lifestyle choice that has the potential to harm you exponentially, let’s examine five reasons why refusing to be part of a love circle with a polyamorous narcissist is a smart move.
1 – You will never come first
Most people who grapple to find balance in a relationship with a narcissist struggle, profoundly, due to the infidelities they uncover.
People with narcissistic traits are drawn to polyamory mainly because they believe it relieves them of true intimacy and commitment, while providing them with copious amounts of attention. They use numerous relationships and drama to avoid the expectations of a monogamous relationship, and eventually cause harm and emotional damage to those who get close to them.
2 – They want the ego trip, not the relationship
True polyamorists invest a large amount of time to ensure everyone they’re involved with feels heard, cared for, and emotionally safe. If a true poly determines that someone feels hurt by the arrangement, they typically find a gentle, caring way to end the relationship to avoid further harm to that person.
Narcissists, on the other hand, genuinely couldn’t care less about who feels hurt as long as it’s not them. They are not willing to make compromises unless they are on the receiving end.
Narcissistic individuals will often expect you to go along with the whole idea of their having as many partners as they want, but if YOU dare to take on another relationship, then all hell breaks loose. They’ll accuse you of exacting revenge or doing it to “make them pay”.
Remember, one person does not get to make all the rules in healthy relationships, regardless of the sexual tone of it. If you are being made to feel wrong or difficult, then you are dealing with a greedy narcissist who wants to play the field, not a true poly.
3 – Beware the self-proclaimed “Spiritual Poly” who wants a ‘Sister Wives’ situation
This plays into #2. Obviously, this applies to the male “polyamorous” narcissist.
Curiously, there still exists a large demographic of narcissistic men who truly believe they are entitled to have as many women as they want because it’s their so-called “God-given right”.
These men infiltrate and hide out in polyamorous circles. They approach vulnerable poly newbies and begin grooming them for participation in their polygamous objectives. Once you’re in their grip, they’ll start quoting old scripture and/or brainwashing you to believe this is how things are supposed to be. You know, the whole “going back to the basics” thing.
Unless you want to be another woman’s sister and co-wife, you don’t mind your man sleeping with other women under your nose, and are willing to accept being hurt to have another person’s needs met…it’s best to remove yourself from the situation.
4 – Prepare for triangulation on steroids
If you’re intimately involved with a narcissist and have uncovered evidence of their secret affairs, the last thing you want to do is agree to a polyamorous relationship.
The reason for this is you’ll ALWAYS be wondering about the Narcissist’s Ex or other partners whom they may be involved with at any given time…and wondering why the narcissist hasn’t chosen to be with you.
In many cases, the new partner will be worried about you and you’ll be worried about the new partner. Why? Because Narcissists are cheating slimeballs, and you and the new partner have every right to be concerned. And no, that doesn’t make you crazy, as the Narcissist loves to suggest.
It’s not enough that most Narcissists are porn addicts and are constantly busted for surfing online dating sites, but they keep their partners perpetually enmeshed in a crazy love triangle, often promising both that they’re on the verge of leaving the other.
True polies don’t play these kinds of games. There’s no triangulation or pitting one partner against the other. No one is made to feel less-than. However, the reality is that, ultimately, people who engage in polyamory must always choose who to be with and who comes first. Is that something you want to ponder every day of your relationship?
On the other hand, if you’re being mocked because you feel uncomfortable and insecure or you’re being told how the narcissist and the other partner(s) don’t believe you’re ‘polyamory material’, that’s pure narcissistic manipulation. And sadly, this kind of triangulation gives the narcissist a euphoric high – at your expense.
5 – The polyamorous narcissist will not honor basic agreements
If you agree to a polyamorous relationship with a narcissist, you will eventually learn that your needs don’t matter. You’ll go into the arrangement expecting at least some level of compassion and consideration from your partner, only to realize you’ve been fooled.
Not much different from a monogamous relationship with a narcissist, really.
But, with a so-called polyamorous narcissist, basic needs and expectations will not be met…and can even put your health in danger.
- They’ll have unprotected sex with their other partners, putting you at risk of contracting STDs or even AIDS
- They’ll constantly bail out on plans you’ve made together, often without warning and mere minutes before your plans are supposed to transpire
- They’ll expect you to go along with their rules, but should you bring someone else into your life, things will get rocky fast
- Or, they may agree to your taking on another partner, only to fabricate a debilitating ‘devalue and discard’ later on
A dysfunctional relationship or marriage is bad for one’s health. People are often more willing to leave a bad job than they are willing to leave a bad relationship.
Toxic relationships stress the immune system, increase inflammation, damage DNA, and accelerate aging. Symptoms include insomnia, adrenal burnout, weight loss or gain, IBS, chronic fatigue, repetitive illnesses, and fatigue, among other things.
You’ll become increasingly needy for basic relationship dynamics — compassion, reassurance, emotional support. Things you don’t want to admit you need from your partner, but the lack of which can reduce even the calmest and most collected person into a train wreck.
If you’re thinking you should stay the course even though your relationship is unfulfilling, remember that life is too short to stay unhappy when there is a way out.
You are not stranded together on an island in an episode of Naked and Afraid; you’re not the last two humans alive; the future of the world doesn’t depend on your staying together.
To what end are you sacrificing your own happiness?
If you’re ready to put yourself first and walk away from toxic love games, grab your ‘Beginner’s Healing Toolkit’ below!
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