narcissistic hatred

Why the Narcissist Seems to Hate You, But Won’t Let You Go

Being the target of narcissistic hatred is the most confusing experience you’ll have in your life.  It’s wrought with ironies, opposites, and sleight of hand. 

Just when you think you’ve come out of the nightmare, you wake up in the middle of another one and there doesn’t seem to be any relief in sight.

It’s absolutely soul-shattering to give your all to the narcissist and feel like you’ve finally made some progress in getting through to them, only for them to smack you down with the most hateful, scathing episode to date.

It’s as though they truly hate you down to the core of your soul.  As if they can barely stand to be in the same room with you or breathing the same air as you…and they probably have told you this in so many words, but you are so traumatized by the sheer spite in their voice during these episodes, you have a hard time remembering everything they said.

The irony is that just when things seem to be truly over, and you’ve accepted in your heart and soul that it’s time to move on, the narcissist changes back to being seemingly nice, perhaps even affectionate.

It’s so utterly confusing.  Why do they do this?  Are they a tortured soul who is so wounded that they just can’t help it?  Is there anything at all you can do to speak to the wounded inner self the narcissist appears to hide, buried deep within them?

As a person who loves the narcissist, it’s usually easier to believe they have no control over these conflicting behaviors.  We can identify with what we believe is their inner pain…but this is a story we tell ourselves.  A story which keeps us enmeshed with them in a tempestuous cycle of insane highs and lows that ultimately depletes us of our very soul.

There is a reason they do this, but it’s hard to digest.  Sometimes, though, we need the truth because it’s the one thing that can finally set us free.

(watch the video here)

The Sad Truth About Narcissistic Hatred

The reason you’ve found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness and consequently, it repulses them. 

But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. This is why they seem to hate you but won’t let you go easily. 

The narcissist views you as a feeble underling; one which provides them with wonderful supply.  So, though they couldn’t care less about you as a person, they don’t want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with you…albeit it a torturous one.

They won’t let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist.  These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone. 

Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions. 

They want the benefits without all the damage control.  They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really are.

This is why, when you try to make them see how they’re hurting you, it is utterly pointless.  In fact, it’s during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissist’s personality…and it’s chilling.

Nonetheless, in your mind, you love them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do but just have a hard time showing it.

This is not the case. 

They are nothing like you and no amount of unconditional love will change this fact.  When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissist’s wounded self. 

This will never happen and it’s important to accept this painful truth so you go about getting over a narcissist.

Narcissists love to blame other people for their nasty behaviors.  In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or compromising in an effort to persuade the narcissist to halt their betrayals and cruelties.

Instead, what happens is, patterns of deception and denial are established.  This may be to avoid the narcissistic hatred or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist you’re not the crazy psycho they say you are but, underneath the surface, it’s a budding system of enabling. 

A system the narcissist fabricates from the very start. 

The Truth About When Things Seem Normal

It’s vital to understand that when the narcissist is being nice, it’s an integrated part of the abuse.  A reward, if you will, for sweeping their last attack under the rug and going back to your agreeable self.  The one who will smile at them while they carry on with their normal deplorable behaviors as though everything is on the up and up.

Additionally, they understand that if they give you a glimpse of the person they pretended to be when you first met, you will do everything in your power to keep the golden illusion alive…the illusion that things can be like they were before. 

All while you continue to be the target of their narcissistic hatred.  This is how trauma bonds become stronger over time.

If you go along with this mirage, you’ll be like the legendary solitary traveler who believes they’ve found water in the desert, only to find they’ve traveled deeper into the middle of nowhere with nothing around them to sustain life.

Copyright 2018 Kim Saeed 

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  1. Yes, this is all too familiar. I can remember leaving this horrible person I was married to on several occasions while she was at work after having a knock down, drag out fight and she would call me when she got home crying and telling me she had just brought home a present for me.When we would talk it over, and I would get sucked up in her lies, I would move back home of course. One foot note here…….she could never produce these so called presents she said she bought. ” I did not think you were coming back, so I returned them.” Right. It is all B.S. Four years now without this LIAR and CHEAT. There IS a real life out there, but I am still gun shy. This is what she has done to me. I am content being alone for now, it is nice having my serenity back and not willing to give it up. Thanks for your encouraging words Kim!

  2. Shirley Akpelu

    If that relationship was love and marriage, may I never love and marry again! But of course, it was a toxic, one-sided dictatorship. Once I stopped going along with the charade, I was kicked to the curb. Being alone is better than being with a wolf in sheep clothing, a hypocrite, a pretender, a dark knight pretending to be an angel of light–you get the picture. I just want healing and recovery so I can attract a healthy human being instead of a demon narc swine.

  3. Mary

    I am confused when it comes to narcissistic behavior. Does a narcissist knowingly know what there doing when they do the evil things they do? The narcissist has to know right from wrong,. Especially when they do certain things to hurt people. Yet I hear people say that they don’t think there doing anything wrong that what they do is normal to them. As smart as a narc is to fool so many people. Please clarify this.

    1. Jerry H.

      Oh ya! They know what they are doing and that it is wrong, they just do not care. They have no heart. My narc was just plain EVIL!

  4. Anonymous

    Me and my boyfriend broke up this week. After almost a two year relationship I never knew until not too long ago he is a narcissist. Well the #1 reason I left him is because I just lost my 16 year old son to suicide this past June and just the other day we got into an argument. From all the anger I can’t remember how but I’m more than sure he knew what he was doing and told me my son killed himself bc he didn’t love me or didn’t want to be around me. I couldn’t believe what i was hearing but it’s ok he’s one sorry MF and he supposedly moved out of town but I’ll guarantee you he WILL be back but I’m not. I don’t want anything to do with him. Just thinking about his sick and foul ways just brings me to pure disgust. Well now I know better.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I’m so sorry you had to hear that. Yes, they are disgusting and vile creatures…nothing is sacred to them and they use your deepest wounds to punish you.

      Glad you’re out of that situation now. Wishing you all the best as you heal and move forward. I’m sorry you lost your son.

      Kim XoXo

  5. anonymous

    my husband left me last year after 14yrs. of narcicistic abuse. For the last year , he has tried to come back into my life…i took him back but it was short lived, before his tendencies began to start up again….he wanted to live with me again, but would not unless i sign paperwork saying my daughter would not be permitted in the house, and if she did show up, i would have to pay for our divorce, and for a moving truck for him to get his belongings out of our house. i told him no and i have not heard from him in over 4months…….

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Anon,

      I’ve heard similar stories about how narcissists try to destroy the relationships people have with their children. I am so happy to know you sided with your child. Not everyone does and it is heartbreaking.

      Kim XoXo

  6. Anonymous

    I only realized I was in an abusive relationship 4 years ago and everything was afloat since then. Until I came across you, Kim – it made all the difference. You made me so courageous, you’ve given me strength and logic why I don’t need to stay. You are a blessing. I can’t thank you enough. ?

    1. Kim Saeed

      Wow, you just made my day 🙂 So touched to know my work has helped you along your journey!

      Kim XoXo

  7. Ralette

    There is not much to say except this hits hard at home, I have been with my husband for over 20 years and I finally got a divorce… and I questioned myself saying was that the wrong choice, well yes no matter how hurt I feel, because he never will change. The women, the hurtful words, the disrespect.. etc …. Wow what a smack in the face…

  8. Mary

    I am so grateful and appreciative of the knowledge you impart. I have been in this hellish narcissistic relationship for 28 years. I identify with everyone especially the first person. I have been on my own now for 3 months and I never want to be with him again. He is truly a malignant Narcissist of the worst kind. And, yes I am angry at myself for putting up with him so long for all the various reasons. Thanks again Kim.

    1. Kim Saeed

      Please don’t be angry with yourself, Mary. Trauma Bonding is harder to overcome than most substance addictions. The important thing to remember is that it’s never too late to be happy and you did the right thing. Wishing you all the very best.

      Kim XoXo

  9. Christina

    Just 2 days ago we had one of our HUGE arguments. I don’t get up early, he doesn’t get his coffee. Same stuff, different day. But each argument adds more hateful and cruel comments and degrading. This time he talked about tying me to the back of his van, and dragging me down the street. I can’t get those words out of my head. Along with many others over time. I k ow he hates me, and I have left 3 times. But each time he comes for me. Asking me back. And, pike a dummy, there I go.
    Everything is my fault, no matter what it is. And I can’t do anything right. I was blinded for years. Were going on 11 years and I don’t see how I missed it!!!! Now I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know how to get out!!! I hope to get some answers from this program, otherwise, I don’t know what will happen.

  10. I’ve been reading this and realize that most of us are/have lived each others lives. I have agonized for years, how did I get here? I was strong, independent, tough, and opinionated. Cheerful and giving…and also vulnerable for a predator like him. I didn’t understand how I allowed this stuff to happen….I feel ashamed, humiliated, degraded, disrespected, dehumanized, and depressed. My husband is a monster. I kept trying to keep the peace – walking on eggshells- making excuses – rationalizing. Finally, I get it! I have been systematically and methodically groomed for his deviant behaviours….I am his scapegoat and whipping boy. We had a fight…a bad one, and I nearly swallowed 45 – 200 mg lamictal (Literally in my mouth)…the next day he tried to brow beat me into coming to bed and giving him sex…(not even a remote chance)I’ve been coming here and with everybody speaking up and out….sharing…and caring I was able FINALLY able to understand! So last night I took his hands off of my body…I looked him the eye…said get OFF of me…and when he started to get mad…”what did I do” I said NOTHING…when I was literally ready to die just so I wouldn’t have to hear his voice ever again..he shut off his phone and ignored everyone while my sister and my therapist talked me out of the bathroom. I said you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Don’t touch me ….I’m good…for the first time in nearly 18 years…I AM good…not great but finally, finally, finally I am GOOD

  11. Lisa Swansiger

    I’m having a hard time letting my Narc go because we have an infant child together. He doesn’t love me and probably never will. I have known him for two decades, and during that time, we have always lived separate lives but would come together every so often because of our so called history and love for each other. When i was pregnant with my child, he wasn’t very supportive, but grew to accept the baby. Our child is 9 months old and he has seen him only 3 times. He makes NO effort whatsoever. when i tell him how i feel he should step up, he flies into a rage and berates me. When i tell him i’m going to file for sole custody and get him for child support for our baby, he always says I’m threatening him and flies into a bitter blind rage. I got tired of this and told him to give up his parental rights so my new partner can adopt my child. he happily said yes, he will sign, send him the paperwork and that was it. I sent the paperwork and he said he’ll sign it. This was today. he is being cold and distant and i am drawing the line with him doing this to our child that he cares nothing about. In the past he would always try to “win me back over” by being nice, because he was afraid I would take his son away but now he doesn’t care. I’m tired of the back and forth, tired of his verbal abuse, and i’m tired of him. How can i just move on and forget all about him and move on with my life? he doesn’t care about our child together so am i wrong if i just go full on no contact and block him out of my life? what do i do???

    1. Kim Saeed

      Hi Lisa,

      I am sorry to learn of your situation. For the sake of brevity, here’s what I can say, based on my interpretation:

      He will never be the caring father you want him to be, so it’s best to let go of that fantasy. Get sole custody of your child. Depending on your financial situation, you may or may not want to apply for child support. (I’ve chosen not to in my own case because it equals more freedom).

      You can go no contact, but don’t do it as a form of punishment thinking he’ll finally see the light, because that will never happen and he will never treat you the way you want to be treated. That’s another fantasy you’ll want to let go of. If you go no contact, you need to do it so that you can get on with your life. Plus, the new guy in your life should be your priority now since it seems he is willing to step up. He deserves your attention and devotion now if he is willing to adopt your child. That means a lot.

      You may want to consider enrollment in my online program, which will help you navigate your first weeks of No Contact and help you through the struggles associated with that: The Essential Break Free Bootcamp

      My advice is get rid of the narcissist, go no contact, and make a new life with your new partner and your child. Let go of the fantasy that the narcissist will finally be better. He won’t.


  12. Michelle

    I have been in a relationship for 10 yrs and thank god he sent me to this cuz i have so many health problems now and cant work. Im stuck. No intimacy for 5 yrs. Hes an old narcissist and pro at it. I actually called him that and he didnt scream. I think he knew i finally figured it out. He has been cruel for years. But at least i moved in a different room. Ty again for all this info. Im greatful

  13. Kelly

    By far, this is THE BEST article I’ve read about narcissistic abuse! After years away from mine, I now understand the cycle, but unless you’ve lived it, no one else understands or thinks it’s even possible. Thank you for writing something so comprehensive!

    1. Half Way Out

      Totally agree with “the best article written”, I find it such a lonely place and trying to get anyone to understand is impossible. Half way through a very long divorce and dreaming of “my next life”, one day.

  14. Whitney

    I so needed to feel validated! And this certainly did just that! I have been losing myself lately trying to understand. I now know I’m not crazy.

  15. Oh my….everything written is my story. Struggling to gain some understanding, find my voice & strength and find my way. I feel like there should be a photo of me in the descriptions & stories.

    1. Alice

      My picture should be here too. For 22 years, I didn’t know what or who I would wake up to. I’ve been divorced for 3 years. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s easier than living with a stranger. You are stronger than you think. You can do it.

  16. Judy

    This is so spot on true! I feel like someone finally understands.

  17. Debra

    It took me many years to see this; thank God I finally did! Now divorced from him, I am beginning my journey of healing. X

  18. Anonymous

    That described my marriage of 20 years perfectly Kim! I’m so glad I found you 2 years ago just after my separation began. The truth has been painful but so necessary. I was always asking myself, and asking him “How can you love me and treat me this way at the same time?”. I hung on for so long thinking he just didn’t know HOW to express his love.
    Sometimes I feel utterly stupid for staying as long as I did. It wasn’t because of the children I stayed, but rather because I thought he would have an epiphany one day realizing how good I was to him. But it was my constant forgiveness that he exploited. My divorce was finally sealed last week and I’m free from his lies, manipulation, betrayals, and emotional rape.

  19. Sandy

    Spot on, Kim! I remember telling him “I know you don’t understand how much you’re hurting me, or you wouldn’t keep doing it” and he would give me the most vacant, silent stare back. No sign of comprehension or concern, whatsoever. I wish I had ended it then, rather than try so hard all those years to fix him and then out-smart him at his own game, which ends up with feeling terrible inside for stooping to his same cruel tricks. I learned so much here. I remember feeling utterly crushed, like I couldn’t survive. But I DID survive. It’s been almost four years, and I’m no longer under his spell. I thank God for leading me to this website, Kim. And thank you, Kim, for the huge impact you have on people’s lives through your efforts to educate us about toxic relationships.

    1. Laurie

      The ‘vacant, silent stare’ – oh reading this gave me chills remembering his face after I desperately explained how I was feeling or trying to untwist his rewritten account of reality, pleading for honesty or fidelity, and nothing but a blank stare void of accountability or humanity! Thank God I’m free.

  20. L

    Very good! Grew up with a narcissistic mother and currently have a narcissistic brother in law and sister in law. The sister in law has reared her ugly head at the moment. It’s amazing how they will come after you and turn the screws behind your back. I am so done with dealing with narcissists. No more contact.

  21. Suzi from sunny Arizona

    Thanks for today’s article. It reminds us to keep our guard up and why “no contact” is so important!

  22. M

    I am so grateful that I found you when I was trying to understand what happened when I was unceremoniously discarded by my husband of 17 years. That discard turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me when I learned about Narcissism. Now I understand the patterns of behaviour I kept wondering and even questioning about. I learned too about myself and the impact of Narcissism in my life. I am now on the road to recovery, painful but liberating. Your articles help me to have that strength to move on.
    All the best. Great job you are doing.

    1. Kim Saeed

      It truly warms my heart to know I’ve helped you along your journey, dear ‘M’. I hope you find the healing and joy you deserve.

      Kim XoXo

  23. Nomore

    It’s like reading my life with him….example after example pops into my head and all the pieces come together. Thank you.

    1. Kim Saeed

      I’m so glad to know you feel validated, NoMore. Wishing you all the best.


      Kim XoXo

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